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To Have and To Hold	By : MontanaDan Category: Harry Potter > Slash - Male/Male > Harry/Snape Views: 67410 -:- Recommendations : 1 -:- Currently Reading : 2
Disclaimer: I do not own Harry Potter, nor any of the characters from the books or movies. I do not make any money from the writing of this story.

Chapter List
- 7
- 8
- 9
Author�s Note: I know AFF is having a problems and I know that the chapter 2 is chapter 9 of someone else�s story. All the chapter of THTH are here though. I was asked by the author of the BtVS story if I could keep the chapter here until they found out if their story is intact. I will take it off the chapter list as soon I can. Thanks for your patience and to all those who took the time to review. You can also find all there is of this story on my live journal.
http://www.livejournal.com/users/montana_dan/
Chapter 8

Guilt
"Potter, what are you doing?"

Harry was stretched out beside him, the entire length of his naked body pressed against Severus� while the dark head lay on his chest, light fingers drawing patterns around his nipple.

Harry lifted his head to peer up at Severus.

"And if the words �cuddling� or �snuggling� leave that enticing mouth of yours, I will have to hex you."

Harry sighed, settling his head back on Severus� chest. "Just touching," was the sleepy reply. He rubbed cat-like against the whole of Severus� side. "Skin on skin. Feels so good."

Severus opened his mouth to reply.

Don�t say it. He�s had little to no physical affection growing up.

Severus sighed, running his own hand down Harry�s back. That was true. They both seemed to crave each other�s touch. His fingers slid over the raised bump at Harry�s hip again.

"Where did you get this?" Severus asked conversationally, running his finger across the length of the scar. He didn�t want Harry to fall asleep. As reluctant as he was to it, Harry had to leave soon.

"Fell into a bush," Harry replied softly.

That surprised Severus since he expected to hear something about one of Harry�s prior adventures.

"Oh?" he prompted.

"Didn�t get out of Dudley�s way fast enough." Harry�s fingers moved to Severus� shoulder. He traced one scar around the shoulder, then another across Severus� ribcage. "How did you get these?"

"I hardly think-"

Harry�s head came up again. "You started it."

You did.

"Very well," Severus said coolly. "This one," he indicated the scar across his lower abdomen is from my father." He leaned back into the pillow, closing his eyes. "The other one is from yours."

Harry stiffened noticeably.

"Need I go on?"

Dead silence followed the statement and Severus cracked an eye open to look down on Harry. Complete horror was clear on his brat�s face.

Severus almost had time to smirk before Harry�s expression turned to one of shame and he pulled out of Severus� arms.

"Oh God," Harry choked.

Bloody hell.

"Harry," Severus said quickly as he grabbed his arm. Harry twisted his arm away and he made it out of bed.

"Harry." Severus grabbed him again and pulled him down on top of him. "Stop it."

Harry started to struggle and Severus rolled them until he had the smaller man beneath him. Harry still wouldn�t meet his gaze and he was taking large gasps of breath.

"Potter!" It was the command tone in his voice that finally drew Harry�s gaze. "Your name is Harry, not James or Sirius," Severus deliberately quoted Harry.

"I�m-I�m sorry."

Severus scowled. "If you are apologizing for over-reacting, I accept," Severus told him. "If you are apologizing for your father, then I cannot. It is not your place nor your right to make apologies or restitution for someone else."

"But it was because of him that you hated me all these years."

"Yes, but you can see how wrong it was. What we could have missed. What happened anyway."

It was wrong? You can�t even say you were wrong, can you?

Harry�s eyes fell. "I don�t blame you for hating me."

"I don�t hate you."

"God, every time you look at me, you see my father."

Harry started to struggle again and Severus shifted as to better restrain him. "Wrong," Severus snapped.

"But-"

"You have actually attained much of your mother�s looks recently."

Harry stopped wiggling. "Really?"

Severus nodded. "Your father was also taller, broader and had a squarer face." Harry�s eyes were wide and curious.

