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And They Didn\'t Live Happily Ever After	By : ElizabethStump Category: Harry Potter > Het - Male/Female > Snape/Hermione Views: 90306 -:- Recommendations : 2 -:- Currently Reading : 2
Disclaimer: I do not own Harry Potter, nor any of the characters from the books or movies. I do not make any money from the writing of this story.

Chapter List
- 63
- 64
- 65
“And They Didn't Live Happily Ever After”

Chapter Sixty-Three

“Bang, Bang, Bang Went the Trollop”

Disclaimer: Disclaim, disclaim, disclaim went the lawyers
Rowling, Rowling, Rowling inspired my fanfic
For the moment I read her I fell

Lemons, lemons, lemons demanded readers
Thump, thump, thump went our couple
Thump, thump, thump went my keyboard
Rowling owns all of this, can't you tell?

============

At the last Chudley Cannons' game of the season, they played the Tutshill Tornadoes, which had become somewhat of a rival over the past few years. Hermione was thrilled that she would have all her Saturdays back, until the next season began in mid-February. If what the old Roma fortuneteller said would come to pass – that her marriage would not last the rest of the year – she wouldn't even have to worry about that ever again.

It was a mostly cloudy day with a light breeze and a slight chill. It reminded her of the weather during a lot of school Quidditch games back at Hogwarts.

After the game, there would be the big post-season party, and she hoped Ron did not want to linger too long, though she knew he would probably stay until the bitter end. However, given his rather strict diet for his upcoming calendar shoot, she thought he might want to avoid the temptation of too much drink and rich fatty foods that were usually served up at these affairs. Even last night at the Ministry's Halloween Masked Ball, shortly after Severus left, Ron had asked if Hermione wanted to go home as he wanted to go to bed early and get a good night's rest before the last game of the year. Hermione was more than happy to cut her night short as well. Ron had even limited himself to one alcoholic drink last night and tried to avoid the more butter-ladened fare.

Up on his broom, she noticed he was flying particularly well that day. He exuded confidence and caught the Quaffle every time. His workouts seemed to give him better balance and strength on his broom, which was a good thing, considering this was his career after all.

After a few hours, the Snitch showed up and was promptly caught by the Cannons' Seeker, Wally Bristol. Glad to have the game finally over, Hermione meandered down to the club room for the party.

As the wives were waiting for their husbands to come out of the club's locker room, Hermione noticed Christie Kidd and Nicole Stewart glancing over towards her as they stood near the ice sculpture of a set of Quidditch goals, miniature versions of Quidditch players rendered in ice flying about the hoops. She was tempted to look at them and shout uncharacteristically, "What the fuck are you two cunts staring at," but held her tongue. It was out of character to be too confrontational, but it was exactly how she was feeling at the moment.

Finally, Christie sauntered over and said, "That was quite a dress you wore last night. It was the talk of the ball."

Hermione wanted to roll her eyes. She didn't know where this conversation was going to head, nor did she care. She wasn't even sure if Christie was being sincere or not, not that it mattered to her either way. She had bigger things to deal with in her life than a couple of witches who had made a point of taunting her over the past several years.

"I didn't notice," Hermione honestly replied. She wasn't sure if her dress was a hit or not, but Fleur and many other witches she trusted and knew seemed to like it. Most of all, she did not need or want this witch's approval.

"Well, it was," Christie insisted. Nicole came up next to Christie to join in the conversation, if you could call it that.

"So we saw you talking with Lady Anne Battenberg," Nicole piped up.

'Ah, here we go. Now I know why they are bothering to acknowledge me,' Hermione accurately surmised.

Tired at the prospect of bothering to engage these two, Hermione turned to face them, putting her drink down to stare Christie right in the face and blandly replied, "And?" She didn't even bother to hide the boredom plainly written on her face.

"We were just wondering–" Christie continued, but stopped when Hermione turned around and walked away from the pair.

"What? What the..." Christie said in confusion to Hermione's abrupt departure from the conversation without even some excuse as to why she walked away.

Hermione left the club room before the men had even emerged. She wanted to go sit in the stands and be away from the noise of a crowded room with cheerful faces and loud talking.

A cheer arose as the men came out, and eventually Ron went outside to find his wife.

"I don't feel like going back in," Hermione began, knowing he would ask her why she was outside in the cold instead of inside enjoying the free food and drink.

"Any particular reason?" he asked.

It surprised her that her husband had asked a simple question for an explanation instead of jumping on her back, accusing her of being unfriendly to the other wives – a claim she had countered with her own tales of how horribly they had behaved towards her over the years – or wheedling on about how he needed her to put up a good front and be a good sport, suffering them for just a bit, for his sake.

