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Chapter 9
Hermione returned to Gryffindor tower. She felt numb after the events of the evening. She supposed she should feel humiliated that Ron and Harry had seen her with Malfoy. That they had tried to "save" her from being assaulted by the Slytherin and that she was forced to admit to them that she was there voluntarily and of her own free will. Of course she couldn't tell about Malfoy's threats to her family. She was sure she'd come off looking like the biggest slut in the world to her best friend and her boyfriend. Well, former boyfriend now, she thought sadly.
Hermione entered the common room tiredly and headed for the staircase to her dormitory. A voice from the common room sofa stopped her in her tracks. "Hello, Hermione. What are you doing up at this hour?"
Hermione turned to see Seamus sitting alone in front of the fire. She couldn't just ignore him or say something like "Hi Seamus" and pass him by. Hermione sat down next to him on the squashy sofa by the fireplace.
"How are you, Seamus?" She asked, avoiding his question about her activities. She looked at him noticing that his face looked a bit hollow.
"Oh, I'm getting along all right." His eyes looked tired.
"And your mother?"
"Its been hard on her, of course, but she's doing fairly well I think." He looked into the fire.
Hermione had to say something. She felt so responsible for Seamus' loss. She was tired of thinking "if only" but those guilty thoughts wouldn't leave her alone. "Seamus... I can't tell you how sorry I am." Her voice choked up and she knew she would start to cry in a minute if she didn't get control of herself. "So terribly sorry for everything that's happened to you and your family. I wish so much that things had been different - that things could be different."
Seamus looked uncomfortable. Hermione expected that it was difficult for him to be back in Gryffindor with everyone bringing up his loss over and over again. She should just shut up. She had no right to try to ease her guilty conscience at his expense.
"Thanks," Seamus said remotely. Then the Irish boy changed the subject. "Hermione, have you been in a row with Harry and Ron?"
Her voice was wary, "Why do you ask?"
"Ron ran in here about an hour ago with Harry right behind him. They were arguing. They shut up when they saw me sitting here but I did hear your name mentioned." He blushed a little bit. Hermione wondered what colorful language he'd heard regarding her from Harry and Ron. "I don't know what's going on between the three of you but they both looked really upset."
She sighed. "Yes. We've had a fight." Her lower lip was trembling. "I expect we're not friends anymore." She didn't know why she was telling Seamus this but at least he wouldn't be surprised when he found Ron and Harry weren't speaking to her anymore.
"Don't say that, Hermione." Seamus said. "You've been friends for ages. And I know that both Ron and Harry really care for you." His expression changed. "Have they done something to make you mad? Have they been stupid prats or something?"
Hermione laughed just a little, amazed that she could laugh after everything she'd been through. "I expect I'm the stupid prat. But its more than that, Seamus. I won't go into it but I think there's nothing left for us anymore."
Seamus reached over and took her hand. "Hermione... It'll all come right in the end. It's got ta. You three have been through too much to let anything get in the way. Harry's your friend. And I know that Ron really likes you." He looked closely at her, his hazel eyes catching hers and holding them. "I think he maybe loves you even."
"He said that?" Hermione asked, more despair filling her soul.
"Nah, not really. You know boys don't talk about stuff like that. Its something I can just tell. Its in the way he looks at you. The way he acts around you." He paused for a moment, his eyes still searching hers. For what, she did not know. "And there's all those years you've been driving each other crazy fighting like cats and dogs." He chuckled at the memories and Hermione found herself suddenly close to tears once again. She needed to get out of here.
"I'd better get to bed. You might want to do the same, Seamus." She got up.
"I suppose so," he said, nodding. "Sometimes its just nice to sit for a while in the dark and the quiet." Hermione knew exactly what he meant.
The next day Ron and Harry were conspicuously avoiding her. She was a little glad. Hermione didn't want to have to relive her experience of last night. She felt a little bit of embarrassment - probably less than she should have, she thought, surprised her face wasn't beet red every time she was near Ron or Harry. To the contrary, the boys were the ones who looked embarrassed.
She wondered if Harry and Ron had told anyone else that she was sleeping with Malfoy. She didn't think they would but was mortified of everyone finding out. She envisioned herself crouched in the corner of the common room while the other Gryffindors jeered at her and pointed accusing fingers. And the Gryffindor reaction would be nothing compared to that of the Slytherins. She flinchingly imagined what Pansy Parkinson would have to say about the matter.
