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Harry Potter and the Serving of Justice	By : MikiNDaxxi Category: Harry Potter > General > General Views: 16660 -:- Recommendations : 0 -:- Currently Reading : 0
Disclaimer: We own no part of Harry Potter or his magical world and make absolutely no money by wasting our time writing this sludge. We did not create these characters; we just abuse them ad gratis. Our humble apologies to the disclaimer police.

Chapter List
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Hermione’s Gestapo-esque Search of Hogwarts

Hermione removed the pants from her plastic evidence envelope, giving it to Lupin to sniff. Lupin then passed them around to the other werewolves. Jacob nodded in understanding, and they were off.

Donning a vaguely fascist-looking ensemble, Hermione lead the werewolves by the numerous leads in her hands. No area or room was safe from her inquisition. She burst into room after room, without warning, terrifying the occupants who were often in varying stages of undress, on the toilet, brewing potions of dubious intent, or doing other boring things not worth typing out.

Even the professors’ quarters were subject to search. Hermione urged the werewolves towards Professor McGonagall’s quarters in the professors’ wing. Without warning, not even a courtesy knock, she unnecessarily blasted apart the wooden planks with a particularly strong Impedimenta spell, bits of wood and cast iron flying every which way. As the debris settled, Hermione took in the unusual scene before them.

There, bound naked to a judges table, was Simon Cowell. Professor McGonagall was dressed in a rather severe looking suit with a mandarin collar and the hairstyle of… Anne Robinson, the host of the Weakest Link?

Even Hermione was shocked.

“McGonagall!”

“Uh…hello there, Miss. Granger. Aren’t you supposed to be off finding a veil or something of the sort?”

“Yes, but this is veeeery interesting,” said Hermione, leaning against the frame of the blasted doorway and folding her arms.

“Oh, like you’ve never kidnapped a celebrity for your own purposes before,” snapped the transfiguration professor, blushing.

“True that!” interjected the Kpop idol Heechul suddenly, as he wandered over to join Hermione in doorframe lounging. “So far, she’s captured fifty of us. Like Pokémon. But I’m the prettiest.”

“I want Paula Abdul!” called Simon from the table.

“ That makes two of us,” remarked Professor McGonagall. “Unfortunately, however, she is currently in narcotics rehabilitation and is unavailable for this fan fiction.”

“Ok,” said Hermione, “well I guess we’ll leave you to it then…Need anything? Whips? Handcuffs? Ice mice…they’re rather fun if you’re creative. Alcohol?”

“Waaaay ahead of you, Miss. Granger,” replied McGonagall as she pulled out a ball gag, handcuffs and a flask.

“Well, that’s disturbing,” remarked Hermione and shut the door. “Let’s go, Heechul.”

This time, she moved on to the Hufflepuff dormitory. Pulling out the list of passwords which she had stolen from Snape, she muttered the password, ‘Cedric Pattinson penis’, and walked through the pile of large barrels which disguised the entrance.

She stopped short as she, her werewolf team , and Heechul entered. There, laying upon a sacrificial alter, was one of her treasured Kpop idols, Key. Above him, poised to plunge an ancient-looking knife into the prone Korean boy, stood Ernie Macmillan.



                “Hey!” cried Hermione, outraged. “You can’t just take my stuff! I’m using that! What part of ‘Don’t touch my SHINee’ did you not understand?? It’s posted all over my idol room!”

Sobbing, Key blathered in Korean.

“What did he say?” inquired Hermione to Heechul.

Looking for all the world like he came across scenes like this every day, Heechul translated. “He said he’s actually glad to see your face this time and that he was stolen from Draco and Harry’s quarters.”

Hermione and Heechul went over to comfort Key.

Hermione twitched slightly.

“I’m all for Draco and Harry experimenting in their relationship, but they should have asked me if they could borrow him,” she seethed through clenched teeth.

She rounded on Ernie and the Hufflepuffs cowering behind him.

