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Controlled Emotions	By : LeviosaHex Category: Harry Potter > Slash - Male/Male > Harry/Snape Views: 23984 -:- Recommendations : 2 -:- Currently Reading : 5
Disclaimer: Disclaimer: I did not create the Harry Potter stories or universe and I do not make any money from this

Chapter List
- 6
- 7
- 8
A/N This chapter has given me a little bit of trouble so I hope you enjoy it, but before you read it I need to tell you that this will not be the last chapter even though I said it would be. I have not included the final scene in this because...well just because it didn't feel right! (and I really won't have time to write it for another few days so I thought I would give you what I have) You might want to wait until Chapter 8 is posted if you want an uninterrupted read of how the meeting with Harry and Snape ends ;-)

Warnings: Some strong language and references to male/male sexual relationship but nothing too graphic in this chapter (like I say you might want to wait until the next chapter :p) LHxx

Chapter 7 – Attraction

Day 9

1855hrs – Outside Snape's Office

It had only been 8 days since Harry had arrived outside Snape's office for the first of what had meant to be a full week of evening detentions. He remembered how angry he had felt, that first night, how much he had trembled, just as he was trembling now. But so much had changed in those 8 short days - he had changed Harry mentally corrected himself. Everything else had remained exactly the same. He was still the boy who lived, the one that was supposed to save the world, the threat of Voldemort still hung over his head and he still bore the emotional scars of a less than ideal childhood, although those were now fading, thanks to Snape.

Snape, Harry thought with a smile. Snape hadn't changed either, not if this morning's class had been anything to go by. The barbed comments and point taking had been as bad as it had always been. Snape had doled out biting sarcasm with no hint of emotion in his black eyes, and it had unnerved Harry slightly, but there had been a brief moment at the end of the class when surprise had flickered through them. It was the moment Harry had slipped his reply to the letter Snape had sent him, out his pocket, and handed it to him, along with his potions exercise book at the end of class that morning.

Harry had planned to respond to the letter the previous evening with a quick one line saying he wanted to meet, but as he sat at the dinner table, poised to write the note, he had decided to write a little more. He thought that since Snape had put some thought into his letter, he should extend him the same courtesy. He had spent most of the night trying to find the right words, and although it wasn't very long, it had taken him many attempts to get down on paper what he wanted to say, whilst not directly saying anything. Snape had made it clear in his own letter that any written communication had to be ambiguous. When he had handed the letter over, however, he immediately wanted to snatch it back, wishing he had kept it short and simple. However, it appeared that Snape hadn't been too angry at what he had written, and had even given Harry a small smirk as he entered the Defence classroom. A smirk that everyone else would have thought looked like a sneer, but Harry had seen a fleeting warmth in his eyes that changed the meaning of the smirk from sneering contempt, to a teasing smile and it had made Harry's heart flip over, and his cock twitch under his school robes.

The defence class itself, however, had been awful. A visiting Professor, who specialised in hand on hand combat, had been timetabled for that day, and everyone automatically paired with the partners they had been working with the previous week, meaning Harry was with Snape. The visiting Professor had used them in his demonstrations and got them to go through the offensive and defensive holds and throws he wanted the class to learn. This had resulted in a lot of full body contact and made Harry thank all the gods for school robes that covered the arousal he had felt for the whole class. At one point during the demonstrations, Harry had successfully managed to make Snape lose his balance, and he fell backwards onto the training mat, but Snape hadn't let go of the arm hold he had on Harry in time, and Harry fell with him. He had landed directly on top of the shocked Professor, and his erection slammed deliciously into Snape's own hard length. Harry groaned and Snape let out a strangled grunt, before freezing, as if in a joint body bind, for a second or two with the eyes locked onto each other. Hermione had let out a strangled laugh which broke the moment and resulted in them struggling awkwardly to regain their feet before they both threw Hermione almost identical scowls, which apparently only served to increase her amusement, but she managed to cover it well enough with a fit of coughing. By the end of the class, both Harry and Snape had been panting heavily and Harry knew it wasn't only a result of physical exertion. The need for release was becoming painful, and by the look on Snape's face, he felt the same. There was no doubt in Harry's mind now that he was attracted to Snape and that Snape was as attracted to him.

It was with this knowledge that he now stood, trembling just as much as he had done over a week ago outside Snape's office, but this time he trembled in nervousness rather than anger. Not a fearful nervousness, but a nervousness born out of excitement of the unknown. He had no idea what he was going to say, or indeed, what Snape was going to say, and he alternated between wanting to run back to the safety of his dorm, and wanting to run straight into Snape's arms.

1900hrs – Snape's Office.

"Professor?" Harry whispered as he entered the office. Snape had not answered his knock, and finding the door unlocked he had entered thinking that maybe there would be a note for him again. The office wasn't empty however. Snape was sitting slumped forward on his desk with his head in his hands, apparently having not heard the knock or Harry entering.

"Professor?" Harry said a little louder as he walked further into the office.

Snape sat bolt upright, and opened his eyes in surprise.

"Potter!" the startled Professor sneered. "You are obviously labouring under the false impression that you no longer need to extend me the common courtesy of respecting a closed-door or at least knocking before entering!"

Wonderful, he's in a bad mood, Harry thought. What in Merlin's name am I doing here? Harry fought the urge to tell the git to bugger off and run straight back to Gryffindor tower, but he managed to stand his ground and respond calmly. His desire to talk about what had happened between them stronger than any anger the Professor's words caused.

