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The Very Secret LiveJournals	By : Arrmaitee Category: Harry Potter > Slash - Male/Male Views: 4546 -:- Recommendations : 0 -:- Currently Reading : 0
Disclaimer: I do not own Harry Potter, nor any of the characters from the books or movies. I do not make any money from the writing of this story.

Chapter List
- 6
- 7
- 8
My Very Secret LiveJournal

by

Harry Potter

October 31, 1981

POST: Yay, I�m fifteen months old and it�s Halloween!
Mommy, Daddy and Uncle Voldie decided to play dress up.
Daddy dressed as a corpse.
Mommy dressed as a corpse.
Uncle Voldie dressed as a mean wizard who wouldn�t give me any candy.
Wait a minute � I don�t have an Uncle Voldie�

Current Mood: Confused

Comment: Shut up kid and loo the the shiny green light.
- Uncle Voldie

Reply: Ooh, is this a game? I like games� Tee hee�
I�ll just watch that jet of green light explode from your big wand and�
OWWWWWWWWWW! WAAAAAAAAAAAAAH!
That hurt� you sick fuck!
- Baby Harry

Comment: I�m melting� MEEEEEEEELTING!!!!
Damn you, Potter! I�ll be back!!!
It may take me ten years, but I�ll be back!
- Uncle Voldie

Reply: Yay, the creepy old guy melted!
Mommy, Daddy, you can get up now�
Mommy? Daddy?
- Baby Harry

------------------

POST: A strangely attractive mountain man broke into our home.
He said he was my Uncle Hagrid.
Oh, no buster� I�ve heard that one before.
Hey! Put me down, you twisted baby-snatcher! Help!
SOMEBODY SOUND THE AMBER ALERT!

Current Mood: Screaming

Comment: [several hours later, in Surrey]
Hagrid. At last� No problems, were there?
- Albus

Comment: No, sir. I got �im out all right.
He fell asleep as we was flyin� over Bristol.
- Hagrid

Reply: What? I didn�t fall asleep!
You were smothering me with your coat!
- Baby Harry

Comment: Take him out of your coat, Hagrid.
I�m sure he could use some oxygen.
- Albus [unwrapping Baby Harry]

Comment: THOSE EYES!!!
- Albuinerinerva, Hagrid

Reply: Oh my god, you people are sick!
I�M FIFTEEN MONTHS OLD!!!!
- Baby Harry

Comment: He�s right, you know.
Just set him down on the porch over there.
- Minerva

Reply: Yeah, just set me down�
Wait a minute? What the fuck d�you think you�re doing?
Who do I look like � Moses?!
- Baby Harry

------------------------------------------

1991-1992

POST 1: Wow! It�s been almost ten years since I last posted in my LiveJournal.
Remarkably, I�orgoorgotten everything that happened, and my Aunt and Uncle
have convinced me that my good-for-nothing parents died in a car accident.
Oh yeah, and I live in a cupboard under the stairs and my life really sucks.
But on the bright side, this morning I discovered I have a penis.
I guess things are looking up!

Current Mood: Upbeat

Comment: What are you doing in that cupboard, boy?
- Uncle Vernon

Reply: [moan] Oh nothing�
- Harry

------------------

POST 2: Went to zoo for Dudders� eleventh birthday.
Visited the reptile house.
Latedated snake.
Did not find snake strangely attractive�
Really� I didn�t�

Current Mood: Lying

Comments: None [Harry doesn�t have any friends, remember�]

Reply: How did I get my own Very Secret LiveJournal, anyway?
I don�t own a computer�
And the LiveJal tal technology hasn�t even been developed yet�
Must be magic�
- Harry

Comment: THERE�S NO SUCH THING AS MAGIC!
- Uncle Vernon

Reply: Oh, yeah� I forgot�
- Harry

------------------

POST 3: Went to get the mail.
I got a letter� A letter? For me?
But I have no friends or relatives�
And look, the writer knows I live in a cupboard!
[gasp] It must be the Bureau for Child Welfare!
They�ve finally read my handwritten plea!

