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To have loved, and lost (was Missed Chances)	By : professorflo Category: Harry Potter > Het - Male/Female > Snape/Hermione Views: 10766 -:- Recommendations : 0 -:- Currently Reading : 1
Disclaimer: I do not own Harry Potter or any of the characters within. I make no money from this story.

Chapter List
- 1-Remebrance
- 2-2.
- 3-3.
- 4-4.
- 5-5.
- 6-6.
- 7-7.
- 8-8.
- 9-9.
- 10-10.
- 11-11.
- 12-12.
- 13-13.
- 14-14.
- 15-15.
- 16-16.
- 17-17.
- 18-18.
- 19-19.
- 20-20.
- 21-21.
- 22-22.
- 23-23.
- 7
- 8
- 9
Severus wiped his lips with a dirty sleeve, and reached out to twist the tap on. The contents of his stomach quickly disappeared down the drain. Cupping some water in his hands he rinsed his mouth out, the acrid taste of bile only fading somewhat as he spat it out into the sink. Abandoning the last shreds of his dignity he stuck his head under the tap and drank deeply.

When he’d had his fill he turned off the tap and stood again, but the quick movement made his head spin, and he had to clutch the work-surface once more to stop himself from falling over. After a few moment his head cleared, but he was left with a pulsing tightness at his temples that signalled an oncoming headache. Pain potions didn’t react well with alcohol, so he had two choices; either drown the ache with the remainder of the bottle that was still lying on the floor where he’d dropped it in the rush to the sink, or find a bottle of Sober-Up Potion before taking something for the pain.

Bending down – very slowly – to grab the bottle, he discovered that much of the remaining liquid had spilled out onto the floor and there were barely a few mouthfuls left. Not nearly enough to obliterate either pain or consciousness. The Sober-Up it would have to be, although he had no idea what to do with himself once he was no longer plastered, unless it was to go down to the dingy corner shop and stock up on cheap booze. He’d have to sleep off the dual potions before he could work on getting wasted again. Perhaps a Sleeping Draught and some Dreamless Sleep would be necessary in the meantime. There was no way he could risk seeing her in his dreams. The memories were hard enough to bear.

2 years earlier

Even before their feet touched the ground she was pulling his smock coat from his shoulders, sliding her hands around his back to tug at his shirt where it was tucked in. With difficulty Severus reached round behind her to flick the buttons on his coat sleeves open so he could tug them off his wrists. She was on him then, feverishly pulling at his clothes and dragging him toward his bed. She pressed her lips to his newly exposed chest, his neck, anywhere she could reach. Severus watched her with dark eyes, just enjoying the feel of her mouth on him, encouraging her with gentle fingers winding through her hair and down her back, as he fought to hide his amazement at her unusually wanton behaviour.

Hermione finally managed to divest him of his shirt and push his trousers own over his hips, before she wrapped her arms around his neck and pulled him down for another searing kiss. Unwilling to spoil the moment by doing something that might cause her to reconsider, Severus decide to take his cues from his wife and let her lead the encounter. Carefully he used his feet to pull his trousers completely off, and when Hermione began to pull at the ties keeping her backless dress on, he used his nimble fingers to help her.

As soon as the silk material slid down her body to pool at her feet she was guiding him backwards once more, and Severus let her push him down to the bed. Hermione paused for a moment to shimmy her knickers off, and he took the opportunity to take the sight in. It was certainly something he’d not seen fully before, as he’d not taken a moment to appreciate her beauty the night of their wedding, and of course he’d barely seen anything of her since, hidden as she always was beneath the sheet. But now he could admire fully the slight curve of her waist and hips, her breasts two perfect handfuls, her English Rose complexion flawless except for the scars that were a testament to her bravery.

She hesitated a moment longer, and although her posture seemed confident, when Severus looked up into her eyes he could see the slightest trace of insecurity. Her lips curved slightly as their eyes met, and he realised how obvious he was being in his admiration of her. He felt a tightening in his chest as it dawned on him that, despite her anxiety, she was taking full advantage of the rare chance to bask in his attention. Unable to look her in the eye, knowing that it had been his own conduct that was the cause of her misery, he grabbed her hand and tugged her towards him.

She fell into his arms, and they sank down together on the bed so that he was flat on his back with her creamy white thighs straddling him. Without any preliminaries she guided him into the warmth between her legs, hissing as he sank deep into her, wet as she already was. There was a moment’s hesitation before she lifted herself up, only to impale herself on him once more. The expression of pleasure on her face as he filled her made him groan and dig his fingers into her hips, encouraging her to move faster. He watched, his eyes fixed on her face as she unashamedly took her pleasure.

Her eyes were lidded, her teeth sunk deep into her lower lip in concentration as she began to move faster and faster. Severus couldn’t help but lift his hips to meet her. She was a completely different creature from the one that normally came to his bed; not even on their wedding night had she been so eager, so desperate to find completion with him.

