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Amore et Amicitia	By : Kimmimaru Category: Harry Potter > Slash - Male/Male > Sirius/James Views: 6685 -:- Recommendations : 0 -:- Currently Reading : 1
Disclaimer: I do not own Harry Potter or any characters or settings by JK Rowling. I make no profit from this story.

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AN: Ok, this is a gift for Cham, hopefully you will enjoy before traveling! You lucky sod, lol. This is angsty and loverly, I enjoyed writing it. Thank you for reading and as usual all and any reviews are much appreciated.

Chapter Sixty-One: Trudunt (Drifting)

Deva, Romania, 1989. The bar was dark; the dingy lights flickered violently creating a strobe affect that made the only patron faintly ill. The Wizarding community had integrated into the main population. The man at the bar wore a dark, heavy cloak that was pulled low over his eyes. He downed what was in his glass and looked to the barman. He called him over; his voice was soft and had the distinctive accent of the English, although he had a good knowledge of the Romanian language. The figure nodded and as the drink was poured he downed it, threw money onto the bar and slipped out. The Barman thought him odd and old fashioned, no one wore cloaks anymore. But, with a shrug he promptly forgot all about the odd visitor. The city was busy, as it always was. The man walked down the street with his eyes glued to the pavement, his mind was elsewhere. He was thinking about a man; a man who was back in England with his growing son, a man who had been everything to this lonely stranger in foreign lands. He paused and turned to look about himself, his fingers were clutched around a stick of highly polished wood. He tipped his head back and looked up at the stars, he wondered if the other man was thinking of him. He wondered if he was missed by anyone at all and then a bitter, twisted smile crossed his handsome, pale face and he let out a sharp bark of humourless laughter. No. No one would miss him. He wasn’t exactly loved, not anymore. He had done things, terrible things. Things he would rather not think about yet dreamt of every night.

The apartment was tiny, small enough for only a single person yet two lived here. Sirius stepped in through the door and pushed it closed with a foot, he slipped his cloak off and threw it casually across the back of the sofa as he sank into it. He picked up a packet of cigarettes from the battered coffee table and lit one of them, he leaned back and closed his eyes as he smoked silently. “Sirius?” The long haired man turned his head and eyed the man who had just stepped out of their dingy little bathroom.

“Anton.” Sirius replied, puffing smoke out with the name. Anton was a handsome man, a year Sirius’ elder but with a mop of dark brown hair and dark eyes, his skin was like milky coffee and his accent quite haunting.

Anton moved behind his lover and put his arms around his neck. “You are being so very quiet over last few days…are you feeling well?”

Sirius smiled slightly before nodding. “Yeah, I guess so.” Anton nodded and took the cigarette from him, he took a long drag before smiling.

“I just have shower but seeing you make me…how you say? Horny.”

Sirius smirked. “You read my mind.” Anton leaned down and Sirius tipped his head back as far as it would go, their lips met as they kissed slowly. Sirius moaned quietly and whispered something unintelligible against his lover’s lips.

“What you say?”

“Nothing, Anton…nothing at all…” He reached up with one arm and wrapped it around the back of Anton’s neck, without remorse he dragged his lips back to his again. The angle was awkward but neither man minded as heat filled their bodies. Sirius remembered kissing another like this, once long ago, once in another lifetime. He was nearing thirty now and had very little going for him, he had received the entire inheritance from his mother and then had left the country. He had had to get away from memories of James. He had to escape before thoughts of the only person he would ever love destroyed him, or made him find him again…he couldn’t. He had left that world now, he had left for good and nothing short of the apocalypse would make him return.

“We go to bedroom now…Come.” Anton took Sirius’ hand and pulled him to his feet, Sirius followed him and let himself be pushed roughly back onto the bed. It creaked as Anton removed his clothes and ran nails down his chest. Sirius groaned and pushed his hands into Anton’s dark hair, he closed his eyes tightly and saw another face in his mind’s eye. That face consumed him as Anton whispered softly into his ear, he didn’t hear the accent, he only heard James. “I love you…” Anton muttered, nipping at Sirius’ throat, Sirius arched into that touch and smiled to himself.

