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Years of Burden	By : Polypectron Category: Harry Potter > Het - Male/Female > Snape/Hermione Views: 6695 -:- Recommendations : 0 -:- Currently Reading : 1
Disclaimer: I do not own Harry Potter and SSHG is not canon. This is a work of fiction. I am not profiting from it. All characters, places, objects and realities belong to J K Rowling and the Potterverse.

Chapter List
- 7
- 8
CHAPTER 8 – Please Don't Kill Me

The writing was spidery, he recognised it as his own penmanship. And with it a memory of urgency came to mind. The letter had been sealed over fifteen years ago but Snape could still remember the message it contained. He opened it anyway. After all it was addressed to him.

Severus

Dwelling on the past does not bode well. Leave it alone and don't remember.

S. Snape

1982

A fist closed around the parchment. The note had been attached to a large bundle of undelivered letters addressed to Lily. The warning did not go unacknowledged by the man but still he felt a need to defy his former self, yet at the same time he felt it was unwise. A final decision allowed him to continue perusing through the rest of the items, ignoring the bundle of letters and dwelling on the events that propelled him through years of burden.

~O~

Hogwarts 1982

"I know you are still settling in here and all but seeing as you will be Horace's predecessor you may as well see what you are in for. You will be in charge of disinfection duties until Horace feels you are ready to begin educating. He hopes to retire by the end of the year it is most likely you will have to adopt the role Head of Slytherin once he leaves us. During the school year you will remain at Hogwarts. If departing momentarily is your desire you maybe request my permission to do so. While at Hogwarts I will impart to you the knowledge of Occlumency as it will be imperitive in the future. Between academic years you will be required to attend intelligence and combat training with one of my operatives. You will live at Headquarters until the beginning of the new school year. I trust that you have means of attending to your ancestral home during your absence?"

"Yes, Headmaster."

"Excellent. Here is the address of the operative you are to report to him immediately. Do not forget Severus, you promised me anything and a promise that grand is limitless. Are there any questions?"

"Yes Headmaster. Might I voice it?"

"Of course."

"Who is the operative?"

The silence in the room was palpable. Dumbledore cleared his throat as he urged Snape to exit through his office door.

"You will find out soon enough"

~O~

*Snape came timidly into a medium sized interrogation room that had been converted into an office. There were Wanted-Posters plastered all over the walls with scribbles of writing over them some had large red blotted lines slashed across them indicating that the person in said poster was either captured or deceased. Several of the posters he recognised as death-eaters and as he scanned the posters he eventually came to one of himself, scowling angrily back at him. Only one person would have a plethora of Death Eaters plastered all over their wall.

Behind him the door flew open compelling him to duck and cover but he stood his ground. There was no point in hiding.

"Hey Alastor ow's your Mad-eye?" laughed an aged wizard in the corridor, "Ugh it's so off putting!"

"Curse you Dedalus! Stop starin' at me eye or I'll throw yer in Azkaban, they got plenty more cells left!" came a growling voice. A man of solid build came strolling into the office; he walked with a slight limp and smelled of cigarettes and protective charms. He wore a dark beige trench coat that had seen better days with a tartan kilt sticking out from underneath it. The man's accent led Snape to believe he was Scottish and it only confirmed his suspicions that he was standing in Alastor Moody the Dark Wizard Catchers office. The very man who personally filled half the cells in Azkaban with fugitive Death Eaters, and who was outraged when Snape himself escaped conviction.

"Bollocks." said Snape softly.

"What?! Who said that?"

The figure froze and his back became rigid. Spinning around the man pushed Snape up against the poster coated wall.

"Oh no you don't!"

A jagged wand was thrust up underneath his chin and a pair of mismatched eyes bore holes into him, one dark and transfixed while the other vibrated madly and roamed all over his body.

"Think you could sneak in here and kill me did you? Guess you weren't quick enough. Who are you?! Answer me!"

"Severus Snape!"

The man spoke with such malice it sent shivers up Snape's spine. It was quite an achievement.

"Ay, I recognise you now. You're on my wall," the man pointed at Snape's poster distastefully and pushed the wand deeper into Snape's neck, "it is unwise to be on my wall, let alone my office. What do you want? Who sent you? Is this some sort of sick joke? Answer me devil!"

"Albus Dumbledore sent me here to meet with an operat-"

The man clamped a hand over Snape's face efficiently silencing him.

"Dumbledore?" said the man distrustfully, "So it's you then. Should have known. Considering Dumbledore was the one who got you off the hook as it were. Too slippery for justice, too precious for Azkaban and look at you, you're spineless! Stop shaking damn it."

The aggressor swiftly removed his wand from Snape's neck then just as quickly grabbed a fist full of his greasy hair and dragged him off the wall towards a large table with two steel chairs sitting either side of it. Snape cringed as he was forced into sitting. The man aimed his wand at him in warning and made his way around to the other side of the table.

"I'll be the operative burdened with training you. Dumbledore thought it a amusing that I be tasked with training a reformed Death Eater. Codswallop I say! But I don't believe we have formally been introduced, name's Alastor Moody. But you'd not know me by the name would yer? No, you'd know me as the Dark Wizard Catcher. Caught a lot of yer little friends I have, killed a lot of them too. You see this?" he pointed at his magical eye with his free hand, "can thank your friend Rosier for this and he can thank me for an early grave."

