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You Will Not Kiss Me	By : Prosperosdaughter Category: Harry Potter > Slash - Male/Male > Snape/Remus Views: 22836 -:- Recommendations : 0 -:- Currently Reading : 2
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Chapter List
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Chapter 83: The Unforgiving Pledge

The Death Eater meeting had yielded a great deal of information either directly or by subterfuge. Snape had the names of several Ministry officials who were to being targeted for the Imperius curse and he had the names of three prominent Wizarding families the Dark Lord had chosen for the special attentions of Greyback and his cronies for their lack of co-operation. Snape would report it all, but it would be Dumbledore who would choose who would be saved.

As Snape swept though the dirty halls of the derelict manor to leave, a soft voice called to him.

"Severus, please!"

He stopped to take in the sight of Narcissa, beckoning to him from a half-open door. Still elegant in bearing and couture, but her expression was now haunted, the shadow and lines of worry around her eyes and mouth. Snape followed her into the room, a dilapidated reception room.

Her well-manicured hand grasped his and she led him to the dust sheet-covered chaise-longue and cleaned it with a quick spell.

"Please, Severus. Tell me how things are going with my son?" she pleaded breathlessly. Her blue eyes searched his desperately.

"Draco avoids me, Narcissa." He felt her hand tighten on his and saw a flicker of fear in her eyes. "I ask him to come to see me so I can help him, but he ignores me. I think he blames me in some way for Lucius's continued incarceration."

"It's Bella," said Narcissa, her eyes flicking nervously to the door. "She resents your place in the confidence of the Dark Lord. She hates that you have the place at his right hand side, that you escape punishment so often. She wants to give her blood to him at the full moon ..."

How Snape wanted to interrupt her and say that Bellatrix would be more than welcome! But he held his tongue, as he always held his tongue.

"She fills Draco's head with such horrors! How the Dark Lord will find him and torture him if it is not done quickly; how I will be made to pay for his failure; how he is a disgrace to his Black blood and how he is failing the name of Malfoy, as his father has failed the name already!" She sobbed as she spoke this last, and then coloured to have lost her composure and Conjured a handkerchief and screwed it up in her hand.

"You must write to him, Narcissa. Persuade him I can help. The old Rosier necklace was passed to an Imperiused student ..." Narcissa gasped, her petite hand flying to her mouth. The necklace was well-known in pure-blood circles and no-one would buy such a Dark artefact from Borgin & Burke since the shop had purchased it from the estate of Evan Rosier all those years ago.

"Draco is already suspected and I'm sure it was him too," Snape pressed on urgently. "Such far-fetched schemes are too dangerous! It mustn't be repeated. He could end up expelled at a minimum and the use of an Unforgiveable will see him in Azkaban." Narcissa's eyes were wide with fear and Snape saw them fill with tears. He softened his tone. "Write to him, Narcissa. Control your sister. She is only addling the boy – making him careless."

"You are right, Severus," Narcissa said. "But he is so desperate to prove himself to the Dark Lord; to be the man of the family whist Lucius isn't here! He's just a boy. He's frightened."

Snape squeezed her hand, sorry to see this once-poised woman seeming so frayed. "I know. I can help him to succeed. But he must trust me!" he said earnestly.

Narcissa nodded, and dabbed at her eyes with a handkerchief.

"Yes. Yes. At least," Narcissa said, coughing a little as her voice choked, "at least he is safe at Hogwarts."

oooOOOooo

Snape had told Dumbledore all he knew of the Rosier necklace and Malfoy's refusal to meet with him, but Dumbledore was still displeased that Snape had been unable to prevent it.

Snape blinked. Was he being serious?

"I have spoken with Narcissa to persuade Draco to speak to me. He has shut me out completely. It is Bellatrix's doing, we believe."

"You must try harder, Severus. As you've said, Katie Bell could have died. It was lucky you were here to minister to her, but it could have been so much worse. You must try harder." Dumbledore clenched his fist in emphasis.

Snape stiffened with offence.

"I can, of course, manhandle him into my office, if you would prefer, Albus, in front of all the other students," he snapped. "Is that what you would like? It's hardly covert, but if you need me to try harder. Perhaps ... perhaps I should Legilimise him by force, in the manner of the Dark Lord!" Snape was shouting now. "Would that be hard enough for you?"

