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To Have Not	By : MontanaDan Category: Harry Potter > Slash - Male/Male > Harry/Snape Views: 22762 -:- Recommendations : 0 -:- Currently Reading : 0
Disclaimer: I do not own Harry Potter, nor any of the characters from the books or movies. I do not make any money from the writing of this story.

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Disclaimer: The Harry Potter Universe and all it�s wonderful characters belong to JK Rowling and odd conglomerate companies. No money is being made.

To Have Not

Chapter 1 � The End

Severus flung open the door of his chambers. Who could be bothering him at this hour?

"Pomfrey finally let me out."

Every instinct, every reflex, ever fiber of his being wanted to grab the brat, touch every part of him to ensure he was whole. Kiss every inch of skin to ensure the foul taint of the Dark Lord had been stricken from Harry�s essence.

"Um, Severus?"

Alive. Whole. Smiling. Here.

This was going to kill him.

Don�t do it!

"So still alive, are you?" said Severus.

Harry flinched.

"Still the Boy-Who-Lived." He managed a sneer to go with the bitter words.

Harry considered him, frowning, then pulled a grin. "Annoying little habit I�ve developed."

Severus would have found that amusing if the words he needed to say weren�t forming in his mind.

Don�t do this. You deserve him.

Harry deserved better though, especially now. He�ll have the world to choose from. His pick of the finest wizards, the most beautiful people.

He wants you.

Only because he has had no one else. He�ll soon see how much better his choices are.

At what price?

Harry was still blinking up at him, looking confused and so innocently enticing. "So what do you want, Potter?"

That engaging tongue darted out to moisten his lips. "I wanted to - um. I wanted to-"

"Spit it out, boy," Severus growled. "I don�t have all day."

Harry blinked then his eyes drew together. "What�s the matter with you?"

Severus sighed dramatically. "I suppose congratulations are in order."

"Yes." There was the little grin. "I thought we could celebrate."

"I�m sure there is a whole menagerie of revellers for you to carouse with."

Harry frowned again, shifting his weight from foot to foot. "What-"

"Go on, Potter." Severus waved a hand toward the hall in a shooing gesture. "You�ve done your duty and I�ve done mine. You�re free now, and so am I."

"Can I come in?" he persisted, sending a glance down the empty hallway.

Severus sniffed indignantly. "Certainly not. Why would I want you to come in?"

"What�s wrong, Severus?" Harry�s tone turned pleading.

Severus persevered. "Did the last battle muddle your brain more than we thought or are you just being obtuse. I said we are free."

"I heard that but-"

"Oh." Severus rolled his eyes. "Am I to assume that because we had relations several times, you think that I might wish to continue now that I have done my duty."

Harry blinked again and his eyes narrowed. "What?"

"My job, Potter," Severus expounded, "was to ensure that you were ready to face the Dark Lord. I did that. You were emotionally and magically superior to him and you did your duty, thereby ending my responsibility."

Now Harry looked suspicious. "Are you saying that you were only with me-"

"I always told you that, Potter," Severus snapped. "I was there to help you."

Harry trembled then. "But what about the �"

"The sex?" Severus queried, managing a smirk. At Harry�s nod, he said, "That was a very pleasant bonus, was it not?"

"What about all the possessiveness?"

Severus shrugged. "Well I do not share well, Potter. I did say that too. I don�t share my toys."

"T-toys?" Harry stammered. "But you said- " He bit his lip.

"What?" Severus demanded, gathering his strength. He had really hoped this conversation would have been finished before now.

What will you do if he just leans forward and kisses you?

Severus knew it would ruin everything. Fortunately, Harry wasn�t that self-confident.

You�re the one with self-confidence issues.

"I thought-" Harry said, his voice slightly hoarse now.

"What?" Severus managed another sneer. "If you have something to say then say it." He crossed his arms. "We had a very nice affair and I took care of you like I was supposed to. I made sure you lived again. But it�s over. You can take your pathetic neediness and give it to someone else. They�ll certainly be lining up in droves now."

