Adult-FanFiction.org : Harry Potter

Survivor's Guilt	By : SpeedyTomato Category: Harry Potter > Slash - Male/Male > Harry/Lucius Views: 34080 -:- Recommendations : 3 -:- Currently Reading : 4
Disclaimer: I don't own Harry Potter nor do I make any money of this dark dance of Harry Potter fanfic.

Chapter List
- 7
- 8
- 9
Chapter 8

Beta'd by the amazing Tenchi. Thanks, Tenchi, you're the best!

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Striding into the pub, Lucius was pleased to see Potter sitting there alone. Though not liking the pensive, faraway look on his face, something that was telling him nothing had improved since the day before, he was determined to go on with the plan he and Dudley had come up with. Making his way over to the table, he slid in across from Potter then signaled the barkeep for his usual. Looking at the younger man, he then said, “Harry, I need your assistance with something!”

Drawn out of thinking over the mental list of stuff he had to get accomplished soon, Harry looked over at Malfoy then asked, tone distracted, “What's up? What can I help with?” Really, he thought he should go. He wasn't going to be much company for anyone, as was normal lately, and didn't want to be bothered with the mundane stuff. Plus, he had a lot to do and get settled to keep himself on the timeline he wanted. Sitting here, making nice with Dudley and Lucius wasn't something he felt he should do. Plus, really, he needed to be distancing himself from everyone anyway. If he did that, he was sure than when it finally happened, it would hurt less for them. For now, though, so Dudley didn't get suspicious he would keep showing up. Soon, though, that would end.

Pulling out two of the Wizarding-modified cell phones, ones like Harry had, he shoved them to the center of the table. “I need help, first, setting those up and learning how they function. Then I need your advice on just where you think they will be usable in both my flat and Malfoy Manor. As you've been using one somewhere that has a similar amount of magic, I assume you'll know more than I as to where to even start working with them so they function at all.”

Picking up one of the mobiles, Harry looked at it. Leave it to Malfoy to get the most expensive and complicated of all of them. Shaking his head, he told him, distracted, as he went through the menus to see what was where with them, “This one Dudley is going to have to help you with. I can do the basics, but it's far more complicated than mine. Slide on over here next to me and I'll at least show you some of it. The other bits and bobs you're going to have to wait for Dudley on as he's better with the ones with all the high-tech features than I am.”

Moving over to the other side of the table, Lucius waited for Harry to budge over then slid in beside him. “Wasn't sure what I was getting. The clerk said it was the best, so that's what I got. I assumed the best means they are better than the rest with stuff.”

“Yeah, well, best means that you pay more and get a bunch of shite that you don't need with it is all. I doubt you're going to use most of this, like web surfing,” Harry told him, distracted, as he went through it to see what was where and figure out where to even start with it.

Looking up, Lucius frowned then asked, genuinely curious as he didn't understand the reference, “How does one surf on a web anyway? Are spiders involved with that in some way? I mean, they would have to be massive webs with huge spiders to surf on them. I'm not sure I would like to be around any kind of arachnid that big in any manner.”

Glancing at Lucius, seeing that the older man was dead serious about that and had no clue what he was referring to, a ghost of a smile appeared on Harry's face. It vanished quickly then he shook his head. “No, no spiders are involved. It means the internet and looking things up on it. That's called the world wide web. It involves computers, usually, though the newer phones can do it as well. Most that need those options are Muggle-borns who are staying connected to family in that way.”

“Oh, computers! I didn't place the terminology.” Waving a dismissive hand, he said, “No, I won't be involved in that. The text messaging I was told about sounds like something I could use. That did interest me.”

“That I can walk you through, same with getting and receiving calls. Those are easy enough. Anything more complicated and you're going to need Dudley to look at it.” Taking a sip of his beer, he glanced at Malfoy then asked, “Why did you want one of these anyway? You aren't connected with Muggle-borns and need to stay in touch in a way that is unobtrusive.”

“Well, honestly, I thought they would be a better way for Draco or Astoria to stay in contact with me since I’m residing here in London now. Much better, and easier, than sticking ones head in the fire then hoping someone is home. That 'voice message' thing I was told about would work nicely if something is needed, though not urgent. It sounded like something I could use and not be tied up at home if I want to do something. Nor would Draco panic if he couldn't get ahold of me if I was needed and not home.”

“Yeah, they are great for that,” Harry said with a nod as he went through the mass of menus on the thing. After a moment, he looked over at Lucius and wanted to ask about the 'living in London' bit but decided it wasn't his business. After a few more minutes of looking through the thing, he leaned back, “Alright, I'll walk you through the basics with this one then you can set up the other while here so I can help if it confuses you.”

