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Harry Potter and the Serving of Justice	By : MikiNDaxxi Category: Harry Potter > General > General Views: 16660 -:- Recommendations : 0 -:- Currently Reading : 0
Disclaimer: We own no part of Harry Potter or his magical world and make absolutely no money by wasting our time writing this sludge. We did not create these characters; we just abuse them ad gratis. Our humble apologies to the disclaimer police.

Chapter List
- 6
- 7
- 8
Seamus Finnegan crouched outside the door of The Room of Requirement. For some reason, Hermione had forbade anyone’s coming into the room that evening. She said something about ‘girls’ time’ and needing a break from researching how to get Sirius back. Being a healthy young man, this did nothing but inspire Seamus’ curiosity.

He pressed his ear against the door, attempting to hear what was going on inside the room. Just then, he heard what he’s been hoping for— obscene noises of pleasure. He knew it! He knew it all along! Girls’ night, indeed!

Just then Snape walked by, spying Seamus crouching there beside the door with his eyes bulging.

                “Professor Snape!” Seamus slowly turned his head, eyes still bugging to look at the passing professor. “Do you hear this?? What are they doing in there? Are they…? You know…”

Snape stooped besides Seamus, listening intently. Then, with a swift motion, he smacked the Irish boy upside the head.

                “Silly twat!” spat Snape. “Don’t you know that noise? It’s just dessert time. Get your mind out of the gutter.”

He moved to open the door.

                “No!” said Seamus. “Don’t! What if they’re…you know…starkers?”

Snape merely rolled his eyes and opened the door.

A silence fell upon the room as the girls looked up, frozen, forks poised mid-air above obscene quantities of cheese cake.

                “Hermione,” Snape declared, “I want some. Now.”

Seamus looked shocked and a bit disappointed.

                “But,” he stuttered, “I thought, you know, those noises…”

Hermione gave an exasperated sigh.

                “This is called Hermione MAKES a Porno, not Hermione is IN a Porno. Idiot,” she scoffed, accepting a slice of cheese cake from the Mad Hatter.



“Severus,” she said, “it’s girl time. Now leave.”



“But,” argued Snape, “the Mad Hatter is here.”

Everyone paused in their actions to look at the Mad Hatter who was buttering some watches.

                “Yes,” said Hermione, sipping her tea, “well it’s Johnny Depp Mad Hatter, isn’t it?”

                “Obviously,” said Professor McGonagall as she gnawed on a girthy biscuit.

                “Moron,” stated Luna Lovegood, matter-of-factly as she stared off into the nargle-infested distance.

                “By the way, Luna,” said the Fox-eared fangirl, “if Draco were straight, I totally would have shipped him with you in my fics. You both would have been head students, shared a bathroom and had tons of awkward misunderstandings.”

                “Thanks, I think…” responded Luna, uncertainly. “I was destined to be with Cedric Pattinson…but I think something happened to him…he was eaten by nargles, I think.”

                “No, Luna,” sighed Hermione, “we’ve been over this. He was raped by Fenrir, and then the werewolves finished him off, remember?”

A thought bubble of remembrance appeared over the table, and the girls looked up to watch the flashback.

Flashback

                “Say it!” demanded Fenrir as he pounded into Cedric Pattinson.



“NO! NO!” screamed Edwar…er…Cedric.



“SAY IT!” repeated Fenrir.



“Vampires don’t sparkle!” sobbed Cedric. “Why is HE safe??” he demanded, pointing at Jacob Black who was standing nearby, enjoying the show.



“Hello??” Jacob rolled his eyes and pointed to his abs.

The girls eating cheesecake below the flashback bubble nodded approvingly.

Just then, the Korean pop superstar, Bi Rain, wandered into the flashback and backhanded Jacob. Jacob looked at Rain, his eyes huge, touching his cheek where Rain’s hand had been.

                “He’s my idol,” gushed Jacob. “Just look at those abs! You could grate cheese on them!”

                “Damn straight!” declared Rain. “Although washing clothes is more commonly requested,” and with that, he wandered out of the flashback and back to Korea to do sexy things.

                “Ow…ow…ow…”

Everyone’s attention drifted over to the girl who was walking repeatedly into a wall.