"I did Sir, but when you didn't answer, I thought you might be in your private quarters again."

"Well you can't have knocked very loudly," Snape snapped. "However, I did indeed mean to conduct this meeting somewhere a little more private. If you are comfortable with being in my rooms again, then that would be the most obvious place."

Snape stood motioning to the door behind him, waiting for Harry to indicate whether he was indeed comfortable taking this meeting into the older man's personal space.

Harry hesitated, diverted his eyes and shuffled his feet. His mind and body were at war, he wasn't sure it was the best idea to be alone with Snape in his private quarters again, but he was aroused and excited by the prospect nonetheless, and his stomach fluttered and his face flushed.

"We can stay here if you wish, although we would have to be more careful of what we discuss. It is not as well warded against prying eyes or ears." Snape flinched slightly as he spoke as though he was mentally berating himself for his lack vigilance over the last week.

"No, it's all right. I think it would be better if we could talk openly." Harry moved forward toward the desk, toward Snape, the tension between them palpable.

Snape nodded, turned abruptly and whispered a password. The door quietly swung open.

Once they were both standing in the bright entrance foyer, with the door to the office firmly closed and warded behind then, Snape opened a small door immediately to the right of the entrance. A robe cupboard Harry realised as Snape began unbuttoning his robes.

"You may leave your outer robe here if you wish," Snape said, looking at Harry's heavy outdoors school robe.

Harry did not respond. He was too transfixed, by pale long fingers deftly undoing button after button on the billowing robes Snape habitually wore, to form any coherent sentence, his arousal at the sight making his mind shut down.

The fingers stilled under Harry's gaze.

"I keep these rooms rather warm Mr Potter. It is not my custom to remain in teaching robes whilst at home. If, however, you would rather I kept them on, I can spell the room's cooler."

"Oh emmm sorry, no it's fine," Harry stammered as he became conscious of his staring, the heat rising to his face again. He shrugged out his own robe as if to confirm his ease with the situation. He regretted its removal as soon as he handed it over however, as his cock hardened further within the confines of his tight jeans as soon as Snape removed his own robes.

Once their robes had been hung up, Snape indicated for him to enter the sitting room. His heart rate increased at the thought of sitting so close to the man his body had been craving all day, even though his rational mind was dreading the conversation ahead.

"Would you like something to drink Potter?" Snape asked as they entered the overly warm room.

Harry was taken aback by Snape's calm, almost friendly tone. It was no big deal really to be offered a drink by someone he had almost had sex with, but it made Harry on edge somehow. The friendly gesture was so different to what he was used to from his Professor, and he wasn't sure how to respond.

"Only if you are going to have something, Sir." Harry answered uncertainly, feeling completely out his depth and socially inept.

Snape nodded and headed toward an old, beautifully carved cabinet, which looked as though it was made out of expensive black ebony wood.

"Please take a seat, Potter, unless you intend to stand for the entire evening," Snape instructed.

Harry cursed under his breath at his inability to appear mature and relaxed. Snape really must think I am a complete bumbling idiot, Harry thought derisively of himself, as he tried to relax and sat on the edge of the sofa and watched as Snape set about retrieving two silver goblets from the cabinet. Harry closed his eyes against the image in front of him when Snape bent down to open the bottom cabinet door. Well-defined thigh muscles and a toned arse were all too apparent through tight black trousers doing nothing to calm Harry's arousal.

This is crazy Harry thought as he took a deep breath and tried to think about something else, something less arousing. He was beginning to feel as though he had been hard all day and wished he'd had a wank before coming down here.

"You seem rather nervous Mr Potter," Snape drawled softly a moment later

Harry opened his eyes to see Snape standing in front of him holding out one of the silver goblets. Taking it, without looking up into the dark eyes, he answered quietly.

"Thank you," Harry nodded toward the goblet now gripped in his shaking hand. "I suppose I am rather nervous."

Harry mentally cursed the sound of his breathy broken words and cleared his throat before trying to speak again.

"As you said in your letter, this is going to be a rather difficult conversation."

"Indeed," Snape simply answered sitting down beside him. "Drink your wine and try to relax, but do not drink it too quickly. I could do without you becoming inebriated this evening."

Harry had only ever had a small glass of wine on one previous occasion during a meal at the Weasleys', and he had not particularly liked it, but he took a small sip of the deep red liquid out of politeness. He still didn't like it, he realised, although this one was quite different. It had a heavy flavour and left an unusual after taste.

They sat in silence for a few minutes, the only noise a soft tick, of what sounded like a clock, and the crackle of wood burning on the large open fire. Harry sipped his wine slowly, trying to get used to the taste. Snape sat staring at the dancing flames in the hearth. Harry was a bit surprised that Snape had given him alcohol, but he did not dwell on it overly, his mind was too busy trying to work out what he should say to start the conversation.

Snape eventually broke the silence with a sigh.

"We will begin by exploring how you feel this evening, Mr Potter," he said quietly, not looking at Harry as he spoke, instead continued to stare into the flames.

Harry frowned at the man's words. It was not what he had been expecting and was not prepared for closing his eyes again. He wanted Snape to tell him what he had been thinking and feeling, not the other way round, and his mind scrambled to respond to the statement.

"Oh emmm, can we not do that tonight? I mean...mmm...not until we clear up some other things first," he stammered.

"No. We will continue with the task the Headmaster has given us before we discuss more...personal matters," Snape stated calmly, still looking into the fire.

