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More Than Nothing	By : Qestral Category: Harry Potter > Slash - Male/Male > Harry/Draco Views: 8583 -:- Recommendations : 0 -:- Currently Reading : 0
Disclaimer: I do not own Harry Potter, nor any of the characters from the books or movies. I do not make any money from the writing of this story.

Chapter List
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MTN ch. 8: The Point

This story is based on characters and situations created and owned by JK Rowling, various publishers including but not limited to Bloomsbury Books, Scholastic Books and Raincoast Books, and Warner Bros., Inc. No money is being made and no copyright or trademark infringement is intended.

Chapter Eight:
The Point

5 August

Woke up after
another Draco dream. I've only mentioned a few of those, though
they've pretty much been all I've dreamed about this summer.

I have to write
this one down. I have to get it out of my head or I'm going to do
nothing but obsess about it all day.

In the dream,
school had started. I kept seeing Draco in the hallways, and for
whatever reason I was trying to be friendly with him. It was one of
those dreams where being friends with him was the natural thing to
do. I smiled at him in the halls, and asked him about his day, and
then, for no reason, I hugged him. It seemed like a good idea, like
that was normal.

But he just
looked at me and said,“Would you shove off already? I don't
like you.”

I felt like I'd
been punched in the heart. He walked off, and I spent the rest of the
dream trying to find him and apologize. Just at the end, I think I
pulled it off, but I was waking up as it happened, so... I don't
know.

It all looks
really easy on paper, really simple and easy to forget, but in the
dream, it was like I was living in a completely different reality.
One where he and I were supposed to be getting along really well.
When I ran up and hugged him, he was supposed to hug me back.
Something was wrong, and when he said all that, I felt like I
could've found some quiet corner of the castle, curled up, and died
over that sense of rejection.

There was a lot
that was going unsaid in the dream, too. There was this backstory to
what was happening, sort of like opening to the middle of a book and
reading from there, so you have no idea what's going on. It was like
we had been really close (maybe even openly dating), but something
had changed. He was moving on, I guess, and had decided he didn't
care about me anymore.

Besides
apologizing to him, I was also trying to tell him that, even if he
hated me, I still cared about him. I don't know why it was so
important that he know I still cared. I guess I was trying to let him
know that, even if he hates me, I would still be there if he needed
someone to talk to.

That feeling
was horrible. I felt like I'd been abandoned by the only person I
wanted to be with.

I can't shake
that feeling, either. It's like the bite-sized version of being near
a Dementor.

6 August

Remembered I
had some Honeydukes stashed under the floorboard, and thought “If
it works on Dementors, maybe it'll work on this.” It helped a
little; I feel like doing more than just lay on my side staring at
the wall all day.

I went to the
library and talked with Mr. Bentley. He commented that I looked a
little sad about something. I told him that I'd had this dream about
someone I liked throwing my heart in the mud, and I was still really
upset about it even though it didn't actually happen.

He, of course,
assumed I was talking about a girl. I didn't do anything to change
his mind.

“Have you
told her you like her?” he asked.

“Well,
no,” I said.

“Do you
know for a fact that she'll reject you?”

“Yes.
She”—haha, I referred to Draco as a 'she'—“told
me that she hates me.”

Mr. Bentley
looked a little surprised by this, but still thought of a logical
response. “I suppose this gives you as good occasion as any to
practice compassionate love.”

I looked at him
like he was crazy. “How's that?”

“To love
someone compassionately is to love them for everything they are, even
if part of what makes them who they are doesn't involve loving you
back.”

A group of
mothers with their children—one of the wizarding homeschool
groups for the under-eleven kids—approached the front counter,
and Mr. Bentley had to excuse himself to check them out. I sat there
and thought about what he said, then just got up and left because
thinking about it was only making me frustrated. I kept thinking,
“What's the point of loving someone if they don't love you
back?”, which kept being answered by “The point is to
love them compassionately.” If you love someone for who they
are, then it doesn't matter if they don't love you, too. It can be
the part you like the least about them, but you still love them
anyway.