The day passed rather uneventfully. She ignored Ron and Harry and they ignored her, although when her eyes were drawn toward Ron she saw he was glaring at her with an angry expression. Malfoy was ignoring all of them, which, she thought, was a good if somewhat ominous thing. She was glad to see that his face was still a little bruised and swollen from Ron's fist. He must have had to apply his own healing charms, Hermione mused.
In potions she ignored Snape's quizzical glances in her direction. She dodged Neville's clumsy attempts to get her to talk to Ron and Harry. Poor Neville, she thought. He had no idea what was going on. He looked confused and flustered.
After classes Hermione went for a walk on the grounds, hoping that some fresh air would do her good. She walked through the Herbology gardens and past Hagrid's now empty pumpkin patch. She tried not to bemoan her situation. She had done enough of that. There was nothing more to lose with Ron and Harry. She had made her choice regarding Malfoy and she had to pay the price. It was a price she paid grudgingly, but she paid it. Hermione sat for a while by the lake. It was nice here in the quiet. The sun was setting and the light sparkled on the water. The day had become quite a warm spring day. Hermione was just about to go inside when she saw Ron's tall figure hurrying toward her.
Ron was alone. Hermione didn't know if she was glad about that or not. Harry often was a moderating influence on her spats with Ron. Of course, this was no ordinary spat. This was a betrayal of love and trust. She knew that Ron would never forgive her. She didn't blame him.
Ron had a determined look in his eye when he reached her. She waited quietly, wanting to let him say what he had to say. She owed him at least that.
"So you're out here are you, Hermione? I was looking for you in the school. Figured you'd be in the Prefect's bath whoring with Malfoy or something."
Hermione said nothing. Part of her felt that she deserved it for the way she'd treated Ron. Part of her wanted him to hurt her back. It would give them both relief.
Ron wasn't done with her. "I knew something was going on with you, Hermione. I knew it!" His eyes were hot with anger. "When did it start? The day that you came on to me in your dormitory? I wasn't willing to sleep with you so you go fuck the next thing in trousers?"
Hermione could feel tears starting to build in her eyes. She blinked them away. She wanted to give Ron permission to vent his anger and frustration on her. If she were to cry right now, she didn't know what his reaction would be. He would probably silence himself. Probably hold his anger and rage inside. He didn't deserve that.
"What a fool I must have been - thinking that you were a virgin and that it wouldn't be right to take advantage of you when you threw yourself at me. Bet you had a good laugh."
Hermione finally spoke. It was too much to keep inside. She wanted Ron to be angry with her. To punish her. She couldn't let him turn his anger on himself. "I haven't been laughing, Ron. I'm so sorry for hurting you."
Ron grabbed her shoulders and looked into her face. She saw his rage plainly. "Sorry for hurting me? You fuck that arrogant bastard Malfoy and tell me you're sorry for hurting me? I can't believe you. You're barking, that's what you are." Ron shook his head, his frustration plain. "Did you think you could keep this a secret? That's what all that was about yesterday, wasn't it. In the Great Hall. Malfoy asking me those questions about you and me. That arrogant arse. And you went along with it. I'll bet you both had a laugh afterwards. 'Poor pathetic Weasley who doesn't even know his girlfriend is shagging another guy on the side.'"
"You let him say those things to me. 'Does she call out your name when you fuck her?' Now I know what he was on about. Do you scream his name when he's fucking you?" Disgust was added to rage in his eyes and he was looking closely at her. Hermione could feel her own disgust. That was a horrible thing - the way that Malfoy had treated Ron. She had felt so powerless.
"I knew something was up with you. I saw you sneak out. I asked Harry for the Marauder's Map so I could watch where you went... what you were doing. He didn't want to - like spying he said - but I knew you must be in some kind of trouble. Then the map showed you in the Prefect's bath with Malfoy. Harry and I knew you had to be in trouble. Alone with Malfoy in the prefect's bath in the middle of the night. We didn't know what was going on but we were ready to save you. Then when we came in and saw him on top of you... I never imagined that you'd be there willingly. Never imagined that you'd let him... let him... that you'd be... " Ron was stammering quickly. He couldn't get the words out.
