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Cease and Desist	By : ladyofarundel Category: Harry Potter > General > General Views: 3718 -:- Recommendations : 0 -:- Currently Reading : 0
Disclaimer: I do not own Harry Potter, nor any of the characters from the books or movies. I do not make any money from the writing of this story.

Chapter List
- 1-Cease and Desist
- 1
Title: Cease and Desist (for lack of a better title)
Author: Lady of Arundel
Email: ladyofarundel@yahoo.com
Rating: NC-17 - okay, so it's really a soft R, but labelabeling it NC-17 out of principle.
Warnings: Slash.
Disclaimer: Like the lawyers of Theodore Goddard will tell you, Harry Potter and his universe belong to JK Rowling.
Notes: A somewhat lame attempt at being funny, inspired by both the Restricted Section's Cease and Desist letter, one of the quotes recently released from Book 5 (the first two lines), and the wonderful snapeslash list. This originally was going to be a two-liner flip response to an email on the snapeslash list ( desev's comment "Now there's a titbit for fanfic writers everywhere!") that got out of hand. I apologize profusely for the following, unless you find it amusing. :-)
This is a one-shot, although I do have several (snapeslash-erific) ideas rattling around if anyone would like me to continue.
Summary: Dumbledore at last tells Harry of his destiny, or, what the lawyers of Theodore Goddard don't want you to know.
Dedication: To Harry Potter NC-17 writers everywhere.
Dumbledore lowered his hands and surveyed Harry through his half-moon glasses.
"It is time," he said, "for me to tell you what I should have told you five years ago, Harry. Please sit down. I am going to tell you everything."
Harry uneasily sat, fingers twisting at the hem of his robe. Dumbledore paused a moment, as if searching for where to begin.
"The other professors agreed with me that it would be best to wait until you were older. Well, except for Professor Snape. He demanded that you be told immediately, that by having been raised by muggles you were already well behind your classmates, and that holding off on your training would be a precious waste of time. Wanted to train you himself—" Dumbledore muttered something about Death Eaters and catamites (what was a catamite, Harry wondered) before clearing his throat.
"Your godfather naturally disagreed, and went so far as to hire legal counsel in an attempt to prevent us from ever telling you what I am about to tell you now, threatening us with cease and desist letters. Fortunately, muggle legal suits have no bearing in the wizarding world."
"Sir," Harry interrupted, thoroughly confused at the Headmaster's nervous babbling. "What are you trying to tell...?"
"Ahem, yes. Right. You see, young Harry, I'm afraid I have not been completely honest with you--"
"No shit," muttered Harry under his breath. Dumbledore continued on as if uninterrupted.
"--about your connection to the man once known as Tom Riddle. Oh, yes, he indeed is the evilest, most vile Dark Lord the world has seen in some one hundred years. But you see, being the Dark Lord is only Tom Riddle's night...well, perhaps more appropriately, his day job."
"Being the Dark Lord is his day job?!"
"Well, yes. Have you ever wondered, Harry, why Tom Riddle adopted the name 'Lord Voldmort'?"
"Uh, no, actually. He told me back in second year. Said that he didn't like using his father's muggle name. Plus, Lord Voldemort sounds much more impressive than Tom Riddle."
"Well, yes, that's very true. However, Tom Riddle adopted the name 'Lord Voldemort' long before his pursuit of world domination." Dumbledore paused dramatically. "You see, "Lord Voldemort' is actually his porn star name."
"WHAT?!?" Harry screeched, blushing furiously. Dumbledore lifted his hands in a pacifying gesture.
"Yes, yes, I know, that name is very over the top, certainly be today's standards, but Tom was never one for subtlety, and you have to remember it was the 1970s and early 1980s, the era of drugs, glam, and punk —or, well, would have been, until you came along. Tom always was a little ahead of his time."
Since when did Dumbledore refer to Voldemort as "Tom'?
"Lord Voldemort. A porn star."
