Years of Burden | By : Polypectron Category: Harry Potter > Het - Male/Female > Snape/Hermione Views: 6695 -:- Recommendations : 0 -:- Currently Reading : 1 |
Disclaimer: I do not own Harry Potter and SSHG is not canon. This is a work of fiction. I am not profiting from it. All characters, places, objects and realities belong to J K Rowling and the Potterverse. |
Disclaimer: None of these characters belong to me, they belong to J K Rowling and if you don't know that they you must be really confused when you read these fanfiction stories. (to be taken in jest) The events happening during the tale are either made up of taken from the book or the movie and may or may not be in chronological order depending on the story's needs.
Polyplectron
CHAPTER SEVEN – You Are Being Irrational
The Gryffindor common room was relatively empty. Only a few people sat scattered around the room with the majority sitting around the roaring fire place. Mildly ardent chatter floated around the room and Hermione was intrigued about the events that transpired in her absence. Quickly wiping her face, just in case, and straightening herself she searched the room for her friends.
"Hermione, you missed the party! You'll never guess what happened"
Ginny beckoned Hermione over to a secluded corner in the Gryffindor common room where she, Luna, Harry and Neville sat huddled together on a curved velvet lounge. Neville motioned for Hermione to sit next to him but there was not enough room for her to sit. So Hermione instead summoned a singular arm chair and sat down in it comfortably, wrapping her arms around her. Crookshanks came out from his hiding place under the lounge and jumped up to join her.
"You should have seen her face Hermione. It was the funniest thing I have ever seen"
"Ginny that is not very nice, the poor girl was crying"
"She deserved it Neville, don't feel sorry for her"
Hermione looked from Ginny to Neville in confusion while scratching Crookshanks behind the ear. She looked to Harry and Luna for some in insight but they were seemingly engrossed in an upside down copy of the Quibbler.
"What on earth are you both talking about?"
"Lavender and Ron, should have seen her Hermione. Stupid bimbo flew into the common room crying and making a big scene. Then Ron came in after her and was trying to calm her down, saying something about Snape and then I tried to find out what was wrong and she had a go at me. Before I could hex her old McGonagall came in and broke up the party."
"I asked Ron what happened and he said that he and Lavender were busted kissing by Snape. Apparently they lost one hundred points each and I've never seen McGonagall so angry."
"She was furious more like it," interrupted Ginny, curling her ginger hair behind her ear and practically bouncing in her seat, "They came in here barely fifteen minutes before you Hermione, you must have at least seen McGonagall leaving. Snape won't be getting a good night's sleep tonight."
Trying her hardest not to smile, Hermione nodded in acknowledgement. Apparently Lavender had made quite the fool of herself and that made her feel elated. She remembered not moments ago being forced to listen to Lavenders vile actions and now she was receiving her comeuppance in abundance.
"Where are they now?" she asked politely
"Lavender is up in her room and Ron was trying to get up to the girls dormitory to see her but gave up and went to his room but the big question is where were youHermione?" asked Ginny, "Harry said you left after Ron and Lavender were playing tongue hockey. Are you alright?"
"Did he now?" Harry looked up sheepishly from the publication at the sound of his name, "Yes I am fine Ginny – I was simply, trying to, um, that is to say I was avoiding McLaggen. I saw him making a beeline for me. Running seemed the only logical thing to do"
"Oh why didn't you say so? I would have told him to toss off, any excuse to throw a Bat-Bogey hex really. So where did you go?"
"Nowhere interesting" she lied. Where she had been was the epicentre of it all but she was not going to tell her friends why she had been there listening to Lavender give Ron fellatio in the first place or about her encounter with Snape. But she was even more anxious to talk to Luna about Snape and desperately needing to let out her feelings.
"Fine, don't tell me, I am off to bed. Hogsmeade weekend tomorrow and I am meeting Dean to sort out some issues. Goodnight."
Ginny rose from her place on the lounge and bit farewell to her friends. Hermione reached out and grabbed her hand in passing and gave it a supportive squeeze.