"Don't take on so, Severus," said Dumbledore, in that maddeningly amiable manner of his. "I did not mean to imply that you were not trying. Please. Sit down." Dumbledore spread his hands, and Snape breathed more deeply to calm himself. He had an opportunity now. He should use it. He sat.

"Albus," Snape said tentatively. "I wanted to discuss my promise to you about Draco ..."

"Oh yes?" said Dumbledore, steepling his fingers before him. "I hope ... you are not thinking of letting me down ..."

Letting him down? How could Dumbledore talk of his own killing so lightly?

"Of course not." Snape suddenly found his palms clammy, as if caught in a lie. "I want to tell Remus what you've asked of me ..."

"You promised me anything, Severus. You understand the nature of the geas you are under ..." said Dumbledore quickly.

"Yes, I understand, but even so ..."

"...even so, Severus. I do not want you to tell Remus about this. It is too important." Dumbledore stood and went to stand over Snape. Snape felt sick at the refusal. He had so hoped that Lupin could be in this confidence, that he could steady Snape for what he had to do, could calm him in the days to come.

"You can't expect me to let Remus think I am a murderer, Albus! His own husband in whom he places so much trust, murdering the man he thinks of as a second father!" Snape tried to reason, hoping Dumbledore would understand.

"There are many people Remus comes into contact with, even within the Order, where slips could be made, and then everything we have strived for would unravel. Appearances must be kept. He cannot be seen to ..." Dumbledore stopped short, clearly resolving upon something.

After so many years trying to discern and cope with the Dark Lord, Snape had become attuned to charges in magic. He felt it now and his throat constricted with conditioned fear. Dumbledore squeezed Snape's shoulder.

"No, it cannot be. I am sorry, Severus. I must bind you to silence on it." With that, Dumbledore flicked his wand and Snape felt a tightening of his throat. His hand clasped at it and he stared at Dumbledore in horror.

"You have performed a Fidelius on me! How could you do that without my consent?" he gasped, as Dumbledore returned to his own chair.

"I cannot allow you to tell Remus without my permission." Dumbledore regarded Snape mildly over his glasses as if he had done no more the squeeze Snape's shoulder.

"Remus has become your weakness, Severus. I wonder if you understand how your devotion to him could threaten everything we have worked for."

"Why, Albus?" cried Snape. "Remus is trustworthy. He should know this or it will drive a wedge between us. We have too much ... enough to contend with as it is. But this ..." Snape inhaled rapidly as he leant towards Dumbledore from his chair.

"Since you've been with Remus, Severus, I wonder sometimes if you remember who you made this vow for," said Dumbledore mildly. Devastatingly.

"That is unfair!" Snape rasped, the shock of the accusation that seemingly came from nowhere jolting through him as he fell back in his chair, all his righteous anger washed away with crawling shame. Was it true? Had he forgotten Lily? But he would never ...

"You must trust me on this, Severus. You must not be impatient. It will work out for the best."

oooOOOooo

How could he trust him? Snape paced his quarters. It was now five in the morning, and he had not slept at all. It was pointless pretending he had any hope of sleep now. He went to his table and Tippy brought him a cup of tea. He started going through his paperwork for the day. His eyes roved over his inventory for the potions stores once and then twice, before he rolled his eyes with weariness.

All of his store of boomslang skin? Again? He would have to be vigilant. The question this time was: was it Potter or was it Malfoy?

oooOOOooo

As soon as Lupin arrived at the flat, he took Snape by the hand to the settee.

"We do this now," he said gently.

Snape swallowed. This is what they had agreed when they had last been together. Snape was to look, unhindered, at Lupin's memories of any meetings with Tonks so he would not torture himself, but he had not thought it would be the first thing they would do. He had thought they would talk, eat, bathe, make love. He had not expected this.

He opened his mouth to speak.

"No arguments, Severus. We agreed. I'll have nothing secret from you."