"Close your eyes," Snape's instructed gently.

Harry squirmed in his seat, absent-mindedly taking a larger sip of his wine and tried to form an argument against continuing the lessons tonight.

"I don't want to do this just now. It's not fair for you to expect me to be open with you without talking about what happened first - you know, about what you did."

Snape snapped his eyes away from the fire and focused on Harry.

"What I did? I was not alone in my actions Potter. I did not force myself upon you!" A spark of anger lit the black eyes as he spoke. "As for being fair, I believe I have told you numerous times, life isn't fair. If you haven't realised that by now, you are more of a dunderhead than I originally thought."

Harry felt pain at the familiar words, even though they were not delivered in the usual barbed tone, they angered him nonetheless.

"That's not what I meant. I am not accusing you of forcing me. I know it was me that pushed for more, but I need to understand why you started it, and it was you that started it. I refuse to tell you how I feel whilst you say nothing about how you feel, and certainly not whilst you continue to belittled me. Merlin! You wonder why I believe you only used sex as a tool to make me hate you; I mean really, it's not that difficult to work out is it? You haven't exactly given me any reason to believe you even like me, never mind anything else," Harry's anger increased as he spoke but was surprised that Snape let him rant like that, he usually cut him off before he could have his say.

Snape closed his eyes and sighed.

"Words, Mr Potter, that's all they are, just words. My role has made it impossible for me to outwardly display any sort of emotion other than contempt and loathing for you. Can you not understand that? My actions, however, should have told you a different story. "

Harry's anger at Snape's words dissipated somewhat by the look of sadness that now occupied the black eyes, but he still felt a little annoyed at the way the conversation had started.

"Yeah well words hurt. We are in private now, and you still make me feel like a total idiot. I have never understood your reasons for saving my life. I presumed you only did it because you had no choice; that Dumbledore had asked you to ensure my safety, you can't tell me it's been from the goodness of your heart or that you actually care about my well-being."

Harry cringed inwardly at how he sounded like a whining child, he hadn't meant it to come out the way it had, and he braced himself for more cutting remarks about his childish attitude. However, Snape remained calm.

"You are correct. The headmaster did indeed request that I protect you and ensure your safety over the years.

"So your actions mean nothing. They don't mean that you like me. I mean why would they? You have made it clear since my first day here, that you hate me, that you think I am an arrogant, stupid brat."

"My reasons for accepting Albus request to protect you are not important, not in relation to teaching you how to block The Dark Lord from your mind. That was the purpose of us spending so much time alone together after all. Not for any personal reasons. It is regrettable that we find ourselves in this...mess."

Snape's words made Harry's anger spike again.

"That's all this is to you isn't it, a mess, a situation that you would rather not be in? You wanted me to hate you, and you used..."

Snape did cut his ranting off this time, and his voice was tight and controlled.

"Of course I wanted you to hate me. The Headmaster explained the need for you to understand hate, did he not? To not only understand it, but to allow it no place in your mind?"

Harry growled. Snape's words made his doubts about the Professor's motivations flood back even stronger than before.

"Yes the headmaster explained, but for you to kiss me, touch me, take me to your bed...God... That is why you did it, wasn't it? You are just lying when you say you didn't plan it! You must have found it hilarious when I responded the way I did, I played right into your hands, didn't I? I allowed you to humiliate me in the most..." Harry's magic was starting to pool again in his chest, making him stutter slightly at the familiar sensation.

"Stop right there Potter. Control your emotions," Snape growled, closing his eyes and pinching the bridge of his nose in clear exasperation.

"Have I not already informed you that it was not my intention to use any form of intimacy to create negative emotion? I did not plan to kiss you that first night, and I certainly did not expect you to end up feeling hatred toward me when I took you to my bed. The fact that it did, is what is regrettable, even if it was my initial goal."

"So why the hell did you kiss me then? You know that very first night. Why did you do it again the following night? You fucking touched me and made me want you, you git. You seemed to know exactly how to change my anger and fear into more positive emotions! You can't tell me none of it was planned!"

"I will not discuss this. Not until we finish our task."

Harry slammed his drink down on a small side table beside the sofa and stood. His frustration and anger increased worryingly.

"No Snape, goddamn it! I know I need to block out all negative emotion, but can we just talk about us first."

Snape abruptly stood taking one large stride forward closing the distance between them. Harry flinched slightly as he felt Snape grip him roughly by the shoulders, and could feel the tension in the taller man's body and a heat radiated from the hands on his shoulders. A shiver of electricity trickled down his spine at the contact and Harry looked up into black eyes that were now only inches above him, and felt overcome by the passion and emotion that radiated from them. The look and touch broke Harry's anger instantly and replaced it with a deep desire to be in Snape arms, to feel those soft, warm lips on his, to be pulled tight against the hard muscled body in front of him, to feel the acceptance and peace he had felt previously when with the older man. Snape appeared to sense the sudden change in Harry's emotional state, and eased the tight grip on his shoulders, but did not break the intense gaze. Harry was fighting with an impulse just to leave and forget about Snape, but there was a stronger desire to stay. He desperately wanted to take one small step forward, press his body against Snape's and kiss him.

"Harry...please sit down, drink your wine, and try to relax," Snape spoke quietly his voice was a little hoarse. He picked up Harry's drink and handed it to him.

"I promise we will discuss more personal matters later, but not before we examine what you are feeling. Learning to close your mind to Voldemort must come before anything else."