"Goodnight Ginny. Good luck with Dean."
Ginny smiled back at her, walking towards the girl's dormitories and disappearing up the stair case. With the seal broken, Neville also rose from his seat, said goodnight to everyone and disappeared up the stairs to the boy's dormitories. Hermione reclined deeply into the chair and pulled Crookshanks deeper onto her lap. Closing her eyes she smiled softly, for a moment forgot where she was and allowed her mind to wander.
Professor Snape. I still cannot believe you let me off without so much as an aspersion. By all logical reason you should have taken at least twenty points from me for loitering in an abandoned classroom. Yet you seemed so understanding of my situation. I convinced myself not to waste my time deliberating on a senseless thug like you and then you surprise me with humility. You are an enigma that cannot be solved and it drives me insane. There must be a logical reason behind your sporadic disposition. I am still in a state of disbelief at the horrible things you said to Lavender and Ron. That alone is enough to make me want to throw my arms around you. . .
"Hermione?"
"Huh? What?"
"You fell asleep – are we going to have our slumber party now?"
Luna hovered over her with a delicate hand placed on her shoulder. Crookshanks had long disappeared from her lap and she was left alone with Luna in an empty common room. She must have fallen asleep and had no idea how long Luna must have been staring at her before deciding to wake her.
"Harry has gone to bed."
Helping Hermione to her feet, Luna put a supportive arm under her friend and together they walked towards the girl's dormitory
~O~
Equally ready to retire, Snape stalked down the stairs into the dungeons. He had quite enough of the today's exertions and was looking forward to collapsing on his bed and taking a necessary Sleeping Draught. Regardless of Poppy's warning to refrain from taking potions for at least a week, he felt it necessary. Besides if Snape wanted to take a potion there was no way in hell an old woman would deter him from doing so.
Rounding the corner to his office, he was welcomed with a sight most inconvenient. Draco Malfoy stood waiting from him, with his back against the door and his hands clenched to his sides. Without hesitation the boy looked up at the sound of Snape's footsteps and greeted his professor with a curt nod.
"Professor."
"Mr Malfoy."
"Do you have a moment?"
Snape brushed him to the side and unlocked his office door with his wand, he gestured with a jerk of his head for the boy to enter. His office was oval in shape. A gloomy and dimly-lit room with shadowy walls lined with shelves of large glass jars filled with slimy, revolting things, such as bits of animals and plants, floating in potions of varying colours. Directly in front of them stood Snape's desk, strategically placed to watch the entrance; behind the desk was lined with sharp objects and archaic- looking devices which in reality were used for specialised craftsmanship and not for torture. The desk itself was made of a dark mahogany and was covered with piles of student essays and tedious paperwork that he may or may not have been procrastinating over.
Gesturing for Malfoy to take a seat, Snape levitated the mess of paper over to an oblong table he used for his extra-curricular activities. Malfoy sat and twitched in his chair, visibly uncomfortable with being in a closed space with his professor. Snape had been finding it difficult to reach out to him. Lucius Malfoy's incarceration has caused Draco to avoid him like the plague as if personally blaming Snape for his father's absence. Even after Narcissa informed her son of Snape's Unbreakable Vow, Draco still refused his aid, claiming that Snape was only risking his life to usurp his favour with the Dark Lord. Like a jealous child.
Snape took residence in his leather back chair and intertwined his fingers.
"To what do I owe the pleasure?" raising his eyebrow at the gaunt young man in front of him.
"Hardly a pleasure, you were quite pathetic the other day in class. Lucky Zabini stepped in before Potter or Weasel could take a chance. What the hell did you think you were doing?"
"Attending to my duties as Professor of course, when have you come to care so deeply for my welfare?"
