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The man behind the mask	By : Draggenxx Category: Harry Potter > Slash - Male/Male > Harry/Voldemort Views: 15406 -:- Recommendations : 0 -:- Currently Reading : 0
Disclaimer: I do not own Harry Potter, nor any of the characters from the books or movies. I do not make any money from the writing of this story.

Chapter List
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Sirius stared at the small leather bound book in his hands. He had unwrapped the package Snape had thrown at his feet to uncover�this. He knew what this was, they were rare and no longer sold in the wizarding world because of the danger that went along with them. They were not illegal, you could make them yourself but it took a very talented and able bodied wizard to manage it.

The book was old; it had been made many years ago. Its black leather cover was cracking slightly but the bold gold letters spelling out Severus Snape were as bright and untarnished as if the diary had been crafted only minutes ago. A pensive journal, Snape had given him his pensive Journal. Not just any book of collective memories but an older one, one that would most likely hold memories from his youth.

Why?

What purpose would watching Snape as a young man hold, Snape had not looked all that happy to be giving it to him so why had he. He should toss it aside, or burn it as Snape had suggested. He got the feeling that�s what Snape wanted him to do, and that picked his interest. What was it that Snape didn�t want him to see?

One pale finger was tracing the spine of the diary almost reverently and he knew he had already made his choice. He opened the first page and was engulfed in blue waving light he felt a brief sting of pain as his body left its place on Snape�s floor and fell back into the memories of the past.

The first thing he recognized was the house. He had been to Spinners End only once in his life but the image of the place would be burned in his memory forever. The difference was startling; the house was not as run down or filled with books. It was clean and elegant with an obvious woman�s touch.

The second thing he was aware of was the boy, he recognized him instantly despite the fact that he was much younger then the eleven years of age he had been when Sirius had first met him. He appeared to be no older then six and the change was startlingly different. His black hair was soft and well groomed his clothing well tailored. He wore a green shirt and shorts and looked about as normal as any other young boy. Except for the shadowed look in his eyes.

Sirius was startled by that look, it was as if at even so young an age Snape had realized that happiness was a fleeting thing. That he may be clean and relatively happy at the moment but that it would not last. Snape was holding the pensive journal in his hands, he was walking up to a woman dressed in expensive clothing with long black hair and an air of sadness around her.

She glanced down at him and gave him a sad distracted smile, �what have you made there Severus �you�re always making things�� her voice faded as she glanced out the window. Sirius frowned this had to be Snape�s mother but a sadder or more flighty looking person he had never seen. She looked as if any moment she expected a wind to come and blow her away. Snape being able to make a Pensive Journal at so young an age would cause most mothers to go into a fit of rapture. The woman just stared past him as if she didn�t even see him.

�It�s a diary, so I can remember everything. Just like you said.� Snape spoke for the first time his young eyes seeking for some sign of approval from his mother. Approval he didn�t seem to get. The woman blanched and her mouth tightened.

�That�s right, it�s important to remember. Never forget anything, not like I did. I forgot what my parents taught me about muggles. Dirty filthy creatures all of them your father the worst of them all.� She turned and glanced down at her son a chilling and oddly distant smile on her face.

�Some times Severus I hope he finds us, I hope he knows that I left him and my parents have given us this nice home. Of course we couldn�t stay with them there is you after all.� For the first time she looked her son in the eyes and there was only a sadness there. As if he was something to be pitied a burden to her weary soul. For the first time in his life Sirius felt a stirring of sympathy for a young boy so callously treated.

The woman�s eyes left her son and she continued to stare out the window. �I wish he could see us now, Me Eileen Prince! My ancient and noble blood displayed in all its glory. Sometimes I think it must have been a dream, I could not have forgotten so much that I would mix my blood with his filth. And then I wake up and I see you, and I realize it�s all true. He calls you nothing, well remember Severus that he is nothing! You have the blood of Princes he is swill at the bottom of a pigs gut! Never forget any of the lessons I teach you less you make a mistake of your life as I did.�

And then the edges of the room seemed to grow dark and the world around him blinked out, Snape must have immediately after put the memory of their conversation into the book. There was a brilliant flash of light and suddenly he was standing next to young Snape yet again. Time must have passed because Snape was wearing different cloths but not too much because they were still in the house on Spinners End, and Snape appeared no older.

Snape was huddling against a wall his body curled up to be as small as possible. Again Sirius was hit with the difference in his appearance, he was clean shaven his hair barely long enough t reach his ears nevertheless slide in front of his face. He looked otherwise healthy and clean expect for the pallor of his skin and the trembling of his body. The air seemed spiked with danger.

{I will not make the same mistakes that you did
I will not let myself cause my heart so much misery }

Sirius turned around and instantly knew why. A man stood in the door way of the house his shoulders wide blocking out the sunlight streaming through the open door. Eileen was facing the door her own body trembling but with an almost fanatical gleam in her eyes.

�So you found us did you? I knew you would, you always do!� She rasped. The man was hooked nose and resembled Snape so much that for a moment Sirius had to blink away the thought that he had charged into the room to halt Sirius seeing his memories.

