You Will Not Kiss Me | By : Prosperosdaughter Category: Harry Potter > Slash - Male/Male > Snape/Remus Views: 22836 -:- Recommendations : 0 -:- Currently Reading : 2 |
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Chapter 97: Sanctity of the Soul
Snape looked at Dumbledore, revulsion and horror etched on his face.
"I said, you must leave Remus, Severus."
"I heard you."
"Your obsession with him clouds your judgement …"
"My obsession?" Snape whispered dangerously. "The man bonded I with – an obsession? Perhaps … perhaps, Albus, this type of love is only welcome to you when it serves your purposes – your 'greater good'!" he seethed, speaking quickly and vehemently. "How can you say it clouds my judgement? We have done everything you have asked of us. Everything! We have denied you nothing! My safety?" Snape gestured with a sarcastic flourish, " – at your feet! Remus's safety – you have trespassed on it a thousand times! We have given you everything you have asked – no! demanded of us! And now you want our very souls?"
"Severus. Severus," Dumbledore said, urgently, his unblemished hand clenched for emphasis. "Listen to yourself. You are not thinking with a clear head. This is exactly what I mean. How can you possibly work towards your fulfilling your Vow if all you will think about now is how you get to spend time with Remus? Now that it will be nigh on impossible for you to do so without risking his and your safety, you will spend your time and energy on that and not on the tasks you need to fulfil if we are to rid the world of this great evil."
"If you remove the Jinx then we do not have any more of a problem then we had before," Snape said, his anger mounting.
"Voldemort will know if I remove it, then he will either replace it and his scrutiny of you will be ever more intense, or Bellatrix will continue following you – and one day, one of them will catch you out!" Dumbledore had a snatching gesture, making Snape flinch. "It is just too dangerous now, Severus – for both of you."
As much as Snape struggled to think of a way around Dumbledore's scenarios, he could not see it. Ever greater panic rose inside him, like a core of heat in his chest, threatening to burst out of his ribs with each breath that tore from him.
"Must I give up everything I love, Albus? He is all I want. Just him. I have done everything you asked …"
"And your vow to Lily is nothing," Dumbledore said softly – devastatingly.
"That's untrue," whispered Snape, the accusation stinging like a whip.
"You cannot fulfil your vow to Lily when all you think about is Remus. You gave me your vow Severus. 'Anything.'" Dumbledore sat back in his chair, with an air of finality. "I am asking for this."
If Dumbledore made it a condition of his Vow, Snape had no choice. Snape tasted the bile rise up in his throat.
"Albus, no ... I beg you, do not ask it of me," pleaded Snape.
"It is the only way."
Snape's head hung in misery as he stared at his clenched fists in his lap, the room silent but for the clicking of the phoenix.
"Why don't you Obliviate me then and be done with it!" Snape hissed. "Then you will have me as I was before: empty and alone! Your perfect puppet!"
"Your existence is so wrapped up in Remus, to do so would be to risk the integrity of your Occlumency. You would become worthless as a spy."
He had considered it then! Snape wondered when – how long ago this had been running through Dumbledore's mind. Hateful, foul old man.
"No." Snape's voice was no more than a puff of air. He shook his head slowly and repeated the denial. "You are telling me that I may never be with Remus properly whilst the Dark Lord lives. How do you expect either of us to live without each other? You understand the nature of the bond we have, what separation means for both of us ..."
It pained Snape to have to even refer to the magical and physical links that bound them inextricably to each other. These were not unwelcome fetters to Snape - they were bonds they had freely undertaken to enmesh themselves physically and emotionally together for their natural lifetimes – their souls bonded together forever. To remind Dumbledore of it felt to Snape as if he sullied those intimate bindings they had worked so diligently to forge.
"I understand all too well, Severus." Dumbledore smiled, almost paternally. Snape did not trust the smile this morning. "I provided for it." Snape's brow furrowed with confusion. Dumbledore sat forward and continued. "Those are Ancient Greek male bonding circlets. Both men may take wives to breed children: it is part and parcel of their design. It does not break the Bond. With Nymphadora Tonks, Remus would be cared for; never on his own again. That is what you want isn't it ... Remus to be safe and cared for?"