“And just what exactly were you hoping to achieve by sacrificing poor Key?” she asked angrily.

When Ernie failed to answer, Hannah Abbott shyly spoke up. “Well, after watching how you sacrificed Lavender to the Cliff Gods, we figured we could make them an offering too. If we sacrifice something pretty, like Key, we thought they may give us something pretty in return…like Cedric Pattinson.”

Hermione sighed. “I can see your logic, but unfortunately it wouldn’t have worked; Cedric Pattinson is not pretty.”

                The Hufflepuffs gave a collective gasp of shock.

Finding his courage, Ernie raised a finger of disagreement. “We find that he is,” he said with a shit-eating smile on his face.

Hermione’s lip curled. “Well, I find that arguing with Hufflepuffs is completely inane. DON’T TOUCH MY STUFF. Your punishment is, you are banned from finding for three months.”

Ernie crossed his arms and shrugged. “Honey Badger don’t care,” he smirked.

Hermione waved her wand and effortlessly transfigured him into a badger. She eyed the Hufflepuffs again.

“ Any other honey badgers out there? No? Didn’t think so. “

Now beginning to feel a bit wary of closed doors, Hermione firmly shut the door as they exited the Hufflepuff dormitory.

“That’s it,” she burst. “I can’t take this. I need to take an inventory of my Korean idol collection. Lupin, shirtless man-wolves, you’re on your own for a while. I’ve got stuff to do. Come on, Heechul and bring Key.”

And with that, Hermione left to brood over the idea of Hufflepuffs, of all people, touching her pretty boys. Stalking angrily to the Room of Requirement, she paced back and forth in front of the wall, thinking of her intentions while Heechul crouched down trying to lure Mrs. Norris to come to him.

Mrs. Norris had heard of Heechul’s reputation for dressing cats in absurd costumes and making them dance to wave music and so stayed the fuck away.

Key stared into space, still recovering from his near death experience with the Hufflepuffs. Hufflepuffs were always traumatizing.

The door to the room of requirement materialized in front of them, and Hermione, Heechul, and Key entered. The 48 remaining idols paused in their various activities. Some were playing StarCraft, some were wrestling, some were practicing their dance moves, some were reading comics, and others were having gay sex.

Heechul ushered Key over to the waiting arms of the other members of his group, SHINee, where he dissolved into healing tears. Minho comforted Key with snuggles.

Hermione cast a sonorous charm on herself and addressed the idols.

“Everyone! It has come to my attention that Hufflepuffs have been touching you. Your noona is sorry! We’ll get that Huffle-stench right out! Bath time, everyone!

She led the group out of the room, and the idols watched as Hermione began her pacing again, with new intention. The door re-materialized, and the group trooped back inside to the large, sparkling clean Korean-style bathhouse. As they filed in, Harry and Draco were just coming out of the sauna area, munching on some baked eggs.

Harry’s face broke into a smile as he spotted her.

“Hermione! Did you know we have a Korean bathhouse in here? Blaise just told us about it.”

“Of course I knew. I make Blaise wash my idols. How do you think he knows about it?”

“I suppose that makes sense,” said Harry. “Anyway, it’s super relaxing. I feel so refreshed.”

“As long as you’re here,” Hermione said with narrowed eyes, “why don’t you help me wash the idols to make up for playing with Key without my permission?”

Harry and Draco fought to arrange their faces into some kind of expression which conveyed that they actually considered this a punishment and not a reward.

“Damn,” said Harry with an unconvincing sigh, “if we must.”

“Sometimes,” said Draco, “I love being in this fan fiction.” He paused. “But I hate the writers,” he added.

“Yes,” agreed Hermione, “before we begin this super-fun-bath-time-awesome-sauce-extravaganza, let’s take a minute to think about how much we all hate the authors so very much.”

A moment of silence fell upon the group. Then, bath time ensued.
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Harry Potter and the Serving of Justice