"Rosier is no friend of mine." Snape snapped.

Moody swung his wand back and forth like a metronome and froze it in Snape's direction at his rude outburst. Obviously the man was unimpressed by Snape's lack of allegiance to his fellow Death Eaters, loyalty was something he valued. His grip tightened and a snarl curled across his face, cocking an eyebrow for emphasis. All jest evaporated.

"Please don't kill me sir I am not like the others."

"I'm not going to kill you Snape. No, dark wizards like you deserve worse, much worse, you deserve to suffer. See if it were up to me you'd be rotting in your own little cell in Azkaban with the rest of your little friends, crying for your mothers, begging for forgiveness and slowly going mad. Some wizards have spots that don't come off and you strike me as the type of wizard who can't even find the damn soap! Do you know what I mean?"

Snape did not know what he meant, the wizard was clearly insane. Moody fumbled around in his coat pocket until he found a thin manila folder. His electric blue eye was trained solely on Snape the entire time and it had no intentions on lowering its guard. The eye unnerved him; it felt as if it was looking right through him and judging him for his dark past. Moody cleared his throat and flipped it to the first page.

"Severus Tobias Snape, twenty-two years old, born in Cokeworth, England, into a lower class mixed blood family. Pureblood mother, deceased, and muggle father, incarcerated, half English, half Irish and full blooded death eater. You came into the service of the Dark Lord at the age of 17, graduated in 1978 and have an aptitude for potions and spell casting. High candidate. Well then," Moody slammed the manila folder down on the table and pulled a small vial out of his pocket, "you see this little vial here? Three drops of this and Dumbledore himself would spill out his darkest secrets. Drink."

Snape picked up the vial of clear, water like fluid, he recognised instantly as Veritaserum, Moody was intending to interrogate him. This was unsurprising, after all the Dark Lord had passed Snape through several tests to prove his allegiance, taking Veritaserum was one of them and it was merely a precaution to prove sincerity. Snape was nothing but sincere at this point. Uncorking the vial Snape took a sip small that should last at least an hour.

"From now on the wizard you knew and were is dead. You are property of the Order of the Phoenix. I'll assume Dumbledore has told you all about the Order. Are you prepared to do whatever the Order instructs in order to complete your training? I will not stand wasting my retirement on you!"

"Yes." He answered immediately. The potion was taking effect.

"Can you keep your head when confronted with mind blowing madness at every turn?"

"Obviously"

"Don't get smart-mouthed with me unless you want the back of my hand and a wand in your face! Tell me, do you swear your allegiance to the Order of the Phoenix and to serve until your last dying breath?"

"Yes, I swear my allegiance."

"And acknowledge that under the unfavourable circumstances that you betray us you should be hunted down and eliminated for your treachery? No second chances for you Snape."

"Yes, no second chances for me."

Moody with a great gesture of his hand urged Snape to stand before him. Snape felt a small tingle spiral through his body from the Veritaserum binding him to his promises validating his sincerity.

"When I am through with you, you will be a part of a secret agency that has been thanklessly vanquishing evil from the Wizarding world since you were suckling on yer mother's teat. Welcome to the Order of the Phoenix Severus Snape."

Almost regrettably Moody extended a bold hand out to Snape. Hesitantly Snape took the other man's hand in a firm hand shake. It was rough and callus, most likely from years of working with his hands outside. It was more than likely that Moody on more than one occasion would have had to undergo stake-outs in order to catch a fugitive. And he struck Snape as the kind of wizard to revel in shitting in a hole and lying in mud under prickled shrubs in order to apprehend a B grade offender.

"So . . . are you sure you're ready for anything?"

Moody had a mischievous glint in his eye and his grip tightened, Snape was apprehensive to answer. The wizard was obviously a lunatic. But the question was broad and in all fairness Snape was ready. He was ready for anything he could do to make up for his horrible actions and redeem himself, for Lily.

"Ye-"

"WRONG!"

A bright ball of harsh blue light erupted from Moody's wand and hit Snape square in the chest, ripping his hand from Moody's and sending him flying across the room. Snape hit the wall with a terrible thud and all the wind was knocked out of him. As he lay recovering on the carpeted floor he could hear laughter coming from outside of the room. His chest ached and vibrated painfully, he felt the urge vomit and soil himself but he tried his hardest to keep himself together. Moody's comrades must have found his peril hilarious because a few of them were now hanging in the door way, watching with open curiosity. Moody came around and stood in front of Snape with a satisfied look on his face and his magic eye spun manically around in circles. He did not offer a hand of assistance.

"Lesson number one – Trust no one! In the eyes of the enemy you can't afford distractions! Now get up before you piss all over my floor. We have a lot of work to do."

~O~

Present.

Cradling memories and digging up the past would constitute as a distraction in the eyes of that lunatic Mad-eye Moody. Snape had stayed up all night meticulously taking out and reorganising every item in the box and resisting the urge to read the letters. It would be too damaging for Snape to relive his imaginary relationship with Lily. Touching the forgotten relics was enough to make it real. And it had been real, she had loved him once, just not to the extent he had wished she had.

"Can't afford distractions."

