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The Pain Of Loss	By : Kitkatislovely95 Category: Harry Potter > Slash - Male/Male > Harry/Snape Views: 4673 -:- Recommendations : 1 -:- Currently Reading : 0
Disclaimer: I own nothing of Harry Potter fandom. I make no money from this story.

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Any mistakes are my own, and I own nothing. :(

The tension in the room was so thick you could have cut it with a knife as Harry and Severus sat awkwardly in the very room they had just fucked in. Both were nursing a tumbler of Severus’ finest whisky and even though Severus knew they had a lot to discuss, he didn’t know how to get it out. He was a Slytherin, not a bloody Gryffindor. He didn’t know how to deal with matters of the heart.

Severus raised his glass to his lips and sipped, enjoying the burn as it slid down his throat. He eyed the younger man across from him over the rim of his glass, watching his fingers tap nervously against it, how he chewed on his lip and his eyes looked anywhere but at Severus.

Expecting to have to start the conversation, Severus was startled when Harry spoke. “Why?” He said softly. Severus wasn’t sure as to what he was asking for, however.

“I’m not sure what you’re asking.” Severus responded, keeping his voice gentle so he didn’t sound like he was criticizing Harry. It wouldn’t do to make Harry angry with him.

Harry took a breath before responding in a tone that spoke of deep-seeded pain, “Why did you do it?” He paused, and exhaled in what sounded like a small sob before continuing. “Why did you make me think you cared when you didn’t? Why did you intentionally hurt me when you knew I didn’t have much left to be hurt? Why did you feel the need to break me so completely that I think I’ll never be okay again? Why are you doing this now? Why, Severus? It’s killing me trying to figure out how you could be so damn cruel.” By the time he was finished, Harry’s voice was choked with tears and he was staring at him with such a tortured expression that Severus had to look away.

Severus had always prided himself in never doing anything that he would regret. He had only two regrets in his life; losing Lily’s friendship and joining the Dark Lord. He never would have thought he would come to regret getting revenge on James Potter by hurting his son. He never thought he would fall in love with two generations of Potters.

And as he thought about it, what he felt for James was nothing compared to what he felt for Harry. Harry was nothing like his father; Severus had realized a while ago that Harry didn’t even look like his father if you spent as much time staring at him as Severus did, taking more after his mother. Harry was kind, loving, and gentle; he always tried to see the good in people. He was beautiful inside and out and Severus had never regretted anything as much as he did hurting the young man before him.

And it was time Harry knew the truth.

Severus inhaled deeply through his nose, drinking the rest of his whisky in one gulp before placing it on the table. He folded his hands across his lap, straightening his back. This would be long and painful, but he knew Harry deserved the truth.

“When I went to Hogwarts, I had no idea what to expect. Yes, I had my mother’s stories, but I didn’t know anyone magical except Lily and I knew she would be in a different house than I. So, I was sorted into Slytherin, away from my one friend. I had no idea what to do.

“My first few months were hard, being in a house with people I didn’t know, people who thought they were better than everyone else, even some from their own house. It wasn’t until just before Christmas in Potions, we were assigned a project and a partner. I was partnered with your father.”

Severus paused for a moment. He heard Harry’s intake of breath and knew that out of everything, that wasn’t the turn he had expected this story to take.

“Now, James always had the ability to charm his way into and out of anything, even at such a young age. And he hadn’t been very good in Potions, though he wasn’t nearly as bad as some of the students I’ve had. So he decided to use me to get a good grade.

“I knew what he was doing; I was a Slytherin after all. I was good at spotting deceit, especially when it was I who was being deceived. But I let it happen. I let him trick me, or so he thought, into doing most of the work. At that time I wasn’t sure why I let him. I didn’t know until a few years later.

“After the project, James and I talked every once in awhile, nothing strenuous. We partnered in Potions often, getting to know each other better, and I helped him slowly get better at brewing them. Black was especially affronted by that.

“In fourth year, though, things changed. Another project for Potions; yes, our professor enjoyed giving those. One night, while we were brewing, James kissed me unexpectedly. He had never let on he wanted me as a friend, let alone anything more. It wasn’t much; just a chaste peck on the lips. But it was in that moment that I knew why I let him use me to get a good grade from the beginning. I had been in love with him.

“From the very beginning, when I first saw him in the Great Hall, even though he hadn’t been kind, I had been intrigued by him. By the confidence, the aura that seemed to surround him, that drew people in. I was caught in that, being drawn in like a moth to a flame and I had fallen in love with him over the four years we had worked together.”

