Light on the Dark Side of Me

Title: Light on the Dark Side of Me
Author: cocoa-snape
Disclaimer: I own nothing. Harry Potter belongs exclusively to JKR…she is a goddess. I am making no money from this.


Light on the Dark Side of Me
Chapter 9: A little too close or not close enough?

Another dreaded Friday! Harry remembered the days – they seemed so long ago now – when he looked forward to Fridays. Now Friday meant Occlumency. Even though he was still unable to prevent Snape’s initial entry into his mind, his technique at expelling him had improved considerably.

Today’s session began with an unexpected and unsettling question from Snape, “Potter, I believe we’ve been dawdling in this cautiously gentle approach far too long. Personally, I think it’s time we took the plunge. Do you believe you are ready for that?”

Harry was taken aback. The past two months had been the cautiously gentle approach? That did not bode well at all. And perhaps even more worrisome was Snape’s question. Snape had never asked him if he was up for anything. He just plowed over him and mocked his failure. What was he proposing exactly?

“I don’t really know…I mean I guess so,” Harry said uncertainly.

“Your vacillations are far from convincing Potter. Now is the time to tell me you don’t think you’re up to the challenge. Be warned that for this lesson to be effective, I shall not stop my assault under any circumstances.”

“But what if I can’t throw you out?”

“Then we’ll be here all night with me inside your mind,” Snape said flatly.

Harry gulped, but nodded, determined not to let Snape think he wasn’t up to any challenge.

“Let’s warm up a bit first. You may yet change your mind,” Snape said. Harry steadied himself as best he could and waited for the spell. He felt it hit him and…

Privet Drive. Harry was 11 years old, proudly (and foolishly) showing his wand to Dudley after his first year at Hogwarts. Uncle Vernon, pointing his finger at him, calling him a freak, screaming at him to put it away.

Harry quickly stopped the memory and forced Snape out of his mind. But as the realization of what was coming flooded his mind, he began to panic. He felt his blood run cold and his palms becoming wet with sweat.

“Panicking is certainly not going to make this easier,” Snape commented. “I suggest you control your breathing and emotions before we begin, otherwise this will be a futile endeavor.”

“Yes sir.” Harry tried to comply. “How do you do this?” Harry asked in disbelief. Snape did not misinterpret his question, and answered the question in a surprisingly civil tone.

“It is not easy Potter. In fact, at times, it is overwhelming. You are here with me in the relative comfort of my sitting room – well fed, warm and unharmed. But can you imagine the focus and concentration required of you when you are excruciating pain? Can you envision clearing your mind of all emotion when you are facing the thing itself that you hate and fear the most? When you are standing in the front of the Dark Lord himself, all of these things become infinitesimally harder.”

Harry couldn’t even imagine – the idea of what Snape went through – it was unfathomable.

“So, do you send him the opposite feelings or do you just block your real thoughts?”

“It is far more complicated than that, Potter. Occlumency is a subtle art – you cannot simply hide your feelings and thoughts – it becomes all the more obvious that you are doing so. After the Dark Lord casts Crucio on you, for example, if you were to simply block all of your negative emotions, it would take him less than a second to realize that you were hiding your thoughts. And I do not expect that you would be alive for more than another second after that.”

“Then how—,” Harry started to ask.

“An exceptional Occlumens is able to selectively reveal certain feelings. In that specific case, I make sure to let the Dark Lord glimpse some of my feelings: pain, perhaps a bit of anger, shame. But then, I also let him glimpse specific emotions tied with old memories, masking the memories themselves, so that the emotion appears genuine and for the moment. So when I crawl up to him on my hands and knees as his supplicant and beg his forgiveness, he sees my submissiveness, awe of his power, devotion, and, of course, a little bit of fear. He eats that up.”

Harry shuddered at the thought, but did not fail to realize the significance of this conversation. Snape was sharing something very personal with him – and for Snape, it probably the most personal thing there was. It was the first time he ever had ever discussed his work as a Death Eater spy with Harry.

After a moment, Snape spoke again, “Are you sure you are ready, Potter?”

Harry felt his heart begin to race, he struggled to control it. He nodded and felt the spell hit him.

Harry, straddled over Uncle’s Vernon’s lap, his hand landing violent blows on his backside. Uncle Vernon seeing the content of the magazine. ‘How DARE you bring this filth into my house!’ Harry struggled to regain his control but realized he was failing fast. ‘I knew you were one of those perverts. You’ve gone too far this time boy. Pull down your pants.’ The feeling of humiliation was dizzying.

“Get out!” Harry screamed in his head to Snape.

“Push me out Potter,” Snape snapped forcefully.

“I can’t. Help me.”

Harry’s voice was an urgent plea, unlike anything Snape had heard from him before. Snape paused the memory, but remained firmly locked in his mind.

Harry heard Snape’s voice in his mind again, “Listen carefully to me, Potter. Focus on your uncle. Focus on everything you feel – all the hate, all the fear, all the shame, all the humiliation, everything. Are you feeling it?” Snape did not pause for the answer, he could feel the emotions overwhelming Harry. “Allow all of these emotions to consume you.”