Harry�s voice dropped to whisper. "You know I don�t want that."

"Pull yourself together, Potter," Severus drawled. "You�re a good looking boy," he let his gaze wander down the lithe body, "and a very good fuck."

Harry flinched as if struck and his jaw dropped open.

I can�t believe you said that.

Well, he was a callous bastard. "You�ll find someone soon enough. You have the world at your feet now."

"I don�t want the world," Harry said, his voice almost gone now. "I want you."

"Grow up, Potter. This is the first relationship you�ve had. Did you expect it to last forever?"

"But it doesn�t have to end yet." There was a desperation in Harry�s voice that tore another chunk from Severus� heart. "I don�t want-"

"This isn�t about you, Potter. Everything isn�t about you."

Everything started to show on Harry�s expressive face and Severus knew he had to end this scene � now.

"S-severus-"

"I�m finished," Severus spat. "I�ve had enough. I want my life back."

Harry stared back at him. "I don�t believe you."

You taught him well.

"Didn�t you hear me, Potter? I don�t care what you believe. We�re through. I�m done with you. Have a nice life. Goodbye Potter."

Severus slammed the door as suddenly as he had opened it. From the other side he heard one choked word.

"Severus?"

Severus Snape hit his knees, doubled over, both arms clutched to his chest which felt like it was about to implode.

You are a fool.

A single tear pooled in his eye and finally made it down a sallow cheek. On top of everything else, he was a fool. Harry deserved better.

You were his reason for living.

He�ll find another.

Why are you making him?

Because Harry deserves better. Harry deserved someone who could give him everything he or she had. Severus loved him too much to hold him back.

You�re afraid. Admit it. You had him and your too afraid to hold on to him.

But Severus couldn�t hold him. Eventually, there would be others and then Severus would be hurt.

More than this? I hardly think so.

In the long run, Harry would be happier this way.

So, you�re concerned with Harry�s happiness and not your own bloody cowardice.

Just so.

Pathetic.

Severus pushed himself to his feet, steeling himself against the emptiness that surrounded him; the room full of memories of Harry, his heart full of impressions of Harry, his soul full of touches from Harry.

He moved to his desk. There were essays to grade after all.

I�ve had it with you. I�m not talking to you again.

Me neither.

******

"You summoned me, Headmaster." Severus� tone was long-suffering.

"Indeed, Severus. Please sit down." Dumbledore indicated the chair in front of his desk as he settled himself behind it.

Severus sat, waiting. Somewhat surprised by the weary look on the old man�s face, he curtailed any mocking comment.

"I�ll get right to the point," Dumbledore said.

Severus� brows shot up.

What? No candy? No vile small talk?

"What transpired between yourself and Mr. Potter last week?"

Surprised by the unexpected not to mention painful subject, Severus was unable to hide his flinch. He recovered quickly. "Nothing, Headmaster."

"Nothing?"

"No," said Severus. "After Poppy and I administered the effectual procedure, I didn�t see him again-"

"You didn�t?"

"No, I-" Severus eyed the old wizard. "Why? What�s happened?"

"Nothing," replied Dumbledore evasively. "Just that. It seems that no one, not his friends, not his family, not even the random fan, has seen Harry since he walked out of the infirmary eight days ago."

Severus found that hard to believe. He opened his mouth to re-iterate his � well his blatant lie � but the Headmaster stopped him.

"Severus," the tone was harsh and very un-Dumbledore like, "Did you think I was blind to Mr. Potter�s activities his seventh year? Do you think I was unaware of what changed him from an insecure youth to a self-confident man complete with the skills he would need to defeat the demon plaguing our world and him in particular? Do you know how happy I was that he had found someone to depend on? Someone who cared about him as much as I do? Someone to listen to him?"