"Indeed! The most successful and prolific male whore in Britain." The Headmaster confirmed cheerfully. "An interesting little aside: the tradition not to speak Voldemort's name came into use well before Tom entertained any thoughts of Dark Magic. Adults used to use "You-Know-Who' instead of "Voldemort' around the innocent ears of children. Came in handy later when he became the Dark Lord since after a time many people actually didn't know who was You-Know-Who."
Harry simply stared at Dumbledore, slack jawed. Suddenly Ron's horror at the mere mention of "Voldemort" made even more sense. Ron *was* a bit of a prude.
"As I'm sure you can remember from your encounter in the Chamber of Secrets, Tom Riddle was a very attractive and powerful man - there was always something about him that simply drew others to him like a moth to a flame."
"The Imperius Curse?" Harry asked innocently.
"No, dear boy. Sex appeal. Gay sex appeal."
Harry blanched.
"Back in his Hogwarts days he was known as the Slytherin Sex God, a title since inherited by Profess - er, nevermind. I knew he had the talent and promise at once, and when Tom turned sixteen I became his agent. You probably don't know this, young Harry, but I'm one of the greatest agents of all time. A PR wiz, if you will." Dumbledore's blue eyes twinkled as Harry stifled a groan at the bad joke. "We were an amazing team, and before he even graduated from this fine school he was well on his way to stardom..."
Dumbledore had trailed off at this point, staring dreamily into the distance, mumbling something along the lines of "Head Boy, indeed" under his breath. Harry fidgeted.
"Um, sir?" Dumbledore blinked, and smiled sweetly.
"Right, sorry about that. Sadly, our partnership was not to last. Tom, as you know, took on a great interest in the Dark Arts. This, of course, was a breach of his contract, and so I was forced to let him go. Tom, calculating Slytherin that he was, soon devised a way to cash in on his - special, and considerable, talents on his own. He quickly established a gay sex empire - a dress rehearsal, if you please, for his future efforts concerning the Dark Arts."
"A - gay sex empire, sir?"
"Death, Inc."
"Why would he name a porn corporation after death? Isn't that a little morbid?" Dumbledore chuckled.
"Oh no, not that kind of death. Tom was the best at what he did, and proud of it. It's a reference to when someone loses consciousness after very intense—" Harry was staring at him blankly. "Ahem, I'll explain about that later. His groupies, of course, were nicknamed—"
"The Death Eaters? Why "Eaters? " Harry asked weakly.
"I've been told there was quite a lot of heavy alcohol and drug consumption in those circles, not to mention the consumption of certain - well, I'll explain that later as well. "Death Eaters' also rolls off the tongue more easily than "Death Harem.' It was coincidentally during this period that Tom also took an interest in tattoos."
Harem? Professor Snape, Lucius Malfoy - Wormtail?! Eww!
"Yes, Tom Riddle, under the moniker of Lord Voldemort, became the greatest gay porn star of the age, producing everything from films to novels to those cute muggle pens with the figures that strip when you tip them." Dumbledore began to rummage through his desk drawers. "In fact, I think I might still have—"
"No!" Harry leapt to his feet, arms waving. "No, that's quite alright sir!"
"Ah, very well. Now, where was I?"
"Lord Voldemort's gay sex empire. But, sir, why are you telling me all this, and what does it have to do with Voldemort wanting to kill me?"
"Why, because of your destiny, my dear boy!"
"My destiny?"
"I told you back when Sybill had her second vision that Professor Trelawny has made one other correct prophesy since her coming to Hogwarts. That prophesy, in seven installments, foresaw your entire life and fate."
"May I read it?" Dumbledore snatched the scroll and stuffed it in a drawer, locking it with a muttered charm.
"Erm, no. Not until you're above the age of consent. Your godfather's lawyers would have a hissy fit."
"Oh." Harry supposed he should keep his frequent late night visits to the restricted section of the Restricted Section to himself, then.
