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You\'re So Vain	By : Malfoypatriarch Category: Harry Potter > Slash - Male/Male Views: 2189 -:- Recommendations : 0 -:- Currently Reading : 0
Disclaimer: I do not own Harry Potter, nor any of the characters from the books or movies. I do not make any money from the writing of this story.

Chapter List
- 1-You're So Vain
- 1
You walked into the party

Like you were walking onto a yacht

Salazar. He was here. In all his glory. I couldn't help but scowl just a bit
though my body displayed quite a different reaction. This should have been a
relaxing occasion for me. The end had come for all and, much to everyone's
surprise, myself included, we had won the final battle.

Did that make a difference to you? No. You've always acted as though you've
won. From the beginning you were on no one else's side but your own. You kept
your own counsel and your own manner of being. No one interfered with you
unless you allowed them to do so. I wish I could hate you for that, for you'd
betray your own brethren if it came to that. If it would keep you safe.

I'm being bitter. I shouldn't be. Not when the party is still going on and I'm
expected to put in an appearance. This isn't my style. I'm used to being alone,
but I came here because it was needed of me. And because the masochistic side
of me yearned to see if you would attend. And if you did, just who you would be
with.

And now, here you were in all your glory. Strutting like the peacock you were.
I could feel my hands clenching into fists, my teeth grating against the other.
Same cocky little walk, same arrogant manner, same tilt of your head as you
glanced at others as though you were above them. And you are. Above them, that
is. But how I long to shove you down to their level. I would love bursting that
bubble of yours, breaking your spirit, shredding you to ribbons.

Just as you have done to me. I refrain from touching you though, this time. It
would serve no purpose and only bring attention to myself. I will not have eyes
on me because of you. You're not worth it. At least, that is what I tell
myself.

Your hat strategically dipped below one eye

Your scarf it was apricot

The years have been kind to you. You still look good, still look appropriately
haughtyill ill so very upper-class with all the mannerisms and the trappings of
a dignified aristocrat. Not even that revolting hat that resembled a dead otter
could possibly drag you down. You're too pretty, too cocky, too reeking of
menace and evil to be considered anything but a potential threat.

You've long outgrown your facade of 'just another pretty face.' And now I know
the real you and you no longer fool me. Strange how that makes me want you even
more. I can read you now, and even after what you have done to me, I still want
you. By all rights, I should be the more menacing one. I'm the one cloaked in
black with the scowl forever etched upon my face. But you, you with your
smiles, your shining eyes, your supreme confidence, everything about you shows
me up.

I should hate you, but I don't. I don't think I can.

You had one eye in the mirror

As you watched yourself gavotte

You came alone to this party and I am surprised. There's no adoring girl on
your arm, no mistress, no lover, not even your wife. Has she grown tire
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your ways? No. She has simply grown resigned of your actions. She, like myself,
has learned what you really are like, but even now, she cannot leave you. It is
impossible for her to do so. She loves you too much.

And you take advantage of that, don't you? You love to be loved and you flaunt
yourself off while always remaining true to only yourself. You love yourself most
of all, bastard that you are. All of the others cannot compare to what shines
in the mirror. I see you check yourself so many times throughout the night. You
were always like that. I wonder why you bother. You don't change. You just stay
the same.

Always so perfect. I remember a time when you used to watch yourself in the
mirror as we laid together and I took you and you moved so delightfully
underneath me while looking upwards at the mirror upon the ceiling. I didn't
want it there but you insisted and I don't like denying you anything.

I had it removn thn the day that you left me. On the day that I figured out
what you really were like. Since then, I can't stand mirrors.

And all the girls dreamed that they'd be your partner

They'd be your partner, and

Look at them all. It never fails. You go into a room and you light it ust
st
with your presence. The females go to your side. The bold ones, at least. The
shy ones stick to the sidelines and do not move, hoping that you will notice
them. Silly girls. They don't know you. I do. You won't bother with them. You
like them bold and assertive.

Perhaps that's what drew you to me. My own boldness and assertiveness. But that
is a distant memory right now. I cannot help but burn with jealousy as you
smile at one of these fluttering twits with more money than brains and think to
myself that your smile used to belong to me. Now I'm left alone with nothing
but the memories of that time, knowing that I should get over them, knowing
that I should no longer care just who gets to be with you.

