Sexual Expression | By : Dazzlious Category: Harry Potter > Het - Male/Female > Draco/Hermione Views: 41140 -:- Recommendations : 3 -:- Currently Reading : 5 |
Disclaimer: I do not own Harry Potter, nor any of the characters from J K Rowling's fantastic books or films, I'm just borrowing and playing with them for a little while and get no monetary reward for doing so. |
A/N: Apologies for the delay in posting this chapter. My computer died and I had to get another one and it took a few days to arrive. Life is way boring and also very slow and annoying without a computer and access to the rest of the world! Dx
‘It’s the second to last sexual expression class tomorrow night,’ Draco said. He looked up from the essay he was in the middle of writing and grinned at Hermione. ‘I have to admit I’m still amazed you stuck it out.’
‘Well, you win,’ Hermione replied despondently. She had stopped writing, too. ‘I’m not going to go any more.’
‘Why not?’
Hermione looked at Draco in astonishment. ‘You don’t honestly expect me to keep going after what’s happened, do you?’
Draco shrugged. ‘I don’t see why not. Chris isn’t likely to be there. Anyway, you can always be my partner. Are you really going to give up when there are only a couple of lessons left?’
Hermione sighed and laid down her quill. ‘I don’t believe you sometimes, Draco.’
‘What have I done now?’ Draco asked defensively. ‘All I suggested was that I would partner you if you need me to. It just seems stupid for you to give up now just because your relationship with Chris has ended.’
‘This is what this is all about, isn’t it?’ Hermione growled angrily.
‘I’ve no idea what you’re talking about,’ Draco replied.
‘You, trying to get in my knickers again,’ Hermione retorted. ‘I knew it was too good to be true, you being all friendly and supportive. You were only doing it to get me to go to that bloody stupid class and be your partner. Well, it’s not going to happen.’
‘I just don’t understand what your problem is,’ Draco said honestly. ‘I’ve never made any secret of the fact that I fancy you, and that hasn’t changed; surely you couldn’t have thought otherwise. I’m glad Chris dumped you because now you’ll finally have to face up to the truth. And while you’re doing that you might as well come to class with me.’
‘You don’t understand what my problem is,’ Hermione repeated incredulously. She ran her hands through her hair in exasperation. ‘That’s what my problem is, Draco — you not understanding the problem and making it worse. How many times do I have to tell you I don’t want to sleep with you before you finally go away and leave me alone?’
‘It doesn’t matter how many times you tell me,’ Draco said. He stood up and moved over to where Hermione was sitting. ‘I know you’re lying to yourself. Why don’t you just admit it and we’ll all be happy?’
‘I do not — argh!’ Hermione screamed in annoyance. She stood up, too. ‘I think you should keep away from me from now on, Draco. You’re beginning to piss me off with your constant lechery. I told you before I don’t want to be another one of your conquests. I’d rather be alone for the rest of my life than end up as one of your women.’
Draco felt his heartbeat increase at Hermione’s words and a sick feeling rose in his stomach. He had obviously misjudged the situation once again. He and Hermione had been getting on so well over the previous few days that he hadn’t thought twice about mentioning the class to her. Of course, he could understand her reluctance, but this was her chance to finally face up to her feelings for him. And he was right that it was stupid to drop out just two lessons before the end and miss out on a credit, especially when it was quite likely that they wouldn’t even be practical lessons.
‘Hermione, why are you acting like this?’ Draco asked, trying to placate her. ‘I’ve done everything I can to keep myself under control. I haven’t propositioned you or tried to touch you. I haven’t even said anything suggestive to you. I’ve just been here purely as a friend and a confidante. You know how I feel about you, I’ve told you often enough. I don’t just want you sexually. I want more than that. I want a proper relationship with you. Why won’t you believe me?’
‘You keep saying that,’ Hermione said wearily. She moved away from Draco. ‘But you never show me any proof that it’s true.’
‘How can I when you won’t let me anywhere near you?’ Draco asked in frustration, ‘When you won’t give me a chance to prove it.’ He followed Hermione, and although she tried to stop him he took hold of her hand. ‘Tell me how I can show you and I will. I’ll do anything you want, Hermione, but please don’t send me away.’
Hermione looked at Draco for several long seconds without saying anything. Then, ‘The day Chris and I split up you told me I had no idea what you had done for me. What did you mean by that?’ she asked. ‘What did you do for me?’
Draco looked back at her, debating what to say. He couldn’t think of a lie that would adequately explain what he had accidentally blurted out in anger. But the truth . . . well, the truth wasn’t going to help his case with Hermione. It would make her extremely angry with him, especially considering the way she already felt about him. This was definitely not the time to tell her the truth, but Draco realised he didn’t want to lie to her.