Pleased with that, Lucius nodded then leaned in close to watch, fascinated with how the thing worked.

It took about a half an hour for Harry to get Lucius comfortable with the mobile enough to take a call from his on it. Though bewildered by the high-tech nature of the thing, Lucius was smart enough he caught on quickly, being able to set the other up with just the most basic of assists.

Once he was finished, the older man leaned back in the booth and looked at the electronic thing in wonderment. “This is... why haven't they adapted this for everyday use? It's far easier than the Floo! Definitely more convenient!”

“Because it's a Muggle device. You know what so many are like with those things. Say Muggle and they automatically don't want it,” Harry shrugged.

Snorting, remembering his days of feeling that way, Lucius just shook his head. “Yes, well, they are wrong. I was wrong about such things.” Not wanting to go down that path, he then asked, “Now, where do you think would be most suitable to use it? I know you're not familiar with the places but I'm sure you have an idea.”

Flashing back to what went on at Malfoy Manor then burying Dobby, Harry looked down at the table and tried to shove the memory away but, like with so many of them, it didn't want to go. Sighing and rubbing his eyes, he finally answered, tone weary, “I think, with Malfoy Manor, outside is best or in the entrance hall. Outside would probably work better as it's big and open without much magic around. Your flat... I would also guess the entrance hall on it. You're just going to have to try it in some of the rooms. The less magic around, the better. That's also the way if you're using it on the go. Anywhere that has heavy magical involvement and it's not going to work right.”

Looking at Harry, brow furrowed, Lucius was concerned about the almost mournful look that had appeared there for the briefest of seconds. There was something almost chilling about it. “Harry? Something wrong?” He asked softly.

“Nothing to be concerned about,” Harry told him, focusing back on the phone. “Just do a walkthrough of your place with it on and watch for the signal. That'll tell you best where it can be used.”

Nodding, not buying that look wasn't something to be worried about, Lucius focused back on the phone. “Yes, I'll try that. Draco is going to think I've gone around the twist when I give him this but it's no matter. Dead useful, it is!”

Just about then, Dudley bustled in and slid across from them, grinning. “Oh, I've set up something good!”

“You appear to be most excited, Dudley. What have you managed,” Lucius asked, smirking. He knew that Dudley was going to come up with something to get Harry out of his house over the weekend and involve all three of them, but he wasn't sure what it was going to be.

Grinning from ear to ear, he poured himself a glass of beer then, after a sip, told them both, “Who-a-thon this Friday! One of the channels is going to run a bunch the classic episodes Friday, back to back. No way I'm missing this!” Looking at Harry, he said, “And you're coming over. Made sure mum and dad will stay away so we'll have a night of Dr. Who!” Glancing back at Lucius, he grinned bigger then said, “You're coming too, Lucius. You want to hang with us, you need to understand the awesomeness that is Dr. Who!”

“This is that telly program both of you like?” The older man inquired, sipping his drink.

“Yes, it is. It's a classic, mate! Campy as hell and not even close to where we are now with graphics and special effects, but it's still good. You gotta see it!”

“Hmm... I believe that's something I could manage since there is nothing planned for that night,” Lucius pondered. Actually, as many discussions the two had about that show, he was curious to see it and understand some of what they talked about. Besides, as his Friday nights now tended to be spent alone with just house elves for company, drinking, he thought an excursion such as this might be just the thing for him.

“Dudley, not sure I can make it,” Harry said with a shake of his head. “I'm just not up for a big thing right now, mate, sorry.”

Glancing at Harry, Dudley's face took on a stern look then he said, “No, you're coming, Harry! You missed the last one for whatever it was you had to go do, so I'm not letting you miss this one as well. C'mon, it'll be great! We'll order pizza, get munchies then settle around the TV while trying to explain the whole thing to Lucius. It'll be a riot!” He had figured that Harry would try to get out of it with the state his cousin was in but he wasn't going to let it happen this time. No, it might not, in the long run, assist in anything, but it might help a bit. That's really all they were going for. Hopefully, if they kept him out of the house and busy, he would work through whatever it was he was dealing with and get things together.

Looking at his cousin, Harry saw that look there he had known from childhood, the one that told him Dudley was going to get his way no matter the arguments he gave to wiggle out of it. Honestly? He didn't have the energy to fight him over it right now. With a sigh, he nodded, “Alright, I'll be there. When does it start?”

