A Summer\'s Night at the Potters\'

Title: A Summer\'s Night at the Potters\'
Author: Chibimono Akuno
Pairing(s): no specific pairing
Category: Comedy
Rating: NC-17 for innuendoes, foul language, slash, and just all around naughty boy behaviours...
Summary: Remus and Sirius spend a night with James at the Potters\' house. Oh, the conversations of teenage boys...
Warnings: Much discussion of masturbation, anal sex, foul language, homosexuality, bestiality, animal on animal sex, pornography, broomsticks, derogatory name calling, Quidditch, and more masturbation.
A/N: I wrote this as one of those spur of the moment type-deals that pop up when I\'m half asleep... I\'m sure some of you know what I mean... Anyway, I have this theory about James Potter being a horny teenager... and the reason why he and Lily married right out of Hogwarts was because of a shotgun marriage due to James knocking up poor Lily... Honestly, though, I love James to pieces. He and Harry both. This is my first Marauders fic and basically, it\'s just James, Remus, and Sirius having one of those \"Man-to-man conversations\" or whatever you want to call it. They\'re just talking smut if you ask me...


A Summer\'s Night at the Potters\'
by Chibimono Akuno


\"Prongs, your obsession with wanking is going to get you into a heaping hell of trouble one of these days,\" said Remus from his bed near the window. He watched as James walked across the room from the bathroom doorway to get to his bed.

Sirius laughed. \"Merlin, Moony! You act as if it isn\'t natural to-\"

\"Once or twice a day is fine! But four and five?\" Remus glared as he sat up.

Scratching his head, Sirius nodded. \"Well... I can do it every once in a while... but when I do, I chafe, you know... and I kinda have to save up for a few days or something...\"

\"Over-active libido,\" James finally chimed in as he crawled under the blankets of his own bed. \"Girls love it, I tell you.\"

\"So do the boys, I hear,\" Sirius chortled as he pulled his blankets over his head.

A pillow was flung at Sirius, who in turn flung the pillow at Remus. The werewolf growled and flung it back at the canine animagus. Sirius returned the growl and even barked.

\"Knock it off, the both of you, or I\'m coming over there to ram an antler up each of your arses!\" James threatened.

\"You\'d enjoy that, too, wouldn\'t you?\" Sirius cackled, not the least bit afraid of his stag friend.

\"Just as much as you would,\" Remus snickered.

Sirius snorted. \"So would you, Mr. Wandfucker.\"

\"Um, sorry, but no, that\'s Wormtail,\" Remus said with a roll of his amber eyes.

James cleared thr throat. \"I distinctly remember someone enjoying a bit of bestiality... \'Harder, Padfoot!\'\"

Thanks to the darkness of the room, no one could see the deep flush on Remus\' face. \"That was just one time...\"

\"It\'s those animalistic tendencies, you know...\" Sirius nodded knowingly.

\"Well, if you ever fancy a go with a stag, I\'m here for you, Moony,\" James said with mock sincerity. That earned him a pillow in the face.

\"Hey, ever wonder what it would be like to have a werewolf shag a stag?\" Sirius asked.

\"No, but I wonder what it would be like to shove my foot up your arse, you nitwit,\" James huffed. \"Honestly, I\'d like to stay in one piece with my bum completely in tact.\"

Remus pouted. \"I\'m not that bad, am I?\"

\"Of course not!\" James chirped sarcastically. \"You\'re only a blood thirsty werewolf. You can\'t do that much damage as you ravage through the country side...\"

\"Growl snarl,\" deadpanned Remus.

\"Besides,\" James returned to the topic Sirius started, \"aren\'t werewolves and dogs more alike? I\'d like to see Remus take you on under the full moon.\"

Sirius snorted. \"You just want something to wank to.\"

\"Until I get a new issue of Wizard Wank, I\'d like all the help I can get,\" James smirked.

Rolling his eyes again, Remus sighed. \"You just got one last week.\"

\"The best pages are stuck together...\" James pouted.

\"As much as you wank, you haven\'t perfected your aim, yet?\" Sirius scoffed. \"For shame, Prongs! You need to do something productive while you wank! Like... learn to point away from your smut filled periodicals and such...\"

Remus gave a suffering groaned. \"This coming from the one that comes in his underpants before Quidditch matches... You don\'t have a leg to hump, so you take it out on your poor broom...\"

\"I can\'t be the only one that thinks dirty thoughts about the shape of a broom stick!\" Sirius said defiantly. \"I can\'t help it that they are so phallic!\"

James raised a hand in the darkness of the room. \"I\'ll admit, sometimes I get off on thinking about someone shagging me up the bum with a broom handle.\"

\"What is this, Broom Fuckers Anonymous?\" Remus chortled.

