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Returning to Sanity	By : AchillesTheGeek Category: Harry Potter > Slash - Male/Male > Harry/Draco Views: 31212 -:- Recommendations : 0 -:- Currently Reading : 3
Disclaimer: I do not own the Harry Potter books or films, nor the characters from it. I do not make any money from the writing of this story.

Chapter List
- 6
- 7
- 8
AUTHOR'S NOTE:
3 And, as the Cock crew, those who stood before

The Tavern shouted-"Open then the Door!

"You know how little while we have to stay,

"And, once departed, may return no more."
from The Rubaiyat of Omar Khayyam,

as translated by Edward Fitzgerald
7. Once Departed. May Return No More
Tuesday, May 5 1998
While Harry always remembered the whole of the Lupins' funeral with crystal clarity, he would find later that Colin's and Lavender's funerals were a hazy jumble of memories. Of course it didn't help that while his sleep the night before had been dreamless, it had also been restless. He woke up tired, grumpy and unrefreshed.
"You all right, mate?" Ron said, a note of concern in his voice. "Maybe you'd be better off staying in bed for the day rather than attending the funerals."
Harry was tempted, but he couldn't really let that happen; he was committed to going, so he forced a smile and jumped out of bed.
"I'll be right. I have to go to the funerals. After all, if you don't go to other people's funerals, how can you expect them to come to yours?"
"Right," Ron said, and then, when the point hit him, he laughed. Harry laughed with him, and the mood lightened considerably.
"Mate, I've been thinking about what you said last night," Ron suddenly blurted out. "I watched you and Malfoy yesterday, and I see what you mean about becoming friends –you two sitting together should have been all wrong, but it was cool."
"You sure, Ron?" Harry asked, "after all, he did nearly kill you with that poison!"
"Yeah," Ron replied with a grin, "but he didn't kill me, did he? And he wasn't trying to kill me. And he was being forced to act by a madman who had his whole family to ransom." A thought struck him, and he looked a bit uncomfortable as he said, "I guess, if you become friends, I'm going to have to put up with him, right?"
Harry was amazed that his friend could say that, that he could accept Malfoy becoming a part of their lives without complaint. It hit him again that the Weasleys really did love him.
It was the first emotional moment of a day that turned out to be full of them. He had expected the day to be less emotional than the one before: the young photographer had been a friend, yes, and Lavender too, once she'd stopped doubting that Voldemort had returned, and joined Dumbledore's Army; but he didn't love them like he'd loved Remus (and Tonks, he added: but if he was honest, Remus had been closer.) But emotions don't work like that; "the heart has its reasons of which reason knows nothing at all" as a famous Muggle philosopher (*) had once said. Reason told him that it was a day, it had been continuous; but in his heart, it was more a set of unconnected events, each somehow quite separate from the others. It reminded him of Dudley listening to CDs: he'd play a bit and then suddenly skip to another song when he was getting bored.
He remembered …

Standing outside, waiting to go in, the wind whipping up, rather cold for May, and the clouds racing along, covering and uncovering the sun, so that there was a constant alternation between light and dark.

Fred collared Neville again, and they were seated as before, except that Malfoy wasn't there: Harry, Gin, Neville, George, Fred. Why Neville? he wondered. Not that he minded at all, but he knew the twins well enough to have a sixth sense about when they were up to something. Which wasn't particularly difficult; they were nearly always up to something. But what were they up to that involved Neville?

The officials had again asked him if he wanted to speak, but he declined this time. He felt it would have been intruding. But he found out that in fact standing up and speaking had been cathartic, giving his emotions release during the service, and having to sit quietly and keep his emotions in check throughout the whole service made him very tense.

Standing at the graveside brought home that he had lived with Colin for five years. It had sort of happened without him noticing, but it meant he'd known him nearly a third of his life, and for most of his life as a wizard; Harry often thought that the years before he found out he was a wizard shouldn't really count. He would have loved to be able to just forget them altogether.
He had the same feeling later, at Lavender's graveside. His schoolmates had left him alone at the Lupins' funeral, knowing that his relationship with Remus was very special and individual; but somehow today they knew to crowd round him, after each interment, and he was very glad of their company.