�Of course I do, you belong to me Eileen and you know it. Every time you run from me you always send for me. You do seem to like our twisted little games!� The man shot back his face twisted in a sneer that Sirius recognized all to well. For the first time young Severus looked up from his fetal position to stare in shock and betrayal at his mother.

�you sent for him�you let him find us?� he squeaked. The sound of his protest brought his fathers attention to him. The man seemed to grow glacial and menacing.

�Of course the little whore did! She knows who she belongs to; it�s you who has other ideas. Look at you all fancied up like you�re worth a damn! Do you think new cloths makes you worth something boy! You think you�re worth something to her!� The man spit out his eyes lighting with a furious glow.

He pointed franticly at Eileen, �Look at your whore of a mother boy, she knows exactly what you�ll get from me and she still calls me. You�ve got my blood in you and to her that makes you worthless. You�ve got the blood of witches and demon spawn in you so to me you�re worse then nothing. I�ll stamp it out of you boy!�

[I will not break the way you did
You fell so hard]

Severus trembled but continued to stare his father in the eye. �I don�t care, I have the blood of a Prince! You don�t that�s why your always so mad!� The little boy shot back in defiance. His fathers eyes blazed with fury and Sirius cringed he stepped in front of Snape as if he could shield him. He was just a shadow, Tobias Snape blazed right past his cowering wife and right through Sirius to grab at his sons arm.

�Those bastards you call grandparents won�t let you step one foot into their precious house, your nothing! Nothing to anyone! You�re a cur, the son of a bitching whore! I�m ashamed to say you have my blood.� He Snape�s hair and forced his head around so that he was looking at his pale and shaking mother.

[I've learned the hard way, to never let it get that far ]

�Your nothing to her either, she doesn�t defend you because she�s ashamed that you have my blood. Aren�t you Eileen?�

Sirius stared in horror as the pale shaking woman glanced sorrowfully at her son, as if by being forced to admit it she was being made to suffer yet another slight.

Because of you
I never stray too far from the sidewalk
�You know its true Tobias why must you hurt the boy by bringing it into the open, even with his sullied blood he is still half Prince! He will always be above you!� She lamented a flow of tears beginning to flow down her cheeks.

Because of you
I learned to play on the safe side
So I don't get hurt

He had seen enough, rage for the treatment of such a young boy was overtaking his better sense. He knew the dangers of remaining in a Pensive Journal too long, unlike bottled pensive a pensive journal could entrap a person in its depths. So many memories and all condensed into one small area of confinement and they took on a life of their own. But he had to see�it was suddenly imperative that he see it all. He floated along as Tobias Snape took his wife and son away from the house on Spinners End. He watched and floated alongside being pulled with them as he took them to a sprawling daunting manor home in a sheltered part of England.

He tried to stop Tobias from beating his son and his wife but he was just an echo just a shadow. He flew from memory to memory is a race, if he could just help once then maybe Snape would not become the evil bastard he was today�it was like a splinter in his brain. Except the more he saw the less convinced he was that it was Snape who was evil.

Because of you
I find it hard to trust
Not only me, but everyone around me

Over time Snape seemed to stop caring for others and himself. For a weak when he was eight his father would not let him inside, not to eat and not to sleep not even to shower. �So you can look like the cur you are!� His father had spat. Snape�s Hair grew long and unkempt to the familiarly greasy pallor that Sirius remembered from his youth. He developed a twitchy jumpy walk, from always darting around corners and looking over his shoulder.

Because of you
I am afraid

He was alone, he had only his intellect and his magic. He developed it to a fine art while other little boys in the wizarding world were outside playing dreaming of happy things. Severus Snape could be found in a dark space somewhere pouring his soul into a book. His mother fed him books, the only kind thing she ever did for her son.

Most of them were about the dark arts, Sirius watched as the little boy picked up his first book on dark potions. He could almost see what the boy was thinking playing out on his face. Here was power; it was an advantage his father didn�t have. All it took was one slip over his fathers morning brew and he would be free. Sirius found he couldn�t fault the boy for feeling as he did. He also admired him; he had the brains and the power to do it.

Sirius watched him gather and brew ingredients mastering potion after potion, and memorizing spell after spell. He never once used his knowledge to hurt his father, he collected the dark magic like a security blanket. Its power and its offer of freedom fascinated him but he didn�t use it to murder. Even on one whom so deserved murder.

I lose my way
And it's not too long before you point it out

He of course wasn�t able to keep the books a secrete forever, when his father found out he was learning magic the consequence were worse then anything he had yet seen. Sirius cringed as the man bore down on Snape brandishing a wooden walking stick like a sword. �FILTHY DEMON SPAWN!� the curses and shouts swirled around him along with the cries of pain. The sound of cracking bone was like a gunshot in the air.

�YOU�RE JELLOUSE!� Eileen was shrieking, Sirius clamped his eyes shut suddenly not wanting to see anymore. Couldn�t the stupid woman see her words were only egging Tobias on? �HE�LL ALWAYS BE ABOVE YOU AND YOU CAN�T STAND IT!�

He was being drawn further and deeper into the memories he could feel the dark void of pain a violence drawing at him clutching to him. He could hear the pitiful cries of a child and the sound of snapping bones. Each time Snape would painfully brew a potion to heal himself, his mother never found the energy to do it for him. He would often brew one for her after Tobias turned on her.