“I love you too…Jamie.”

XXX

“Oh…oh f-fuck…!”

“That’s it…” James gasped, the man beneath him had a fall of pitch black hair and pale skin but it was his eyes that were bothering him. The man had brown eyes, but the eyes he really wanted had been grey. Abruptly he pulled away and sat upright, the muggle sighed heavily.

“What’s wrong?”

“I…I’m sorry…I can’t do this.” James muttered, pushing fingers through his tousled hair. “It’s…it’s not right.”

The man pulled a face, he was handsome enough in his own way but his features were wrong. James lowered his head, the sheets tangled around his body as he bent his head. “Is there someone else? I don’t mind it if you think of them while we do this…At this point I’m beyond caring about anything much.” He ran a hand down his chest and began stroking his erection, James shook his head rapidly.

“I’m sorry. It’s wrong…” He stood up and walked over to pick up his clothes, the muggle Inn was nice and airy with the constant noises of London permeating the walls. He heard the other man sigh again.

“It’s always the fit ones with the emotional baggage. So, who was he?”

James paused in the act of slipping a shirt over his head. “He was…perfect.” He whispered softly.

“What did he do to mess you up so bad?”

James turned and smiled bitterly. “He murdered our best friend. He did it to protect me and I…I blamed him for something that wasn’t his fault.”

XXX

Remus sat in the bar, he was unsurprised to see it so deserted. It was a grimy and depressing place but he had nowhere else to go, he would have to make do. The Muggle behind the bar served him silently; he gave him a passing glance and noted the ragged clothing. Remus couldn’t blame him, he had travelled nearly the whole country in a few days using Apparition and he was certain he wasn’t looking – or smelling – his best. He sipped his drink and sighed before digging in his pocket and bringing out a tattered bit of parchment, carefully he scanned his list of possible places before putting a line through ‘Deva’. He sighed and pushed it back into his pocket and finishing his drink, he supposed he had better continue searching, he had been so sure that his source had it correct. The man had met Sirius before, he was hardly going to mistake him for another. “Sirius…where are you?” He whispered to himself as he gazed down at a torn photograph in his hand, it showed his friend waving happily up at him with a cheeky grin. He smiled sadly down at it and ran his thumb over the images face. “We need you to come home now…”

The door to the bar opened as Remus stood up, a man stumbled through the door and hit the wall. Remus raised an eyebrow and shook his head as the bar tender walked over and began jabbering away in Romanian. The man replied and waved his hand vaguely, he struggled to his feet as Remus slipped off his stool and began making his way out of the pub. He passed the stranger and scented blood, his footsteps faltered slightly and he turned his head to see if the man was injured. The man was slumped on the floor; his head hanging low and a curtain of dark hair covering his face, Remus sighed and reached down. “Here, let me help you up…” He said absently, without realising it he spoke in English. This caught the drunk’s attention and slowly, ever so slowly he lifted his head and their eyes met above their clasped hands.

XXX

James lay on his bed surrounded by photographs of his childhood, they scattered the patterned sheets and he slept amongst sweet memories. The bedroom door creaked open to reveal a pair of bright green eyes, when they landed upon James they softened with sadness and the small skinny little boy entered the room. He gazed around at the pictures bending to pick one up and gazing at it, it showed the one he knew to be his father in the arms of another boy he didn’t think he had ever met. They were both smiling, holding each other tightly and gazing intently into each other’s eyes as if the world only consisted of them. Harry Potter gazed at the picture for a full minute before sighing and shaking his head slowly, he looked at his father lying sprawled above the covers with one limp hand dangling over the side where an empty bottle of Ogden’s lay. Harry picked this up and placed it upon the side table before gathering the scattered pictures, each one showed the same two boys in various poses, in some they were kissing passionately and seemed unaware of anything except each other, in all of them they were smiling so happily even Harry knew they had been in love. He was ten years old, not stupid. He had friends he played with in the street who knew people who were Gay or even related to them, he didn’t really care either way. He knew his father had loved his mother so he couldn’t have been totally gay and he had only ever seen him in photographs with that particular boy, a handsome boy with a wicked smile and glittering, dangerous eyes. Once the pictures had been replaced into their box, Harry set to undressing his drunk father, he did this methodically as if he had done it many times before. He didn’t really mind, it was just something he had always done. Not that his father ever knew about it. Harry kept some things even from him, like the nightmares he suffered from. The nightmares of the hissing whispers, the flash of green light and womanly screams. He didn’t want to worry his dad, not when he already had so much on his plate.

