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"Why Me?"	By : SpeedyTomato Category: Harry Potter > Slash - Male/Male Views: 88137 -:- Recommendations : 4 -:- Currently Reading : 8
Disclaimer: I don't own Harry Potter and make no money off this work of extreme insanity.

Chapter List
- 6
- 7
- 8
Beta'd by the amazing Tenchi. Love you, woman, you're the best!

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Chapter 7:

Doms, spiders and makeovers, oh my!

Sitting at the table after the humiliating run through the house, Lucius was steadfastly focusing on his food, refusing to look at the amused faces around him. He hated this, he really did, but didn't know a way around it. He knew that the bond wouldn't let them hurt each other, however, he was now wondering if there wasn't a part of it that had determined something like an 'alpha' that dictated behavior. That was possible from what he knew of bonds and what had just happened. No, he hadn't been hurt, but he assumed that the bond wouldn't have allowed that—debacle to transpire otherwise. Black would also fit that mold perfectly with what he knew of the man. Though that thought was very exciting and the visions it produced were enough to make his flesh rise more, he gave an internal sigh at the thought that Black might be the one to dictate how things went from this point forward. That thought made him slump slightly. However, on the plus side, if that were the case and there were more shows like the 'fun run', as Black had termed it, he knew how to end it. Hence the reason he was going to stick as close to Harry as he possibly could from this point out. Grabbing and holding onto the young man was something he felt certain would work to stop whatever incident was happening before it grew legs and started to run once more.

Poking at his food, consuming some as he listened to the talk around the table, he lifted his eyes and looked at Lupin when the man said his name.

Passing over the note he had received with the chocolates last night, eyes a little wider than normal, Remus said, “I've already started panicking!”

Taking the note, Lucius skimmed it then sighed and shook his head, “Yes, panic is now warranted. My suggestion would be to remain resolute in your unwillingness and he will eventually fixate on someone else. Up to this point, he's not ever fully fixated on someone to the exclusive nature that he can't be distracted.”

Taking that as sound advice, Remus nodded. “I will! Severus said he has someone he can point him to!”

Leaning over and reading the letter, Harry asked, still eating, “Who is that?” He was curious about who might appeal to this version of Voldemort and wondered whether he should warn any of his friends to start hiding just in case it was them.

“Diggory,” Severus said, sipping his tea, looking smug.

Snorting, completely amused, Harry shook his head. That was a wonderful vision! “That might work!” Cedric—well, he had gotten strange over the last couple years. He wasn't sure what was going on there, but thought Diggory might need a prolonged stay in St. Mungos to get some help!

“It may,” Severus conceded, nodding. “Since breaking up with Chang, he's gone rather off the deep end. I don't know what he fancies himself to be right now, though I keep hearing it's a self-professed vegetarian vampire of some kind, but that whole sparkling thing that he has the spell set up to do, not to mention the emo, stalkerish behavior, is beyond bizarre. The Dark Lord might find it entirely amusing and be curious, thus getting him off track.”

Liking what he was hearing, Remus nodded vigorously, “I appreciate it, Severus!”

Giving a dismissive wave, Severus said, “Nothing to worry about. If nothing else, the comedic effect of what could come from it will be amusing.” At this juncture of his life, he needed the small things that gave one amusement to keep from going off the deep end himself. This—it could be interesting to watch!

Leaning over, having Harry explain the whole situation with Cedric, Sirius then snorted and rolled his eyes. “Something is off there, that's for sure! Is everyone sure it's not a spell of some kind?”

“No idea,” Harry said, taking another bite of food while he shook his head. “It's definitely strange though! He was getting really bats before he graduated. Since then it's gotten even worse.”

“I think it's just a grab for attention, nothing more. After all, he's learning that some females seem to go for that whole bloodsucker thing,” Severus told Black, fighting the urge to roll his eyes. “It's about as bad as Crouch Jr. doing that whole wibbly-wobbly timey-wimey stuff he's prone to at meetings. Fancies himself to be Dr. Who or something. I don't know. I think there is something in the water or air that is rendering some senseless and completely off their rocker. You have me there as to what it might be.”

