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Survivor's Guilt	By : SpeedyTomato Category: Harry Potter > Slash - Male/Male > Harry/Lucius Views: 34080 -:- Recommendations : 3 -:- Currently Reading : 4
Disclaimer: I don't own Harry Potter nor do I make any money of this dark dance of Harry Potter fanfic.

Chapter List
- 6
- 7
- 8
Chapter 7

Beta'd by the amazing Tenchi. Thanks, Tenchi, you're the best!

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Sitting in his therapists office, Lucius was rubbing his fingers over the well worn arm of his chair, brow furrowed as he talked about Harry. Like it had been since that niggling started, he wasn't all that certain just what it was that kept drawing him in that direction, something that was now setting off serious warnings signals of some kind, but he was ready to admit that he was leaning in the direction the good doctor was coming from; that it related to Narcissa's exit from the world. He didn't like that was where it seemed to be going but was, finally, willing to admit that it appeared to be the case. Now, though, came the issue of if that's what the problem was, what did they do about it. Today that's what he was ready to talk about finally. It was... touchy with him.

Though he hadn't been around for Narcissa's exit because of where he was, he still felt there had to have been something he could have done or some warning sign that he should have seen. Since then, he had wracked his brains, reread every letter she had sent and everything else he could think of but he didn't see anything that would have led him to thinking she would do such a thing. Even talking to Draco had come up with nothing on it. His son has been as blindsided as he was when it happened, swearing that nothing seemed off. That wasn't the case with Harry though. He was certain that what he was seeing were warning signs so big that most would have to be blind to miss them.

After filling Dr. Netherwood in on everything he thought was a sign there were big problems, Lucius stopped then looked at the man. “I am not you, I don't know the signs of when there may be 'issues' about something but I am finding this most troubling.”

Leaning back in his chair, Roddy thought over everything Lucius had just told him, seriously troubled. If this were a patient of his, he would be working on trying to get them into St. Mungo's for some intensive treatment or starting them on a heavy duty potions regimen while having multiple sessions a week with them to get them over the danger spot. Nodding slowly, he said, measuring his words carefully, “I do find this most troubling as well, Lucius.”

Relieved that he wasn't just seeing 'shadows' of some kind or reading something into a situation that was nothing, Lucius nodded then, tone slightly stronger, asked, “Now that we realize there is an issue, what can we do about it?”

Sighing, Roddy shook his head sadly. “Honestly, there is nothing we can do. If Mr. Potter came in for help, I could work with him but until he makes some kind of move to take that step there is nothing we can do.”

Looking incredulous, Lucius hissed, “What do you mean there is nothing we can do? You, yourself, just said it's troubling! If it's that troubling, there has to be steps that can be taken. Someone, somewhere can be contacted to get him some help before he does something drastic!”

“Lucius, you are now treading on one of the biggest dilemmas in the Wizarding World for many of us in the profession,” Roddy told him, tone weary. “There is nothing any of us can do. I know you, and many others, don't like to hear this but, in some ways, our world is far more backwards than the Muggle one in this area. Issues with ones’ mental health, in both worlds, are seen as more of a weakness than a real illness, though the Muggles have made great strides in dispelling that particular falsehood. They are, slowly, getting away from that stigma and taking steps to educate the populace that things such as depression are real illnesses, like anything else. Our world has yet to do that. As such, they don't have safeguards in place to prevent suicide or even for most to know the signs that someone may be thinking about it the way Muggles do. As such, there is nothing any of us can do until someone like Harry decides he wants help. If he were to try it, we might be able to try to talk him into getting help but our hands are tied as to what we can do about such things.”

Not believing what he was hearing, Lucius just stared at his therapist. “You mean to tell me that you lot will force people like me and my son into treatment to ensure that we won't commit the same crimes again, though we realize what a mistake we've made, but can't do anything to prevent someone from committing suicide even though the signs that it's a possibility are there? That's outrageous!” Leaning stiffly back in his chair, Lucius just glared at the man, fingers drumming an angry tattoo on the arm of the chair.