Hermione wanted to recount her encounter with Kidd and Stewart, but just wearily shook her head.

Instead of launching into a tirade about her attitude, he said, "I'll just explain that you're worn out from the ball last night and you have a headache."

Hermione looked at her husband and smiled weakly. "Thanks, Ron. I appreciate it."

It saddened Hermione to admit it, but ever since Ron admitted he’d married her after being pressured by Molly, and since they both had silently acknowledged their marriage was over, they had been behaving much more civilly towards each other than they had over the last few years. Though Ron had not suggested divorce or even a separation, she could sense it was coming, if she didn't suggest it first.

Before leaving her to rejoin the party, Ron said, "Bascom has changed some aspects of the calendar shoot. I was informed just last night, and you looked tired so I thought I'd wait until today to tell you."

Hermione held her breath wondering what bomb Ron was going to drop in her lap.

"Instead of shooting all around the United Kingdom, Bascom wants to go all over the world," Ron elaborated. "India, Tanzania, Japan, the Americas. He wants to make the calendar more internationally appealing by including more exotic locales to boost sales abroad. So that means I'll be gone for three weeks."

She nodded, indicating she understood.

"I can't take you with me, though that might have been nice for you, I suppose. A real holiday, a chance to relax since you deserve one so much – though I'll be busy with the photography. But that means I'll be gone three weeks, leaving Wednesday. Is that okay?"

It was sweet that Ron was asking if it was alright if he up and took off for three weeks. It wasn't like she had much of a choice either, since Ron had to go as part of his contract, but it seemed he was trying to be accommodating for once.

Placing her hand along the cheek of the man before her, she said with a bittersweet smile, "Go, Ron. Have fun, see the sights, and owl me a postcard. I'll be fine," she assured him.

"Thanks, 'Mione." He leaned over and gave her a gentle peck on the cheek before going back into the clubhouse once more.

Hermione Apparated home, feeling a little bit more hollow inside.

~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~

Arriving at work at seven in the morning, Hermione unlocked the lab and found the box of fluxweed still sitting in the corner where Mr. Dushka had kicked it in a fit during his shag fest with his wife and their mutual paramour the other night during the Ministry's masked ball.

It was a twenty-pound box, but it looked like at least a good pound of it had fallen out of the box and spilled onto the floor.

Hermione was tempted to pick through the fluxweed strewn on the floor, but all that Severus and Draco needed was to have fluxweed contaminated with someone's hair from the floor, be it Trevor's, the Dushkas', Kingsley's, or even a rat’s hair, and the whole thing would be for naught. Not even a Summoning Charm for impurities could assure with 100% certainty that the fluxweed wasn't contaminated.

After quickly putting aside enough uncontaminated fluxweed for two batches of potion and storing it in the pocket of her robes, Hermione began sweeping up the ruined fluxweed and discarding it in the trash. Just as she was dumping a dustpan full of the botanical into the dustbin, Madam Dushka burst into the lab, surprised to find Hermione already there and at work.

Knowing what had happened, but pretending she had no clue, Hermione said, "I was just about to call the Aurors. I think someone broke into the lab during the ball and tried to steal a highly regulated Potion ingredient."

Madam Dushka paled upon realizing what box her husband had busted open during their three-way tryst. "No need. Aurors have already taken care of the matter. Nothing was stolen. Just write up a report and make your best guess how much was ruined," she said nervously before leaving quickly.

This suited Hermione just fine. Kingsley had seen the lab, and – should it be recalled in a Pensieve memory – the box of fluxweed was already busted open with the plant material most probably clinging to the trousers and underpants of Mr. Dushka, since it was his feet and weight that broke it open.

Of all the ingredients, the fluxweed was the most scarce, yet easiest to steal from the lab.

'How ironic,' she mused.

For lunch, Hermione met Ginny at a Muggle restaurant on the outskirts of London. Hermione had heard from her mother about this place with fabulous curry she had tried recently. Mrs. Weasley suggested it as a place where she could discreetly pass off the fluxweed to Mrs. Potter with little possibility of a witch or wizard being around. Hermione even went to Gringotts and got some Muggle money with which to pay for the meal, insisting this once that she should treat Ginny instead of their usual split check.

Ginny's hands nearly shook as she took the ingredient and carefully placed it in a pocket of her Muggle-style jacket, zipping the inside pocket closed for good measure.

Over lunch, they avoided mentioning Draco and Severus, or any interaction they had with them during the masked ball in their alternate personas. Instead, Hermione updated Ginny on her encounter with Christie and Nicole after the game, and on Ron's upcoming three-week trip.