“Completely mental,” Sirius said with a shake of his head, finishing off his food, shoving the plate aside. Picking up his coffee and sipping it, he looked at the dejected Malfoy and said, “I think, maybe, I have a room for you and it can be made to where it has your own bath attached.”

Perking up at that, Lucius looked at Black then motioned for him to go on. Perhaps that was something he could focus on to get his mind off of how bad this was.

“Between my room and mother's there is a small room that her and father used for--” stopping, he shuddered, not even wanting to think about it. “Anyway, I'm sure you know the kind and what it was for. It's not been touched since father died, and probably not for some time before that. It has an attachment to both baths. The entrance is hidden between the two rooms. I can get into it, of course. It might work. You'll have to put an expansion charm on it and have the elves rework some things, but you can have it.”

Liking what he was hearing, Lucius nodded. He knew the type of room; it was one traditional Pureblood couples uses for marital relations. If that's the type of room it was, it would work well. Not only would it probably satisfy the bond by being close to the other two, he would have his own room with an en suite. “This could work well, yes.”

“There are some spanners here, Malfoy,” Sirius warned. “That thing hasn't been opened in forever. You're going to have to clean out some pests before the elves can even start on it. Nor do I know what shape it's in. If the house was this bad when it was opened, that room might be unusable, not to mention having plenty of foul things in it you'll have to handle.”

Considering that, Lucius nodded slowly. “I'll have a look after breakfast and see what is needed. Pest control shan't be a problem. I can take that on and it'll give me something to do.” Stopping, sipping his tea after finishing his meal, he pushed the plate back then said, tone thoughtful, “I do believe I should set the elves on the rest of the house anyway. It is in a bad state. Perhaps some redecorating is in order.” Stopping, he looked at Black and waited for his reaction.

“Do what you want, just leave my room and my old one alone,” Sirius told him with a dismissive wave.

“Yes, I believe the elves will be busy today,” Lucius said, pleased with that. “As we work, I'll consult you as to what you want saved. They will also be buying all new linens, tableware and whatnot.” Again, there was nothing but a dismissive wave from Black on that, something that he was happy with. At least there was some good that was coming out of this nightmare. Maybe, perhaps, if he could find a smallish sized unoccupied room on either the very top floor or in the basement, he could set up a tiny 'playroom' type thing like he had at the manor. With having two bond-mates, mayhaps he might be able to use it! That was a thought he liked and would do some exploring today then get with Black if he could find something. Oh, that would be enjoyable.

Sipping his tea, he pondered what he had to do then glanced at Potter, who was sitting next to him. Looking at the state of the young man's pajamas, not to mention that they seemed to be made for someone the size of an elephant, then remembered what his normal clothes looked like, he said, “Harry, one would think that you would have better sense in how you dress. Those clothes are not only hideous, but ill fitting!” He was about to add an offer to help find the young man something more suitable, when there was what could only be termed a snarl from Black. Looking in the man's direction, his eyes widening at the look on his face, Lucius then grabbed hold of Potter and pulled him close, stroking his head, shrinking down to hide, somewhat, behind Harry. Hastily, he added, “I was going to offer to take you out shopping to buy you something more suitable!”

Harry had been about to put a fork-full of eggs in his mouth, planning to answer the man, when Malfoy grabbed him. Startled, his fork jiggled then the eggs went flying across the table and smacked Snape full in the face. Making a face, squirming as he felt Malfoy's newly birthed erection, Harry rolled his eyes. “Bloody hell,” he mumbled, shaking his head. Seeing Snape glower in his direction, swiping at the egg on his face, he sighed then whispered to Lucius, “Shouldn't you be light headed from the speed the blood flowed down south or something?”

“He is rather exciting when he does that,” Lucius whispered back, eyes locked on Black who was shooting him a deadly look. “Can't be helped, oh so sorry.”

“Just great, another one that gets all stupid when someone goes all dom on them,” Harry sighed, rubbing his eyes and shaking his head.

“Another?” Lucius asked, curious about whom he was referring to.