Letting go of her hand, he gave a loud sigh and rubbed at his forehead. ‘I’m in love with you, Hermione. I have been for a while now. And I mean years, not months.’ Hermione looked at him in astonishment. ‘I fancied you when we were at school, but, well, you know how things were between us, and I spent my whole time trying to deny how I felt.’
He looked into Hermione’s eyes, wanting her to see that he was being sincere. ‘I know what you’re going through, I really do. I went through it, too — the horrid realisation that you’re totally attracted to the one person you shouldn’t have those sorts of feelings about, the wondering whether the person you’ve detested for all this time isn’t as bad as you had always thought. I’ve been through it — and you know how I dealt with it, too. I’ll admit I was abominable and I treated you shamefully. And I honestly do feel bad about that now, but unfortunately, it’s done and nothing will ever change that.
‘At Hogwarts, there was never any chance for us; there was too much history, too much bad stuff going on. By the time we got to university everything had changed. The world was completely different, and I was optimistic that there was a real chance we could be a couple. We had both grown up and I was sure that once you realised I wasn't as bad as you had always believed, you would give me a chance. That has always been one of your strengths, Hermione — seeing the good in people. Hogwarts and everything that had happened between us was behind us, and it was time for me to get what I wanted so badly.
‘I knew I didn't have any competition from those prats you hang around with. I'd heard that you and the Weasel had a brief relationship, which didn't really surprise me. I know you always had a bit of a thing for him.’ Draco looked at Hermione appraisingly. ‘Although to be honest, I never could understand that attraction. He's nowhere near as intelligent as you and you didn't really seem suited. Mind you, you and Potter — that was even more of a surprise. You had always seemed more like brother and sister than lovers to me, and I thought he was in love with Weasley's sister.’
Hermione looked rueful. ‘I'm not really sure what happened with Harry, to be honest. I think it was a rebound thing, but it was definitely a mistake and we both realised that pretty quickly. We just tried to forget it had ever happened. Ron was much harder, though. I had fancied him for so long and I really thought he was the one for me.’ She broke off for a moment, looking maudlin. ‘It was very hard for quite a long while afterwards. I thought we might have ruined our friendship forever, but I guess we were still meant to be friends because we got over it — eventually. But I thought you and Pansy—’
Draco snorted. ‘That was over before it even started. That was the great thing about leaving school, not having to see her any more! She used to drive me mad, especially when I compared her to you, and I did that all the time. She was never a patch on you.’
Hermione frowned. ‘I just don't understand this. You said you fancied me at school, but I never got that impression, not even one little glimmer of it. You were always so mean to me. How could you be like that if you really did fancy me?’
Draco shrugged. ‘I'm a Malfoy and a Pure-blood. Believe me, we’re world-class experts at keeping our true feelings well hidden. And with the world the way it was then, there was never any chance that I could tell you how I felt. That’s why I was so nasty. Part of me really hated you for the way you made me feel, for the things you made me crave.’
‘I still don’t understand what you’ve done for me, though,’ Hermione said honestly. She was feeling more than a little uncomfortable with Draco’s confession, mainly because it was stirring up dangerous feelings inside her that she had no desire to examine in any detail.
‘I was sure that when we came here things would be different. I thought we could get to know each other properly and maybe you would want me, too. But it didn’t go the way I’d hoped. We were put into different classes for everything even though we took a lot of the same subjects, which meant we moved in completely different circles. I never even got to see you because we were never anywhere near each other.’
Hermione felt a little guilty as she remembered how pleased she had been to discover she and Draco weren’t in any of the same classes. But then, she reflected, she had been coming at it from the opposite direction to him. As far as she had known he was still the same racist bully he had always been and it was natural for her to want to keep as far away from him as possible.
Draco pulled her out of her reverie. ‘I didn’t mind at first. I was so busy with trying to get settled into the work and I knew you would be the same, but once I had a little more free time I thought I’d check out what you were doing. I have to admit I was expecting you to be in the Library all the time like you used to be at school, but instead, I discovered you already had a boyfriend — and not one of the prats, either.’
‘I’d rather you didn’t call my best friends prats, thank you very much,’ Hermione said, her tone prickly.
Draco shrugged again. ‘Sorry, but that’s what I think they are. Always have done. But as you’ve requested I refrain from calling them that, I won’t refer to them that way again.
‘When I realised you had a boyfriend I went completely mad. You were supposed to be my girlfriend. The plan definitely hadn’t included anyone else getting in the way. I decided immediately that he wasn’t good enough for you, although in truth I didn’t know anything about him. But it didn’t take me long to discover I was right.’
Hermione frowned. ‘What do you mean, you were right?’
Draco gave a small shake of his head. ‘You’ve got a terrible taste in men, Hermione. And that David was a real stinker. Did you know you were his sixth girlfriend since starting uni? And we had only been there just over a month. He really was only interested in one thing. But once I had a little word with him—’
‘What do you mean you had a word with him?’ Hermione asked coldly. She glared at Draco. ‘And I suppose you’d know all about only being after one thing.’
