To Find The Missing Lifeline | By : EvilConcubine Category: Harry Potter > Slash - Male/Male > Harry/Draco Views: 37355 -:- Recommendations : 1 -:- Currently Reading : 2 |
Disclaimer: I don't own Harry Potter. I don't make money from this story. |
8. Salty Streams
The Room of Requirement was a luxury bedroom. Two bodies were in the heat of the passion between the silk sheets. Harry was enjoying it greatly; the pleasure was mind-blowing. The only thing that bothered him somewhere deep inside was the fact that, instead of the blond hair, he was touching red and longer hair, instead of grey eyes he was looking into darker blue; the skin was slightly tanned and two round breasts were pressed by his body. His subconsciousness was screaming that something was wrong, but it felt right. He knew it was right. She was his fate for a long time already, and he had to stop ignoring it at last.
He had to end everything with Draco; it was too cruel to keep lying to him. Could they possibly stay friends after a month of being lovers? Not likely... How everything could change so much in such a short period of time was beyond his understanding, but he had to stop hurting two people that didn't deserve it. It was simply unfair and he was surprised with himself. He had never thought he was capable of doing such terrible things. 'God... How could I screw up like this?'
When he entered Draco's room after almost ten minutes of staying in front of the portrait, the blond almost ran to him to hold him. He smiled, but the smile disappeared when he felt how strained Harry's body was. And then his love just took his hands and freed himself from the embrace.
"Draco, no. We need to talk," Harry said quietly. Draco's mouth became dry, he swallowed. His heart was beating fast. The brunet was feeling the same. They sat down.
"I can't lie anymore. Something happened yesterday and... You need to know... I was with Ginny," Harry said and closed his eyes. His breathing was shaking. Draco closed his eyes as well, vividly feeling the way his heart was shattering into pieces.
"So..." That was all he could answer. His voice was hoarse. Harry wasn't sure anymore that he could leave him like this. He was confused and he simply didn't know what to do. It seemed they had shared such a short time together, just a month or so, as lovers, but they'd shared so much... Was it possible to leave it all behind?
"I'm so sorry. Draco, I... Look... I've got entangled. I need some time," Harry whispered.
"Right... You need time to decide who you like to fuck more. No fucking way!" Draco finally blazed up, sobbing violently. He couldn't believe it was happening. His voice was rising to a shout and breaking. "What is it, Potter, are you... going to fuck both of us?! Why don't we make a schedule then?!"
"Hear me out..." Harry tried his best to find the right words, but he couldn't. How could he explain something he couldn't understand himself?
"No! Don't even try to explain it... You're a liar! The whole week I was asking you if something... was wrong, and you lied to me! You were fucking me, thinking about her!"
"No! It's not like that... Draco..."
"Lying bastard... If you can't make a choice, I'll help you... Go to her! I despise you! Get out!" he screeched brokenly.
Harry was taken aback by Draco's hateful and desperate hissing, growling and screaming, the words stung painfully, but he knew, he deserved even worse. The most hurtful thing was seeing Draco's tears and knowing that he was the one who hurt Draco so bad. The heartbreaking cries made Harry want to hold him tight and soothe him, but he knew it wouldn't be wise to approach him now or ever again. All of it was like a bad dream for both of them. They wanted to wake up... Harry buried his face into his hands, choking with tears. 'What the hell am I doing?..'
Draco whimpered and wiped his tears away. But then he inhaled deeply, holding back his newly forming tears, and became cold and inapproachable. He turned away to speak without looking at the one he desperately loved, ignoring the aching pressure inside of his chest. It was hard and painful to breathe. Harry felt the wave of cold.
"We had fun, but it's over. You don't owe me anything," 'Go... Let me keep, at least, a grain of sanity!', "That's fine. I should have been realistic; you've always preferred Weasleys to me, so there's nothing new about it. I should have known," 'I love you... I love you so much! How could you, Harry? Gods! How could you?!' "What happened between two of us didn't mean anything, at any rate. I was probably just another conquest to you, since, I believe, you've always been hers," 'Don't look at me. I don't want you to see me like this,' "Perhaps, I've lost everything and I'm just nobody, but surprisingly I still have some pride. I don't need any leftovers," 'Just go before I scream and beg you on my knees not to leave me. I can't stand it. GO!!!' "Would you be so kind as to get the hell out of my room this instant?"
