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Linger	By : starstruck86 Category: Harry Potter > Slash - Male/Male > Snape/Remus Views: 3932 -:- Recommendations : 0 -:- Currently Reading : 0
Disclaimer: I do not own Harry Potter nor do I make any money from these writings.

Chapter List
- 7
- 8
- 9
�For it was not into
my ear you whispered, but into my heart. It was not my lips you kissed, but my
soul." ~Judy Garland

Something
within Severus was breaking as Remus kissed down his neck, gripping him tightly
as he pressed him into the hallway of the flat he�d shared with Sirius. Fingers
curled around his erection and tugged at it; Severus couldn�t help his gasp.

Oh God. This isn�t how it was meant
to happen.

Severus had
been trembling all day. Nervous, scared; and he was filled with dread at what
he had been planning to do. It had been a very simple plan. To walk up to
Remus� front door, enter the flat, sit him down, and talk to him. A
conversation which he didn�t want to have, but had forced himself to believe
was the right way forward.

But no,
Remus being Remus had scuppered his well measured plan by pouncing on him,
dragging him to a wall, kissing him, touching him, heating his soul up into a
furnace which burnt away the plan like it had merely been thin resolve. But it
wasn�t. Severus knew, even as he gasped at the intrusion behind him, as his
dick responded to it, that his resolve was intact and thicker than ever. And
that the whole process was more akin to torment than pleasure.

He should
have been able to carry out the conversation before now. Christmas had been
days ago. But on Boxing Day they�d woken up so beautifully curled together, he
couldn�t shatter the glass cage. And then the morning after, Remus had woken up
with a hideous bout of �flu and was bed-ridden until New Year�s Day, his moon injuries
making the illness longer than it should have been. Severus had played the
willing nurse the best he could �it wasn�t hard to sit and fawn over Remus,
who, in his fever, had looked more beautiful than Severus had ever seen him.
And then it was New Years Day� who wanted to start the year that way?

And so
somehow, selfishly, they�d got to the 8^th of January before Severus
found himself with the stomach to do it. The date was significant to Remus in
all the wrong ways. But Severus had known, from the way he had dropped a plate
that morning due to his shaking hands, that it was time, and that he had to do
it, as soon as possible.

�Oh god
Severus,� Remus breathed into his ear, and thrust him harder into the wall from
behind, pumping his hand up and down erratically in his own eagerness to come.

Severus
could only breathe. Replying was beyond him. With each thrust he fancied he
could feel another tear in his very make-up, in his soul. He knew he was a fool
to be giving this up. It would be more
foolish to hang around and wait to be crushed.

�Oh god
yes, yes, yes��

Remus was
so wound up. Severus had only managed to hear some of the reason why before
Remus had started on him, his anger translating into a sexual tension which,
had Severus not been so unstable, he was sure would have had him creaming his
underwear just from the sight.

The reason
Remus was so pent up was that he had had contact from the Werewolf Registration
Unit at the Ministry. They had been to discuss his full moon precautions.
Whilst they had left satisfied and not threatened any kind of captivity, the
whole thing had shamed his lover and hurt him deeply. Another reason Severus
was going to feel like evil by the end of the evening.

I have to do this� Severus repeated it over and over in
his mind as Remus panted in his ear, seemingly unaware that Severus was
receiving absolutely no pleasure from his administrations. It was with relief
that Severus felt a hot rush within him and heard the unmistakable growling in
his ear.

It didn�t
take Remus long to cotton on, though, that he was still holding onto a hard
erection, and that Severus was oddly stiff against him. �Sev?� he whispered
enquiringly. �Are you okay?�

�N-no,�
Severus thought he might as well start early, even though he would have
preferred to have been dressed for the conversation.

He groaned
as Remus pulled out of him and cast cleaning spells, before turning him around
with his hands on his shoulders. His eyes were golden in the dim light, looking
straight into their black counterparts, searching for an answer.

