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Sadness of Eros	By : LoupGarou1750 Category: Harry Potter > Slash - Male/Male > Harry/Snape Views: 7628 -:- Recommendations : 0 -:- Currently Reading : 0
Disclaimer: JK Rowling and her business associates own the world of Harry Potter. I make no money from this, nor anything else. The words 'The open palm of desire wants everything' are from the Paul Simon song 'Further to Fly'. He owns those.

Chapter List
- 6
- 7
- 8
7

"When were you planning on telling me?"

Harry's hand jerked, his fingers losing their tentative grip on his tea cup which clattered to the floor, miraculously not breaking but spreading a pool of tepid brown liquid over the tiles. "Fucking hell! You startled me." He dropped to his knees to wipe up the mess. "I didn't hear you come in. How are you? How're the kids? Where are the kids?" Standing, he flung the dripping tea towel into the sink and moved to hug his wife, but she backed away from him, her expression steely.

"Don't," she snapped, backing even farther away. "Just don't. When were you going to tell me?" she repeated.

Alarm bells went off in Harry's mind. A wave of guilt was closely followed by the feeling of being trapped and a desire to run away. She knows, he thought. How? I've been careful! I've been so careful!

"Gin, I–"

"You didn't think I'd find out? Are you stupid? Did you think I wouldn't care?"

"No, of course not! I–"

"I'm your wife! We're supposed to be partners. I found out from Teddy, for fuck's sake!"

"Teddy?" Teddy? Harry felt his knees go weak. It's the job. She found out about the job, that's all!

"Because apparently you thought to tell everyone we know before you told me. Did it even occur to you how that might make me feel?"

"I didn't tell Teddy!" Relief was rapidly turning into self-righteous anger. He'd been trying to spare her. Give her a little more time with her mum, for fuck's sake. Was that so terrible?

"No. You told Ron who told Bill who told Fleur. Victoire overheard and told Teddy, who told me. And it doesn't matter who else you told! It only matters that you didn't bother to tell me!"

"Christ! Can't anyone keep their damned mouths shut?"

"That's not the damn point! I don't appreciate you keeping secrets from me! I don't appreciate being treated as if I don't matter. You've been shutting me out for months, keeping secrets, lying. What the fuck, Harry?" She had folded her arms across her chest and her mouth was a grim line of anger.

"Look, I–"

"I'm sick of it!"

"Calm down. You're–"

"I won't calm down. Don't treat me as if I were a child, as if I'm just an hysterical female! I'm damned angry and I bloody well have a reason to be. Do you have any idea how embarrassing, how humiliating it was? 'Are the two of you having troubles, dear?' my mother asked me. 'You hadn't said anything. I had no idea.' she said. 'Eet ees so zad when couplez keep zees thingz from each othayr,' was Phlegm's offering. I fucking hate it when she pats me on the shoulder! And you know what's worse? Everyone of them thinks it's my fault! I must not support you enough. I must've done something to make you think you can't trust me." Ginny suddenly seemed to collapse inwards, head bowed, shoulders slumping. She sank into a chair, hiding her face in her hands.

"Gin, I was–"

"Did I do something? Have I been so inattentive, so uncaring, so distant that you thought you couldn't talk to me? Am I so horrible that you had to take your big secret elsewhere?"

Her defeated posture was more irritating than her anger had been. "No, damn it! If you'll just shut up for a minute, I can explain!"

"Don't you dare tell me to shut up! How could you?"

"How could I? This is your response to finding out and you fucking want to know how could I? Christ! Do you ever even listen to yourself? Maybe I didn't welcome the idea of you ripping me a new arsehole! Maybe I needed a few hours to lick my wounds before you inflicted new ones! Maybe if you just supported me every once in awhile, I wouldn't feel the need to–" Harry cut himself off, as appalled by his own irrational anger as he was by what he'd been about to reveal. "Ginny, I–"

"Wouldn't feel the need to what? What is it I'm responsible for this time? When did I ever fail to give you support?" She was advancing on him, her face blotchy with anger and hurt. She looked as if she might pull her wand and hex him.

Harry felt close to tears himself. He almost wished she would hex him. He deserved it. "Honey, I–"

Ginny's eyes flashed. "Don't you fucking 'honey' me!"

"I'm trying to fucking apologise! OK?"

"Mummy?"