As they walked back to the chapel, he found himself next to Colin's parents, and began to introduce himself to Mr. and Mrs. Creevey.
"Oh Harry," Mrs. Creevey said through her tears, "of course we know who you are. We've seen your photo so many times. Colin practically worshipped you. Thank you so much for coming today. It means so very much to us to know how much he was loved by his friends."
That did it. His control broke and tears flowed down his face freely. He felt a strong arm come around him; it felt … safe. He looked round into the tear-filled brown eyes of Auror Robin Banks. Harry couldn't believe that he had missed how handsome the man was: chestnut brown hair framing a vibrant and youthful face. He guessed that before he'd seen him as an Auror, not as a person.
"It's OK, Harry, we all miss him." In answer to an unspoken question, he added, "He was one of my cousins."
Harry wondered aloud why he'd never heard about the Auror before. As he said it, he realized it sounded like he didn't believe Robin, but he took it in his stride, replying:
"I went to Durmstrang. My parents live in Germany – my father is the British Ambassador to the Bundesministerium der Magie, the German equivalent of our Ministry of Magic – and I grew up there."
"OK, and then you became an Auror here?"
"Oh yes, I didn't really want to live in Germany myself – we moved there when I was ten, and I always wanted to come back here. I got through Durmstrang pretty quickly, and went through an accelerated training programme the Germans have for gifted students, so I came over here and was accepted as a fully qualified Auror when I was only eighteen."
Harry gaped. If there was a touch of pride in his voice as he said this, it was quite understandable. This was at least three years younger than the age a British wizard could become an Auror.
'So how old are you now?" Harry asked.
"Just turned twenty; Saturday was my birthday – and you've made it extra special!" he replied, with a chuckle. "Anyway, Colin and I didn't have very much to do with each other growing up; but of course, family is family. Every time I saw him he was always prattling on about two things: photography, and Harry Potter."
"Thank you, Auror Banks," Harry whispered, humbled and embarrassed by the testimonial. Damn! Why did I call him that?
"I thought I was 'Robin'? I hoped we might be becoming friends," he replied, sounding hurt.
"Yes, sorry, and I hope so, too. I mean, we are, yeah?" Robin nodded at this, somehow managing to follow Harry's rather incoherent reply. "I'm sorry, I just get tongue-tied when I feel, um, embarrassed; and I didn't know if you'd mind, you know, the twins finding out and all …"
"The twins finding out what?" Fred asked. He and George had been walking back with Neville and Ginny, Harry noticed; they must have come over to check up on their "little brother".
"My first name," the Auror stated. "It's Robin. Always has been," he added, looking at Harry with a twinkle in his eye. Harry got the message. Yeah, like he'd be bothered. He's lived with it all his life.
"Robin / Banks," said the twins, both faces erupting into huge grins. "We'd like to meet your parents / they sound like just our type!"
Robin chuckled. "Yes, I suppose they are rather; come on then," he said, and let go of Harry, pointing the twins towards a couple walking a few feet away.
Harry felt guilty about his treatment of the Auror. Robin must have noticed, because just as he took the twins over to his parents, he said, "no harm done, Harry, I can cope with these two just fine," and Harry knew it was true. He had gained a new friend.

The twins, chatting to Ambassador and Mrs. Banks, dawdled a bit, and Harry reached the refreshment room well before them. He hung back a little, standing hidden in a little porch, hesitant to go in by himself; he was a bit gun-shy of being ambushed by reporters. That's how he overheard the conversation between the twins, who were now by themselves.
"You really think he'd make a good partner, then?" George asked.
"You do," Fred answered. Harry smiled the answer; it was exactly how their bizarre relationship worked.
"Yeah," George replied, and Harry could hear in his voice the smile that must be on his face.
Harry walked out, his face showing the confusion that was racing through his mind. He? Who were they talking about? They must mean Neville, surely – why else had he been included so much in the last two days? But it didn't seem to make much sense – what could Neville bring to Weasley's Wizard Wheezes, their joke-shop business? Perhaps his incredible knowledge of herbology would have some spin-off he couldn't see, but it was a mystery to him.
When the twins saw him, they separated; George went in, presumably to make sure they didn't miss out on the food, while Fred stepped over to Harry.
"What's up, little brother? Your face is all a-bother."
Harry decided not to mention his unintended eavesdropping and just discuss the seating. "I notice Neville seems to have become a rather close friend all of a sudden, sitting with us again; is there something I don't know about going on?" Fred looked very innocent. Which was practically an admission of guilt. "I know you're up to something!"
"Yep," came the reply, with a wink. "Match-making."
"Grub's up!" called George, and Fred legged it before Harry could ask any more questions.