"That sounds like such a good idea," Ginny said in response to Ron's trip. "I really should book one for Harry and me. In fact, I think I'll insist on it. It's been far too long since Harry and I went on holiday."

This was Hermione's Pensieve memory to use should one be asked for regarding the sudden disappearance of one Ginny Potter. The red-haired witch didn't say as much, but it was understood.

It finally struck Hermione that not only would Severus be gone soon, but that her dear friend, Ginny, would be as well.

Hermione felt the pricking of tears behind her eyes, but held them back, knowing that it might ruin the memory and indicate foreknowledge of Ginny and the Death Eaters' flight.

They spent the rest of Hermione's lunch hour discussing innocuous topics. Hermione noted how the time flew and it was far too soon before she had to return to work.

~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~

In the afternoon, Miss Brown had taken Draco and Severus to the fourth floor office space of The Sirens' Secret, which was its own little secret since Lavender cast the Fidelius Charm and she was its Secret-Keeper. She had already Obliviated the workers downstairs as to the location above their heads. They were busy working away, preparing the shop for its grand opening on first Saturday in December, just in time for the Christmas shopping season.

Miss Brown had procured a new cauldron according to Severus' directions. It sat in the middle of the room, calling to him. Severus could scarcely believe it, but in approximately one month's time, he would be able to brew anything he wanted and cast any spell without the risk of a Dementor's Kiss. He could almost taste the freedom that was yet to come.

Just as they were about to leave, the fireplace over in the corner roared to life and Ginny stepped out of it, still wearing her short black leather Muggle jacket.

"I got it!" she crowed triumphantly as she unzipped her inner pocket and held aloft the package.

Ginny handed it over to Lavender as Severus rushed over to look over the last ingredient needed for their freedom.

In the light of the attic space, he examined the fluxweed without touching it, looking for its quality and any hint of contamination, given that a short wizard had been buggering a boy while standing atop of the fluxweed box. He knew Hermione would make sure she hadn't given them anything contaminated, but he wanted to make sure to put his own mind at rest, observing that Hermione had provided enough for two batches.

The quality and consistency was good. Satisfied, he let Draco examine the fluxweed before Lavender placed it on a table that included all the other ingredients.

Severus then began to give very specific and detailed instructions to Ginny on how to begin stewing the lacewing flies for twenty-one days. One could not exactly purchase pre-stewed lacewing flies, and even if one could, Severus would not trust the quality of the product. If anything, the twenty-one days required to stew them would give Ginny time to purchase Portkeys for the three of them and convince her husband that they should go on holiday, should anyone from the Portkey office mention anything about his upcoming trip to his face.

All Ginny needed was for some idiot to ask Harry , "So, looking forward to your big trip?" where everyone could hear and for Harry to reply, "What trip?" Then all their plans would go pear-shaped.

Severus, Draco, and Ginny had carefully planned for every contingency so far, and with a whole lot of preparation and a little luck, it would go off without a hitch.

Once the lacewing flies were slowly simmering, there would be little to do since the rest of the ingredients were added either the day before or the day of the potion's completion. Of course Severus would make a trip every day to check on the status of the stewing lacewing flies, or Draco, should he not be able to check himself.

As they all left by Floo, Ginny for home, and the rest back to Lovely Lavender's headquarters, Severus couldn't help but look over his shoulder one more time to see the cauldron sitting there with a small fire beneath it, his key to freedom simmering away.

~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~

When Hermione arrived at Severus' door for their ritual Monday night rendezvous, no words were spoken.

Hermione threw herself into Severus’ arms and they began kissing with urgency. As they moved towards the bed, they spun around each other, trying to make their way to the bed as they disrobed each other and themselves at the same time.

She downed a vial of Lubrication Potion as Severus was settling himself on the bed. Once on the bed, Severus sat with his back against the headboard and Hermione quickly mounted him, neither in need of foreplay as they were both ready.

What was first a dire need for each other, the need to consume each other in haste, lessened. Hermione rode Severus with purposefully languid movements as they gazed intently into each other’s eyes. Eyes locked onto each other, Hermione rose and fell, Severus' hands guiding her hips up and down, rocking his hips in time to her movements. The emotional intensity between them was visceral and burned brightly.

As Severus' hands moved up to palm her breasts, Hermione finally let her eyes close shut, overwhelmed by the feeling of love for Severus. Pulling his head to her chest, he responded by grasping her tightly to his own chest and thrust up from underneath her with fierce intent, lost in the moment of his own love for this witch he had fallen for.

