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Lost and Damned	By : danniperson Category: Harry Potter > Slash - Male/Male > Harry/Snape Views: 24087 -:- Recommendations : 0 -:- Currently Reading : 0
Disclaimer: I do not own Harry Potter, the characters or the world or anything, and I make absolutely no profit from this.

Chapter List
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LOST AND DAMNED

But the Truth in Who We Are

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On Saturday, they covered Privet Drive. It was the day the Order of the Phoenix intended to move Harry Potter and the Dark Lord and his Death Eaters would be ready. Severus Snape, as luck would have it, was one of those closest to Number Four, hiding in the darkness with his back pressed against the side of the house across the street. He had his broom in his hand and Draco Malfoy and Oedipus Odell on either side of him. Draco was fidgeting around nervously, looking very pale and like he might get sick at any moment. He was too young for this, Severus thought sadly, wishing he could afford to give his godson some sort of comfort. This was war, though…no one was going to have it easy…and Severus couldn't do much for fear of gaining unwanted attention from Oedipus, who was busily staring through the darkness at Number Four.

They weren't aware of when the door opened and the group walked out of the house, but they definitely took notice to the roar of an engine. Severus tensed and stared across the street while Oedipus took a glance around the neighborhood. "Must be them, then," he muttered, shifting around a bit and coming to mount his broom. Severus nodded to Draco and they followed suit.

Severus felt a strange mixture of excitement and dread. The mission itself was hard not to feel some sort of adrenaline rush over. They were getting to do something, finally. It seemed they spent more time strategizing than anything…a smart move, but when there was so much talk over the things they wanted to do, Severus was starting to feel anxious and just wanted to get it over with already. If not by success, then at least get the attempt over and done with. He felt anxious, eager to get moving so that he could stop worrying so much…So that Harry could be safe. The Dark Lord was not going to succeed, he told himself over and over again.

At the same time, though, he dreaded this whole ordeal. What if something did happen to Harry? Severus wasn't ready for that. He wasn't sure he could properly handle losing someone so important to him yet again. He had played too close a role in Lily's death…His own wand had brought about the end of Albus Dumbledore…Severus didn't just lose people, he always took part in the demise of those he loved. If anything happened to Harry tonight, his injuries or his death would, too, be caused by Severus Snape. He, who had given Mundungus Fletcher this idea to present (forgetting it was on Albus's orders altogether) and being among the Death Eaters who would attack them now…

Severus swallowed hard and gripped his broom firmly, watching as several dark figures moved up into the sky. There was no time to wallow in these miserable what ifs and driving himself mad with the thought of different scenarios. The only thing that he should be thinking about was doing this right…He had no doubts that no one would notice his and Draco's interference. Everyone was too caught up in what they needed to do to pay attention to such things. The false aiming and nonverbal spells would work without fail.

His main concern was Draco's ability to perform well under pressure. Another important factor was just how chaotic it would be and how many Harrys there would be…Accidents could happen, especially since it was only Draco and himself doing their best to help the damned Order. There were a little more than double the amount of Death Eaters than the group sent to help Harry.

"Now!" Oedipus hissed with a grin and began flying up towards where the group was headed. Severus and Draco followed suit and the rest of the Death Eaters were not far behind them.

"Bloody hell!" hissed Rabastan Lestrange from nearby.

"Don't worry about it…just gives us good reason to go after them all," cackled Alecto Carrow. "Crucio!"

"AVADA KEDAVRA!" someone nearby called out, but Severus couldn't decide who it was.

Severus took a quick moment to glance around at the Order. There were pairs on brooms, some on thestrals, and one on that damned motorbike that was Sirius Black's. The oaf, Rubeus Hagrid, was riding it…not seeing Black anywhere, he assumed he must be one of those disguised as Harry. Severus couldn't imagine he'd miss out on this bit of fun. He did note that Lupin was on one of the brooms as himself. There was Mad Eye Moody, Arthur Weasley, Bill Weasley, Kinglsey Shackelbolt, and Nymphadora Tonks…well, Lupin now, he supposed. The other seven were Harry Potter look-alikes. He figured Black and Granger were among them…Harry was, obviously, one of them…but other than that, he didn't know who else was among them. It didn't matter much, he supposed…Part of Severus wished he knew which one was Harry, but now was hardly the time to worry about it.