"Albus-"

"Silence!" Dumbledore stood up. "I do not wish to go into the details, nor do I wish to judge. Harry � both of you � have displayed more vitality and good cheer in the passed six months than ever before. Then, the day Harry is released from his stay in the infirmary, he simply leaves and you submerge yourself back in the dungeons, closing yourself back up tighter than one of Gringott�s vaults. And don�t think I didn�t notice that you spent all of your time with him when he was unconscious, but stopped as soon as he was well enough to receive visitors."

Stunned, Severus could only blink at the diatribe and stammer. "Defeating the Dark Lord was a trial-"

"Yes, yes," Dumbledore grumbled in as much as Dumbledore could grumble. "That is as much as we could figure. But what I wish to know is, what transpired between the time Harry left the Hospital wing and Hogwarts itself."

Dumbledore crossed his arms and stared intensely down at the potions master. His expression clearly indicated he would accept no shifty diversion or futile attempt at falsehood.

So, Severus told him. When he was finished, the older man looked even older.

"That could have been the worst thing you could do, Severus," Albus said. "After years of having no one want him, hearing only that he was worthless and a freak, you thought it best to reject him?"

Severus stood bolt upright, his back ramrod straight. "I was NOT rejecting him," he sneered.

Oh no, Severus? "You can take your pathetic neediness and give it to someone else. I�m done with you."?

Severus ignored his bloody inner voice, which wasn�t supposed to be talking to him anymore anyway.

"I was setting him free," Severus insisted.

"Setting him free?" Dumbledore looked shocked and outraged at the same time. "What could you have been thinking?"

"I was thinking he is almost eighteen years old," Severus persisted. "He is the wizarding world�s most eligible bachelor. Intelligent, resourceful."

Very understated set of adjectives, Severus.

"The last thing he needs is to be saddled with his greasy, old potions master."

"You didn�t think that the decision should be his."

Hey, there�s a thought.

"His?" Severus snorted. "Our truly noble Gryffindor? He is loyal to a fault, Albus. You know that."

"So you felt it better to break his heart and make him hate you."

Severus turned his face away. "He�s young and resilient. He will get over me and get on with his life."

Albus sighed. "I fear that maybe you don�t know him as well as you think."

"Oh I do, Albus," Severus murmured. "Believe me, I do."

******

The dagger in his grip was a work of art. He had worked diligently for an hour magically crafting the butter knife into a blade anyone would be proud to yield. The silver razor-sharp blade had a lion engraved in the metal, stretched out in a fierce pose of attack. A snake coiled around the black handle, sleek and smooth around the grip, it�s head poised to strike just above the hilt.

The edge slid smoothly over the pale skin, so sharp it scarcely hurt. He watched the blood dribble until it became a steady drip then a flow. A stream ran down his arm towards his elbow and he tilted the blade for another cut. The point sank into the flesh with a small hiss from the snake.

~Stupid~

Harry blinked and pulled the knife away from his wrist. His gaze focused on the seeping wounds.

What are you doing?

Harry blinked again then shook his head, clearing his thoughts. Instinctively, he grabbed a towel off the rack and wrapped it around his wrist.

What the hell are you doing?

He looked back into the mirror. What�s he done to you? You are the Boy-Who-Lived. The-Man-Who-Killed Voldemort. You are an animagus, a powerful wizard, adept at wandless magic and even potions, not to mention damned good at Quidditch. You brought down the most evil wizard of the century. Are you going to let the greasy bastard break you? The man who holds grudges until the end of time? The man�

The man who cared.

CAR-ED! ED � PAST TENSE.

He said I was his?

For a time. You heard him. He�s grown tired of you. You could have anyone you want now. Anyone.

Yes, everyone wants a piece of the Boy-Who-Lived.

So let them want. Let them all want. Let them look.

Right. No one touches. No one gets close.

The-Boy-Who-Lived will get through this. But no one hurts Harry again.

***********

The morning mail came. Without the students, its usual flourish was diminished to a dull flutter. The delivery owls swooped down, dropping the staff�s copies of the Prophet to each subscriber.