Current Mood: Elated

Comment: Gimme that letter, boy!
- Uncle Vernon

Reply: NO! IT�S MINE!
- Harry

Comment: [ripping letter out of Harry�s hand and reading it]
Oh crap!
- Uncle Vernon

------------------

POST 4: Received more letters from the Bureau.
Mean Uncle Vernon took them all away�
He�s covering his tracks by moving me to Dudley�s Second Bedroom.
But I�m already preparing for my testimony against him.
That bastard�s gonna rot in jail for this!
Why are there owls defecating on my windowsill?

Current Mood: Inquisitive

Comment: Look kid, we flooded your chimney with letters,
and you couldn�t even catch ONE!
Haven�t you ever taken a fucking physical education course?
- Disgruntled Owl

Reply: I think the nice owl likes me�
- Harry

Comment: [starts beating head against glass]
- Disgruntled Owl

------------------

POST 5: Uncle Vernon decided that we needed to flee from the law.
The Bureau must be hot on our trail.
First we went to a hotel, but the Bureau tracked us there.
Now we�re in a miserable little shack on a large rock out in the sea.
This is gonna be great for my testimony.
I can tell them all about my escape attempts.
Hmm� d�you think Aunt Petunia will notice if I start playing with my penis?
I need to give myself a birthday present!

Current Mood: solid

Comment: [knocking the door down]
Sorry �bout that�
- Hagrid

Reply: Oh my god, it�s the Bureau! You found me!
[pointing at Uncle Vernon]
Take him away!
- Harry

Comment: Umm� I�m not wit� the Bureau, Harry.
I�ve come ter take yeh to Hogwarts.
- Hagrid [handing Harry his letter]

Reply: What? You interrupted my masturbation for this?
- Harry

Comment: But I brough� yeh a birthday cake�
- Hagrid

Reply: A cake? For me? Is it a large sticky chocolate cake
with creamy vanilla frosting?
- Harry

Comment: It�s all chocolate� now.
I� er� sat on it on the way here.
- Hagrid

Reply: Er... thanks... I guess...
Hey Dudley, you want some cake?
It�s chocolate!
- Harry

------------------

POST 6: Hagrid told me that my parents were famous wizards,
that they were blown up by some crackpot named You-Know-Who,
and that it�s my destiny to defeat him after I learn some
magic tricks at a snooty prep school in Scotland.
What the fuck?

Current Mood: Confused

Comment: Yer a wizard, Harry.
- Hagrid

Reply: I� can�t be a wizard.
I�m just� Harry.
- Harry

Comment: Not a wizard, eh?
Tell me, have y�ever made sumthin� happen that yeh couldn�t explain
when yeh were excited or provoked?
- Hagrid

Reply: [glancing down at his crotch]
I guess I am a wizard!
- Harry

------------------

POST 7: Hagrid took me to London to buy my supplies for Hogwarts.
Our first stop was The Leaky Cauldron� and everybody knew my name.
I�M A FUCKING CELEBRITY!!!!!! GO ME!!!!!!
Hagrid dragged me out of the pub before I could shag the strangely attractive barman�
or Professor Quirrell� or the mean looking old woman with the pink hat.
Hagrid led me out back to a brick wall.
He tapped the wall three times in its �Secret Spot.�
The wall quivered and wriggled and then, in the middle, a small hole appeared.
Hagrid stroked the hole; it opened wider and wider and wider�
Suddenly, the hole gave one giant heave and we were sucked in.

Current Mood: Moist

Comment: Welcome to Diagon Alley!
- Hagrid

Reply: Ooh� I didn�t expect my first time to feel like this!
Look at all those cauldrons and robes and herbs and animals.
My heart is� fluttering rapidly. I feel� lightheaded.
I need to [moan] grab onto that broomstick.
Yes� oh yes� I want [moan] that long hard broomstick, Hagrid! PLEASE!
YES! YES! YES! I NEED [moan] TO FLY! OHH�
- Harry