Flashes of light were shooting everywhere. Some were nonverbal, some idiots were actually screaming out their curses. Severus leaned to his right slightly and ducked, narrowly missing two curses from up ahead of him. It was tempting to fire back at Tonks and Lupin, but he had to remind himself that they didn't realize he was still on their side. Harry would probably be upset if he did any damage to Lupin, anyway. He aimed his wand just over Lupin's shoulder at where Ezra Nott was flying and shot out a nonverbal curse, pleased to see it hit, knocking Nott right off of his broom.

Draco wasn't fairing very well. He was doing more Shield Charms to protect himself than anything, considering he was spending too much time looking at the Order and, more specifically, the Harrys, as though trying to determine which ones were the ones he cared about. Severus growled in irritation and flew towards his godson, intercepting a curse that flew towards Draco's turned back. "Draco!" Severus snapped, rolling his eyes as the boy jumped and nearly fell off of his broom. "Focus!" he hissed before turning his own attention back to the fight.

"Sorry…shite," Draco muttered, shaking his head furiously as though trying to get a grip on himself before looking determinedly at the chaos around, holding up his wand a bit straighter and flying forward a bit faster.

There was little time to see how Draco picked things up from here. Azrael Avery, pointing her wand at Lupin's back. Severus quickly raised his own wand and aimed towards the Death Eater's wand hand. "Sectumsempra," he whispered, knowing that saying it would put more power behind the curse. Unfortunately, Azrael and Lupin both moved slightly at the same time…Enough for Azrael's curse to miss Lupin just narrowly and just enough for the curse to hit the Harry that was with Lupin…The sight of bright blood could only been seen for a moment, but Severus gaped in horror at the loud, pained scream. The sound…Severus clenched his wand in horror and fought against the urge to fly towards him and offer his help and his apologies…There was a good chance it wasn't even his Harry, Severus reminded himself…But the sight of…the idea of his Harry in pain…damaged…because of him…

A flash of green light shooting past him distracted him from the injured Harry and he spun around, glowering at Oedipus Odell who just grinned wickedly and flew off. There was no time to dwell on any of it. The Harry, be it his Harry or an decoy, was alive and would hopefully stay that way. Amycus and Alecto Carrow both went after a thestral carrying Bill Weasley and another Harry and Draco was on their tail. Severus felt a moment of immense pride as Draco deflected two curses at once without bringing any attention to himself, but his own attention was diverted before long. Since Draco had control of Bill, Severus turned his attention towards Oedipus Odell who was going after another thestral carrying Kingsley Shackelbolt and another Harry. He raised his own wand, aiming at Oedipus's arm, contemplating taking off his head instead of just an arm, but found himself roughly shoved aside by another Death Eater, followed shortly by the damned motorbike with Stan Shunpike on its tail.

"Expelliarmus!" the Harry in the sidecar yelled.

"That's him! It's him! It's the real one!" Abaddon Avery shouted from nearby.

Severus closed his eyes for a moment and groaned. Had they not been in the middle of a very dangerous battle, Severus would have considered knocking some sense into the boy. Damn it, damn it, damn it, damn it. There was little comfort in knowing-knowing-it was his Harry when everyone else was suddenly made aware of that fact. Severus glanced at him anxiously and eyed the nearby Death Eaters, though they immediately fell back and Severus's heart sank when he realized why. So far Harry seemed virtually unharmed.

So far.

Severus felt a chill run down his spine as he felt more than saw or heard the approach of the Dark Lord. He swallowed hard and gripped his wand tightly, wand arm trembling for the first time tonight as he saw the Dark Lord flying easily through the air after Hagrid and Harry.

How could he let anything happen to Harry? How?

"When the time comes, Harry will have to die," Albus had said.

Now wasn't the right time. It just wasn't. Severus swallowed hard. He couldn't…couldn't…lose his position. He had worked too hard and too long to get here, and he was still needed. He couldn't' abandon Hogwarts to the cruelty of the Carrows…Couldn't risk not being able to aid the war in any way that he could. Bugger them all…I'd gladly sacrifice them all for Harry he thought passionately, wanting so badly to chase after them and do whatever it took to keep Harry safe.

"So you've been keeping him alive to die at the proper moment? Raising him like a pig for slaughter?"

What could he do? Severus thought miserably. Harry was going to die. Harry was going to die by the end of this…he wouldn't survive the war. The only way the Dark Lord could die was if he took Harry with him. Still, couldn't Severus do whatever he could to prolong the boy's life?

