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"Why Me?"	By : SpeedyTomato Category: Harry Potter > Slash - Male/Male Views: 88152 -:- Recommendations : 4 -:- Currently Reading : 8
Disclaimer: I don't own Harry Potter and make no money off this work of extreme insanity.

Chapter List
- 7
- 8
- 9
Beta'd by the amazing Tenchi. Love you, woman, you're the best!

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Chapter 8:

A Slight Lull

Stepping into his room after lunch, Sirius just wanted to flop on his bed and relax for a while. The room next to his was cleaned out of the spiders, so Lucius the prat was now directing his house elves to redecorate and expand it, staying in there to make sure they got it just how he wanted it, something wise when it came to house elves as they had odd ideas about what looked good. Along with that, there seemed to be a small army of house elves all over the place cleaning, redecorating and removing things. As he and Harry had no interest in even helping with such shite, they planned to hide in his room until it was done. The only thing he expected was for an elf to pop in here and there to ask him about whatever they found to see if he wanted to keep it. That he could handle.

The last twenty-four hours had been nothing but straight up insanity, so he needed a bloody break. From the look on Harry's face, his poor godson was in no better shape, so they were going to hide for a while and destress. Remus was tending to something or other with some books from what he saw, probably looking at the binding spell to find a counter. Snape, true to his word, was passed out drunk at the kitchen table, clutching onto a bottle of firewhiskey like it was a teddy bear or something. Though poking the man could be fun, as he knew no one was up to snuff when they were that drunk, he just wanted a break and to hide.

Taking a few steps in his room with Harry right behind him, Sirius then stopped, eyes narrowing. It appeared that despite his instructions, Lucius had sent an elf in here to redecorate. Oh no, that was not going to happen. Then there was the fact that the man had all kinds of things piled all over the bloody place with just a narrow pathway to walk through. Hell, as high as they were stacked, he was sure if you breathed on them wrong, they would come tumbling down! Snarling, about to start yelling, he was startled when a house elf popped in and bowed to him.

Bowing to her new masters, the little elf looked up at them then squeaked, “I is Dweeble, masters. Master Lucius assigned Dweeble to help take care of yous. If yous needs anything, yous call Dweeble.”

Though used to handling whatever himself, Sirius nodded to the little elf. Looking around, he asked, “Who redecorated?”

“No redecorations,” Dweeble told him, shaking her head so hard her ears flapped. “Dweeble just cleaned, Master Sirius. Master Malfoy had Dweeble go bring a bigger and more comfortable bed for yous, that's all.”

Chuckling, Sirius scratched his chin, “Cleaned is good! I suppose since I haven't done that in a while it might appear that it was redecorated.” Waving to all the stuff, he asked, “What about this shite? Harry and I don't want to be buried under an avalanche if someone moves wrong.”

“Nothing to worry about, Black,” Lucius told him, stepping into the room. “It won't be here long. The elves are just working on the room to expand it. Then they'll move it all in there. Until then, I have a stabilizing charm on it so it won't budge.” Folding his arms over his chest, Lucius looked around. “Shan't take more than an hour or so, I wouldn’t think. However, there is a spanner in the works here.”

Sighing, wondering what now, Sirius motioned for the man to get on with it.

“The plumbing isn't functioning right. The arachnids used it for nesting material from what I can determine. The elves can fix it, of course, but it's going to take time. Which means I'm probably going to have to stay in here one more night. On the upside, though, they will be fixing yours as well as it was affected by the nesting mentality.” Lucius explained, shaking his head, looking exasperated.

“As long as we don't have any more incidents like last night or this morning, that's fine,” Sirius told him, glaring at the man.

With a dismissive wave, Lucius said, “Shan't happen. I'll be busy most of the day, so I'll not be around. Tonight—we'll work something out in some way.”

“Then we're good, Malfoy,” Sirius sighed, just wanting a break from the insanity.

