To have loved, and lost (was Missed Chances) | By : professorflo Category: Harry Potter > Het - Male/Female > Snape/Hermione Views: 10669 -:- Recommendations : 0 -:- Currently Reading : 1 |
Disclaimer: I do not own Harry Potter or any of the characters within. I make no money from this story. |
Severus stumbled back towards his living room, intent on reaching the sideboard where he normally had at least one bottle hidden from his wife… ex-wife. He’d needed a good glass or two most evenings, to steel himself or climbing the stairs and into his lonely bed, all the while knowing that she was only two doors away. Occasionally, when he’d been in a particularly foul mood, he’d compared the current situation to the years of longing after Lily, and some nights it was barely all he’d been able to do to not to go to Hermione and beg for forgiveness.
But he’d done that once before, and all he’d got for his troubles was a refusal and the mockery of even more of his school mates than usual. A little voice, quickly pushed aside, had sometimes whispered that perhaps his Hermione was different, that it would work out this time. She’d always been a forgiving sort. Severus snorted hard at the understatement. The Golden Trio would never have got together without her being so, and who know what would have happened to Potter if she hadn’t been there to do all the work.
The thought made him feel sick – although, on second though, that was possibly the alcohol. His stomach was beginning to lurch just as much as he was. Serves me right for thinking about Potter…
2 years earlier
He was hiding in the corner of the ballroom at one of the Ministry’s blasted public functions again, watching Potter twirl his wife around the room. It was the third such large event since they’d been married; one to commemorate the fourth anniversary of the Battle of Hogwarts, the other had been some Ministry half-wit’s ridiculous idea to celebrate all the new marriages, as well as trying to throw together all those who had not yet found a partner. He’d not been able to get out of the former, due to his hero status, and although he’d tried to get out of the latter, Lucius had tricked him into going through the bastard had already known he wouldn’t lose. He’d still not revealed why he’d wanted Severus to attend, although he had a sneaky suspicion that because Lucius had to be there, he wanted someone else there to share in his misery.
Misery wasn’t the word for it though. The ball had been held on Valentine’s Day in the atrium of the Ministry; the only venue large enough to hold the large numbers of people attending. Severus had been forced to endure hours of sickening public displays of affection, heart-shaped everything – decorations, food, furniture – cupids everywhere, and everything covered in nauseating shades of pink. Even the fountain had been charmed to produce pink and red jets of water, and lightly scented bubbles floated up from the pool to float over the horde of idiots cavorting to the insipid and overly-sentimental music.
And now he was stuck at a ball to celebrate the full re-opening of Hogwarts. Not that it had ever been closed, the school had opened to pupils the September following the Battle, but the repairs had only been completely finished over this last summer, and both Severus and his wife had been expected to go. Not that Severus cared about other’s expectations but he knew how important it was for Hermione to attend, and with him too.
She’d finally been promoted to where her research and organisational skills were of some use. Of course, if it had been left up to her she never would have moved out of the Department for the Regulation and Control of Magical Creatures, and would have forever been stuck with letting others take the credit for her hard work. A couple of weeks after their wedding Severus had had a quiet world or two with the right people about the waste of her talents, and a months later she’d been offered a job on the Minister of Magic’s staff, as an assistant and researcher. Severus would be damned if he would allow his wife to continue to be treated the way she had been for so long. As far as he was concerned, her behaviour and status reflected upon him. No wife of his was going to be treated like a workhorse. It would only make him look bad after all.
Of course, the downside was that Hermione was expected to attend all the Ministry events, not just the balls, but a number of smaller functions too. It wasn’t proper amongst the society that Severus kept for her not to be accompanied by her husband. Perhaps the younger generations, Hermione included, wouldn’t have cared so much about the old-fashioned etiquette, but Severus had grown up amongst the Purebloods of Slytherin, and had always compared their courteous treatment of their women favourably with the way his own muggle father had treated his mother. However disbelievingly Hermione looked at him when he declared he would be accompanying her, Severus wouldn’t be moved in his beliefs of how they should behave as a couple.