A low moan of misery escaped from Snape's throat as the heat of fury and freezing terror both possessed his whole body. He felt his jaw tremble with barely suppressed rage.
"It was all a trick, wasn't it?" he hissed. "To get Remus to rely on her, not me? You planned this as soon as I confessed our weakness. You saw it! You exploited it!"
"No, I merely assisted you both with a solution to your problem then. The same solution is open to you now."
"That woman does not love Remus! She loves another – a dead man! And Remus doesn't love her. What kind of men do you take us for? What are you condemning us to? Your solution has become nothing but a further curse on the three of us!" Snape snarled. "Perhaps, I shall not assist you in this ... this great endeavour after all!" Snape gesticulated as he spluttered.
Dumbledore regarded him mildly, no more perturbed by Snape's rage than he would have been by a child's tantrum. He waited, just a few moments until Snape, his breathing harsh and his knuckles whitened in fists, was discomfited by his unwavering gaze. Then, his voice hardened, Dumbledore continued, his demeanour brooking no dissent.
"You have sworn to me, Severus. To the memory of your friend. Perhaps I should tell Remus of your vow. Of why you need redemption. How it was you who told Voldemort of the Prophecy."
"I shall tell him myself. He will forgive me. He will understand," Snape said, his voice thickening as his skin crawled with shame.
"Will he?" Dumbledore regarded Snape over his glasses, that look of pity now returning to his face. "Will a man like Remus understand that you were prepared to sacrifice the life of a baby and his father to save your friend for yourself? How would Remus feel about you then?"
The threat took Snape's breath away. How could Dumbledore unerringly find that secret, that one terrible secret Snape had wanted to take to his grave unspoken?
Snape felt as if the air had been sucked from his lungs. He could never bear Lupin to know that thing – that one thing that would show Lupin how unworthy his Bondsman was. Snape's rage washed away.
Dumbledore had everything: Snape's Vow and Snape's secret. Snape had nothing to bargain with. He was helpless. Hopeless.
He could muster nothing more than whisper. "So I must lose everything? I can keep nothing that is special to me?"
"You get to keep Remus alive in the world. Your way, you will both surely die."
Snape's head swam; all his certainties bled away. If Lupin died then Snape had nothing to live for.
Better Lupin alive in the world.
"Remus ..." Snape croaked and then coughed, finding his voice deserting him. "Remus will not let me go."
"You are the greatest dissembler I know. You fool your master at every meeting. You are telling me you cannot lie to Remus? That you cannot walk away from the danger you pose to him?"
Snape's black eyes, glistening with tears of heartbreak, tore themselves from Dumbledore.
"One day you'll push too far and I will break."
He stood unsteadily and then turned to leave.
"I need some air," he gasped, and fled from Dumbledore's office.
He could have used the Floo to get to the infirmary quickly, but he had not lied – he needed air. He felt as if his airways had shrunk and he could never breathe easily whilst he remained in Dumbledore's presence.
He sped down the stairs, and then stairway after stairway until he reached the nearest open-air quadrangle. He leant heavily against one of the ancient pillars, his breath rasping, clawing at his own collar, as if loosening it would somehow help.
He had to master himself before he saw Lupin. He could not go to him rank with the stench of terror and hopelessness. The smell would invade Lupin's senses, he knew. Even if magically unconscious, Snape could not have the stench pervade Lupin's senses, wending its way insidiously into his dreams.
Snape inhaled the crisp Scottish morning air. Yesterday morning, he had smelt spring in the air of London and made love tenderly to his husband; today, the spring air was acrid in his nose, his stomach roiled with Dumbledore's demand to leave the man he loved beyond all else.
He had promised Dumbledore anything – he couldn't deny it. But back then, he had had nothing like Lupin to lose when he had made that promise – he had not known there would be something so very precious to him, dearer than his very life and soul.
His body was calmer as he desperately tried to master himself, and he looked through one of the archways across the Black Lake, where the sun was rising, dappling on the water. He needed to be out of sight before the students began to stir. He pushed himself away from the pillar and walked carefully, slowly at first and, when he felt his breath was regular and his mind carefully Occluded, he began to walk more purposefully until he gained the doors of the infirmary.