"I don't! You were careless and you're lucky Zabini suggested a wizard's oathe, otherwise-"
"Otherwise you would have relished in an opportunity to regale the event to the Dark Lord, am I correct? As for Mr Zabini his loyalty is nothing more than an attempt to seek favour for his grades that are as dismal as your own. Perhaps that is the real reason you are here Draco. Most difficult to ignore your failing grades, usually you are an apt pupil. What would your mother say?"
Malfoy did not answer and sat quietly, silently seething at his professor. Snape was not an imbecile, had the boy not been under the influence of the wizard oathe he would have gladly thrown him under in an attempt to gain a favour. Yet Snape knew the boy was not here to improve his grades either, although he should strive to improve them. Draco was a very clever and innovative boy when he applied himself. Taking a chance, Snape tried to enter Malfoy's mind but was halted by an invisible wall and two defiant icy eyes.
"Don't."
"Ah, I see Aunt Bellatrix has been teaching you Occlumency. What thoughts are you trying to conceal from me, Draco?"
"I'm not trying to conceal anything," bit Draco, "I just don't want you butting in! If I want your help I'll ask for it!"
"If you are so fear my interference then why are you here? Obviously, you require my assistance but are too proud to simply ask for it."
"Pride has nothing to do with it." Malfoy shoved his hand in his pocket and pulled out a crumbled piece of paper. Shooting Snape a dark look, he reluctantly handed his superior the parchment. Flattening it distastefully on the desk Snape frowned at the boy's familiar scrawl. Snape was in no mood to dally around tonight, not after the events he witnessed with Miss Brown and Mr Weasley.
I am in dire need of a some empty vials for which to empty my mind and the Moscato will need to be chilled. . .
"The Ministry keeps intercepting my owls to mother," said Draco spitefully, "and she refuses to send me anything of value. Of course I have other ways of obtaining theseitems but mother insists I utilize you considering you are putting your life on the line."
Snape took the list from Draco's hand and read the ingredients listen.
"Narcissa is wise to send you to me. Should you simply request or receive any of these items through improper channels you would most likely be expelled or investigated. Ashwinder eggs, peppermint, moonstone and rose thorns; you are intending to brew a love potion. A love potion Draco?" asked Snape incredulously.
"This is why I did not want you involved!" interrupted Draco. The boy rose from his chair and went to snatch the note from Snape's hand, Snape retracted it effortlessly. "You would question me, think I am stupid and say I have no idea what I am doing! It is none of your business what I am doing!"
"I can't consciously give you these ingredients Draco as it is obviously for a love potion. Those under the influence of such a brew show easily identifiable symptoms, a cure is effortless and finding the culprit is easily done. You will be expelled!"
"So expel me! Report me to Dumbledore because I have already made it twice before and I will do it again, with or without your help."
There was a pause, and then Snape said, "You know perfectly well that I do not wish to do either of those things."
"You better stop telling me what I can and can't do then and just give me the ingredients without question. I shouldn't be telling you this anyway!"
"Listen to me," said Snape, his voice so low that he was surprised at himself for not lurching over the table and strangling the life out of the boy himself for his audacity, "I am trying to help you and I swore to your mother I would protect you-"
KNOCK-KNOCK-KNOCK!
KNOCK-KNOCK-KNOCK!
KNOCK-KNOCK-KNOCK!
"Severus? Severus! Severus Snape, open your infernal door this instant!" came a furious roar from outside his office door.
Snape and Draco turned at the large racket coming from the other side of the door, almost coming off its hinges at the powerful onslaught of knocking. Motioning to Draco to stand he pocketed the note and placed a firm hand on the boys shoulder, pinching it almost painfully.
"I will see to it that you receive your requirements Draco but I would advise you to reconsider your future plans concerning the Dark Lords wishes, for he does not care for love."
Pushing him to the side Snape pulled out his wand and drew the door open to reveal a frightfully mad McGonagall, hair pinned in rolls and wearing a tartan patterned dressing gown.
"You best be off to bed Mr Malfoy I will be detaining Professor Snape for the remainder of the evening, goodnight to you."
