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Lost and Damned	By : danniperson Category: Harry Potter > Slash - Male/Male > Harry/Snape Views: 24087 -:- Recommendations : 0 -:- Currently Reading : 0
Disclaimer: I do not own Harry Potter, the characters or the world or anything, and I make absolutely no profit from this.

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LOST AND DAMNED

Watch the Stars Turn You to Nothing

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"Snape killed Dumbledore."

So many people…So many he cared for were gone. His parents had died. Ron had died. Now Dumbledore was dead. Draco and Severus were gone. Now he had to stand here and tell everyone…Tell everyone that the man they loved and respected wasdead and claim it was at the hands of the man he loved. He had to hate him and he had to make everyone else hate him.

He stood in the middle of the infirmary, staring around at familiar faces. Neville, Bill, Tonks, and Luna were all in beds…Luna was the only one wide awake and Tonks looked like she was drifting in and out of sleep. Neville was fast asleep and Bill was out of it, too, his face in horrible cuts. Madam Pomfrey was dabbing a disgusting pea green ointment over his wounds. Professor McGonagall was standing at the next bed and had been talking with Luna and Hermione, who was sitting on the other side of the bed, when Harry and Ginny had walked in. Lupin sat at Tonks's bedside. Then there was Ginny Weasley who was standing at his side, holding onto his arm lightly, as she had been since she started leading him here.

When Severus had gone, Harry had made his way over to Dumbledore's body at the bottom of the tower. Hagrid had been there, not believing the words of Dumbledore's death until he had seen the body. A crowd had gathered as Harry kneeled beside the fallen headmaster, trying to grasp the fact that he had suddenly lost so much. They hadn't even managed to get the Horcrux…Not the real one, at any rate. Things had been going so well for a few weeks and in one night it had all fallen apart. It was hard standing here. It didn't feel right being here. He had to go after Severus or do something about Dumbledore…He had to do something. Too much bad was happening…He felt the strongest urge to do something, even if he didn't know what that something was. He had to fix it…Had to make things right.

Somehow.

"No!" Lupin exclaimed as soon as Harry spoke. He looked wildly from Harry to Ginny, as though hoping one of them would claim it was a joke or a lie. When they didn't, Lupin slumped back in the chair and let his face fall into his hands.

"What?" Tonks demanded, blinking rapidly and struggling into a sitting position, despite the glaring from Madam Pomfrey. "How…?"

Harry swallowed hard. "I was there. We arrived back on the Astronomy Tower because of the Mark. Dumbledore was ill and weak, but I think he knew it was a trap. He told me to go get Se-Snape, but someone came up stairs so I hid and Dumbledore immobilized me. Malfoy came through the door and disarmed him-"

Hermione gasped, eyes impossibly wide.

"-more Death Eaters arrived and then Snape came and…Malfoy and Snape and…some woman all pointed their wands at him but…Snape…He's the one who…who killed him."

Professor McGonagall gasped sharply and fell into a seat by Luna's bed, placing a shaking hand over her mouth. Madam Pomfrey burst into tears. Hermione sat, completely stunned, tears rolling down her face and looking like she might start hyperventilating at any moment. Lupin was trembling hard and Tonks reached out, her own jaw trembling, placing a comforting hand on his shoulder. Just talking about it, that rush of sorrow came upon him again, his eyes burning with tears and everything in him just aching to let it all out, though he stood tall and still as he could.

"Shh! Listen!" Ginny whispered.

Gulping, Madam Pomfrey pressed her fingers into her mouth and forced her sobs to subside. Out in the darkness they could hear a phoenix singing…A horrible, tragically beautiful song of grief. To the inhabitants of the room, it felt as though the song was theirs…Coming right from them and their own sorrow. The terrible and lovely sound filled them up and had the sort of calming affect one might get if they were crying or screaming or expressing their emotions, easing their pain through some sort of action…but it was only the song of the phoenix lessening their anguish.