Harry stood up. All he really wanted was to comfort the blond, to take his pain away. His hand reached out to Draco's shaking body.
"Don't you dare!" the blond growled dangerously and flinched without turning his face to him. Harry's trembling hand stopped halfway and retreated.
"I'm sorry..." the brunet sighed.
"Forget the way down here," Draco almost whispered as his voice was almost lost.
Harry left. His heart was broken by the sight of pain and betrayal he'd seen in the grey eyes he adored so much. He hated himself so much for this. He'd betrayed him... Draco's cold words had been nothing but a lie, self-defence, mask; he knew it. The feeling of loss was overwhelming. His head hurt terribly and he felt tears streaming down his face uncontrollably. 'It is for the best,' he tried to convince himself. He pressed his forehead against the cold wall and looked at the entrance of Draco's room one last time before heading to his dorms. The ground was slipping from under his feet.
Draco wailed for hours, grasping at his hair and scratching his face. Shaking all over, he slipped down the wall and rolled himself into a ball on the floor. His nervous breakdown made his chest hurt terribly. In addition, his head was splitting and it felt like it was stuffed up, but was throbbing with painful realisation. He couldn't think anymore. Soon the migraine became unbearable; blinding, deafening. Draco couldn't stand the light, so his room was completely dark. He took his Deep Sleep potion, because he couldn't stand the pain anymore...
He woke up early in the morning, feeling very ill. After some time of lying in bed he could think again and realised what had happened last evening. Harry was lost to him...
He blamed himself for not trying to befriend with Harry's best friends. Could it disappoint Harry so much that he'd decided to find someone else, closer to their midst? He realised that the thought was ridiculous; he just tried to find the reason of what had happened and why their happiness had ended this way. Or Harry hadn't been happy with him, the feelings were unshared, and Draco had been so blind that he hadn't seen the obvious? He'd just been deep in the illusion of happiness... and blind. How could he ever trust him with all his heart? It appeared that even the look of Harry's pure eyes had been just a deception all the time. 'No, it couldn't be... He seemed so happy.' He still couldn't believe it was over and it was too much to bear.
Perhaps, what Harry had done was logical. It wasn't just about his friends. He had many reasons, in fact. Why would he need a person, who was so ill that could hardly exist without his potions? Why would he need someone with such past as Draco's? The world would never accept their relationship. Harry Potter with another boy, and Malfoy in addition. What a scandal... No wonder, Harry wanted to avoid it, even if he'd told many times that he didn't care what people thought of him. Perhaps, Harry had finally realised it and decided to break up. The circumstances were cruel and Draco's feelings had no right to exist in such reality. And the other reason was that Weasley, of course. She was a better choice, since Harry loved the whole family, so it was quite understandable that he wanted to become related with them. Even if Harry had liked Draco, had wanted him, they'd been doomed to failure from the start. He'd just become the unnecessary person in Harry's life, and had to stay away. It was over... And it hurt terribly, even if Harry had probably intended to do it less painful for Draco.
Draco sighed in dismay and another tear escaped his sore eye.
It was unbearable to see Harry during their lessons or in the Great Hall, but Draco never looked at him anymore, avoiding being close to him. It was unbearable to fall asleep in bed where they had slept in each other's arms, had made love to each other (or it was only Draco, who'd made love, and Harry had only fucked). He retired into his shell again, even more than in the beginning of the school year.
Reduced to a nervous wreck, he cried himself sick every single night until his Deep Sleep potion started to take effect, and he was falling into complete oblivion and void where he couldn't feel he even existed at all. Every night it was the same. And the days were no easier, since he was feeling that he was falling apart both physically and emotionally.
Later he started to force himself to study, and after lessons and doing his homework, he was overdosing his Deep Sleep potion to fall asleep in several minutes after taking it. Getting up in the morning was a heroic deed and his days off had become the hardest time for him. Studying was taking his mind away, not to let him think about the loss of Harry. He forbade himself to think about it while he was reading, writing or doing some practical tasks. Thankfully, Severus always had something to keep Draco busy, since the boy wasn't just his student, but also he was his apprentice that was ahead of most students in Potions. Draco just asked him to give him something to do and Severus never disappointed him, giving him more and more difficult and challenging tasks. The blond just hoped that his godfather had no idea about the reason of such zeal.