"What have you done? Pushing me into pursuing the boy only to tell me that he has to die? Am I meant to lose every person I love, Albus?"

He hadn't had nearly enough time with Harry. He had spent too much of what time they did have pushing him away or fighting or something else. It was always something…Never willing to fully give himself over to his younger lover, too guarded of his heart…To terrified of what losing him would do to Severus. At this moment he regretted it all and wished with all of his heart he had made the most of every last second he had ever experienced with Harry.

"I have your word that you will do all in your power to protect the students of Hogwarts?"

Everything in his heart and mind and body and soul screamed out for him to follow…to protect Harry at all costs. It took every last strength he possessed to pull his broom away and speed off, following the Avery siblings and the Lestrange brothers after another decoy Harry. He had sworn to Albus he would play his part, that he would keep his position safe so that he could take care of Hogwarts and its students. This war had to end…for everyone's sakes. Severus knew the world could not continue in such a manner and knew that Harry himself would gladly die to put an end to it.

But that didn't have to be tonight, Severus reminded himself. Harry would have a little more time he said over and over again as his heart raced and his mind seemed to spin and his stomach lurched painfully within him. He wasn't sure how he was even staying steady on his broom or how he held his wand so calmly, but somehow he was…somehow his posture did not betray the attack of absolute terror and agony that tore through him. He had to get through this…had to keep his mission at the forefront of his mind. Some things were more important than the matter of life or death, he tried to remind himself.

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It had been a…very interesting night for Harry Potter, to say the least. His goodbye to the Dursleys was awkward, yet more pleasant than anticipated. Hermione, Sirius, Fred, George, Mundungus Fletcher, and Angelina Johnson posed as Harry using Polyjuice potion and were paired up with other members of the Order: Mad Eye, Lupin, Tonks, Shackelbolt, Mr. Weasley, and Bill. Harry had been put into a sidecar on Sirius's old motorbike and almost as soon as they left Number Four Privet Drive, they were surrounded by Death Eaters. Harry would have liked to look for Severus, but was too busy warding off the constant stream of curses and hexes shot his way to pay much attention. Sadly, going easy on Stan Shunpike caused the Death Eaters to recognize him and Voldemort had come after him and…

He and Hagrid ended up crashed landed in front of their destination, the Tonks household. Andromeda and Ted Tonks ushered them in and led them to the Portkey where Harry stood, clutching Hedwig's cage anxiously. He had nearly lost her. For a moment he had thought a Killing Curse had actually hit her, but she was alive…Shortly after her cage had nearly fallen and he had just barely caught her. He was reluctant to let anyone take her away right now…

Had he lost anyone he cared about? He knew Hedwig was okay…Hagrid was okay…But who else? Harry had seen glimpses of the others, but it had been too dark and too much had been going on…too much movement, too many spells, too many attacks on himself to pay much attention. Had anyone died? Was anyone critically injured? Who else had died because of him? What of Draco and Severus? Had they been present? Were they alive and well? They were, perhaps, the two Harry was most worried about…traitors still living right under the nose of Voldemort…the two it would be harder to get any information on…

A jerk in his navel brought Harry back to the present, only catching a glimpse at Mr. and Mrs. Tonks before he and Hagrid were pulled away, spinning into nothingness, fingers glued to the portkey. Seconds later his feet slammed hard into the ground in front of the Burrow and he fell to his hands and knees, greeted almost immediately by screams. Hagrid and Harry struggled to their feet and Harry swayed slightly and watched as Mrs. Weasley and Ginny ran out of the back door to them.

"Harry? You are the real Harry? What happened? Where are the others?" cried Mrs. Weasley.

"What d'you mean? Isn't anyone else back?" Harry panted. By the look on Mrs. Weasley's face, Harry figured not. His stomach dropped at the thought and he swallowed hard before explaining what had happened…how the Death Eaters had known they were there and had shown up almost as soon as they had taken off. He felt badly he couldn't give her more information…He honestly had no idea what had happened to the others, only knowing that a lot of spells had been cast and that he and Hagrid and Hedwig were lucky to have made it out alive, especially with Voldemort tailing them right at the end.

