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ONE LIFE TO LIVE	By : Mistress Category: Harry Potter > Het - Male/Female > Snape/Hermione Views: 9831 -:- Recommendations : 0 -:- Currently Reading : 2
Disclaimer: I don't own Harry Potter or any of the characters. Nor do I make any money off of writing in here.

Chapter List
- 6
- 7
- 8
                                                          CHAPTER SEVEN
                                                                 BELLATRIX
I watch him. Every day in school. Every moment I can lay my eyes on him. I know his pain, his struggles, his abilities. I know how brilliant he is. I even know how beautiful his Animagus form is. I know everything there is to know about him and all I want is for him to notice me. But he doesn’t. He nods to me sometimes, barely acknowledging my presence. His eyes are always on HER. The one who doesn’t want him. And I keep asking myself the same questions – “Why?” Why her? What’s so good about her, so special? Nothing. Just a common gray nobody without any real talent or passion for anything.
I am so much better. I am beautiful. Smart. Talented. Passionate. I shine brighter. I come from a respectful family. Being with me can finally give him the status he deserves. Ever since I started going to this school, I tried to show him that, but nothing I do gets his attention.
I can see his reaction the day SHE starts dating that Potter guy. He looks so… lost. Like he was betrayed and stabbed on the back. He doesn’t show it in any way. At least not in a way anyone can notice, but I do. I see his eyes. I see what hides behind that sturdy exterior. I see his pain. Hell, I can almost feel it myself. My heart aches for him. I understand how it is to love someone who will never love you back. I hate her for doing it to him. I hate her, period. But in some weird, twisted way, I feel grateful. For finally releasing him, for showing him that he is free to love someone else. In what he sees hopelessness, I see hope. Maybe, just maybe I can make him see that there is someone better for him. Someone, who can love him back. Someone worthy of everything he can give.
He seems devastated though and I decide to give him some time to come to terms with the fact that SHE will never love him back. “I can wait” I tell myself and I do. I know that he is friends with Lucius and my sister and I do everything to get closer with them. It gives some results too. Narcissa starts opening up to me. Not like she does to Andromeda of course, but it’s better than it was. I listen to her continuous chatter about Lucius and how wonderful it will be when they finally marry.
Yeah, wonderful. What a joy, being daddy’s favorite. At least he is marrying her off to someone she loves. I, on the other hand am not that lucky. On my thirteenth birthday, our father gives me my sentence. I am to marry a man twenty five years older than me. He looks at me expectantly, waiting for my reaction. I smile proudly and look him in the eyes – “Yes, father.” I throw my words as a challenge. I don’t have another choice, but if he thinks that there will be tears and some heavy begging involved, he has something completely different coming.
I will never beg. Never bow my head in defeat. He will never see my tears. I am strong, free spirited, I rebel and challenge him at every turn and… he hates me for it. The night I see my future husband, he leads me to my father’s study for a small talk. He says that he wants to get to know me a little.
– “My name is Rodolphus. It’s nice to meet you, Bella.”
- “Isn’t it?” I throw.
- “I understand that you must not be very excited to marry me, but I want to promise you that you don’t have to be afraid of anything. You will have everything you need and there is nothing I won’t do to make you happy.”
- “You can tell yourself anything you want, but that doesn’t change the fact that you are just another pervert, getting himself a young girl to molest. Well, let me promise you something too, I will never love or respect you. I will never be anything to you, other than just a body you can use in your bed. My father might have a right to sell me off to you, but you will never have me.”
He bows his head and continues to talk quietly – “I’ve never molested anyone and I am not about to start. I would never make you do anything you don’t want to. I am not a monster and I don’t want you to hate me. I know that you are still a child and thinking about sharing a bed with a man is the last thing on your mind.” He takes my hands into his and places few soft kisses on my knuckles. “I give you my word, that I will never make you do it, until you’re ready. I will be patient and I will wait till the day you come to me out of your own free will.”