And begging for acceptance.

Severus went on, "And you may have inherited some of his more annoying Gryffindor traits, but all in all," Severus paused to rake his eyes over Harry�s naked expression, "You are much more attractive than he ever was."

Distracting the brat with flattery?

It was the truth.

Yes. And he does blush so adorably.

Harry took a couple of deep breaths as he mulled over Severus� words. He looked up at Severus, half embarrassed, half relieved. "So I�m being an idiot?"

"Quite."

Harry scowled, trying to free his hands, which were still locked in Severus� grip. "You don�t have to agree so readily."

Severus smirked. "Don�t I?"

"You can let me go now."

Severus studied Harry�s position and marveled over the wondrous result of their physical power struggle. Naked and in his bed. Harry�s hands pinned over his head, his chest heaving, and Severus settled between his legs. Harry�s cock seemed to twitch as Severus� gaze fell upon it.

He met Harry�s gaze. "I don�t know, I find it� promising."

Harry�s brows rose. "Really?" He bent a leg and ran his toes up the back of Severus leg. Arching up, he rubbed his rapidly growing erection against Severus�.

"Insatiable brat," Severus murmured, lowering his head.

********

Harry pulled weakly at the binds fastening his wrists to the headboard. It didn�t matter that they were silk, or that his position pleased Severus to no end. The result was the same. Harry couldn�t touch Severus back.

And Harry ached to touch him. He wanted to explore Severus� body as thoroughly as Severus always explored Harry�s. He wanted to map it with his mouth, kiss and lick and bite every inch. Harry wanted to feel Severus around himself, make Severus groan and beg for Harry to take him.

"Severus," Harry whined, but it came out more like a raspy plea. "Please."

Severus tongue ran the length of Harry�s cock, pulling a hiss from Harry.

"Please, what?"

"I want to touch you." Harry was definitely begging. "When is it my turn?"

"My body is nowhere near as fascinating as yours is, my delicious brat," Severus said as his tongue delved into Harry�s navel and a finger trailed up the crack over the Harry�s sensitive opening. Harry�s hips jolted in response.

Severus continued to kiss his way up Harry�s chest. "It�s old and full of imperfections," he said against a nipple.

"I think you�re beautiful," Harry insisted, for all it was worth as Severus was more intent on making Harry writhe. Severus� words made Harry want to consume him. Severus really did see Harry, really did want Harry.

Severus moved to the other nipple, continuing his play.

"I may need to check the spell on your eyes," he murmured, advancing up Harry�s throat.

"Sev-"

Harry was cut off as Severus bit down gently on an already bruised spot.

Severus leaned up then and peered down on Harry. His eyes were bright with desire and his expression devouring. "Exquisite," he whispered.

Harry moaned as the voice floated over him. He pulled his knees up and held his legs open as far as he could.

With a growl, Severus lowered his head and entered Harry, still prepared from their night. Harry arched into the fullness, welcoming back the feeling of completeness.

"My Harry," Severus breathed into Harry�s mouth. Harry whimpered, latching back onto the sweetness of Severus� kisses.
************

"Harry."

Harry groaned and rolled over.

"Come on, loverboy. It�s time to get up."

"Go away," Harry said with irritation.

"Come on, Potter. Double potions with the Slytherins in 15 minutes." Ron�s amusement was plain in his voice. "Or maybe you want to explain to Professor Snape, in front of the entire class, why you couldn�t get up this morning."

Harry snorted. That would be rich. �Professor, I�m sorry I�m late. I couldn�t get out of bed this morning because I was sore from taking your cock up my arse last night.�

"Harry?"

"I�m up. I�m up," Harry called through the curtains.

"Well, hurry up," Ron yelled. "I�ll grab you a sausage and meet you down in the dungeons."

"Great," Harry said. "Thanks."

Back to the dungeons. Harry never thought he�d spend so much time down there and enjoy it. God how he enjoyed it.