“There are a few minor details I want to discuss with you,” Lucius added. Seeing the man motion for him to continue, he offered, “Your bedroom suite—as you can see, I replaced the bed. It's much more comfortable, and far better looking. I can add the rest of the suite if you like and get rid of the ramshackle one you have. It's not a problem as I have it at the manor.” Then, to make it sound better so he didn't have to be faced with the foul one that was in place or have his eyes twitch at the mismatched set, he added, “It's far bigger than what you have and will work better. With two of you in here, as it doesn't appear that Potter is trying finding a room of his own, it'll give you more space to work with.”

Not having thought about adding Harry in, Sirius nodded slowly. “That I'll let you do. As long as it's nothing overly fancy or girlish. I don't want anything to do with that shite.”

Gesturing to the Gothic type bed, Lucius said, “It'll match that. I thought it was well suited to your personality.”

Glancing at the bed then looking at Harry, who was nodding, Sirius said, “We can work with this one.”

Pleased with that, as it wouldn't drive him to distraction, Lucius said, “I'll have it brought over then Dweeble can handle moving your things around and cleaning. I take it you have no issue with her as your elf?”

“As long as she isn't as nutters as Kreacher, she can have at it,” Sirius told him with a nod.

“And that is another topic I wished to broach with you,” Lucius sighed, shaking his head, looking at the floor.

“What did he do now?” Harry asked, leaning against Sirius. With Kreacher—you never knew!

“I think, for the safety of all of us in this house, you need to send him to St. Mungos. They have a ward for house elves that are more deranged than they normally are and are dangerous to their masters,” Lucius huffed, rubbing his eyes.

Though liking that idea, something that made him grin, Sirius shook his head. “Can't do it. He's been around and heard too much of what is going on for us to be able to put him somewhere else. What did he do this time?”

“I don't know quite how to put this--” Lucius sighed, shaking his head. “He seems to have developed an erotic fixation for your parent's clothing. We were trying to get rid of some of them, not to mention obviously damaged furnishings that are beyond repair, when he threw a major wobbler then wrapped himself in the clothing, kissing and licking on them, cooing, rocking. When the elves finally managed to get them away from him, he threw what could only be termed a temper tantrum, complete with throwing himself on the ground, fists and feet banging on the floor. I think he actually wet himself in the process.”

Grinning, starting to chuckle, Sirius said, “That's about normal for him. You'll get used to it. Just wait until you try to throw out something that he considers a major family heirloom. He's going to really pitch a fit with that. Or even if you even attempt to do something to mother's painting.”

Huffing, Lucius actually rolled his eyes. “The creature is unhinged! He chased the other elves around with a beater's bat, howling about blood traitors and the elves that serve them. I think he fully planned to do them an injury and it wasn't just a show.”

Chuckling, Sirius nodded, “Again, that's normal for him.”

Snorting, Harry added, “And you thought Dobby was bad. Kreacher is far worse.”

“The elf is damaged, Black. Something needs done about him,” Lucius told him firmly, arms folded over his chest.

“And I'm an escaped convict that has the sentence of being Kissed hanging over my head. He knows just where I am and who is helping me. And as much as he hates me, he would give it up in a minute, despite the fact he would have to punish himself. He has to stay. And, trust me, none of us like that either, especially me!” Sirius explained.

“Can't we—I don't know—lock him in a room we pad or something?” Lucius asked, trying to think of how to get rid of the troublesome elf.

“If you could find a way he wouldn't manage to get out, he can have my brother's. With the way elves are, though, he would be out in seconds then act worse after that,” Sirius snorted, grinning.

Not having thought about that, Lucius sighed, shaking his head. “Something, somewhere, needs to be done with Kreacher. That is obvious.”

“We know, trust me we do. We just don't know what. Just pray that you don't fall asleep and wake with him looming over you. There is a reason Harry and I sleep with our wands close at hand,” Sirius snorted, grinning.