The thing that stood out most at Lavender's funeral was a moment when they were all seated quietly, just before the service started. Ron and Hermione were behind him, Ginny, Neville, George and Fred seated along from him, and Molly and Arthur in front. He had this lovely feeling of being family again. And then suddenly it all crumbled as what Fred had said hit him hard.
Match-making?
It could only mean Neville and Ginny! His heart started racing and his breathing became shallow. Well, he thought, trying to calm himself down, that's good, right? Gin and I aren't together at the moment, and she's not sure if we will be, and neither am I if I'm honest … OK, so that's all good. He started breathing deeper and more slowly. But … there were Nev and Gin, and Ron and Hermione, and Molly and Arthur, and the twins had each other…. Everyone else was paired off. Suddenly, surrounded by family, he felt very alone.

It had hurt him very deeply. He'd kept it inside for the rest of the day. That was what he did now, push his feelings down. Part of him didn't want to, wanted to yell, or cry, or have hysterics, or punch a fist through a wall. But he couldn't. When they all sat down for afternoon tea, he just sat with a mug of tea in his hands, not saying anything. He didn't think anyone noticed; there were plenty of Weasleys to keep the conversation going, and Arthur was especially talkative; he was very excited about having met the Creeveys and discussed Muggle things with them. Harry suspected, reading between the lines, that they had been quite grateful for it too: he guessed that Arthur's interest in them had helped them feel part of the wizarding world, part of Colin's life, in a way that they hadn't been able to before.
He hadn't had to say much at dinner, either, because Bill and Fleur showed up, and so naturally the attention was all turned on them. It was agreed that the whole family, "including my extra children," Molly had said, looking pointedly at Harry and Hermione, would visit Shell Cottage for lunch the next day.
He found out after dinner that his withdrawing into silence most certainly had been noticed. Ginny tackled him about it, in typically direct fashion.
"OK, Harry, you haven't said two words all evening. What's going on in that head of yours?" Gin asked.
"Oh Gin …" he began. But what to say?
"You can't stop there, Harry," she replied, grinning, "even if it is two words!"
This made him snort with amusement. "Yeah, OK, it's just …" He took a deep breath. "Look, I love you guys, I really do, I just … oh, I'm sorry …"
Ginny's heart melted at the puppy-dog face he was making. "You're feeling a bit left out, aren't you, Harry?" Ginny asked, her voice calm and soothing. He nodded, not trusting his voice, and she wrapped him up in his arms, saying "it's OK, Harry, I know you love us; we're your family, right?"
"Yeah, but Gin, you and me … you've found someone else, right?"
Ginny inhaled sharply. Damn! She had thought she was being so discreet. "Harry … we could give it time, but you and me really isn't going to work, is it?"
"No, I guess not." He swallowed hard. That was it; as a couple, they were done.
"But you're still part of us, Harry. You still belong. I still love you; it's just, like you're my brother, OK? And nothing's going to change that."
"Yeah, but there's you two, and the twins have each other, and Molly and Arthur, and Ron has Hermione; but I'm all alone…" As Harry said that, some of the emotion he had been repressing began to come out, and the tears slid slowly down his face.
"Oh, I'm so sorry, Gin," he said, sobbing, "I should be congratulating you, you deserve better than me, and here I am wallowing in self-pity about being all alone when it's my fault we're not together…"
In the grip of emotion he had raised his voice, and obviously others had heard, because he was suddenly aware of Ron's strong arm circling around him from the left, while a familiar voice came from his right.
"Harry James Potter!" Hermione scolded. "Haven't you got it through your thick head that you have nothing to apologize for?"
"And it's not your fault, Harry – we're meant for each other, but as family, not lovers" Gin assured him.
"And mate, we care about you, we'll help you sort out this bond thing with Malfoy, remember?" Ron chimed in.
"But – but – there's nothing like that between Draco and me!" Harry spluttered.
Ginny smiled to herself. Yeah, Harry, that's why you call him Draco, now, right? she thought. But in for a Knut, in for a Galleon; if she was going to be provocative, she might as well go all out:
"Yeah, there's so little between you that he slaps you and you don't hit back," she said, her eyes twinkling with amusement.
"WHAT!" Hermione exclaimed, startling Ron, who let go of Harry in surprise. Damn, Harry thought; obviously Ron hadn't discussed yesterday's events with her. So he explained the incident from the previous morning to Hermione; Ginny and Ron already knew, of course, though Gin had not heard the details. He still left out Draco's last words; but this time he was prepared to admit to himself it was because he wanted them to be private, rather than for Draco's sake.
