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Memories of Deception	By : professorflo Category: Harry Potter > General > General Views: 20868 -:- Recommendations : 1 -:- Currently Reading : 0
Disclaimer: I do not own Harry Potter or any of the characters within. I make no money from this story.

Chapter List
- 1-Memories of Deception
- 2-2
- 3-3
- 4-4
- 5-5
- 6-6
- 7-7
- 8-8
- 9-9.
- 10-10
- 11-11
- 12-12
- 13-13
- 14-14
- 15-15
- 16-16
- 17-17
- 18-18
- 19-19
- 20-20
- 21-21
- 22-22
- 23-23
- 24-24
- 25-25
- 26-26
- 27-27
- 28-28
- 29-29
- 30-30
- 31-31
- 32-32
- 33-33
- 34-34
- 35-35
- 36-36
- 37-37
- 38-38
- 39-39
- 40-40
- 41-41
- 42-42
- 43-43
- 44-44
- 45-45
- 46-46
- 47-47
- 48-48
- 49-49
- 50-50
- 51-51
- 52-52
- 53-53
- 54-54
- 55-55
- 56-56
- 57-57
- 58-58
- 59-59
- 60-60
- 61-61
- 62-62
- 63-63
- 64-64
- 65-65
- 66-66
- 67-67
- 68-68
- 69-69
- 70-70
- 71-71
- 72-72
- 73-73
- 74-74
- 75-75
- 76-76
- 77-77
- 78-78
- 79-79
- 80-80
- 81-81
- 82-82
- 83-83
- 84-84
- 85-85
- 86-86
- 87-87
- 88-88
- 89-89
- 90-90
- 91-91
- 92-92
- 93-93
- 94-94
- 95-95
- 96-96
- 97-97
- 98-98
- 99-99
- 100-100
- 101-101
- 102-102
- 103-103
- 104-104
- 105-105
- 106-106
- 107-107
- 108-108
- 109-109
- 110-110
- 111-111
- 112-112
- 113-113
- 114-114
- 115-115
- 116-116
- 117-117
- 118-118
- 119-119
- 120-120
- 121-121
- 122-122
- 123-123
- 124-124
- 125-125
- 126-126
- 127-127
- 128-128
- 129-129
- 130-130
- 90
- 91
- 92
Disclaimer: See Chapter 1

memory cont)
A couple of hours later Snape had moved to one of the armchairs by the fire with his book, and she was now over halfway through the pile of books. She had filled several rolls of parchment with her neat handwriting, but there were more questions than answers on the page, although she had written a list of other books she'd found references to that she would seek out later. She tapped her lips thoughtfully with a finger as she scanned down the parchment. It was so hard to find anything on horcruxes, even in books on dark magic, but surely in a library with so many dark tomes there must be something. It was only finding the right one.
Snape suddenly shut his book with a loud snap, startling Hermione from her musing. "I believe it is time for dinner. It's starting to get late and we still have much to do." Hermione put down her quill with a sigh.
"What do I do with all this?" She waved her hand over the books and parchment. She couldn't leave them out for Snape to read through.
"Leave the books, I shall put them back later. The parchment can go in the cupboard. There is a strong notice-me-not charm on it, and it is heavily warded. It will do for now."
"Um, Professor," she tried to sound nonchalant. "You don't happen to have a copy of Beedle the Bard I could borrow later?"
"Interesting reading, considering your usual material, Miss Granger. Why do you ask?"
"Oh, I was given a copy by a friend. They thought I would find it interesting since I wasn't brought up on the stories, being muggle-born, and of course much of it is very interesting as you can see how some of the stories have helped to influence the way many people view…"
"Enough, Miss Granger, I'm sorry I asked. I will find you a copy if you promise never to discuss your theories on the subject with me. Albus probably left a copy. He always was the type to children's stories." As Hermione nodded and turned away, the real one saw a tiny satisfied smirk cross her lips. Looks like Snape doesn't know that he gave his book to me. At least I didn't let on that it might be important. Sneaky, Hermione.
Snape took out his wand and conjured up two large plates of food. Hermione eyed the plates thoughtfully, then looked around the room. "I just thought of another problem. What about the house elves?"
"What of them?"
"Well it's a fair possibility that once I believe I am here against my wishes I may think of using the house elves to help me escape. Dobby, for example would probably come if I called him.