Snape tasted bile in his mouth at the irony. He swallowed it down. He and Lupin would make this work. When Dumbledore died, Snape would become the Secret Keeper. He would tell Lupin then. Of course, he did not expect Lupin to believe him, but he could show him the memory ... His mind flooded with worry that Lupin would refuse to view the memory – would refuse to believe him. He felt his heart beat harder at the thought, but Lupin snapped him out of his frantic worry by Lupin's two words that Snape always responded to, no matter what the context.

"Please, Severus."

Legilimens.

The memory started just towards the end of the Order meeting they had just had. Tonks was sitting next to Lupin. Snape knew she had spent most of the evening mooning over him, looking at him whenever she thought she was unobserved, small touches to his hand when she talked to him, a special smile: candid, inviting, a brush of her thigh against his. Snape saw and felt them all, but now he knew that Lupin did too. He moved his hand or leg away; not hastily or nastily, but quietly and slowly so as not to embarrass her. He joined others into the conversations she started with him alone. Snape felt the conflict in Lupin's mind: his embarrassment and discomfort for her unreturned affections, but his gratitude for what she did for them every full moon.

Then, Lupin snatched glances at Snape leaving, knowing he was going to their flat, and Snape felt the flutter of excitement and Lupin's desire to follow him, saw how Lupin took in every movement of Snape's, watching his shoulders, his hands, the set of his face, his hair, as he said he farewell to Dumbledore alone. Saw how handsome Lupin saw him to be. It melted Snape inside that Lupin saw him that way. How easily Snape forgot.

"Remus," Kingsley said. "Care for one?" He brandished an open bottle of Firewhiskey.

"I'd prefer a tea, please," Lupin replied amiably, smiling at Molly who had just brewed a pot.

"Oh, go on, Remus. Don't be a spoilsport," said Tonks, her eyes merry as she gave him a little nudge that Snape took to be meaningful.

"Really, tea is absolutely would I would like!" smiled Lupin as Molly handed him a mug with a look that Snape felt Lupin could not interpret. Snape could though. Molly saw what Snape saw. The difference was, Molly was clearly pleased. Well, why shouldn't she be? The woman was an inveterate match-maker; she couldn't help herself.

"I haven't had a decent cup of tea for two weeks, Molly! I just want to sit down and savour it." Remus smiled his most dazzling smile at Molly who immediately responded, as women of her age seemed unable to resist doing.

"Of course, dear," she said as she enveloped him in a maternal hug that separated him from Tonks and the bottle of Firewhiskey, and guided him to the brewing tea and Molly and Arthur's parental attentions.

Lupin chatted happily to Arthur, filling in odd pieces of information about Muggle culture with Molly listening and laughing occasionally and from the corner of his eye, he could see the heart-shaped face turning away from Kingsley, Moody, Diggle and Hestia to look at him. Of course, his luck couldn't last. Once the other group had imbibed enough, Tonks made her way over to Lupin and Molly prodded Arthur to come away. Lupin inwardly sighed at the ill-concealed ploy.

Sitting together, Tonks asked about his time with the urban werewolves and Lupin told her about their lives as an underclass of the city, indulging in petty crime and prostitution to eke out miserable existences and transforming in secure industrial premises at the full moon. These weren't packs so much as ragged groups of individuals, banded together for mutual protection. He was unsure that he could ever be successful in gaining their trust when he was clearly not as destitute as they.

He told Tonks some of their stories: how they were Turned and, without exception, rejected by their respective families and by the Wizarding world and how very lucky he had been that his parents had never put him out and had helped him through until their untimely deaths. Then Tonks told Lupin about David's parents who she had met in France who, like Lupin's parents, had been supportive and kind when David had been Turned as a teenager, and how she missed them too now that David was gone.

"If I may ask: why did you never tell your parents? I mean, to let David Claim you and not tell your parents. They would have to have known eventually. He would never have given you up," Lupin ventured.

"You don't know my mother, Remus. What she can be like. She would never have accepted him, never!"

"I don't understand. Sirius always talked of your mother as very understanding of differences. I mean – I assumed that was why you felt ... able..." Snape felt Lupin's discomfiture at making so many assumptions about Tonks's family based on a few things his friend had told him, seeing tears fill Tonks's eyes.