None were entirely aware of how long they stood there, listening, but it felt like a long time later when the spell was finally broken. The door burst open and in came Arthur and Molly Weasley. Harry stepped aside as they strode in, eyes only for their mangled son laying in one of the beds. Ginny gave Harry's arm a gentle squeeze before walking over to where her parents stood.

"Bill! Oh Bill!" Mrs. Weasley, leaning down to press her lips to his bloody forehead.

"You said Greyback attacked him?" Mr. Weasley asked Professor McGonagall. "But he hadn't transformed? So what does this mean? What will happen to Bill?"

"We don't yet know," said Professor McGonagall, looking helplessly to Lupin.

"There will probably be some contamination, Arthur," said Lupin. "It is an odd case, possibly unique. We don't know what his behavior might be like when he awakens."

Hermione motioned Harry closer and he walked over to her as she conjured a chair right beside hers. They sat by Luna's bed, listening as they talked of the attack…Of Fenrir Greyback savagely attacking Bill and slowly moved on to discussing the rest of the battle. Hermione described how she and Luna had been waiting in the dungeons and how Severus had told them to stay with an unconscious Flitwick…How Hermione had shared the Felix Felicis with Ginny and some of the others, the 'liquid luck' Harry had left her with before leaving with Dumbledore, 'just in case.' Harry had hoped they wouldn't need it, but had had a feeling it would be best if he left it with them, should anything happen in his absence. Luna hadn't taken any and had ended up being hit by a stray curse on their way upstairs. Eventually the Weasleys asked of Dumbledore's death and Harry was, luckily, spared from having to explain it all over again by McGonagall. Mrs. Weasley was too upset over Bill to pay much attention to anything else, sobbing about poor Bill and made a few mentions of Ron, how she had already lost one son…How she could have lost her other children…How different her poor Billy's life might be…Eventually the others broke off into their own conversations, including a loud argument between Lupin and Tonks over a relationship Tonks wanted that Lupin was reluctant to give.

"I think…we should go, Harry," Hermione said quietly, not seeming to want to be around others any more than Harry did.

The two stood up, seemingly unnoticed by everyone. As they headed towards the door, though, Harry was stopped by a hand on his arm. "One second…I'd like a word, Mr. Potter," McGonagall said.

Harry nodded and followed McGonagall to an empty side of the infirmary. She looked at him sympathetically. "I know the headmaster's death is hard on everyone and…considering how close you were to Severus…you trusted him…I'm sure it's quite the shock and is bound to be upsetting to you. I know you have your friends, but if you ever need any guidance…anyone to talk to…You know where to find me."

McGonagall had been so harsh towards Severus since finding them together and no more than ever she had reason to mistrust him and hate him…Harry couldn't blame her for it and he wished he could tell her the truth. He doubted she would believe him, anyway. He did feel a rush of gratitude towards his Head of House for her care and he slowly nodded his head. "Okay…Thanks, Professor."

Harry turned and walked back to Hermione who was waiting by the door. She reached out and took his hand and together they walked through the corridors, towards the dungeons at Harry's silent urging. Hermione sent him a sharp, shocked glance, but said nothing as she followed him. The walk seemed to be taking forever and Harry didn't mind so much…The sooner he faced this task, the sooner he would have to accept everything that had happened tonight was real and he wasn't fully ready to accept it all as truth.

Dumbledore was dead. Dumbledore was dead. It didn't seem real. How could anyone kill Dumbledore? He was the most powerful wizard in the world. He was the most brilliant person Harry had ever met. No matter how frustrating the older wizard could sometimes be…He was all the real guidance Harry had had. Harry loved him. Harry needed him. How was he supposed to defeat Voldemort alone? No help from Dumbledore…No possible way to get help from Severus…

Severus.