Snape had contemplated watching a few memories he had extracted on Dumbledore's orders as a precaution. Not in the event of the invasion of his mind, for Snape had grown to be a powerful Occlumens, but more for his own sanity. Snape spent many nights on the basement floor at Headquarters because he was too busy lamenting to detect Moody's surprise attacks. One evening Moody had become so infuriated with Snape's moaning he used the cruciatus curse to drill some common sense into him. Snape's emotional outbursts were seen as unreasonable and unresolvable, he refused to share what the problem was and abused any of the other Order members who asked what was wrong. He became unpopular very quickly, not that he was favourable in the first place. In the end Dumbledore had intervened and taught Snape how to remove memories, for everyone's sanities. Snape eventually educated himself in detaching from his emotions completely and it had saved him on more than one occasion.

Learning under two powerful wizards like Dumbledore and Moody in any other circumstance would have been a great honour. It wasn't that Snape was not grateful for the knowledge he has gained from both of them but they were both assholes, especially when they were together. However it was the knowledge he learnt that kept him going. Ultimately he was dedicating his life to saving Lily's son but knowledge was the one indulgence he revelled in, he hated ignorance. The life he led made him much wiser. When he looked back on his younger self all he could feel was embarrassment and shame, if he could get his hand on a time turner he would not think twice about going back and smacking the day lights out of himself.

Moody and Dumbledore would never allow him near a time turner.

Even though it would solve everything!

It was an idea he had contrived once he read about the invention by chance in Dumbledore's office. The Headmaster had been trying to obtain one for a staff member who was taking another teachers work load during their maternity leave. Snape had genuinely snapped the day he found the order form from the Ministry. Here Dumbledore had the means to end all the suffering yet he did not act on it but was willing to order one for a trivial matter. Snape was even willing to sacrifice his life going back in time and murdering Tom Riddle regardless of Riddle's infanthood but the idea was rejected for Snape's intentions were unnatural and dangerous. The time turner remained another burning alternative.

Another obsession. Another distraction. Another memory in a vial.

The morning sunlight miraculously began to shine through a vanishing window that would occasionally appear on his wall. It belonged on the fifth floor but was charmed to appear in the dungeons on occasion to allow natural light in. Today its noble task was not appreciated, he much preferred the underwater views the dungeon offered. Snape squinted angrily and clutched a memory vial lightly in his dexterous fingers. It was a memory from his childhood when he first saw Lily, an event that would spiral him into a life long fatal attraction.

"Bollocks to this."

Snape chose not to watch the memory. Or look at anything in the box anymore, the familiar stab in his heart unnerved him

~O~

Many inhabitants of Hogwarts castle had found sleep elusive. Those in Gryffindor tower sat up all night buzzing from the Quidditch victory aftermath and gossip about two certain sixth years and their illicit behaviour. Those who woke up early with mouths sour from the night of drinking butter beer wandered down to the common room and had the pleasure of seeing Lavender Brown sleeping at the bottom of the stairs leading to the boy's dormitory in her school robes, face sticky with tear run make up. Hermione and Luna were two of those fortunate enough to see the girl arched painfully against the cobblestone pillars yet the sight deterred neither of them.

The girls were joined by Harry who informed them that Ron was refusing to come down to breakfast but would meet them in Hogsmeade. Harry had also nonchalantly invited Luna to Hogsmeade so that they may find something appropriate to wear to Slughorn's party. Hermione found this invitation odd, as Harry never seemed the one to favour shopping as a favourite pastime but judging by the look he was giving Luna he seemed incredibly sincere with his request. It humbled Hermione to see Harry interested in someone other than Ginny. As much as she would have liked them together it was depressing seeing Harry pine for her while she was clearly smitten with Dean.

And any reason to distract Harry from his Advanced Potion Making book and his ridiculous obsession with Malfoy was a good reason indeed.

At the invitation to join them Hermione declined. She already had plans to spend the entire day in the library studying and today's topic was Severus Snape. Luna's words regarding their Professor and Hermione's infatuation had haunting her sleep. Barely sleeping a wink and turning in agitation, much to Crookshanks annoyance, Hermione had very little rest. In the end she decided that her obsession was with the unknown and unexplained rather that with the Professor himself. Hermione admitted that she knew virtually nothing about Snape and that her growing emotional attachment was unreasonable. What she knew about Snape was founded on evidence acquired through gossip, opinions (all terribly bad) and firsthand experience. Not to mention her inkling to see the good in everyone. Perhaps once she found some background information on the enigmatic man her fantasy of him as the underdog would be justified or diminished. The first place she planned to search was the student archives he was after all a student of Hogwarts just like her.

One thing was abundantly certain though.

Hermione Granger did NOT fancy Snape

She was merely insanely fascinated.

The library was quiet. Deliciously quiet. A quiescent library was the perfect after breakfast indulgence on a weekend. After all who would dare be caught in a library on the weekend? Madam Pince greeted Hermione with a curt nod, a little annoyed that a student had actually turned up to invade her solitude but relieved to find it was only Hermione, she was after all, as serious towards library etiquette as she was.

"Hello Madam Pince how are we today."

"Fine Miss Granger, and yourself?"

"Pleasant. I'd like to request some student records please."

To Hermione's knowledge Snape was a student at Hogwarts with Remus, Sirius and Harry's parents. That made him around thirty six or thirty seven. So he would have been at Hogwarts between 1971 and 1978. Hermione considered how aged Snape looked for a man in his late thirties. Wizards between their twenties and forties were basically adolescences by wizarding standards but by that logic it would make her an infant. The fact that she was trying to justify their age difference was enough to shake herself into the task at hand.

