Adult-FanFiction.org : Harry Potter

Scars	By : KJmom827 Category: Harry Potter > Slash - Male/Male > Harry/Lucius Views: 20250 -:- Recommendations : 0 -:- Currently Reading : 2
Disclaimer: I do not own Harry Potter, nor the characters from it. I do not make any money from the writing of this story.

Chapter List
- 1-Scars
- 2-2
- 3-3
- 4-4
- 5-5
- 6-6
- 7-7
- 8-8
- 9-9
- 10-10
- 11-11
- 12-12
- 13-13
- 14-14
- 15-15
- 8
- 9
- 10
A/N: I've had a few people, on a couple sites, ask about Harry's friends. I've kept quite on the topic thus far, simply because it wasn't time. This is Harry and Lucius' story, as Lucius sees it, and Harry's friends have had no part in it so far. The loss of Harry's friends was part of Harry and Draco's story and now you're going to get to hear it.

He lays his fork on his plate and fixes his eyes on a spot somewhere above my head as he begins to speak:

"I've told you that we started having sex before the end of the war, what I didn't tell you is that it started much like it ended. It was always violent. We'd start with our fists and we never kissed. It was just as much my fault as it was his back then. There was so much death, so much hatred around us, and we used each other as an outlet for everything that built up inside of us.

"I don't know that I would have come out of it all sane if I he hadn't been there. You'd think that, with everything that was going on, we would have wanted a reprieve from it, but we drowned each other in it. It was what we both needed, and I don't blame him or myself for that.

"Then, the war ended and it was several weeks before I saw him again. We were at some Ministry function or another - most likely in my honor - and when our eyes met, I knew he'd come looking for me later. He knocked on my door at about two o'clock in the morning. We were both sloshed, but when he tried to hit me, I stopped him. I made him kiss me, I made him go slowly. There was no need to hurry, no need for anger - it was over. The war was over and I just wanted someone to love me. I needed someone to want Harry and not the fucking hero they all thought I was.

"I wasn't a saint to Draco, though. To him I was just a boy who got lucky a few times. He was the only person who saw me for what I was. So, I forced him to make love to me. He left almost immediately afterward and swore he'd never come back. He was lying, and we both knew it.

"The next time, he didn't even raise a hand to me, and he fell asleep when we were done. He pretty much became a permanent fixture in my life after that. He was there most nights and he was there most mornings. I lost most of my friends because of him. Everyone except Hermione turned their back on me. They told me he wasn't good enough for me. That he'd just hurt me. How could I tell them that he had hurt me, and it had been perfect? So, I let them all leave, even Ron. I didn't need them if I had him. Hermione stood by me for years, but I'll get to her in a minute.

"With hardly anyone else left in my life, I devoted every free moment to whisky. When I started Auror training, he had a fit. Even now, though, I can't fault him for that. It wasn't what I wanted, and he knew it. I was doing what everyone expected of me. During the day I was Harry the Hero, Harry the Saint, Harry the Savior, but at night, I was Harry the Drunk.

"He was there for me through it all, the drunken rages, the nights hovering over the toilet, and the morning hangovers. When the Daily Prophet started printing the 'Fallen Angel' pieces that detailed my slow decline, he protected me from that. He wouldn't let a reporter anywhere near me, he even hexed Rita Skeeter once. He kept me sheltered from the real world and let me live in my own.

"Then, when the alcohol started to get the best of me, when I realized I couldn't go on like that, he saved me again. He held me and made love to me. He distracted me anyway he could from the burning need to leave it all behind. Soon enough, it wasn't the drink I craved, it was him.

"That was how I lost Hermione. When you sent notice that Narcissa was deathly ill, he begged me to move home with him. I told him no so many times in only a few days, but he kept asking. We had a huge row and ended up beating the crap out of each other. Then he told me he loved me, told me he needed me, and made love to me like he never had before. I agreed to move home with him.

"I went in the next day and told the Minister that I would not be completing my training and I had no desire to jump at his command any longer - not that I was that useful to him by that point anyway. I was gathering my things from the training room when Hermione burst in. She was sure that I was giving up everything I wanted in life for Draco. She was so sure that he was ruining my life. I tried to tell her nicely, I tried to make her see, but she wouldn't listen to me. Finally, I told her to fuck off. I'll never forget the look on her face when I talked to her like that. She told me she loved me, but that she couldn't watch me throw my whole life away for Draco. She said she'd be there for me when I came to my senses.

"I let her leave. I let her walk out of that room and my life. Sometimes I think that if I'd just apologized, if I'd just begged her to stand by me, I wouldn't have ended up like I did. But, at that point, I had no reason to leave him. As bad as it may have started, and as horrible as it may have gotten at the end, there was a time when we were happy. There was a time when he loved me and took care of me. Sure, he got a little riled up if another guy looked at me, but I was his boyfriend. That was normal, right?