Remembering the debacle from the night before, Lucius shuddered then shook his head. “Let me see what my elves can manage with a ward of some kind to keep him out. They may be able to come up with something. If nothing else, I can assign one to keep tabs on him and alert us to the fact that he's up to something unhinged so you can go deal with him.”

“Me? He's not going to listen to me, Malfoy,” Sirius laughed. “He hates my bloody guts and won't obey unless forced. Kreacher was alone in this house for over a decade taking insane orders from my mother's painting. As much as she despised me, there is no way in hell he's going to listen to anything I have to say to him.”

Alright, that didn't sound good, Lucius thought. Thinking it over, he asked, “Is there no one you can give him to or rebind him to another family? Though he might not be the best elf in the world when it comes to his job, something obvious from the state of this house, mayhaps he would do better with another family.”

“The only ones we know we could do that with wouldn't be any better as they are considered blood traitors from the start. I would have given him to Molly in a heartbeat if it wouldn't cause her problems,” Sirius shrugged. “Anyone, including you, that's even stepped foot in this house to help us in any way is considered a blood traitor. The problems he would cause them wouldn't be something I would foist off on anyone.”

Rubbing his eyes with two fingers, Lucius shook his head. This wasn't good, not at all.

“You could send him to Cissy. He loves her,” Sirius grinned wickedly. “Of course, then Draco would have to deal with him. He's even worse when he's fixated on someone personally.”

Shuddering at that thought, Lucius sighed, “Let me get with my elves and see what they can manage. At the very least, we might be able to get a tracking spell of some kind on him to give us an alert when he's up to something deranged or headed in our direction.”

“Have fun with that,” Sirius snorted.

Wondering what to do with the elf, Lucius shoved it aside until he could get with his elves. Straightening up, he said, “There is a smallish room up in the attic that contains nothing. Is it possible that I could take that over for some—entertainment items I have?”

Eyes narrowing at the way that was phrased, Sirius looked at the man, trying to gauge the expression on his face. Quickly catching on to the fact that it was probably adult entertainment items, he rolled his eyes. “Have at it. Just don't expect us to get involved with whatever perversion you have going there.”

Giving an internal sigh of disappointment that the last sentence, Lucius said, “I'll keep it to myself.” Then, under his breath, he added, “For now.”

Looking at the prat, Sirius's eyes narrowed more, sure that wasn't the last they were going to hear about whatever this was, something he was dead certain he wouldn't want to even know about. However, with a glance in Harry's direction, seeing the obviously confused look there and not wanting to explain what they meant, he pressed on. “While I have you here—can you get your elves to clean the backyard out? We haven't done that yet. Unless you want to be stuck in this house with the only sunlight you get from the windows, we need that cleaned before we can use it.”

The mere thought of being cooped up in this house for days on end without being able to step foot outside into the sunlight was enough to make Lucius want to break down into a gibbering mess and cry himself. Nodding so vigorously that he about ended up with welts from his hair hitting him in the face, he said, “I'll send for some of the elves that tend to the gardening at the manor. They'll have the back yard cleaned and, if needed, expanded before nightfall.”

“Works for me,” Sirius said, relieved. It was his thought that between him and Harry, they could manage to clean it up, but if the elves could take it on, that was even better.

Relieved that he could get that part handled easily, Lucius pressed on. Looking at Harry, disgusted by the holey, ill-fitting clothes the young man was in, he said, “Now, about this shopping trip tomorrow--”

Eying Lucius, wary, since the man wasn't someone he trusted yet and was obviously a pervert in several ways, Harry asked, “What about it? I don't care about getting new clothes, as I obviously need them, but we aren't playing dress up Harry here! I want to pick them out.”

“That's fine,” Lucius soothed with a wave of his hand. “I'll let you pick out whatever you fancy. Just allow me the pleasure of picking out one or two outfits for the two of you.”