Stop thinking this way! This is purely for research purposes. Know thy enemy.

"The student records Miss Granger? Those are usually kept in the Head Masters Office"

"I know Madam but I require them for academic purposes. I only need Hogwarts 1970 to 1990 and Hogwarts 1870 to 1890."

"For what purpose?"

She had considered this. It was very uncommon for students to request student records, it was not necessary in any year curriculums. But thankfully Hermione's bookishness and overachieving persuasions came in handy. It would be believable for her to convince others that she needed them for research purposes without arousing suspicion. It worked for a majority of the mischief Hermione and the boys had gotten themselves into over the years and Madam Pince was still none the wiser.

"It is for an extracurricular research project for History of Magic. I am doing a comparison between Muggleborn witches and wizards of their progression of skill and academic excellence over a century."

It was only a little lie. In fact that would be a rather interesting study.

"Very engaging Miss Granger but I highly doubt you are in need of an extracurricular research project. Are you not in your sixth year?"

"Yes Madam."

"Over achiever if I ever saw one. You may borrow them but they are not to leave the library with them. I am serious, return them before you depart."

"Of course Madam"

Their banter was usually playful but the older woman's humour always had a slight bite to it. Madam Pince waved her wand, muttered an incantation and two large volumes could be heard careening from somewhere in the library towards them. One quite old and moth eaten, the other not as old but its spine was wrinkled, suggesting it was a well referenced record. They both smelled richly of floo powder perhaps Madam Pince had somehow commanded them through the fireplace from Dumbledore's office, how interesting. Perhaps she could apply that to her own books, it was save her lagging them around or precariously hovering them around the school.

"Thank you Madam"

Taking either book in hand and signing them off with a flourish of quill Hermione made her way over to 'her' secret alcove. It neither belonged to her nor was secret in anyway but she was the only one to have ever occupied it as it was out of the way between two narrow aisles. It has the softest cushions she had ever sat on. They were stuffed with down feathers from owl's, she found out from Dobby that they collect the fallen feathers from the Owlery. It was exceedingly resourceful and comfortable.

Once seated Hermione discarded the older tome beside her and hastily opened Hogwarts Student Records 1970 – 1990. Her finger moved sporadically down the index page for the graduating class of 1978.

"Ok, 1978 graduating class, page 394 . . . ."

Carefully Hermione plucked her way through the record, attentive to the fragile pages and calming herself not to search too hastily. Hermione always got a little jittery when conducting new assignments or researching new topics regardless what it was. She had an impudent hunger for knowledge and was a little impatient at times. But once she found what she was looking for she would submerge herself. Obsessing over details and over analysing and reanalysing everything until she was satisfied, in hindsight she always found it necessary otherwise she might miss some important information.

Landing on the page Hermione scrolled down the list of graduates. The list of names had their overall N.E.W.T scores and a small picture no larger than one centimetre squared next to them. One simply had to enlarge the selected person's information by tapping their wand on the image. It was an ingenious way of conserving space. Hogwarts did graduate a large amount of students every year.

The black and white image of Sirius Black caught her eye straight away and Hermione enlarged his picture. He was quite attractive when he was younger and he smiled suggestively at her. Hermione was surprised to see that the pictures where actually portraits but when she looked closer she could see that these portraits lacked certain traits that the larger ones around the school did. For one, these portraits could not talk, Sirius was shouting all manner of things at her which she could not understand, until he gestured to his chest. Just as well he could not talk, he was quite vulgar.

Rolling her eyes Hermione shrunk his image and continued to scroll down the list. The images also seemed unable to leave the page. It was quite sad, they must get lonely but then Hermione figured they become animated once you enlarge the image. She found this after a few enlarging and shrinking turns on Harry's mother, who did not seem impressed. Hermione skipped past Remus, Harry's dad, blanched openly at Peter Pettigrew's name in disgust and kept scrolling until she found the man she was looking for.

Severus Tobias Snape

"Tobias?" she whispered incredulously.

Normal she would not mutter to herself in the library. It was a nasty habit she did not favour in anyone. It was distracting but the middle name had struck her as odd.

What had you expected it to be? Salazar? Septimus? Satan? Don't be silly.

Looking up she saw Madam Pince looking strangely at her from behind a shelf, she was placing some books back by hand. Apologising silently Hermione turned back to the page and tapped her wand thrice on his name. It expanded to encompass the entire page. Ink spiralling to form text and pictures, pushing the list of graduates to the edges of the page, the graduate picture caught her breath. A very annoyed young man stared back and it felt oddly personal. Hermione blushed.

Seventh year Snape looked very tired and angst ridden. His hair was very long, down past his shoulders and held an oily texture that was present today. It was slick against his face and every now and then he would try and flick it agitatedly away from him. Hermione had figured it was because of working in a potion environment but perhaps its greasiness was genetic. Snape was pallid looking and had a very thin and angular face; in fact he looked very gaunt, despite wearing his bulky graduate robes. She figured he would of received a lot of bullying at Hogwarts because of his appearance, Hermione was more than understanding, she herself had been on the receiving end of countless bullying about her hair and teeth but at least she had tried to improve herself.

"Hello Professor" she whispered and he replied with a raised eyebrow.