Harry's took a large swig of his wine and winced slightly at the bitter taste. Now that his anger had turned to desire, it continued to build, but he managed to look away from the dark eyes, and sat down as instructed. Snape sat beside him a moment later and sighed.

"This situation is just as difficult for me. Contrary to popular belief I am human too. I made a mistake. I should not have allowed sexual desire and intimacy to become mixed up in these lessons, and I am at a loss as to how to rectify my error in judgement. I have no way of knowing how you will react if I try to explain the reasons behind my behaviour. Therefore, it would be better if we complete our task first, and the only way we can do that is if we both try to forget what has happened between us and concentrate solely on shielding your mind. Otherwise, I will have no option but to ask Albus to help me sort this out."

Harry's eyes widened at the thought of the Headmaster getting involved. "You wouldn't. I can't see the Headmaster being very happy with this." Harry swung his arm out between himself and Snape.

"No, I'm sure he would not, but I do not care what the Headmaster thinks. Shielding your mind has to be our priority," Snape said with a hint of resignation.

Harry sighed and relaxed back a little, he still didn't think he was going to be able to concentrate on shielding his mind when his body was screaming to be touched, and his mind wanted to understand Snape's recent behaviour toward him, but he accepted he would have to at least try.

"You promise we will speak about everything else later?" Harry asked quietly.

"I promise," Snape said nodding tiredly.

Harry took a large mouthful of wine before leaning his head back against the sofa and closed his eyes.

"Tell what you are feeling, Harry."

Harry had felt so many conflicting emotions since stepping in this room, and he didn't know where to start.

"I am still a bit pissed off that you won't talk about the other stuff first I suppose."

"So you are angry?" Snape asked.

"More irritated now than angry I think."

"Are you sure it is not desire? A desire for this time to be spent discussing the more personal matters?"

"Yeah I suppose it is," Harry said a bit distractedly. He could feel the wine sitting heavy in his empty stomach reminding him that he hadn't eaten today.

"Can you harness that desire and make it a positive motivator to get this lesson over with so we can have that discussion?"

"I am trying to," Harry huffed, "that's why I am sitting here with my eye closed and not just hexing you." Harry gave a small insolent smile but kept his eyes closed.

Snape snorted, and Harry almost opened his eyes. The snort had sounded suspiciously like a laugh, but Snape quickly started speaking again so he managed to keep them closed.

"You agreed with me earlier that you were a little nervous when you came in here. Why were you nervous?"

"I do not understand what happened between us. I thought we were going to discuss it. I was scared of what you were going to say, of what you were going to do."

Harry felt Snape shift slightly in his seat beside him.

"Scared or excited Harry?" Snape said seductively.

Harry snapped open his eyes. If they were not going to discuss why their relationship had changed to include sexual things, then he sure as hell wasn't going to sit there and be teased by him again.

"Please don't do that! Without you telling me what you feel you can't possibly expect me to..."

"What? Be honest with me?" Snape raised his eyebrows and gave him a wide-eyed almost innocent look.

"Merlin, you are the most infuriating man I have ever met, do you know that? I want us to sort out what happened between us. Without doing so, I can't concentrate on anything else." There was no anger in Harry's words now, in fact, he was actually starting to feel rather relaxed.

Snape stood, took a deep breath, and strode back to his position in front of the fire.

"All right, that was maybe not the best way to go about this. Let me start again. Have you thought about any other occasions when you have felt angry or frightened and tried to work out how desire and excitement could maybe fit in?"

Harry sighed, took another sip of his wine and closed his eyes again.

"Yeah. When I had to spend the day in the Infirmary, I thought a lot about what you said, you know, about finding peace, and I realised I held a lot of anger and fear about many things in my life, mainly because I felt I had no control over things that happen to me. Anyway, I think I can turn those emotions into more positive ones. It has helped me feel less of a freak actually, and I have been more at peace with my life today than I ever have."

"Give me an example of what used to make you angry or scared, then try to explain how you feel about it now."

"I was scared of graduating, of leaving Hogwarts, of the war, of people dying because I am not ready, or not powerful enough, to defeat Voldemort. I can see now though that if I let fear and anxiety rule me, I will never be ready. I can make it feel like excitement. Excitement about finally being able to live my life free from Voldemort, excitement at the prospect of everyone being free to life their life's without threat."

"Good, so you can turn your fear into excitement by visualising the positive outcome of conquering them?"

"Yes I can." Harry could, in that moment, actually feel the excitement bubbling in his gut just at the thought of being free from Voldemort. He shifted in his seat relishing the absence of fear as a fresh wave of peace invaded him.

"How about anger?"

"Well, I have always felt angry at my relatives for treating me the way they did over the years. As you know, from some of my memories you saw a couple of years ago, they always made it clear I was not welcome in their house. Anyway, I can see that my anger at them was really just a very deep rooted desire for them to accept me, to treat me at least with a little respect if not love. I suppose my desire to have a caring family is the root of a lot of my anger actually."

"Good. A desire to feel loved and accepted is a normal desire that any human strives for and it can motivate you to build positive relationships with others. As long as you do not accept love just because it is offered, that would not be necessarily a good thing in certain circumstances. You need to be at peace with yourself first. Otherwise, your desire may become desperate and needy."

Harry nodded "I thought about that too actually. I...wondered if you kissed me to prove how desperate I was for affection; you know that I would accept it from anyone."

Snape sighed, and the sadness in his eyes, returned.