- “Then prepare to be very patient, because… It. Will. Never. Happen.”
He gives me a small smile and sighs – “We don’t have to talk about it tonight. It’s our engagement party and I brought you a gift.” He pulls a small velvet box out of his pocket and enlarges it to a bigger size. “Here, this is for you. I’ve heard you like potions” If he only knew why… “I thought you might find a use for something like that.”
I open the box and see a beautiful ivory cauldron set with jade snakes running throughout. It’s expensive and very rare. I brush my fingers over the smooth surface and bring my head up to take another look at him – “Thank you. I… I didn’t get you anything.”
- “You didn’t have to. Do you like it?”
- “Yes. It’s beautiful.”
- “I’m glad that it makes you happy. As I told you, your happiness is what matters to me.”
Shortly after, the party is over and I am left in my room to think about everything that happened. One good quality that I got from my father is that I am an excellent judge of character. If this man is as sincere as he claims to be, being married to him will not be that bad. In fact, if I play it smart, I just might get whatever I want from him without giving much in return. Looks like you have lost this one, father. I smile and my thoughts return to the one my heart longs for.
I count the days and convince myself to give him enough time to get over Lily, before I can approach him. In truth, I am simply afraid. Afraid like never before, like I’ve never been afraid of anything in my entire life. Afraid of how he might look at me and what he might tell me. Days turn into weeks and weeks into months. Almost half of the school year passes before I finally gather my courage. Today is the day. I have this whole thing planned. I spend some extra time with my hair, makeup, nails.
I work my magic in front of the charmed mirror, until finally my reflection looks at me and nods in satisfaction. My stomach feels funny, like something is tickling me from the inside. Muggles call it “feeling butterflies.” I contemplate on whether or not take the calming drought and decide against it. I rather like feeling butterflies in my stomach, whatever the meaning of it is.
I gather all my books and make my way to the Great Hall for breakfast. My efforts provide some amazing results. Bigger half of the Slytherin house, has their eyes on me. Boys compliment me and girls throw hateful looks in my direction. The only one who doesn’t seem to notice anything is HIM. I take my usual seat and decide to give him (and myself) time to at least finish breakfast. Something tells me that I will need my strength for the conversation we’re about to have.
I eat quietly, going over the speech I’m about to give him. Gods, I have to get it right. If not, then he will see me as some kind of blubbering buffoon. Once I finish with my food, I take one last deep breath and get up from my seat. I take a few steps, realizing that butterflies in my stomach must have turned into a few fire-breathing dragons. Another minute of this and I’ll be burned alive. Trying to calm the pounding heart in my chest, I bring my head up and smile – “Hi Severus.”
He doesn’t turn his head to me and my first wish is to run until someone notices this, but my desire for him is greater than the shame of being laughed at, so I just keep standing there, gazing at him until I notice that familiar look on his face. I know it. It’s the same one he had when he looked at HER, before he realized that she will never return his feelings. Only this time it’s not towards Lily. My eyes follow the direction he’s looking at and I feel like I’m about to die when I realize who this look of his is addressed to. My sister. Gods, what is this? How is that even possible? Part of me wants to blame her, but deep down I know that she would never encourage him. The only thing she can ever talk about is her precious Lucius. So it’s him. Just him. Loving someone, ho can never love him back. Again.
The feeling I have now is indescribable. Part of me wants to cry and another part, wants to grab him by the collar of his shirt and start shaking until I’m able to shake some sense into him. Without another word, I make my way to the potions class.
Soon enough, my sister’s sixteenth birthday comes and my father announces the wedding date. Gods help me, but the only thing I can think about is seeing him there. Why? I don’t know. Over the last several months I’ve tried to take my mind off of him. I tried my best not to notice him, not to even look in his direction, but nothing works. Watching him looking at Narcissa hurts me, but not seeing him at all, hurts even more, so I chose the lesser one of two evils.