Now she felt crazy saying hello to her teenage Professor. Severus. That was his name after all, he was not a Professor in the picture. Ignoring the black eyes that followed her with growing interest she began to read his graduate details. Snape scored top grade scores in all of his N.E.W.T's, was commended for his outstanding Potions, Defence Against the Dark Arts, and Charms knowledge and application. Was briefly in the Slytherin Quidditch team, the Gobblestone Team which was disbanded the year he joined and the Slug club.

The Slug club?!

Hermione had the common sense to no longer voice her opinions. It was unwise to draw the attention of Madam Pince again. A student taking an interest in a teacher of this depth would be very inappropriate. The fact that Snape had and was in the Slug Club was alarming although it would make sense Slughorn had been a teacher here prior and his tenure was around the time Snape was achieving Outstanding's and Exceeds Expectations. More than likely Slughorn would have seen potential in Snape. At the bottom of the information there was a formal graduate spiel congratulating Snape on his graduation from Hogwarts.

I hereby congratulate Severus Tobias Snape, son of Tobias Snape and Eileen Snape, for the completion of his studies and deem him an official graduate of Hogwarts School of Witchcraft and Wizardry. May he forever feel welcome through these halls like a brother. May he forever walk through this life as our friend.

Draco dormiens nunquam titillandus

Underneath the message the Headmaster had signed his full name as had Snape. Hermione read the script again and once more after that for measure. Waving her wand Hermione tried to reveal any more hidden information and was rewarded with a titbit she had not anticipated. It was a short background on Snape's blood purity.

Blood Status: Half-blood, Father Muggle, Mother Pureblood Witch.

It took all self-control not to blurt out her complete and utter shock.

His father was a muggle?!

Hermione had always pictured Snape as a Pureblood, mainly because he was a Slytherin and walked around with a sense of self importance and piety. Not to mention he was a Death Eater and Head of Slytherin surely they would have had a problem with him being half-blood and having a muggle father. Had he grown up like a muggle? Where were his parents now? Why was he always so unsympathetic whenever Malfoy had called her a Mudblood? Now she just felt angry. A dark shadow covered the book, interrupting her onslaught of unanswered questions.

"That's one hideous woman you're looking at Granger."

McLaggen's voice cut through Hermione like a finely sharpened razor blade. In surprise she retorted on impulse and slammed the book shut.

"He is not a woman," and pulled the book towards her, "but he is not as hideous as the boy interrupting me." She said snidely.

Hermione was going to take her new found anger out on McLaggen, his timing was almost too perfect.

"Come now Granger, you can't possibly be talking about me. I know fancy me."

"Sod off McLaggen can't you see I am studying?" Hermione held the book to her chest protectively, "Don't you know that Madam Pince has a strict no talking policy?"

As if on cue, the elderly woman poked her head around the corner and scowled at them.

"Shh! Be quiet!"

McLaggen ignored the librarian and instead occupied the seat next to Hermione in the aisle alcove. Hermione shuffled to get away from him but budged against the pile of books she had placed there.

"How did you know I was here?"

"It was obvious Granger, now look, it's not that I don't like this back and forth we have going. On the contrary, I find it quite stimulating, but I need to finalize our date for Slughorn's party."

"Oh it has already been finalized." She rolled her eyes, leaning into the pile of books.

"Good because I am getting a little tired of turning these other girls down. I know I'm a heartbreaker but I'm not a monster. Can't keep leading them on when you've already sunk your claws into me. It would be unfair to all of you. Not letting go are you can't say I blame-"

"Let's get one thing straight," started Hermione, "when I said 'it has already been finalized' I meant my rejection was finalized. I do not fancy you, you are one of the most boring and repulsive boys I have ever had the displeasure of knowing. Your constant badgering is nothing but an annoyance and I have no desire to go on a date with you ever! So you may as well do yourself a favour and accept another girl's proposal because I am not going with you. And the only claws I'll have sinking into your skin will be my cat's if you don't leave me alone!"

McLaggen paused, clearly confused with her aggression, he was completely heart set on their date and this, 'this' whatever this was, was quickly becoming an inconvenience for him. Hermione sat in fuming anticipation as she heard the cogs working overtime in his thick head. Finally words found him.

"So what you're not going with me?" asked McLaggen, "Has someone else asked you?"

His eyes darkened and he grabbed her arm, his grip was strong and pincer like. The action had caught Hermione by surprise, so surprised that she felt unable to move. Madam Pince popped her head around the corner and shot the boy another dark look which he completely ignored.

"If someone else has asked you you'll have to tell them no. You are going with me to the dance and that is final."

Hermione found herself, withdrew her arm from his grip and whispered harshly, "For your information I am not going with you OR anyone! I should not have to I am perfectly capable of entertaining myself."

McLaggen seemed oblivious to the memo that Hermione harboured a deep disliking for him. But clearly he had misinterpreted her lack of suitor as a green light and he released her arm and shone an award winning smile. In his mind there was still a chance.

"I bet you have no problem entertaining yourself," winked McLaggen, "but two is better than one wouldn't you say?"

A masculine hand hovered precariously close to Hermione's thigh, much too close for comfort. A snarl adorned Hermione's face as she reached for her wand. This interruption had gone on for long enough. . .

"Come on Granger, I know you like me. I know you do and I like you too. Shouldn't that be enough? I mean I REALLY like you!"

"Mr McLaggen!"

Madam Pince cleared her throat and the two found her towering over both of them with blue bloody murder written on her face. She did not muck around when it came to a silent library and she would tolerate a hormonal adolescent boy no longer.

