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Angel Of Mercy	By : AttentionDeficit Category: Harry Potter > Slash - Male/Male > Harry/Draco Views: 10159 -:- Recommendations : 0 -:- Currently Reading : 0
Disclaimer: I do not own Harry Potter, nor any of the characters from the books or movies. I do not make any money from the writing of this story.

Chapter List
- 7
- 8
- 9
Caught Me on Standby
Break Down.
The scariest words I know when put together. And for me, it’s coming, my Breakdown, the big finish. The dam is cracking even as I lie here on this damnable white bed, staring at the faded white ceiling. The ceiling doesn’t change. The ceiling doesn’t have to break down. The ceiling just protects people from the weather.
I used to want to protect people from the weather of this world, keep them sheltered so no one has to know pain anymore. Hell, I think I actually did do that for a while, but, I made myself feel the pain and heartache of everyone else. I can be so stupid sometimes, but it was for the greater good, and people love those who act for the greater good.
But, that has all fallen away now and it’s left me in this mess. I am what I am. I have come to the terms with that. I am who I am, and I won’t be able to change myself mentally. I will still think that green and silver are beautiful together and that red stands for love not hatred or murder.
I know with enough medication I can see myself and the world in a different light but I don’t want to cover it all up with a pretty little pill.
If there is ugliness, let it shine through, for I would rather see such ugliness then be fooled by a fake shinning light. Like a hero who in turn is really the root of all problems.
Speaking of heroes, our saviour is causing me so many internal questions. That I will never speak out loud. Such as “Why the fuck did I kiss him?” and “What the fuck am I doing picturing myself fucking him?” or my personal favourite “Am I turning in to a horny school boy over him?”
The last question I might be able to answer with an acceptable answer that doesn’t result in me falling head over heels for some dumb fuck who is still my enemy. Well, at any rate it’s fun to pretend he is, someone to hate besides myself, my parents, Dumbledore, Snape and the world, because it is always so nice to hate someone.
Anyway the answer to the question is a simple ‘yes’. I say this because I haven’t had sex for the entire time I have been in here, which seems to be a long time. I’m truthfully not sure how long it has been. I’m guessing around six weeks. ‘Gasp’ think of the state I’m in if I’m not even keeping track of time anymore. I mean I used to be so precise and exact and now I can’t even tell you if it was morning or afternoon. Although we haven’t had a meal for a while so I’m guessing it’s afternoon and just about time for lunch.
“But since I am only guessing, I must be losing it.” I say to the wall. Shit…Look at the state I’m in, talking to the walls again. I am so hopeless.
* * *
It is time for lunch. Today’s lovely lunch is a tea biscuit with a few pieces of celery and cottage cheese. Damn, they went all out.
I take my measly food and walk over to Potter’s table and sit next to him.
He glares at me.
His eyes shine with hatred and…something else?
”What the fuck?” I whisper in complete surprise. “What happened to the talking inferi?”
”What are you talking about, ferret?” Potter grumbles at me.
”Just that!” I pointed out. “When was the last time you called me any name besides Malfoy? You’ve been dead to the world emotionally for the entire time I’ve been here and who knows how long before that, so what’s with the sudden burst of anger towards me now?”
”Maybe because you’ve made me so fucking sick of your bullshit all the time that I have become super-fucking-pissed and decided to take it out on you.” Potter spat.
”I did not give you any bullshit!” I hiss becoming angry at him for being angry.
”Oh yeah? You fucking kissed me! Nobody is allowed to do that. No-fucking-one! That is extremely intimate and private. Not something I want to share with someone like you! Especially since you will never love me!” He hissed.
”What? Do you want me to love you?” I spat back at him.
”I want somebody to!” He yells.
I am speechless. Dumbstruck. Struck dumb. I can’t believe he told me that.
”God damnit, Malfoy, you couldn’t possibly know the ache I feel. The wanting, the longing, for somebody, anybody to just love me-“
”To just wrap their arms around you and hold you tight, to kiss away your tears when the world is all on your shoulders, to be the one to wake you up in the morning or just simply have someone wrapped around you when you fall asleep each night.” I whisper as I feel my heart ache for myself and for the man in front of me. “Yes, Potter, I do know what it feels like. I am not an emotionless, cold bastard. I only let you see that cold side of me.”