"The censored version of the prophesy my child is this: the lion heir, bearing a lightening bolt scar, will ultimately vanquish Lord Voldemort and the Death Eaters and save the world from the Dark Arts. That is your fate! Voldemort knew that *you* would be the only one with enough prowess and skill to defeat him, and so he tried to kill you while you were still an infant."
"Well, I kinda already figured that, sir. But does the prophesy say how to defeat him?"
"Of course! It's all quite logical. You shall shag your way towards becoming the most popular sex star and easiest lay in history, thereby dethroning Lord Voldemort, plunging Death Inc. into bankruptcy as you take your rightful place as the new gay pornstar king of the wizarding world."
"B-but - but - but I'm not even gay!" Harry squeaked.
"."
"Okay, so I'm gay. I literally grew up in the closet, what do you want from me?"
"I want you to join the Order of the Phoenix."
"The Order of what?"
"The Order of the Phoenix. That's the name of my talent agency. We would like to represent you."
"Represent me? We?"
"Well you don't expect to learn how to out shag and out hex Lord Voldemort on your own, do you? Voldemort does still want you dead, you know, now that the prophesy has proved itself true - little did he know that he would be helping fate along by giving you that sexy lightening bolt scar himself! Voldemort is pissed off that you destroyed his original body. It's very difficult to have sex when you only exist in abstract form. Not impossible, but certainly more difficult."
And from what he saw in the graveyard, Voldemort's new body wasn't much to look at.
"As for who "we' are, we the board members and investors of "OOP," as we like to call it. Do you remember last year when I asked your godfather to gather the "old crowd"? Well, he did, and the Board met this summer and decided to offer you a contract."
"But wait, I thought Sirius was against all this."
"As an outlaw his vote didn't count. Convenient, isn't it?"
"And here I thought you were going to tell me I'm the heir of Gryffindor or something."
"Oh, you are, but this is much less of a cliché. Or, at least a more entertaining one."
"Oh."
Dumbledore pushed a scroll and a quill in front of the boy.
"Now, this is just a temporary agreement. You will sign a formal contract with OOP once you're of legal age, but this will let us start on your training in advance. Best not to mention it to Sirius."
"Why not?" Harry asked suspiciously, quickly dropping the quill.
"Well, your godfather is a bit protective of you, Harry. Sirius doesn't think you should have sex until you're at least forty-five."
"Forty-five?!"
"Originally it was 180, but Mr. Lupin took your side and you'll find he can be quite the negotiator. Now, be a good boy and sign the not-quite-legal binding document. I'd like you to return later this afternoon for tea, when we'll discuss your new schedule and outline a preliminary training plan."
Harry picked up the quill, but hesitated.
Imagine, him a great pornstar? The Boy-Who-Lived-For-Cock? Not that it sounded that bad at all, but he wasn't so sure he was the right person for the job.? He didn't even know how two guys had sex at all, and that wasn't the sort of thing he was about to ask Hermione to research for him.
It was like his eleventh birthday all over, when Hagrid told him he was a wizard, and meant to be a great one, too. Harry hadn't believed him then, either.
Harry took a steadying breath. He wasn't a Gryffindor - and not to mention a hormone-crazed teenager - for nothing.
But wait! He also wasn't an almost-Slytherin for nothing.
"Sir? What's in it for me? Aside from no longer having Voldemort constantly trying to kill me?"
Dumbledore lifted an eyebrow.
Oh, right.
Maybe he was as dense as Hermione and Professor Snape always said.
Well, it would be nice to finally get laid. Fairly frequently, it seemed. Harry bit the inside of his cheek, considering. The Headmaster cleared his throat.
"You also would not be spending your summers with the Dursleys. You will have other...accommodations."
Well then!
He hastily signed, hand slightly shaking and cheeks burning. Dumbledore beamed at him over his half-moon glasses.
"Well done! Now off to Potions with you, and I'll see you for tea!"

The End.
Unless, of course, there's interest in more. Let me know!
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Cease and Desist