�Tell me
what�s wrong?� He moved closer, and looked down between them at the
surprisingly still hard erection that hit his softening one. �Actually, first,
let me take care of that.�

�No, its
fine, you don�t have to-� Severus protested feebly but as he had suspected, the
words fell on deaf ears.

What he
didn�t expect, however, was that Remus would pick him up in a bridal-style lift
and carry him into the bedroom, leaving their clothes
on the floor in the hall where they�d fallen in their haste. He put Severus
gently on the bed and immediately swung round so he was sitting on his chest,
back to Severus� face, his own pointedly towards his crotch.

�Remus,
please�� Severus had been trying to plead for him to get off, but, seemingly
completely unaware of anything, Remus took it as a pleading for him to hurry
up, which he did.

Severus hadn�t
meant to buck up into his face when those lips closed around his dick. He
really hadn�t. But in the face of it he couldn�t do anything. And Remus�
tongue, so skilled, was lapping against him expertly, swirling around in a
circle, laving back and forth, digging into the slit and repeating the
sequence.

�Oh fuck it, Remus,� Severus knew it sounded more like a sob than a cry of
pleasure, probably because it was.

His only
reply was a sped up repeat of all the different actions, and felt fingers
curling around the base to match. Severus whimpered and bucked a few more
times, another sob building in his throat. He had to do something to shut up
his sorrow. So he let his hands find the hips in front of him and pulled,
surprised when Remus moved so easily at first. But then Severus saw the newly
building erection and understood, and it was with relief that he let it slide
between his lips and put his own tongue to better use than giving him away.

It was
hard, however, to concentrate, when Remus was working so effectively on sucking
his orgasm out of him. His own attempt was clumsier than he had ever known
himself to be, other than the first time he�d done it. Remus didn�t seem to
mind, but then that was Remus. Severus knew he considered himself already
satisfied from before, and that he was trying to level the playing field in the
orgasm count.

He cares about you. He�s doing this
for you. He wants to love you. Why the hell aren�t you letting him?

Severus
tried to ignore the inner voice which, up until recently, had been so helpful
to him. But now it was merely confusing him. As he massaged harder with his
lips, he was starting to lose control. The voice in his head couldn�t make up
its mind what he should do. One minute it was hinting Remus loved him, and
Severus should let him; the next it was hinting that Severus was setting
himself up for a fall and should get out whilst the blow would hurt, but not
kill him.

�Mmm, you
taste so fucking good Sev,� Remus managed to get out, as he pulled back
slightly for some air and to get his gag reflex in check. �I could do this
forever�� He went back to lapping at the tip and Severus groaned in response,
sending vibrations through the cock he was sucking. He was surprised when it
tightened and all of a sudden his mouth was flooded with salty fluid, creeping
out past his lips again as Remus cried out into his own crotch.

Fuck no. I�m not swallowing this.
Not tonight.
Severus hated swallowing. He hated it even more when he would attach the memory
to something hideous. He turned his face away from the dripping penis and spat
the contents of his mouth out quietly to the side of his shoulder. He could
still taste Remus within his mouth, though, and it made him feel sick. Not sick
enough that he was immune to what Remus was doing to him, however.

He arched
his spine upwards and hissed as the movement caused the tongue to dig deeper
than usual into the tip. With a determined effort, Remus took him almost wholly
into his mouth and sucked.

�Ohggggooooooooddddddddddd!� Severus was surprised by what came
out of his mouth as his balls tightened and he finally released into the hot,
waiting mouth.

He heard
Remus groaning, drinking him down for the entire world as if he adored it.
Severus was too caught up in the orgasm to think about how sick that usually
made him feel. He was still twitching when Remus began licking gently again,
cleaning him up. As the beautiful prickling feeling ebbed away, Severus felt
the dread re-claim him. Now the time really was upon him. And after such an
amazing display of sexual aptitude from his lover, he wasn�t sure he could
believe the finer points of his argument.