Putting on a show of a ‘happy’ marriage, even when the reality was nothing but, was another thing he had picked up from the pureblood families. He’d watched Lucius and Narcissa do it for several years, although the final death of the Dark Lord had brought them back together again, and there were many other families who had been similarly torn, although it would have taken someone as perceptive as Severus to notice. Likewise, he was loathe for anyone to know what a fuck up he’d made of his own marriage so quickly.
Despite everything, life had quickly settled down into an easy routine. He had never got into the habit of falling asleep early, and so Hermione was almost always up and sometimes gone before he dragged himself out of bed. She would always make breakfast, and they would either eat in near silence as she caught up with the morning papers, while he started blearily into his coffee, or she would put it under a charm for him if he was late getting up. She was a surprisingly good cook. Hermione had, however, made it clear very quickly that she wasn’t prepared to do all the work around the house. It had been the cause of their first argument; he never counted the night of their wedding; although not the first. When Hermione had told him she refused to live in a dirty house, he had blown up at the thought of her touching his things, in particular his collection of books and his lab.
He’d only realised later, once he had agreed to keeping the house clean and split other chores, with her doing the majority of the cooking, how easily she’d manipulated him into doing what she wanted in the first place. He still got the last laugh; hiring a free house-elf called Minky to come in to clean when Hermione was out had barely cost him anything. Of course he didn’t allow the eager creature to touch either his lab or his books, but he had always kept them meticulously clean himself. And he or meals cooked or him, far better than he could make himself, so in all, he felt rather smug about the whole situation.
Of course, once Hermione had started her new job she would quite often be home late. If it was something she knew about in advance, she would make sure he knew, but if some last-minute business came up she’d send a patronus. On those occasions Snape would call for Minky and ask her to cook something. It was part of their agreement, as was the stipulation that the elf was never allowed to let Hermione know she’d been there. And of course, Hermione was always grateful when she arrived him late to find warm food waiting for her, especially considering she often didn’t get time during the day to grab more than a snack or two. Not grateful enough to show me in bed though…
It wasn’t just in bed that they were still distant, they avoided each other most of the day, only coming together in the living room or an hour or so before bed if neither was working. They’d sit mainly in silence as they each read, or in Hermione’s case, occasionally knitted. Conversation was kept to a minimum, and although the silence was pervasive, it was never hostile. Severus could have almost believed it was Lily sitting across from him, not that she’d ever been forgiving enough to cope with him loving another a woman the way Hermione had.
The lack of conversation between him and his wife did at times feel strange though, considering how they’d always enjoyed their time out together before their marriage, but he would force himself to consider the alternatives, like being married to one of the harlots that had thrown themselves at him, the decorated war-hero; that still on occasion would proposition him, especially at these types of events when they believed Hermione to be too busy, or even indifferent to notice. But even the most alluring witches couldn’t tempt him anymore. He found them all vain and insipid, and couldn’t bring himself to bed any of them.
He told himself it just wasn’t worth the trouble it would cause if Hermione found out he’d been shagging other women. It wasn’t like he wasn’t getting any, what with the two nights a week he had with Hermione, unsatisfying as they were. And as gorgeous as some of these women were, he couldn’t help but compare them to Hermione, who despite not being as beautiful, had other attributed that more than made up for it. It was why he had wanted to marry her over any other, after all. He wasn’t the only one who noticed her, he realised, after careful observations over several balls. He’d lost count of how many dance partners she’d had, a number of which he didn’t know at all, and there were many more men who watched her out of the corner of their eyes as they conversed with friends, or stole the occasional glance at her when their own partners weren’t looking.
What if one of them were to tempt her the way these fame-seeking women sought to tempt him? There were many younger and more handsome men out there, might she not cheat on him with one of them? Six months ago Severus would never have considered it, but he was no longer sure of her regard. Perhaps their dismal marriage and his unfortunate confession regarding Lily had made her change her mind. Which made the whole plan that he’d been forming to make his life a little more pleasant utterly futile. He’d been thinking of starting to slowly treat her differently, to do little thing over a period of time and build up to making it appear as if he were slowly falling for her. He wanted to see again the impassioned woman who had graced his bed that first night, to try to convince her to sleep with him more often. She’d never come to him like that again, and he’d soon grown covetous of the passion she’d shown that night. He found himself trying to anger her on purpose, just because he enjoyed the way she got riled up. But if she was going to be unfaithful to him, then he wasn’t prepared to open himself up to such a rejection. He would just have to make the most of what he had, and forget the whole idea.