Pulling Draco out into the corridor McGonagall flew into Snape's office and the slammed the door behind her. Leaving Draco a little more than neglected in the empty dungeons. Smoothing down his hair the boy walked dejectedly into the darkness.
~O~
Hermione and Luna entered the sixth year dormitory to find clothes and items thrown all over the place. Socks dangled from bed tops, books lay scattered in piles and bits and pieces were flying through the air. In the core of the chaos sat Lavender on her bed. Make-up smeared all over her face and eyes glassy. Parvati sat to her right, a hand softly comforting her by patting Lavender on the knee and stroking her back with the other.
"H-he *hic* he called me a h-harlot Parvati! A *hic* harlot in front of my R-Ron-Ron, w-what I w-was doing *sniff* with my b-boyfriend was none of his business!"
"How awful, he was probably just jealous Lavender; Professor Snape is so ugly I doubt anyone would want to touch him. Please stop crying"
"So ugly! That face and that nose *hic* his hair it is so greasy, it is not like it is hair to get a decent potion to degrease your hair, you of all people should know that. I can't believe he–you! How dare you come in here, get out!"
Hermione and Luna stood motionless in the door way. With a look of pure defiance, Hermione grabbed Luna's hand, shut the door behind them and made their way over to her bed to enlarge it.
"Luna and I are going to have a slumber party so keep it down please your moaning is giving me a headache"
"Don't act so innocent! It is entirely your fault Ron-Ron and I have detention for a month!"
Luna used engorgio on the bed and it grew from a modest single to a slim queen. Big enough for them both to lie comfortably on but not large enough to encompass the room and encroach on the other inhabitants. Hermione was in the process of taking off her filthy jumper and beanie when Lavender's comments caused her to flip around to face the sobbing girl.
"Whatever do you mean?"
"I knew you were there!"
"You knew I was there?" hissed Hermione.
"Of course I did," smirked Lavender, "Why do you think I chose that classroom? I saw you run out of the common room and I decided to follow you and Ron was more that eager to come with me. Did you enjoy the little show? Ron-Ron loved having my mouth around his-"
Hermione thrust her wand under Lavender's chin, halting the girl's wanton words.
"You are a filthy girl Lavender Brown and you deserved every punishment Professor Snape gave you and more. In fact, listening to Snape berate you for your mouth stuffed with impropriety was one of the highlights this evening. Your despicable attempts to upset me have failed and you have more or less embarrassed yourself because I do not fancy Ronald!"
Lavender was left gobsmacked at Hermione's recovery and huffed indignantly. Parvati's mouth hung open in disbelief at the new information that presented itself. She was under the impression that Ron and Lavender were holding hands in the hall way when Snape found them. She had no idea Lavender was getting physical with him for Hermione's benefit.
"Ron?" Came Luna's whimsical voice, "He says very funny things sometimes, doesn't he? But he can be a bit unkind, I noticed that last year-"
"My Ron-Ron is NOT unkind!" screeched Lavender, rising from her place on the bed and pushing Hermione's wand away from her, "He is sweet, handsome and wonderful and I love him! I love him and he loves me and we are going to get married and have lots of pureblood children. You are just a weirdo and you-" turning to face Hermione, "you are just a jealous little bitch stay away from me and my Ron-Ron!"
Lavender stomped past Hermione, flew out the door and ran down the stairs. Parvati quickly rose from the bed and ran after her friend, closing the door behind her. Needless to say, Hermione was more than a little shocked at the girl's outburst. Instinctively throwing up a silencing charm and warding the room, Hermione crawled up onto her bed with Luna who bounced ardently.
"What a peculiar girl," said Luna, "her head must be bursting with more Wrackspurts than I thought. Maybe someone should help her."
"Don't worry about her Luna," muttered Hermione, conjuring some tea cups, a tea pot and peppermint leaves, "she is beyond help"
"oh," Luna pointed her wand at the tea pot and filled it with hot water, "does this happen every slumber party?"