Instantly there was a bevy of chatter among the staff. Oh for Merlin�s sake, what now?

Severus unfurled his copy only to nearly drop it. A striking wizard smiled from the 5 x 7 center on the front page with the caption below reading:

Harry Potter Emerges From Solitude.

Severus quickly scanned the article noting words like "fatigue� and �reflection.� Actual quotes from the boy � no, man � were vague and misleading.

Of course they are, you taught him well.

He had been debriefed by the Ministry, who would be releasing a statement, and full disclosure on the occurrences behind the fall of he who must not be named soon.

Severus skimmed the article.

There.

"The-Man-Who-Defeated-The-Dark-Lord will be staying with his godfather, Sirius Black (see page 9 for story), at his beach house in America while he continues to recuperate from the drain of power and heal from the aftermath. It�s rumored that he still suffers from severe headaches from the encounter and has remaining medical requirements, which need to be addressed."

Since when do the Blacks own property in America?

Severe Headaches? Medical requirements?

He probably still needs the potion I made for him.

"Mr. Potter states that he has no immediate career plans and simply wishes to �take the summer off.� He also stresses that despite long time rumors there is no special witch or wizard in his life."

Single again.

Not that he should be.

"He looks good, doesn�t he, Severus?"

"Mm, yes," Severus replied automatically, his thoughts still dwelling on �headaches� and �medical requirements.�

"Of course, we learned rather the hard way that looks could be deceiving."

Severus finally looked up to Minerva who sat beside him. "What do you mean?"

"Well he was quite the expert on glamours in the beginning of his seventh year, wasn�t he?"

Severus� usual frown got worse and he looked back at the picture, studying it intently. Eight days on his own after a week long stay half dead in the infirmary and a brutal romantic break up. Damned if he didn�t look like he just got back from a vacation overseas.

"The world believes what I want it to believe. It sees only what I want it to see."

"Are you not the Boy-Who-Lived?"

"Only when I want to be."

Oh Merlin, what was the brat doing now?

"It will be interesting to see him next week," Minerva said wistfully.

Severus� head swung up. "What?"

Minerva smiled. "His N.E.W.T.s, of course," she said. "Albus has arranged for proctors to oversee his exams." She eyed him critically. "Even you can�t deny that he deserves special consideration in this case."

Severus muttered incoherently while his insides were churning. Already he was going to have to face Harry.

Serves you right, you bastard.

It would put all his intentions and resolve to the test.

I hope, by all that is magical, that you fail miserably.

*********

"Father!" Draco shouted. "Father, come quickly."

Heart in his throat, Lucius followed the call to the study. "What is it?" he asked breathlessly.

"Hello, Lucius, my love."

Lucius spun towards the fireplace, not believing his ears. "Narcissa?"

Sure enough, his wife�s form stood inside the large flame. The Malfoy�s had a �full function floo,� which meant they could communicate without dismembering their appearance.

"Where-" Lucius quickly cut himself off. His wife would never state her whereabouts, especially to him now, no matter how safe the floo. "How are you?" he asked instead.

"I am well," she said. And she looked it. Her robes were of good quality and her hair done to perfection. "But as you might expect, I have no time for pleasantries."

"Of course," Lucius agreed. He expected no return interest from her about the welfare of him or their son. "What may we do for you?"

"There is hardly anything you can do for me now, Lucius," she replied haughtily. The bitch. "There is nothing left for me there."

"Then what do you want?"

Her chin inched up. "I will be divorcing you," she stated simply. "I have what I need with me and wish to sever all ties."

She had to do this in front of Draco. Lucius wished he could wrap his hands around her throat. All these years, he had played the role for her, and what did it get him?

"Oh?" he inquired smoothly.

"Yes, and I expect no contention."

"Well �no� is a key word here, isn�t it?" Lucius challenged. "Why would I make things easy for you?"

