Adult-FanFiction.org : Harry Potter

Lost and Damned	By : danniperson Category: Harry Potter > Slash - Male/Male > Harry/Snape Views: 24087 -:- Recommendations : 0 -:- Currently Reading : 0
Disclaimer: I do not own Harry Potter, the characters or the world or anything, and I make absolutely no profit from this.

Chapter List
- 6
- 7
- 8
Lost and Damned

There's No Comfort in the Truth

x-x-x-x-x-x-x-x-x-x-x-x-x-x-x-x-x-x-x-x-x-x-x

It had been a long, torturous week for Severus Snape.

There was something uncomfortable when learning a student had a crush on you…Or was attracted to you or whatever this was. Seeing Harry Potter fantasize about him in such a manner was confusing, to say the least. He had built up quite the intimidating reputation in all of his years of teaching, and the only student crush he had ever had to deal with was from one of his own Slytherins a few years ago, Amira Scodelario. She began sickeningly sweet to him her sixth year and always brought him special treats and Christmas and birthday gifts and he had been horribly tempted to take points from his own House and give the girl a detention for her lovesick behavior. It was almost insulting that she would be so infatuated with him after all he did to assure his notoriety as the nastiest, most feared teacher at Hogwarts. Now that Umbridge woman was quickly replacing him as everyone’s least favorite teacher and the second student in less than five years had some sort of feelings for him.

What was worse than seeing for yourself what sort of dreams your students were having about you, was having dreams about those particular students. Severus was hardly a pedophile. He didn‘t find children attractive in the slightest. No matter what horrible things people thought about him, he never thought anyone could think him to be some sexual predator. According to most rumors about “the greasy git“, he was the most unattractive person these students had ever seen and most were under the impression that he had never had sex before…Unless it involved rape and the first and only student to suggest such a thing had faced a very gruesome and arduous punishment with Filch for the remainder of the year. Severus encouraged most of his dark reputation, but the mere allegations of rape and child molestation bothered him to no end.

Sexual abuse was more Lucius Malfoy’s area of expertise, Severus thought darkly. The man was so ashamed of his sexuality he hid it and buried it the best he could, but the moment he slipped up he had the gall to use his own son for his perverse needs. The Malfoys had more money than anyone Severus knew…The man could surely afford a good whore whenever he needed one. Instead he turned to his own son! His flesh and blood! The heir he spoiled and loved and adored…He loved him too much these days. Severus hated his old friend for what he was doing to his own son and had been most offended when Lucius suggested he use Potter’s lust for him to his own benefits. He was disgusted with himself for just a dream…The very sort of sexual dreams Potter had been having about him, he had begun having about his student. It was wrong and immoral and what was worse, was his own arousal over such nightmares!

Sadly, it was not the last of such dreams. Just this morning he had suffered through the second dream that week. What sort of man fantasized about fifteen year old boys? Severus spent all morning trying to distract himself with grading papers and terrorizing his students more than usual. The hardest part of his day was his class of fifth year Slytherins and Gryffindors, having to face that child after those naughty images that had run through his head the night before. Every time he glanced at the boy he was reminded of that dream…The way the boy had moaned and writhed against him, touching him and tasting him…Severus swallowed hard and put his attentions on everyone, but Potter. By the end of class, Longbottom looked on the verge of screaming or tears and Weasley had turned so red, Severus wouldn‘t have been surprised if he exploded. Gryffindor lost more points in that one class than they had the entire week so far…Going a bit overboard, maybe, and he already knew Minerva was going to want a talk with him about it, but Severus didn‘t care. It was the only thing keeping his mind straight for the moment.

The rest of the day wasn’t much better, because Severus knew he would have to face the boy yet again that night for their daily lessons. Before that, though, Severus had asked Draco Malfoy to meet him before dinner. It was about time he sat down with the boy and discussed certain matters. His own confusing and shameful dreams left him feeling angrier than ever with Lucius and more determined to get Draco the help he needed.

“You wanted to see me, Professor?”

Severus glanced up from his test grading to see Draco in his doorway, shooing off the lingering Pansy Parkinson and his two minions. Draco was all charming smiles and confident grace as he strode in, sitting down in the chair before Severus‘s desk. Draco didn‘t appear severely scarred by his home situation, but nothing Lucius or Draco thought or said made it okay in any form. Severus already knew this wasn‘t going to be easy, but he was sure he could help somehow over time…He just had to start now.