                “Oh, Bella,” sighed Jacob.

                “Why’s she doing that?” asked Hermione from below the flashback bubble.

Jacob shrugged, looking down from the flashback bubble.

                “She’s clumsy. Also, the author gave her character no depth, so it’s her one defining attribute.”

Bella turned her head while still colliding repeatedly with the wall.

                “I guess my brain will never work right,” she simpered. “Ow…ow…ow…”

Just then, Fenrir threw down Cedric Pattinson.

“Edwaaaaard!” screeched Bella as she stared, frozen, at the sight of her sobbing stalker sparkling in the sunlight.

                “I’m done with this pathetic twat,” declared Fenrir as he gestured to his werewolf brethren who were waiting for their cue. “You may have him, now.”

                “SWEET!” gushed one of the werewolves with an accent which appeared to be from the American South. “Let’s do some V! It gets you soooooo high, man! I did it once back in Louisiana.”

The pack fell upon Cedric Pattinson, draining him of his blood. Then there was a terrible screech.

                “HOLY SHIT!!” shrieked one of the werewolves, “I thought we were going to get high!! I’m just SPARKLING NOW!! I’M HIDEOUS!! DON’T LOOK AT ME!”

                “Why do they always think sparkling is ugly?” pondered Hermione below the flashback bubble.

Just then an eccentrically dressed Japanese man stepped out from nowhere.

                “Helloooo, sparkly ones,” said the man. “My name is Johnny Kitagawa. I run an entertainment company in Japan, specializing in boy bands. You have just the right amount of gay sparkle. Have you ever considered a career as a Jpop idol?”

The werewolves glimmered in the sunlight as they considered this.

                “What do we have to do?” questioned one of the pack.

Johnny raised a suggestive eyebrow and handed them a contract to look over.

                “You have to ‘take it’…daily,” he said simply.

The wolf pack looked confused.

The Hermione of Memory wandered onto the scene, grabbing the contract and gave it the once over.

                “Take them,” she said with a dismissive wave of her hand and passed the contract back to the wolves.

Looking over the contract, one of the werewolves glanced up.

                “What does this ‘non-disclosure policy’ entail?” he asked.

Johnny smirked and merely ushered them away.

The movement of the sparkly werewolves had apparently caught Bella’s eye. She tore her sight away from Cedric Pattinson’s corpsified body to stare at the shiny.

                “Ooooh! Sparkly!” she said as she chased after them.

                “See?” declared the fox-eared fangirl as she glommed onto Jacob’s arm. “She doesn’t deserve you,” she purred.

Jacob looked uncomfortable.



“Aren’t you, like, 35, and, like, married with children?” he asked.



“Hush,” said the fangirl as she put a meaty finger against his lips, “no words are needed in our relationship.”



“Relationship?” blanched Jacob.

“I have bumper stickers on my SUV that say ‘Team Jacob’…I’m on your team.”

She attempted to flutter her eyelashes but only succeeded in looking like she might be having a minor stroke. She tightened her grip on Jacob’s arm. He shuddered.

Jacob was distracted from his disgust as a tiny girl of about two or three years old wandered over to tug on the fangirl’s sleeve. She was holding a mobile phone.

“Mommy! Daddy phoned and said that you forgot to take your meds this morning…”

The fox-eared fanwoman gave the toddler a glare of death.

“Tell Daddy that mommy is busy and that he had better have fixed the modem by the time I get home because I’m supposed to be leading a raid in my guild tonight! Now, go wait in the SUV…crack the windows or something…it’s not that hot.”

“Awkward…” whimpered Jacob.

End flashback

                “Oh yeah,” said Luna airily. “Now I remember what happened to Cedric. It was so long ago, I had forgotten…”

Hermione looked at her in mild irritation.

                “That was like 45 minutes ago!” she cried.

                “So long,” agreed Luna, nodding her blond head.

                “What happened to that werewolf-man-boy?” Hermione asked the fangirl.

                “He’s in my SUV with The Girl. I had to leave him there since you said this was an all-girls party,” she pouted.

Hermione tapped her finger thoughtfully against her chin.

                “Hmmm…let’s go see him. I think I need his help.”