Had he already declared his love to her openly, he would have exclaimed it once more in that moment.

Severus came knowing Hermione had not reached her own orgasm yet. There was no hesitation or shame in his seizing of the moment for his own needs. They still had one more test batch of the Arousal Potion and Male Enhancement Potion to test later that night.

Hermione remained still, reveling in the sensation of Severus clutching her so possessively, his length filling her, his scent of sweat and musk filling her nostrils, the softness of his hair tickling her breasts and arms, and the feel of their lightly sweating skin sticking to each other. When he was gone, she wanted to remember how she felt in his arms, needed so much by this one man.

Finally, she spoke. Hermione wanted to cut the tension, since if she didn't lighten the mood she would start to cry, and she didn't want to cry tonight.

"Who was that obnoxiously loud buffoon at the ball?" Hermione asked, expressing incredulity that Severus and Delgado were the same man. "There is no way that anyone would ever believe that the golden arse you behaved as and Severus Snape could ever be the same person!"

She began laughing at the thought of recalling this strange alternate personality Severus displayed.

"That was the whole point of the exercise," the former spy pointed out. "Should anyone even suggest that Sebastian Delgado going back to Spain shortly before I leave England are more than mere coincidence they will be laughed at. My natural personality is so ingrained into the minds of so many, no one would believe – I hope – that it could have ever been me in disguise."

"Well, I certainly wasn't prepared. You didn't tell me you'd have that silly accent and that ridiculous outfit. And your hair. It was short and gold," Hermione remarked, playing with several strands of Severus' hair which was once again long, black, and straight. "Why didn't you warn me?"

"Because it's more believable that you'd be shocked by my appearance as opposed to having to manufacture a false initial impression."

"Well, that performance you gave, had it been on the film screen, would have earned you a BAFTA award," Hermione said dryly.

Severus didn't know what BAFTA was, but he understood her implied remark regardless.

As suggested by Severus during the previous week, Hermione came over early enough for them to dine together before they began more experimentation. At the end of the night, they were both in agreement that the full pinch of Caprese mother of pearl had the right length of potency to complement the Male Enhancement Potion, both wearing off about the same time.

Sitting on the settee in front of the fire, after a nice relaxing post-shag shower, Hermione mentioned Ron's upcoming three-week trip.

"He even said he wanted to bring me along, but couldn't. Even so, if he could bring me along, I still would have refused." Hermione snuggled up closer to Severus and squeezed him lightly about the chest to let him know he was the reason why she would have stayed behind if invited. "Still, a holiday did sound awfully nice. It's been ages since I've even had a weekend away."

An idea suddenly formed in Hermione's mind.

"Are you free this weekend, Severus?"

Pulling his head back a little to gaze down at the top of her head firmly planted on his chest, he mused, "I could always cancel Sunday evening. I suppose I am available. What do you have in mind?"

"I have a credit card and a driver's license. I even know how to drive. I could rent a car and we can go away somewhere this weekend. Get away from this flat, for a change of pace. As much as this place has become a sanctuary for me, it would be nice to get away for once, someplace different."

"And we would need two days to drive because England is so vast?" he joked, giving a sarcastic arch of his brow.

"I was thinking we could find a little out of the way bed and breakfast," she suggested.

"Muggle accommodations?"

"As opposed to wizard accommodations where everyone knows your name and face, and many know mine as well. What better way to have a little anonymity than to go somewhere witches and wizards would never deign to go," she reasoned.

"You do recall that being out in public together is what tipped Lavender off about Ginny and Draco being together," he countered.

"And the soaps he ordered from Lavender especially for Ginny didn't help matters either. Besides, that was out in London where there are thousands of wizards walking about anywhere at any time."

"And what about us being seen together in a car in Muggle London, running the risk of being seen together while we're stopped at a zebra crossing, waiting for some little old lady to cross the road?" Severus pointed out.

"I'll get a wig, you wear a hat, and we'll both wear sunglasses," she offered.

Hermione sat up and regarded Severus. She could see him considering it and weighing the possibilities of a snag hindering his plans in the near future.

"Severus, you have cooked for me, listened to me, nursed my soul from the brink of despair, and have been my friend and lover. Let me treat you to this one thing before you leave. As my indulgence for you since you have been a sole source of solace for me since the day I stepped foot into this flat." Hermione placed her hand softly upon his chest above his heart.

Severus’ initial inclination and instinct was to say no, but he wondered if he would regret this one splurge at the insistence of his lover. Women had only ever come to him to demand their pleasure be served. Hermione was taking care of him this time, seeking to bring him some joy, as she had been doing more and more as their time together passed. Against his better judgment, he agreed.