Grinning from ear to ear, Dudley told him, “I'll pick you up from that place I do when we meet up for something. As it's far enough away from where you lot congregate, Lucius can meet us there as well. Then we'll head to my place and settle in. I'm off on Friday, so I can get everything ready. Work for you lot?” When he saw them nod, he said, “Alright, Lucius, what kind of pizza do you like?”

Now, Lucius had seen and heard of pizza but had never tried it, preferring to stick to more traditional Italian cuisine when dining out. Shaking his head, he told Dudley, “I don't know. As this will be an adventure outside my normal comfort zone, I believe you should make that decision and chose for me. I'm certain I'll like it.”

“Yeah, I keep forgetting, mate, you haven't done many 'Muggle' things. I'll grab a couple and you'll probably like one. Pepperoni, of course, as Harry and I like that.”

“Pepperoni is something I am fond of and have had in other things. That will probably be fine,” Lucius nodded.

“Alright, that works! Will make sure to get some other things I know you haven't had as snacks. If it's going to be an adventure, we might as well go all out and make it a good one,” Dudley grinned.

Tuning out the discussion, Harry leaned against the back of the booth and just stared at the table. The vision of what had gone on at Malfoy Manor had seemed to want to stick around for a while, replaying over and over in his head in a continuous loop, ending with how they had to bury Dobby. Reaching up, he rubbed his eyes and tried to get his mind to shift to something else but couldn't. The guilt over that whole thing, and mistakes he had made that led to it, was something that was crashing over him like a tidal wave. At that moment, he just wanted to curl up and die somewhere, being unable to stand 'living' through it all over again. Just more death and pain that could be laid on his shoulders over that whole mess.

Finding it hard to breathe as it kept playing, a form of panic was starting to set in as it had in the past a few times when he had gone through this. It didn't happen often, but once in a while it would. Now, all he could think about was trying to breathe and getting the hell out of there then into the fresh air. Nudging Lucius, he said, tone sounding slightly strangled, “Budge out, I gotta get out of here.”

Startled, Lucius looked at Potter, concerned about how white he was and overly large his eyes appeared to be, he quickly moved then asked, “Harry? What's wrong?”

Shaking his head, Harry made a mad dash for the door and breathing room. Once outside, he bent over, put his hands on his knees then began to suck in much needed air. Vision swimming from the whole thing, he shut his eyes and waited. This had happened enough that he knew what to do. In a few minutes, he would be fine and it would all go back to normal. Well, as normal as things were anymore. He doubted he was going to be able to shake the visions of Dobby dying in his arms for a few days. Just one more thing that reaffirmed, to him anyway, that he needed to exit this life.

Just as he was getting it together, standing up straight again, Lucius appeared at one elbow and Dudley at the other. Seeing concerned looks there with just the briefest of glances, he shook his head, “Don't worry about it, nothing to be concerned about. It happens once in a while. I think I better go, though. The walk home will do me good.”

Nodding, having seen this before, Dudley told him, “Go on, mate, we'll meet you here tomorrow like normal.”

With a nod to Dudley then Lucius, Harry then took off towards home, still shaking slightly.

Standing there, watching Harry walk away, Lucius was very concerned. He wasn't sure what that was, but he knew it wasn't good. Looking at Dudley, who appeared to be worried as well, he asked, keeping his voice down, “What was that?”

Shaking his head, a grim look on his face, Dudley said, “Not here. Let's go back inside and I'll explain it the best way I can.”

Nodding, Lucius headed back in then settled at the table. After sipping his drink, waiting for Dudley to settle in, he asked again.

Sighing, rubbing his eyes, Dudley told him, “It was a panic attack. He's had them before, though they don't happen often. Hermione told me they are triggered by flashback from that war. She said Ron has them from time to time as well, though he doesn't get the panic attacks over them.” Taking a sip of his beer, he shook his head, “It's been a while since he's had one. That tells me whatever is bugging him isn't getting any better.”

“What triggers them, do you know?” Lucius asked, confused. He knew what flashbacks were, that was for certain. He had a few of those himself over some of what happened. None of them had ever triggered a reaction such as that, though.

“Last time was a discussion about something to do with the war. In fact, the few I've seen have all come from that. This... we weren't even talking about that so I don't know where it came from. Anything happen or that come up before I came in?”

“No, nothing at all like that. We were just working with my mobiles and getting them running,” Lucius shook his head.

“I didn't think so but...” Dudley shrugged. Looking at the older man, he asked, “You got a mobile?”

“I thought it might be a means to communicate easier with my son. However, there was something slightly nefarious in mind when I purchased it. I thought, perhaps, I could get Harry's number then check on him here and there with it,” Lucius admitted.