Severus suppressed a deeper scowl as Potter whirled his wife around faster, making her throw her head back and laugh. She never did that with him; laugh and smile so carelessly. They never danced beyond the bare minimum of the one dance that was expected, and even then she was stiff in his arms, her eyes somber even as she pasted a smile on her face. He’d release her to dance with whatever idiot had asked her for the next dance, and retreat. Luckily, as far as his own behaviour went, everyone would have been beyond shocked if he had actually been sociable.
So instead he stood in the shadows, watching as she lit up a room, want to be by her side to bask in her light, but he knew as soon as he did she would lose some of her shine, and he refused to spoil these evenings for her, knowing how important they were for her job. Time and time again he’d watched her at public functions, as he did now, getting wound up about some subject or another, and he would always want to snatch her back home, jealous of whomever the recipient of her happy smile was, and fuck her into the mattress. He’d taken to watching her from the shadows with greedy eyes, not caring that his behaviour had lapsed back to how it had been during his time at Hogwarts. He would forever be the greasy old bat of the dungeons to most, lurking on the periphery was all that was expected of him anyway.
Knowing that he would be the one to take her home, rather than any of the dunderheads surrounding her was the only thing that got him though most of those evenings. When it came to any of their interactions, he would always play the doting husband, making sure to bring her drinks to offer his arm to lead her to the apparition point, but as soon as they appeared in his house he would stalk away from her with a scowl, unable to look at his…The bloody events never seemed to fall on the two days a week she would come to his room. He could have sworn she came up with her outfits just to tease him: low backs that made him want to skim his fingers down her spine, soft drapes that clung to her things, high slits that showed off the long legs that had once wrapped so eagerly around his waist. He was constantly torn between hating her and a burning desire to drag her into a dark corner, pull her knickers aside and plunge into her warm heat.
He started, growling under his breath as a hand suddenly gripped his shoulder, disrupting the fantasy he was engrossed in, although considering that he now no longer wore his voluminous teaching robes the interruption was probably a good thing. He looked over to see Lucius standing beside him, a smirk plastered across his face, and sighed silently. His friend never missed the chance to poke fun at how uncomfortable Severus always was at these events. Of course, Lucius was in his element here, dressed like a peacock in his pale blue robes, and sweeping around the hall, making easy conversation with everyone in the room. Severus wasn’t sure how his friend had the gall to set foot in the castle, considering the events of only a few years ago, let alone saunter around like he owned the place.
He turned back to watch the dance floor, and caught Potter releasing Hermione into the arms of a wizard he recognised as one of the higher-up Ministry flunkey’s that Lucius sometimes had dealings with.
“I see you are having as much fun as you normally do,” came the voice from beside him. Severus deigned not to make a reply to such an asinine statement. After a few moment Lucius spoke again. “Your wife certainly seems to be enjoying herself.”
Severus felt something in his stomach twist as Hermione dipped her head and smiled at something the flunkey dancing with her had said. “She has the correct disposition for this sort of event,” he replied absently.
“She certainly does seem to be popular. I understand she’s become quite the person to go to if you want anything done efficiently and correctly. Monty says he doesn’t know how his office managed to get anything done before she joined them. It seems it won’t be long until she’ll be getting a promotion, and he’s already raised her salary twice.”
Severus only raised an eyebrow in response, unwilling to admit his lack of knowledge concerning Hermione’s success. Not that he was surprised. He could well imagine how quickly she’d made herself indispensable in an office that was infamous for its disorganisation and lack of acumen. The recently elected Minister, Montgomery Tuft was marginally better than his predecessors in that he’d recognised the value of utilising Hermione’s skills and proficiency to his own advantage. Out of the corner of his eye he spotted the smug smile that flashed across Lucius’ face. Clearly he’d caught on to the frigid nature of their marriage, and was no doubt feeling pleased with himself for warning Severus not to marry her in the first place. Not that he would ever say such a thing outright.
They stood side by side for a few minutes longer, exchanging light conversation about various goings on in the wizarding world, as they both watched Hermione’s progress around the floor. Despite Severus’ lack of interest in politics, he’d always found it useful to keep abreast of any news Lucius had for him. It had lead him to make several good investments in the past, the proceeds of which had gone towards supporting him while he set up his potions business. It also now meant he kept up to date with what was happening in the office that Hermione worked in, not that he really cared, of course.