Just think of how much you�ll miss
that when Sirius Black comes waltzing back into your lives and he takes it
away. Ten� Twenty years? It�ll hurt much more then than it will after two.

�Get off,�
he requested loudly enough for Remus to hear, and pushed at his backside to
reiterate the point.

Remus
complied, wiping his chin with the back of his hand as he did so. �That was a
lot, for you,� he said, turning to sit against the footboard of the bed, a
hazy, happy look on his face.

�Was it?�
Severus rolled sideways off the bed and onto his feet, not stopping to look at
any of the mess that had been created. Remus would be expecting a sarcastic
remark or snide comment, he knew, but all Severus wanted was to get dressed.

He walked
back into the main room of the flat and stooped to pick up his underwear and
trousers, and pulled them on without waiting for Remus to catch him up. He had
his jumper on and was bending for his boots and socks before he even heard the
bed springs creak, and had both socks on by the time Remus made it to stare at
him.

�You know,
not many men can boast they have a talent for dressing so quickly� you�d be
brilliant at clandestine affairs. A quick getaway,� Severus could hear the
amusement in Remus� voice, and refused to look over so the hurt which had
broken onto his face at the word �affair� wouldn�t be seen.

He slid the
zippers up on his boots and finally straightened, his stomach clenching with
fear. Remus was just watching him, still naked, from the doorway. �Get
dressed,� Severus told him.

�Why?�
Remus asked.

�Just get dressed,� Severus snapped, reaching for the bag which had fallen to
the floor as Remus had pounced on him.

�Alright�
Sev, I thought you could stay the night? Do you have somewhere you need to be?�

Yes. Hell.

�Just� get
dressed. We� we need to talk,� Severus swallowed, and finally looked up at the
werewolf.

The sombre
look on Severus� face made Remus� heart quicken. He nodded and walked backwards
into the bedroom, reaching for the first thing he could get his hands on. As he
threw it about his shoulders, he was surrounded by a smell he�d not smelt in
over two years �he�d picked up Sirius� dressing gown by accident. Only caring
about the look on Severus� face, however, he belted the gown shut and walked
back into the living room, where Severus was standing looking into the fire.

�Dressed,�
Remus announced. �Sort of� Severus, you�re worrying me?�

�I�m
worrying myself,� he muttered quietly, though he knew Remus� extraordinary
hearing would pick it up.

�What do we
need to talk about?� Remus swallowed, suddenly full to the brim with fear.
Severus had been acting strangely since their reunion at Christmas �as though
he had something to say but couldn�t make himself. After two years, Remus had
known to give him space, and whatever Severus wanted to say, he would, in his
own time. But suddenly Remus was very afraid to hear whatever it might be.

�We need to
talk about us. And what we�re doing here.� Severus finally turned and looked at
him, his face pale, devoid of the usual blush which lingered there after such a
deep orgasm.

�What do
you mean?� Remus blinked.

Severus
paused; he had hoped Remus might have been smart enough to have worked it out.
He was still shaking. He didn�t know if he could explain it adequately. �This��
He motioned between them. �Us� We can�t continue like this.�

�Like
what?� Remus frowned.

�As we have
been; together.�

Severus
wanted to vomit as the penny dropped and Remus� face drained of colour and he
gasped, �You� you�re breaking up with me?�

�Is it
really that, though?� Severus looked at the carpet. �Is it a case of �breaking
up with�? Are we boyfriend and boyfriend?�

�If we�re
not then I�ve been labouring under an illusion for about a year and a half,
Severus,� Remus said, feeling dizzy.

�Then fine,
if you want to look at it that way, then I guess� yeah. I�m breaking up with
you?�

�Why?!�
The question was tremulous and loud.

�Because I
can�t love someone who�s divided between two men,� Severus managed to get the
words out.

�So this is
about��

�Not just
about that,� Severus sighed, folding his arms awkwardly over his chest.