Comment: We need to get yer money, Harry.
- Hagrid

Reply: YES! YES! MONEY! [moan] MY MONEY! OHH!
[suddenly sober]
Wait a minute� I don�t have any money.
My good-for-nothing parents abandoned me penniless.
Everyone always leaves me.
- Harry

Comment: [leading Harry into Gringott�s Wizarding Bank]
There�s yer money, Harry.
- Hagrid

Reply: [grabbing a strangely attractive goblin]
Really, what can I buy with this one?
- Harry

Comment: Put me down, you fuckwit!
- The Goblin

Reply: [dropping the goblin]
Oops� sorry.
- Harry

Comment: Mr. Harry Potter would like ter make a withdrawal.
- Hagrid

Comment: Does Mr. Harry Fuckwit have his key?
- The Goblin [leading them to a cart to enter the vaults]

Reply: [climbing into the cart]
Umm� I�m afraid of roller coasters!
AHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHH!
- Harry

Comment: [arriving at Harry�s vault]
Mr. Harry Fuckwit�s key please.
- The Goblin

Comment: [handing the goblin Harry�s key]
See, I told ya yer parents� didn�t leave ya with nothin'.
- Hagrid

Reply: [looking inside his newly opened vault]
I�M RICH! I�M A RICH CELEBRITY!
[diving into the money and swimming around in it]
CAN WE MAKE A PIT STOP AT THE BROOM SHOP?
- Harry

Comment: Er� that�s not on yer list.
And first years aren�t allowed brooms, Harry.
- Hagrid

Reply: Bugger!
- Harry

------------------

POST 8: Hagrid took me to Madam Malkin�s Robes for All Occasions.
Met this strangely attractive blonde with a leather fetish.
The blonde wanted to tie me up with his kinky leather goodies.
TIE ME UP! OH YES! TIGHTER! BEAT ME!
Oh, hi, Hagrid, we�re just� um� trying on belts. Tee hee�

Current Mood: Bound

Comment: [dragging Harry out of the store]
Harry, you�re gonna buy yer new wand at Ollivander�s� NOW!
I just need ta shop for yer new owl�
- Hagrid [secretly, Hagrid also planned to go see the Minister
about assigning a fellow student to supervise Harry
to make sure he doesn�t shag everyone at Hogwarts.]

Reply: [grumble, grumble]
- Harry

Comment: [watching Harry enter the shop]
Ah yes, I thought I�d be seeing you soon, Mr. Potter.
- Ollivander

Reply: Umm� how d�you know my name?
- Harry

Comment: You have your mother�s eyes.
- Ollivander

Reply: Umm� how d�you know my mother?
- Harry

Comment: Oh, well� [cough] she and I used to be [cough] close�
[several moments of uncomfortable silence]
Try this wand, Mr. Potter.
Beachwood and Dragon�s Heartstring.
Nice inches.
Nice and supple.
Just like your Mum.
Now give it a wave!
- Ollivander

Reply: [waving the wand]
Ooh, this is fun!
[BOOM]
Let me blow up that shelf again.
[POW]
- Harry

Comment: STOP! STOP! Try this one.
Maple and phoenix feather.
Quite whippy.
Seven inches.
Just like your Dad.
Um� I mean� just try it!
- Ollivander

Reply: [waving the new wand]
Ooh, another wand!
[KABOOM]
I�m gonna be a great wizard!
[WHAM]
- Harry

Comment: STOP! PLEASE! YOU�RE TRASHING MY SHOP!
- Ollivander [snatching the wand away from Harry]

Reply: But I like playing with my wand!
- Harry

Comment: [searching for another wand]
I wonder� now� yes� try this one.
- Ollivander

Reply: [waves special wand]
Ooh, it�s glowing!
- Harry [insert cheesy Twilight Zone music]

Comment: Curious� How very curious� I wonder�. Hmm�
Let me think� Interesting� How remarkable�
- Ollivander

Reply: Will you get to the fucking point?
- Harry

Comment: I remember every wand I ever sold, Mr. Potter.
It so happens that the phoenix whose tail feather resides in your wand�
gave another� just one other.
- Ollivr

6

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The Very Secret LiveJournals