Hermione said nothing. There was nothing she could say. Nothing except the truth would make any difference at this point and she couldn't risk that.
"Are you one of those girls who can't get enough, Hermione? Are you fucking Crabbe and Goyle as well? The whole Slytherin house maybe?" Hermione flinched as those images assaulted her brain. "I'm such a fool. I can't believe myself the other day, turning you down. Maybe it isn't too late." He bent down and, still holding her shoulders, he kissed her hard on the lips.
Hermione tried to turn her head but Ron held her tightly and moved with her. His lips pressed hard on hers, his tongue searched her mouth. She pushed against his chest, trying to shove him away. She cared about Ron but she didn't want this. Not this way. Ron wasn't loving her, he was trying to hurt her. He wanted to hurt her as badly as she'd hurt him. Ron's hand started to move across her body. She was struggling against him but he was very tall and very strong. He stopped kissing her and pulled her body close to him, groping her through her clothing.
"Ron. Ron. Stop it! Please don't do this." She was pleading with him in disbelief, struggling against his firm grip.
He forced her down on the ground and held her body down, lowering his heavy frame onto hers. His hands continued to paw at her. He kissed her again and again but they were rough, violent kisses, so different from the tender kisses they had shared in the past. There was no caring in this act. None whatsoever.
This wasn't Ron, Hermione reminder herself. This was some creature created by the destructive evil that was Draco Malfoy. She could hate what Malfoy had created but she couldn't hate this boy she'd loved and respected for six years.
Hermione stopped fighting. Tears were running silently down her face. She cried not for this assault on her body but at the utter loss of everything that she cared about. She had lost everything.
Ron's hands still pawing at her body, his roving lips passed across her throat, sucking and biting her. They moved up to her face once again and smashed brutally against her lips, now bruised from his kisses. His lips moved from her mouth across her face and Ron tasted her tears.
Suddenly everything stopped. Ron pushed himself off her quickly. He fell back hard on the grass, a horrified expression on his face, his breath ragged. "My God... What am I doing?"
Hermione sat up quietly, straightening her clothing.
"Hermione... I almost raped you," Ron said in an incredulous voice. "I don't know what came over me. Oh, God. I'm sorry."
Hermione watched Ron but said nothing. She wasn't afraid of him now. She should run screaming but she didn't. She wasn't afraid to be here with him, alone by the lake. Was it because she knew she deserved to be hurt or was it because she knew in her heart that Ron would never hurt her that badly?
"Hermione, go and tell the Headmaster. I should be expelled. I should be arrested. I should go to Azkaban." Ron's words came out in a rush. He still looked like he was in shock with his own behavior. "I'll let you go, Hermione. Don't be afraid. Go and tell them." The expression in his eyes broke her heart.
"I'm not going to the Headmaster, Ron." Hermione said, her voice was quiet. "I'm fine. You didn't hurt me. I know you wouldn't really have raped me, Ron."
"Who am I, Hermione? How could I do this? You didn't deserve that, no matter what you did. I shouldn't have done that to you. I don't know how this happened. But you need to go to the Headmaster."
"Ron, you were upset."
"Upset? I'm bloody devastated but that doesn't give me the right to... to assault you. I should be punished. You should hate me."
Hermione felt like crying but she held back her tears. She was getting good at it but this situation was putting her to the test. She desperately didn't want to show tears, to make Ron believe his actions were what was making her cry. He didn't need that guilt. He wouldn't have hurt her, she knew that. "I could never hate you, Ron. I care about you. I know you wouldn't have hurt me like that. I wish things were different. I wish I'd never hurt you. I wish a lot of things."
"Then why? Why were you with Malfoy?" Ron's brown eyes held tears. Hermione had never seen Ron cry before.
"Ron, I can't explain why I did what I did. Please don't ask me to." Her voice sounded her desperation.
Reaching out slowly, she picked up Ron's hand. He flinched a bit - guilty thoughts about his rough treatment of her maybe, but it could have been revulsion of her touch after what she'd done to him and what she'd done with Malfoy.
"I don't expect you to forgive me, Ron. I know how much I've hurt you. Please know that I care for you so much. I would never laugh at you. I would never use you. I love you." She dropped his hand and got up and headed back to the school, leaving him alone.
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