"Oh thank goodness you're alright!" Mrs. Weasley said, pulling him into a tight hug. It only proceeded to make him feel guilty…He was the reason her entire family was in danger in the first place! "You're a son to me, you know that, Harry?" she whispered, kissing the top of his head. "No matter what, know you always have a family in us Harry…We love you so much…Oh I'm just so happy you made it safely…"

"I…Th…I know, Mrs. Weasley," Harry said uncertainly, deeply touched by her words, and at the same time feeling that guilt drive into him deeper.

"Haven't go' any brandy, have yeh, Molly?" Hagrid asked. "For medicinal purposes?"

Mrs. Weasley hurried back into the house instead of summoning it, probably to compose herself a bit. Harry then turned to Ginny, hoping for information, and was glad he didn't even have to ask. Ginny walked closer and immediately began talking. "Sirius and Tonks should have been back first, but they missed their Portkey. It came back without them," she said, pointing ot a rusty oil can lying on the ground nearby. "And that one should have been Dad and Fred, second. You and Hagrid were third. And if they made it, George and Lupin ought to be back in about a minute."

Ginny spoke calmly as possible and seemed to be faring a bit better than her mother, but Harry could still tell she was a bit scared and shaken up. Reaching out, Harry pulled her close and gave her a comforting hug. Mrs. Weasley walked back out and offered them a strained smile before handing Hagrid the brandy. Harry took some small comfort in the few moments of silence and peace following their crazy night, all too soon disrupted by Ginny's exclamation of, "Mum! Look!" and pulling away from Harry to watch as Lupin appeared with George.

Something was wrong. Lupin was holding George steady and George was incredibly pale and the entire side of his face was red and covered in blood. Ginny gasped sharply and Mrs. Weasley seemed to choke on a half sob, half scream. Harry ran out and grabbed George's legs and helped Lupin carry him into the living room, laying him on the couch. "Merlin," Ginny gasped immediately and Harry quickly looked up to George's face, eyes growing wide. His ear was missing! Before he could ask much, Lupin was dragging him into the kitchen where Hagrid was struggling to fit his body through the door, demanding questions to see if he really was Harry. Lupin seemed anxious, almost furious, in his actions and it was enough to shock and almost scare him. Lupin announced that they had been betrayed and Harry had been forced to relay the events of the night, hating the way he was reprimanded for being too kind to Stan Shunpike…Part of him knew Lupin was right, but at the same time he didn't think that even now he could have brought himself to do anything truly damaging to Stan Shunpike if faced with him…It didn't seem right to really go to such lengths…

Through his embarrassment and feeling thoroughly idiotic by Lupin's fussing, Harry said firmly: "I won't blast people out of my way just because they're there. That's Voldemort's job."

Several seconds later the door burst open and in walked Kingsley with Hermione. Lupin and Kingsley questioned each other while Hermione flung herself into Harry's arms and Harry held her tightly, certain he was happier to see her alive and well than anyone else. He kissed the top of her head and they just clung to each other, listening to the conversation around them. Kingsley was furious as Lupin over the betrayal and Kingsley explained what he and Hermione had been through…Followed by six different Death Eaters, killing one and injuring two and managing to lose the other three. Lupin made a comment about Harry behaving "too kindly" to Stan Shunpike that made his jaw clench and a bout of annoyance to rise up in him, but Hermione gave him a little squeeze and kissed his shoulder and Harry at least made himself relax a bit. Lupin went on to explain about George's missing ear and mentioning that it was Snape's work-

"Snape? You didn't tell me that!" Harry said, heart thudding quickly in his chest. Severus had done that? Harry swallowed hard and told himself it must have been an accident…He was happier to believe the good rather than the bad and honestly he did not need to worry himself even more than he already did on whether or not he really and truly should trust Severus. Most days he did…his love for the man made it hard to truly, fully doubt him…but there were those days he couldn't help but wonder…

Severus was a good man, Harry reminded himself. He had a bad past and was even doing some questionable things these days…but it was all for the greater good. No matter his doubts…It had to be true.He's the reason your parents are dead, Harry. He killed Albus Dumbledore those voices in his head sounded off. He was with the Death Eaters now. He had cursed off George's ear! Some small voice in his mind was begging him to be realistic, but it was hard…even those doubts and those strong bits of evidence against the man, Harry couldn't do it. He couldn't hate Severus. He was angry with him, yes…and even then, Harry wasn't sure if he was angrier at Severus or at their situation.