Harry forced himself out of bed, glad he�d taken the time to shower before he fell into bed last night. Or was it this morning? Time at night was starting to blur.

His lessons were progressing well, at least Dumbledore seemed to think so. Severus had reported Harry�s talents as well as his proficiency to the Headmaster. But only some of them and not to the extent of what Severus had discovered.

"Only what he needs to know, Potter," Severus had told him.

When Severus wasn�t drilling Harry with information or testing his defenses, he was drilling him to the mattress and testing his sexual boundaries. Frankly, Harry was surprised by the man�s stamina.

Harry dressed quickly and gathered his things for class.

And he was learning so much about Severus the man. He was domineering and strict, but he was also fiercely protective. If a curse got through Harry�s shield, he would fuss over Harry until he was convinced Harry was okay, while at the same time muttering about how Harry should have paid better attention.

After sex, when they simply lay in quiet contemplation, Severus was also surprisingly open and receptive. He told Harry about his father and some of his childhood. He had a sister, whom Severus deemed an annoying relation, but Harry could tell that Severus was actually very fond of her. Harry also found himself telling Severus about the oddest things as well. That he wasn�t sure anymore if he wanted to be an Auror. He didn�t know if he could deal with constantly fighting darkness. How he really didn�t think he had to worry about it because he wasn�t sure if he was actually going to live.

Severus became outraged over that remark, accusing Harry of being all sorts of unpleasant things including an ungrateful, wretched selfish brat. Severus was insulted that Harry would think that he would waste his time if he didn�t think Harry could succeed.

That admission, accompanied by the most wonderful kiss, melted something inside Harry�s chest. Harry had felt more worthy than any other time in his life.

Then last night, Harry found out for certain that Severus did see him as Harry, not as his father�s son."

There were so many things he loved about Severus and just as many things that annoyed the hell out of him. Harry had to smile.

Their conversations were always intelligent and challenging. They had started working on a new sleeping potion. That had been so stimulating. With his recognized knowledge of potions, Harry was able to see how Severus� mind worked around the creation of a potion and he was awed.

Harry almost laughed out loud. Harry Potter crazy about Severus Snape? Who�d have thought? Sirius was going to have puppies over it, but Harry would worry about that later.

Double potions went well. Severus yelled at him three times for not paying attention and he lost 5 points for talking to Hermione. That had been a consultation on an ingredient, which Severus chose not to believe and coincidentally gave Harry detention on Friday night for arguing his case.

He left Potions feeling somewhat smug as his classmates commiserated on his bad luck and completely ignoring Hermione�s knowing grin.

They were about to make the turn before the staircase up when Harry�s pack split open, dropping the contents out over the floor.

"Damn," grumbled Harry, as he began to gather his stuff. "Go on, Hermione," Harry told her, pulling out his wand. "I�ll meet you and Ron in Transfiguration."

"All right."

Hermione moved off to meet Ron and Harry magically repaired his bag. He was stuffing his belongings back into the pack when two feet appeared before him. As he expected it to be Malfoy, Harry was surprised to see Zabini when he looked up.

Rising to his feet, Harry looked around. They were alone.

"Hey, Harry," Zabini said pleasantly enough.

"Hello, Zabini," Harry returned cautiously.

Zabini frowned at him. "You could call me Blaise, you know."

Harry eyed him suspiciously. "Blaise, then."

A full smile graced Zabini�s lips. "I like it when you use my name," he said, stepping closer to Harry. Harry stepped back, hitting the wall. Zabini put a hand against the wall beside Harry�s head and stepped closer. Harry tightened his grip on his pack, still clutching his wand.

"I�ve got to get to class," Harry said simply.

"I do too," the Slytherin said. "I just wanted to see if you were all right."

Harry blinked. "What?"

"Well, Snape was pretty nasty today," he explained. "I just-"

"I�ve been taking Snape�s crap for years," Harry told him. "I�m perfectly capable of dealing with him."