Harry and Ginny both turned to see Lily, pale and frightened, standing in the doorway.

"Lily, I told you not to go in there." James had come up behind his sister and was tugging on her arm, trying to pull her back. Lily jerked out of his grasp and ran across the room, wrapping her arms around her mother's waist.

Harry felt a pang of jealousy; he was usually the one Lily ran to for comfort. The anger that he'd been trying to throttle flared up again. "What did you tell them? Huh? Did you tell them what a bad husband I am, what a lousy father? You get pissed off at me and you try to turn my kids against me? Is that it?"

"Shut up!" James yelled from the doorway. "Just shut up! You're scaring Lily."

From somewhere outside himself, Harry watched as he advanced on his son, watched himself raise his hand.

"Go ahead, then! Hit me, why don't you?" James yelled, standing defiantly in place.

Horrified, Harry dropped his hand and turned away. "Take Lily out, James. I'm sorry your mother and I are fighting. I know it's scary. I'm sorry I frightened you, both of you."

"I'm not scared of you," James snarled. "Come on, Lils. I'll take you for a ride on my broom." He looked at Harry as if daring him to say no.

Ginny hugged Lily and then pushed her gently towards her brother. "Go on, Sunshine. It's OK. Truly. Your dad and I just have to work something out. I'm sorry we were yelling. Go on, now."

Squeezing her mother once again, Lily nodded. She didn't even glance at Harry as she left the room and he thought his heart might crack wide open.

Closing the door behind the kids, Ginny turned to Harry. "Proud of yourself?"

"No," was the only thing Harry could think to say.

"I'm going to go fix the kids dinner. No, don't touch me. I'm fairly sick of you at the moment."

"We need to talk about this," Harry said miserably.

"Do we? Is there a point?"

"Gin, don't."

"Not now. I can't now. I just can't. Dinner will be ready in about an hour. Personally, I'd rather you didn't join us, but it would be better for the kids if we could at least make a pretence of being a happy family."

Dinner was an exercise in slow torture. Harry tried to act cheerful, making horrible jokes and asking the kids about their week with their cousins, but the answers were all monosyllabic and Ginny refused to engage at all. Halfway through, Lily asked to be excused, saying she didn't feel very well and thought she'd better go to bed early. As she passed his chair on the way out, Harry wanted to pull her into a hug, but a bitter self-loathing stopped him. The rest of the meal was eaten in silence.

When they were done, Harry said, "You boys can watch the telly for a couple of hours, if you want. Maybe tomorrow we can do something special. Think about what you'd like."

James avoided eye contact with his father, but Harry's heart lifted a little when Al gave him a small grin and a thumbs up. When they left, Harry turned to Ginny and raised an inquiring eyebrow.

"I've got to clean up in here. You haven't washed a dish since I've been gone, you lazy bastard."

"Sit down, please. Talk to me."

"No. I don't think so. Not now. I'm still too angry and too hurt to be reasonable. Maybe later."

Dejected, scared, and more than a little angry, Harry left the kitchen. Hearing raised voices, he looked into the lounge as he passed. The boys were fighting over the remote control, and Harry was just in time to see James punch Al in the chest, bowling him off the couch and onto the floor. "James! How many times have I told you? No hitting."

"It's OK," Al said hurriedly. "We were just messing around. Honest. It didn't hurt at all. James can't punch for toffee."

"You sure?" Harry asked. "Looked like a pretty solid hit to me."

"He said he's fine, all right?" James snarled.

Harry nodded. As he left the room he heard James say, "You're such a fucking little brown-noser."

"Just shut it, James. I was saving your arse. You ought to thank me, you great fucking wanker."

There was no point in haranguing them about their language; tonight, Harry was the enemy and anything he said to anyone was likely to fall on deaf ears.

Feeling very sorry for himself, Harry went into the bedroom. He was tired and wanted nothing more than to climb into bed, close his eyes and forget about the fight and everything he'd done, but it seemed wrong to him somehow, as if he didn't have the right to it. He'd settled in a chair instead, an unread book open on his lap, and stared miserably out the window.

It was nearly midnight before Ginny came into the room. She gave him a look and then ignored him as she got changed into a long flannel nightgown. Harry almost grinned – her message was unmistakable – but knew it would be a mistake.