"Oh Severus!" called Poppy. She came bustling towards him, and with no ceremony began to cast over him, even as he continued to walk towards the side ward where he knew Lupin would be, oblivious to all else. "Stand still, boy!" she snapped.
Snape blinked in numb shock at Poppy, and she smiled gently at him.
"Let me check you over before you go to him."
"I want to ..." his voice was hoarse.
"I know, dear. Just let me check you. You look unwell." Her eyes never left his. "Come along now. It will only take a couple of minutes."
He nodded blindly, and let her cast, but his eyes were drawn back to the door of the side ward once more.
Vital seconds, he thought to himself. I could be missing vital seconds with him.
"Albus gave you post-Legilimency Potion, yes?"
Snape nodded mutely.
"Will you take a Calming Draught? Your pulse is much too fast. You need to rest."
Snape looked back at her, his black eyes deep and stricken.
"No," he murmured. "Please ... let me go now."
If Poppy had been inclined to argue, she didn't show it.
"Come on then, dear," she said, brushing down her apron as she bustled to the side ward and opened the door for him. "He'll be unconscious for at least the next twelve hours whilst his body gets over the worst of his blood loss and Apparition." She caught the tips of Snape's fingers and gave them a small squeeze. "You saved his life, Severus."
Snape's eyes flicked to meet her kind, concerned gaze. He could only nod: to speak would be to betray the complete devastation he was feeling.
"I've made provision for you to stay. Albus will see to your students today. You won't be disturbed – except by me, of course." She dropped his hand. "I'll leave you then." And she was gone.
Snape stood at the doorway to the side ward and sagged against the frame as he saw Lupin for the first time, looking for all the world as if he slept. Poppy's provision was that the bed was wide enough to accommodate them both. Snape would have been touched, but he couldn't feel anything other than the pain in his heart. His ribs hurt as he tried to suppress the pain as he looked at Lupin's face, calm in unconsciousness.
In the eerie silence of the break of day, the noise of Snape's robes rustling as he sat on the bed seemed extraordinarily loud. He threw off his robe and boots and, in just his shirt and trousers, leaned over and stroked Lupin's hair away from his face. As he drew his legs up and laid himself on his side, next to Lupin, facing him, draping one arm over Lupin's chest, he exhaled heavily.
He would never tire of looking at that beloved face. How could Dumbledore ask it of him? How could he do it to himself – deny himself what had been his life for the past four years? Every breath he took hurt. He placed his hand over Lupin's heart and closed his own eyes to try to regulate his heart beat with Lupin's steady pace as he thought.
He had given Dumbledore his deepest oath – a geas – that he would do anything Dumbledore required. It was deep magic. It simply wasn't possible for him to break it without losing his soul – the soul he had bonded to Lupin's.
He would damn his own soul in a heartbeat to be with Lupin but if he broke the geas to stay with Lupin, he condemned both their souls in perpetuity. He had no right to condemn Lupin's gentle soul. Snape couldn't see how he could escape Dumbledore's cruel requirement without damning his beloved.
The realisation made his heart seize painfully. He gazed at Lupin's face intently as he drew a gentle finger along the bridge of Lupin's nose and across the Cupid's bow of his full lips as if imprinting the look and feel of these features in his brain. He moved closer so his body just touched Lupin's arm. He traced the tips of his fingers with a touch as soft as gossamer over Lupin's cheekbone. Had there ever been anyone so beautiful?
Once, you thought Lily was this beautiful, his mind supplied. You gave that vow to redeem your tainted soul. It was true. He still bore that responsibility like a weight. The stain on his soul that could only besmirch his Bond if he ran from it.
His throat became full. Tears burnt his eyes. He tried to fight them, fight back the sobs that threatened to burst from him. Lupin mustn't feel this in his sleep. He bit his lip and breathed in and out deeply, his hand leaving Lupin's chest to hold his shoulder instead as he pressed his face into Lupin's arm, savouring the feel of his skin, inhaling Lupin's scent to try to calm himself.