Narcissa sighed. "Don�t bore me with rhetoric, Lucius. I know you too well," she snapped. "I know that you already have plans to reclaim the Malfoy fortune and you will do anything to keep the Malfoy name from losing its political power."

Lucius smirked. "Perhaps."

"Precisely," she retorted. "So you hardly need me around to remind everyone of your failure to remain faithful to the Dark Lord."

Lucius blinked. Merlin, she was still enslaved by Lord Voldemort. Well she could just go down with the rest of them.

"Very well, Narcissa," Lucius said. "Have the papers drawn up."

"Excellent," she said, beaming now. She sent a glance to Draco who stood like a statue behind one of the hearth chairs. "Be well, Draco. You�ll thank me for this."

Then she was gone.

There was a resounding silence in the room for several moments until Draco cleared his throat nervously.

"Father?"

"Yes, my dragon?"

He looked away from the flames finally and met Lucius gaze. "Was she really always like that?"

Lucius nodded. "I�m afraid so."

Draco slowly shook his head and walked out of the room, looking sadder and older than he had that morning.

*********

Severus paced his private lab, the conflict of emotions rolling off him. He wasn�t even sure what he was feeling. Harry was in the castle and Severus was a nervous wreck in response to it. Never had he felt so helpless and so confined in his own dungeons.

Harry had been taking his N.E.W.T.s since this morning, it was his third day of testing, and Severus had resolved that he would not leave his rooms, no matter how much he wanted to catch a glimpse of the man who held his heart.

Minerva had been full of praise and admiration for the brat after his transfiguration exam and Flitwick was in a state of excitement over his charms work. Apparently, Harry had exceeded all boundaries in charms and spells, maintaining several simultaneously. A feat surpassed only by the Headmaster. It seemed, now that the Dark Lord was gone; Harry didn�t feel the need to hide his talents.

His inner voice, which couldn�t seem to remember it wasn�t talking to him, continued to taunt Severus about how he should be present to see and praise Harry as he showed off his powers.

Today, even as Severus paced, Harry was performing his potions N.E.W.T. The Board of Governors� appointed proctors were administering all the exams. Knowing what Severus knew now about Harry�s skills, he was sure Harry would have no problems with the test, but Severus couldn�t help but feel cheated for not being able to know immediately how Harry had done.

He was stepping passed his worktable when the cat leapt up onto its surface, mewing softly for attention. Stopping, Severus looked down on the furball, and gently laid a hand on top of her head.

She purred and pressed her head into his palm. Memories once again claimed his mind.