�What else
is it about then?�

Severus
swallowed. �I�m� in love with you, Remus. And I don�t want to be. I don�t
deserve to be.�

�Please God
do not tell me this is about you feeling fucking undeserving of happiness?� There
was a scary thunder in Remus� tone that Severus had not expected.

�And if it
is?�

�Then I
will beat it into you, Severus, that you deserve love and happiness as much as
the next person. Even I deserve to be happy and I�m a fucking werewolf.�

�We aren�t
going to make each other happy,� Severus shook his head, hair flapping around
his face as he did so.

�How do you know what makes me happy and what doesn�t?�

�Fine, then
I know you won�t make ME happy.�

�I�m not so
sure you know what makes you happy either, to be perfectly honest,� Remus took
a step closer and Severus did the hurtful thing of taking a step back.

Remus stopped, his pale face set a-glow by the fire. �How long
have you wanted to end this?�

Severus
didn�t answer. He could feel the emotion building inside of him.

Remus tried
again. �Why are you doing this to me?� he whispered desperately. �Severus, I
love you. And I want to keep on loving you. You might not think you�re much of
a catch but you�re so� so�� he fumbled for the words in his upset. �The little
things you do make me so happy. Like when you determinedly wipe off my smiley
faces in the mirror steam and replace it with a frowning one. And when you offer me the first glass of wine even when you really
want it for yourself.�

�The point
is, Remus�� Severus� eyes aptly caught sight of a picture of Sirius on the
mantelpiece. His arms were draped around the werewolf a loose grip, his chin
resting on his shoulder, smiling into the camera. Severus swallowed and took
courage in the picture. �The point is, is that when Sirius gets out of Azkaban�
you won�t be around drawing smiley faces in my steamed up mirror, will you?�

�Yes, I
would be!� Remus retorted instantly.

�Oh, so� You�re
going to stay with me when he tumbles out of prison, needing someone to help
him back into society, back into life? You�ll just leave the man you love to
fend for himself?�

�Sirius
won�t get out of prison,� Remus said loudly. �I�ve accepted that fact.�

�And yet
you�ve still got his picture on your mantelpiece,� Severus indicated it with
his hand. �You�ve still got his dressing gown around your shoulders. And you�re
still crying for him, even though, to all intents and purposes, he betrayed you
and left you to fend for your self?�

�Of course
I still have his picture!� Remus burst out; his voice shredded with pain. �Of
course I have it, Severus! And you can�t tell me that if you had a picture of
Lily it wouldn�t be on your mantelpiece, either!�

�But it�s
more than just a picture,� Severus shook his head, letting his eyes close.

�Severus,
you�re asking too much of me,� Remus� voice broke under the strain. �You�re
asking me to eschew what amounts to around eight or nine years of love in two
years!�

�No, I
would never ask you to do that,� Severus motioned with his hand. �But I can�t
do this knowing when he gets out, I�ll be second rate� just like last time.�

�This is
different. And the point is, Severus, he is never
going to get out. They gave him life, and they did so without properly
trying him. I have no doubt that they meant it.�

�He will
get out,� Severus shook his head, turning to look at the fire roaring in the
grate.

�How on earth?� Remus cried incredulously.

�If there
is one thing I know about Sirius Black,� Severus breathed. �It�s that he will
show up throughout my life to fuck it up, Remus.�

Silence
rang through the room and Severus stared intently at the fire. He hoped his
words had had their required effect, and that they�d push Remus into hating
him.

�So that�s
what this is about� playground hatred? You think he�ll come back purely to
spite you?� Remus was nearly beside himself. �NO! Severus, you know what this
is about?�

The anger in Remus� voice made Severus whirl around in case he was about
to be attacked.
But Remus was still in place, his face twisted by an anger which looked simply
wrong on his beautiful, kind face.

�No, Severus, this is purely about your innate ability to take the bluest sky and
turn it the deepest shade of grey,� the anger gave way to sorrow as his mouth
twisted at the end and tears poured down his face.