“As your Head of House, it is my responsibility to…make sure things are…well,” Severus began. He had dealt with similar things many times before as Head of the Slytherin House. Abuse and neglect of all sorts. He had dealt with depression and suicide attempts and eating disorders and teen pregnancies and other issues teenagers could face. He had done this so many times, but it was never easy. Severus found it hard to be comforting or warm or the sort of person people wanted to confide in. He wasn’t a social man…He didn’t play nice so people would like him or think nicely of him. It made these conversations rather difficult, but despite his issues with getting these conversations going, Severus actually did somewhat care for his students, especially his godson. “If I see any sort of problem, it is my duty to…sort things out and…Anything we discuss, Draco, will stay between us,” Severus promised.

Worry and confusion filled the boy‘s expression for a moment. He could see it in those silvery gray eyes, the moment that concern and uncertainty slowly formed into realization. “Of course, Professor,” Draco said calmly, stiffly as he sat up straight in his chair.

“How long as your father been sexually abusing you?”

“He‘s never touched me,” Draco said, doing his best to keep his voice even. He answered too quickly, too easily, and that mild panic was too clear in his eyes. There was none of the accusation or shock that came from children who had actually never been touched. There was none of the panicked, overdone denials of someone first faced with the question. He was too prepared for this and even his eyes betrayed his unease.

“Good,” Severus said, though he didn‘t for one second let anything in his own expression or voice tell Draco he believed him. Draco swallowed hard and avoided his gaze. “If he did, it would be a very…horrible, nasty, immoral thing to do. It is something no one should ever have to go through, no matter what they‘ve done and no matter who their father is,” Severus explained carefully. “If anything does happen, feel free to speak with me about it. You would be welcome to stay at school during the holidays and at my home during summer…If anything should happen.”

“Yes, Professor. Thank you,” Draco said, looking both relieved and nauseated. “Is that all?”

“Yes. You may leave, Draco.”

Draco stood and smiled that Malfoy smile of his. “Thanks, Professor. But everything’s fine. Really,” he said, trying to sound amused by the very idea that he could be violated in such a way. He was so proud, just like his parents. Severus just nodded and watched the boy leave, sighing heavily as the door closed. He knew it wasn’t going to be easy getting Draco Malfoy help. A combination of pride and fear was going to keep him down for a while. He wouldn’t want to admit anything. He could never admit that the Malfoy family was flawed. He could never admit that his father was a perverted bastard or that he was a weak victim. Image was one of the most important things to that family and unless he thought he was in any real danger, it was going to take a lot to get him to say anything. At least acknowledging that he knew and offering his service was the first step in a long process. To Severus, it was worth it.

“I come bearing good news.”

Severus looked up in surprise to see his door now wide open and the headmaster standing there with a small smile. Severus raised his eyebrow and Dumbledore chuckled.

“You’ve been doing a splendid job with Harry,” Dumbledore said and Severus kept his face impassive, betraying none of the emotions whirling up inside of him at the mention of the boy‘s name. Anger, frustration, confusion, shame. “But to avoid suspicion and to give you a much deserved break, he will take up training with others starting tomorrow for the next few days…Perhaps the whole week! Remus has agreed to help him the next few days, and Kingsley might be able to spare time after, as well,” he said with a warm smile.

Severus ignored the small bout of disappointment that plagued him. It was a damn good thing that Potter would be out of his hair, for at least a few days. He didn’t like playing nice with Potter; he felt like he was betraying himself by befriending his old school nemesis’ son. Then there were those two dreams he had had this week that bothered him to no end. Some time away from the brat would do him some good. “Very well, Albus. A break from the brat would be most enjoyable.”

“Come now, Severus. Harry is delightful…He cannot be all that bad,” Dumbledore said kindly. “It is almost time for dinner. Care to join an old man?”

“Of course, headmaster,” Severus said, nodding and standing up from behind his desk. He wasn‘t sure what was wrong with him…Sex dreams about a fifteen year old and now some small part of him felt…strange…disappointed that after tonight, he wouldn‘t get to see the boy for another few days. He was being forced to play nice! He wasn‘t actually enjoying himself. He had never wanted to warm up to the boy in the first place! It bothered him to no end when he started feeling less hatred for the boy during summer and the moment he started to try to revert back to his old self, this happened! Severus was being forced into doing the very thing he didn‘t want. Time apart would do him some good, he thought. He could get himself collected and try to figure out just what he was doing to do about all of this. He had very little choice in the matter as it was, he was going to do his best not to make things any harder on himself than necessary.

x-x-x-x-x-x-x-x-x-x-x-x-x-x-x-x-x-x-x-x-x-x-x

Harry sank down gratefully into the familiar gray couch when Snape rearranged the living room after their lessons. They focused solely on Occlumency today, Snape said, because he would be training with others for the next week, and none of them would be able to teach him Occlumency. Harry felt a bit disappointed by the news, that he would have to train with others, but after having his head invaded for over an hour and thoroughly exhausting himself, he thought that maybe it wasn‘t the worst idea ever. He did miss Lupin and Shackelbolt was pretty cool. Since he wanted to become an Auror in the future, spending time with an actual Auror had its perks.