Severus and Draco were gone now, too…Alive, thankfully, but for how long? Would Voldemort punish Draco for not doing it as he was supposed to? Would he punish Severus for losing Harry's trust? Even if it wasn't today, how long would they really last under the cruel and tyrannical rule of Voldemort? The war was getting stronger now…The end was near, Harry knew.

It was the loss, Harry knew. This ache inside of him…It came from losing yet three more people in his life…People who meant so much to him. One was dead and there was a very real possibility he'd never see the other two again. But it was more than just that…It was the realization of what was upon him.

It was one thing to know what he had to do. He had been training for nearly two years for very good reason…But it was here now. Voldemort had gotten what he wanted…Dumbledore no longer stood in his way. How long would the rest of their world stand against him? It was the time for action now…and Harry felt lost. What was he supposed to do now? How could he do this alone…?

They stepped over broken glass, pieces of metal, broken wood of picture frames, and even a few rubies and sapphires and emeralds and topazes that had been kicked around and spread out from the broken hourglasses. There were even smears of blood that, not paying attention, Hermione slid on and Harry grabbed her and held her steady, waiting with her while she stared down in horror at the blood under her feet. They continued on, Hermione now trembling softly.

The dungeons were empty when they got there…Lucky. Less explaining he would have to do. He hadn't even thought of it until he got there. Hermione squeezed his hand as they approached Severus's office and he stepped in, the whole place feeling unnaturally empty and cold. Swallowing hard, Harry pulled his necklace out of his shirt and stared down at the lion and the snake and the new words, amor vincit. It was new…Had Severus changed it, knowing he would never be back? His throat felt tight and he reached out to grasp the side of Severus's desk, his fingers enclosing tightly around the pendant. His heart clenched painfully at the thought of his lover and the knowledge that he would not find him behind this wall and that no matter how long he waited, he wouldn't be coming back. The tears that had been invading his eyes finally began to overflow, slowly…One by one sliding down his face.

"Harry…" Hermione said quietly, her voice trembling.

"Amor vincit," Harry whispered, wiping his tears away and taking a deep breath as the door started to appear in the wall.

"Harry…Why are we here?" Hermione asked quietly.

Harry didn't answer her. He didn't dare say anything until they were in the safety of Severus's rooms. He stepped forward and reached out, grasping the knob as it appeared and twisting it, pushing it open as the door became fully visible. Hermione hurried in after him and Harry quickly closed the door and leaned back against it. Hermione didn't stand very far from him, looking awkward and uncertain where she stood.

"Draco said Voldemort was going to kill him if he didn't do it soon," Harry explained quietly, slowly moving across the room to collapse onto the familiar couch. Hermione moved over to gingerly sit beside him.

"He should have come to us…We told him to tell us…to let us try to help him," Hermione argued.

"I know…But he was scared…Really scared," Harry reminded her. Draco had been petrified the more Voldemort threatened him. Harry and Hermione had been foolish to assume they had convinced Draco to come to them with all of his problems. If he had, maybe this wouldn't have happened. He wouldn't' have let in the Death Eaters. And Severus wouldn't have had to kill Dumbledore. "You didn't see him, though…He really didn't want to…He was so upset and so scared. He actually cast the curse, but either it missed or it wasn't strong enough because it didn't hurt him…Dumbledore, I mean," Harry explained. "Pansy showed up, too, by the way. Tried urging Draco to do it…Said something nasty about you so he Stupified her," he explained, not sure why, but hoping that it would make Hermione feel a little better.

It didn't seem to work. Her eyes flashed angrily. "Yes, because we should all use spells against people because they badmouth someone."