"You do accept people too easily Potter, especially if they show you some care. However, that was not my reason for kissing you." Snape did not allow Harry to respond to this declaration but quickly continued with his next question. Harry tried to concentrate on the task, but the wine was doing nothing to help him stay focused as thoughts of the times they had kissed entered his mind.

"You say you have felt more at peace with who you are over today. Is there anything that still poses a problem when trying to resolve past shame or guilt?"

"No I don't think so. I don't feel so ashamed or guilty about people who have died any more. I know that there was nothing I could have done to save them. Well apart from Sirius that is. I have also come to terms with liking wizards," Harry added quickly as the desire to move onto the personal things became stronger. He had worked through most of his old hang-ups, and the only thing left deal with was how being in Snape's presence made him feel.

"Ah yes. Black's death was...unfortunate. Why do you still think that was your fault?" Snape replied smoothly, ignoring the comment about his sexual orientation.

"Isn't that obvious? I let Voldemort into my mind. I was so full of anger and hatred for him that year it made me behave and act irrationally. It was anger that made me run off to the ministry that night. I did not consider the danger that I put everyone else in."

"Your actions were a little impulsive; however, impulsiveness is sometimes necessary to get things done. We were operating in a very difficult environment at the time, with Albus gone and Umbridge running the school, and although your actions were impulsive, it was understandable under those circumstances why you chose to try to save someone you loved. I think it was love that made you impulsive, not anger or hate. However, we will come back to that later."

Harry was a little stunned by Snape's remarks. They were maybe not complimentary, but at least they were not scathing. However, he did not have time to consider what Snape had said before he started speaking again.

"With regard to you letting the Dark Lord into your mind, I believe that you would never have been able to occlude him, even if you had taken your lessons seriously and become a master Occlumens. The link between you and him goes beyond the power of Legilimency or Occlumency."

"Yeah the Headmaster said that too. Actually he said that unless I learn full Occlumency I will not be able to block your Legilimens using this controlled emotion method so why did you cast it on me last week?"

"Ah yes I wondered if you would ask me this." Snape paused slightly before continuing as if thinking about the best way to explain his actions. "That night, you were under the impression that you had mastered your emotions, and it was the only way of making you believe you had not without the need to explain that you had to hate me. You see, I knew you were hiding your true emotion that night. I knew by your body language that you were alternatively disgusted and attracted to me."

"Oh, ok mmm...so if you wanted me to hate you how on earth did we end up in bed that night, if what you say is true, and you did not intend for that to cause hate?"

"We will discuss that later, but since we are talking about that night, let us explore the emotion of disgust. Other than myself, is there anyone else that has caused you similar feelings of repulsion?"

"No I don't think so... well apart from Voldemort, but do not try to make me feel attraction to him! You see, I had already worked out that disgust and attraction are linked, without one there cannot be the other, that is why I wanted to hide my emotions from you that night, but for you information, it wasn't you I was disgusted at, not entirely. I was disgusted at myself. You know, for being attracted to men, but I am not bothered by that anymore. If anything, I am relieved. I mean, I was worried for a bit that I didn't seem to react to girls the same way as other boys my age and now it all makes sense, although I still can't...emmm."

Harry frowned. He had been about to say he was still couldn't fully accept who it was he was attracted to, but suddenly realised that he did accept it. The reasons he felt attraction to Snape seemed very clear at that moment.

"You still can't...what, Mr Potter?"

"I was about to say, that I still can't accept who it is I am attracted to, but actually, I can."

Harry closed his eyes tighter at this admission, but he felt completely at peace with his reasons for wanting to be with Snape, whatever the reaction to his admission might be.

Snape did not respond immediately, but moved slightly in his seat and cleared his throat before speaking again.

"You are correct you cannot be disgusted by something that neither attracts you nor fascinates you, but you must try not to be disgusted by the Dark Lord and his followers, but we will come back to that when we explore hate."

Harry had hoped that practically telling Snape he was attracted to him would have turned the conversation to more personal things, but he realised that he was actually no longer irritated by Snape' calm refusal to respond to anything personal or indeed having to discuss only his feelings. In fact, he was rather enjoying doing so. He felt calm and relaxed, and his thoughts were clear and untroubled. He wondered absently if it was the wine that was making him so relaxed, and he brought the goblet up to his lips and took another sip.

"You appear to be able to turn anger and fear into their polar opposites and at least have some understanding of disgust; however, we still need to analyse hate. Hatred is born out of these three emotions when they are sustained over a period of time. It is hoped that if you can control these emotions, hatred will not arise.

"Ok," Harry said slowly. "So these lessons are finished then?"

"Not quite. I would like to test how you would deal with instant hatred and analyse any current hate you may harbour."

"I thought you said that hatred was bred out of sustained anger, fear and disgust so what is instant hatred?"

"I will come to that, but I want to deal with long-term established hatred first. You have mentioned anger, fear, disgust and hatred when talking about The Dark Lord tonight. Although you seem to have managed to turn the anger and fear into desire and excitement you must also try to turn the disgust and hatred into something less destructive."

"I do not hate Voldemort anymore. I used to, very much so, but I have not felt hate for him since the incident at the ministry... when he possessed me." Harry stated calmly.

Snape did not respond for some time, and Harry opened his eyes wondering why the questioning had stopped. Snape was facing him with an openly confused but surprised look on his face. When their eyes met, Snape schooled his expression into his usual blank stare.

"What do you feel for him now?" he asked blandly.