"No I don't usually have slumber parties. I don't have many girlfriends. . ." confessed Hermione. She pulled a bag of sweets from her side table and opened them. She reclined against a large pillow and offered Luna a sweet while the pale girl poured the tea.
"I don't have any girlfriends either," smiled Luna, "so what was it you wished to tell me?"
Hermione accepted her tea cup and basked in the scent of peppermint.
"Perhaps I should start from the beginning"
~O~
Snape leered at McGonagall pacing up and down in his office. The woman had the nerve to denounce him in front of a student and then lecture him about appropriate behaviour. Not only that, but she was most likely oblivious to the underlying reasons why her Gryffindor's were disciplined so severally, otherwise she would of found it justified and would be yelling at them instead of him.
"Minerva sit down, you are being irrational"
"Irrationality is why I am here, imagine my surprise to see the Gryffindor Hourglass in my quarters deplete considerably while enjoying my evening tea. Two hundred points! Two hundred points, did you come away from this morning's discussion about your animosity for nothing?"
"Mr Weasley and Miss Brown were lucky not to evoke expulsion"
"Expulsion?! Hand holding does not constitute expulsion, I'll admit it is a little more than inappropriate at Hogwarts to engage in innocent intimacy but surely you have taken this to extremes."
"Innocent intimacy? What exactly did your precious Gryffindors tell you transpired? Your lack of agreement leads me to believe that they did not confess to cavorting on tables and indulging in fellatio as their reasons for the disciplinary action taken."
McGonagall stopped pacing and threw a hand over her mouth in shock. Snape smirked as she tried to string together a coherent sentence and overcome her complete surprise. As if appearing to teeter, Snape stood and gestured for her to sit in the chair were Draco had been sitting not moments before. Gingerly she accepted and smoothed down a stray lock of hair.
"They did WHAT?!"
"I caught them in an abandoned classroom. Certainly energetic from the frivolities you allowed post victory and decided exploring their less than sanitary and disgustingly hormonal feelings was necessary. Naturally I was appalled as one would be when-"
"Enough! You need not go into details. And no one else saw them?"
Snape sat quietly in his chair. He did not want to tell McGonagall Hermione had been there. Not exactly sure if it was out of pity or guilt, Snape addressed McGonagall with masked features.
"No."
"Well," started McGonagall, rising shakily from her seat, "my apologies Severus, it seems your actions were more than justified. But I am afraid you should have brought them to me instead of taking charge of their punishment. They are after all students of my house and I should like to punish them accordingly myself. Tomorrow I will inform Albus and he will decide on a course of action. Goodnight Severus"
Standing proudly McGonagall made her way out of Snape's office, letting the door click softly behind her. Watching her retreating shadow, he cast several of his usual locking wards on his office door. Snape felt the bottle of Moscato burning against his leg. Reminding him that it was indeed there and it was more than ready to be opened. Rising from his seat, he tapped his wand twice on a small snake sculpture on one of his shelves, slowly a passage way revealed itself in the wall, covered in rows and rows of books and ambiguous items. Making his way down the corridor he muttered a charm and the entrance to the corridor closed behind him.
~O~
From the amount of sweets they had eaten Hermione believed she had been talking non-stop for two hours about her progression from hating Snape to having confusing feelings about Snape. Luna was quite a good listener. She never interrupted like Harry would always do, she did not need things explained to her like Ron needed and she was not judgemental like Ginny always was. Hermione could not have picked a better person to regale her woes to and now she sat and waited with a heavy stomach and sticky fingers, for Luna's advice.
"You must think I'm mad," said Hermione, "obsessing over a teacher."
Luna licked sweetie residue off her fingers and sighed happily.
"No you're not mad. You're just as sane as I am"
That did nothing to comfort Hermione in the slightest but she appreciated Luna's attempt to make her feel better.
"Perhaps you are a masochist." offered Luna helpfully.
"Heavens no!" blushed Hermione, "having him hurt me and peel through my memories did not arouse me in the slightest"
"Oh ok, well how about your mindless compulsion for approval?"