Sort of like
how Aunt Petunia loves Dudley even though he's a disgusting pig. He
whines and he moans and complains, and he throws tantrums and he's
horribly overweight, but she still loves him.

I realized that
and found a sort of admiration for her. Either she's very true to her
mothering instinct, or she's really stupid.

There's no
excuse for Uncle Vernon, though.

“The point
is to love them compassionately.” I didn't like that answer.
I still don't. If Draco's not going to respond with similar feelings,
then I see no point in being in love with him.

Since I don't
have much choice in the matter, getting angry isn't going to help
much. It made me feel better for a little while, but it's tiring to
be angry all the time over something I have no control over.

It's easier to
be angry than just accept that this is how things are.

Why the hell
can't emotions make more sense?

Erk... I'm more
angry than I thought. I just punched the pillow and it exploded. Was
that magic? Or was that just me hitting really hard?

...Shit. That
had to have been magic.

*later*

No one from the
Ministry has shown up. No owls. I just spent the last hour afraid I'd
never go back to Hogwarts.

I was afraid
I'd never see Draco again because of it, too. Now I'm just angry at
him again. WHY WON'T HE GO AWAY?!

7 August

I wish there
were some way of cutting Draco out of my life entirely. Something
that didn't involve someone dying. I'm so tired of thinking about him
all the time, and I want to either accept that I love him and be able
to let it go, or stop loving him so I don't have that weighing on my
thoughts.

It would be
easier to hate him. If I could make myself hate him, then no one at
school would really notice there was anything strange going on; it'd
be a lot like old times.

I have plenty
of reason to hate him, too. He's rude, he's sneaky, he's
self-absorbed, and if for anything else, I can hate him for hating
me.

*later*

As much as I
want to hate him, though... I feel like a terrible person. I mean,
when it comes down to it, I never really tried to know him as
anything more than what I saw when we were together late at night. If
I still wanted to be with him, then obviously I saw something there
that was worth holding onto, even though he's such a berk most of the
time. I don't understand why I want to be with him, especially when I
have more reasons not to be.

8 August

Aunt Petunia
reminded me this morning that Dudley and Vernon are coming back on
the fifteenth. Unless, of course, Dudley makes it to the final
competition, then he comes home on the twenty-third. I feel sorry for
whoever he's fighting, but I still hope he makes it to the finals. I
got a letter from Mrs. Weasley asking if I want to go stay at The
Burrow after she takes Ron, Ginny, Hermione and me school shopping on
the 20^th, which would mean going without seeing Dudley the
entire summer.

Sounds like a
dream come true.

I still have to
deal with Aunt Petunia, but it feels like we've reached a sort of
truce for the time being. I still have to do all the cleaning up, but
she's nicer about it now. The order to clean isn't enforced by a
threat.

I think she and
I would've gotten on much better if Dudley and Vernon had never been
part of the picture. More reason not to like either of them.

Oh well. Too
late now, I guess.

12 August

I've come to a
sort of acceptance, over the past few days, that I'm never going to
have anything with Draco, and I can let it go. It's not going to be
easy to just ignore him after all the frustration I've dealt with
this summer, and the few occasions where I'll have to deal with him a
lot will be difficult, but the other option involves a lot of crying
in public. Or Draco rejecting me to my face again, which I'm pretty
sure I can't handle after that stupid dream.

Aunt Petunia
got a call from Dudley today. I know it was Dudley because of how
ridiculously she started talking. “Oh my ickle Dudders, are you
enjoying your stay darling?” Horrible.

Dudley's made
it into the final competition, and Aunt Petunia fussed over how brave
he was, how delicate he is and whether or not he's been injured, and
then how well he's doing and how proud she is. Vernon must've gotten
on the phone then because her tone became more normal and she told
him, “Oh, he's been no trouble. I know, calm before the storm,
but he'll be leaving soon and won't be back for the rest of the
summer.” That's about the nicest thing Aunt Petunia's ever said
about me. Not bad.

As soon as she
realized I'd heard that much of the phone conversation, though, she
sent me out to weed the garden until dinner time, and since the
garden hasn't been weeded for weeks it was overrun. That was
irritating, but it's a step up from being locked in my room.