"I feel sorry for him." Harry answered immediately.

"You...feel... sorry for him?" the surprised look returned.

"Yes, I feel sorry for him. He does not know what it is to love or be loved, and he never will."

Snape let out a harsh breath and looked away, seemingly lost in thought for a moment.

"Do you still wish the Dark Lord dead, even though you no longer hate him?" he eventually asked.

"Of course I do. When I kill him, I will end his suffering. No-one should live without friendship or love. I suppose when I think about it, he really doesn't disgust me either. I genuinely do feel sorry for him."

Snape turned, walked over to the drinks' cabinet, retrieved an old dusty bottle and poured himself another drink. Once he had taken a sip from his goblet, he turned and faced Harry again.

Ok," Harry said hesitantly "So what about this instant hate?"

"I am coming to that, but first can you tell me if there is anyone else that you have ever felt hatred toward, other than me and the Dark Lord?"

"No, not really. I mean I always told myself that I hated my family, but I didn't really. I loved them, even if they did treat me badly. That sounds crazy doesn't it, but they took me in when I had no one, it was all I knew, and it saddened me that I caused them such distress."

Harry took another drink and closed his eye again, deciding to share something with Snape that he never thought he would share with anyone.

"You know that I saw someone at St. Mungo's when Sirius died...a psychologist, yeah?" Harry felt so comfortable speaking to Snape now he really wanted to share this with him and make him understand a little better. He was the only person, other than the Headmaster, that knew about his therapy sessions.

Snape nodded for him to continue.

"Well they made me realise that I actually had a very strong attachment to my family, but my attachment to them was a negative one, you know, not healthy. She said that it was a common response for someone who is brought up in an abusive household. Even children who suffer extreme forms of abuse can love their abusers more than children who were raised in a loving family. I know that makes no sense rationally, but it explained a number of things about why I behaved the way I did, why I felt so bad about Sirius death, even though I had only known him a short time. She did say though that my first year of life protected me from some of the worst outcomes of insecure attachment disorder. That's what she called it, an attachment disorder."

Harry was aware he had just revealed something to Snape, that he hadn't even discussed with his friends, and although was a bit taken aback by his openness, it was a relief to have shared this with someone.

That was the reason Snape gave me alcohol Harry realised. He gave it to me to relax and loosen my tongue.

Harry smiled internally at the slyness of the man in front of him, but he could not feel angry about it. It really was a relief to share this with someone, even if it was with the most unlikely person he ever thought he would. Harry snapped out of his thoughts when Snape began talking again.

"Rationality sometimes has no place in one's emotions Harry, especially that of love. Do you feel you have overcome the problems associated with this "Disorder"?"

"Yeah, mostly. It will always be there I suppose but having the Weasleys' helped me realise what a loving family should be about, and Sirius helped too. I know I gave him my love too quickly, although I don't regret doing so, I realise it was inappropriate at the time. You see this attachment disorder made me..."

"I understand about attachment theory Harry. You do not need to explain why it made you seek comfort and love. I too was raised in a less than loving home. However, we have digressed from a little from our task. That discussion may or may not be appropriate some other time. The only thing you need to now learn is not to hate something or someone when you have no understanding of its purpose or motivations, to not be so demanding in your need to know what these motivations are, to find compassion in every situation or deed, even if they appear to be the most terrible."

Harry nodded. Snape's words made sense, and he felt that if he could remain at peace with himself, as he did at that moment, doing what Snape said would be relatively easy.

"Who do you feel the strongest love for at the moment in your life?"

"Emm I suppose it's not one person. I love Ron and Hermione. I love them equally but for very different reasons."

"What if I was to tell you, your friends had been less than honest with you? That they had been planted by the Dark Lord to gain your trust, that once you graduate, they will hand you over to him?"

"I...I wouldn't...believe you," Harry stammered at the awful thought.

"Why not? It is entirely possible. Wormtail was a death eater, and he was chosen by the Dark Lord to infiltrate your fathers group of friends when he was still in school."

"Ron and Hermione are no Death Eaters," Harry said quietly as a slither of worry inched into his brain. He had always wondered why his friends put up with him, and the danger he put him in every year. The relaxed sense of peace started to waver, and his body tensed.

"No, indeed they are not. Not yet. Neither was Pettigrew whilst he was at school, but he was, in fact, chosen for his task many years before he became one."

"Yeah but..."

"There are no buts Potter. What if I could show you proof that your friends were not as loyal to the light as you may think?"

"I...I...you are lying..."

"How does it make you feel Harry?"

"How does it make you feel Harry?"

Harry sat up straighter bringing his wine to his lips with a shaky hand.

"Do not drink any more wine Mr. Potter, try to focus on how it makes you feel to know that your friends are liars and traitors who plan to betray you to the Dark Lord the moment you are away from the safety of these walls"

"Like you are ripping my heart out... I would...hate them with everything I have."

"Take your hate Harry, take it, control it, change it. I will ask you again. How does the betrayal of you friendship make you feel."

"I ...I...uhhh Merlin..."

"Concentrate, control your emotions" Snape drawled in his deep commanding voice, reminiscent of previous sessions in Occlumency

"I...I would pity them and their pathetic sorry existence, I...would feel sorry for them...sorry that their life's would be for nothing... for allowing themselves to be used by all that is evil and pitiful. Fuck Snape; please tell me it's not true."

"It is... not true." Snape said slowly and quietly. "Not as far as I am aware at any rate"

"That was really cruel" Harry gasped.