"I beg your pardon?" said Hermione abruptly.
Seeking approval was something she was not unfamiliar with and at a young age Hermione had always strived to achieve her best to gain the attention of her parents. Both being dentists they lived a busy lifestyle and had little time to think about raising a family. So it was completely to their surprise when her mother became pregnant with Hermione and was dubbed their 'happy little accident'. The idea that her parents had not intended to have her, motivated Hermione to prove her worth to them, even if they loved her unconditionally. So naturally when she came to Hogwarts and found out she was another exception, a muggleborn, her strive for approval consumed her daily life. Studying day in and day out to prove she was worthy of being a witch and a great one at that. Still, Hermione did not appreciate it when it was insinuated by others. It need not be said.
"Approval. You said that Professor Snape has never approved of you. Maybe now he is allowing you to see this other side of him you are subconsciously turning it into gestures of approval and that makes you fancy him. Although that doesn't explain why he attacked you unless you genuinely frightened him."
"I do NOT fancy Professor Snape"
"You must though. Its the only logical reason why you would be obsessing above him and you asked for a logical explanation. Unless you also are also plagued Wrackspurts!" cried Luna horrified, "Tell me, does your brain feel fuzzy? Oh dear I should have brought my spectrespecs."
Hermione sat a little disturbed on her side of the bed, her tea long forgotten and resting on her side table. She did not fancy Professor Snape and she was not thatdesperate for approval. In fact she never really liked anyone. Victor she had found roguishly attractive but lacked basic communicative skills. Ron was handsome and funny but a complete wanker. Snape was-well he was not the most attractive person, he was twice her age and a snarky, mean man. Distractedly she look down at her wrist and was pleased it was feeling much better than it had this morning.
How could I possible fancy Professor Snape of all people. Luna is loony, Luna is crazy, Luna is illogical and believes in things that have no grounding evidence. So she must be wrong when she insinuates I fancy him. . . I couldn't possibly. No it's completely inappropriate. No, just no. no. no. no. no. no. He is mean, vile and. . . .and really clever, and can be kind because I have seen it, and there is more to him than what meets the eye and I need to know what it is! AH! No no no no stop it Hermione you should be concentrating on helping Harry and studying for your NEWTs not obsessing!
"I am enjoying this slumber party Hermione it is like having a real friend. Even if you do have Wrackspurts." grinned Luna, interrupting Hermione from her thoughts.
Hermione tried her best to hide her annoyance and smiled, "You are my friend Luna but I am telling you now. I do NOT fancy Professor Snape"
"That's nice"
Luna yawned loudly and settled down into the covers. As the night grew older they both made their way under the sheets with Crookshanks resting contently in between them. He had been hiding underneath Parvati's bed the whole time and ventured out when he detected the smell of sweeties. Hermione felt bad about feeling angry about Luna's opinion on the matter, after all she had asked for it. Not only that but she felt terrible about Lavender calling Luna a weirdo and leaving her in the common room.
"Sorry I left you with Harry in the common room, Luna."
"That's ok. He invited me to a party. Nobody ever asked me to a party before and he seemed a little embarrassed to do so. Am I supposed to bring something to a party, I forgot to ask."
"Harry invited you to Slughorn's Christmas party?"
"Yes I think that was what it was called."
"That's nice of him Luna," Hermione smirked, "He must fancy-oh gosh I have completely forgotten to ask anyone. Who am I going to bring?"
"Is it customary to bring someone?"
"No I don't think so"
"Then why not go by yourself?"
"I did not even consider that as an option."
"Perhaps you could ask Professor Snape?"
"Funny. I think I will go by myself thanks Luna"
Gradually the girls fell asleep, curling either side of Crookshanks like a protective cocoon The half-kneazle never felt happier and silently wished this to be a nightly occurrence, especially in these growingly colder nights.