But I do care and I despise it. I can hide it all underneath this veneer of
impassiveness and apathy, but I cannot disguise the longing late at night when
I miss your touch. I think I'd even be willing to have the mirror there if you
were to come back to me. But that is not going to happen. What is done, is
done.

You had me several years ago

When I was still quite naive

I was never accustomed to the feelings of love, having been denied that while I
was a child. I never knew what a loathsome, uplifting feeling it was until you
came into my life. Even then, I was still willing to push you away, or keep you
at a distance. I think I feared you a bit because you were so willing to come
close to me. Did you fear me as well? No. You were never used to rejection.
Unaccepting of it. So you pushed on.

I didn't know what to do with you, I didn't know what I could do to you. It
wasn't until later on that I realized how hard it was to live without you. You
taught me many things, you see. And I didn't know I was learning until after I
felt them being put into action.

And then you kissed me on that night. We were outside, discussing some bit of
irrelevant information to disguise the fact that all we wanted to do was spend
time with each other. This was such common a practice for us. I was always more
of the silent type, allowing you to say as you please, drng ing in the tone of
your voice and admiring the view. And then there was silence and when I glanced
at you, your lips were suddenly crushed against my own.

I drank you in hungrily, not knowwhatwhat it is I wanted until my arms were
around you and yours around me and all I could think of was you, you, and only
you. I was afraid at that point. Terrifif whf what I was feeling and you
silenced my trepidation as only you could, with comforting words and what words
could do, do, your mouth surely could.

I felt you all over that day, you consumed me and I'd like to think that I
consumed you as well. I don't see that to be the case, however. As you let me
play with your body, take you however I chose, there was still a part of you I
could never have completely. You kept this part hidden from me until the day we
parted ways.

Well, you said that we made such a pretty pair

And that you would never leave

We made each other such promises during those days. The days stretched into
weeks, the weeks into years and I promised you the world and you promised me
back yourself, which was just as, if not more than, a fitting exchange. Looking
back, I could easily say that those were the happiest times of my life. I saw
you in all your splendor. You were so easy to look at, so easy to please, and
you seemed to show off your emotions so easily.

I took pride in knowing that I could make you laugh, make you cry, make you
angry, and know just how to counter all of those emotions with pure simplicity.
You hungered for my mouth as I hungered for you. We complimented each other,
you and I. Fire and ice. Black and white. You were mine and I was yours. Though
I could never fully admit that to myself. I could never understand the true
depths of my emotions. All I knew was that everything I felt was reciprocated.

Or so you told me as we lay together at night, bodies entwined, my hand in your
hair, our fingers touching, our souls laid bare to each other. You said the
most delightful things then, telling me of my own beauty though I could never
see it for myself, stating how good I was, which was probably the only truth
you've ever told me. And so many other flattering remarks while you were still
breathing hard from our last act.

I loved you. I still do love you even though I try to hide that loathsome
truth. Those days were too good to be true and soon, It hat have blinked, they
were over.

But you gave away the things you loved

And one of them was me

You started changing. I didn't recognize it at first. I don't think I wanted
to. But you started transforming your own ideal image of yourself, started
becoming a total stranger right before my eyes. The things you used to love to
do, you stopped. What made you feel right, you ceased. You became what you
thought you had to become and for the life of me, I cannot figure out why.

Did I have a part in it? I'd hate to think that I did, but something tells me I
played some sort of a role. Did I change as well and you thought you had to
keep up? Or did this just happen on its own? Was it the world? Did society
change you? Or were you never fully yourself in the beginning?

That is the one idea that could destroy me. That you were never honest with me.
That you never bothered to give me the truth. That everything I saw in you was
merely an illusion.

No, not an illusion. It could not have been an illusion. Not with me. I would
rather think that while you were with me, you were yourself and that you
changed into this person over time. Maybe I'm just lying to myself. I'm not
sure. I can't tell. I can't tell reality from fiction anymore when it comes
down to you.

I just know that one time, we were relaxing together, huddled close, sharing a
blanket and laughing over this and that. And then the next day, you were
telling me it was over. That our love would bring about our own demise and that
you were leaving me for my sake, to protect me.

Liar. At least have the decency to tell me the real truth. You were tired of me
and wanted another. If it wasn't that, then why did I soon see you walking with
'him'? The bastard who doesn't see your potential the way I see it. I never
should have let you walk out that door on that day. I never should have let you
escape from me. But I did and now I'm paying the price for my foolishness in
falling in love with you.