Now completely wary, eyes narrowing, Sirius looked at him and inquired, tone cautious, “What kind of outfits, Malfoy?”

“Nothing too outlandish, I assure you,” Lucius told Black, tone smooth and with what he hoped was a neutral expression on his face.

That look—oh, hell no! The man was going to be talking before they agreed to anything! “What kind?” Sirius ground out, folding his arms over his chest, glaring at the man.

“Just something nice in leather and dragonhide,” Lucius said innocently, looking at Black.

Eyes narrowing more, Sirius inquired further, “And what kind of clothes are we talking here?” So far, with what he had seen of Malfoy that could mean anything from normal clothes to heavy duty BDSM gear. He wasn't agreeing to shite until he knew just what the pervert had in mind.

“Nothing too bad. Just trousers, jackets and boots,” Lucius told him dismissively, liking the idea of seeing the two dressed up like that.

“I always wanted a leather trench or motorcycle jacket,” Harry added, thinking that over while scratching his head.

Still looking at the man, Sirius was dead sure that Lucius meant more than that. “Outer normal type clothes only, Malfoy, and you have a deal. Don't even think about leather underwear!” He snarled.

“They make leather underwear?” Harry asked, blinking. “Wouldn't that be uncomfortable?”

“They do and it is, trust me,” Sirius told his godson, eyes locked on the far too innocent expression on the great prat's face.

“How do you know this?” Harry inquired, confused, looking at Sirius.

“I had a girlfriend buy me some once. Pulled the hair off very uncomfortable areas when I tried getting them off. Not to mention they are hot, don't move with you well and all kinds of other uncomfortable things,” Sirius explained. “We aren't doing leather undies!”

“Well, obviously, she didn't know what she was buying,” Lucius told him, shaking his head. “The silk lined ones don't do those kinds of things. You can even get them with fur lining, something quite comfortable that looks good.”

“No. Leather. Underwear!” Sirius ground out, glaring at the man.

“Outerwear of a normal appearance only, I give you my word,” Lucius told him smoothly, smirking slightly. Looking at Harry, he added, “I'll get you the trench and motorcycle jacket, both, if you like.”

“That works,” Harry grinned, nodding. Looking at Sirius, he asked, “What is the attraction to leather underwear anyway? That doesn't sound the least bit enjoyable.”

“Got me,” Sirius shrugged. “I don't get it myself.”

“People are strange, that's for sure,” Harry said with a shake of his head.

“No shite, Harry,” Sirius said, shooting Malfoy a pointed look. Something, somewhere, was off about this offer, he knew that, but as long as it was normal clothes, he would deal with it from there. He just hoped the man didn't have a leather fetish. That would be something he would have a helluva time explaining to Harry.

“I'll even let you pick out the styles,” Lucius added amiably, smiling slightly. This—oh, this would be good! Both of them would look magnificent in such attire and would be something he would find enjoyable to gaze at.

Nodding, though still wary, Sirius now knew to keep on his toes when it came to this shopping trip. He was also going to have to keep a close watch on anything Malfoy tried with Harry. Apparently, his godson was more naive about some things than he thought, thus being able to be talked into something he would be clueless about. Making a mental note to fill Remus in to help keep an eye on the prat, he waited to see if there was any more.

Pleased at getting most of what he wanted, Lucius was in a good mood. Quietly, he suggested, “If the two of you wish, get with Dweeble and she can redecorate in here to suit your tastes. Whatever you like, just tell her. We have plenty of spare furnishings at the manor you can use if you like. All you need do is mention to her what you would find pleasing, and she can produce pictures. Changing the carpet or wall treatments aren't an issue for an elf. Choose what you want. It will give you something to do. I would suggest that you may want to have her put an expansion charm on the room and update the bath as there will be two of you sharing.”

Thinking that over, Sirius gave a cautious nod. “That might work. As long as I make the choice.”

“She will answer only to you on that,” Lucius assured him. “I shan't say a word about anything you want to do. I may offer a suggestion, which will be up to you to take, but no more.”