The closer the wedding day, the more I notice how his mood changes from bad to worse. I understand what he must feel and in some sick, unthinkable way, my heart goes out for him. Realizing that the one you love is marrying your best friend must be terrible. I wish I could do something to make him feel better. If I could, I would even try to convince my sister to give him a chance. That would probably kill me, but at least I’d die knowing that he got something he so desperately wanted.
I know that I sound pathetic, the minute I think about it. As ridiculous as this thought is, the other one I have is even more outrageous. So outrageous that it might actually work. The only thing I have to do is gather all the necessary ingredients.
Few days before the wedding and I have everything I need. I ask professor Slughorn for a few days off to help my sister with her wedding and that allows me enough time to brew what I need. Thankfully, father is too preoccupied with the wedding arrangements and I have some time to myself. The potions take me some time to perfect, but the results are spot on. I guess Severus is not the only one with talent for brewing.
Once I’m done with brewing, I hear a knock on my door.
- “Come in.” I am surprised to see Rudolphus. I haven’t seen him for a few months. “I didn’t know you were coming.”
- “I know. I just wanted to see you before your sister’s wedding. Your father told me that you took a few days off of school and I thought it’d be nice to spend some time together.”
- “I still have some homework to do.”
-“Well, for as far as I can see here, you are pretty much done with your…” he picks up the cauldrons and looks at the liquid inside, then smiles “… polyjuice potions?” He arches an eyebrow.
- “It’s not what you think. It’s the project that we’re working on at school.”
- “I think…” he shakes his head “I think you can use a new dress for the wedding. And whatever you girls usually get, to go with it.”
- “You want to buy me a new dress?”
- “Will it make you happy?”
- “I… I guess.”
- “Then yes, I do.”
I look at him quizzically – “Why?”
- “Why what?”
- “Why trying so hard? Think it will make me change my mind and jump into your bed faster?”
- “No, but I think it might give us a chance to become closer. Not in the way you think, but maybe as friends.”
- “You want to be my friend?”
- “Yes I do. I think if we’re to be married and ever have any other relationship, we should become friends first. Don’t you think so?”
- “I don’t know. I don’t have any close friends. Don’t they usually share stuff? Like what’s going on in their lives and other things like that. I don’t think we’ll be able to do it.”
- “Why won’t we try? Like you can start with who you’re trying to get close to and why trying so hard if he doesn’t notice the real you?”
- “What? You’re wrong. I’m… It’s not what you think. You don’t know what you’re talking about.”
He smiles warmly at me – “I do. I might be older than you are now, but I was as young as you once and I can see all the symptoms of being in love.”
I look at him quizzically – “And… you’re ok with it?”
- “If I say no, would it make you love him any less?”
I lower my head – “No. I’m sorry.”
- “There’s nothing to be sorry about. You’re a teenager. I’d be surprised if you wouldn’t go through things all teenagers go through. I just want you to know one thing: if he wants to notice how beautiful and smart, and precious you are…” he cups my cheek with the palm of his hand and strokes it softly “he will. Without any polyjuice potion. And if he doesn’t… then he simply doesn’t deserve you. Now, are you ready for a little shopping?”
I smile at him. Something in him intrigues me. I can’t believe someone can be that understanding. – “Can I ask you a question?”
- “Of course. Anything.”
- “Do you love me?”
He takes his time with the answer – “I care about you Bella, but to go as far as to say that I love you… I don’t think that I am quite there yet.”
- “Oh”
- “But…” he takes my hands into his and places a few soft kisses on my knuckles “I think I could learn how to love you one day. That is, if you’ll allow me.”
- “I don’t know.”
- “You don’t have to. At least for now.” He gives me a smile “For now, all you have to do, is move your behind and get dressed, before all the shops close.”