Harry decided to leave out the part about Dumbledore offering Draco protection if he stayed on their side. If he talked about it he would just get angry again…But he also had a feeling he would try to defend Draco if Hermione or anyone else said anything about it. It was the same with Severus…Harry was upset with them, but at the same time didn't think he could bear hearing other people's low opinions of them and their actions. He did go on without responding to Hermione's comments. "A few Death Eaters came in after that. Amycus and Alecto, I think…and then Greyback. Tried to get Draco to do it, but I don't think he could even try again…Then Severus came in and…He and Draco and Alecto all pointed their wands at him and Severus…he did it. He made the others leave and stayed behind to talk to me…Told me Dumbledore was dying, anyway. Remember his hand? How black and nasty it looked? It had something to do with being cursed by another Horcrux he tried to destroy. It was going to kill him anyway and…and he had to drink poison tonight when we got the locket and…that…that could have done it, too…They arranged for Severus to kill him beforehand…He said I needed to tell everyone he and Draco were on Voldemort's side…That he couldn't play the double agent anymore and has to stay on Voldemort's side…Made me chase him…and attack him…so he'd have a memory to show Voldemort…So he wouldn't try to use Severus to continue to 'use' me or what have you…"

"Oh, Harry," Hermione said quietly, voice filled with her emotional struggle, the one all too clear in her chocolate brown eyes and a difficulty Harry himself had been feeling for a while, and still did. "Do you believe him?"

"I hate them both," Harry said honestly. "Draco…He should have told us everything. He should have let us help…should have found another way. He shouldn't have let in the Death Eaters. He shouldn't have led them to Dumbledore…So many people got hurt and Dumbledore is dead…because of that. He should have…" He should have accepted Dumbledore's offer of protection. Harry cleared his throat and went on. "And I hate Severus…for not telling me everything. I hate him for…for not finding another way. I hate him for doing it…There had to be another way. For the both of them. There had to have been something else. They didn't try hard enough…didn't look hard enough…" His voice was thick now, cracking under the strain of his emotions. Dumbledore could still be alive, if not for them. There was more that could have been done…Harry didn't know what, but he knew there had to have been something. "But I love them both, too. Draco is one of my best friends and…I love Severus…With all of my heart. I trust him…I believe in him…Even if I probably shouldn't…I think that…they both…fucked up. But I know…I know, Hermione…I know that…that they…" He struggled a moment, finding the right words in his muddled brain. "I know that they aren't evil…that they aren't really with Voldemort. The both did, and are doing, what they believed was right. I think that…wherever they are…they'll be helping us…somehow. Severus loves me…I know he does. And Draco…He loves you."

Hermione bit her lip hard, tears filling her brown eyes and trailing down her cheeks. Her jaw trembled and Harry reached out to take her into his arms and she clutched him desperately. "I love him, too…I love him so much, Harry…I just…I don't…"

"Shhh, I know," Harry whispered, stroking her hair and her back, pressing his lips to her wet cheek.

"I hate him and I love him and I just…I just…UGH! I want to strangle him so badly!" Hermione said, half laughing and half sobbing against him. "We'd be idiots to trust them, wouldn't we?" she demanded, pushing away and wiping her eyes desperately, clearing her throat and coughing a bit.

"Probably," Harry said quietly. He was sure anyone who knew of this conversation would think they were moronic for trusting Severus Snape and Draco Malfoy…They were the reason the castle was invaded and the reason Dumbledore was gone. The events of the night should have opened their eyes to the sort of people they really were…But somehow, it just didn't get through. It didn't have to make sense, because deep down, no matter what, there was too much love and too much trust between them for anything to really and truly break that bond. "We can pick out a few hexes for them when we finally see them again…punish them, you know…Then it'll be alright," he joked.

Hermione laughed, a shaky and almost hysterical sound as she wiped the fresh tears from her face. "I'll have to…get Ginny to…to show me how she does the…the Bat Bogey Hex so…so w-well."

Harry nodded and took a deep breath and relaxed against the familiar cushions of the couch. He didn't want to leave. He wanted to stay here all night…maybe for the rest of term. Severus's rooms seemed like the only real comfort he had now. But he had a job to do…and nothing he wanted really mattered right now. There was too much at stake…too much he had to do before Voldemort went too far.