Snape took to sitting in his dark green chair per usual and just like always there were several moments of uncomfortable silence while the two men struggled to find a topic of conversation to start off with. They had bad-mouthed Umbridge and Trelawney a good bit, argued about Quidditch at school and then on to the World Cup, and even shared their views on how downhill the Ministry was going and a shared disdain for Rita Skeeter. Once they got going, things felt more relaxed and comfortable, almost the same way things had started to feel midway through summer. There was a bit of friendly banter and such things and just an overall feeling of ease around one another that Harry had never expected to feel around the Potions Master.

“So, Potter…Tell me about this…arrangement of yours with Miss Granger,” Snape said after a moment, clearing his throat and settling down in his chair.

“What?” Harry asked, squirming in his seat. It was more personal a question, and those were the sorts of things they hadn‘t gone towards yet. He knew a lot of his involvement with Hermione had shown up during Occlumency lessons, especially tonight. With Ron and Susan making out every chance they got and Harry‘s encounter with Lucius Malfoy, they had been together this week more than they had in a while.

“I know you are not deaf, Potter,” Snape said dryly. “Granger obviously and ridiculously has feelings for that Weasley twit. You‘ve been entertaining wild and sexual fantasies about the male gender. Yet the two of you are ‘dating‘…I was merely asking for an elaboration on matters.”

“I don‘t think that‘s any of your business,” Harry muttered, wanting to sink into the cushions of this couch and disappear entirely. The only person aside from Hermione who knew of the arrangement was Ginny. And neither of them knew of that particular detail that Snape did. Harry hated talking about his reasons for it now, because they had less to do with Voldemort‘s return and the papers making him out to be a lunatic and had become more about proving a point about things he couldn‘t even bear to let himself think about.

“It was only a question. There is no need to get so defensive over mere curiosity,” Snape said coolly. “You would do well to remember that I am your teacher, and these little chats are for the sake of the Dark Lord not sending anyone dangerous after you and the fact that the headmaster thinks we should get along. Just because I am making an attempt to be friendly does not mean you are now allowed to disrespect me…As if that ever stopped you before.”

A long, tense silence followed. Harry gritted his teeth, his heart racing. He wanted to snap and hit something and he wasn’t sure if it was just because Snape was being his usual self or because he didn’t want to face the very thing Snape wanted him to explain. Snape also seemed hardly happy with how things were going. After a few moments, Harry managed to calm himself down and he shifted in his seat, shrugging his shoulders. “Hermione just…Wants to make Ron jealous and…I just…agreed to help her out, s’all.”

“That’s all?” Snape asked and Harry was irritated, able to tell that Snape didn’t quite believe him.

“Yes, that‘s all,” Harry said, clenching his fists and speaking through gritted teeth.

“Hmm. Are you attracted to men, Potter?”

“What?!” he snapped. “Of course not! Are you?”

“Yes.”

Another pause followed, a stunned silence. Snape didn’t quite seem to believe he had actually just said that and Harry couldn’t quite believe he had just heard that. Harry hated the way his heart began to race and the way his stomach flip-flopped excitedly in response. He hated the way his mind flashed back to every memory of those fantasies, struggling to bring up the ones not involving the man before him. Was it normal, then? Harry didn’t think so. But Snape, the man who occupied most of his dreams, was. What did that mean? Harry didn’t even dare think on it.

“I don‘t know why I keep having those dreams,” Harry said quietly.

“I do not place much faith in deciphering every detail of dreams…I do not ransack books trying to figure out what the rainbow meant or what the cloudy sky meant or what the hippogriffs meant,” Snape explained. “But…Sometimes…Your subconscious mind could be trying to tell you something,” he said uncomfortably, and just as quietly and thoughtfully as Harry had spoken.

Yet another silence followed their words, but neither seemed to notice much, too lost in their own thoughts. Shaking his head, Harry pulled himself back into reality after a moment. “Trelawney was going on about dreams today. Too bad I didn’t pay more attention,” Harry admitted with a strained smile.

