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The Pain Of Loss	By : Kitkatislovely95 Category: Harry Potter > Slash - Male/Male > Harry/Snape Views: 4673 -:- Recommendations : 1 -:- Currently Reading : 0
Disclaimer: I own nothing of Harry Potter fandom. I make no money from this story.

Chapter List
- 7
- 8
- 9
I own nothing, and all misakes are mine. I apologize in advance for that.

There were no stars out that night. It was the night of a new moon. Even Hogsmeade was dark. There was no light that the eye could see, even from where Harry sat at the top of the Astronomy Tower on the ledge of a large window sill. It was a night that seemed to match Harry's mood perfectly.

It had been a week. One long week that felt like a century that would never end and Harry still didn't know what to do. He had thought of almost nothing else for the last seven days, and still had not a clue on what path to take.

Everything Severus had told him that night still rang in his ears as he looked out into the black sky. He didn't want to believe that his father could have been so cruel to such a wonderful person, but hadn't he seen that already? When he saw Severus' memory back in fifth year, hadn't he seen the proof that his father could be truly evil at times?

Or was that just an act the two men had put on to hide what was really going on? Because, Severus had said they started their… relationship in fourth year, so his father couldn’t have meant what he did that day, right? Gods, Harry didn’t know what to believe anymore.

Harry sighed softly and bowed his head, his chin resting on his folded up knees. What was he to do? Could he ever trust Severus again, after all the pain he had been through because of him? Could he ever put his heart back out there, fall and actually expect to be caught this time? He just didn't know.

"Harry."

Harry gasped softly and flung his head to the side to see Hermione standing there, holding his invisibility cloak in her hand. He had been so deep in thought that he hadn't heard her come up.

He took a deep breath and quirked his lips up at the corners, an invitation to join him; one that Hermione took, sitting across from him and reaching out to gently grab one of his hands.

"What's on your mind, Harry?" She asked softly, getting more comfortable and leaning back on the wall behind her.

Harry met her eyes over his knees and let her see the inner turmoil he was going through. She looked at him sadly and immediately knew the cause of it.

"What happened in detention, Harry?" She whispered.

And so he told her. He told her what Severus had told him, the choice he had to make; the pros and cons of both options. Everything that he had been thinking that last week spilled out of his mouth like word vomit and he couldn't seem to stop talking. He left nothing out, thinking that if anyone could help him figure this out, it would be Hermione. He mentally berated himself for not thinking of talking to her sooner.

Hermione listened attentively, not making a sound as Harry opened up to her for the first time since he woke up in the hospital wing all those months ago.

When he finished his tale, Hermione stared at him for a minute, piercing him with her gaze. She always did that when she was trying to figure out some long, complicated problem and Harry knew this might be the answer to all of his problems.

"Well, I guess that explains a lot. Why he has always been so bitter, why he never trusted anyone. That doesn't make what he did right, mind." Harry realized before she even started speaking that she was talking to herself, so he just kept his mouth shut and let her figure this out on her own.

She blinked once, then again and focused back on the boy in front of her. He looked so small sitting there, arms around his knees, hugging them to his chest. He was so strong; he had defeated Voldemort, for Merlin's sake, and the loss of his love was enough to drive him to suicide. Harry had been through so much; he deserved to be happy.

And Hermione knew the only way for him to be truly happy was for him to be with Severus Snape, greasy dungeon bat extraordinaire.

"Harry, how do you feel when you see him? Leaving out the pain." She asked gently, already knowing the answer, but needing Harry to see it himself.

Harry's brows furrowed for a minute, cocking his head to the side before his face cleared of all expression, except for the small smile.

"I feel... I feel peaceful. I feel like nothing can hurt me as long as I'm staring into his eyes, as long as I can see his face. It's like I'm walking through darkness and he the beacon of light in my life. Nothing has ever made me as happy as him; not leaving the Dursleys, not seeing Sirius and my parents. Nothing." Harry said softly.

"And without him? How does that feel?" She questioned.

Like a switch had been flipped, Harry's face clouded over and tears welled in his eyes as he whispered, "It's like all the hope I've ever held has been snatched away. Like nothing can ever make me feel again; like I've been Kissed by a Dementor. Without him, I feel like I could welcome Death with open arms and it would be a blessing. I don't care about anything when I can't be with him. Almost like he is the only thing keeping me sane, holding me to this world and making me... feel."

Harry had looked away from her and a tear had made its way down his cheek, going unnoticed by the boy as he thought of the nothingness he had felt these last months.