Across the room, Hermione swapped partners yet again, this time for Ronald Weasley. Severus let out a faint hiss if disgust as one of his meaty hands came to rest just a little too low on Hermione’s back. By the look on her face, she didn’t seem to notice, although the Brown girl, standing off to one side with a gaggle of friends just as insipid as she, looked unhappy at the sight of her husband mauling another woman.
“I am surprised you haven’t yet taught her to choose her associates more wisely.” Severus could almost feel the sneer on Lucius’ face as he spoke, and he briefly looked across to see the blonde aristocrat’s eyes lingering on his wife, before a speculative expression passed across his face, almost too quickly for Severus to spot. After a moment he followed Lucius’ gaze back to the dancefloor and the offending hand.
“All things considered, Lucius, that, coming from either of us, would be the pot calling the cauldron black. Besides, who am I to break up the… Golden Trio.” He spat the last two words, as if they left a bad taste in his mouth.”
“But all that…unpleasantness is already half forgotten.” Lucius waved a hand as if to dismiss the horrors of their shared past, and Severus had to wonder at his friend’s selective memory. “Since then your wife may have become a… desirable acquaintance, but Weasely in particular is yesterday’s celebrity. His Quidditch contract is up at the end of the season, and I understand he’s not enough of a draw anymore to extend it. He only got the position because of his fame in the first place. It certainly wasn’t his skill in front of the hoops.”
Severus could only nod in agreement. His eyes were still fixed to the hand that was very slowly moving lower as the dancing continued.
“The whole family is a joke in any case, in decent circles at least,” Lucius continued, his voice growing even more haughty than usual. “Only the two eldest boys are worth mentioning, but even they are tainted by association. And Arthur only gets more ridiculous by the day. Can you imagine, there was actually talk at one point of him becoming Minister? What a mess that would have been!”
Severus was barely aware of anything his friend was saying by now. What was Weasely thinking, creating such a display in front of so many, including his own wife? Severus would have been equally as displeased with Hermione for allowing it, had she not at that moment shifted subtly in Weasley’s arms, just enough to force him to bring his hand back up to an respectable distance from her arse. Severus could only just hide his smile at her skilled way of handling the idiot without drawing attention to them both.
“Well if you are not going to intervene, perhaps I might… entice her to spend some time with a worthier partner than her current choice instead.”
Severus turned to frown at his friend, for there had been some strange undertone in his words, but Lucius didn’t notice, a predatory gleam in his eye as he watched the couple on the dancefloor. The song changed, and Lucius took the cue to stride confidently towards Hermione. Severus watched with dark eyes as he bowed over her hand, before sweeping her away from Weasely into the next dance. Weasely stood for a moment with a slightly stunned look on his face before he shuffled off the floor towards his wife. Severus smirked at him for a moment before his attention was drawn back to the dancers.
From where he was standing he could clearly see how closely Lucius held Hermione against him as he leaned down to whisper close in her ear. Somehow it seemed far worse than the way Weasely had clumsily tried to grope her. Unconsciously Severus took a few steps closer. As the duo turned slightly, he could see the uncomfortable expression on her face, and he was sure it was nothing to do with either Lucius’ status as an ex-DeathEater, or the remembrance of what had happened to her in his house. Since their engagement, the two had met many times, both publically and privately, and while they’d never be best friends, they both got on as well as could be expected. In fact, it hadn’t been until Severus had questioned why the Malfoys seemed to have stopped using the large drawing room that he’d even found out about dear Bellatrix’s torture of his wife.
He’d still not seen the scars she’d been left with, although now that he knew to look, he could just make out a slightest flicker of the glamour she wore over it. She’d never said anything, and certainly nothing in her behaviour suggested that either meeting with the Malfoys, or entering the Manor affected her in any way. He’d almost refused to take her back there, but had known she wouldn’t be happy with him assuming she couldn’t cope. She was stronger than she looked, his wife. Which is why he found her current expression so worrying. What was Lucius saying to her? And what gave him the right to hold her so tightly against him?