“Indeed. We all know how useful the information that bat gives us is,” Snape muttered sarcastically.

x-x-x-x-x-x-x-x-x-x-x-x-x-x-x-x-x-x-x-x-x-x-x

After returning to his dorms from Snape’s, Harry found it nearly impossible to find sleep. It meant he wouldn’t have to have any of those dreams, and it gave him plenty of time to do his homework, studying hard to keep his mind off of things that threatened to overwhelm him. He didn’t want to think about what Snape said. He didn’t want to think about these stupid feelings. He didn’t want to think about those dreams. He didn’t want to face it. So much for Gryffindor bravery, but there was only so much “The Boy Who Lived” could deal with. Wasn‘t he a freak enough as it was? He already got so much attention for being The Boy Who Lived and now got more negative attention than he cared for by claiming Voldemort was back and having his character attacked in every tabloid available. Having to be…No, he couldn’t even think of it.

“Oh hi. How long have you been up?”

Harry glanced up in surprise at the sound of a familiar voice. He wasn‘t sure how long he had been in the common room with his books all spread out, but it still looked to be dark outside. Hermione stood at the bottom of the stairs, stifling a yawn and carrying an armful of books.

“I never went to sleep. What time is it? Why are you up?”

“Oh, it’s just after five. Decided to wake up early to study for this Ancient Runes and Arithmancy exams,” Hermione explained, sitting on the floor by the fireplace in front of him. “It is nice to see that you’re taking just as much interest in your grades now,” Hermione said, looking honestly pleased by the thought.

Harry just smiled and shook his head. “I couldn‘t sleep…Just trying to get my mind off of things,” he explained, frowning a bit. He should have just let Hermione think he was becoming a bookworm or something. Harry shifted where he sat uncomfortably under Hermione‘s questioning gaze.

“What’s wrong, Harry?” Hermione asked quietly.

Immediately his green eyes darted up and glanced around the common room. No one else was around and it was awfully early. He didn’t expect anyone to be coming around, but he really didn’t want this conversation overheard. Harry had no idea why he was even thinking of telling Hermione any of this. He had been spending so much time trying to make himself forget about everything and refusing to let himself think about it at all, and he was starting to feel exhaustion from it. He felt the urge to just tell her…To tell her everything and have it out there in the open, even if he wasn’t really sure what it all meant yet. It was harder than he thought, trying to keep it all buried inside, denying the truth even to himself. It couldn’t hurt to confide in Hermione…He trusted her more than he trusted almost anyone.

“Snape’s…Snape’s been teaching me Occlumency and…Well, he’s seen a lot of things,” Harry admitted, glaring bitterly into the fire and tearing at a sheet of parchment, tossing each piece into the flames as he spoke, letting himself get lost in his thoughts as he spoke. “Dumbledore wants us to start getting along better, so we’ve been chatting after lessons all week and…Tonight he asked me about our arrangement. He saw everything and…He saw…Some dreams I had been having…Umm…Sex dreams…about…” Harry said, swallowing hard and cringing as he finally spoke the word, “blokes. Dreams about men, Hermione! They started during summer and…sometimes I would think about girls, but…mostly just…” Harry shook his head. “I don’t know what it means. He asked me if I was gay and…I told him no! But he just kept going on about how my dreams could be trying to tell me something, but I…I can’t be. Can I?” he asked, finally daring to look at his friend.

Hermione nodded slowly as Harry spoke, listening to everything he said. Her eyes grew wide when he mentioned the dreams, but she kept quiet until he was done. “Well…Professor Snape might have a point, Harry. You could…prefer men. Or you could always like them both…That’s entirely possible, as well. Umm…You could just be thinking more about men since you’ve been so upset over it and in denial about it, but…I mean, do you…? From the dreams?” she asked, blushing, her brown eyes wide and hoping desperately he caught her meaning.

Harry cleared his throat and glanced back at the fire. “Yeah,” he admitted, feeling his stomach lurch as he confessed it. Yes, he got aroused by the dreams. He never touched himself, though. He hadn‘t masturbated in a while, always too scared to find what he would be thinking of when he did.

“Ahhh…” Hermione said, nodding slowly. “Well, then…I think it’s fair to assume that you…might be attracted to men. But you could still be attracted to women, too,” she added, reaching over to pat his hand comfortingly. “I don’t have a problem with it either way, but…Well, the world can be a nasty place,” she said, frowning. “I don’t blame you for being so upset over it, but…Well, you can’t stay in denial about it, Harry. It just isn’t good for you. You could always walk to me about it or even Professor Snape, since he seemed so willing to discuss it. Whatever you decide to do, Harry, just know that I’ll always be here for you,” she promised.