Harry’s mouth was open slightly, his eyes wide with shock, before they began to fill with anger. “Is that why-“

He was cut off by Severus raising his hand, “Please, let me finish before you say anything.” He said softly. It wouldn’t do to have Harry walk out now, without hearing everything.

Though, Severus knew what Harry was thinking. And he knew that the truth would hurt much worse.

“After that night, we would meet in the empty classrooms, unused corridors, wherever we could find a place and snog for as long as possible. We didn’t do anything more for about 3 months. He was my first… everything. I don’t think I had ever been that happy.

“It continued for almost three years. It was about a month before our three year anniversary, though never acknowledged, that I made the mistake of voicing my love out loud for the first time. We had just finished and we were lying on a pile of transfigured pillows and I said that I loved him.

“He broke my heart that night. He told me that I had just been a distraction, a way to forget that Lily kept rejecting him, something I hadn’t known. I had no idea he had ever asked Lily to be with him, and although we weren’t public with our ‘relationship’, I had stupidly thought we were monogamous. He told me I was an idiot to have fallen in love with him. He got Lily that year, the last year of school, and it broke me to see him so happy with someone other than me.

“And I vowed I would get revenge. I didn’t know how, or when, but I would. And I did.”

Harry had come to the realization that he was the revenge; that Severus had decided to do to the son what the father had done to him, but he didn’t want to believe anyone could be so cruel, so coldhearted that they could break an already broken person.

But, as he stared into Severus’ eyes, he knew it was the truth. That Severus was that cruel.

Severus spoke quickly, “Harry, what I did… I made a mistake. I know I can’t make an excuse for what I’ve done, I know an apology won’t be enough…” He trailed off as he saw that Harry didn’t seem to be listening. He swiftly slid from the chair and onto his knees in front of Harry, taking the unresponsive hands into his own.

“Harry, I know what I did was wrong, and I’ve never regretted anything more than I do hurting you. I will regret it the rest of my life, but there is nothing I can do to change the past. I can only try to make the future better. Please, love. Give me another chance. Give me the chance to show you that I can be the lover that you deserve.” Severus finished on a whisper, his hand reaching up to touch Harry’s cheek softly.

Harry’s eyes had long ago spilled the tears that were being cradled there. He didn’t know what to do. A part of him wanted to throw his arms around Severus and say that he would give him anything, despite the pain the man had caused him. That part was screaming in his heart, telling him Harry loved the man, and that Severus was sincere in his wants.

But in his head, all he could think about was the fact that Severus had seen him in pain, had seen him drowning in his own anguish and had pulled him up as if to save him, only to plunge him down again and hold him there. The betrayal was still fresh in his mind, the nothingness he had felt for so long; the need to end it all becoming more and more prominent in his head and heart both.

His heart was waging a war with his mind, the logical part telling him to get up and walk away without looking back; and his heart telling him to agree, to see where it could go, that anything was better than an abyss of pain and bleakness, right?

He looked into Severus’ eyes, seeing something there that had never been there before. Or was that just what he wanted to believe? He wasn’t sure anymore, what was real and what wasn’t.

Then he remembered the care Severus had shown him when they had made love only a few short hours ago. Was that Severus being truthful, or him trying to get what he wanted, like before? Because it was obvious to Harry now that Severus knew how to play someone to get what he wanted.

He didn’t know, and his head was starting to hurt from all the turmoil surrounding his thoughts. He needed to think more about this, when his thoughts were more lucid, instead of the fuck ball they were right now.

“I need time to think.” Harry’s voice sounded almost foreign to his ears, there was so much emotion, so much pleading to his tone. It wasn’t anything like what it was before this night.

And there was another thing to add to the ever growing list of things to think about. It seemed that Severus was the only one who could make him feel anymore, whether it be anger, passion, love, lust, pain, longing. All of his emotions revolved around this man.

Severus dropped his hands and felt a small stem of hope bloom in his heart. Harry might forgive him. He knew that if Harry gave him that second chance, if he fucked it off, he would never get another. If Harry gave him that, he would show the younger man that he wasn’t mistaken in giving Severus his forgiveness.

“Of course, love. Take as much time as you need. I’ll be here for as long as you want me to be.” Severus said softly.

Harry nodded and stood from the chair he had been seated in, his legs sore from having sat so long and his bum… from earlier activities. Harry barely withheld the blush as he thought of Severus over him, pounding him into the carpet.

He shook his head at those thoughts; that was not important at the moment. With a soft goodbye from both men, Harry went up to the Gryffindor tower and Severus to his bedroom, both with the same thought going through their minds.

I wish I knew what he was really thinking.

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xoxo,

kitkat
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The Pain Of Loss