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It Wouldn't Even Matter	By : Eloise Downbadde Category: Harry Potter > Het - Male/Female > Draco/Hermione Views: 2078 -:- Recommendations : 1 -:- Currently Reading : 1
Disclaimer: I don't own any of these characters - i just referenced the books from a different perspective

Chapter List
- 6
- 7
Chapter 7

His Fantasy

Maybe one day, he will be able to do something not life changing and embarrassing with her. Maybe he will get his shit together and not go soft when she smiles gently at him and makes the organ in his ribs flutter and threaten to burst from his chest. Maybe something will go right (or wrong depending on whose perspective) and he will have a good memory instead of one he buried deep in his mind. Damn witch!
Instead of the library, he spends time outside of class sleeping in his bed, late nights in the Room and working on the cabinet. When Blaise cornered him in the middle of class a week later, he was clearly agitated.
"I know you're in a tough spot but avoiding me isn't going to help you." Blaise scowled at him during Charms, the both of them having finished the practice ahead of their classmates. Granger hadn't made eye contact with him since that morning, a brief flicker between them, acknowledging one another before back to ignoring him. It wasn't for lack of trying. He flicked little bits of parchment into her hair the day before but didn't get so much as a sigh as she removed them with 'leviosa' and let them fall to the floor. He had at least anticipated she would launch them back at him but no.
"It's nothing personal. I'm avoiding everyone." Draco says to his friend, watching him flick his wand and spark the robes of one of the Gryffindor's. The Irish bloke swore up a storm and got points deducted for his foul language. Blaise cackled under his breath and Potter shot a look over at the two. Draco lifted a shoulder in a shrug and raised his eyebrow. What could he do? They had tiny flames all over class to practice the extinguishing charm.
Weasley blasted an overshot of the charm at his partner before anyone else got a chance to and put the flames out, but also drenched Granger in the process. It was almost hysterical how she turned pink in the cheeks as she exploded a melody of insults at Weasley. Draco's almost positive he had done it on purpose when he noticed he could see right through her button down. Weasley is quiet, red faced and staring like a ruddy caveman and it makes Draco nauseous. She clearly was still furious with him or the way he can't take his eyes of her chest wouldn't have been dismissed for 'stupid Weasley behavior'. She fumbled her robes tighter around herself, covering her (light blue or maybe white?) bra with a scowl and attempted to dry herself but it doesn't work. This isn't just a water charm and Flitwick has to come by to clean up the mess. The glare she shoots at the Weasel would drop him dead if the prat had even seen it.
But he still doesn't stop staring at her tits and it annoyed him so much, Draco shoved his books off the table to make a loud sound that forced the Weasel to look away. Blaise hummed beside him. "So that's still going on, is it?" Draco gives him a sidelong glance. "You going to buy her a Christmas Gift?"
Draco snorted and then sighed, running a hand across his face. "No. That would be foolish. You free after dinner?"
"I am. You ready to show me your sordid thoughts of her?"
"No one else I'd trust with them. You ready to show me yours?" Blaise laughed and dusted down his robes, a sly grin on his face. Draco knew why, he knew Blaise didn't have any big secrets. Not the same way he did and it always irked him he was able to keep everything so above board.
"You're going to be sorely disappointed. Even my fantasies are fairly vanilla." Draco pursed his lips and stooped to pick up his books as the class ended, slipping them into his bag, shrinking and pocketing it. He thought briefly of Blaise and Theo at the Halloween party and wondered why they had seemed so chummy with a little liquid courage. He didn't mind, Theo crossed barriers most blokes put up when it came to what they were attracted to. He was quite the pretty man and knew how to make anyone comfortable in almost any situation. It's one of the reasons he would never accept the offer to practice occluding with him. Knowledge was power but being able to get that knowledge without making it obvious was Theo's power. Letting him peek into his mind might be the worst decision anyone could make.
"Guess we will see about that." Draco taunted him as they left the room. "Snape's spare class? After dinner? I'd like to stop by the library to-"
"See Granger?" Blaise supplied with his smirk flickering on his face.
"To avoid her actually." Draco swiveled and met her eyes for a moment as she left the class behind him and Blaise. He quickly turned back away, pushing down the embarrassment of having sought out her face in a crowd despite not wanting to see her.
It's rubbish, really, to keep feeling this way; to keep wanting these things that wouldn't ever be obtained, not for him at least. He would be lying if he said the last look on her face that moment by the lake hadn't stuck with him for days - nights specifically. What a terrible thing to haunt your dreams. The most unattainable woman, giving him a flash of desire, something he longed for; it was cruel actually.