"Maybe, but can you see how quickly love can turn to hate when it is wronged? Even the slightest doubt that your friends may have betrayed you caused a certain level of anguish. Part of you allowed yourself to believe my words because you are still insecure in yourself, you do not believe you are worthy of another's true friendship or love. This is why you must first and foremost love yourself, find peace with who you are, not allow the need to understand everyone's motives to rule you. However, you did well in blocking out an example of how instant hate can come about, even though I am sure you did not truly believe your friends to be traitors. The true test will come if someone you love really does betray or disappoint you. You must be careful who you give your love to, although love must be the defining emotion in all that you do. It will be a very difficult balance to achieve, especially when love can be used against you for the purposes of evil."

"Pardon, how can love ever be evil?"

"Love in itself is not evil but those who wish to destroy you could easily use the love you have for others against you. For example if the Dark Lord could be vanquished right this minute by you killing one of your friends, would you do it?"

"Of course not! I would find another way." Harry said shocked at the suggestion.

Snape raised his eyebrows.

"Really? And risk the life's of many in the process, including the one friend you choice to protect?"

Harry frowned

"You see love can result in irrational decisions when the thing you love is threatened, love can protect but it can also harm. I therefore warn you again, be careful with whom you give your love."

"Is that why you hate everyone? You know so you are never put in the position of making irrational decisions."

"I do not hate everyone Mr Potter, even if that is how it appears." Snape answered quietly.

"You hate me though, don't you?" Harry didn't think the man did, not really, not anymore at least. This lesson had gone well and he felt Snape had actually revealed a lot about himself through his questions and explanations about Harry's feelings, even if it had been in an indirect round about way.

"This lesson is not about my emotions, it is about yours. The only question remaining should be whether you still hate me?

Harry smirked "You really are infuriating. If I tell you what I feel then will you answer my question?

Snape nodded once.

"Alright, at the moment I do not feel hate toward you. I mean if you tell me that you did use my sexual attraction to you to purely teach me a lesson, then yes I think I could but you said you didn't so no, I don't hate you, I actually don't know how I feel about you."

"If I told you that I had lied and did use you sexually to garner hate, you would hate me again?"

"I just told you that I might. Did you?"

Snape just raised his eyebrows "You would allow hatred a place in your heart for me, even when you do not hate the Dark Lord?"

Harry took a sip of wine and sighed.

"No I suppose I could turn that hate into pity."

Pity? For successfully teaching you to keep the Dark Lord out your mind? Snape asked incredulously.

"Yes, I would pity you. To be able to use sex just to teach a lesson is degrading, not only to me but to yourself. It turns it into something that is disgusting, when it should be the ultimate outward display of someone's...emm...attraction...to that person." Harry shivered inwardly. He had almost used the word love in relation to sex, in relation to what had happened between them.

"Good." Snape simply said.

"You think it is good that I would pity you?" Harry asked a bit surprised.

"Yes. Of course. The Dark Lord has no place in his heart or mind for pity. If you can quickly turn hatred into compassion, pity, sorrow, call it what you will, then you have won the battle of shielding your mind."

"Ok, so I must be able to turn negative emotions into positive ones, I get that, however I am not sure the next time someone really pisses me off I will be able to do it quickly enough to keep Voldemort out. Like you say emotion is not always rational."

"I don't think normal levels of anger on its own would be enough to make your mind an uncomfortable enough place for Dark Lord to be. Your anger tends to be fleeting and of the righteous sort, you tend to forgive very quickly. It's only by allowing anger to remain for extended periods of time, giving it time to fester, to eat away at you, allowing it to grow and mix with other negative emotions that generally breeds hate and of course being betrayed or let down by someone you love. It is the later that you have to be more worried about and on your guard from."

"That's why the Headmaster insisted that it was only you that could teach me this isn't it? You know because of all the years of anger between us."

"I daresay that was one of his reasons, but the mind of Albus Dumbledore is not a place even I can ever hope to understand" Snape smirked slightly.

Harry laughed quietly at the unusual candour from Snape. He felt completely relaxed in the man's presence now, no longer like an errant schoolboy. Even though they had been discussing things that he hadn't thought they would be that evening, things that Harry found difficult, he realised he had almost enjoyed doing so but his mind now turned to finding out more about Snape.

"Can I ask you something now?"

"The answer is yes I did once hate you Harry but I have not for a long time" Snape said plainly but turned his back on him as he spoke and was now staring into the dying embers of the fire.

"Oh right yeah, actually that was not what I was going to ask but yeah its nice to know you don't hate me." Harry gave Snape a small smile. He was unsure now whether to break the mood of talking about how Snape felt, a warm glow spreading in his gut at knowing he wasn't hated by the man his body craved, his erection springing back to life at the thought they may have something together after all.

"Go on Potter, you can ask whatever it is that you think you need to know, but I make no promises that the answer will be what you want to hear"

"Ok ermmm, it isn't a question about what happened between us actually. I was going to ask you how you keep Voldemort out. I don't mean to sound rude, but love really isn't an emotion I would easily associate with you, and if he uses hate to gain access..."

Snape turned and sat beside Harry turning to face him slightly. "I never said he uses negative emotions to gain access; it only makes it a more comfortable place for him to be. In your case there seems to be a link to your mind without the need for casting Legilimency. Only through making your mind something he cannot understand do you have a hope of keeping him from seeing your thoughts and memories."