”That’s not entirely true. I saw you cry, once. In Moaning Myrtles bathroom, when you were fixing the cabinets and it wasn’t working and Voldemort was going to kill your parents.” Potter whispered back to me in a soft voice, almost as if he was scared that I might start crying now at the memory.
”That was the last time I cried.” Why did I just tell him that?
”That’s dumb. I used to cry all the time. I used to do nothing but cry.”
”What about now?”
”Same boat as you, can’t cry. Not in this place. It’s so stupid though. We could pack up and leave if we really wanted to. We are legal adults; we make our own rules, so why the hell are we not sharing ourselves with the people that might actually help us? Why aren’t we crying when we feel upset? Why are we so emotionally dead?”
“We’re scared of the reaction people will convey by it, of course. So, therefore, we are on standby.” I say simply. “Why should we tell the world what it was and is really like for us? We have both kept what we have been through, a secret. And I am dead sure that if I start telling people even a little bit of what I have been through, it will all pour out right after.”
”Me too, so, let’s do it.”
”What?”
”Let’s spill our past. I have a therapy session this afternoon and I am willing to spill every miniscule detail of the past twenty-seven years of my life if you will to…?”
”Why do I have to do it too? Why can’t you just do it alone?”
”Scared, Malfoy?”
”Abso-fucking-lutly.”
”So am I. I’m terrified of someone seeing the real me and then judging me.”
”Why?”
”But therapists aren’t here to judge you. They are there to give you unbiased help. They are there to listen to what you have to say and never tell you what you should feel. Or at least that’s what my therapist says and I believe her.”
”You never answered my question, why can’t you do it alone?”
”Because I don’t believe I will do it. If someone does it with me, even if we aren’t in the same room or with the same therapist or even at the exact same time, then I think I can. I can’t go into this without knowing that I’ll have someone outside of that office that will be there for me afterwards. I’m going to need a shoulder to cry on. For, even though I’ll be able to hold myself together in the office, I don’t know how long I’ll be able to afterwards.”
”And what better shoulder to cry on then the one of your suppose-to-be enemy.” I finished.
”So do we have a deal?”
”Damn, Potter, I knew you had the ability to get large crowds all ruffled up, but who knew that that ability worked on me too, how very strange.” I sighed. “Fine, I accept your deal but on one condition.”
”What’s that?”
”I get to kiss you again after our emotional ‘breakdown’.” I must be going crazy. There is NO way he’ll agree to that…but I really want to find out if this is more than horny school boy lust.
”Deal, meet me right back here at dinner. I ‘m almost positive our stories will take all afternoon.” Potter then stands up and walks away.
Maybe he too wants to see if I am falling for him. Or is this the other way around? Is he falling for me?
________________
Quotes:
“Look at the shape I'm in
Talking to the walls again.”
-Finger Eleven
-Talking to the Walls
Thank you so much.
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I am not an expert on depression or suicide. I don't know everything. What I do know is from my readings, or knowledge I have gained from battling depression for the last three years.
I apologize if this story offends you or hurts you in anyway. Know that I don't want to hurt you and I love you even if I don't know you or say I hate you.
Always know someone out there loves you and if you feel like committing the big S. Don't. Talk to someone. Somebody will care.
-Laura
-Attention Deficit.
While I also am not an expert on suicide or depression, I am going through it myself, and while I can’t give you facts, I can give you an ear or a shoulder if you need the help, I’ll always be available to help you as much as I can.
If you want to commit suicide, talk to someone first, it WILL help. You are wanted by someone and if you can’t think of someone, then think of all the fanfiction you won’t be able to read anymore…no I’m kidding…Search for someone, tell your parents, if you can’t tell your parents tell you friends, find someone to talk to.
-Laila
-The-Sponge-Who-Could-Fly
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Angel Of Mercy