I had some dreams they were clouds in my coffee

Clouds in my coffee, and

I was never able to sleep well after that day. A cold bed. Colder thoughts. I
could find another willing body if I looked hard enough, if I cared, but they
could never be a replacement for you and I didn't want a replacement for you. I
wanted you and only you. But I can't have you and I hate that. You don't know
how much I hate that. I wish I could hate you. I want to hate you.

Or, if not hate you, feel nothing towards you so as to stop this gnawing ache
deep within me. I walk around in thekneskness these days, seeing things but not
really noticing them. I feel like a shell when night approaches and look like a
zombie in the mornings. I rely upon coffee these day, no tea for me. Coffee is
the only thing strong enough to keep me awake yet I fear I'm growing immune to
it.

I sit at the table, staring into the mug of darkness and it doesn't remind me
of you. You had no darkness around you, save the black that you sometimes wore.
The deep velvet of your cloak matched the velvety richness of your voice and
you surrounded yourself in both. With an angered howl of rage, I realize that I
am thinking of you again and the coffee goes flying away, the mug spilling the
liquid onto the floor and I don't care because you are still in my thoughts.

I dream of you, of your touches, of your caresses. I dream of you and wonder if
you dream of me. Do you even bother to think back on the time we spent
together? Do you know what you did to me? Do you even care? Or do you take it
all in stride and shrug your shoulders and move on? You anger me so much and
you're not even there for me to scream at. Not that I would scream at you. If
you were here, I'd shake you. Then I would kiss you. I would make you feel
again. Crack open your shell and pry out the memories of us together.

Oh, how you would scream and I would love that your pain finally reached my
own. After that incident with the coffee, I stopped drinking it. I didn't want
to sleep because I did not want to dream of you. I wanted nothing to do with
you and now here you are, still flaunting yourself. And that brings us bao
to
the present.

Well, I hear you went up to Saratoga

And your horse naturally won

Ever since the war ended, you've been everywhere and nowhere. You take in the
sights and the sounds of different cities. You want to see it all after
escaping, a second time, unscathed and unmarked. You look as though you've
never been through a war, let alone two. You still laugh and you cry and I know
you ache at times and I know how lovely you look with the other people.

I watch you from a distance. I like keeping you close, always have. But now
it's for a different reason. Nowadays, you seem more untouchable than ever.
Harder to reach, yet so very expressive. You're more human and yet, you're more
distant than you have ever been. The war is over and you're free to get on with
your life, of course. But does that mean that whatever bonds we once had are
now well and truly severed?

You still have the luck of the devil. Or you make your own. You live day to day
with your fortune and your family and your reputation and the world parts for
you like the Red Sea. People seat you first in restaurants, catering to your
every whim. You are the light of the party, the shof tof the sun, and you seem
to think that you're God's gift to women.

Oh, but I wish I could hate you for your arrogance alone. But instead, I find
myself wanting to turn that shine upon myself, wanting to bask in your warmth
instead of seeing you giving it to someone else, someone who isn't worthy. You
were always the only one who could draw me out of my shell. I want to feel the
sun upon my face and I know that it will not happen unless you come back to me.

But you won't.

Then you flew your Lear jet up to Nova Scotia

To see the total eclipse of the sun

I want to be with you when you take off, going wherever your heart takes you. You
always did have a wayward spirit while I, I was always too busy in one place at
one time. I miss you more than you could imagine and more than I would ever
admit. But now, watching you speak to these people, watching you parade your
masks on and off, I feel as though nothing matters much anymore.

Least of all what I dare to admit to myself. These are my own thoughts, mn
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feelings. They don't matter to you. Why should they matter to me? You've done
so well without me that I feel like a moot point. I don't think you do bother
yourself with me.

You do as you please now. But I will forever be watching you and waiting for
that moment when you fall and I know I'll be there to catch you. Sometimes, I
see glimmers of your old personality, the way you used to be around me. They
are fleeting but they make this agonizing wait worthwhile. But in the end, this
is all it will be, isn't it? Waiting. Endless waiting around for you.

It needs to stop. I need it to end.

Well, you're where you should be all the time

And when you're not, you're with

Some underworld spy or the wife of a close friend

Wife of a close friend, and

You went to him. Him with the hair that's as dark as my own. Him with a temper
that is so much like my own. Him with the penchant for destruction. He who
likes to take lives. He is so much like me that you might as well be screwing
my twin! You left me for him. No more. No longer. I would kill him this time
around if need be, but now I will not allow my emotions to show.