~O~
The Moscato was from Australia of all places. Why Vector has a bottle of Moscato from Australia was a mystery to Snape but perhaps it should have stayed there. Not quite the connoisseur of wine, he preferred heavier brews and he was finding this Moscato much too fruity for his liking. Downing the entire bottle over the last half hour had not been the best idea he had all night either. Snape's stomach curled agitatedly and he had yet to finish the plate of food he had forced Winky to bring him not ten minutes ago, he had doubts about finishing it. So instead he sat brooding on his four poster bed with his legs cross and staring daggers at the hope chest he pulled out from under his bed.
The chest originally belonged to Tobias, he had purchased it from a gypsy vendor who was passing through Cokeworth one afternoon in 1967. He had taken a liking to the intricate carvings, over paid for it and used it to hide important things inside. Things that his overly curious and sticky beaked son was not allowed to touch. Coincidentally, it was this very chest in which Snape had found the chiengora sweater in the first place.
Snape's acquisitiveness eventually got the better of him and decided to open it. The dark magic he had ingrained into the wood had been an innovation of his own design. Only with his own blood could the chest be opened. It had been some of the very first dark magic he had begun to manipulate and he had been so proud of himself. Dragging the chest towards him he flipped back a bronze shield covering the lock revealing a small platform no bigger than his thumb. Taking the knife off his unfinished plate he licked it clean and sliced a small incision into his index finger. Placing his finger on the platform and he felt a familiar rush through his body as dark magic began to draw his blood into the grain. The blood ran through the grooves in the cravings until the entire hope chest was outlined with thick fluid. On cue a loud click resounded around the room, Snape faintly removed his finger from the platform and flipped the lid open.
The hope chest did not hold any items of monetary worth but what little was there was of sentimental value. In the holiday period, the Dark Lord had burdened Snape with Peter Pettigrew's presence, for reasons Snape could only explain as a watchful punishment. Not one to advertise his life, Snape had collected what items he felt were necessities and sealed them in the chest with the rest of his suppressed memories and weaknesses. As he shuffled through the items he found several things he had not seen since his early twenties. Some records, a small felt case containing his muggle grandfather's war medal, several bundles of muggle and wizard photographs, a shrunken chest full of potion tools and a small black diary resting on top that belonged to his mother, a shoe box with 'Lily' written on it, several Dark Arts books that were illegally acquired, a dark curio, several bound letters, an unopened brown package, a plethora of labelled vials filled with memories and other paraphernalia he had acquired throughout the course of his life.
Running his hand along the corked memory vials he pulled out one of them. Rotating it slowly in his hand he read his mother's familiar penmanship, 1962-Lysergide Philter Test One. Gently he placed the vial back in the chest a pulled out more one by one to inspect them, 1963-Empathogenic Philter Test One, 1965-Hallucinogenic Philter Test Five, 1962 – Felix Philter Test One (Fail),1965-Mar/Extract Philter Test Three, there was over twenty vials pertaining to this nature and documented his mother's illicit creations. Eileen Prince came from a long family of Potioneers that were known for their inventiveness and obsessive natures towards innovation and progress. As such, Eileen had a penchant for creating psychological enhancing potions that would heighten the drinkers experiences. Together, Eileen and Tobias had ran a series of underground illicit potion trades to wizards and muggles alike from London to Dublin. Snape had never viewed the memories, for he had once seen the result of a testing first hand himself and it had not been enjoyable. Keeping the vials was simply to pay homage to his mother's praxis regardless of their intended purposes.
Slowly he shuffled his belongings around until he found a medium sized item wrapped in butchers paper and hemp twine. Pulling it out he unwrapped it to reveal the *chiengora sweater. It was exactly as he remembered it and it felt even softer than it had in his dreams. Burying his face in it he was welcomed with a sense of comfort and home, it confused him how a garment could provide such a feeling considering it reminded him of his broken childhood. Maybe it was because it was the only evidence that Tobias had been nice to him but that kind of sentimentality left Snape beside himself. Deciding against putting it on Snape folded the garment on the bed next to him; after all it did try to choke him to death.