He didn't know if he was strong enough to do it. He could no more run from his vow to Dumbledore than run from his Dark Mark. Running from either would see him dead or losing his soul; running from either could see the destruction of the man he loved.
He lightly kissed Lupin's upper arm where the bonding circlet sat and then rested his forehead against it, as if he could somehow draw strength from it to do what he must: he had to distance himself from Lupin.
Snape had sworn to keep Lupin safe.
But Snape would not – could not – leave Lupin to his curse. Lupin must have love and companionship. And Snape knew where to find it for him. It would break his heart to do it, but he would not have Lupin believe himself to be alone. Snape himself would arrange matters with Tonks.
He inhaled Lupin's scent once more.
Finally – this was how far he had come. He had been selfish with Lily – he had wanted her to himself and so had endangered her. He would give anything to be with Lupin but not at the cost of his beloved's life and soul.
Snape was selfish no more.
He ignored the tears that ran freely down his face, and kissed Lupin's arm softly again and held it desperately. He ached to sleep in Lupin's arms, nightmares held at bay by just his husband's presence alone. His breath hitched in misery. Not to have Lupin at all! How would he have the strength to carry on? Part of him wished Dumbledore could Obliviate them both: it would be kinder.
As much as his mind raced, his body ached for sleep to strengthen and repair it. The imperceptible tremble of it began to increase until he shook as if freezing and a clammy sweat broke across his skin. His breath began to hitch again as he gasped for air.
Poppy's Monitoring Charm must have alerted her as she rushed into the room within seconds and raced, not to Lupin, but to Snape. She clasped his wrist for his pulse and then cast to check him physically, finally checking his eyes. She Conjured another blanket and wrapped it over him, then spelled away his own damp clothes from underneath the blanket.
"Severus," Poppy chided. "You're in shock. You must rest."
He could barely comprehend what she was saying as he seemed to swim in and out of consciousness, but he knew he couldn't leave Lupin. He grasped his arm tighter even as she moved him onto his back and elevated his legs.
"All right, all right!" she soothed. "I won't separate you."
Then she placed some Hydrating Gel on his tongue which dissolved, leaving a pleasant liquid trickling around his parched mouth and coating his hoarse throat, easing his breathing.
"I don't know what your blessed master has done to you this time, Severus, really I don't," she muttered as she checked him again. "I suppose whatever it was on top of Remus being so badly hurt was the last straw, eh?" She placed a cool hand on his brow. "Please let me give you some Calming Draught or some Dreamless Sleep. Remus won't wake for hours yet. I promise it'll wear off before he wakes." Poppy smoothed Snape's hair as she spoke. "You must rest too or you're no good to anyone."
Snape's tormented black eyes found hers. She smiled reassuringly at him.
Sleep. Oblivion. He longed for it. His hand tightened around Lupin's arm once more. Still with him. Still there. But if he slept, he knew there would be nightmares. The trembling was decreasing as the gel rehydrated him and eased his breathing. How many more times would he be able to sleep with Lupin? Rest in the crook of his shoulder, wanted and loved?
"Dreamless Sleep," he managed to gasp. "Not too much. Please." His eyes implored her. The softness in her usually business-like expression showed she understood.
"Not too much, I promise you."
She spelled the potion into him, and he turned his face to nestle into Lupin's skin and let the potion take his abused senses away.
oooOOOooo
"I don't care, Albus. I said no, and no is what I mean. No, I will not bring him round. Now you shoo and be about your own business and let me be about mine ..."
Poppy's brisk voice faded from his consciousness once more.
oooOOOooo
Snape's eyes fluttered open and he took his time to focus on his surroundings. The sunlight was so weak, he wondered if was still dawn and he hadn't slept at all. His head was buried in the crook of Lupin's shoulder and he was about to move quietly away when he realised Lupin's arm encircled him and Lupin's other hand rested on Snape's arm that held Lupin's chest. Then he felt Lupin's hand squeeze his shoulder.
"Severus," Lupin whispered, his voice ragged and weak.
Snape's head snapped up to see Lupin, still pale, smiling weakly at him.
"Poppy said ... she said ..." Snape sat up as he looked around, confused. "What time is it?"