"Well said," Zabini said, inclining his head. "You know, if you like, I could probably get him to lay off you a bit."

Harry�s brows shot up. "Oh? How?" he challenged. This should be good.

"Well maybe if he knew you were nicer to Slytherins," Zabini explained. "He might not make it his mission in life to torment you."

Harry couldn�t help the ironic grin that crept onto his face. "I doubt it," Harry said. "It seems to be his forte."

"Don�t be such a pessimist," Zabini said, returning a smile.

"Well thanks but no," Harry said. "I think I can-"

Zabini�s mouth crushed his, cutting him off, at the same time as his body pressed Harry�s to the wall. It took Harry a moment to gather his wits, then he merely shoved Zabini away. Zabini landed on the ground on his arse from the force of it, and Harry leveled his wand.

Before Harry could stop himself, a hex left his lips.

He watched Zabini writhe a bit under the curse, then released him. Harry let him recover a minute from the feeling of insects crawling all over his skin, then he leaned over him.

"Touch me again, Zabini," Harry said menacingly, "and the next hex I use will remove your balls."

Zabini�s eyes flared wide as he pushed himself back to a seat.

Harry then summoned the rest of his belongings, letting them fall into his bag, closed it and walked away.

*******

Severus slammed his office door, hearing everything rattle by the force. The bloody bastard. The door to his personal office slammed next as Severus went through it.

I�m sure it was nothing.

Nothing? How could it be nothing? Zabini was a bloody good looking boy.

Harry likes you.

And Harry�s age.

Harry doesn�t care.

The sight of Blaise trapping Harry against the wall, their lips mashed together�

The contents of Severus work table hit the floor as Severus cleared it with his arm.

That was Harry�s experimental potion.

Harry�s adorable smile blooming. Zabini smiling back. The bookshelf was next. It crashed to the floor, books skidding across the floor.

"Harry was mine," Severus ranted.

Harry is yours.

It had not even been a month and the whelp was off looking for someone else. More vials shattered. Severus had thought he�d done everything right this time.

You should have let Harry touch you the way he wanted when you had the chance.

But Harry was already too close to touching Severus� heart.

A cauldron went flying across the room.

He�s better off anyway.

Not the dragon�s blood!

Severus took a deep breath. He looked down at his hand then gently replaced the valuable beaker back on the shelf.

He still needs you.

Perhaps, but not enough. Harry was finished with him.

No!

He let Zabini touch him. Anger flared again, the pain cutting right through Severus. Why couldn�t he keep anything pure and good? Why did everyone turn away from him?

Severus set the wards, and, ignoring the mess he had created, turned to his stash of firewhiskey.

*******

All in all, it had been a good night. Harry was half glad he didn�t have to report to the dungeons tonight. He really needed some uninterrupted sleep. He rested well enough in Severus� bed, but the sleep was sporadic and mixed with other things.

They had also gotten a lot of homework done and Harry was very glad to be turning in. Ron tried to bait him about missing his nightly sex, but Harry merely shrugged and grinned, which drove Ron crazy.

******

Lucius stood before Voldemort�s throne awaiting the repercussions of the conversation he�d had earlier with Draco. He had just conveyed it to the Dark Lord and was hoping for the best.

"He is sure?" the Dark Lord asked. It was impossible to tell whether he was skeptical, curious or just prolonging the wait before he cursed Lucius into a profusion of pain.

"Yes, Master," Lucius said directly. "He is interested in someone. He appears oblivious to Draco�s advances."

"Who?"

"We are unsure as of yet," Lucius said and rushed on to assure, "Draco is doing everything in his power to find out."

The Dark Lord�s gaze was direct and intense. Lucius met it unwaveringly.

"Very well, Lucius," the Dark Lord finally said with a sigh. "I believe you. Draco has earned a reprieve. However, I am not pleased."

Big surprise there. "I know, my lord." Lucius dropped his gaze. "I apologize that I do not have better news."