Having satisfied his inane curiosity he went to close the chest but found his attempt waning. Instead he reached in and extracted a Bill Withers record and the shoe box labelled 'Lily'. Scanning the room he found a large jar he was planning to use for specimens, summoned it and transfigured the jar into a turntable. Removing the record from its paper cover he placed it gently on the turntable. Throwing several silencing charms over his bedroom he tapped the turntable twice and charmed the record to spin. Music began to fill the room and Snape's shoulders sagged as the familiar song began.
Aint no sunshine when she's gone. . . it's not warm when she's away. . . aint no sunshine when she's gone and she's always gone too long any time she goes away
Not many people knew that Bill Withers was a half-blood wizard. Snape had saved for months to purchase the record for Lily as a gift but by the time he had summoned the courage to give it to her she had grown weary of the song. Rising from the bed Snape shut the lid of the chest and watched his blood ooze from the grain and seep into his sheets. Pushing the chest under the bed he muttered tergeo and removed the blood from the stained sheets. Perching himself on the bed, he methodically placed each item he had extracted in front of him. Running a quivering hand through his hair he tried to talk himself out of opening Pandora's box labelled 'Lily'.
Wonder this time where she's gone. . . wonder if she's gone to stay. . . ain't no sunshine when she's gone and this house just ain't no home, any time she goes away.
The box found its way into Snape's hands. It was worn, dusty and had several novelty stickers with slogans like Leaves you breathless and Flick your Bic that he had tried to scratch off by hand. It was relatively light but weighed heavily on his heart. Dumbledore had not allowed Snape to attend Lily Potter's funeral, whether it was a sick punishment or out of inappropriateness Snape had never bothered to ask. It had not really mattered, only the fact that he had been barred saying his last farewell resonated with him. Instead at Dumbledore's instruction Snape had been told to alleviate himself of any personal affects pertaining to Lily as they would become distracting during his training. This box held everything that ever meant anything at all to him.
I must not open this box. It will be my undoing. All my years of Intelligence training and my disciplinary Occlumency will leave me. I will not be able to leave this room for days and Dumbledore will be sure to find me, make an example of me or perhaps he will be merciful and kill me. If I could be so lucky
. . I know, I know, I know, hey, I oughtta leave young thing alone but ain't no sunshine when she's gone. . .
I really need something stronger than this piss Vector gave me. Need some firewhisky. . .
Slowly Snape's eyes drifted shut to the music and he saw her. A few inches away from his face, vibrant hair floating angelically around her face and her eyes were wide and life like, it was painful to look at. Stubbornly he kept his eyes shut and the woman lowered her hand to the box and rested her hand over it. The pity in her eyes was antagonizing but her message was clear.
My sweet Lily - a lost treasure never to be mine again. I have made the greatest sacrifice to secure your son's survival yet you haunt me every time I close my eyes. I can't touch you or hear you and it drives me to the point of pure insanity. Is that your wish? For me to eternally suffer and reject any notion of my own salvation. A behest to commit treason befalls me and it will fracture my soul, my already crippled soul, into a thousand tiny pieces. Since you were taken all the good inside me has died and is decaying within me. I am drowning in a sea of self-loathing and this lack of self-control I fear will never end, it consumes me and its painful. Regrettably all that I have worked for to ensure your happiness in the afterlife has waned and your son must die. I wish I could die. . . . .he could of been our son.
Opening his eyes he ripped the lid of the box and looked inside. Pandora's box had never looked so organised and for such a tiny space Snape certainly knew how to utilize it. Full, quite full and systematically organised, there was photographs, letters; given and stolen items and a small glass jar with a wilted flower inside it. Breathing heavy Snape distractedly reached out for his sweater and dug his hand into the soft fibres.
Down the rabbit hole. Fate is so unkind
. . . aint no sunshine when she's gone . . only darkness when she's gone
There was no turning back.
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