"I'm sorry," Lupin said softly. Tonks took his hand. Lupin gave it a friendly squeeze but Tonks did not disengage when Lupin began to move his hand away for a few more seconds than was entirely comfortable.

An embarrassing silence descended between them.

"Tonks. Dora," Lupin started. "It's very kind of you to help me through the full moon the way you do ..."

"Oh, but I like to ..."

"Hear me out please!" Lupin said gently, but firmly. "I do realise what a huge favour it is, but I don't want you to be hurt, Dora. I'm worried we ... I asked this of you too soon after David ..."

"No, I ..."

"Please, Dora. Please listen to me. It's a physical thing, I know that, and it has perhaps too much meaning ..."

"But I like you Remus." Her expression was earnest ... hopeful. "I really like you."

"I like you too, Dora, but ... not that way." Snape felt the heat of embarrassment in Lupin to have to say this to this young woman, and to see the hurt in her eyes. "Please, I don't want to hurt you ..."

"I understand that you need time, Remus," Tonks interjected quickly. "It hasn't been long since Sirius. I, of all people, understand that ... I won't push you too hard, I promise. But I think we could be good together, Remus. I understand who and what you are in a way other people never will. I know what you need ..." She blushed suddenly and all three understood what she meant at that point.

"Dora, please listen ..."

Snape was taken aback by the audacity of it, but Lupin calmed him again, entreating him to listen.

"No Remus. I'd be good for you. I was good for David. After all, I'm a shape-shifter too."

"What do you mean?" Lupin said, startled by the comparison. "It's hardly the same. I'm cursed. You're ..."

"Cursed too!" she interjected, her eyes sad. "All the Blacks are."

"What are you talking about?" Lupin almost laughed. "I've never heard of any Black family curse, and I'm sure Sirius would have told me."

"He got off lightly," said Tonks dismissively. "All of the Black offspring were cursed by a man called Lydiard whose son became a werewolf. He cursed us to be shape-shifters," she indicated herself, "and blood traitors."

Lydiard? Snape thought furiously. The father of Idris! Of course.

"But Dora," Lupin reasoned, "neither of those things is a curse! Sirius and your mother just didn't want to be dictated to on blood purity, and your gift is ... well, exactly that: a gift. You said yourself: it's priceless to your work as an Auror and the children adore your gift ..."

"That's really sweet of you, Remus, but you're wrong," Tonks said emphatically. "All my life I've had to listen to my family telling me how ashamed they are of my freakishness ..."

"What do you care about those dinosaurs of Grimmauld Place or those murdering aunts and uncles of yours?"

"If only!" For the first time, Snape saw her tear her eyes away from Lupin as they filled. She wiped her nose clumsily on a handkerchief screwed up in her fist and he thought how incredibly different she was from Narcissa, even down to the way they held their handkerchiefs in their anguish.

"Even my own mother thinks I'm a freak. Oh, she's very kind to me, and she's never called me it to my face. But her disappointment is so obvious, Remus. I can't seem to deport myself with any kind of grace, and I forget sometimes that I change subconsciously when I'm at home. I see her flinch when I do it." She sniffled again.

"And at school, I was always bullied, even in my own House, for being a shape-shifter. So I learnt to become a joker with it, misbehaving so people would laugh with me and not at me. But it was always there – I knew they thought I wasn't right. I could never be myself and just let my emotions express themselves as my nature intended. David understood, and I understood David. We were shape-shifters together."

Her shoulders slumped and she looked away again sorrowfully. Lupin hoped she could see that they only thing he and David had in common was Lycanthropy; that did not make Lupin a match for her. She and David had far more in common than that, and David had been young with a good profession. But it would be cruel to tell her that now that he was gone.

Lupin gave her shoulder a small squeeze of solace, and she patted his hand, and then turned to look at him, her eyes bloodshot and glassy.

"Thanks for listening, Remus. It means a lot to me to be able to talk about David. Hardly anyone knew, you see. Mad-Eye and Bill, but," she shrugged hopelessly, "I can hardly talk to them, can I? And I could never tell Mum – not with her Black mentality about ... you know ... half breeds."