"The house elves are currently under orders to stay out of my rooms unless called."
"Why?"
For a moment he looked like he would not reply. "I wish to be… alone. Everyone here believes I am something I am not, and my own company is infinitely preferable to that of anyone else's. I spend most of my time in here, except when I have to stop the Carrows from taking their punishments too far. I am afraid if I have to see everything they are doing I will not be strong enough to stop myself from hexing them into oblivion, and then where would we be? I do not want anyone, not even the elves entering my rooms. I want… to be left…. alone." He spoke bitterly, looking disgusted with himself at the lack of action he was taking to protect the students. "I will deal with the elves, and speak to Dobby in particular and make sure they understand the situation. They are bound to obey and to keep my secrets."
Perhaps aware that he had exposed far more of his inner turmoil that intended he was silent for the rest of the meal, and Hermione copied him. When they finished he vanished the empty plates and gestured for her to make herself comfortable in one of the armchairs, while he lowered himself into the one of the opposite side of the fire. Hermione began to looks nervous again, worrying at her lips with her teeth.
"Out with it, Miss Granger."
"Professor?"
"You have been wishing to ask me something that you obviously find difficult to voice. Make your request so we can deal with it and move on."
"Oh… well, I…. just….wanted to say I'm sorry," she finished in a rush.
"For?"
"Inflicting myself on you when you wish to be alone. Making you do things you don't want to help me." She paused. "Everything you went through… you know, before. In the memories. Dumbledore… Harry…" she trailed off, obviously wanting to say more.
"I told you I do not need your pity, Miss Granger. As for your presence here, it cannot be helped now, so do not think too much on it. But I think that was not what you wanted to speak to me about. It's getting late, so ask now or not at all."
"I'm sorry, it's very personal, and embarrassing. I don't quite know how to phrase it."
"I will take whatever you say seriously, and consider it carefully, if that helps."
"A little… not that much really."
He waited silently.
"It's about….what you're going to have to do to me… to make it convincing."
Looking slightly discomfited, Snape replied, "What in particular are you referring to? The Crucia…"
"Not that." She swallowed. "The other thing… where you have to… you know… with me."
"Yes?" he replied tonelessly.
"Well, I'm… I mean… I've never… you know."
Snape was silent for a moment before, "Oh." Red spots appeared high on his cheeks.
He paused again. "I will do my best to be… as gentle as possible, the first time, but it must seem convincing."
"I didn't mean…. Sorry Professor, I feel really awkward talking to you about this from across the room. Could you….?" She waved at his chair as she stood.
Once he realised what she meant he grimaced, before hesitantly pulled out his wand to point it at his armchair. "Engorgio." The armchair lengthened, now big enough for the both of them to sit side by side.
Hermione perched on the edge of the seat and twisted towards him. Snape seemed to be pressing himself into the arm of the chair, as far away from her as he could manage, clearly uncomfortable. She placed one of her hands over his right one that lay twitching in his lap, curling her fingers around his so her fingertips were rubbing against his palm and her other hand played with the button of the long cuff that fell down partway over his hand. He shifted uncomfortably, his hand twitching as if he wanted to pull away, his left arm bent and his hand in front of his mouth, as if to hide its expression from her. He looked almost scared of what she might say next.
Oh Gods, I don't believe I'm about to ask this. How the hell did I get here…? "Please, Professor," she tried again, her voice faltering. "I don't want…
The memory suddenly ended, the torn edge of it feeling somewhat uncomfortable as it settled in her mind. Hermione reeled in shock. Merlin's balls… that was… I can't believe I did that. It was me… I chose to do it, and Snape didn't want me to. He'd tried so hard to convince her not to, but she'd been so determined, treating it like one of her pet projects. She'd not understood what she was getting herself into, not really, despite her confident words. And Snape had been so unlike her previous experience of him; almost kind, but wary, trying to do anything that would help her get through what he knew would have to happen. Perhaps that was how he could have been if he hadn't had to pretend for so many years. Or maybe he was just grateful to have someone else understand why he acted the way he did.
Incredulity began to fade as the memory and all the resulting emotions settled fully into the gap in her mind, and suddenly she wasn't sure why she had found her actions so strange a mere moment ago. The decisions she had made were her own, and they had been thought through logically at the time. Remorse set in as she remembered accusing him of forcing her into staying to save his own hide. Why didn't he say something? I've been so horrible to him… Oh Gods, and I just let him die!