Draco gave an ostentatious sigh. ‘As I’ve told you time and again, I’m not just after one thing. But he definitely was. I collared him the morning after you fucked him. Actually, he was going to dump you anyway as he had already got what he wanted off you, but I made sure he left you alone. I didn’t want him deciding to come back for seconds.’
‘You don’t know that he would have dumped me,’ Hermione said. She was still glaring at Draco. ‘You probably just scared him with your bullying attitude. Let’s face it — you can be a complete bastard . . . and more often than not.’
Draco ignored the jibe. ‘I talked to him, remember?’ His voice showed a trace of disgust now. ‘He was more than happy to tell me all about what you were like in bed. I almost hexed him, actually. He really pissed me off.’ He saw Hermione look unhappy at what he had just said. ‘Oh, don’t worry, he wouldn’t have talked about you to anyone else,’ he promised. ‘I pointed out what a mistake that would be and told him it was probably in his best interest not to go near you again. He soon got the message.’
‘You had no right to do that,’ Hermione snapped angrily.
‘True. But he was an arsehole. You didn’t deserve to have that creep keep tapping you up every time he felt in the mood. You deserve better than him.’
‘And you think you’re better, do you?’ Hermione asked belligerently.
She thought back to her brief relationship with David. Draco was right, he was an arsehole. She had already begun to discover that by the time Draco had talked to him. She remembered how David had started to become distant with her almost as soon as they had made love, but that didn’t make her feel any better about what Draco had done, nor did it make it any more forgivable.
‘I got rid of them all,’ Draco admitted suddenly, his voice apologetic. Now that he had started to admit to Hermione what he had done, he desperately wanted to get it over with. It was going be painful enough for her and he had no desire to rake over every relationship he had ruined for her.
Hermione sat down, a look of shock on her face. ‘What do you mean you got rid of all of them?’
Draco pulled the spare chair out from under the desk and sat down next to her, looking contrite. ‘I hadn't expected it to go that way. When I got rid of the first one I intended to try and make a play for you, but by the time I caught up with you again there was already another one, so I had to get rid of him, too. They were like a bloody hydra. Every time I got rid of one, another would pop up to take his place. And all of them were arseholes.’
‘No, they weren’t,’ Hermione said defensively. She was desperately trying to contain her anger and knew she was close to tears. ‘Okay, I know a couple of them probably weren’t great choices, but most of them were fine . . . would have been fine, if I’d had a chance, if you hadn’t interfered.’
‘They were all arseholes,’ Draco repeated adamantly. ‘That guy with the floppy hair, for instance. He reminded me of that crappy teacher we used to have at Hogwarts — what was his name, Lockhart?’ He saw Hermione flush a little as she remembered both the boyfriend and the teacher that he had reminded her of. ‘That bloke only went out with you so he could get with the girl in the room next door to you.’
Hermione looked shocked for a moment at this piece of news. After a second she shook her head in disbelief and opened her mouth to respond, but before she could say anything Draco raised his hand to stop her.
‘I know what I’m talking about because I bought them all off. I didn’t threaten most of them, only the real wankers. The rest I just asked their price — and all of them were more than happy to tell me what they wanted. Most of them were happy with money, but a few were a little more creative. Oh, and just to let you know, I didn’t give Floppy-Hair what he wanted. He was one of the ones I threatened.’
Hermione put her head in her hands, trying to take in what Draco was telling her. She couldn’t believe what he had done to her. And not just losing her the boyfriends. In truth, she could probably have done with losing some of them, and earlier than he had got rid of them. But what he had done to her self-esteem and her self-confidence was unforgivable. Because of his actions she had felt so bad about herself that she had enrolled in that stupid class and gone through everything with Chris just for Draco to come along and ruin it again. He had done a better job of destroying her at university than he ever had at school; ironic, given his supposed ‘love’ for her.
She looked up and gazed balefully at Draco. ‘So you paid Chris off, too, did you?’ she asked quietly. ‘How much did you give him to dump me?’ She could feel the tears starting again and there was a sharp pain in her heart, exacerbated by the knowledge that Chris had given her up so easily even after everything they had shared. She blinked a couple of times to try and stop the tears from falling.
‘I didn’t pay him anything,’ Draco admitted softly. He put his hand on her arm and tried not to notice when she flinched a little. ‘I did try. Just after Easter. I asked him what his price was. But he wasn’t interested.’
Hermione’s heart beat a little faster for a moment at the knowledge that Chris hadn’t turned out to be a complete bastard after all. But then she remembered he had dumped her. Draco must have had something to do with it.
‘But he still left me,’ she said, trying to keep from whining. Her voice was already quavering from the tears that still threatened. ‘You said something to him and he left.’