Hermione, Snape, and the fangirl trooped down to the field on the cliff overlooking the school lake where the SUV was parked under a group of trees. Lupin and Blaise were already there, practicing their wrestling moves together.

The fangirl unlocked her car and opened the door, a wave of heat rushing out of the car to greet them. Sweatily, Jacob and the toddler tumbled out, looking parched. The fangirl ignored her daughter and swooped over to Jacob’s side, pawing at his glistening body.

Their reunion was interrupted by a loud wail. Everyone looked up to see Bella poised at the edge of the cliff, ready to toss herself over the edge.

“I know Edward will come back and save me!” cried Bella.

“Who’s Edward, again?” asked Hermione.

“She means Cedric Pattinson,” clarified Snape.

“She does this all the time,” sighed Jacob.

With an extra loud wail, Bella threw herself over the cliff. A tentacle shot out of the blackened waters of the lake, quickly dragging her under.

The group quickly looked to Jacob, as if expecting him to rush to try to save her. Jacob didn’t move.

“Sooo not making that mistake again,” he said.

The fangirl stroked him fondly but was all at once distracted by a tug at her sleeve.

“Mommy,” said a small voice, “I’m thirsty…”

“There’s a can of Red Bull in my purse,” said the fangirl dismissively.

There was that tug again. She sighed.

“What?”

“But…Mommy, Red Bull makes my teeth feel funny…like chalk…”

“Well, you can either drink the Red Bull, or stop complaining. Mommy is busy right now, Emily.”

The girl cowered and struggled with the can but eventually managed to pop the top. She chugged the contents thirstily. The effect was almost instantaneous. The girl practically hummed with energy and proceeded to spin about, making strange noises.

Hermione was visibly annoyed.

The girl was apparently running through her repertoire of irritating sounds that she could make with her mouth. The child giggled with crazed delight.

“Ooooh! I see fairies! But…they’re falling…! I better clap to make them better!”

Hermione had had enough. She crouched down to toddler level.

“Listen, small progeny of annoying Fangirl,” she said. “Everything you’ve ever heard about fairies is a lie. In fact, laughing gives them cancer, and clapping makes them die.” She smirked.

The child’s brain simply stopped trying to function and flat lined. She collapsed in a heap on the ground.

“Finally!” declared the fangirl. “Now I can fawn in peace!”

Xena Warrior Princess, glared at the writers of this fan fiction.

“Killing children?” Xena raised an eyebrow.

The writers looked up guiltily from their computer and quickly wrote the child back into existence. Only this time, they put the child in a loving home. She had been adopted by a lovely gay couple in picturesque town in the Swiss Alps.

“Xena,” one of the writers began, “how do you always get us to do what you want?”

“I have many skills,” snarled Xena.

The writers cowered.

“She’s my hero!” glowed Hermione, gesturing to the warrior woman. “I have a poster of her above my bed!”

“I’ve seen it,” said Blaise from the headlock in between Lupin’s arms. “She has matching armor. She makes me cosplay as Ares…”

The writers tilted their heads to admire their collective imagining bubble.

Hermione got everyone back on track.

“Fawn later,” she said to the fangirl.

“You!” she pointed at Jacob. “Random shirtless minion, I need you and your werewolf buddies’ help—“

“To take our shirts off at parties and get really rich?” interjected Jacob.

Hermione paused, considering.

“Yes, but later. For now, I need your help to sniff out where the veil was moved after Sirius’ “death”. This is your mission leader, Lupin!”

Lupin looked up from wrestling Blaise.

“Does this mean my shirt has to stay off too?” asked Lupin, looking at Jacob’s abs.

Snape rolled his eyes.

“Do we really need to answer that?” scoffed Hermione.

“Well, Remus,” drawled Snape, “do you have any ideas how to find the new location of the veil?”

Sheepishly, Remus reached into his trouser pocket and withdrew a pair of boxer shorts with a pattern of little motorbikes on them.

“I have a pair of Sirius’ pants…er…conveniently in my pocket. I should be able to sniff him out with these and the help of the Twilight and True Blood werewolves.” He gave a nod to Jacob. He passed them over to Hermione for inspection.

Hermione fingered the fabric of the pants. This would make things much easier.

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Harry Potter and the Serving of Justice