"Harry," Hermione called out softly, drawing his attention back to her and away from the nightmare Harry looked to be reliving. "I think you just gave yourself the answer." She said.

Harry blinked. And again, and then again as he thought about all that he had just said and how Hermione had made him see what really should have been obvious all this time.

Harry sniffed and nodded slowly. She was right. How could he have even thought that there was ever any other option then to forgive Severus? He could never have happiness any other way.

He unfurled himself gently, wincing as his knees cracked from being in that position for so long... Which was how long, exactly? He didn't know, and he really didn't care at the moment.

He had a man to get to.

With that thought, Harry smiled a real smile for the first time in months.

~SSHP~SSHP~SSHP~SSHP~SSHP~

Severus sighed as he stared into the dwindling fire in front of him. He should have known this was coming, he really should have expected it after everything he had done to Harry.

The last week had been hell for him. He missed Harry terribly, and having let himself hope, the feeling of despair as the days wore on without Harry's answer had only grown more unbearable. Harry had not shown up for his detentions, so Severus had no way of even guessing at what he was thinking.

He should have guessed that no matter what he said, Harry would never forgive him, no matter how big his heart was. How could anyone forgive what Severus had done to an innocent man, let alone trust that person with their heart again.

As the night drew closer and closer to midnight, Severus shed a lone tear. He had waited until midnight every night all week in the hopes that Harry would come to him, with no such luck.

As the fire finally extinguished, Severus lost the last bit of hope he had been holding on to. By this time, he could deduce that if Harry really came to him, it would be to tell him he couldn't forgive what he had done. Severus knew that was exactly what he deserved and he vowed that even though Harry couldn't forgive him, he would never give his heart to another the way he had to Harry. He would watch as Harry found his happiness elsewhere and be happy that Harry had moved on to someone better for him than Severus ever could be.

Dejectedly, Severus moved toward the bedroom, but was interrupted by a light knock on the door.

It was like time had stopped. Everything in him soared at the thought that maybe, just maybe, all hope wasn't lost.

No, he couldn't think like that yet. He had to see who was at the door first. And even then, it might not be a good thing if it was really Harry outside.

Despite himself, his heart sped up and began to pound into his ribcage, trying to get out and get back to the person it truly belonged to; the person Severus hoped was on the other side of that door.

Moving slowly, daring not to hope for the best, he reached the door and opened it soundlessly...

Only to find no one on the other side.

Severus stifled a sob and closed the door, turning and dragging his feet to his room. Without looking at anything, he stripped his clothes and finally let his tears slip down his cheeks.

Pulling on a pair of sleep pants, he turned and almost had a heart attack from the shock of what he saw.

There lay Harry Potter, under the covers with Severus' side of the bed ready for him to get in. He had a shy smile on his face and patted the bed invitingly. Seeing the tears on Severus' cheeks, though, made the smile fall from his face.

"Sev? What's wrong?" Harry asked worriedly, moving out of the bed and letting Severus know that Harry had intended to sleep naked.

Harry looked up at him, moving his hands to cup Severus' cheeks, wiping away his tears. "Sev?" Harry whispered again, looking at him with a love he didn't deserve but was too selfish to ever turn away again.

"Harry." Severus sobbed, wrapping his arms around his love and holding on for dear life as he cried into his hair.

"Oh Sev. Shh, don't cry. Everything will be alright from now on. I promise. Everything will get better." Harry whispered, slowly rubbing his hand up and down Severus' back, while running his fingers through the soft black locks of hair.

They stood there for a long while, long after Severus had stopped crying, just holding each other close, with Harry's head over Severus' heart with Severus' nose buried in Harry's messy hair. Severus never wanted to let go.

Harry pulled back gently, keeping his hands on Severus' neck, looking into the deep obsidian eyes of the man who put life into his soul and whispered, "We'll talk in the morning. Right now, let's just sleep, okay?"

Severus nodded his head, feeling drained from the crying. He still didn't quite believe that Harry was here, willing to just jump back into bed with him, but he figured that if he was dreaming, it was the best dream he'd had in a long time.

Slipping into bed, they fell asleep with arms and legs intertwined, assuring difficulty in moving.

It was the most peaceful night's sleep either of them had had in as many months.

Well? Whatcha think? Let me know. Reviews inspire me to write faster... *hint hint*

xoxo,

Kitkat
- 7
- 8
- 9
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The Pain Of Loss