As they sat together in front of the fire, they discussed possible destinations to drive to while considering the locales of many villages populated with multitudes of wizards and Quidditch pitches around the country. In the end, they agreed that if they drove out towards Norwich, there would be little chance of them coming across others in their community. Hermione assured Severus that they would easily find a bed and breakfast in the region with a room available at the last minute, since November was definitely not the high season.

~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~

Severus was actually feeling chipper. He had come up with an initial formulation for the body paint that Miss Brown whipped up earlier in the day, and both were pleased with the initial results. It was a simple mixture of cornflour, gelatin, sugar, various flavoring, a few common magical ingredients, and coloring agents; it even changed colors based on body temperature. Most of the ingredients were things even available to Muggles with no chance of seasonal fluctuations, since many of the flavoring agents were dried and powdered forms of different fruits, which were stocked year-round.

The Potions master found this mixture much easier to lick clean from his arm hair than the other mixtures he and Hermione had experimented with. He would have worked with Hermione on this, but she had work during the day and time was now limited. Still, he suggested to Lavender that Hermione at least get a small percentage in royalties since she did help with some of the research and did buy him the book that put him on the path towards an edible body paint that was palatable in pleasing colors.

He couldn't wait to try it out on Hermione Thursday night.

Miss Brown was thrilled that he had finally come up with something that met her expectations, since this one particular product seemed so difficult to create, given all the dead ends Severus had reached.

On top of progress on that front, Lavender agreed that she would owl Mrs. Paxton that his company for Sunday evening was unavailable due to a case of Troll Flu, which freed up Severus for a weekend with Hermione without any worry about getting back for any particular time. And the cherry on top was a last-minute missive from Molly Weasley saying she had something come up last-minute and would be unable to join "Eduardo" that evening for her usual tea and bitching.

Lavender asked Severus if he did anything while disguised as Delgado to Molly, and he truthfully answered in the negative. But he did not volunteer that he made his very public and clumsy apology to Hermione at the ball right under Molly's nose, which may have made her skittish about being in close proximity to another Spaniard for some time, despite the fact that "Eduardo" had been nothing but gracious and genteel in her company. She had proven, through her various conversations during her visits, to lump all foreigners together; her assumption of one badly behaving Spaniard could easily be projected upon all Spanish wizards.

Severus, Draco and Lavender still had to work out when exactly each of their nom de guerres would "resign" from their respective positions, as it would be highly suspicious if both quit the same day. But that was to be hammered out at their weekly Friday meeting, over tea and biscuits.

Having just checked on the condition of the stewing lacewing flies after dinner, he found that Ginny had been there earlier in the day and added the correct amount of water to avoid the lacewing flies boiling dry overnight, even if it was a very low and slow simmer.

Not wanting to go back to his empty flat, and eager to read some more books Ginny had found on their final destination that he kept back at his office, Severus decided to Floo back to work and read there for the evening.

The house-elf at the front desk was surprised to see Severus at the office so late. Severus had spent many a late night there at work researching, but he supposed it had been a while since he stayed there late.

As he reached the top floor where their offices were, he heard a shriek come from his employer's office, and it didn't sound like the sort of angry scream she had let loose when he caught her having a temper tantrum before. Nor did it sound like the argument he’d briefly eavesdropped on a few months ago when Padma Patil came to have yet another screaming match with Miss Brown regarding her sister, Parvati, who was a permanent resident at St. Mungo's. There was a crash of something hitting the floor, which made Severus certain Miss Brown was in danger this time, in addition to a more piteous wail.

Wand drawn, he burst through the door to find Miss Brown lying on her desk on her back, blouse undone, one breast pulled free of her brassiere, her skirt hitched up about her waist, one shoe on the verge of slipping from her stocking covered feet, and her legs spread wide open while Ron Weasley was plugging away between her legs, savagely grunting and thrusting with wild abandon as he grasped her ankles. A piece of broken crockery that had fallen off her desk and onto the floor indicated the crash he had heard.

"Weasley," Severus snarled with utter loathing.

Ron stopped pumping his hips into Lavender, aghast at seeing his old Potions master in the doorway while the Gryffindor was shagging his paramour.

"Severus!" Lavender squealed in shock before clutching her undone blouse to her chest for modesty, viewing him from her upside down vantage point.

"Snape!" Ron bit out. Suddenly realizing how Lavender addressed the greasy git, Ron then looked down at his lover, whom he was still inside of, and asked with growing confusion, "Severus?" wondering why she was on a first-name basis with the intruder to their farewell shag.