Shaking his head, Roddy told him, “It isn't right, but that's the case. For years, we've tried to get laws put into place like Muggles have, to, at the very least, force someone into treatment if they are a danger to themselves but we can't get them through. We can do it if they are a danger to others but not to themselves. If this were the Muggle world, I could have him sectioned against his will and held for an evaluation while trying to work with him. Our world doesn't have those kinds of laws, however. We don't even have the most basic laws in place that would allow me to either, myself, or have someone else, contact him to try to persuade him to get help. Every time we try to get one of these laws through, they don't get far and are voted down by a large margin. The sentiment seems to be that if someone is so 'weak' as to do something like this, our world is better off without that. That's not the case, not at all, and we try to explain this is about being in pain, not weakness, but most can't ever see it that way. That ties our hands as to just what we can do about these kinds of situations.”

Muscle in his jaw ticking angrily, Lucius glared at the man, then hissed, “What a load of rubbish! Potter isn't weak. No one anywhere in our world would consider him to be weak in any way. He's troubled and is having problems, but weakness isn't one of them!” The mere thought that someone would find Narcissa, because what she did, 'weak' appalled and outraged him. Though he hadn't been around for her exit, he knew his wife. If there was one thing Narcissa was not, it was weak!

“You're right, Lucius, about all of it. However, that's how such things are seen. Most never experience a depression or emotional pain so dark that just doing the mundane, like waking up and getting out of bed, is a struggle. To those that are in such a shape that they are pondering taking the step of ending it, the pain they are in is all but unendurable. Most of us don't see death as an option to anything, struggling through whatever it is the best we can. People can't fathom, for the most part, a pain so horrible that you can't see any other solution to end it but taking your own life. Nor do those in that kind of pain see any other way around it. It's a horrible situation that most will never truly understand.” Roddy told him with a heavy sigh and shake of his head.

Honestly? To this day he didn't understand why Narcissa took the step she did. She had always appeared normal to him when she came to visit, being the strong woman he had married. He knew, from some things mentioned, the pain of the guilt she felt over their mistakes on so many things was there. Now, he assumed it was that guilt that had driven her but he hadn't thought that there was pain involved. Something in him somewhere was panicking at the thought that Potter would be allowed to dance into his own grave by the world that owed him so much because they just couldn't understand how much he was hurting and that he needed help. No, something, somehow had to be done.

Leaning forward, resting an elbow on one of his knees, Lucius rubbed his eyes, trying to think. He would be the first to admit that he didn't understand what Potter, or even his wife, felt. He had been what one could term mildly depressed about situations he found himself in, especially some of the more hopeless ones, like what had taken place with Draco towards the end of the war, but never once did he consider ending his life to stop the pain. Even in Azkaban, he hadn't considered such a thing. He just didn't get it. He did, however, 'get' that something, somewhere needed to give or Potter may well go the way of his wife. That would be a great loss to so many.

Thinking over all that was just said, he latched onto the one thing that gave him a glimmer of hope. Tone soft, he asked, “You said the Muggles can do something to step in? How would one go about doing such a thing to get that kind of intervention?” It was a long shot, one he wasn't sure he could pull off without help, but he was willing to try. He knew that Dudley was worried about his cousin so he might be able to enlist his help but he wasn't sure about that.

“There is no way to do that, Lucius,” Roddy told him softly, tone sad. Seeing Lucius' head come up, what could only be described as a death glare shot his way, he shook his head. “From what you've said and what I know of Mr. Potter, he lives in our world. Though he has forays into the Muggle one, his residence is in our world thus the Muggles wouldn't step in. Even if you could get in contact with them then persuade them to do something, chances were they wouldn't be able to find Mr. Potter with all the protections around his house. He hides himself from both worlds too well for the Muggle one to do anything. If he spent most of his time in the Muggle part and lived there, I could help you. That's not the case though. I'm sorry.”

Feeling as though the last hope to actually do something if the worst case was coming to pass, Lucius looked up then shrugged, “What can be done then? Anything? Or do we just sit and watch Harry walk to his death?”

With a heavy sigh, Roddy looked down at the ground then said, “There isn't much, Lucius. I can give you some pointers if things look like they are growing worse. From what you've said, though, you just have an inkling. He's not talked about it nor done anything overt but the other signs are there.”

“Tell me what we need to do,” Lucius said firmly, straightening up.