Voldemort rose from his throne and waved off the apology. "I�m quite sure of that," he said. "Come, I need to find an outlet for my disappointment."

Oh this is bad. "Where to, My Lord."

"I believe we should visit Surrey."

********

Harry felt such smug satisfaction as he stared at the front of the house numbered four. It puzzled him as he never felt those particular emotions before when looking at his relative�s house.

Two figures dressed in black popped into view in front of him. They were also facing the house.

"Proceed," Harry said.

Proceed?

The two people raised their arms and Harry could clearly see their wands. Light shot from the tips but seemed to bounce off some sort of invisible perimeter around the house. The two continued throwing spells at the house and were soon joined by another, but the barrier wouldn�t let anything through.

"Nothing, my lord."

My Lord?

Harry raised his own wand and shouted a spell he had never even heard of. It was a cold, high pitched voice that Harry wished he didn�t know. But the curse did nothing.

Voldemort�s frustration raged inside Harry and Harry started struggling. He tried to follow the link in his mind to Voldemort, determined to break the contact.

Voldemort held fast.

"Very well," said Voldemort. "A short reprieve. But I have your attention now, Harry, and I intend to take full advantage of it."

NO! Harry�s mind screamed but he could feel the icy tendrils of Voldemort�s thoughts as they tightened their hold.

"Nott, McAbe," Voldemort called. "To the second site, immediately."

Harry was only half-aware that they had apparated somewhere else as he was busy trying to focus his thoughts. He tried to blank them out, but the constant pang in his head from Voldemort�s presence was a distraction.

A man was dragged before him and thrust to the floor at his feet. Voldemort addressed the man, but Harry began to panic. Harry knew what Voldemort was going to do and why.

Struggling with his mental defenses and now his guilt, Harry tried relentlessly to pull away from the link. Voldemort raised his wand.

Harry screamed as the first curse hit and it jolted him from sleep. The pain didn�t stop though. Voldemort had a firm hold on the link, and now Harry was powerless to wrest it away.

God it was so bad. So much pain. It kept going on and on. Harry writhed and arched to it. How had Voldemort gotten in? How much would that poor man be forced to endure just to make Harry suffer?

At a lull, Harry forced himself out of bed and staggered to his bag. He needed potions, anything to make it stop. Nothing in his bag would help. What should-

Severus. He had to get to Severus.

Pulling a robe around him, he fumbled down the steps, missing the last two steps as another spell hit him. He struggled back to his feet, pure will pushing his body on.

He made it to the dungeons although he wasn�t sure how. Severus� door didn�t open for him. He knocked. No answer. He knocked again.

The pain hit again and Harry hit his knees. Wrapping the cloak around him, he continued to knock and scratch at the door. Where was Severus?

Oh, God. Maybe he had been called. Maybe he was there.

Another wave of agony passed over him, locking his muscles. Harry rode it out and knocked again.

He continued to pound on the door although his blows were getting softer, his scratches weaker. The wood of the door had broken the skin and his knuckles began to bleed.

Intense, throbbing of pain hit him again and he slumped against the door.

Where was Severus? Why couldn�t he get in?

*********

Severus groggily trudged his way into his lab. Thank Merlin he didn�t progress into that room while in his temper. He haphazardly groped until he found the vial he sought and quickly downed the remedy. Served him right to drink himself into such a state.

He was disgusted with himself. He knew better than to trust a Gryffindor, especially a young, inexperienced-

Beautiful, loyal-

Severus snorted. Loyal, indeed.

"Severus?"

Great.

Severus adjusted his appearance as well as he could then returned to his study to answer the fire.

"Yes, Headmaster?" Severus said wearily.

"I�m sorry to bother you so early, Severus." The Headmaster�s expression was as weary as Severus� own and Severus was instantly alert. "But Harry seems to be missing."

Pain flared through his chest again and Severus swallowed the lump in his throat. It wouldn�t be the first time Zabini had arranged to take a love interest into Draco�s room.