When the thoughts of Harry were so obsessive that he couldn't ignore them, he filled the emptiness of his soul with the thoughts like: 'It couldn't be any other way. It had to happen sooner or later. He will never come back and there's nothing I can do about it. I was going the straight road to disaster with my feelings. How could I possibly hope that it was something long-lasting or even eternal? This is ridiculous. He would have left me in the end of the school year anyway. It was just a liaison. It was nothing. I have to move on and stop being a fool.' It was his mantra just to go on, but it often ended up with tears.
More than two-week delay of his interrogation was very fortunate for him. He could hardly imagine how he would have gone through this only three days after his break up with Harry. And when he was summoned this time, he'd already reconciled himself to the situation (more or less). Without any protests, he answered all the questions of his interrogators just to make it end as soon as possible, so they now knew that he'd had 'an amourette' with Harry Potter, but had been left 'for a better match', and the person under their surveillance wouldn't cause any troubles to the Saviour. Why would they blame the great Harry Potter for 'having some fun' with another boy? It wasn't their place to judge his heroic whims, so they were quite calm when they'd found out about it, and refrained from making comments. He was despondent, but relaxed and composed when he left the room this time.
When he was finally in his own room, he decided to take a walk in the magical garden. To his shock Harry was there. The brunet smiled at him and approached him, making Draco step back.
"Draco... I'm so glad to see you," Harry smiled softly.
"What... are you doing here? I've changed the password... How did you get in here?!" Draco growled.
"But I'm here for you."
"Get out... Are you mocking me?" The blond really started to get nervous, especially when Harry tried to take his hand in his. Draco jerked away. "No, don't touch me!"
"But... Baby..." Harry whispered, looking confused.
"Get out..."
"You're tired and upset. What happened?"
"Gods... Do you enjoy hurting me? Can't stop?" Draco's eyes filled with tears. Was Harry this cruel to mock him this way? Was he there to deliver some kind of a coup de grace? Why? What had Draco done to deserve this?!
"What are you talking about?" the brunet asked very concerned. He looked so sincere...
"What do you think I'm talking about?! You fucked Weasley and left me, so you could be together! How can you act like nothing happened? Leave me alone... Please... Please, Harry, leave..."
"Oh, God, Draco... No... I would never do anything like that. I would never hurt you. You mean so much to me."
"Liar..." the blond whispered, trying his best to hold back his tears. But then he realised something... "Wait... You're not Harry... Who are you?" Now he was a little scared.
"I am Harry. Don't cry, please. Don't you know how much it hurts me to see you crying?" he soothed, "I know who can make you smile." He pointed at the bench. The blond woman was sitting there. Draco came closer. Now he was almost sure that he was going insane.
"M-mother..." he whispered. He couldn't hold back his tears anymore and they ran down his face freely. She turned her face to him.
"Come here and tell me, who's made my boy so sad. Come on..." she told him with kindness in her voice. He complied and sat down next to her. He knew it for sure, - he was crazy. He rolled himself into a ball on the bench and his head was resting on Narcissa's lap. His tears were leaving small wet spots on her skirt. His mother was stroking his hair soothingly. It hadn't been often when she'd been very lavish with the emotional gestures, but he still remembered her loving touches and he now was enjoying it. Although, he knew it wasn't real, even if he could smell his mother's perfume, recognised her touches, voice and demeanour. Even if that was some kind of a trap, he didn't care. Narcissa took a delicate handkerchief out of the pocket of her beautiful white blouse and wiped her son's tears away gently.
"What a wonderful weather, isn't it?" she smiled, closing her eyes at the bright sunshine.
"It's always warm here... Even when it's rainy," he whispered.
"It's good to be here with you," Harry (or whoever it was) said. He was sitting on the ground in front of the bench.
"But you're not real..." Draco sighed.
"We're here for you, darling," Narcissa said softly.
"Yes... You would have been very upset if you knew that your son has lost his mind."
"It's not true, Draco. You're going through many hardships, but you're definitely sane," his mother assured. He started to relax at the sound of her voice. It sounded like a source of warmth and comfort to him.
Perhaps, she was right... She wasn't his sick hallucination or some very realistic vision, but it wasn't her soul and it weren't her memories (unlike the portraits, for example, that contained memories of people that were no longer among the living). No... That were his memories about both of them, his mother and Harry, the things that his heart desired. It was all about this place. The same was with Albine. He'd thought that the garden needed more... fauna, and some time later the white cat had appeared. And now there were people, he needed so much, but they were no longer a part of his real life. The illusion was just adapting to the desperate needs of a person, imitating the required things or even people. With Harry it was probably even easier, because the place had seen him and had had a chance to know him better. They were just a part of the illusion, a fake...