Severus was now almost at the edge of the dancers, his eyes fixed on Hermione as Lucius guided her round the floor towards him. As they neared, their eyes met around Lucius’ shoulder, and he could have sworn a slight smile of relief ghosted across her lips for a moment before she turned her attention back to Lucius, her expression hardening. He took another involuntary step towards then, onto the floor, intending to step in, before he realised that Hermione had already brought them to a halt only a few paces away. Severus moved closer to hear Hermione’s reply to something Lucius had said.
“No, thank you Lucius, I think I’ll pass,” she said decisively, turning away from him.
Severus smirked to see her confident dismissal of the blonde patriarch. Lucius began to move towards her again, opening his mouth to continue speaking. Severus irritation with his friend peaked, but instead of causing a scene, he crossed the remaining distance in a few smooth steps and pulled his wife into his own arms.
“Maybe another time, then,” Severus heard his friend say, before he swept Hermione away.
Hermione didn’t respond, and it was a few moments before Severus stopped glaring at the smirking blonde and bent his attention to her, even as he wondered what they had been talking about. Her face was turned slightly away from his, her eyes downcast and a slight blush on her cheeks. They danced in silence for a few minutes, Severus unconsciously holding her closer against him than even Lucius had. All the Gryffindor ‘fierceness’ which he’d seen in her when she’d refused whatever his friend has wanted had left her face. He wondered, not for the first time, why she was only ever calm and gentle, when he knew he deserved whatever she could throw at him, and then more.
“What did Lucius want?” he blurted, no longer able to contain his curiosity.
Hermione’s mouth twitched slightly, as if with distaste before she looked up at him. “Oh, nothing really.” Her shrug was almost imperceptible.
He raised an eyebrow at her when she paused, making it clear he wasn’t satisfied with her answer.
After a pause she continued. “He was only talking about the ball and how well Hogwarts looked this evening after the last of the renovations.”
How…tactful, Severus thought as they continued on round the dancefloor, considering just why the castle needed any work doing to it in the first place. “What else?” he asked, knowing that it would have taken more to cause her earlier expression. She held his gaze, and for a moment he thought she was going to deny that Lucius had said anything else. He pushed lightly into her mind for the first time since their marriage, but was met with a blank wall. Strange… She’d always been easy to read before. He was about to push further in when she sighed, dropping her eyes before she spoke.
“He wanted to know if I wanted a tour of the new and renovated areas of the castle. There have been more than a few changes since the last time I came.”
Severus studied the faint blush that spread over her cheeks with distrust. He was fairly sure what had caused it, and why Lucius had made her so discomposed. “Go on,” he growled quietly.
Her face crumpled slightly, and she squirmed in his arms. “Severus, you’re hurting me,” she whispered, pushing gently at him without trying to be too obvious.
He ignored her. “What did he say?”
“He hinted that if I joined him he would be more than happy to find an empty room and show me what I was missing out on with you,” she hissed. “Now let me go!”
Realising just how tightly he was crushing her to him, he let go, bringing them both to a halt. “Perhaps we should continue this at home.” His voice was cold and formal, and he could feel his temper rising, despite the curl of guilt that wound through it from having caused her pain, but he managed to keep all traces of anger from his countenance. He watched as she thought for a moment, no doubt trying to decide whether it was acceptable for her to be leaving yet.
“I’ll need ten minutes to say goodbye to a few people. Maybe you could give our thanks to Minerva and Filius, and I’ll meet you in the Entrance Hall.
He nodded curtly, offering his arm to her to lead her off the dance floor, where they parted and went their separate ways. He looked for Lucius for a few minutes, but he had disappeared completely. In the end he did as requested and went to find his old colleagues. They were both unsurprised to find him going home early, but had hoped to see a bit more of Hermione during the course of the evening. They managed to extract a promise that he would ask her to get in contact to arrange a visit before he could manage to escape. He chose to exit the Hall by the teacher’s route instead of battling through the crowds to the doors at the far end, and stalked quickly through the empty corridors back to the main entrance. He became aware of a faint whisper of voice from around the corner, and upon realising one was his wife’s he stopped dead, before creeping closer to listen.
“…have to go early?” Potter was saying.
“It’s been a really busy week, Harry. I’m tired and I just want to go home.”