Harry somehow managed to pull the duvet over his father and he sat back to watch him sleep, they looked so similar, the same hair and face shape and sometimes they even had very similar personalities. “It’s ok Dad, soon I’ll be going to school and you can get out and live a little.” Harry smiled at that thought, it would be nice to relieve his dad of a little responsibility, not that he didn’t enjoy his company but the man was very overprotective even restricting what kinds of friends he had. He had heard many things about the Wizarding world but he had never seen another one, James kept him well away from all that saying it was for his own good and he would understand why when he started going to Hogwarts. James Potter was only twenty-nine and Harry knew he had less of a social life than he did and something told him that was bad, especially for someone like James. He sighed and curled up at his father’s side, he snuggled under his arm and closed his eyes with a small, content smile. “We’ll be alright, Dad; Just you and me against the world.” He repeated what his father told him whenever he was feeling down, it always cheered him up. He knew that no matter how terrible things got he would always, always have his father.

XXX

Sirius gazed up at the man he never thought he would see again, his eyes were wide in his white face and his mouth hung partially open. Remus looked older, he had grey in his hair and lines at the corners of his eyes. A scar now ran down the right side of his face and Sirius felt a great well of confusing emotion overwhelm him until he felt tears sting his eyes…he really shouldn’t have drunk so much of Anton’s vodka. “R-Remus…?” he muttered and felt Remus give a hard tug on his arm, he was yanked into a warm body and he flung his arms around him tightly. “Oh god! Oh Merlin! I-I can’t…I can’t believe you’re really here…that you’re…you’re real…”

Remus pulled away from the embrace long enough to gaze into Sirius’ eyes, Sirius looked away and avoided eye contact so Remus took hold of his head firmly and forced their eyes to meet. Sirius looked older, he was still handsome but there were lines appearing on his face that had never been there before. He smiled weakly and grabbed Remus’ wrists as the werewolf ran his thumb over a bruise on his cheekbone. “What have you been getting yourself into?” He asked quietly, his eyes full of sadness as he gazed into dark, empty eyes. “Sirius, what have you been doing to yourself all these years?”

“Remus…please don’t.”

“Don’t what? Don’t care?! Sirius, we’re friends! Doesn’t that mean anything to you?”

Sirius looked away. “It does…but…I don’t deserve your friendship! You know what I did!”

“I do…but this self punishment can’t go on forever, I miss you! James…James misses you.”

Sirius flinched at the name, his eyes darkening until they were almost black. “No…no don’t you dare tell me that. We’re over! Don’t you understand?! We ended it! He doesn’t want me anymore and that is for the best…I…I’ve moved on…I…” He winced and sank down into a nearby chair. “Oh who am I kidding?! I just got punched in the face by my boyfriend because I said James instead of his name! I have nowhere to live…No access to my money…Moony…I…I would be better off in Azkaban.”

Remus stared at the ruin of a man before him, he didn’t know what to do or say. He had come on a journey around Europe in the hopes of finding him and now he had he almost wished they had missed each other. Sirius was thin, almost painfully so and his eyes held a taint that had begun in Azkaban but now grew with each word he spoke. His hair was shoulder length and still shaggy but it had lost a lot of its previous lustre, his hands shook a lot and his eyes were never still. It occurred to Remus whether this boyfriend Sirius had mentioned had been hitting him, and it wouldn’t have surprised him if he had because Sirius seemed to want to be punished. He needed to be, to ease his own guilt for what he had done to Peter and what he believed he had done to Lily and James. “Sirius…come with me.” Remus said softly and held out his hand, he allowed his voice to show his desperation. “Come home, Padfoot…please.”