“How is that supposed to help?” Harry wondered in frustration.

“Now channel it. Ball it all up into a big mass and channel it away.”

“To where? I can’t do it…” Harry said in resignation.

Snape voice was strong in his mind, “Create a new space in the folds of your mind…deep down. As deep as you can go – so deep you can’t even see it, can’t even feel it. So deep it no longer affects you.”

“Where?” Harry asked desperately, unable to fathom such a place.

A moment later, he felt Snape’s reply, “Here.” And Snape was touching him, not physically, Snape’s mind was touching Harry’s mind – someplace deep, someplace new and unknown to him.

“Can you feel that?” Snape asked.

“Yes,” Harry responded. And it felt good – Snape touching him like that, it was unbelievably intimate.

Snape’s voice reprimanded, “Stop thinking about how it feels Potter and focus.”

Oh my God, he knows what I was thinking, Harry thought.

“Of course I do, foolish boy. Now pay attention. I am going to restart the memory, and you are going to do as I instructed – channel all the emotions down there, into that space.”

The blows of the belt. Harry gritting his teeth in pain. Vernon throwing Harry off of his lap. ‘You make me sick. You’re disgusting, you know that?’ Tears streaming from Harry’s eyes.

For a moment, Harry didn’t think he could do it, but Snape touched that place in his mind again, and suddenly he felt a strong rush of magical adrenaline. He channeled everything he felt, all of those consuming emotions, deep into that space – guided by Snape’s touch. And when he had finished, Harry realized how true Snape’s words had been. All the emotion was gone – as if it never existed. He pushed hard against Snape’s mind and easily forced him out. His exhilaration at his victory was very short-lived, however, because once Snape was out of his mind, the memory and all the associated emotions surged back with redoubled vengeance.

“You did it, Potter. Well done!” Snape said, in rare congratulations. The smile in his eyes faded immediately once he noticed that Harry did not look well. Studying the boy, Snape felt badly he had used that particular memory – but, he told himself, he needed something intensely powerful to demonstrate the technique. Why did he care? It was the right thing to do from a didactic perspective, yet he regretted having done it. What was more, he was disgusted with himself for having done it.

Harry was feeling very ill. He was sure that Snape was looking at him with pity and disgust – and it was too much to bear. He thought that he might faint. He moved quickly to the couch, turning his back to Snape, facing the fire. The emotions were completely overwhelming him now. Unable to control them any longer, he began to cry, in short quiet sobs, and he hoped that Snape would have the decency not to ridicule him for it.

Snape stood frozen. Potter’s crying! Bloody hell! Do something Severus. But what? Snape wanted to comfort Harry, but he was completely at a loss as to how to proceed. He forced him feet to move and he sat down on the couch next to Harry, wondering what he should do next. A moment later, he heard Harry’s voice whimper through his sobs, “Maybe he’s right, maybe I am disgusting.”

“YOU ARE NO SUCH THING!!” Snape bellowed vehemently, startling Harry. Uncertainly, Snape placed his hand on Harry’s back and was surprised that Harry did not flinch at the touch. “You are no such thing,” Snape repeated again, this time soothingly. Without warning, Harry leaned forward, pressing his face into the folds of Snape’s robes, clutching them as if his life depended on it. Snape suppressed his shock as Harry sobbed against him, his whimpers muffled by the heavy layers of Snape’s clothing. After a brief moment, Snape stiffly encircled his other arm around Harry. He began rubbing light comforting circles on Harry’s back, in his attempt to reassure him that everything was alright.

Harry was lost in Snape’s comforting warmth, the security of Snape’s arms wrapped around him, holding him, rocking him softly back and forth – he never wanted to move.

After a few minutes, Snape decided it was long past the time to say something. “It’s okay Pot…Harry.” Harry nearly gasped in shock. Snape had called him by his first name. And his voice was so gentle, so unlike anything he had ever heard come out of Snape’s mouth.

Snape continued, ignoring his own tongue’s discomfort in using Potter’s first name, “Harry, what your vile uncle said to you was absolutely indefensible. I do not believe I need to tell you that his ideas about what is normal are at best idiotic.” Harry said nothing. Even though his head was down, Snape could tell that Harry was not really hearing him. Despite his discomfort, Snape forced himself to continue, “Listen to me. You are who you are Harry. You should not be ashamed of your preferences, whatever they may be.”

Harry felt himself calming down at the sound of Snape’s voice and his reassuring words. He lifted his head up and looked up at Snape and managed to speak in a hoarse voice, “But how do you know what they are?”

Snape sighed. Have I lost my mind? Why on earth am I being so kind to him? “Well…I suppose I’m a pragmatist myself – thinking and fantasizing about it will only get you so far. You’ve kisses girls – and a lot of them – the world knows that,” Snape said with a chiding smirk, “Have you kissed any boys?” I can’t believe I’m having this conversation with Potter!

Harry hesitated for a moment at the personal question. I can’t believe I’m having this conversation with Snape! “No.”

“And why ever not? I’m sure there are plenty who would be quite keen to do it.”

“You think so?”

“Sure, can you imagine – the Boy-who-Lived’s first snog?”