Cat�

~~~~~~~

Harry sat up, the bedclothes pooling in his lap. "What did you name her," Harry asked, petting her with long strokes as she settled at the foot of Severus bed to enjoy the pampering.

"Cat," Severus replied, propping his head on his palm and running his other hand down the bare skin of Harry back.

"Yeah, the cat. What did you name her?"

"I just call her Cat."

Harry looked back over his shoulder at him, a picture that reminded Severus of other things they had done in this bed not long ago. "What?"

"I caller her Cat," Severus repeated. Harry scowled and Severus rolled his eyes. "She comes when I call her," he told him smugly.

"You can�t name her that?"

Severus� brow shot up. "Why not?"

"It�s � It�s-"

His brow lifted higher.

"Well, it�s silly."

Severus snorted.

Harry scooped up the cat and turned to face him, plopping her down between them. "Can I name her?"

"Certainly not," Severus said, aghast. He reached up and pushed the fringe out of Harry�s eyes. "You will burden her with something sentimental and dull."

"Dull? Duller than �Cat�?" Harry glanced around, and, spotting a book on Severus side table, reached out and grabbed it. Put out, the cat jumped off the bed. "Anything is better than just Cat," he muttered, flipping through the book.

"You expect to find a name in there?" Severus asked doubtfully.

"I got Hedwig�s name from a book," Harry replied, stopping at one page. "Here. Asphodel is better than Cat," he announced, flipping pages again. "Wormroot is better than Cat. Oh, here�s one. Gillyweed."

"Gillyweed?"

"Yeah. I like it," he declared and turned to the cat. "Come here, Gilly."

"Oh don�t be so drama-"

But the cat leapt back onto the bed and sat down attentively.

Harry grinned widely and turned a triumphant expression to Severus. Severus dropped his head back onto the pillow with a sigh. "Gilly," he muttered with distress. A moment later said cat had pawed her way across the bed and began to lick Severus nose.

"Stop it." Severus waved it away until a thump sounded, indicating the cat had left the bed. He spared a glance at Harry and found his face distorted in his attempt to subdue his laughter. A lush bottom lip was caught tight between Harry�s teeth and his eyes were shining with mirth.

"Something amusing, Potter?" Severus snarled.

Harry�s amusement disappeared. He tossed the book to the floor and he launched himself at Severus, ending up sprawled on top, pinning Severus hands to the mattress.

"What?" Severus inquired, tugging at his wrists half-heartedly.

Smooth skin slid against his own as Harry rubbed the bottom half of his torso against him. "Naked in your bed, Sevvie," Harry reminded him.

"Impertinence," Severus growled, flipping them over with the ease of surprise. Severus leaned over him, his hips cradled between Harry�s thighs. Both of them were now quite interested in their play.

Harry struggled weakly, writhing more seductively than his experience should warrant. "What are you going to do about it?" he dared softly.

Severus let his eyes trail over his lover�s face and slowly lowered his head. He stopped just short of Harry�s face, breathing gently against Harry�s lips. "Absolutely nothing," Severus whispered then pulled away and started to get up. "I have-"

"You bastard," Harry grouched, grabbing his arm and pulling him back. Clutching Severus� head, he mashed their lips together in a rough, completely frantic kiss.

Legs quickly tightened around his waist, pulling his hips harder into Harry�s erection while Harry�s mouth continued its devouring path around Severus� jaw. Severus lifted his head, holding his fingers to Harry�s mouth when Harry leaned up to following the escaping lips.

Undaunted, Harry sucked Severus� fingers into his mouth instead, his tongue flicking across the tips. Harry�s eyes were wild and glazed as he met Severus gaze.

And still the tongue flitted against his fingers�

~~~~~~~~~

Severus abruptly pulled his hand away from Gilly�s face and her tongue lapping at his fingers.

"Stupid cat."

**********

Severus sipped his tea, listening avidly as the swirl of conversation around him concentrated on a subject that fascinated him.

Harry.

If you weren�t so stupid, you wouldn�t have to eavesdrop to find out what he was up to.

"He received a N.E.W.T. in every subject he took."

"Except Divination."

Minerva snorted over that.

"I thought he looked good. All thing considered."

"He was wearing a glamour."

"I didn�t notice."

"It was a good one."

"Have you noticed how you can almost feel his magic crackling around him now?"

"He�s not trying to hide it anymore."

"I gave him more potion. Poor dear. Awful headaches."

"He asked me for several plant clippings."

"His birthday is next week."

"I heard Sirius is throwing him a party."

"Oh, won�t that be nice."

"You�ll be going, won�t you, Headmaster?"

"Alas, I can not. It is in New York and I will not leave the country."

"Minerva?"

"I will stop by briefly on my tour. I visited the Hamptons once as a youth and I daresay it was lovely."

Hah! There you go. You know when and where.

Minerva continued her verbose descriptions of the beach community.

You could check up on him.

Why would I want to check up on him?

Because you are worried about his headaches. He may need more potions.

He�s perfectly capable of making it himself.

Maybe he�s not sleeping.

He can make a potion for that as well.

Just go and see him. You know you want to.

But Severus had succeeded in avoiding Harry the entire time he was in the castle. To go clear out of the country just to see the brat was�

Then maybe just go to return his cloak.

Severus blinked. Potter�s Invisibility Cloak�

Then again, maybe he could use a couple of days on the beach.
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To Have Not