"And you didn't tell us about this precisely why?" Hermione demanded.
Ron looked a bit sheepish. "He did tell me last night; but I did have to ask." He turned to Harry. "Mate, what's going on? You're bottling everything up, and you seem to be a bit distant all the time. In fact, you're being more like Malfoy than yourself!"
A CLICK! went off in Harry's head, so loud he wondered who had made a noise. More like Malfoy? Did that explain this pushing down emotions? Was he learning the 'Malfoy mask'? He thought back over the last few days; was there anything else like it? He remembered one stray thought: When did I become such a Hufflepuff? That was much more Draco Malfoy than him. Hmm.
The shock must have made itself visible on his face; his friends were looking very concerned.
Questions came tumbling out.
"Do you think there's anything in that? Could it be that shield thing? Or even the bonding that Arthur was talking about?" And then the full reality of that hit him hard, and he continued, "Does that mean we'll get …" – he swallowed hard, hesitating over the next word – "married? Is that where this is going?"
Harry was getting more and more nervous as he gave voice to his concerns. He remembered what Draco had said: "I've been watching you for the last two years, wondering if that's what you wanted."
Was it? Was he … gay?
To his surprise, it was Ron who worked out what the problem was. He put his arm around his friend again.
"Harry," he said gently, "you do know that we have no problem if you're gay, right? I mean, if you like men, that's no problem; you're still you, and we still love you. And I guess if you get together with Malfoy, somehow we'll deal with it. We'll always be here for you. You'll always be part of this family, no matter what, OK?"
"OK", Harry said, non-committally, but he didn't really believe it. And they didn't believe him. And he knew they didn't believe him …
"It's just –" he began, breaking off immediately to take a deep breath, and then thinking, Gryffindor courage, Harry, and continuing, "Vernon Dudley used to rant about that sort of thing. He said all sorts of horrible things about 'queers' and 'Nancy-boys' and how depraved they are and they all end up dying in misery; I guess I just can't cope with the thought that maybe, once more, he was talking about me…"
His voice tailed off at the end. Hermione felt her heart break to see her friend so down.
"Right, we really are going, then," she said to Ron.
"Going where?" Harry asked, befuddled.
"Malfoy Manor, to get you some answers about shields and bonding," she replied, as though it were obvious. "Lucius Malfoy and I have been writing to each other during the week – you saw the book I was reading yesterday; that was from his library, a very interesting book about shield spells in general, though a bit lacking about the Haussmann shield – and he's agreed to us visiting tomorrow morning, so we'll see you at Shell Cottage for lunch."
Harry looked at her, feeling incredibly grateful; and then his guilt-gene kicked in again. He remembered he'd actually asked her to do this; how could he be so insensitive?
"Ron, you're going too?" His friend nodded. "I can't believe you guys. Hermione, how can you do this? How can you so calmly offer to go back to Malfoy Manor when you were tortured there? Ron, are you really going back there, where we were attacked and imprisoned? It might still be dangerous! I can't ask you guys to do that!"
Hermione put on her best schoolmistress voice, and ticked off her points on her fingers:
"Firstly, I've wanted to see the Malfoy library since I first heard about it in first year, and when Lucius invited me on Saturday it was all I could do not to rush over there at once. Secondly, there are Aurors there; I don't see how we'll be in any danger. Thirdly, even if we are, the two of us together have proved to be pretty good at looking after ourselves. Fourthly, I said I'd go, so I'm going. Because, fifthly, Harry Potter, you need to know what's going on here. You need help. We're your friends; we'd do anything for you. Hell, Harry, when the wizarding world needed help, when you had to die to destroy Voldemort, you walked right up and did it. So stop apologizing and accept that we're going to do this for you because we love you and you need it. And that's all I'm going to say on the subject!"
With that, she got up and left the room.
"Well, mate, I reckon you've been told." Ron said.
Harry grinned. There was obviously nothing to do but accept the situation. "Yeah, I reckon I have."

AUTHOR'S NOTE: I have set up a thread for replies at http://www2.adult-fanfiction.org/forum/index.php/topic/56042-review-replies-for-returning-to-sanity/ . I will generally try to reply to posts before posting a new chapter.

(*) Blaise Pascal (1623 – 1662). Although he said it in French: "Le cœur a ses raisons, que la raison ne connaît point."
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Returning to Sanity