Sirius looked up at his oldest friend and for a moment seriously considered it, he could return to England and see James again. But it was all just a dream. He stood and shook his head sadly. “You know I can’t, Remus…everything good and pure is destroyed in my hands. I’m dangerous…I’m mad…I deserve to rot in Hell for what I’ve done. Let me die alone…I…I deserve it.”

Remus felt tears choke him until he couldn’t hide it anymore. “Sirius, James is killing himself without you. He’s being looked after by a ten year old! Harry is supposed to be going to school in September and then James will be alone and I…and I’m scared! I’m terrified of what he will do! Please, I’m begging you, come back to us! Come home where you belong and let us make you better.”

XXX

“You are back then?” Anton gazed at Sirius through half lidded eyes. “I thought you were leaving me?”

Sirius lowered his head and sank down the wall. “I can’t…Anton…I can’t leave you. Hurt me in whatever way you want to, I deserve it all…”

“You do…” Anton smiled and beckoned the broken man over to him. “You deserve it all, Sirius. You need to be punished but remember that I do love you, you know this right?”

Sirius looked up into those eyes, eyes that weren’t right. He saw his Uncle telling him that he loved him; a bitter smile curled his lips as he ran both hands up Anton’s jean-clad thighs. “Yes…I know you do. I know.” Anton grabbed a handful of Sirius’ hair, he watched the odd transformation behind those silver grey eyes. When they played this ‘game’ Sirius became different, almost childlike. When he hit him Sirius never fought back, he only lay where Anton left him until he had recovered enough to stand. Anton enjoyed the way the light in his eyes went out, like a candle. It excited him when Sirius cried out in pain, when he was unaware of the tears staining his cheeks as he lay in a crumpled heap beneath their single window. He tightened his grip on his boyfriend, he knew Sirius didn’t love him, he had accepted that it would never happen but he was still jealous of this ‘Jamie’ person he had never even met. Sirius only ever spoke of him when they had sex and that was only to mention his name, he had asked before but Sirius merely turned away and refused to speak even when Anton had given him a black eye.

When Anton kissed him, Sirius could taste James. When he felt the sharp tug on his hair he felt James’ hand, when lips caressed his throat he could only feel James. He was everywhere, haunting his every move, he hid in the shadows and watched Sirius abuse himself at the hands of others with sad eyes. It was James who whispered in Sirius’ ear; you deserve so much more, Sirius… It was Sirius who laughed bitterly, it was Sirius who fell into a familiar of pain and fury and passion. It was Sirius who never fought back. What would be the point? Anton was a tool of justice, although Sirius knew he deserved worse for now it would do. It was a never ending cycle, Sirius would tangle himself in a relationship that he knew would be bad for him, he ensured that he met men who were just like his own father and Uncle, men who would fuck him bloody into a mattress and leave him covered in bruises. He ensured that he lived with men who used him, treated him like an animal and left him beaten, broken and crying in a corner. Because it was all he knew. It was all he deserved. He gazed into Anton’s eyes and waited for his punishment for running away, for thinking he could ever escape his family. His eyes became little more than two dead pools, his light extinguished. Anton smiled and kissed him roughly, his teeth scraping across his lips and tongue. Sirius looked up at the ceiling, a single tear crept from his eye and slid slowly down his cheek, he took a sharp breath and Anton pushed him to the floor and began opening his jeans. His leather jacket, stained and torn hung from his shoulders, his hair spread across the carpet as he stared blindly upwards. “F-Father…” he whispered in a blank voice. “Please…” in his head his father called him names, they were all true which was why they hurt so much. He was worthless, a traitor, a murderer. He was pathetic, useless, never as good and pure as Regulus. Never as good. Never perfect. Just a broken, shattered boy trapped in the body of a man.
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Amore et Amicitia