“Try to get him to talk. It might help. It's doubtful he will if it is as you say it is. Even talking a little might buy some time. Keep an eye on him the best you can. I know, from what you've said, you're not close to him but his cousin is. Perhaps a talk alone with Dudley, I believe you said his name is, laying out what you think is going on might be in order. Between the two of you, maybe you can work out something to do with him. Try to draw him out of the world he's sunk into.” Stopping, he gave Lucius a hopeless look then shrugged. “They aren't much, really they aren't, but it's all I can suggest. If he does something overt that there is no mistaking for a suicide attempt, come talk to me. I might be able to persuade him to get help. Or Dudley might be able to talk him into seeing someone if they are close. Let him know that you two are there and care. However, don't count on any of them.” Eyes taking on an intensity, he then said, tone firm, “Whatever you do, don't go about pointing out just what he has going for him or to live for or arguing with him about it. Nor do you criticize him for thinking about it or lecture him. Those all just make the guilt and depression worse. It can also drive him closer to doing it if he's waffling, adding to whatever he's dealing with already.”

Staring at his therapist, Lucius said, voice soft, “That sounds... bloody hell, that sounds worthless! Someone is supposed to prevent it with just... that?”

“Sometimes, Lucius, the things that seem the smallest to you mean the most to the being in pain. It's the best I can give you to help. Best thing in the world for someone is to have someone around and know they honestly care.”

Rubbing a hand through his hair, Lucius couldn't believe what he was hearing. They could do nothing. Nothing. Absolutely nothing but sit and watch Harry destroy himself. The level of wrong that reached was something so beyond anything he could fathom that he didn't know how to react to it. Bloody hell, now what did he do? The only thing that came to mind was Dudley. He had to talk to him. He knew that Dudley was concerned about Harry and may well know more of what was going on than he did. He wasn't sure which way the young man was leaning on things or what he knew, or thought, might be going on, but a talk with him was needed, that’s all there was to it. Maybe, between the two of them, if Dudley was seeing things the way he was, they could come up with something. That was better than doing nothing.

Looking back up, Lucius, having the first stirrings of something in place at least, asked, “Do you have a pamphlet or something on what signs to look for or something like that?”

Nodding, Roddy immediately got up and went to fish for one. After handing it to Lucius, he sat back down then said, “I'm sorry I couldn’t be more help. That's the best I can do with it. However, if you need help or want some direction on what to do, I can talk about it, in general terms anyway. With Mr. Potter not being my patient and me not having spoken to him, I can only base my suggestions on generalities.” In the Muggle world, this was something that could get his license yanked but they were allowed a bit more leeway in the Wizarding one because of the variations in laws and how mental health services were something that was, really, in its infancy thus not as many regulations on it. With how they had to dance around to get some things done, stuff such as this would be considered normal. He just hoped that whatever Lucius was going to do would be enough and could intervene before the worst happened. However, he was confident that he might be doing just that. Lucius was a resourceful being. If anyone could pull such a thing off, it was his client.

Hurrying from St. Mungo's once the appointment was done, knowing today was the one day of the week that Dudley got to the pub before Potter, Lucius Apparated away as fast as he could, trying to get there quickly. After a quick spell to change his clothes, he bustled into the pub and was relieved to see Dudley sitting there alone. After waving to the barkeep, signaling for his normal drink, he slid into the booth across from the young man.

After the drink was delivered and he took a sip to make sure he had his thoughts in order, he said, after Dudley gave his usual friendly nod his direction, “How long do we have before Harry shows up? I'm asking because there is something that I wanted to discuss with you privately is why.”

Now, this was odd so Dudley gave him a strange look but said, after a glance at his watch, “About a half an hour. Why?”

That wasn't a lot of time and Lucius knew it but he was going to take it. Rather than dance around the topic, something he never liked doing, he pulled out the pamphlet that his therapist had given him and slid it over to Dudley. Lowering his voice, he said, “Though it's for Wizards, I assume most of it's the same for Muggles as well.”

Once glance at the title on the thing was enough to send Dudley's eyebrows most of the way to his hairline. Eyes overly wide, he looked at Lucius then asked, tone even, “Alright, I gotta ask, is this about you, mate? 'Cause, from what Harry said, it's probably been a rough time for you but this isn't the solution, Lucius.”

Before the young man could go on any further, Lucius shook his head then said, keeping his voice down, “No, Dudley, I'm fine. It's Harry I'm worried about. I know I don't know him like you do and don't have interactions the way you both do but I've seen some things that trouble me. I didn't think much of some of them, as they could be normal, until he just stopped drinking. Since then... he's worrying me.” Stopping, he waited to see Dudley's reaction.