He pulled his notebook out and his fingers brushed the bottom of his pocket, he wanted to be certain there wasn't another sneaking hole in it. He still hadn't found out who had purposely put a hole in his robes. He decided to ask Blaise about it when he meets him later. In the meantime, he is flipping through his vanishing cabinet notebook and stewing over his latest failure. A simple charm had sent him flying across the room, slamming into the wall and blacking out for hours. Crabbe and Goyle were absolutely useless, not once checking on him the entire night. And when dawn broke and he checked, they were still sitting in the halls, asleep against the walls. He had dried the blood from his lip and nose but there had been no time to clean up and change - Class was starting. He had zapped both his mates with a stinging jinx and sent them off with a harsh word. Merlin's sake, even Potter and Weasley would have been better backup than they were.
He checked with the librarian and the shelves to see if the book he was searching for was returned but it hadn't been. He knows, unfortunately, Granger probably had it based on the suggestions she had given him. She is probably still trying to help him ruin her life, unknowingly. He huffed and left the library, heading for the Great Hall, a burned visit to the book haven leaving him perturbed.
"I never thought you were the type to avoid someone, Malfoy." The tone is judgmental and it pumped irrational anger into his blood.
"I don't avoid anyone, least of all ghosts." Moaning Myrtle drifted next to him as he went from casually walking to storming quickly down the corridor. He knew the sooner he got to the rotating staircase, the sooner she would stop following him. She didn't stray far from her floor, the bathrooms being the most comfortable place for her most days. That hadn't stopped her from seeking him out anytime he was on the 2nd floor.
"You haven't come to see me in weeks. I was worried." She popped in front of him, making him pause, pouted her lip out and tucked hair behind her ear. She did the thing other girls did when she looked to her feet and then up at him through her eyelashes and over her glasses, thinking it looked endearing but it only prodded him further over the line.
"Don't be. I'm fine - like I told you. I've got a lot of stress this year." He stepped right through her ghostly form and she shivered with excitement- ick.
"That's not all. You don't need to lie to me, dear. I know you are having other issues. Boys don't break down that way unless there's a girl involved." She straightened her posture and brushed down her top, twisting her waist side to side trying to, again, look cute and making her skirt twirl. "A woman knows." She said curtly, circling around him as he turned a corner and saw the stairs in the distance. Telling her anything could be a bad idea but he had tried talking to the living already and that just ended in ridicule. Myrtle never teased him for his troubles, not yet. "Even that horrid Hermione Granger knows - women can break the softest of stupid hearts."
"G-Granger? What problems with women does Granger have?" He stopped his quick pace and he could hear her squeal in excitement. She had his attention now, and she knew it.
She paused and looked at her nails like she was bored, a technique he had shown her, he realized with dismay. 'Bloody ghosts,' He thought.
"Well, She was in the girls room sobbing when that ginger Weasley girl came in; hugging her and kissing her head, I always expected she would be with her pig of a brother instead of his sister but I don't judge!" She looked at him with pride - a sick and perverse pride in having information that he wanted.
"And-?"
"She wanted her to come with her back home for Christmas- but!" She dragged out the pause so long he felt his eye twitch.
"But-?"
"She isn't going! She went on and on how she wouldn't be comfortable right now, she needed time with her parents - blah blahblah boring! But then! She went on a raging rant about the brother and expectations and-"
"So- she's staying for the holiday?"
Myrtle is insulted now. Possibly that he cared more about Granger than her. "I guess what does that matter? It's not like your woman's problems having anything to do wi-"
Draco started walking again and she clicked her tongue, calling after him. "Ooooh! Draco Malfoy! I thought better of you! I thought you-" Her words dissolved into sobbing and even if he wanted to, he can't make out her insults. He shakes his head, taking the first few steps up the stairs and her sounds fade in the distance as she bolts back to her lavatory. She's clearly upset and he can't find an ounce of will to care. If Granger was staying, she would be alone. As far as he knew, all of her friends would be with their families. Unless she was visiting her parents but that was easy enough to work around.
He could find out where they lived. He could find her in the muggle world. He could even work out an easy way to get to and from her home for when the war kicked off. He would need to find a way to get to her when she tried to run, before anyone else got their disgusting pureblood hands on her. She would thank him later, for almost stalking her, for making a clear path for himself to her and her world. And he could always watch her from a distance over Christmas. Her silly muggle parents would never notice the magical charms and illusions he would put up. Watch her open gifts and spend time with her family in her loving and happy way; it would be a nice thing to see. He took his seat at the Slytherin Table and picked at his food. Would she invite him inside if he knocked? Introduce him?