Ten minutes later found everyone sitting crowded in the living room of the Burrow. George was no longer losing so much blood and he and Fred were joking around. Mrs. Weasley alternated between laughing and sobbing hysterically while her husband did his best to calm her. Ginny sat on the floor by the couch and laid her head against it by her brother and after many failed attempts at cheering Ginny up and the threat of a Bat Bogey Hex, George and Fred stuck with ear jokes and picking on one another. Percy stood not too far from the rest of his family with his fiancée, Penelope Clearwater, on his arm, looking disturbed by all of the joking and stricken by all he had heard had taken place.

Mad Eye was suffering a bit of shock and had sustained a really nasty cut to his stomach from Sectumsempra and had been put through the Cruciatus Curse many times, but he sat up straight in a chair, speaking roughly with the Order members and shouted threats at Mundungus Fletcher every few minutes. Sirius, Lupin, Kingsley, Tonks, Angelina, and Bill all sat around him, putting their own minds into the discussion about what could have happened, putting the suspicion on one another several times and even escalating into near arguments before Bill silently offered a reminder to his upset family and the group would settle again.

In one corner of the room, Hagrid seemed to be half asleep and still drinking his brandy.

With all of the seats in the room occupied, Harry and Hermione sat on the floor by the wall, just taking it all in. Hermione was clutching his arm, her head resting on his shoulder and he had leaned his head on top of hers.

They said nothing, though both could feel that a long discussion was inevitable. For now, though, they seemed unwilling to leave behind their loved ones, even if they were sitting off all by themselves. They needed to stick around…to see what the Order came up with…to make sure George really was okay…to make sure Mrs. Weasley calmed herself down…

He had nearly died tonight, he mused to himself. Voldemort wanted him there…and he had been so close. They were all damned lucky to be alive! There had been so many Death Eaters…so many of them. George had lost an ear and Mad Eye had been injured and Angelina was sporting a broken arm, but no one seemed to be suffering much more than anger over the betrayal and shock of all that had taken place. In the moment…fighting that way…everything had seemed so real. So natural. This was war. That feeling had come and gone many times…Being aware of how deadly the times were these days andtruly knowing it were very different things. Now, more than ever, though, he realized just how awful this situation really was. Voldemort really was back and he really was gaining more and more power. He really wanted Harry dead. And people really could get hurt. Harry hated this feeling…It was heavy…a burden deep on his soul that he couldn't quite rid himself of.

He felt responsible…for everything. Every person Voldemort tortured or killed…It was all his fault. He was the one Voldemort wanted…He was the one who was responsible…the one who had to kill him…and he hadn't even done it yet. Wouldn't even start for another week or so…He at least had to wait until after his birthday so that the Trace was taken off of him and he wouldn't have to worry much about the Ministry of Magic being on his case. And Hermione had talked him into staying for Percy and Penelope's wedding which was the very next day.

Harry couldn't do anything right now and he hated that more than anything. He wanted to find those Horcruxes now and be done with it before anything else could happen. Before anyone suffered more damaging injuries…before anyone he loved died. Anyone else he loved, that was.

"You're a son to me, you know that, Harry?" Mrs.. Weasley had said. "No matter what, know you always have a family in us Harry."

This was his family. And he had to protect them.

He felt so useless! Not even seventeen yet…he couldn't do anything. And every day he sat around waiting to turn seventeen was another day Voldemort had to gain more power and do more damage to this world he loved so much…

From her place by the couch, Ginny turned and slowly crawled across the floor over to them and curled up on the other side of Harry. "If I hear one more joke, I swear to Merlin," Ginny muttered, burying her face into his neck and clung to his arm in the same manner Hermione was. He could feel her breath hot on his neck, slow and deliberate, calming herself down and he frowned when he felt her hot tears on his skin.

She was his family. This was his family, blood or not. And Ron was dead. And Bill was suffering the affects of Greyback's bite. And George was missing an ear. What else had to happen to this wonderful family because of him? His jaw tightened and trembled slightly. This wouldn't stop until this war ended once and for all and it made Harry so angry…So furious that he was stuck here, completely useless, for another few days. He was going to go mad! He and Hermione were going to have to start planning their hunt soon…Harry could not sit around and not even figure out what he was going to do.

"Harry?" Ginny said quietly after a few minutes of silence between the three.

"Mhm?"

"Don't do anything stupid, okay?"

Harry just laughed.

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Lost and Damned