\"You and your arse!\" Sirius pointed accusingly at James. \"It\'s always about you and putting something up someone\'s arse! That is so homo, Prongs!\"

Remus went into a fit of laughter as James tried to defend himself. \"Homo? Homo?! You have no room to call names, you... you... shirt lifter!\"

\"Nancy boy!\" countered Sirius.

\"I like girls!\" James shouted, covering his ears with his hands. \"I like girls! IlikegirlsIlikegirls!\"

\"Yeah, you like dirty girls\' magazines, too,\" Sirius shouted just as loud. \"With all those wanking studs!\"

\"So do you, pillow biter,\" James said, taking his hands away from his ears.

Remus snorted. \"Just how old are you both, anyway?\"

\"Sixteen!\" Sirius said proudly.

\"And full of hormones!\" cheered James.

\"Prongs, you have enough hormones for the whole up and coming seventh year at Hogwarts,\" Remus muttered.

Sirius guffawed. \"He wanks enough for the whole up and coming seventh year.\"

\"Hey, I do some shagging, too!\" James folded his arms across his chest.

\"Besides, someone has to make up for the wanking that Snivellus doesn\'t do!\" Remus said, howling with laughter.

Sirius barked with laughter himself. \"Oh! Two to one, I bet Snivellus wanks more than Prongs does!\"

\"Nobody wanks more than I do,\" James glared at the canine animagus.

Remus raised an eyebrow in the dark. \"That\'s really something to be proud of, Prongs. Oh, what will Evans say?\"

Picking up on the werewolf\'s sarcasm, Sirius spoke in a horrid falsetto voice. \"Oh, Jamie! How brilliant! You can wank on command! What skill!\"

\"Speaking of skill, can you wank and catch a quaffle?\" Remus asked.

\"Oh, that\'s old news, Moony,\" James smirked proudly.

\"Yeah, you should have seen the last practice of the year,\" Sirius said in exasperation. \"Had his hands down his pants the whole time, he did!\"

\"One hand!\" corrected James. \"I had to catch the quaffle still, you know.\"

\"That\'s amazing! I\'m surprised you didn\'t drop it!\" Remus said, quite appalled.

\"Sticky fingers,\" James nodded.

\"Okay, that I didn\'t need to know...\" Remus sighed.

Sirius hummed in thought. \"You know... we could build a whole Quidditch strategy around wanking... Not only would the other team underestimate us because we\'ll have one hand in our trousers the whole time, but they wouldn\'t want to touch the quaffle after we\'ve had it...\"

\"Especially the girls...\" James pointed out. \"They\'ll think it had some sort of disease or something...\"

\"Prongs,\" Sirius deadpanned, \"you are a disease.\"

\"Yes,\" agreed Remus. \"You are what happens when a person wanks too much.\"

James laughed. \"Then everyone should wank! They could all be sexy like me!\"

\"More like sexually deviant...\" Remus muttered.

\"Quiet there, Moony, or I\'ll try to aim for your eye the next circle jerk,\" James threatened.

Sirius snickered. \"This coming from the one that doesn\'t know how to aim away from his own magazines...\"

A well landed pillow hit Sirius in the face quite hard. When Remus began laughing, he received a pillow, too. Much growling, laughing, and pillow throwing occurred. Sirius and James were in the middle of the room, slamming and thwacking each other, pillows in both swinging hands, when Mr. Potter knocked at the door.

\"I think it\'s time for you all to quiet down now,\" he said, poking his head inside the dark room. James and Sirius climbed in their separate beds, and Remus settled down in his own. \"We\'ll see you all in the morning,\" Mr. Potter continued. \"Have a good night.\"

\"Good night, Mr. Potter!\" chirped Remus.

\"Yeah! Night, Dad!\" added James.

\"Sweet dreams, Mr. Potter,\" Sirius said with a sing-song tone.

Silence reigned... but only momentarily.

\"Padfoot, were you making a pass at my father?\"

\"Yeah, Prongs,\" Sirius shot back sarcastically. \"He\'s hot. Really gets me going.\"

\"He\'s old...\" Remus grimaced in the dark.

Two pillows were flung at Remus amidst laughter before the boys finally settled down for a summer night\'s rest.


~ the end ~

Special thanks to Dragon no Hime and Taibhse. I love you guys. ^_^