This place could become his outlet, he could find the contentment with the illusions of the people he loved, but, at the same time, it was a cemetery of his hopes, something to rub salt into his wounds, - both fresh and old.
"Mother... Even if I'm still sane, I must destroy this place to keep my sanity. It has gone too far... I can't take it anymore," he said quietly.
"Do you want to destroy this beautiful garden?" Narcissa asked softly.
"Yes..."
"Well... I'm sure you have a very good reason," she said, passing her hand through his hair again. He melted at her touch, enjoying it to the very roots of his being.
"Why? You don't like me anymore, do you?" Harry sighed with sadness.
"I can't let you be here," Draco replied.
"Then... We'll just find another place to be together, you and I," the brunet smiled. Draco's heart responded with nagging pain at this. Ignoring the illusion of Harry, the blond just got up, kissed Narcissa's forehead and forced himself to return to his room. He closed the window. His mother and Harry were still looking at him, smiling at him gently, with love; he saw it through the coloured glass and closed his eyes. It was such a temptation, a chance to be happy, but... no. He moved all the furniture away from the window, took his stand near the opposite wall and pointed his wand at the stained glass.
"Expulso..." He wasn't sure, it would work, but it did. The deafening sound of explosion made him flinch and cover his head. Fortunately, nothing, except for the window, was damaged. The shards were scattered about the room, but soon they became just a dust that disappeared several moments later. The only thing, that left, was soot on the wall where the magical window had used to be. Draco tore down the smouldering curtains and moved one of the bookcases to cover that part of the wall. He sighed. The room didn't look so cosy without the window, but he knew, he'd done the right thing. He put everything in his room in order. The only thing... The framed photograph of Harry and him on the bedside table. He couldn't look at it anyway, so he hid it in the chest of drawers along with the amulet that Harry had given him. Tears welled up in Draco's eyes again and he sat at his desk, opened the schoolbook and focused on reading to smother his memories and ignore the lump in his throat. He had to keep the emptiness away...
Harry felt miserable. He often sought the grey eyes secretly. They never looked back anymore, the glitter in them had completely disappeared, and they seemed... dead. Something deep inside of Harry kept screaming painfully: 'What have I done?..' But it was too late. The company of his friends, who had no idea what was happening in his soul, was a good help to ignore the pain and the feeling of guilt.
Once, during the breakfast on Sunday morning, he was watching the apathetic blond again, while Ginny was telling him something about one of her friends. Still beautiful, still elegant, but Draco looked as if he hadn't been sleeping for several nights. He'd lost some weight and he was as pale as a ghost. Most of the food was left on his plate when he left the Great Hall.
"I'll be right back," Harry said and kissed Ginny's cheek. He followed Draco and soon caught up with him.
"Draco, wait," he said quietly. The startled blond flinched slightly and stopped.
"What do you want?"
"I just... worry about your wellbeing."
"My what?" Draco narrowed his eyes; however, he wasn't even looking at Harry. "Oh, my wellbeing? I'm perfectly fine. I study a lot, I let my interrogators into the intimate details of what happened between me and our dear Saviour, I've moved some furniture... So I've been quite busy, as you can see. And at leisure I'm cursing the day at the very end of September when the great Harry Potter saved me from the bunch of imbeciles. I would have rather preferred to be maimed and beaten up every day until the rest of this school year, if I only knew what kind of things you're capable of. So I really appreciate your concern," he chuckled darkly. "Don't waste your time on me; I'm sure, your... umm... 'better half' is tired of waiting for you," he told, trying his best to keep his voice steady, but failed. He was angry as hell and wanted to hurt Harry badly, the way he, Draco, was hurt. He wrapped himself in his long, perfectly ironed robes and left. 'Don't fucking pretend that you care. You don't. You just don't want to feel bad about yourself. You just want to vindicate yourself in your own conceit, that's all. Fuck you, Harry. Fuck you...' Dead on his feet, Draco was heading back to his room, only feeling the heaviness of the broken heart in his chest.
"I'm so sorry... I didn't want it to be like this." The brunet lowered his eyes and sighed as Draco had already abandoned his field of view.
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