"The sun's just setting," said Lupin, his eyes searching Snape's face. He had slept the whole day! He had no idea Poppy had given him so much potion.
"I wanted to be here for you." Snape stroked Lupin's face and Lupin turned to kiss his hand.
"You are here," smiled Lupin. "I couldn't ask for anything more than to wake with you by my side."
Snape felt the sorrow and sickness wash over him again. He had wanted time to collect his thoughts to find a way to tell Lupin ... a way that Lupin would understand ... that they had to part.
"Poppy thought you'd be awake by the time I came round. She said you were exhausted. I told her to let you sleep," said Lupin, watching Snape's face. "What's the matter, Severus?" he asked, undoubtedly sensing and smelling Snape's strong emotions. Snape kissed Lupin's lips gently.
"What's the matter?" Snape repeated, gently. "You could have died, that's what," he whispered as he closed his eyes against the memory of Lupin, bloody and broken, on their carpet.
"You saved me. Albus's Charm worked, and you saved me."
Snape nodded. "What happened? Do you remember?"
"I was in the library, in the Arcane Stacks – I lost track of time, I was so immersed in what I found. When I left, it was later than usual and I was rushing to get back to you." Lupin gulped. "I should have had my wits about me. Suddenly three werewolves had me cornered and went for me." Lupin squeezed Snape again. "They were on me with knives instantly. It was all I could do to grasp my belt and remember the incantation. Without that Charm and you there to care for me, I'd be dead now, I'm sure." He reached out to hold Snape close to him once more.
Even as Snape listened to Lupin's halting, breathless speech, it struck him forcefully how this was true – Dumbledore had worked the Charm that saved Lupin's life. Without that Charm, there was no way Lupin could have survived the attack. The dichotomy of Dumbledore's actions and motives hurt his head to think about.
It was at that moment that there was a rap at the door. Lupin released his hold and Snape moved away, still shaken, and Poppy came into the room, Levitating a tray of Potions and food before her.
"Good to see you awake now, Severus." She smiled briefly as she set down her tray and moved around to Lupin. "Up you get, Remus." She placed her arm around Lupin's shoulders and helped him to sit up. She cast over him, took his pulse and then measured out potions for him.
"Lovely healing work, Severus," she said as she worked. "Only one application of Dittany needed." Lupin swallowed the Blood Replenishing Potion and Internal Injury Potion and then Poppy plumped the pillows behind him. Snape was pretty sure he heard her say 'good boy' under her breath. As he grabbed the cover to pull it around himself, he realised he was in a hospital gown.
"Did you ... did you put this on me?" he asked Poppy, a flush rising up his neck, as he realised he had been completely oblivious to her dressing him.
"Of course I did." Poppy raised an eyebrow seeing his blush. "For heaven's sake, Severus. How often have I tended you?" She marched around to him and took his pulse also. "You slept much longer than the Potion I gave you. You were clearly desperate for sleep. Well, I'm not surprised after the shock of Remus's injuries and then having to go to that ... that monster!" she blustered.
Snape felt Lupin start next to him. This wasn't the way Snape had wanted to start the discussion with Lupin, even to tell him that the Fidelius was broken.
"How long will Remus have to take bed rest, Poppy?" asked Snape, quickly, keen to postpone the conversation as long as possible.
"Oh, I think he should stay at least a week. And we need to decide how much bed rest you need too, no matter what Albus says."
"Albus? Has he been?" Snape stomach roiled. Didn't he vaguely recall that Dumbledore had wanted him woken? Did Dumbledore want the job done so very quickly? Could he not at least wait until Lupin was fully recovered?
"He wanted to know how you are. He's been very anxious since I told him how sick you'd been." Poppy placed trays over each of them, with soup and bread and glasses of water.
"As am I," said Lupin, quietly, placing his hand over Snape's. Snape knew Lupin would be looking at him, wanting to know if he'd been injured by the Dark Lord. How could Snape ever tell him the greatest injury was yet to come and would happen at the hands of his father figure and confessor?
"I'm ... I'm fine," he said, turning to Lupin once more and holding his gaze.
There's something you're not telling me, Lupin thought to him, his concern evident in his blue eyes.
It will wait, Snape responded.
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