"I have told you twice now to be quiet and you have continued to disregard my warnings. You are barred from the library for two weeks. Take yourself elsewhere! Go, get!"

Madam Pince dismissed him as if he was an irksome fly. McLaggen sent Hermione one last smouldering look before passing the librarian dejectedly and walking out of the library. The two women embraced the silence. Hermione silently thanked the librarian and turned back to her research. Out of the corner of her eye she saw the woman give her a worrisome look as she turned the corner into the reception.

Hermione opened the book in her lap under the desk to Snape's page and the image of him stared back at her in mixed confusion and curiosity. It felt strange for her to have an image of Professor Snape sitting on her lap even if it was an age appropriate Snape. So she decided it would be wise to have a break and study Arithmancy instead.

She had quite enough of boys for the moment.

~O~

Snape was stuck between a rock and a really bad place, and the only thing that could relieve him from said predicament was Dumbledore, who he had no desire to see.

Never would Snape forgive him for the stunt he pulled with the other Head's of House.

Not moments ago he had decided to spend the day in Hogsmeade stocking up on some more alcohol when McGonagall's head had invaded the sanctity of his private quarters through the Floo Network.

"Come to the Headmaster's office at once we have matters to discuss!"

Snape had no desire to discuss anything, especially with two jacked up Gryffindor's and an up-tight Head of House. He would be a snake in a lion den and he knew the outcome of that battle.

Unless he was a basilisk in the equation, then he would dominate.

The two children were staring daggers at him while he occupied a rather comfortable arm chair against the wall. It was such a shame physical discipline was medieval, some people simply needed a good smack to come to their senses, some a little harder than others. What he wouldn't give to be able to smack the malice right off their impudent faces.

"Thank you for coming Professor Snape. While we wait for the Headmaster," began McGonagall, "let me just say how disappointed I am in the both of you! Consider yourselves lucky I was not the one to discover you I have no tolerance for indecency! Under what circumstances did you think it was appropriate to engage in such illicit behaviour? I can only imagine the shock you must have caused Professor Snape when he stumbled upon your little 'celebration'. I expect better from you Mr Weasley and Miss Brown you should show a little more self-respect than that. Boys do not take those who give it freely home to their mothers."

Snape wanted to slap a hand to his face, this was so painful and it was so unnecessary for him to be here. If he never allowed himself to give into his more primal instincts then why should he have to openly discuss that of two teenagers? Snape had committed himself to a life of celibacy. After all how could he be with another woman when the only woman he ever wanted was six feet under? In his mind it would be wrong, no better than cheating and definitely not worth the experience. Not that any other woman had tried to be with him. Sexual intimacy was one of the pleasures he actively denied himself, and forbid masturbation. It was degrading and pathetic, and easily rectified with a vial of Flaccidum.

"We will be discussing your punishment with the Headmaster."

Ron spoke first.

"Snape had already given us a month's detention AND taken one hundred points each, we were only kissing!"

"Only kissing?! Are you suggesting that the Professor was lying? Are you prepared to have your memory observed to prove that Mr Weasley?"

Now red faced, Ron quietened down next to Lavender who was trying to hold his hand supportively. The girl seemed an utter wreck, her face was all puffy and the paint she wore on her face was smeared all over resembling something very similar to an overpriced Knockturn Alley escort. It seemed more than appropriate. Miss Brown was brave (or stupid) enough to shoot Snape a scathing look; he returned it with gusto, more than eager to deliver this girl a scaring of a life time.

He was not disappointed.

McGonagall paced around the room impatiently and waited for Ron's reply but soon realised he had no intentions of her seeing any of his memories.

"Thank goodness because I have only just had my breakfast. Keep your hands to yourself you silly girl, that is no way to behave considering the circumstances. The Headmaster should not have to start the day with hand holding and knee rubbing!"

A clearing of a throat caught their attention. Dumbledore immerged from the joining room, looking weary and less than happy. He indicated for those standing to sit and for everyone to take residence around his table. Not at all in the mood for frivolities he neglected to offer lemon drops and it brought a unified sense of alarm.

"Good day Professor's. Mr Weasley and Miss Brown it has come to my attention that the two of you were caught by Professor Snape engaging in inappropriate conduct in an abandoned classroom last night. Do you have anything you wish to add or was this incident completely fabricated?"

Snape was stone faced. Was Dumbledore actually suggesting that this whole mishap was a fabrication most likely orchestrated by himself in order to rob a few Gryffindor's some house points? Gryffindor's provided themselves with reasons to deduct points all on their own, Snape had no need to fabricate anything. Besides, he would be much more subtle than suggesting he caught a student performing fellatio on another. That was just disturbing.

Have some bloody common sense.

"Ron-Ron did not do ANYTHING wrong Headmaster", cried Miss Brown, "we were only sharing our love for one another when Professor Snape barged in and started accusing me of being a h-harlot and other nasty things, and he called Ron-Ron names as well. My poor Ron-Ron tried to defend my honour but the Professor was extremely vulgar It's not my fault that Professor Snape is jealous of the strong connect Ron-Ron and I have with each other. He has probably never loved anyone and I doubt anyone has ever loved him!"

"Miss Brown!"

"Lavender!"

Snape did not give the impression that he was affected by her outburst and folded his arms in mild irritation. Naturally they would expect him to him annoyed, he always was but the fact that he was personally offended by her words was something he did not wish to advertise.