Severus sighed tiredly. "He is 17. I�m sure he�s merely with-"

"Severus," Albus interrupted, his tone serious, "Harry�s Aunt and Uncle�s house was attacked last night."

By Merlin.

"And?" Severus prompted breathlessly, praying that no one was hurt. He didn�t think Harry could bear it, even if he wasn�t loved there, he knew Harry didn�t wish them harm.

"The Dursley�s weren�t injured," Albus informed. "They could not get into the house, but Voldemort�s magical signature was present."

"Meaning he was there and he tried."

"Yes." Dumbledore nodded gravely. "It also means that the intent was personal. He could have tried to forge link with Harry and force him to watch."

Severus shuddered.

"We also received an anonymous tip that there would be a Death Eater strike last night."

"Oh?" Severus had heard nothing about any attempt on Harry�s house nor on any plans for assassination. "Who?"

"Mr. Babbit from the Underwriting Department."

"Was the Dark Lord in attendance at that location as well?" He rarely went on individual assassinations unless they were important.

"Yes, and it was rather vicious I�m afraid. The extent of damage and dark magic present suggests hours of torture on his victim."

Severus puzzled over it. Babbit certainly wasn�t that important. Unless he just wanted to�

Torment Harry through the link.

"And Mr. Weasley said that Harry went to bed with the rest of them around 10:00 pm. But he�s not in the dorm or the common room now. A castle wide search is being done, discreetly of course, but since he tends to find you�"

Albus trailed off and Severus� stomach clenched up. He felt the blood drain from his face. The Dark Lord�s vision of Crabbe�s death had gotten through Harry�s shields. Had Harry come down to him, like Severus had told him, or had he gone to Zabini for comfort? Blaise wouldn�t have known how to handle a screaming, tortured Harry. Blaise would have come for help.

"I will search the dungeons, Headmaster," Severus promised.

"Thank you, Severus."

Albus disappeared from the hearth and Severus quickly finished dressing. Rushing to the door, he flung it open and almost tripped over the body that slid prone at his feet.

Great Merlin.

Severus carefully rolled Harry over, flinching at the blood dried on his face, obviously from his scar. Harry�s right hand was also bloodied, the knuckles and fingertips scraped raw from knocking and clawing.

When Severus had warded his room, he�d forgotten to include admittance for Harry.

Harry couldn�t get in.

Severus carefully picked up the unconscious form and carried him through to his private chambers.

He came to you, like you nagged him to do and you shut him out.

Guilt was a familiar emotion to Severus. Regardless of Harry�s sexual partners, liaisons, it was still Severus� duty to care for him.

You told him you would help him.

Severus fought to ignore the voice, which echoed every condemning thought he felt to his bones as he laid Harry down on the bed. He quickly retrieved a damp cloth and began to bathe the blood off his face.

Harry startled, taking great gasps of breath.

"Shh," Severus told him. "It�s all right."

Green eyes opened wide, darting around in confusion. "Se-Sev�rus?"

"I�m here, Harry. Relax."

"Couldn�t get in," he rasped, his voice rough. "Tried. Couldn�t get in."

"I know, Harry." Severus swallowed painfully. "I�m sorry."

Still panting, Harry whispered, "So much pain." His muscles relaxed as Severus continue to wipe his forehead with the warm rag. "Couldn�t get in to you." His lids fluttered then stayed closed. "Tried," he whispered.

Severus stroked Harry�s hair as he dropped into sleep again, cursing his temper and his judgmental possessiveness. He pulled Harry into his chest, clutching him like a lifeline.

He should have been there. He should have controlled himself.

It�s your fault he suffered.

"I�m so sorry, Harry," he whispered into the matted dark locks. Severus continued to stroke Harry�s head, rocking slightly as he tried to control his breathing. His eyes were burning and his throat felt tight. "So sorry," he choked.

That�s the story of your life, isn�t it?
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To Have and To Hold