Still taking in the scene, Severus kept his wand pointed at Weasley and drawled bemusedly, "Miss Brown?" waiting to see how she would explain her way out of this one.

Looking up at her lover pleadingly that he shouldn't jump to conclusions, she said sweetly, "Ron."

Ron immediately withdrew from Lavender, his cock now instantly deflated upon this surprise, and attempted to pull his trousers up. Lavender quickly got up and yanked her skirt down with one hand while still trying to clasp her blouse shut with the other.

"Do you know this... this... Death Eater personally?" Ron bellowed with umbrage as he fumbled with his buttons and zipper. Granted, the intruder was once their professor, but at no time during their school years were they ever on a first-name basis with the Potions master.

"It's not what you think, Ron," she began, panic in her voice as she turned her back to Severus, slipping her breast back into her brassiere and buttoning up her blouse.

"Then why are you addressing him like he's some friend or something?" he asked, his voice rising in pitch and volume. He finally had his own wand out and was pointing it at Snape.

"And here I was thinking you were shagging Kingsley," Severus added with mock befuddlement to the conversation, just to add some grease to the fire for his amusement and to add greatly to Miss Brown's discomfort since everything suddenly made perfect sense to him.

Swiveling to face Lavender, his face turning a deep red from sudden rage, Ron screamed, "You're fucking Snape and Kingsley?!?"

Lavender placed herself between Severus and Ron and screamed back at him, "I've been fucking no one but you for the past three and half years!"

Now Severus could place when they first got together. He knew for certain when Hermione would talk of Ron taking off where he was staying for sure, but there was one other thing.

"And you, Weasley," Severus said, interrupting their screaming match, "I thought you were shagging Blaise Zabini."

Both Miss Brown and Ron stopped to fix Severus with a look of confusion mixed with disgust – the disgust mostly coming from Ron.

"What?!?" they shrieked in unison.

"I would never–" Ron began.

"What makes you think Ron is shagging Blaise?" Miss Brown asked, talking at the same time as her lover.

"– if that isn't the most disgusting thing I've ever heard," Ron continued.

"How in the world did you ever come to that conclusion?" Miss Brown went on.

Severus was upset at discovering that his employer was the one who was fucking his own paramour's husband. And with this new knowledge, it explained Miss Brown's short temper when it came to the topic of Hermione and Potions work he was doing with her, and why she was irrational in her behavior when the topic of Mrs. Weasley came up. It also explained why she offered to drop Hermione's gigolo fees, if anything to ensure she would continue to see Severus and possibly draw attention away from the fact that her husband was fucking around on her. Then there was the pained look Miss Brown gave Severus when he cornered her into offering Hermione an apprenticeship position with pay as a condition of lining up Albert Dobmeir as his replacement.

It was such an ironically cozy circle of dalliances between them. Severus was fucking Hermione; Hermione was fucking Ron; Ron was fucking Lavender; Lavender employed Severus, who used to fuck Miss Anne, who was now marrying Viktor Krum, Hermione's old boyfriend; Severus used to fuck Mrs. Nettleton, who is the wife of the man sponsoring Ron; and soon Hermione would work for her husband's mistress. It was almost comically incestuous and convoluted. Severus even wondered if Mrs. Nettleton had tried to fuck Ron yet.

Ron made the first aggressive move when he advanced towards Severus with his wand drawn and threatened, "How dare you. I'm going to do what Harry should have done to you."

Before Severus, who was quick as lightening in a duel, could react to Weasley, Lavender shouted, "STUPIFY!"

Ron fell to the ground, stunned with a look of shock on his face, still clutching his wand.

Turning to face Severus, Miss Brown commanded him with a pointed finger towards a door, "Go hide in the loo. I'll Obliviate Ron and tell him something from the shelf above fell on his head. We'll talk after I get him out the door, which he was going to do soon anyway."

Taking direction from his employer, Severus did as he was told without hesitation for once. From inside Lavender's toilet, he could hear through the door Miss Brown cast the spell and start feeding Ron a new set of memories.

"Poor thing, that nasty poltergeist knocked that jar on top of your head. Let me see that. Oh, it's not too bad, at least your handsome face was untouched. And it looks like it's almost time for you to leave if you're going to make your Portkey with Bascom to Morocco tonight. You had better get going. Here's your duffel bag, sweetie. I'll miss you. I can't wait to see you when you get back. Have fun and owl me a postcard."

Severus heard Miss Brown shuffle Weasley towards the door and shut it behind him. She then pulled the door open to see Severus glowering at her with a stare that could freeze brimstone.