Severus had
to fight the urge to run to Remus and envelope him in his arms. He knew what he
was doing was selfish. But he didn�t know what would make him more of a man
�staying and being hurt, or running away and causing hurt. He was sick of hurt.
Everyone hurt him but Remus loved him. But it would eventually hurt when he was
left for the comfort of an old lover.

�You were
my first,� Remus spoke again through his tears. �You showed me what I could
have, Severus, and I�ve never forgotten it, never been any less grateful to you
than I was on that day for making me feel so wanted. I thought I was doing the
same for you� I thought you liked that we were together, that we loved one
another.�

�I�m not
saying I don�t,� Severus whispered. �These two years will probably go down as
two of the happiest in my life.�

�It doesn�t
have to be just two years!� Remus cried. �It could be so many more, Severus.
Please. Please don�t do this.�

�I have
to,� he drew a shaky breath.

�No you
don�t!�

They both
fell silent, and stood staring at one another. Remus� face was glistening with
tears and Severus felt his own eyes start to burn at the sight of causing so
much pain.

�What am I
going to do?� Remus whispered quietly.

�You�ll
forget me,� Severus bit his lip.

�No. I mean
what am I going to do on the full moon? You�ve been healing me for t-two
y-years and Sirius helped me before that. I can�t do this without help. I�ve
had help for so l-long. Oh m-my God!� He had started
hyperventilating.

�I�ve
arranged something,� Severus said, striding over to where he�d left his bag and
pulled out an envelope. He tried to hand it to Remus but he refused to take it.
�Fine, I�ll leave it here.� He set it down on the coffee table, ironically on
top of the copy of The Practical Potioneer he�d left a few weeks before.

�It�s all
explained inside. If you�re as intelligent as I think you are, Remus, you won�t
fight what I�ve done for you.�

�IF YOU WERE INTELLIGENT YOU WOULDN�T BE
LEAVING ME!� Remus screamed at him.

�I�m not
going to stand here and shout with you,� Severus� voice was almost a whisper in
comparison to Remus� outburst. �I do love you, Remus. Know that. But I can�t
love you. There�s too much going on in here,� he rapped his good knuckles on
his temple. �And I just can�t leave myself open for the torture of when you
leave me.�

�Why do you
think I would?� Remus sniffed, eyes overflowing again. �In ten years, don�t you
think my feelings for you might have overridden those I ever might once have
had for Sirius?�

Severus
stared at him levelly. �We never forget our soulmates, Remus.�

�Lily
wasn�t your soulmate!� Remus cried. �She didn�t even look twice at you once she
started falling for James. You sealed your fate that way! Have you ever fucking
considered, Severus, that maybe you�re looking at your soulmate right now?!�

�We are NOT
soulmates,� Severus shouted at him, heat rising up his neck, cursing inwardly
as he had broken his own rule not to let it digress into a shouting match.

�Oh that�s
right, Severus Snape�s soul is too beaten and battered to let anyone in,� Remus
mocked him, hysteria creeping into his tone. �Severus FUCKING Snape is too
proud of his past mistakes to admit them and move on. He thinks he has to spend
the rest of his life MOPING ABOUT THEM TO MAKE IT BETTER!�

Severus
flinched but didn�t stop the tirade.

�And Severus, do you know what makes me think we might be the perfect match? Do
you know what makes me want to incapacitate you so you can�t leave this flat?�
Something was glinting in his eyes which reminded Severus very much of his
mental version of Remus� wolf form. �The fact that I have
stood here and yelled at you like I�ve never yelled with anyone else before.
Nobody else has ever made me feel so angry, so hurt.�

�You�ve had a tough two years, it�s just that,� Severus shook his head
dismissively.

�STOP IT!
STOP DISMISSING THE WAY I FEEL ABOUT YOU!�

The
distance they had managed to keep between them was breached when Remus leapt
forward and grabbed him by the forearms, squeezing so tightly Severus gasped.