Hogwarts had been an escape. When he had received that letter he had been so filled with hope that Sirius felt like weeping. He knew exactly what was going to happen at Hogwarts. He was going to meet one James Potter and his friends.

I cannot cry

�Stop it�� He pleaded at the swirling images, they clutched on tighter.

Snape was standing on the platform so young and alone, but with a newfound hope swirling in his eyes. He looked an oddity standing there, clothes worn hair greasy and unclean. The others stared at him with thinly veiled disgust.

He was sitting near the lake nose buried in a book; a tall handsome boy with black hair and glasses was approaching. A cynical and gleeful smile on his lips, he was fallowed by three other boys. Sirius recognized himself, Remus and peter at eleven easily. He also suddenly remembered his first impression of Snape was one of pity and sympathy. He knew what it felt like to be shunned and unwanted, being sorted into Gryffindor his parents and the rest of his family treated him like a leper. He was angry he was defiant, it wasn�t fair!

James the most popular and well liked boy in their year, The headmasters favorite had offered him friendship. He belonged somewhere now, he had friends. For a brief moment he had wanted to offer the boy with the faint unwashed smell and unkempt features the very same thing. He had actually hoped that James was going to offer him what he had offered Sirius.

He couldn�t have been more wrong, Snape was to be one of the ones they didn�t like.

�Well hello there, my friends and I were just wondering if you had ever heard of a shower?� James sneered down at Severus. Sirius watched his eyes darken and a flash of pain in them before it was replaced with disdain. That surprised Sirius, no one stood up to them. Among first years at least they were law; he didn�t cower like the rest. Sirius remembered the odd feeling of warmth that had given him.

Because I know that's weakness in your eyes

It showed on his young face because James had shot him a look of censure. �What do you think Sirius does the greasy gitt know what a shower is or is he as retarded as he looks?�

He had made a choice then, he chose friendship and acceptance over what was right. Sirius watched himself taunt and tease Severus along with James. Remus remained silent unwilling to aide them in their torment. Unwilling to stop them either.

I'm forced to fake, a smile, a laugh
Every day of my life

He watched his younger self leave with James, so sure of himself. So arrogant in his thinking, he had never appeared more like a little puppet then in that moment. Suddenly the smile that he had once seen as full of companionship and brotherhood on James face now seemed calculated and mocking. James pulled a string and he knew the others would jump to his tune. He, Remus and Peter were in pain they were shunned and rejected. He collected them like toys it seemed.

My heart can't possibly break
When it wasn't even whole to start with

�STOP IT. I SAID STOP� Sirius found himself shouting. He was yanked from the memories like he was still chained to the wall. He found himself back in Snape�s room panting on the floor. He trembled; it had to be a lie. His life couldn�t have been soon�meaningless so empty of real feeling. It had to be an illusion. Fingers stole into his line of vision to pick up the diary.

Because of you
I never stray too far from the sidewalk
Because of you
I learned to play on the safe side
So I don't get hurt
Because of you
I find it hard to trust
Not only me, but everyone around me
Because of you
I am afraid

�Now that you�ve seen how pathetic my life was, are you satisfied Black! I was the nothing you always taunted me with. I hope you have had yourself a nice laugh.� Severus said, his voice ice cool his eyes hiding a flash of pain. He left the room in a swirl of black robes.

Sirius lay there trembling, he had only seen many pathetic lives in Snape�s memories.

I watched you die
I heard you cry
Every night in your sleep

Echoes of pain filled cries and the curses of a man who should have loved and cherished him echod in Sirius mind. Snape had show resilience, he had shown integrity where Sirius knew hew would have shown none.
I was so young
You should have known better than to lean on me

He had shown none. He had been cruel and unkind to a person undeserving. He had been no better thin Snape�s father in his cruelty. All because he was hurting himself.

You never thought of anyone else
You just saw your pain

He had been suffering the pain of disillusionment and rejection, his parents treatment of him, his own mothers harsh and cruel words of slander had driven into him like knives. He had pretended like it didn�t matter. He had acted as if he was above it all, above them all. He had never even thought that maybe Snape suffered as well, he had done to someone else what he himself sufferd

And now I cry
In the middle of the night
For the same damn thing

Oh yes there were a lot of pathetic lives in Snape�s memories. The most pathetic of them all was his own.

Because of you
I tried my hardest just to forget everything
Because of you
I don't know how to let anyone else in
Because of you
I'm ashamed of my life because it's empty

He shook, trying to banish the emptiness that suddenly had become his past.

Because of you
I am afraid

A/N: I meant for this to be longer and I promis Harry will be in the next one. It just seemed like a good stoping point. I was listning to my Mp3 player when I was thinking on how I wanted Siriu's journey into Snapes past to go and it wraped itself into the story so well I had to include it. It's Because of you by Kelly Clarkson. Incacse you didn't know. Well tell me what you think see you soon and godbless.

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The man behind the mask