His words make me feel better. I get dressed and we spend the rest of the day shopping. Strangely enough, he knows a lot about woman’s clothing. He helps me choose the dress, shoes, accessories, even the pins for my hair. It feels nice. I can’t help thinking that this is how my sister feels every time she goes out to buy something new.
After hours and hours of shopping, I show him to one of my favorite Italian places. I laugh at the look on his face when he tries pizza for the first time.
- “How stuck up is your family, that you’ve never tried pizza before?”
He smiles at my question – “On the scale of one to ten, I’d say about a hundred. We never went to these places. House elves were in charge of cooking the food in the house and if we went out, it were only upscale restaurants.”
- “Ha, same as us. I doubt father even knows about places like this.”
- “Then how do you know about it?”
- “I am nothing like him and I never will be. I like to learn about new things. I can’t stand old traditions families like mine live by. I guess that’s what makes me a rebel in my father’s eyes. I’m not his precious little princess.”
- “You know what I think? I think you’re precious and you deserve everything this world is able to give you. Even if it’s something that your father doesn’t approve.”
- “Thank you.”
- “You’re welcome.” He looks at me warmly “Ready to get back?”
- “Yeah, I think we should. It was nice though. I really enjoyed it.”
He bows mockingly – “Then I think my work here is done.” We go outside and he offers me his hand “Hold on to me. We’ll apparate together.”
I hold on to him and in a few seconds time, we’re back in my room.
- “Thank you for showing me a good time. And for the dress. And shoes. And… everything.”
- “And thank you for showing me my new favorite dish. I think I’ll have elves make it for me from now on.”
We say our goodbyes and part. Today was nice. If only I could spend it with Severus instead.
The day of my sister’s wedding comes and goes, bringing another batch of sadness and disappointment into my heart. Rudolphus is as charming as can be. He shows up, looking amazing in his new dress robes. The expensive cut shows off the broadness of his shoulders and hugs his muscular form in all the right places, bringing out his aristocratic stature and making him look like a prince from one of muggle fairytales.
I try my best to smile and respond to all the compliments he pays me, but my eyes keep returning to the one that I truly want. Every look that he gives her feels like a twist of knife in my heart. Then, he disappears with Lucius and never comes back to the party.
Deep in my heart, I can feel that something is about to happen, but there’s no one I can share my fears with. The only one that notices my feelings is Rudolphus, but he doesn’t say anything and… I’m grateful for that.
The next day I learn about what happened. Strangely enough, Narcissa comes to me to share her pain with, instead of Andromeda. Weird. Did we really become so close or she just doesn’t want to scare our little miss Perfection with the scary tales of her married life? In any case, I feel bad for her. To know that someone you love doesn’t love you back, sucks. What can I say? Welcome to my world, sis.
As sad as her story is, I can’t stop thinking how Severus must feel. He is probably killing himself, blaming himself for everything that happened. My heart aches for him. I want to ease his pain, so I gather my courage, pick up the vials with potions that I made and apparate to “visit my sister.” Apparating is not the best way to go, especially when you’re under 17, but the direct floo to the manor hasn’t been established yet. In any case, what do I care, I’ve had my license since I was fourteen. I guess it helps when your father is on good terms with the minister.
Like a good little sister, I spend almost the whole day with Narcissa, listening to the story of her broken heart and about how hard it will be for her to start trusting Lucius again. By the evening, she is finally tired and ready to go to bed. I can’t help, but to feel relieved. Another few hours of this and I’ll need a separate room in Saint Mungo’s Phsychiatric wing.
I bid her good night and make my way out of her room to find Severus. He is in his room, doing exactly what I thought he will, getting drunk. Thankfully, Lucius is not there with him. I sneak into his room, trying to be as quiet as I can. He doesn’t pay attention. The glass in his hand is charmed to stay full and the room smells of brandy.
Thinking of what to say, I keep just standing there, watching him drink himself into a stupor. At one point, his eyes start glistening with tears and I can’t take it anymore. Can’t see him in this state. I come closer and lower myself to my knees by his chair. – “Please, don’t blame yourself. It was not your fault.”