Now is the time for practiced indifference as I know you cannot stand that.
Now, I will finally take you, pin you down, clip your wings, pluck your
feathers, do whatever it takes to make you my own and you will love me for it.
You had damn well better love me for it, after all I have done for you. After
all I have suffered for you.

Tonight, watching you dance, watching you speak, watching you flaunt your body,
your voice, your mind, it is all I can stand. I have gone through so many
different ranges of emotion. Anger, despair, sadness, but there has been no
happiness. Not for me and soon, not for you.

The time for action is at hand. I will not be shunned any longer. I will take
back what is rightfully mine and I will draw back those feelings you once had
for me. It is my place. It is your place. Who is the victor here? You or me?
It's time I claim my prize.

I call you over. "Lucius?"

Your head goes up, your eyes lock with mine and I am taken aback by the sheer
beauty that radiates from them. Metal eyes that reflect so many emotions but
show none of your own. "Yes, my Lord?" You answer back with such
deference it is hard to believe that you used to dominate over me. Yes, you
were submissive in bed, but even that was all an act. You alone held and
crushed my wayward spirit and it is time for you to repair what you have done.

It is time for you to answer for your sins, my shiny pet.

You're so vain

You probably think this song is about you

You lie there on the bed now. Bleeding. You've never looked more beautiful. I
sit upon a chair next to the bed, smoking one of my cigars. We are both naked.
The window is open a bit and a breeze makes the curtain float upwards as though
they were hands, reaching for you. They won't touch you. I won't allow them to
do so.

I must say, Lucius, you were exquisite last night. So very loud and obnoxious.
So very quiet when I finally took you. There were no mirrors for you to preen
in front of, no quiet whisperings of love, nothing except pure, raw sex that
left us both panting and moaning and grasping at the other's skin. You tore me
up as much as I tore into you. You always did like to keep things mutual.

I watch you now at daybreak. You're still asleep and I am thankful. This gives
me time to observe you better. You really haven't changed much. You still look
like a fallen, debauched angel. Especially after I got through with you. But I
can clean you off again well enough. I can make it look as though you were
never touched and you like it that way. Ever maintaining your appearance.

But you know what, Lucius? This is no longer about you. This is about me. This
is about what I want, what I need. And I need you marked. More than the brand
that sits upon your forearm. I want you marked as my own and to hell with your
own opinions. I've been taken in by you long enough. It's time for some real
reciprocation on your part. No more lies. No more half-truths. Today, tomorrow,
and forever, you will be marked as my own.

You're so vain

I'll bet you think this song is about you

Don't you?

You make quite a fuss when you realize that I'm not about to heal you
completely. I like watching you suffer now. But only in an agony that I can
give to you. I keep telling you that this isn't about you. That your feelings
don't matter, but they do. They do because I will control them. I've never tied
you down before, but I will now. I never tried to own you before, but I will
now. You've been free for so long, it's time you learned how it feels to stay
grounded.

You will stay with me now. I know I'm teetering on madness like never before,
but I don't care because now I have you.

I hear you scream again and again and it is music to my ears. You're so vain,
Lucius. Don't you realize that I need this? Don't you care about my feelings?
My pain? You will. I will make you care whether you like it or not.

Dt yot you?

You wince. You flinch. You cry. You beg. You plead. You curse. You yell. You
holler. And finally, you're all mine. Every bit of you. Every droplet of blood
you spill is mine to take. Every part of your soul is now bared to me. But you
are not broken. You can never be fully broken, can you? You can never snap in
half like so many others.

How I love that about you.

Don't you?

I wonder if this is about love or ownership. Maybe a bit of both. I hold you
now and kiss the tears off your cheek. This time, it is I who is the Master of
my thought and emotions towards you while you still have much to learn. It is
now I who whispers the soothing nothings into your ear. It is I who holds you
gently through the night. And it is I who you will turn to when you need
anything, be it sex, comfort, or even love. Yes, I can provide you with that.

I have always been able to provide you with whatever your heart desires. And
now, you will respond to me in kind.

I kiss the top of your head and start to lay you down upon the bed, but you
reach out and grab me and I fall with you once more.

Disclaimer: Rowling owns all. I only play in her playground.
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You\'re So Vain