She tucked her dull hair behind her ears and stood, giving Lupin a quick peck on the cheek that even Snape could not misinterpret.

"See you next full moon, Remus. Thanks again."

Snape withdrew from Lupin's mind softly and they both sat in silence.

For the first time, Snape felt some pity for Tonks. Not enough pity to forgive her trespasses on his husband but he began to understand the reason for her desperation. He, of all people, knew how hard it was to be the object of a parent's scorn or to make one's way, even in school, when differences one could not help but set one apart. Of course, she didn't have the terrible time that he had had, but he still recognised the unhappiness and otherness he had seen in her eyes when she looked at Lupin.

He remembered her as his student: raucous, joking, morphing all the time – she drove Pomona mad! But she had applied herself in his lessons diligently, working her way towards her ambition of being an Auror. Then he recalled how they had talked together at the full moon in the forest in Romania: quiet, gentle conversations of disparate people sharing a convention-breaking passion. He remembered how angry he had been when Dumbledore had Obliviated all of the other couples who ran at the full moon with them because he had lost that camaraderie.

He sighed heavily. Lupin was right: it had been a terrible thing to ask of her.

"What do we do?" Snape asked at last.

"I don't know, Severus, truly I don't."

"We can't not do it," Snape said heavily. "Well, we could. I could run away and not perform the ritual, but I doubt I could hide for long."

Lupin moved so he sat just behind Snape and his hands rested on Snape's tense shoulders and Snape rubbed his cheek against one. Lupin began to work gently at the knotted muscles there.

"I can't think of an alternative that keeps you safe. I'll just have to keep telling her and hope she sees that I'm not the one for her. I worry though, Severus. She sets far too much store by her differences, and not how much she is genuinely liked by those around her. I think she believes only what she known from a young age."

"We've all been conditioned by our families and Houses, it seems," said Snape sadly but savouring Lupin's long fingers and the balls of his hands pressing into his tense shoulders.

"Let's take this off," said Lupin softly as he unwound Snape's cravat and pushed aside the shirt collar, and kissed Snape's neck as his fingers worked the shirt from his trousers and pulled it over Snape's head, and his hands continued their slow, deft massage of Snape's back, easing away the tension of Snape's body, building desire as the massage became caresses, chasing away the men's worries. For now.

oooOOOooo

It wasn't enough.

Snape had drifted off to sleep after they had made love, but not for long. It seemed no time at all before his nightmares began – those nightmares that began with a jet of green light and Dumbledore lifeless at his feet, the bright blue eyes accusing then clouding over. Then Snape was running – running through the corridors of Hogwarts – his heart pounding so hard against his ribs he thought it would burst – but on he ran, Aurors, hell-hounds and wolves at his heels and bringing him down, now falling, falling, Dementors surrounding him to suck away his good memories and then his soul, falling, falling, as the slavering maw of the wolf opened to rip out his throat as the last word he would ever hear was hissed: "Traitor!"

Snape lurched upright, gasping hugely for breath, his cheeks damp with tears, gripping the counterpane around him in fear and sickness. As he screwed his eyes shut, about to flee the bed and sleep's nightmares, Lupin's arms enfolded his waist and he felt Lupin kiss his back.

"Tell me, Severus. Please tell me what's wrong," Lupin whispered hoarsely.

"I can't," Snape said in a horrified whisper. "I want to so much, but I can't!"

Lupin sat up behind Snape and leant his chin on Snape's shoulder and Snape leant against Lupin's head, his heart still beating too fast.

"The secret you had before? Is it a Fidelius?"

Snape nodded, as he felt a twinge of constriction in his throat to stop him even hinting, for a Fidelius, like all old magic, was soul magic and recognised intention.

Lupin wrapped his arms around Snape's shoulders and chest and held him tightly.

"Is it so very terrible, my love?" he asked softly.

Snape only just managed to speak as he thought on the man he would kill and the man who held him so lovingly now as he hid his face behind his hanging hair.

"It is."

Lupin pulled Snape back to the bed, and pushed his hair away from his face and held him tightly in his arms.

"I'm here, my darling Severus. Whatever it is – I will be here for you."

.

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You Will Not Kiss Me