“Ron,” Harry just huffed, shooting Sirius a look to tell him everything was fine so he didn't get caught in the middle of whatever again.

Having slid over, about to lecture Malfoy on manners and that he would not be allowed to talk to Harry like that, Sirius' eyebrows went up. Chuckling, he asked, “Hermione?”

“Who else?” Harry told him, rolling his eyes once more.

“Why am I not surprised,” Sirius chortled, shaking his head. “He call her mistress? Somehow that wouldn't surprise me.” Taking a sip of his coffee, amused, Sirius was grinning internally.

“Actually, I think he calls her mommy or something like that. At least that's what it sounds like when she startles him and he kinda' yelps,” Harry muttered.

Having a mouthful of coffee when Harry said that, Sirius almost choked, spewing it across the table, getting Severus right in the face. Dying laughing, he choked out, “You're joking!”

“I'm not,” Harry grinned, looking at the disgruntled Snape who was now glowering at Sirius.

Completely amused, filing that away for later use, Lucius asked, “Does she try with you as well?”

“Oh, she tries,” Harry snorted.

“And what do you do?” The elder Malfoy asked, decidedly curious.

Giving Lucius a look that clearly spoke of the fact that he thought the man was completely off his nut, he said, “I run away and hide! She doesn't even need to start getting ideas about including me in that!”

“Smart man!” Sirius laughed, wiping his mouth off.

Though not at all liking the fact that he had been coated with both eggs and spit coffee, Snape added, tone smooth, “You have more brains than I've given you credit for, Mr. Potter.” With that, he added the new found knowledge to what he could use to get himself through trying days that were sure to come with a greater frequency. After all, it was the little things that got one through the day without losing your mind!

Shaking his head, smirking, completely amused, Lucius said, “Well, yes, I can see this. She does seem the type.” Changing topics, he looked at Black, stroking Harry's hair, then said, “I phrased what I said wrong. What I meant was to offer to take you to get something more fitting and not in such bad of shape, Harry. No insult intended.”

“None taken,” Harry said after wiggling slightly loose then trying to finish his food. “The clothes were Dudley's. I wasn't going to buy anything new. I mean, Aunt Petunia and Uncle Vernon hate everything magical. I doubt that would extend to money, however, especially if they knew I had a whole vault full and it could be converted to Muggle money. Sorry, I can put up with ill fitting clothes to keep the money I have!”

“I guess we never thought about it that way,” Sirius admitted. “We'll take you out tomorrow and get you what you want.”

“Yes, good idea,” Lucius nodded, releasing the young man now that Black had calmed down. “I'll get a list together of what is needed and we can make a day of it. Severus and Remus can chaperone to appease the barmy headmaster.”

Though looking dour at the thought of a shopping trip, Severus said nothing. In the scheme of things, doing something like that would keep him out of the castle and away from the horrific headmaster that seemed to be becoming more delusional with each passing day. He supposed that he could deal with that.

Squealing like a little girl, dancing around in circles, swiping at the spider webs covering him, Lucius ran out of the room, drawing his wand and pointing it at the open doorway when he managed to stumble out lest one of the beasties in there come after him. Shaking, still swiping at the webs covering him, panting heavily, he snarled, “Black! This is—oh, this is a nightmare!”

Sitting in a chair in the hall by the door, leaning back, legs crossed, Sirius chuckled, “I told you!” He, Harry and Remus had taken up posts here to watch the fun. So far, it was a laugh riot! There were massive Padfoot sized spiders in there that were reluctant to give up their home, not to mention plenty of dead husks of one's along with the bones of their prey. This was going to be well worth watching to see how Lucius dealt with it. Not to mention his reaction to it. So far, that was worth the price of admission in and of itself! Lucius, it didn't appear, was afraid of spiders, they just unnerved him. That he could understand considering the size of the things in that room.

Wand trained on the room, Lucius panted heavily, keeping a wary eye on the open door. Right now, he was trying to best formulate how to eradicate the beasts in a way that brought him into as little contact as he could manage. Then he had to clear out the carcasses. His elves couldn't do that as even the dead ones were poisonous. This was—bleck!