"You will apologise to Professor Snape this instant!"

"No I won't he was mean to me!"

He would not accept an apology if it was freely given, they were pointless and the damage was done.

"What? Have you the audacity to speak to your Professor that way and not apologise?"

"Lavender just apologise!"

Love. Always had a way of ruining his day.

"Shh Ron-Ron. . ."

Snape had enough. The insinuation that no one had ever loved him and that he was incapable of love could not have come at a more inappropriate time. He could see Dumbledore silently studying him underneath his furrowed eyebrows. The incessant noise of the shouting trio seemed to turn to muffled static. He felt detached from the situation, someone looking in and watching and he wished he wasn't, he wished he was back in his quarters riffling through his possessions and never leaving his room again. He did not want to do any of this anymore. Teaching, spying, lying, it seemed so pointless now.

It had always been pointless.

Dumbledore was still staring at him, as were the others. They had stopped shouting.

"Severus?" asked McGongall firmly, "Miss Brown would like to apologise for her rash words, she did not mean a word of it."

"I'm sorry" said Lavender grudgingly, crossing her arms.

Snape did not acknowledge any of them but his frown increased its severity.

The Headmaster knotted his fingers and released a long sigh. "Yes well it seems to me that the punishment is well deserved regardless of what actually occurred Minerva. I will not return any of the points taken and Mr Weasley and Miss Brown are to report to Mr Filch tonight at six to start their detention. You are all dismissed."

"But Headmaster-"

"You are all, dismissed."

Dumbledore's last words were final. Ron was the first out the door with Lavender quickly nipping at his heels. McGonagall went to leave but hesitated, a stern look from the Headmaster saw that she made a quick exit behind her troublesome cubs.

"Well, that was enlightening"

Snape heard the door click shut and was brought back to reality. He looked up to see the Headmaster gathering a few items from his desk and placing them in a small emerald coloured sack. The older wizard's hand was trembling with age while his decayed hand tried to appear useful by allowing the thread binding the sack to rest between his fingers. Above Dumbledore the previous Headmasters watched in interest at the events unfolding and quietly gossiped to one another, they chattered in hushed murmurs."

"Severus I will be going away for a few days, back late Wednesday evening."

Dumbledore was intent on ignoring what had transpired, he had no desire to console Severus when he had his own problems to attend to. Snape was relieved that Dumbledore was as uncaring as he was, the last thing he wanted was sympathy.

"Where are you going?" he asked.

Dumbledore stood from his chair and walked over to a large oak cabinet to retrieve a few items, one Snape recognised as his deluminator. He heard the faint pull of hair as the Headmaster stroked his beard, contemplating whether to allow Snape the information.

"Nurmengard." Dumbledore offered off-handily.

Snape was surprised that Dumbledore relinquished that information so freely, he must of thought it not very importation. Although Nurmengard was quite an unsual place to be venturing at this time of year, if at all and the only reason Snape could fathom Dumbledore's visit was to see Grindelwald. He was the only wizard Dumbledore knew there to Snape's knowledge, he was unaware they were on speaking terms. This could hardly be a social visit.

"Has this something to do with Potter?" Snape found himself asking.

"No, for once my leave is for personal reason. My impending death has left me little time to think about what I wish to achieve. There is one thing I must resolve that lays heavily on my soul and it lies in a cell in Nurmengard. When one knowingly faces death Severus, one must be completely free of regret; it is the only way to give yourself to death completely and accept your fate. I will be bypassing the Hogshead on the journey back. Do see yourself out."

Dumbledore raised his arms above his head and from the joining room Fawkes came careering towards him. Snape flinched as Fawkes intercepted Dumbledore's raised hands and they both disappeared in a burst of flame. There were other means in which the Headmaster's of Hogwarts were able to leave the castle but Dumbledore was always fond of the most dramatic.

"I thought we all agreed he was not to go?"

"Obviously he had other plans"

"Nothing good can come from this!"

A noisy debate broke out amongst the portraits and Snape took the opportunity to leave. His spirits heightened considerably. With Dumbledore gone he could make a quick trip to Hogsmeade without consequence and collect a few bottles of firewhiskey to drown his sorrows once again. Except this time he would be more vigilant. If he was stealthy enough no one would be the wiser, it was not as if anyone noticed him in the first place. Silently he rose and made his way down the spiral stair case, careful not to raise the attention of the Headmasters. The last thing he wanted to be subjected to was ancient wizards gossiping.

~O~

Hermione had lost track of time. It was not until she started drooling on her forearm that she realised that she was drifting off to sleep on top of her Arithmancy spread sheet. Leaning back into an over arm stretch she felt something dig into her side. Pulling out the offending item it was the Hogwarts Student Record 1970 – 1990, she smiled softly to herself and decided to have one last look before returning the books and heading to the Great Hall for lunch.

The book opened to the page she was looking for funnily enough. Enlarging his picture the dark haired boy stared back at her in annoyance and crossed his arms. Hermione was unaffected by his cold behaviour after all he was only a fraction of the authority Professor Snape lorded over people and not nearly as intimidating.

Mouthing goodbye she closed the text and caught a glimpse of the boy's mouth move in protest. When Madam Pince took the books from her she gave them the one over and asked Hermione if the texts were influential in her research assignment. Hermione agreed, perhaps she may need them again for more information. Signing the books off Hermione bid Madam Pince good bye and made her way out into the corridor.