Harry cringed. So that was all he was good for?

Snape winced at his indiscretion immediately. He hadn’t intended for that comment to slip out. “I didn’t mean it that way Potter. You are…” Snape paused for a moment, trying to think of an appropriate compliment. “You are not completely devoid of physical charms.”

Harry wondered for a moment if that was a legitimate compliment. But he realized that coming from Snape, it was probably the best he could do and so he accepted it as such. “What’s it like?”

“What?”

“Kissing a boy?”

Snape hesitated, wondering if perhaps this conversation was going a bit too far.

Harry misinterpreted Snape’s reluctance. I can’t believe I just assumed that. I’m so stupid! “I’m sorry. I just thought that…I thought you were…” Harry stuttered.

Snape decided to spare Harry any further embarrassment and just answer the question, “Well, if I take myself back to your age, I remember that it was…quite pleasant.”

So it is true! Harry felt suddenly relieved and embarrassed all at the same time. Although Snape wasn’t holding Harry anymore, the pair were quite close. Feeling emboldened by their proximity, the intimacy of the moment and Snape’s surprising tenderness with him, Harry leaned forward and pressed his lips to Snape’s. Snape was too shocked for a moment to do anything, but recovered quickly and pushed Harry away sharply. He stood up and walked halfway across the room.

“What the devil possessed you to do that Potter?” he snapped.

Harry was too flushed to say much of anything. “I…”

“Leave now!”

Harry was searching for something to say.

“I said GET OUT!!” Snape bellowed.

Harry did not need any more encouragement and fled.
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As Harry lay in bed in Gryffindor tower that night, he found it difficult to sleep. The kiss was nice, he mused, more than nice. Snape hadn’t kissed him back, so it really didn’t count as a first kiss with a man, but it sort of did, Harry thought. And however limited it might have been, it was better than he could have ever dreamed. Harry couldn’t help thinking about Snape’s lips – how surprisingly warm and soft they felt. He decided he would give anything to be able to kiss Snape for real.

But as good as the kiss was, Harry was surprised to find that his mind was dwelling predominantly on a completely different set of thoughts. The fact that Snape had confided in him, sharing details about his work as a spy – which was perhaps the most sensitive and personal of topics for Severus Snape. The way Snape had touched Harry’s mind so intimately – gently guiding him in burying his emotions. The incredible feeling of being cradled in Snape’s warm arms. Snape’s whispered reassurances, his comforting words and advice. When Harry finally fell asleep, he did so with a smile on his face.
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The next evening as Harry made his way down to the dungeons, he had already decided that the wisest course of action was to confront what had happened head on and apologize. He, of course, did not regret his actions for a second, but he knew Snape was probably seething at his gall. Despite hating the idea of apologizing for something he wasn’t sorry for doing, he knew if he didn’t, Snape might cancel their lessons altogether, and that would be too horrible to imagine. As Snape’s wards gave way to his touch, he marched straight into the sitting room and began his rehearsed apology. He found, however, his words did not come as easily in front of Snape as they had in front his mirror in Gryffindor tower.

“Professor…I wanted to apologize for last night. I was…” desperate for your touch. “…I don’t know. It was…” wonderful. “I’m sorry. I was upset and I…” wanted you, “…I guess I forgot myself.”

“Of course you did,” Snape said a little too quickly.

“Thank you for not…well you know…making it weird. I am sorry, sir.”

“Let’s move on. I am perfectly happy to forget it ever happened,” Snape said firmly, a small voice in the back of his mind shouting, You’re a bloody liar, Severus, but he ignored it.

Yeah I know you do, thought Harry sadly. But I don’t want to forget it and I never will.

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A/N: Please review! I hope you enjoyed.

To the very careful readers (JJ and Isadex) who asked about my last line of chpt 7 in which Snape mentally decides to speak to Dumbledore when he discovers Harry’s affections for him via that fantasy: your questions were, did SS speak with AD or did he not? And if he did, what was Dumbledore’s reaction? Well, I can’t answer ANY of those questions, because the answers all weave into the upcoming increasingly complicated plot. I need to keep you guessing. BUT…I address this only to indicate that I have not randomly put that line in and forgotten about it.

I’m glad *MOST* people are enjoying this story. To my scathing reviewer: I’m sorry if my Harry bothers you - but I envision Harry as being inherently timid (at this point) faced with Snape’s controlling personality day in and day out. This will evolve over time, but if it offends you that much then don’t read the story. And as I said from the very beginning, this is ultimately a Snape-centered fic. I won’t really address your other comments except to say that the answers are in the story (for example: the ‘pathetic little shit’ comment is clearly a goading tactic on Snape’s part to bring out Harry’s unrealized potential - evidenced by the fact that he is encouragingly nice to him moments later).

In the next chapter, “apologies melt away,” Snape is distressed that harry is now distracted during their lessons (I wonder why!). Annoyed to no end, Snape is determined to rid harry of his foolish beliefs that his potions professor is a nice man and a worthy object of affection. Will he succeed? How long can the game last?

Please review (and don’t get me wrong by what I said above, both positive and negative comments are welcome).