"It wasn't until after we moved here that he started wanting 'more' from me. I'll never forget the first time he cut me. He numbed a small spot on my back without me knowing it. I was horrified when he rolled off of me and his chest was covered in blood. At first I thought it was his, then I felt it trickling down my own back. I punched him for it. At that point, I was still in a position to fight back. I did the first few times, too. Then he started trying to guilt me into it. He'd throw everything he'd ever done for me up in my face and I could never deny that he was right. I owed him something, I just didn't realize he would try to take my very soul. I gave in and let him cut me, but I made him promise to dull the pain. He agreed without argument, and the blood letting began.

"When Narcissa died, things went from bad to worse. Every time I'd spend time with you, anytime I spent more than two minutes in your presence, he would get agitated. You can imagine how bad he got when I started spending so much time with you after dinner. But, I didn't care, he was going to cut me anyway, and I enjoyed being with you. My life was pretty insane by then, I never knew what to expect from him, and you were my constant. I always knew you'd greet me with a smile and I could count on your kindness.

"Do you know why I never wanted to discuss what was going on with your son? I didn't want to let him leak into the one good thing I had. I'd found someone who wouldn't turn away from me because of him, and I didn't want to fuck that up by talking about him all the time.

"He started to accuse me of being in love with you. He started to make comments about your intentions toward me. He was paranoid and thought we were trying to make a fool out of him. He tried to convince me to move out, but I was firm. It was the only thing I would stand up to him for, and it drove him insane. It convinced him even more that there was something going on, but I didn't care. I had something good and I refused to give it up.

"Anyway, you pretty much know the rest, I made a stupid comment and he punished me for it. I stayed and he used me. He started cutting me more often and without a spell to block the pain. He stopped healing my wounds. He made me stop seeing you, stop talking to you, and he tied me to the bed at night so I couldn't sneak to your room. I won't get into all the physical damage done, because it truly doesn't matter and I won't burden you with even more knowledge of your son's deviant behavior. What I will tell you though, is that I had made up my mind to leave the day you came in to talk to me. I… I saw it as a sign when I opened that door and you were on the other side. My decision to leave was forgotten and I allowed you to rescue me."

He takes several deep breaths and meets my eyes for the first time since he started speaking. I don't say anything, because I'm not sure what to say. I want to apologize to him, but I've done that so many times, and I don't think it's my apology he needs anymore.

Our food has long since gone cold and I don't complain when he sets both our plates on the serving stand and calls for Pippi to take it away. I'm surprised when he returns to the bed and takes one of my hands into his.

"That's the story as Draco knows it. Most of it is true, hell, I guess all of it is true, but I've left out important information. I've left out everything that makes me guilty as well. I haven't told you the parts that make it hard to blame Draco completely. Do you want to hear that, Lucius? You said you wanted to hear it all, should I tell you the parts that even he doesn't know?" My mind is screaming 'NO!' but my head nods. I know he's going to tell me something that will change everything, but I need to know.

"He wasn't wrong. Every time he accused of loving you, I lied to him. I fell for you shortly after your wife passed, but held back. You were grieving and Draco needed me. How could I leave him when his mother had just died? What kind of person would I have been to tell you how I felt? You were the reason I didn't leave before he cursed me, and you were the reason I stayed after. You wanted to know what the hand squeezes were about? That was it… I… love… you," He gives my hand a squeeze for every word. Through his entire confession his eyes haven't strayed from my face and I feel trapped. I just swore to myself not even two hours ago to give up all hope for this boy, and now this.

It's too much, to think he's loved me longer than I've loved him, I can't breathe. I can't think. I want him to touch me, but he seems content to just wait. He's letting me process what he's just told me. He's giving me time to think back over the course of our relationship and pick out the moments I might have noticed what was happening, if I'd only paid attention. There are many, even more in the past two weeks.

"Harry-" There must be some emotion there that betrays me, either in my eyes or voice. My next words were to be 'we can't', but he doesn't let them leave my mouth. It would have been nothing but a weak denial anyway.

"Lucius, you don't have to say anything right now, or ever, if that's what you want. I'm ok with things how they are. I'm not pushing you for anything, I just wanted you to know that Draco wasn't imagining things and he was right to feel like he did. I was trying to give you a little peace of mind where he's concerned. I'm sorry if I've made this uncomfortable for you. I'll just go back to my rooms, and you can handle this however you want. If you want me to leave, I'll do so immediately, just send one of the elves in to let me know. If you want to pretend I never said anything, I can do that too," By the time he's done talking, he's opening my door.

I let him leave simply because I can't find the words to ask him to stay. I wonder why he's only considered those two courses of action? What if I don't want him to leave and I don't want to forget what he's told me? It seems as if I have a confession of my own to make and I hope he won't think any less of me after I've done so.

A/N: Don't hate me for the fluffiness of the hand squeezing. It's something my husband and I do. I couldn't help but give Harry a way to tell Lucius how he felt even if the other man didn't understand. Sorry!
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Scars