"Severus said to find his potions book…To learn all of his spells and whatnot," Harry explained after a few silent minutes. "He also said you have free reign to his books…to pick out anything you think we might need."

Hermione nodded. "So…we…?"

"I need to hunt down the rest of the Horcruxes," Harry explained, reluctantly tearing himself away from the couch and standing up. "Somehow, I don't think anything I say will convince you to stay behind."

"Not a chance," Hermione agreed, getting up, as well. "You can't do this alone, Harry…And I'm not sure I'd be able to stand it, losing you, too. We need to stick together, Harry…We have to."

Harry nodded and took a deep breath, looking back at Severus's bookshelves. "I'm not coming back next year, you know…School just…doesn't seem all that important now."

"You're right," Hermione said sadly. "But Hogwarts won't really matter if Voldemort takes control of everything."

Harry nodded. "I'll have to go back to the Dursley's one more time…because that's what Dumbledore wanted…"

Hermione nodded. "Then we'll have to go to the Weasley's for a short time…" Harry raised his eyebrows questioningly…How could anything else be more important than finding Horcruxes? Hermione was quick to explain. "Percy and Penelope are getting married this summer. The Weasley's will all want you there and…and they're like family, Harry…We should at least…say goodbye…and be there for them for at least a few days…Learn what we can from the Order before we go. We can leave them on good terms and…and I'd feel bad not going to see them, honestly…With…Ron being gone and…Bill…being hurt," Hermione explained.

Harry nodded slowly, the idea of just abandoning the Weasleys, who were practically family, seeming so wrong. He did want to spend time at the Burrow…Maybe enjoy a few days before they headed on this journey of theirs. Harry was sure he could convince Sirius to give him some sort of information before they left…Anything that might be useful to them.

With their plans agreed upon, Harry and Hermione set to work. Harry ransacked the bedroom until he found the Half Blood Prince's potions text while Hermione plucked out various books and looked through them before adding them to a pile or putting them back into place. While she worked, Harry set the book upon the bed and looked around. He saw Severus's notes for the potion he had been working on and he straightened the parchment and closed the books and straightened everything up. He dug through drawers, finding spare quills and inkpots and fresh bits of parchment…An entire drawer full of potions that Harry had no idea what they were for. He switched to the drawers on the other side of the desk, the first one making his throat close up. Pictures of his mother…He pulled out the stack of pictures and licked his lips as he looked at them. Why did Severus have pictures of his mother? The emotion he felt just seeing her beautiful face kept him from thinking too hard on it all and all thoughts of the matter were wiped entirely away as he found pictures of himself. One was of him doing his homework, eyebrows scrunched up in concentration. Another of him taking a nap on the couch. The last was of Severus and Harry on the couch…Severus was reaching one of the books Harry had given him for Christmas and Harry was just watching him. He cracked a smile when he remembered this one…Draco had sneaked in to ask Severus for a hangover potion and couldn't resist snapping a picture of the two, who hadn't seemed to notice his presence.

It was probably the only picture of them together.

Harry folded it up and carefully put it in his pocket and stuffed the other pictures into the drawer. He wanted to take everything with him…But he knew he couldn't. He frowned and picked the book up off of the bed, walking out of the room, like he was forcing himself through a wall…like it was taking every last bit of his strength to walk out of that bedroom…He didn't know how he was going to leave the rooms altogether.

"Got it?" Hermione asked, putting another book back on the shelf. She was kneeling and on the last one.

"Yeah," he said quietly.

"Good. I think I'm done, too," she said, standing up and grabbing the small stack of books she had piled up onto the table. "He has a lot of interesting things, but I just picked out the ones I thought would be most useful," she explained. Harry nodded, well aware of Hermione's scrutiny as she eyed him. She then reached out and took his hand, shifting all of the books under one arm…And with that touch, she managed to give Harry what strength he needed to walk away.

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Lost and Damned