He was well aware of her quick wand skills and kept his own wand drawn, should she choose to change some of Severus' memories as well.

"Wonkle? Tea. Now!" she barked and the house-elf produced a tea set for the pair.

The Potions master and gigolo was in no mood for tea. Something much stronger was called for, but he wanted to stay stone cold sober for this little talk.

"Sit. Talk," he ordered her, once she had a cup of tea in hand to calm her nerves.

Miss Brown divulged everything. There was no need for Veritaserum or spells to compel her to disclose the truth.

She began with how she and Weasley crossed paths during Hermione and Ron's first big fight, shortly after the Potters’ wedding, just as Severus suspected. Miss Brown had found Ron drinking himself nearly blind, morose over the fact he was stuck in a marriage he’d never wanted from the start. Hermione and Ron's personalities clashed when forced to live in close quarters with one another. Miss Brown, naturally drawn to despondent souls, had played his confessor and they’d talked through the night. Eventually Ron had mostly sobered up when Lavender, moved by the moment, leaned forward and kissed him. He kissed back, followed by going back to her place to spend the next several days shagging their brains out before Ron felt guilty and compelled to return to his wife. He felt honor- and duty-bound to stay married to Hermione, despite the fact they had no children to bind the magic of their marriage yet.

Severus thought back and noted how Miss Brown had become a bit more secretive about her personal life at that point. He had already been working for her as a Potions master for seven months when this all transpired.

"And setting me up with Hermione," he prompted her.

Lavender then went on to confess that she knew at some point, Hermione would become vulnerable herself, and Lavender would most probably come across her in the same way she had found Severus, Ron and Ginny beforehand. And it seemed like the perfect fit that someone who worked in the Department of Standards & Regulations testing Potions ingredients could help provide Severus, and Draco and Ginny later on, a way out of England.

She did admit that as the relationship between Hermione and Severus developed, Lavender did begin to hope that perhaps Severus would take Hermione with him, given that Ron was going to leave her eventually. Lavender even confessed that Ron promised to ask for a divorce when he got back from his three-week trip, and the three weeks apart might help make Hermione realize that they were happier apart than staying married to one another.

If anything, Hermione leaving Ron to be with Severus would save a lot of hassle regarding the divorce if she decided to leave her husband first and the country as well. But with the apprenticeship that Severus had forced Lavender into agreeing to, that option was no longer on the table and they would have to deal with each other, face to face, and Hermione would be working for the witch who her husband would leave her for.

"And just what in the world made you think Ron was shagging Zabini?" she asked, wondering where that idea came from.

"Because Hermione came over to my flat the night after her anniversary dinner, and we heard him howling that Zabini should 'take it like a dirty bitch.' Then as Hermione was about to leave, we spied him coming down the stairs from Zabini's flat and tucking his shirt in with a very self-satisfied smirk upon that freckled mug of his," Severus elaborated, gritting his teeth in anger.

Lavender buried her face in her hands before removing them once she could speak. "That was me. We were on the roof having a sunset picnic since the view is so nice from up there. Ron was shagging me, not Zabini." She was suddenly mortified that she and Ron had both forgotten to put up a Silencing Spell and that Severus, and evidently half of Diagon Alley, had overheard them.

Severus threw a hand over his face, pained by the suffering Hermione had had to endure over the past few months thinking her husband was buggering other wizards instead of having a plain old heterosexual affair with another witch. "Hermione is under the mistaken impression that boy plays both sides of the Quidditch pitch. She thinks he's been fucking around with Merlin knows how many other wizards."

"Then maybe it will be a relief that he was only shagging me instead of half of the wizards in London," Lavender sarcastically threw out. Now she knew why Hermione was so cool towards her at the ball, thinking she had set her husband up with a gigolo.

Neither said anything for a while as they digested the night's events and revelations.

"So wait," Lavender suddenly spoke up. "Where did you get the idea Kingsley and I were intimate?"

"Because I saw you hugging him as he left your office once, and then Kingsley told Draco and me that he was separated from his wife," Severus explained.

"No," Lavender replied, somewhat exasperated. "That was the time I heard the good news, that the healers at St. Mungo's might be able to reverse some of the damage Macnair did to Parvati's mind. Macnair agreed to a deal: to avoid getting a Dementor's Kiss and to live the rest of the time in Azkaban, they could use his memories and his wand to try to fix some of the damage he's done." Lavender began to cry. "It hasn't done much, but a month ago she said my name for the first time in years. Anyone's name. And the screaming has lessened somewhat. She'll never be able to leave St. Mungo's, but she seems to be in less mental pain than before."