Cupping his hands over the breasts that bounced gently with each movement of her body against his, he pulled lightly at the puckered buds, kneading the soft flesh with his rough and calloused fingers. She was so quick to reach her peak, crying out so sweetly as she threw her head back, that he was almost taken by surprise. The way she tightened around his hard length in response was almost too much, and he knew that if he didn’t take control it would be over far too quickly. He grabbed her hips, twisting her so she fell to bed, and rolled on top of her to settle back into the cradle of her hips.

Watching her face as he reached down to grab his cock and guide it into her, he didn’t miss the flicker of doubt that flashed across it. In a heartbeat he realised the reason – he’d put her back into the same position that they used for their passionless union week after week. Wanting to distract her before the moment was ruined, he hooked one arm under her knee, lifting it to allow him to push deeper, and lowered his mouth to hers.

There was a few seconds’ hesitation where she didn’t respond, but soon she began to press her lips back against his, wrapping her arms around his neck and rocking her hips against him as he began to move. Soon he was lost in her, barely aware of anything beyond the feel of her against and around him, her soft gasps in his ears, and the frantic pressing of their lips against every inch of skin that could be reached.

They moved as one for long minutes that seemed to pass as seconds, and slowly Severus became conscious of a strange feeling of rightness, that this was how things were supposed to be. It was quickly lost in the euphoria of his approaching orgasm. Wanting Hermione to topple over the edge once more before he came himself, he pushed himself up onto his knees, dragging her back down onto him and reaching again for her mouth with his. With one hand he reached between their bodies, using his thumb to flick gently at her swollen nub, as he began to pound into her more furiously than before.

Feeling her core beginning to pulse around him, he pulled back the moment before she came, wanting to see her face before he joined her. For the briefest second their eyes met, before her eyelids fluttered closed and her climax overcame her. Pressing his face into the hollow of her neck, Severus finally let go, grunting with pleasure as he spilled himself deep within her.

When he came back to his senses he realised how heavily he was sprawled on top of her, although she lay there silently, unprotesting. He rolled to one side, unconsciously pulling her with him, and, closing his eyes, waited for his heart to stop pounding. He didn’t want to spoil the moment by saying the wrong thing now. Not that he was… he could barely even think the word… ‘cuddling’ her. No, the bedroom was cold and the blanket too far away. And of course it didn’t feel all that pleasant to be lying there with her, it was just… convenient, especially after the amazing sex they’d just had. His arm was sure to go numb soon anyway, and then she’d have to move.

It took a few minutes for the post-orgasmic haze to recede while they lay there quietly. Severus was having a hard time deciding what, if anything, he should say to her. Slowly he opened his eyes to look down at her cautiously. She lay next to him, her head resting cautiously on his shoulder. Their legs were still entwined, but her eyes were wide and fearful. She seemed like a deer caught in headlights; frozen for a moment but ready to bolt in a second.

Trailing his eyes down her, he could already see where she’d begun to bruise from his fingers digging hard into her hips. He couldn’t help the smirk that crossed his face at the physical proof of his recent claiming of her. But Hermione must have misinterpreted the expression, for she flinched, and shrunk back from him slightly.

They stared at each other silently for a few moments before she spoke, her voice so quiet he had to strain to hear.

“Severus…?”

She shifted to sit up, and he couldn’t help the way his eyes dropped to her pert breast as they jiggled gently with her movement.

“Severus… say something please,” she pleaded.

“What do you want me to say?” he enquired harshly, irritated that the relaxed mood had been so easily interrupted.

“Wha… what was this?”

“If you don’t know what sex is by now, I’m not sure you deserve the moniker of ‘brightest witch of you Age after all.” The cutting words seemed to fall automatically from his lips. “What else did you think it was? Did you expect for me to confess my feelings for you?” The moment the words were out of his mouth he wished he could take them back.

She started grabbing the sheet and pulling it up around her naked body. One part of him watched with regret as her glorious breasts disappeared from sight.

“I thought, maybe… I hoped…” she trailed off, her head bowed. “I can’t believe I was so fucking stupid,” she whispered, more to herself than him.

The smirk faded from his face as he searched for the right words that would stop things from going back to the way they had been. But his mind was blank. He had no honeyed words to whisper in her ear. He didn’t know how to sweet-talk and flatter a woman. Even with the Dark Lord he had never been able to reproduce the nauseating fawning and adulation that Lucius had always been so good at. Half a lifetime spent in a household where angry words and fists to the face had been the norm had not prepared him for how to treat or speak to others well, although it had drawn him earlier than expected into the inner circle his bluntness and candour appreciated by a Lord surrounded by sycophants.

With a start, he realised that Hermione was already scrambling from the bed, tugging the sheet from where it was tucked under one corner of the mattress, and dragging it with her. She turned to leave, the glimmer of tears in her eyes. He had to say something. If she left now things may well be irreparable.

