Strength in What Remains Behind

Severus

The weekend was rapidly approaching, which was a relief to me. I was ashamed to admit it, but I wanted to lock myself in my rooms and explore my own pleasure during the brief break. I loathed myself for this, but it seemed as if denying myself all those years had caused me to become quite... pent up, for lack of a better term. It was torturous, because after the heady pleasure of release, I felt angry for allowing myself any enjoyment. I did not deserve it, and yet I craved for it. I accepted it only because of how I viewed the act. If I had not felt ashamed for allowing myself to indulge, I would never have continued.

I had only to wait out two days before I could begin my "experiment". They seemed to take ages, and the combined pressure of the anticipation and the guilt were distracting. I alternated between barely speaking in class to snapping at things so slight that, had I been in a calmer state of mind, I would have simply filed away to use against the unwitting student at a more appropriate time. The fools were even more timid than usual, and laboratory accidents increased twofold.

The old man could tell I was on edge, but I deliberately avoided talking to him. This particular problem was private. I had a great deal of respect for him, but I could never talk to him about these matters. It was far too personal. I had enough trouble handling the idea of having a sexual appetite by myself; I couldn't even imagine attempting to explain it to anyone else. Especially the old man.

I did not resume my usual nightly rounds. I had better things with which to occupy my evenings. I could only hope that the activities I had planned for the weekend got it out of my system, so I could go back to my living death. It was painful to be so aware of myself as a healthy, living man. If I could have given my life for Lily, I would have. She was the only reason I still lived. I survived to watch over the one thing of her left in this world, which also happened to be the thing I hated most.

While these thoughts were suitably depressing, they did nothing to quell my libido. I was quick about it, those two evenings. I planned on taking all the time in the world during the weekend, and frankly, I was tired. Dealing with the stress and the students took its toll on me, and mainly I just wanted to have done and relax into sleep.

I awoke on Saturday as the upper years were heading out to Hogsmeade, whereupon I locked the door to my rooms. It was time to begin, and I had already risen to the occaision.