“That I can deal with. We'll talk to her while you deal with your mess.” Sirius told him.

“I will let you do what you want then and get back to what I was doing.” Nodding to the two, already planning out the outfits he wanted to see them in, he swept back into the other room to run herd over the elves working in there.

“He's up to something,” Harry commented quietly, watching the man go.

“Yeah, he is,” Sirius snorted, grinning. “I'm just not sure what yet. We're definitely going to have to keep an eye on him, that's for sure.” Reaching out and ruffling his godson's hair, he said, “Let's flop down and relax.”

Walking over and dropping onto the bed, Harry stretched out, grinning. “This is comfortable! Better than the other one.”

Lying down beside Harry with a contented groan, Sirius replied, “Yeah, it is. I'm not going to bitch about this change.” Reaching out and putting a hand on Harry's head, he rubbed it then said, “You can get your own room if you like, Harry. I don't care, you know that.”

Giving a snort then chuckling, Harry shook his head. “I'm fine here. I think, honestly, I'm safer staying with you. Not sure what he's up to, really, but I'd rather stick close to you. The word pervert comes to mind here and I don't want to get talked into something by him.”

Laughing, Sirius nodded, “Yeah, that might be a wise choice there. And I'm completely agreeing with you. We're both going to have to keep on our toes for a while I think.”

Scooting up to the head of the bed, propping himself up on a couple of the big squishy pillows, Harry sighed. “We need to get him to fill us in on what is really going on when things calm down.”

Sliding up and getting comfortable by Harry, Sirius nodded in agreement. “Yeah, we do. It's been too insane to get the whole story out of him so far, but we need to know what's up here to deal with it. Maybe tonight after dinner, when we're all winding down, we can get him alone and have him tell us what the bloody hell is going on. Once we know that, we'll know what we need to do or deal with.”

“The bond--” Harry started with a sigh. “What can we expect with this? Do you know?”

“I don't,” Sirius told him with a shake of his head, looking down at the bed. “It's got to be more involved than just this part. Remus is looking up stuff on it right now so after we take a break, let's get with him to see what he found out. I'm leaning towards that it's not breakable, sadly, but a heads up as to what might be coming would be good.”

“Yeah,” Harry sighed with a nod of his head. Already his mind was playing back over the one mention that more sex would probably be involved, something that made him flush slightly. Right now he didn't want to think about that part.

Looking at his godson, Sirius asked, “Since you can now do magic outside of school and the Ministry can't say shite about it, what's the first thing you want to learn to do?” He figured that would give the two of them something to do while Malfoy was out of their hair and it would be fun.

Grinning, Harry said, “Transfiguring someone into a toad. I have plans for Umbridge with that if we ever run across her.” Stopping, he scratched his head and asked, “I meant to ask; would Buckbeak eat a toad and would someone as foul as her give him a stomach disorder or something?”

Laughing, Sirius said, “I don't know there, I really don't. He likes ferrets, something we're going to have to watch so he doesn't think Draco is a meal when he comes over, but I’m not sure about toads. Nor would I chance him eating someone like Umbridge. She might cause a fatal bout of gas or something. I like him too much to take that chance. I'm sure Hagrid has something that would love a foul toad for a meal.”

“Yeah, he has that massive spider in the forest. I'm sure even something as foul as Umbridge wouldn't bother Aragog.” Harry chuckled.

“Alright, we can work on that,” Sirius grinned. “Besides, she deserves it for getting us into this nightmare. Even Lucius the prat probably would enjoy helping with this. Might take us some time, but we'll get it figured out, Harry.” With that, Sirius began getting a feel for what his godson knew on the topic then walking him through the basics of human transfiguration.

Listening intently, nodding, Harry took in everything his godfather was saying, thinking about the joy that would come in handing over the stupid bint to Hagrid for a snack to give Aragog.
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"Why Me?"