“Is everything all right? You didn’t look too happy just now with Malfoy, nor Snape either,” he replied, the concern in his voice clear.
And why the fuck would that be your business, Potter? Severus thought.
“It’s nothing, really. Lucius was just being a bit of an arse, that’s all.”
“It didn’t look like nothing. You should have seen Snape’s face when he was watching you. He looked so angry when you were dancing with Malfoy, I was worried he was going to pull his wand.”
There was a moment of quiet, before Hermione murmured a reply, too quiet for Severus to make out.
“Is everything ok… with you and Snape, I mean?”
Severus could feel his blood begin to boil. Who was Potter to interfere between him and his wife?
“Everything’s fine, Harry.”
If he believed that, he was a fool, Severus thought. He could hear the strain in her voice from round the corner, and he knew from experience Hermione could never keep a lie from showing on her face.
“But…”
“Harry Potter…”
Severus smirked to hear the tone of her voice. He recognised it all to well from years of listening to Hermione berating her two obtuse sidekicks. She’d only used it once on Severus, thank Merlin. Once was more than enough. He could only imagine the look on Potter’s face, but it lessened his anger a little.
“Can you can honestly say that there is nothing but total agreement between you and Ginny every moment of every day? Do I butt in on your relationship all the time? It is none of your business what happens between my husband and me. If I want your help or advice I will ask you for it.”
There was a few seconds of silence, and he could only guess at the scene: The famous Boy who Lived Twice would be staring at the floor, his face red and bashful, in front of a fiery, riled-up Hermione. He wondered if there were even sparks crackling in her hair. His cock twitched at the thought. He’d always loved the sight of her all wound up and passionate, and the fact that she was defending him to Potter made him want her even more.
Severus chose this moment to emerge from his hiding place around the corner, and, despite the lack of billow from the absent teaching robes, still managed to cut an intimidating figure as he strode towards them. It was just as he had imagined, his wife with her back to him, hands on hips, and a shamefaced Potter before her. The latter quickly spotted Severus over Hermione’s shoulder, and with a hastily muttered goodbye, left in the other direction, walking slightly faster that was natural.
As Severus came up behind Hermione, she whirled to face him. For a moment he saw some emotion, not anger or irritation, flare in her eyes at the sight of him before it was quickly shuttered.
“I’m ready to go now, Severus,” she said quietly.
He moved closer, intrigued not only by the fleeting expression he’d seen, but also her suddenly shifting demeanour. How could she be so assertive with Potter one second and then so reserved with him the next? He was fed up of seeing her so reticent, so restrained around him. As he moved closer her scent washed over him, delicately spicy, and as he gazed down into her amber eyes he felt the last flush of anger washed away with a tide of rising desire. He wanted her. He fought against the impulse to pull her into his arms and ravish those plump lips with his own, even as his fingers trailed down her exposed spine, but the moment he spotted how Potter was lingering at the entrance back into the main hall, watching them cautiously, Severus threw caution to the wind.
Wrapping his arms around her, he ignored the way her eyes widened in surprise, and pressed his mouth to hers. It took a moment for her to respond, but when he flicked his tongue against her slightly parted lips, she relented and opened them to him as her hands came round to clutch at his back. Severus quickly lost himself in the sweet taste of her, pouring out all the pent-up passion he’d kept from her the last few months. He pulled her tighter against him as his fingers finally got to explore the warm skin of her back. Her quiet moan into his mouth as she melted into his embrace suddenly brought him back to the moment, and he pulled back slightly to look down into her flushed face, her eyes dazed with arousal.
Peeking over her head to where Potter still stood, his mouth gaping slightly Severus saw that a couple of others had also made their way into the entrance, presumably also leaving early, and were sending a few amused glances down the corridor towards them. To his annoyance he was sure he’d just caught sight of the younger Creevey boy ducking back into the Great Hall, camera in hand, but it was made up for by the fact that Lucius had also paused to watch, some Ministry official that he was no doubt dragging off to have a quiet chat with by his side.
With her back to their spectators, Hermione hadn’t yet noticed any of the gawking, so with a smirk down the corridor and one last brush of his lips against hers, Severus made use of the privilege that had never been rescinded from his time as headmaster, and apparated them both straight back to his bedroom.
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