Food, then bed. She thought, and perhaps this time I can actually get some sleep

Thoughts of Professor Snape were eluding her and she felt a need to take advantage of it.

~O~

Snape's newly found optimism fell quickly once outside the Headmasters office, despite the corridor being empty of rambunctious children, the girls words were twisting knives into his stomach and he felt unsettled. Judging by the time, the students were most likely at lunch in the Great Hall and it was the perfect opportunity to sneak out onto the grounds and make his way to Hogsmeade or perhaps even Diagon Alley if he so desired.

Instead he found himself standing on a ledge in a nook archway peering out over the grounds. There was a storm brewing in the distance and it was possible they would endure it later in the night. Snape did not care for rain. For one, it was wet and an utter inconvenience, two it was inconsolable, if you wanted the Heaven's to stop crying you had to wait and lastly it was sad and depressing, it completely surrounded you, filled the senses and left you weary. But a storm, he mused, was completely different. Although rain was a factor it was not depressing or sad, it was angry and defiant. Thunder would crack and lightning would flash, bleeding light through the sky. It was vengeful and instilled fear and dread. Snape revelled in it. Not to mention lightning was incredibly valuable and hard to obtain, he gave any opportunity he could to retrieve it. Many dark potions required lightning, it was very potent.

Looking down, he saw the court yard, he was considerably high up where he stood and if he were to fall he would sustain a terrible injury. But if he landed on his neck he would be guaranteed death. Contemplating throwing himself off the Hogwarts Battlements or High Towers had crossed his mind more times than he could count. One night he had actually attempted it. He was incredibly drunk and the school year had not started yet, it had been five years since the anniversary of Lily's death and he decided to drink himself into oblivion. Instead he became belligerent and started running around the castle blindly until he found himself at the top of one of the towers. It had been raining, was freezing cold and with a running start he propelled himself off the tower, plummeting to his death.

But death had not greeted him.

Instead half way down the side of the castle he came to his senses and willed his body to separate. Sure enough his body became a levitating ball of mist merely metres from impaling on the battlement spikes. Dark mist was a handy trick that the Dark Lord had taught him, it converted his body into a gas in order to take flight without a broom or charm, it was dark magic and it was ingrained into your very being. So on impulse his body had transformed in order to escape death. He had felt like a coward. Too cowardly to keep living and too cowardly to actually die.

Snape still felt like a coward no matter how hard he tried to convince himself and others he wasn't.

Perhaps he should give jumping another try. Grasping the stone archway Snape leaned forward over the ledge and imagined he was actually considering ending it all. Today. It could all end today.

"Professor?"

But he knew it wouldn't.

"Professor?!"

Not today, not for a while.

"Professor Snape, stop!"

No, Snape wasn't a coward.

A tentative hand curled around his arm jerking him back to reality. The corridor had been unoccupied and everyone was in the Great Hall. Who on earth had the audacity to actually grab him! He had let his guard down. He never let his guard down. What was wrong with him?

"You are going to fall if you are not careful," came a bossy voice.

Tilting his head to the side and looking behind him he saw a familiar bush of hazelnut hair. Hermione Granger stared back at him with so much emotion and genuine concern that it almost made him careen over the ledge in confusion. Those were looks others held for their friends and family, not hated Professor's. He stood his ground with a stony disposition. The girls hand was petite and youthful and sent a powerful heat through his arm that stretched down to his fingertips. No one ever touched him, he did not allow it and the fact that the girl was insane enough to grab his arm had blown a fuse in his brain. Forgetting himself all he could do was stare.

"Are you alright?" asked the girl.

Snape felt her hand flex against his arm, perhaps she was realising the severity of her actions and considering the quickest and painless course of action to get out of this situation. If this was her feeling she was not advertising it freely, her brown was still pinched tightly in a worrisome frown and her eyes were sad and pleading. This look was not foreign to him; he had received it from Lily numerous times, the very last being when she begged him not to join the Death Eaters. He should have listened.

But he did it for them. He did it for her.

"Yes I am fine Miss Granger," he found his voice, "and your concerns are touching but believe me when I say that I am more than capable at looking out an open archway without careening to my death. Is that understood?"

The girl's face turned a light pink.

"Yes Professor. You just appeared to be falling-"

"I was hardly falling. Let go of my arm Miss Granger."

"Oh I'm sorry Professor! I-I was just-"

The chatter of students could be heard making a mass exodus out of the Great Hall, the sound was bounding through the corridors towards them and it heightened their senses. Hermione was still holding on to Snape's arm and felt unable to let go under his harsh stare. Those eyes had been staring at her for the better half of the day and here they were right in front of her, very much real. Snape was more than unwilling to be caught in such a compromising position so he wrenched his arm from the girl's grip. With a dramatic swirl of his robes he made his way in the opposite direction of the student chaos ascending the stairs to the ground floor. He felt heavy eyes watching him as he made a swift exit and he hoped that she would not be foolish enough to follow.

Hope you all liked this chapter. Don't forget to review :)

I do not own any of these characters. Property of JK Rowling

*scene is inspired by Brock Sampson meeting col. Gathers from The Venture Bros (I do not own them) watch?v=ZsyRcJkt2UU (I had an insane amount of fun writing this scene Moody and Snape yes please. That is a recipe for chaos.
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Years of Burden