“Hermione, I…”

She turned on him suddenly, the misery that had been on her face a few moments before turned to anger. “You what? Just needed a good fuck? Or was it because you didn’t like Lucius playing with your toys?”

He felt his own temper flare at the memory of watching the two of them dance. “Lucius had no right to speak to you like that,” he growled, scrambling out of bed to loom over her. “You are mine, whether you like it or not.”

“So it wasn’t that you were jealous of the fact that someone else might actually desire me?”

He sneered. “You are mistaken. Lucius has always played his own game. Whatever you thought he was offering you I can assure you it was not that. Besides, I thought that after all this time that you were more intelligent than to put stock in any of Potter’s ridiculous fancies about me.”

“Oh, I knew Harry would come into this sooner or later,” she spat back at him.

“And why not? I heard more than enough of your earlier conversation to know that he is sticking his nose in where it doesn’t belong. How we conduct our marriage is none of his business.”

“He’s my friend. He’s allowed to be concerned.”

“He was impugning my honour and my position as your husband.”

“Your position…,” Hermione choked out. “So all this…” she waved her hand at the untidy bed, “was to prove a point… to Harry.” The last words came out as a hiss.

Frustrated with his own inability to stop his marriage disintegrating further he snapped, uttering words he knew he would regret later. “Don’t forget Lucius too. Both of them chose to discuss the state of our marriage, so I thought they would appreciate a demonstration. You should have seen both his and Potter’s faces as they watched you trembling with arousal in my arms. Perhaps they will think twice next time before discussing things which are not their business!”

She froze, her mouth half open in the process of forming a retort when his words fully hit her. She stared at him in shock for a moment before her face shuttered and all emotion drained from her face. Her eyes however, reflected so much hurt and suffering that he could barely look at her.

“I see.” Her voice was cold. “So our marriage is nothing more than a performance for the benefit of others.”

Shit! How had things spiralled so quickly out of control? “That’s not…”

“In which case, I would appreciate it if next time you informed me of the part you expect me to play, so I know better how to act in front of our audience.” She looked him up and down slowly, the slightest hint of feigned disgust in the way her lips curled at the sight, and he was suddenly conscious of the fact that he was still naked. “I would also prefer it if you left the pantomime at the door in future. I’m sure you wouldn’t want me to develop any false ideas about what you might be feeling.

He could feel his chest tightening with every word she uttered. “No, Hermione… I…”

“You what? You’re sorry? Or were you going to say that you love me?” She laughed mirthlessly. “Don’t worry, you’ve completely managed to disabuse me from any notion I may have in that regard. I won’t be so foolish to consider it possible again.”

She stormed out, slamming the door behind her. Slowly Severus sank down to the bed, head in hands. What the hell was wrong with him? He’d had it all within his reach, and he’d fucked it up yet again. Why was he so incapable of uttering three little words that, while a lie, would have given him exactly what he wanted? The thought of the long years ahead, so close and yet so far from what he wanted; his wife coming willingly to his bed, seemed insurmountable, even more so now he had experienced all her passion and enthusiasm mere minutes previous.

Why did the girl insist on wanting him to feel something for her? Why couldn’t they just take enjoyment from each other and live amicably together? They were clearly capable of both, as the years of ‘friendship’ before their engagement and the excellent sex attested. How could she expect him to feel something for her when he’d made it clear that his heart belonged to Lily?

But why did his chest hurt when he thought of the look on her face as she had fled his room, and why did the idea of carrying on the pretence of a happy marriage outside these four walls while the truth was so very contradictory fill him with dread? After all, he had everything he wanted: A wife intelligent and independent enough to not drive him insane, and one he desired enough not to chafe against the Ministry imposed regulations. They could have had a comfortable life together. They were both highly intelligent and practical. Why did love have to come into it? Love caused nothing but pain. He wanted none of it.

His chest was now so tight that he’d curled up into a ball and had pressed his arms hard against in a effort to relieve the ache. Severus wondered if he’d actually pulled a muscle during sex, or if he’d eaten something at the ball that was disagreeing with him stomach. For a few moments he debated whether or not to retrieve a Pain Potion from the bathroom cupboard, but the possibility of coming across Hermione in the hall made him dismiss the idea. He couldn’t bear it if she saw him like this, and just the thought of moving from his bed now seemed impossible.

Wandlessly he managed to summon the blanket from where it had fallen on the floor, and pulled it around him. He tried his hardest to ignore the wetness upon his cheeks, and told himself that the feeling in his chest was a mere discomfort compared to the agony of what he’d endured under the Dark Lord, but it was many hours before the feeling faded enough for him to fall into a troubled sleep.
- 7
- 8
- 9
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To have loved, and lost (was Missed Chances)