No. No, no. Once again, that was a bad train of thought. It isn't what he wants anyways, is it? Not realistically. He wanted her to survive the war and survive his particular brand of betrayal. All he really needed was to know that she was alive, right? He is absorbed in the image of some quaint home out in the muggle world, a blanket of snow everywhere and watching her through a window. He imagined coming closer, rapping on the door and she answers, the grin on her face would only grow wider instead of dropping when she sees him there. She would take his arm and pull him into the warmth of her world. Her parents would love him, her dad would clasp a hand onto Draco's shoulder in a man to man gesture of approval. Her mother would fuss over a plate of food for him at the table.
"Ready, mate?" Blaise clasping his hand on his shoulder in the real world jerked Draco out of his fantasy with shocking clarity. What a stupid daydream. He pushed the plate back and it disappeared, he patted his lips with a napkin and stood.
"Yeah, let's go."
Blaise, thankfully, stayed quiet the walk through the corridors and into the dungeons, past a handful of their housemates as they go, silently meeting eyes and going onward. Draco finally couldn't stay silent any longer, couldn't let his imagination bolt wildly across the fields. "I appreciate this. You know that, right?"
"I know. And I'm content to not share anything with Theo - or anyone else if you'd rather I didn't. You know I'm always on your side first, Draco."
"I know, Blaise. I appreciate you. A lot."
"Don't you go making me blush, mate. I don't look good in red." He brushed his fingers through his short hair and smirked at him, pulling the door open for them. They pushed the tables to the side of the room and the dust flying in the air made them both cough for a few moments. "Alright. Who is first?"
"My own thoughts are killing me slowly currently - so me first. Make it hurt. It's the only way the ruddy fantasy will stop."
Blaise arched an eyebrow and then snorted a laugh. "Well, think of the fantasy. Let me twist it, yeah?" His friend was good at this. He knew how to take a dream and make it a nightmare and the other way around as easily as casting a cleaning charm. Draco pursed his lips and considered his offer. The quiet and peaceful little house in his mind, was it safe to let him see it? Would Blaise understand?
"You're nervous about sharing it with me, eh?" Draco's lip twitched to a frown for a split second. Yes. Yes, he was. "Alright, here. Take a look at what I did three nights ago." Blaise dragged a chair over and sat down, an ankle over his knee and clasped his fingers together. "I was going to go out flying- go on. You need to practice both, so c'mon."
Draco stepped closer, pulled his wand and took a deep breath, like he was about to jump into the lake and swim to the bottom - he cast the spell, "legilimens". Blaise head, his 'mind palace' is a simple place when you are let into it. The door swung open and he walked in with ease, doors upon doors through an endless hallway. So organized typically but he opened one door and it's just fire. Flames were licking at his face and he slammed it shut, his hand hot from the doorknob. It hadn't hurt when he opened it?
He heard Blaise's voice echo and guide him. "Keep going, I keep the memories of her near the back."
"Her?" Draco thought and instantly felt uneasy. This was just a welcome entry into his friend's head and it was difficult, painful and uncomfortable.
"Yes." Blaise said calmly. Draco comes to a door that he nearly walked past before realizing the tingle in his body that indicated it was hidden to make him not notice. A door with extra effort put in it to avoid being seen, intruded on.
There's a pressure in his skull as he turns the handle; it's Blaise trying to let him in, trying to be vulnerable in a state he felt wasn't natural. Draco heard wind whip past his ears as he stepped down onto a stand in the quidditch stadium. The tall and strong frame of Blaise is there but not there. He can see him but also a shimmer that was letting Draco know, he was hiding himself from whomever else.
"I like to do this. Not when it's the whole team, mind, only when it's just her. I'm not trying to steal secret quidditch plays or anything." Blaise's voice came over his head again, the one in front of him a memory and not able to speak to him. Draco comes forward to be next to him and peers over the edge of the railing.
One lone rider, zipping around the course, making the goal posts her own playground with wild red hair pulled tight in a tail behind her. Ginerva Weasley. Was Blaise-? "Yeah." he heard him whisper. "She's a great player. And yeah, she's a fireball on a firebolt. And worse - she's Potter's fucking groupie but-"
Draco swallowed over the lump in his throat. So Blaise had a secret like he did. Maybe that's why he was so understanding about Granger. An unattainable person haunting their every waking moment. "Not like that! I'm not as obsessive as you are, mate." Maybe not every waking moment, then.