15 August

I've been
thinking, lately, about the night I told Draco we had to stop
meeting. I hadn't been entirely sure I was going to end it that
night, but when he rushed forward like that, I felt really excited to
see him and then really upset because I knew he didn't do it for
anything other than wanting to get off. I almost went along with it
anyway, thinking I could end it after we were done, but I didn't
think I could go through with it with that in mind. I ended it, and I
bet not waiting until after we were done—or he was, at
least—was the most frustrating part for Draco. Which makes
sense, since he went along because he wanted to get off.

I've wondered a
lot about what would've happened if I hadn't ended it. I'd have
probably spent the summer trying to get over the emotional attachment
and convincing myself that it was all just for the sex instead of
getting over the emotional attachment and convincing myself I can
love him without dating him.

Agh. Dating
Malfoy... A year ago, that thought would've been disgusting for
anyone to be doing. Now, though...

Huh. I guess
people change.

I keep thinking
that in a year or two, this whole mess will look really silly.
Stupid, even. Right now, though, it just hurts. I want it to stop. I
want to stop obsessing over it. I want to stop thinking about it
altogether.

At the same
time, when I consider having someone obliviate me, I get scared. I
don't want to forget any of this ever happened. I don't want to
forget about him. I just don't want to think about it like this
anymore. The way things are just make me angry. Can't I skip this
part and go straight to looking back on it without any attachment to
it?

18 August

I'm already
packed to go to the Weasley's. Mostly, anyway; I've still got this
journal out, and some remaining chocolate that I'm pretty sure I can
finish by the twentieth.

No more dreams
of Draco. No fights with Aunt Petunia. No Dudley, no Uncle Vernon, no
doubt that this next school year will start without a hitch. Or less
of a hitch than years past, at least.

I still think
about Draco. A lot. I don't want to, but when I think of stopping I
get this knot in my stomach, so I just let it go. I can't think of
anything else to think of, besides things like Voldemort or NEWTs,
and those are things I REALLY don't want to think of. Draco may be
hard to think about, but he's safer. Which is a really weird thought
and not something I would ever admit to out loud. Draco Malfoy should
not be 'safe' to Harry Potter. But for the purposes of just thinking,
he's less scary. He's less likely to happen, while the other two are
inevitable.

19 August

Leaving
tomorrow! No Dudley, no Vernon, and a less mean Aunt Petunia for this
summer! This has been the best summer ever, or would be if it weren't
for the whole Draco thing. But I'm in too good of a mood to think
about that right now, because tomorrow I am LEAVING!

Ron owled and
said that his mum would be flooing in tomorrow in the late morning,
so I've let Hedwig out to hunt and told her to be back by sunrise or
she'd have to fly to The Burrow on her own. I'm pretty sure she
understood, though she didn't seem impressed by the idea of 'having'
to fly to The Burrow; she'd have no problem with that.

Spent a little
time this morning being annoyed with Draco for constantly being in my
thoughts. I don't blame him, exactly. Technically, it's his fault,
since he's living, but it's mine too. I fell for him, after all; he
never forced me into it.

I read that
last sentence over again and wondered what my inner twelve year-old
is thinking of that. He's probably horrified.

I went to the
library one last time to say goodbye for the summer to Mr. Bentley,
who told me to say hello to Madame Pince and wished me a good seventh
year. I don't know what I'll do with myself after this school year,
but I'll have to make sure it gives me time to come visit Mr. Bentley
once in a while.

Going to try to
sleep, now. Mrs. Weasley probably wants me to be dressed and ready
when she arrives.

20 August

It's very early
in the morning. I'm already washed and dressed and ready to go.
Hedwig is in her cage waiting. I can't wait to go; I want to see the
Weasleys again, and Hermione, and Diagon Alley even. This day is
going to be great.

*Later*

Oh my god.
Whoa. What... Agh. There are no words for this day. I'm confused and
stunned and just... whoa.

I saw Draco
today and... uhm. Shit, there's just not enough time right now to
write what happened.

Oh
My God. What the hell DID just happen?
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