Sitting there, trying not to chuckle, Remus shook his head. Yes, this was highly amusing, that's for sure, but he thought maybe he should be a little helpful. “Lucius? A suggestion?”

Nodding, motioning for the werewolf to continue on, Lucius went back to swiping at the webs covering him, wand trained on the room while he kept a wary eye out for anything that might try to exit it.

“You may want to do something like kill the spiders then shoot them over the railing to a drop cloth or something. Let Severus have whatever you find, including the dead ones. He can use the parts for many things. Some of what is in there would be quite useful to him,” Remus suggested helpfully. “What parts he can't use, he will know how to dispose of properly or know someone that can take them for use.”

Not seeing a downside to this and it would be far easier than trying to deal with all the creatures himself, Lucius nodded. Wand leveled at the door, snarling as he saw one of the arachnids coming towards it, he shot a curse at the creature that killed it instantly. Summoning an elf, he gave instructions to lay out a drop cloth under where the railing was on the bottom floor. When the creature popped away, he cleaned himself off, cast an Impervious then marched back into the room, head held high, fully planning to do battle and win. Before the afternoon was done, this room would be pest free and the elves would be cleaning it, getting it ready for his habitation!

Snickering, Sirius shook his head. Summoning one of the elves, he had them bring some beverages and popcorn to eat while they watched. After all, this was bound to be hilarious!

Walking into Grimmauld Place after a short meeting with the Dark Lord to keep him apprised of what was going on, plus to plant the seed about Diggory, Severus stopped on his way to the kitchen, brow furrowed. There were strange noises around that he couldn't quite place what they were. Drawing his wand, knowing that was prudent with who was in the house and some of what they were apt to be up to, he then made his way in the direction from which the sounds were emanating.

Stepping into the area around the stairs, he stared at the drop cloth on the floor, wondering what in Merlin's bloody bristly beard this was for. Was it a trap of some kind? When it came to the mentality of Black, he wouldn't put it past the man to come up with something so oddball and strange. However, if it was, what was it for? Unable to figure it out, he cast a couple spells on it to see if it was imbued with magic. When it came back as nothing but a normal piece of canvas with a spell to cushion, he stepped onto it warily. Again, nothing happened. Shaking his head, he figured he was just going to have to question whomever it was that put it there when he heard an almost panicked gibbering sound then what could only be termed a high pitched screech. Looking up, recognizing the voice as coming from Lucius, his eyes widened as he saw the monstrous sized arachnid plummeting down towards him from over the railing on the third floor. Quickly, he tried to step out of the way, but didn't move fast enough and the creature landed right on top of him, splattering, covering him with goop. Glaring up towards the railing just as another large sized spider dropped on him, he ground his teeth. Oh, someone, somewhere, was going to get hurt over this.

Wand clutched tightly in his hand as he tried to eradicate the spider goo that was now coating him, he made a beeline straight for the top floor, certain that Black and/or Potter were behind this. If they were, hexes were going to be thrown and revenge had!

Stomping into the third floor hallway, still covered in ichor that he couldn't remove and would probably only come off from a shower, Severus was ready to kill. Seeing Black, Potter and Lupin all lounging on chairs in the hallway, eating what looked and smelled like popcorn, he leveled his wand at them, fully planning to exact revenge. However, he stopped when he heard some kind of high pitched warbling sound from Lucius, something that resembled a bird's mating call, if it was being strangled that was, before the blond danced out of some room, covered in spider webs, swiping at them. Then he levitated a massive spider out and sent it over the railing. Eyes narrowing, he watched the Malfoy patriarch stiffen up, wand leveled at the doorway he had come out of then stomp back into the room as though he were headed into battle. Second later, after another sound that could only be termed a squeal, Lucius came back out, shooting another spider over the railing. Glowering at the blond, Severus was slightly disappointed at the fact it wasn't Black or Potter, but was still vowing revenge.

Stepping closer, he leveled his wand at Lucius, clearing his throat.

Hearing a familiar sound, Lucius, trying to swipe at the nastiness that now seemed to be coating him, looked in that direction. Eyes widening when he saw Severus standing there, covered in some kind of unnamable nastiness, he said, “Ye gods, man, what happened to you!”