He had read somewhere that couples shouldn't go to bed mad. It seemed like a good idea. The idea of sharing a bed with her locked in rigid anger beside him was unbearable. Stripping down to his pants, he crawled into bed and sat up against the pillows, watching her in the mirror as she went through her nightly ritual of brushing out her hair.

"I'm sorry! OK? I'm sorry." He didn't really feel sorry and he knew by her still stiff shoulders that his attempt had fallen flat. He took a breath and tried again. "I should have told you. I should have told you before anyone. I didn't. That was wrong of me." There, that sounded better. Somehow, striking the right tone opened his heart to the reality of his actions. He had been wrong not to tell her right away and had no one but himself to blame for the ensuing fight. "I'm sorry," he said again, meaning it this time. "It wasn't at all that I don't trust you, or that I was afraid you'd be mad...OK, I was afraid you'd be mad." He laughed lightly. "But I only wanted to not spoil your holiday."

"Yeah? That worked well, didn't it?" Ginny's tone was still hard, but in the mirror he could see the corners of her eyes crinkling.

Silently blessing her generous nature, he gave her a wry grin and said, "Snape once told me that given the choice between the smart decision and the stupid one, I'd go for stupid every time."

"He may have been mean, nasty, bitter and spiteful, but he was never a fool," Ginny said, finally turning around to look at him.

"He wasn't that bad," Harry said softly. He grinned when Ginny's jaw dropped. "All right, he was that bad. He was all those things, and maybe a fool too, but he was right about me. At least that time. I think. Maybe." Harry shook his head wonderingly. "Funny how things change."

"Can you for once stop thinking about the dead and concentrate on the living? You were apologising. Finally. You should have at least owled me, Harry. Before you told your friends."

"I know. You're right. You're absolutely right. So was Snape. I'm an arrogant, unthinking ass. I am sorry. Truly."

"Not half so sorry as you'll be if you ever do that to me again."

"I won't. I swear. Never again. Ginny–" Harry paused, he hadn't really thought this through. "He's not dead."

"Oh, Harry." She sounded almost sad. Pulling back the covers she slipped into bed but didn't curl her body around his as she usually did.

Harry brushed his fingers across her neck. "Am I forgiven?"

"Barely," she said, turning to face him. "It's just...Fleur. God. Sympathy from that woman is like being pricked with a red-hot needle."

Harry laughed. "She really loves Bill, you know. And the rest of you."

"I know. And it should make her less annoying, but it doesn't. Let's go to sleep. I'm unbelievably tired."

"Can't I just tell you about Snape first?"

"Harry."

"No, really. He's alive. He is. I saw him, Gin. I know it was him. And," Harry added with a smug look, "you're the only person I've told."

Ginny touched Harry's cheek, her eyes clouded with concern. "I wonder if this is what the Muggles call post-traumatic stress, an hallucination brought about by being kicked out of the Ministry. I think you should talk to someone at St Mungo's, darling. No, don't glare at me. I'm worried about you."

"It wasn't an hallucination." Harry struggled to keep the irritation from his voice. "I saw him."

Propping herself up on one elbow, Ginny looked at him, her eyes searching his face. "You really believe this, don't you? When did you see him? Where?"

This was the sticky part. Harry hoped his face wasn't giving anything away. "I was just walking around town, right after, you know, the thing at the Ministry. Not even sure where I was, actually." He looked at Ginny and saw only rapt attention where he'd been afraid of suspicion; it was going well. "Anyway, I'd just passed this Muggle bar and I happened to glance down this alley. Idly, you know, like you do, and there was a man standing there. I was just about to pass when he turned my direction and I saw his face, and then he Disapparated. I only saw him for a second, but it was him. I know it was. I'm sure of it."

Rolling onto her back with an exasperated sigh, Ginny said, "Great. Just fucking fantastic. I can't even begin to imagine what new heights your obsession will rise to this time. Just don't sell the house to support him. If he's survived this long, he'll do just fine without your help. Now, I'm going to sleep."

"Hey, what about my make-up sex?" He ran his hand up and down her flannel-covered sleeve.

"Take it up with Snape. There's nothing on offer here." Ginny turned her back and closed her eyes.

Harry sighed and closed his own eyes, hopelessly wishing his cock hadn't twitched at the thought of taking it up with Snape.

~*~*~*~*~
- 6
- 7
- 8
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Sadness of Eros