- “Bella? What are you doing here?”
- “I’m here to help you. I know everything about what happened.”
- “Who told you?”
- “Narcissa. I’ve been here with her for the whole day.”
He shakes his head – “It’s my fault that she got hurt. If I have only said no to Lucius, this whole thing wouldn’t happen.”
- “I know that you blame yourself because you have feelings for her, but it’s wasn’t your fault. It’s hard to say no when you have an opportunity to be with someone you love.”
He closes his eyes – “What do you know about not being with someone you love?”
- “Trust me, I know plenty. That’s why I want to help.”
- “You can’t. No one can. There’s nothing that can undo what I did.”
- “No, there is not. But I have something that will help you nonetheless.” I pull out the vials from my pocket and show them to him.
- “What is it?”
- “Polyjuice potions. All you have to do is chose one.”
He looks at me with an alcohol-lidded eyes – “I don’t understand.”
I take a deep breath and pull myself up to his face. I cup his cheek with a palm of my hand – “I know what you have wanted for a very long time. And I want to give it to you. I want you to feel how it is to be loved in return.”
- “But… I don’t love you.”
I take another breath and give him a warm smile – “I know that. That’s why I brought these. All you have to do is chose one.”
- “Bella, I’m sorry. This is not right. This is just another mistake. I see that you want to help, but… I don’t want to hurt you. It wouldn’t be right.”
I lean forward and brush his lips with mine – “You won’t hurt me. If anything, you will also give me something that I’ve wanted for a very long time.”
- “You wanted me?”
- “Since the day I saw you at school for the first time. I promise you, no one will ever know. It will be our little secret. Let’s just forget about everyone and everything for now and enjoy what we have.”
I can see the battle inside of him and show him the vials again – “Lily or… my sister? Choose, Severus.” He closes his eyes for a few short moments and then I hear his whisper – “Lily.”
I don’t believe his words – “Is it truly her that you want at this moment? Don’t lie to yourself.” With his eyes still closed, he shakes his head. I smile and drink the potion with my sister’s name on it. The next second, I feel my body going through the transformation. The feeling is not pleasant, but if I can help him, then screw it.
I stroke his cheek again – “Open up your eyes, love.” He looks at me without blinking for the longest time. I can see that he’s nervous. I am nervous too. Despite common belief, I don’t have any experience with this at all, so I proceed relying solely on intuition. I lower my hands to the buckle of his belt and open it up. Zipper goes next. He still hasn’t moved a muscle, like he doesn’t belief that this can actually be happening to him.
I take another deep breath and try hard to not let him see the tremble in my hands and nervousness in my voice. – “Lay down for me, love.” He stands up and his pants drop to his knees. With my wand, I charm his clothes off. Stumbling, he makes a few steps to bed and falls down. I stand up, taking in his naked form. He is beautiful, but so drunk that I realize that if I want something done, I’ll have to do it myself.
I slowly take my clothes off and climb on the bed. He lays on his back and keeps watching me without moving a single muscle, the only indication of his excitement being his neither regions and I tell myself that I must be doing something right. Another few moments of his starring and I am panicked beyond belief. To distract myself from looking into his eyes, I lower my mouth on him and hear his loud hiss. Finally, some kind of reaction.
Enough to say, that my first time is not as magical as it is described in all the regular love stories. He doesn’t know what to do and when it finally happens, it’s clumsy and painful. The only consolation is, that it doesn’t take long. It’s practically over, before it starts and I am left laying by his knocked out form, looking at the blood spots on my inner thighs.
- “I’m sorry” I hear his whisper, before he falls into a deep sleep. I stroke his cheek again, before performing a cleaning charm on both of us.
- “It’s ok, love. Sleep now. It will be better next time.”
- 6
- 7
- 8
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ONE LIFE TO LIVE