“Thanks, ‘Mione,” Harry said with a small smile, feeling both better and worse as he looked down at his torn parchment and a now broken quill. It was nice to have been able to talk to someone and nice that Hermione seemed okay with it, he thought, as he tossed his parchment and quill into the fire. What bothered him was having her admit that it wasn‘t a very well accepted thing. He was also now more confused than ever…Hopeful that maybe he could like both, like Hermione said, and maybe that would make it better. Confused over what to do about things. Wondering if he should tell Ron. Wondering if he should talk to Snape about it.

“So…That’s why you agreed to…to do this with me?” Hermione asked, blushing as she brought up their agreement.

“Uhhh yeah…I mean, I think so,” Harry admitted, starting to feel bad all over again. He always felt bad every time he thought about their arrangement. It wasn’t fair to Hermione, especially since he had been having those dreams about different people and he wasn’t even really attracted to her. He felt like he was using her or something, even though they both made their intentions very clear and he doubted she was fantasizing about him.

“Hmm…Makes sense,” Hermione said, flipping open her Ancient Runes book. “Maybe we should stop what we were doing, maybe? I mean…I don‘t know. It feels wrong, doesn‘t it?” she asked hesitantly, though she visibly relaxed when Harry slowly nodded in agreement. “And…Well…I‘m through hoping it will change Ron‘s mind. Ginny talked with me about it all this week…Said it probably won‘t work and…Well…It‘s not fair for either of us to keep living in denial about things. I need to try to…really move on and you…well, you need to accept who you are. Or accept how things are and try to figure out what it all means,” she said with a shrug. “We could still pretend to date for now, if you want…But…Well…”

“It’s fine, Hermione,” Harry interrupted, smiling. “I think it’s a great idea, actually,” he admitted, feeling some immense relief that Hermione felt the way that he did and that they could end their strange affair. “We don’t have to pretend anymore. You should try to find someone and I wouldn’t want to get in the way of that,” he teased. “And I…Well, I guess I have a lot of things to figure out,” he said, letting out a deep breath and closing his own books. He felt a small reluctance about all of this, part of him wanting to turn back time and have said nothing and continue living on without ever having to think about this. He didn’t want to admit that he was attracted to guys. He didn’t want to face reality, because he was honestly afraid of where it might take him. He could already imagine the headlines in the papers and the jeers from the Slytherins if they ever found it out.

Harry opened his mouth, tempted to tell her about the particular person who had been dominating most of his dreams lately. He knew he probably should have told her about the whole ordeal with Lucius Malfoy just last week. Green eyes found her lost in her Ancient Runes text, studying hard for her exam. He closed his mouth, telling her he should let her study and refusing to tell himself that he wanted to avoid bringing up that particular embarrassing fact. There was no need to tell her, no need for her to worry. Lucius Malfoy had been taken care of, both Dumbledore and Snape had told him. Besides, his fascination with Snape was bound to end soon enough. Maybe with this new information he could find other blokes to have steamy fantasies about. There were better candidates for such dreams than the greasy, mean Potions professor.

x-x-x-x-x-x-x-x-x-x-x-x-x-x-x-x-x-x-x-x-x-x-x

Author’s Note: Thank you so much to everyone who took the time to review! I really appreciate it and some of them made my day! Please keep it up, I‘d really love to know how I‘m doing!

Also, I kept meaning to mention, but I kept forgetting, but I do want to mention the source of the fanfic’s title and the chapter titles.

“Lost and Damned”, the title of the story, is also the name of a song by Kamelot.

“There’s a Way From It All”, chapter one’s title, are lyrics from the song “Pendulous Fall” by Kamelot.

“Though It’s Easy To Pretend”, chapter two’s title, are lyrics from the song “Careless Whispers” by George Michael (though I’m fond of the Seether cover, myself)

“Full of Broken Thoughts”, chapter three’s title, are lyrics from the song “Hurt” by Nine Inch Nails.

“Now the Dark is Taking Over”, chapter four’s title, are lyrics from the song “I Will Not Bow” by Breaking Benjamin.

“Tell Me Only If It’s Real”, chapter five’s title, are lyrics from the song “Buried Alive” by Avenged Sevenfold.

“We Only Wake Up When We Sleep”, chapter six’s title, are lyrics from the song “Save Me” by Avenged Sevenfold.

“There‘s No Comfort in the Truth“, this chapter‘s title, are lyrics from the song “Careless Whispers“ by George Michael.
- 6
- 7
- 8
You need to be logged in to leave a review for this story.You need to be logged in to leave a review for this story.
Report Story

Lost and Damned