"I forgot you could hear my thoughts in here." Draco glanced over at the body of his friend, seeing a big bold smile on his face as Weaslette flew right past them and his cloak whipped about, the broomstick in his hands had been forgotten. Past Blaise seemed perfectly content just watching her. He can say no all he wants, he can keep talking his way back into the hole he lives in but he has feelings for her. He may not be ready to acknowledge them but they are there, lurking.
"Sod off, prat." Draco was suddenly flying backwards, zooming back down the hall, hovering from the floor. Blaise was booting him out of his mind. In a blink, he was upright, his shoulder sore from pointing his wand the whole time he was prying into his friend's memory and Blaise looked sheepish. He rolled his neck and shoulder blade and set him with a hard stare.
"Of all people?" He accused Blaise, completely prepared for the return scolding.
"You should talk." Blaise raised from his chair with effort and offered Draco his spot. The pressure in his chest is painful as Draco sat, the ache of familiarity to how his mate must feel. He knows, trust, he knows his heart was a filthy traitor but who could fault him when it came to Granger. She was sensational.
"Alright? Give me that fantasy, let me ruin it." No, no he isn't going to let him ruin something so nice. He's changed his mind. He knows its fantasy and he knows it will never happen but every real interaction he had with Granger was always beautiful and fucked all at once. A memory to keep and to bury all in one, like some strange curse to love and hate her simultaneously.
"Come take it." He set his jaw and glared at Blaise, who teased a cheeky smirk before casting the spell to rip apart his mind. Draco forgot how badly it hurt to have his mind ravaged. To have his brain tossed like some kind of wild dog was chomping down, ripping him from side to side viciously as Blaise pushed through the pathetic wall he had holding together his world inside. He had pieced his safety in with bricks, painstakingly put into place one stone at a time, a slather of cement and he knows, in the real world, he wouldn't ever use his bare hands to build something like that.
This wasn't the real world. This was inside his mind, where his ego and id played tag on a regular basis, super ego be damned in between. He tried to reinforce his walls but Blaise shattered through it in one push. He's almost angry at the way he only lifted a finger and flicked them at his brick wall before it crumbled. Draco has a form, a body in this plane, like a tour guide as his friend looked at him, puzzled. "You really need to work on the castle walls, Draco. That's step one. Step two-" Blaise squinted and suddenly he is in a memory with Granger. How did he find his thoughts of her so quickly? Is she really so close to the surface so often that it is like opening a book to find her.
His friend seemed to want to start at the beginning. He was watching her at the Yule Ball. He was feeling all the rage and disgust in Draco's gut, the jealous boiling just under his skin. He was watching as he spun Pansy out and into Krum just so Granger would look at him. And he decided - he was going to die of embarrassment. Hells, he wanted to, reliving this with his heart flayed open for his friend to see, it was torture. He can't imagine having to sit through his memories with The Dark Lord and the idea made his blood chill. So he built up his will power and pulled Blaise away from that night but unfortunately, further back.
They land instead at the World Cup match. Blaise can hear his thoughts. He could hear Draco's panic as he realized what was happening. That Granger was in danger, that he needed to find her. The terror in his heart as he searched for her, desperate to save her from the devil he knows. "Wow- Draco. I didn't even-." Blaise runs his hand over his mouth. "How long have you been trying to-?"
"I don't even know. It feels like forever. It feels like I've always been watching her; watching for her. And it still feels like I'm torturing myself." Blaise reached over and put his hand on his shoulder and Draco felt the memory change again, this time without his help, Blaise had taken over again. They're in the library now, at the start of the year. Day after day flashing by in blinks, a Monday, then a Tuesday and a Wednesday, Thursday, Friday. A weekend of hours spent together but not together. When she saved his seat for him because the library was full, when she had offered him a sugar quill, when he summoned her tea, their silent truce turned to companionship. Blaise wouldn't have noticed. Draco studied a lot already but never in the presence of her. Never with his back being able to feel her heat as she would move from her desk to the shelves for another book and catching the whiff of her hair when she sat back down. This was a new type of embarrassment he wasn't keen on sharing. He would rather be flayed alive.
He forced the memories through faster, Blaise giving up little resistance; it was all boring short conversations and glances for months. Draco knows that 'it' is coming and he was trying to think of any other memory he could take them to, anywhere else except-
Pucey, there he is. Granger pinned by him and Draco is vibrating with rage. He had nearly forgotten the way he had a hold of her felt disgusting. It ignites even more loathing in his chest. He threatened the older boy's life, nearly broke his arm and then he offered to escort her. He called her a 'troublemaker' and missed her fleeting smile, something he didn't notice at the time. Blaise sighed. "She likes you. Red never even speaks to me." The bitterness is felt on the back of his neck, like a whisper of something not really there.