Severus sat there recalling Miss Brown's Pensieve memory and restrained a shudder, his stomach twisting in sickened knots as the visions came flooding back.

"She'll never be the same witch, but she was my best friend. If it wasn't her, it would be me at St. Mungo's as a permanent resident. Because of Zabini, I was able to escape." She sighed, worn out from the long day. "As much as I would prefer Macnair dead, I'm willing to let him live if Parvati is in less pain, even if he was the one who caused her this anguish."

They sat in contemplative silence for a while longer.

"Monday evening, I will bring Hermione here and you will confess everything," Severus demanded. "You will tell her everything: your scheming, your plotting, your ongoing affair with her husband, your plan that she would leave with me and leave Weasley behind for you to snatch up for your convenience. All of it."

"Why not tomorrow night, since you'll be conducting more Potions experiments," she sarcastically carped, using her fingers to make air quotes indicating exactly what Hermione and Severus got up to during their sex potions trails.

Severus stood up from his chair and leapt across the office to put his face dangerously close to hers, glaring daggers at her, his lip set into a sneer. "You're the one who engineered Hermione to fall into my bed as part of your machinations. Don't get flippant with me, Miss Brown."

"So fine, bring her here tomorrow and let's clear the air then," Miss Brown said cavalierly, waving her hand above her desk with a flip as if swatting away some offending gnat.

"No," he snapped at her brusquely. "Hermione and I are planning a quiet weekend."

"Ah, that's why you asked me to lie to Mrs. Paxton about you and the Troll Flu this weekend," she bit back.

"Don't talk to me about lies and cover stories. You're the last to throw that back at me right now," he warned her. "Let Hermione have this one weekend of peace and quiet before you rip her world and her preconceived notions apart," he insisted. "Perhaps if she's angry enough, she just may fulfill your desires and decide to quickly follow after me, and she won't be around to remind you of what you've accomplished with all your scheming."

"My scheming is leading to your and Draco's freedom, which you have wanted far longer than you have loved Hermione," she reminded him, "or did you forget that?"

He did not refute Miss Brown’s correct assessment regarding his feelings for Hermione.

Severus hated the fact that Hermione, whom he had come to care for greatly, even love, had become a useful pawn in this web of deception, infidelity, crisis of conscience, and loss of faith. Granted, she had admitted that she had never been happier than when she was with him, even with everything else in her world living far below her hopes and expectations, but that she was used in this complex game made his heart ache in empathy. Severus had been used by The Dark Lord and Dumbledore towards end goals in both wars, and he had been a pawn as long as Hermione had been alive. He knew what it was like to feel used and moved about for the amusement and by the whims of others with cold calculation. It still didn't make the feeling of being used and betrayed any less painful.

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A/N: A big round of thanks to my betas, JuneW and Hope for cleaning up my writing and making it bearable. I may write this fic, but they make it readable.

Title and disclaimer a parody inspired by the show tune, “The Trolley Song,” featured in the 1944 movie Meet Me In St. Louis, which includes the lyrics, “Clang, clang, clang went the trolley.” Written by Hugh Martin and Ralph Blane.

I hope this chapter answered some of the questions and suspicions you readers have had for a while. Of course Lavender was fucking Ron, but what fun would it have been if it was straightforward and no red herrings to distract you? And what was the first big hint that Lavender’s lover was Ron? Chapter ten, “Dead Men Walking.” Hermione's letter that she wants to see the gigolo with the incredibly sexy voice arrives at Lavender's office:

The landing of a small owl on her desk distracted Lavender's attention.

Reaching out for the small bird, she smiled. "Well, I wasn't expecting you today. Got something for me?"

Pigwidgeon held out his little leg with the note still attached.

Lavender recognized Ron's owl, thinking it was a missive from him instead.

And then there is the part from chapter 15, “Knowledge Is Power”:

"So it was a guess? The luck of the draw that the situation presented itself?" Severus asked.

"Partially. However, I have my own plans afoot. I have certain goals where Hermione is concerned. It was as time went by that I thought of how to use her to help you, Draco, and Ginny."

…

"I assure you, Mr. Snape, what plans I have concerning Hermione will not stop you three from fleeing. As a matter of fact, your flight from the country just may serve my ultimate purpose," Lavender said with a smug smile. "If that answer still does not meet with your satisfaction, then I will eventually tell you what you want to know. Until then, I prefer to keep my own counsel on the matter."

There you go. For those of you still clinging to the notion Ron and Lavender were having an affair, despite my Zabini red herring, ten points to the House of your choice.
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And They Didn\'t Live Happily Ever After