Normally, Dudley had a pretty good poker face. Though he was fairly open with Harry and himself, most times, when he wanted to hide something, he could do it. This time, that wasn't in place. Instead, what Lucius saw wasn't something reassuring. It was a look of concern that had his heart clenching. Rather than let the silence linger, he said, tone low, “Look, if you feel I'm off base on this or that I'm reading it wrong...”

Before Lucius could finish that thought, Dudley cut him off, “Mate, I don't think you are.” Stopping, Dudley looked around, making sure that Harry hadn't gotten off early and was coming. Keeping his voice down, he said, “Keep an eye out for Harry, alright? But I think we need to talk.”

Nodding, Lucius didn't say anything but he could feel his heart sinking.

After about twenty minutes of talking on Dudley's end, Lucius wasn't feeling any better about the situation. In fact, he was as close to all out panic as he got, though it didn't show. What Dudley told him that he had observed made the feeling that someone, somewhere needed to step in and do something or Potter was going to be gone. Some things, on both their ends, when observed from either of them, didn't mean much alone but when you piled them all together, it was something that troubled both of them.

Taking a sip of his beer, Dudley leaned back and rubbed his face then said, tone tired, “So, there is nothing anyone can do to step in? They can't force the issue?”

“That's what I was just told by my therapist,” Lucius told him, sneer in place. “Nor, from what I'm gathering, would it do any good to get the Muggle authorities involved.”

“As he hasn't done anything and we just have suspicions, there isn't squat they can do,” Dudley confirmed. “Mate, I don't like this. Harry's been... off for a while now. It's been a gradual thing that I didn't notice until recently. It's getting worse though. He holes himself up in the house all the time alone with no one around but Kreacher for company. Now, the elf seems off to me, though I don't know much about them, and I doubt he's much company unless you like being fawned over. Harry’s obsessed with that damned job of his though I'm not sure what he does exactly. All I know is it's been an obsession for him since he started, from what Hermione said. Lately, all that's gotten... worse. The job I don't know about but he refuses to take time off and is the only one working there right now, from what he says. It's about the only damned thing he hasn't given up. He doesn't fly anymore. He doesn't go anywhere with his friends. Everything he used to do, he's given up. Those aren't good signs.”

Nodding, Lucius understood more than he thought he would. None of that sounded good. “What does he do, do you know? I know he's Unspeakable but there are so many things they do there that I wouldn't hazard to guess what it is.” It wasn't that Lucius cared about what Harry did, he was just wondering what section he worked in that inspired such obsession in him and if it related.

Shrugging, Dudley said, “I don't know exactly what he does. He doesn't talk about it, says he can't. The only thing I know is he works in something he called the Death Chamber. Something like that. I don't like the name, or what it could imply, but I doubt it's as bad as it sounds.”

Feeling all the hairs on the back of his neck stand up, Lucius couldn't help but shiver at the memories of what it felt to be like in that damned chamber with the veil. He was only in there during that damned battle but there was nothing or no one that could ever persuade him to go back either. That veil... it was something that he had endless nightmares about while in Azkaban. The voices he could hear calling to him seemed to be loudest while he had been a prisoner. To have to work around that thing all the time? It would drive him to insanity! Swallowing thickly, he just looked at Dudley, not saying a word.

Seeing the haunted look on Lucius' face, Dudley's brow furrowed. “Lucius? What is it?”

“Trust me, that room... the name doesn't come close to how bad it is being in there.” Quickly, he described what he could remember of the room then added, softly, “It's the room his godfather died in. If Remus Lupin hadn't stopped him, Harry would have gone right through that veil after him as well.”

White as a sheet, Dudley looked at him then said, tone aghast, “Why the hell would anyone want to work around something like that? Oh, shite, there is no way that is helping anything!” Scrubbing a hand over his face, he took on a look of determination. “Mate, I know you and Harry don't have the greatest of histories but you're gonna help me with this. I like Ron and all but he can be thick as a brick. Hermione is smart but... no, mate, you and I are going to work with this. Don't know what we're gonna do, but we're gonna figure out something!” Looking up at Lucius, he asked, “You with me on it?”

“Every step of the way, Dudley!” Lucius told him with a firm nod. He didn't know why, though he suspected that it was because he couldn't do anything to stop Narcissa's death, Lucius was going to throw himself into this with everything he had.

“Alright, let's see what we can figure out and go from there. First things first, let's find some things to do that won't look suspicious. He isn't going to talk but we can keep him busy for a while!”

Though he had doubts that it would work, Lucius was all for trying anything and was willing to go with it.

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Survivor's Guilt