“Good idea, that, both of them, actually,” Dudley nodded. “Hand it over, mate, and I'll program my number and Harry's in for you. That way anything goes amiss, you can talk to him or grab me if something goes pear shaped.”

“Yes, that is a good idea,” Lucius agreed, handing over the phone that would be his. “Harry called it and I assumed, from looking at those menu things he used to set it up for me, I could save his number. You doing it would be far better.” Stopping, he then asked, “While you're doing that, could you program my number into my sons and the other way around?”

Grinning, Dudley nodded, “Sure, I can do that, no problem.” Quickly, he programmed both phones then handed it back to Lucius. Leaning back in the booth, he asked, “You're what we would term retired, aren't you? I mean, no steady job?”

“Ah, no, I don't have a job. Most I do is manage the family finances at this point. There is, really, no need for a job of any kind as we're fairly set with things. Nor, really, with... what happened, would I look to be finding one. Why?” As that was a fairly personal question, Lucius wanted to know what Dudley was going for. He assumed, with the way talks had been leaning, it had something to do with Harry, but wanted clued in as to what it was.

“That might work then,” Dudley nodded. “Just wondering if I could get his schedule, as I know he only works like three days a week, if you couldn't con him into doing something when he's off. I mean, not necessarily with your lot as that would probably be uncomfortable with both of you, but, you know, something to get him out of the house. Not sure if he would go for it, but worth a shot, you know? I work five days a week so I really can't do anything like that.”

Seeing what Dudley was going for, Lucius nodded. “Yes, it might. Though I'm not certain I can persuade him to do anything, I can try.” Thinking it over, finger tapping on his chin, he then said, distractedly, “With me now basically living in what is known as a Muggle section of town and not wanting to commune with my own kind if I can at all help it, mayhap I can persuade him to show me around and discuss things to do. I'm not doing much now that I'm living on my own. That would be a good excuse.”

“Alright, I'll get it from him with some excuse then pass it your way. After that, I'll leave it to you to see what you can manage. Not sure it'll work, but worth a shot, you know?”

“Indeed. I am a persuasive being when I want to be. I'm certain I can come up with something,” Lucius nodded, sipping at his drink.

Having made it home, all Harry had the energy to do was flop onto the sofa in the living room and put his head in his hands. That vision of Dobby dying had triggered all kinds of other things. He was now 'reliving' the battle, walking through Hogwarts grounds and seeing all the dead there, to watching Sirius fall through the veil, Cedric falling dead by him and a multitude of other things. Nor could he make it stop. It just kept going, spinning through all those rotten things with no way to effectively shut it off.

Digging his fingers into his hair, eyes squeezed tightly shut, he kept trying to breathe but wanted to just pry his brain out, something, anything, to make it end. It wasn't going to though. All it kept doing was going. Stifling a sob, he felt the tears start. No, it wasn't a lot of them but there were a few trickling down his cheeks as he thought of those whose deaths could be laid at his feet or the suffering he had caused to others. More than anything, this was telling him, he supposed, that he had to hurry and finish what needed to be done so it could stop. He couldn't take the pain of this anymore. It hurt so bad to remember this and know he caused it. It also proved to him that it was the sign that meant he needed to move on to the next life. He just had to set everything up was all.

There was so much to do, like making sure his estate was handled, Teddy was taken care of, who got what, things like that. He needed to hurry with it, though. All he was trying to do was make sure things were easy as they could get on those that were left behind. He knew it would hurt them so he was trying to ease the pain the best he could. However, he knew they would be better off without him. After all, no one needed someone in their life that caused as much pain, grief and death as he had.

Finally, after what seemed like hours of the worst kind of torture, it began to ease off. Slumping on the sofa, eyes shut, all Harry could do was sit there and breathe. He didn't even have the energy to get up then go upstairs and lay down. It was taking all he had left to keep himself from sliding off the couch onto the floor. Kreacher had come in, offering to get him something to eat or drink, but all he could do was shake his head.

After a loud groan, and using the last little bit of energy he had, he managed to kick his trainers off then curled up on his side on the sofa. Pulling a quilt Mrs. Weasley had made him off the back of it, he covered himself then lay there. He didn't think sleep would come, it usually didn't after these episodes, but he wanted to sleep as he was completely worn out. In fact, that was the only thing he really wanted now and prayed it would happen.

Sighing, he lay there, eyes shut, but didn't feel himself drift off. All he could do was watch the visions from the past play out in the theater of his mind.

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Survivor's Guilt