Things are dull again but Blaise can see Draco struggling, he can feel him trying to fight this moment and by the time his memory self is unravelling after Granger asks to let her help, Blaise understands what and when this memory is. Draco tried to physically push him away, out of the library, yanking on his arm but Blaise held him back easily. "You can do better than that." He said, there is no laughter, no teasing in his face.
"Blaise. No. Don't do this."
"I'm trying to help you. Fight this, change it if you can. Anything to stop the replay. Veering it off course is the easiest way." He offered, trying to be helpful and Draco tried. He squeezed his eyes shut, anywhere but here. Anywhere but when he kissed her. He would even offer to go to the moment he got his mark. Past Draco is in her face, she looked so befuddled. '...It's all stopped. And you never wondered why?'
"Nonono! Stop! Stop this!" Draco dropped to his knees, head in his hands as the ache of an ice spike sliced through his skull. "No!" 'Because you're mine!' The room warped, everything stilling and stretching into black. Draco screamed so loud his throat ached as the memory distorted and shaped into another moment. Black everywhere, cold air, a soft voice and tears on his shirt. Halloween night. Fuck.
"What's this, then?" Blaise put his hands into his pockets and peeked his head over Past Draco's shoulder to look down at her. "Are you slow dancing??"
Draco grit his teeth, using his hands on the ground to stand but it was difficult. "No. Just - swaying. The wind. It was a weird night. She was crying."
"Oh, I can feel the weirdness. I can feel your ruddy heart in your throat as it breaks."
"I'm done with this. Get out, Blaise." Draco clenched his fists, livid, finished with sharing his pain this fully, this deeply with his friend. Especially with Blaise's cool indifference to everything.
"Then get me out. I don't play with kid gloves, Draco." There was fresh pain across his skull, deep in the base of his brainstem and he grunted, struggling to stay on his feet. He reached forward and grabbed Blaise by the hair and pulled him down with him. He bracketed his face with his hands and stared into his eyes, pushing at Blaise with his mind, the resistance feeling impenetrable but wavering.
"It's your turn!" Draco snarled. He didn't know if it worked this way or if it meant certain death, pushing into someone else's mind while they're both in another's memories but anything was better than this. He shoved until the pressure in his eyes felt like it burst and suddenly he is in Blaise's memory.
An empty corridor late at night near Astronomy class, maybe after dinner and he looked around the corner, Theo is there, halfway down the hallway. Blaise was looking for him but for some reason, he didn't go to him. He glanced again and Draco can see why. It's Granger. Theo is with Granger in a dark and quiet corridor and he has his arms around her. Blaise hadn't wanted Draco to see this - that's why it was in the forefront of his thoughts. He remembered being told Theo had an opportunity to make a pass at her but he didn't take it and he wondered - did his friends lie to him?
"Draco-" He heard Blaise but he didn't care. He stormed down toward the two and he got close enough to see Theo take Granger's chin in his hand and tilt her face up to his before everything is black. They both are thrown back into the real world, panting.
"What the fuck was that??" Draco bellowed, sweat down his back and dripping down his face. Blaise put his arms on his shoulders, trying to reassure him but it feels like he's holding him back. Draco shrugged and twisted himself free from Blaise and struggled to his feet, kicking the door open and storming deeper in the dungeons to find the back stabbing, curly haired cunt he called his friend.
The common room is sparse, Goyle looked up from trying to do homework when Draco snarled at him, slamming his hands on the desk and smudging his ink, "Nott. Where is he?!"
"Uuhmm. I think he went up a little while ago-?" He furrowed his brow in confusion as Draco strode to the stairs but the chair knocked over as Goyle went to follow. He must have realized the furious expression and knew it meant trouble.
Each step made his blood pump faster through his veins, his temper flared to its breaking point and when he reached their door, opened it and saw Theo, sitting cross-legged on his bed with a book in his hand, he completely forgot that the boy was a long term friend. He said nothing as he strode to him, fisted his hair and yanked him to the ground, his knee pressed onto his chest. He glared into Theo's hazel eyes and Draco took one long deep breath before exhaling out, "Don't fight me. It will only hurt worse," before he dove into his friend's memories.
- 6
- 7
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It Wouldn't Even Matter