She looked at the other phial in her hand. What had she been about to ask Snape at the end? Maybe it held the answers. She quickly uncapped it, using her wand once again to place the memory back in her head. The tingling feeling started again as it began to reintegrate itself, and she was pulled back into her past.
"Please, Professor," she said in a low voice. "I don't want to be a… a you-know when you first have to…" she faltered and had to take another breath. "…assault me," she murmured finally.
If she hadn't been so astounded at her own words she would have laughed had at the horrified expression on Snape's face as he finally comprehended what she meant. He hurriedly pulled his hands out of hers as his face turned even sallower than usual, except for the two patches at the top of his cheeks. He placed one on the arm of the chair beside him, and the other flat on the seat between them, as if prepared to take flight.
"Miss Granger, you cannot possibly be suggesting what I think you are." She looked down, suddenly shy and unable to look at him. "I believe you ask asking me to… not one else knows you are here, so I'm assuming you mean for me…" he trailed off.
"Yes, I'm asking you. I want you to…" she said gently, but firmly, seeing he was just as embarrassed as she. "You're going to have to do it at some point anyway, and I would prefer to do it like this."
"But… why?" he choked.
"You understand why. The next few weeks are going to be horrible, for the both of us. You are going to have to beat me and f-force yourself o-on me." Tears began to toll down her cheeks, and she struggled to continue speaking. "I am g-going to despise you and b-believe the worst of you, and all the time you will be p-p-protecting me." She brought her hands up for her eyes and covered them. "I can't pretend this is how I imagined doing it, but at least this way it is my own choice, even if tomorrow I can't remember."
"I am not sure I could…"
"Why? Why not? You will have to… do it soon anyway. Why not now?" she cried.
"Because…" he looked away, looking completely ashamed and unable to finish his sentence. "I am not sure I know how to…"
Her jaw fell open. "You mean... You've never…?"
"Don't be ridiculous. Of course I have done IT before," he snapped. "But it's always been… well, at the sort of parties I had to attend, usually where the women were less than willing, and it was expected of me…"
She laid her hand on his arm. "You had to do it to maintain your cover..?" she questioned.
"More recently, yes. Not in the beginning," he admitted. "The night I took my mark I… They had brought several smuggle women for the initiates to …"
Hermione tried not to show her horror at his words, but her hand trembled slightly. Snape hadn't seemed to notice though. He slumped in his chair. "Even then, it wasn't what I really wanted, it wasn't what I had joined for. I wanted to be somebody, I wanted…" his eyes looked up and caught hers for the first time in a while, and he stopped speaking, knowing she understood.
She said nothing, letting him continue. "Those who were willing were usually Death-Eaters or their wives, happy and willing to do anything to gain favour from someone close to the Dark Lord. Even then, there were never many. Who would want…?" He lifted his hands to gesture, but let them fall back down. "In many ways they were worse than the ones who were there against their will… the things they enjoyed. At least I could help them a little, end their suffering…" He choked up and fell silent.
Hermione put her in on his arm again and breathed, "Professor, I'm so sorry."
His face went blank as she spoke, and he stood quickly, his back to her, seemingly appalled at what he had uncharacteristically revealed about himself. "I do not require your pity," he said defensively.
"So you have said already, although it doesn't stop me from thinking you don't deserve the life you've had."
"He faced her again, one eyebrow raised. "I made my own choices, Miss Granger. I chose to follow the Dark Lord, and then I chose to turn my back on him and make amends for the things I did. No one forced me to live this way, to serve two masters. It is MY choice."
Hermione stood also. "And I have no choice. You know why I have to stay here. I have to do this, and I'm asking for you to do this one thing for me. Who knows what will happen in the next few months. Maybe this will be my only chance to... to be with someone when I chose to do so."
"Please reconsider. You cannot want to do such a thing with someone like me. You will have enough of my… attentions over the coming weeks, I am sure."
"Obviously it's not an ideal situation, but I will not change my mind. I only have to change yours. Please…"
He looked down at her, her soft imploring face, her wide brown eyes, the gentle hands on his arm. He opened his mouth to reply, and for a moment she though that would refuse her again, but instead he said tensely, "As you wish."
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Memories of Deception