"Ok but that does not answer my question since I was under the impression the Dark Mark created a similar link to a Death Eaters mind."

"You are correct. However, if I was to fill my mind with positive emotion, I believe he would grow suspicious, but he also does not expect to find no emotion, which is what Occlumency achieves. Therefore, I use Occlumency to hide the truth, together with the controlled emotion method when I find it...challenging to hate something he would expect me to hate. In effect, I turn care, compassion and even love, into disregard, cold heartedness and hate." A sad look entered Snape's eyes as he spoke.

"God that's...that's awful!" Harry exclaimed.

"It is necessary." Snape said matter-of-factly. He stood abruptly and returned to his position in front of the fire.

"It is now past curfew Mr. Potter, and since I believe our lesson is at an end you should return to Gryffindor Tower."

Harry scowled, but he was not angry at Snape, he couldn't be, in fact, the way the man had spoken made him feel sad; his tone betrayed a resignation that was not common for the man.

"That was not the deal. You promised me we would discuss other matters once I had told you how I felt." Harry spoke quietly as he rose from his seat.

"Indeed I did. However, I believe I have given you enough to think about for one night. It is best that you leave." Snape picked up his forgotten goblet of whisky, and concentrated on swirling the amber liquid.

Harry quickly tipped the last of the remaining wine from his goblet into his mouth, and grimaced. There was a heavy sediment at the bottom, and he turned slightly, not wanting Snape to see him, and spit it back out before he placed the goblet on the table.

Once the bitter taste past, he turned and looked at Snape for a moment, thinking about how he felt about the man in front of him, and how he was going to persuade him to talk about what was happening between them.

"I need to know Sir. I need to know why you kissed me that first night, why you took me to your bed."

Harry advanced a little further toward the rigid Professor. His desire to be in the man's arms was now almost unbearable.

"Why do you feel you need to know?" Snape spoke each word slowly his eyes closed briefly, before reopening gradually, and focused on Harry rather than the goblet in his hands, which he now gripped tightly.

Harry returned the gaze, pleading with his eyes as he continued moving forward slowly.

"I need to understand you better...otherwise I will always doubt you... otherwise these lessons will not have been truly successful...otherwise I will not be able to find peace with this one last thing."

Snape let out a breath as though it was his last, and dropped his eyes back to his hands.

"Have you not understood what I told you? You must stop this incessant need to understand someone's motivations... otherwise you increase the risk of feeling hatred, and you invite unnecessary distress if you do not receive the answer you hoped for."

Harry took another hesitant step closer as Snape continued talking. The deep tone of his voice made him shiver slightly and he wondered why he had never noticed how sexy his voice was before.

"Is it not enough to know that I did not plan to kiss you, and I certainly did not plan to have you in my bed?"

Harry sighed.

"I suppose it's going to have to be enough. It doesn't change the fact that I would like to understand you better, get to know you."

Snape raised both his eyebrows. His eyes were questioning, almost disbelieving.

"You do not wish to know me Mr. Potter. Now please, you must go. It is late."

"I can make my way back without being seen. Please Professor, let me stay a little longer. I may not need to understand you, but I really do want to."

Snape snorted.

"Who would have thought it? Harry Potter asking to stay longer in the presence of his most hated Potions Mater."

"I do not hate you." Harry said quietly with feeling.

"No of course you don't. Not feeling hatred was our goal after all." Snape spoke as quietly as Harry, trying to sound dismissive.

"I have never hated you, apart from Thursday night last week that is."

"You expect me to believe that. Our mutual hatred for each other is renowned."

"I do not believe you have ever truly hated me either, in fact, you said as much earlier."

Harry had closed the remaining distance between them as they spoke and pressed his body against the rigid frame in front of him, slowly raising his arms and circling them around Snape's neck, never breaking eye contact.

"Harry, please stop. You would not be doing this if you hadn't just downed the remainder of your Draught of Peace a moment ago."

Harry smirked and raised an eyebrow.

"I think you will find that I am. I didn't drink it. I spat it out again before I returned the goblet to the table. I realised what it was when I got to the bottom, and the sediment shimmered a very distinct turquoise blue."

Snape's looked obviously startled by the admission, his mouth opening slightly as if to speak, but no words came out.

Harry stretched up and gently pressed his lips against the slightly open ones above him, then pulled back again but kept his arms around Snape's neck.

"I am not so much of a dunderhead that I can't recognise a potion that I made a few days ago."

"You really are full of yourself, aren't you Mr. Potter? I always said you were an..." there was no malice in the tone of voice in which Snape spoke, indeed his eyes burned with humour, and his body relaxed slightly, but Harry cut him off with another small kiss.

"You really know how to make a guy feel special, don't you?" Harry whispered against the warm mouth.

"I wasn't about to compliment you." Snape said quietly, his lips brushing against Harry's own as he spoke,

"Just as well I don't want you to give me any then, isn't it?"

Snape let out a choked laugh.

"Brat," he said through a small smile as he circled his arms around Harry's waist and pulled him in close.

"Git," Harry returned before closing his eyes. Their lips met in a passionate slow kiss, and their bodies melted into each other in mutual understanding and acceptance.

A/N I know really cruel... but since a couple of my reader have asked me very nicely on FB to include it I will continue from where I left off in the next chapter! Please review, pretty please LOL. It really did give me a headache to write and I need to know what you guys think!

Oh if you want to follow me on FB you can add me as a friend my username is LeviosaHex.
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