Shooting a couple nasty hexes as Lucius, disappointed that the blond was apparently fast enough to block them, he snarled, “Signs around the drop cloth would have been nice so someone unsuspecting wouldn't walk under the spider drop, Lucius!”

Straightening his hair after Severus was done trying to hex him, Lucius snorted, “We all assumed that everyone would see the drop cloth and avoid it, knowing it was there for a reason.”

Grinding his teeth at the implication that he had been an idiot, Severus shot a stinging hex at Lucius, giving a grim smile when it hit home then stomped off to find a quick shower.

Huffing at the stinging hex, Lucius watched Severus go, shaking his head. “Well, it's his own fault,” he commented to no one in particular. Stiffening his spine, he leveled his wand back at the doorway to the room then stomped back in, preparing to go back into battle with the vile arachnids! So far, he was doing quite well eradicating them. Not only that, killing them was wonderful for working out frustrations. Yes, this worked well.

Sitting there, tossing some more popcorn in his mouth, Harry was snickering at the latest version of what they were now calling Lucius' 'Spider Dance', something the man made when he came out of the room after dealing with something fairly nasty. However, as he was about to poke Sirius and rate this version of it, his eyes widened and jaw dropped as he saw Snape coming in their direction. Rubbing a hand over his eyes to make sure he wasn't hallucinating, he jabbed Sirius with his elbow then tried to speak, but could only make some kind of garbled, stunned noise. Oh, this was strange, that's for sure!

Looking up, wondering what was going on, Sirius glanced at Snape then burst out laughing, unable to help himself. Clutching onto his sides, he doubled over, howling. This was a riot.

Hearing the noise, Lucius came out of the room, looking around, bewildered. Looking at Black and the stunned Potter, he then glanced in the direction they were gawking. Immediately, a smooth, smug look slid across his face. Crossing his arms over his chest as the glowering Severus stepped closer, he said, smugly, “You were a bit too grumbly with Nagini, weren't you?”

Snarling at the howling Black and wondering what the look on Potter's face was about, not to mention the stunned one on Lupin's, Severus glared at Lucius, “What are you yammering about?”

Unable to help himself, Lucius conjured a mirror and held it up for Severus to look into. “Those are interesting colors, Severus! I wouldn't have thought they would go with black, but they manage. Tom does have a way with color schemes, that's for certain!”

Looking in the mirror, Severus was immediately horrified. His hair—it was neon pink with day-glo yellow streaks in it. Then there appeared to be what could only be termed rave makeup on his face. Dropping the mirror, not even allowing himself the pleasure of hearing the smash, he pinched the bridge of his nose. Oh, this wasn't good. Yes, the Dark Lord was 'miffed' at him. Nagini had apparently not liked the threat to dissolve her in acid because she was overly enthused with her snugglings, thus making it feel like she was trying to crush his ribcage. Shaking his head, he muttered to Lucius, “See if it can be removed.”

Looking completely amused, Lucius cast what he hoped was a counter to no avail. Trying a couple more spells, none of them working, he then said, “Well, it appears that Tom has made it to where it's going to have to fade out. I'm sorry, you're stuck like this for a couple days.”

Having feared that, Severus gave a disgruntled sigh, shaking his head. Casting a glamour to cover the hideous colors and makeup, he stiffened his spine while glowering at everyone there, something that make Black howl louder. Potter, it appeared, was just stunned, unable to stop staring at him though he had hid the 'makeover'. Sneering, he said, “I'm going to be in the kitchen if you need me, with a bottle of firewhiskey. I would suggest you don't disturb me until I pass out unless you want to be hexed.” Then, mustering all the dignity he could manage after such a debacle, he stormed off down the stairs, fully planning to drink himself into unconsciousness.

Watching the man go, Lucius snorted, amused. Stiffening his own spine, he rounded on his room then leveled his wand at the open door. It was once more time to go back to the arachnid battle! Stomping in, spine stiff, he muttered, “Come out, you nasty buggers! It's time for you to die!”

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"Why Me?"