‘Not the first time,’ Draco admitted. ‘He refused point-blank. He told me I didn’t deserve you because of my attitude and that he wasn’t prepared to leave you to me. He really pissed me off actually, especially when he offered me advice.’
‘But if you hadn’t talked to him,’ Hermione said, hatred for Draco welling up inside her now, ‘Chris and I would still be together. You made him leave me.’
Draco shook his head. ‘No, you know that’s not true, Hermione. Chris left because he knew it was the only way to get you to stop hiding behind him and face up to your desire for me. You can deny it until the cows come home, but he knew it was me you really wanted, even before that day in class.’
‘You said he gave you advice,’ Hermione said, trying to deflect the conversation from consideration of her desires as it made her feel uncomfortable, especially considering what she had just learnt about what Draco had done to her. ‘What did he say?’
‘You have to understand I was arrogant about all this. Although I had changed somewhat, I was still the same cock-sure man I’ve always been. Even though I knew what I was doing to you — making you unhappy, scared and lacking in confidence — I couldn’t stop. I was determined to have you. And that’s when I directed you towards the class.’
Hermione looked surprised again. ‘You put the flyer under my door? I thought the university had sent them to everyone.’ Hermione realised that she had never discussed with Chris how he had happened to join the class.
Draco laughed. ‘Definitely not. Can you imagine how inundated they would be if everyone knew about it? I only found out about it by accident. But immediately I could see the possibilities it offered. With your doubt in your sexual abilities, it was the perfect way to get you into my bed. You take the class and I become your partner. It was foolproof — or so I thought.’
‘But how did you know I would take the class?’ Hermione asked. ‘You had no guarantee of that.’
‘That was the only bit that was open to chance, I thought,’ Draco admitted, his hand still stroking Hermione’s arm. ‘But even that wasn’t too hard to predict. Knowing your personality, you would be sure to see the class as a way to discover why you were no good at keeping a boyfriend, even those you hadn’t slept with because you were convinced it had to be something to do with you rather than them. And it was academic enough to pique your interest, too. If you hadn’t been there that first evening I wouldn’t have bothered going to the rest of the classes, but you were.’
‘And then you treated me just as crassly as you had always done, except more sexually,’ Hermione said. ‘Surely you must have realised I wasn’t going to fall for that, especially when you threatened to rape me.’
Draco looked annoyed. ‘I did not threaten to rape you,’ he said stiffly. ‘I explained to you what I meant. I was talking about role-playing. I would never force you to do anything you didn’t want to do, Hermione.’
‘So why did you act like that?’ Hermione asked, more interested than she wanted to admit. ‘You must have seen that it wasn’t getting you anywhere.’
‘I got cocky and over-confident,’ Draco admitted with a shrug. ‘Let’s face it: I've never had the need to be sensitive before, so it really didn't occur to me that that was the way I needed to go. I was convinced you were going to be my partner because right from the first practical lesson it was obvious you were interested in me. You looked at me at least as much as I looked at you. You couldn’t keep your eyes off me. And then bloody Chris came along.’
‘I was determined you wouldn’t be my partner,’ Hermione told him truthfully. ‘Nothing would have made me choose you. Your attitude was so off-putting. Even if it hadn’t been for all the things that happened between us at school, I still wouldn’t have been interested because of that.’
‘Yes, that was one of the things Chris told me,’ Draco said with a sigh, ‘that my attitude was wrong. But I knew you were interested and I wanted you to tell me you wanted me without me admitting my feelings for you.’
‘But I didn’t—’ Hermione began.
‘Yes, you did.’ Draco looked into Hermione’s eyes once more and gripped her arm more tightly. ‘You do, Hermione. You just don’t want to admit it. That’s why Chris ended the relationship. He knew I would take you away from him eventually and he chose to end it because you were using him as a shield.’
Hermione shrugged Draco’s hand from her arm. This was moving into dangerous territory again and she didn’t want to think about it, didn’t want to admit that she did actually fancy Draco and had done for quite some time.
‘I should go,’ she said, collecting her belongings and putting them into her bag. ‘I need a bit of space.’
Draco hurriedly packed his things away, too. ‘I’ll walk you back to your room.’
Hermione shook her head. ‘No, thank you. I need to be alone. I need to think about what you’ve told me, try and understand why you did what you did to me.’
‘I did it because I love you,’ Draco said matter-of-factly, ‘and I’m not letting you run away again. It’s time you faced up to the feelings you’ve been trying to repress.’ Before Hermione had a chance to argue, he picked up her bag and slung it across his shoulder with his own. The bloody thing was just as heavy as the last time he had carried it. ‘Come on, I’ll walk you back.’
Hermione didn’t say anything but stalked out of the study room ahead of Draco, her head whirling with what she had just learnt and with what she was having trouble keeping locked down deep inside her.
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