�I will
beg, Severus,� he said in a much lower, restrained tone. �I will get down on my
knees and beg you not to leave me.�

�Don�t do
that,� Severus whispered, eyes still burning. �If you do that��

Remus
instantly dropped to his knees. Severus couldn�t bear the sight of it and so,
against his better judgement, he dropped to his own, and they were face to
face. Remus was shocked, as his face caught in the light, to see two tear
tracks coursing their way down the pale cheeks. It wasn�t like Severus to cry. At anything. Only then did Remus begin to gauge just how
much pain this was causing him.

�Oh Sev,�
he whispered, and bought a hand up to wipe away the tears; they were both
surprised when Severus didn�t jerk away from the touch. �What can I do to make
you stay? I�ll get rid of his stuff. I�ll move in with you and sell this
place.�

�I don�t want you to do that,� Severus shook his head.

�I will,
though, can�t you see what that means?�

Severus
shook his head. �It doesn�t mean anything. Because we both know you can�t get
rid of him in your heart.�

�Obliviate me, then! Get rid of the memories.� Remus� eyes took on a hard edge
whilst Severus� went wide.

�N-no,� he
stammered, shocked that Remus would suggest it. Christ. I can�t believe he�s suggesting that. He can�t mean it.

�Do it,�
Remus sprang to his feet and threw his arms open. �Get rid of him for me.�

�No,�
Severus repeated, looking at the carpet.

�I�ll do it
myself then,� Remus grabbed his wand from where he had left it on the coffee
table and pointed it at his own head.

�You can�t
do it yourself. You�d erase everything, including me. Put the damned wand down,
Remus.�

Frustrated,
Remus let out a groan, but he knew Severus was right. He couldn�t do it
himself. And he knew he didn�t really want to, and that he�d regret it.

�Promise me
you won�t,� Severus asked.

�Why would
I want to lose the memories of someone else that�s loved and left me?� Remus
asked sarcastically. �Oh, wait� you know, it might be a pretty good idea after
all. Just let me write down the bank numbers and my name and we�ll be good to
go.�

�Remus,�
Severus pleaded quietly.

�You have
no right to plead with me, Severus,� Remus swallowed. �I can�t��

Severus got
to his feet silently and rummaged through his bag again, and pulled out a carrier
bag full of condensed items. �These are all the things that you left in my
house. I thought you�d want them back.� He set it down on the table next to the
envelope.

Remus found
himself unable to answer. Severus was ridding himself
of any reason to ever contact him again. The pain coursing through him was, he
couldn�t believe, worse than when he�d first read the papers to find of Sirius�
arrest and imprisonment. He felt so raw.

�I suppose
there�s nothing else left to say then�� Severus swallowed and picked up the
bag, slinging it on his shoulder. His tears hadn�t stopped falling.

He walked
towards the door and couldn�t help it as the floodgates truly opened. Remus was
still rooted by the fireplace.

�Aren�t you
even going to say goodbye?� he gasped, lower lip trembling beyond all control.

Severus
stopped but didn�t turn around. �I don�t do goodbyes,� he replied softly.

And it was
true. He�d never gotten to say goodbye to his father (not that he�d have wanted
to), he never got to say goodbye to his mother before she killed herself, he
hadn�t uttered a word to Lily since their last day at school, and that hadn�t
been a goodbye either. The thought of a real goodbye made his stomach churn and
fresh tears pour from his eyes.

�No, I
suppose I don�t either,� Remus whispered, thinking of Sirius.

Severus
opened the door, walked through it and shut it gently.

Remus. This is your one chance. Chase me. For God�s sake.
Chase me.

He lingered
outside in the hallway, still crying, listening for any sound that Remus might
be about to throw the door open, prepared to chase him into the little park and
fight some more. But there was nothing. He walked along the hallway and exited
into the cold January air.
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Linger