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Barren Desires	By : FallenEmbers Category: Harry Potter > Slash - Male/Male Views: 1836 -:- Recommendations : 0 -:- Currently Reading : 0
Disclaimer: I do not own Harry Potter, nor any of the characters from the books or movies. I do not make any money from the writing of this story.

Chapter List
- 1-Barren Desires
- 1
Title: Barren Desires

Author: Fallen Embers

Rating: Strong R, NC-17

Pairing: Established JP/LE, JP/RL

E-mail: babyj97@hotmail.com

Warnings: Heavy angst, Peter bashing (in a way)

Spoilers: nothing much really
Beta: EmeraldFireSnake Love ya Jenn!
Feedback: Oh yes please! Feel free to send any comments and constructive criticism to me! I have to feed my muse or else she might turn on me.
Disclaimer: I do not own the HP universe or any of it�s characters as it all belongs to J.K. Rowling and various other companies�

Summary: Remus faces the true reality of his feelings and desires�
AN: Inspired by the song, �Creep� (acoustic) by Radiohead from the album: My Iron Lung.
I honestly don�t know where this came from. I heard this song out of the blue and I immediately thought about Remus, and how this song fit his character so well, and then the rest kinda played out in my head, and honestly I think I�m starting to fall for this pairing.

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~*~ Barren Desires ~*~
James and Lily had gotten into another fight, and it must have been one hell of a blowup since James had come back to the common room madder then hell and nursing a busted lip. Sirius had laughed his infectious laugh, slapped James on the back, and told him that he should stop trying to pressure Lily into letting him dine at the Y, earning him a death glare from an already irate James. Peter had joined in on the laughter, a little too loudly, and slapped James on his shoulder as James dejectedly plopped down onto the red velvet couch, nodding his head in agreement, a little too vigorously.
Remus had simply walked over and sat down beside James, placing a hand on his knee, giving it a light squeeze as he threw him a shy, quiet smile, saying nothing and everything at the same time, letting James know he was there if he needed him. James had replied by briefly returning his smile before turning to Sirius and telling him to �Shut the hell up or fuck off,� to which Sirius had replied by dramatically throwing himself into James� lap, crushing Remus� hand, and asking James what position he wanted Sirius to fuck him in.
James had rolled his eyes and pushed Sirius onto the cold, stone floor, smirking at the glare Sirius had given him as Sirius rubbed the arm he had landed on, playfully pouting with a mock look of hurt on his face. Cradling his throbbing hand, Remus had jealously watched as Sirius got up and squeezed in between him and James, casually throwing a leg over James� as he wrapped his arm around his shoulders, asking him what happened. Peter had obediently sat down on the floor at Sirius� and James� feet, and James had sighed as he quietly told him that it was none of his damn business, leaning back into Sirius with such comfortable ease that twisted Remus� stomach in tight, painful knots.
The pain had become too much to bear for the moment, and Remus had politely excused himself, trying to walk away quickly so he could to avoid the questions he knew would be coming his way, but before he could finish his escape, James had pinned him on the spot with his golden eyes, concern etched within their enthralling beauty. Remus had literally tore his gaze away from those beloved eyes, forcing himself to finish walking to the dormitory and throwing himself on his bed, losing himself within his thoughts.
It was times like these when Remus hated Sirius, hated them all for being so in sync with one another, for the way they all always seemed to just be exactly what each other needed when they needed it, and the way they expertly moved around each other without guidance or apprehension. They just flowed together like water, James with his cool confidence and empathic nature, Sirius with his mischievous, childlike wonder and unwavering loyalty, and Peter with his tenacious mannerisms, and unnatural obedient behavior. And Remus, despite the fact that he had been in their circle for six years now, had never found the way into the cove that hid their forbidden springs, and was doomed to circle around them for all eternity, looking for the entrance and never finding it.
Even when they had discovered his condition, training with James� insistence and under his watchful eye to become animagus so that Remus would no longer have to suffer alone during his transformations. They had become closer during that time, studying and learning together nightly all in Remus� name, all for his sake, except they had done it all without him, leaving him completely alone when they were together, even when he was in the same room with them.
And he hated them for that, especially James. It had been James who had first approached him all those years ago, offering Remus his hand of friendship, a thing that was as foreign to Remus as true acceptance. Remus could never figure out if he had done so because he sincerely wanted to, or because Remus had been the only one who had not thrown himself at James in hopes of sparking a friendship the first day they started at Hogwarts, and the only one who would not look James in the eye when he had introduced himself the night they became dorm mates, or any night after until James had reached out his hand.

When you were here before

Couldn't look you in the eye

Either way, Remus had accepted James into his lonely life, and unknowingly he had accepted Sirius and Peter as well because after only a week into living as dorm mates, they were now a major part of James� life. Because James was like a wildfire, spontaneous and free, beautiful in his unpredictability and courage, drawing everyone to him with the mesmerizing flames of his blazing aura. And everyone wanted to be close to him, even if they got burned.

You're just like an angel

Your skin makes me cry

Even Remus.
And out of everyone else who had walked through James� fire, Remus was the one who had been scorched down to his soul. Because somewhere along the way Remus had lost himself, and in his inexperience had opened up his heart completely without knowing the consequences. James had enchanted him with his vibrant personality, slowly drawing Remus out of the shell that he had cocooned himself in over the years, showing him the joy that could be found in everyday life, the beauty that could be found hidden in the world, inside the smallest grain of dirt and within every fallen leaf, just by taking the chance to live.

You float like a feather

In a beautiful world

And Remus had slowly emerged from his hardened shell, following James� blazing light, until he had finally freed himself, stepping out into the rediscovered world on wobbly legs, tripping in his wonder and falling straight into the raging fire that was James Potter, who had burned himself into every neglected inch of Remus, especially his heart. And Remus had fallen in love with the captivating enigma who called himself his friend, forgetting that such desires were beyond his reach, that in the end he would be left standing within the shattered shards of those dreams, alone and heartbroken.

I wish I was special

You're so fucking special

And James had an effect on everyone he came into contact with. He could brighten someone up with one of his brilliant smiles, and he could comfort the saddest of hearts with a small pat on the shoulder, burning away their deepest sorrows with the smallest touch of his hand. No one was immune to James, no one, and Remus found himself wanting James even more as the days past by, but in his heart he knew he longed for the impossible, because while James was everything that was good and light, Remus was his complete opposite and darker than the blackest of all evils.

But I 'm a creep

I 'm a weirdo

Inside him lived the spirit of a vicious monster, and it flowed through his veins like a poison, tainting his soul with its malicious nature. There were times when Remus would be flooded with the urge to lose himself within the wolf, to destroy all the brightness of the new world and tear apart everything that brought him joy, everything that he had come to love, just to see it bleed, to smell it�s death with the knowledge that he did it, that he was strong enough to overcome the weaknesses that his humanity craved, to prove to himself that he did not need the light, or happiness, or friends, or love.
That he did not need James.

What the hell am I doing here?

I don't belong here

But he always fought it off, he never gave in, because even if he would more than likely one day lose it all, along with his heart, he wanted it for as long as he could have it, he needed it. Because while he could never truly be apart of the bright world he had grown to love, the world he had discovered through James, he wanted to be apart of it for as long as it would have him before he was pushed back into the shadows of the world, alone as his heart wilted all over again from his loneliness and despair, who both waited patiently in the darkness for his inevitable return.

I don't care if it hurts

I want to have control

Until then, Remus was determined to live, basking in the comforting rays of the forbidden light as he continued to realize new, breathtaking wonders of the world with James, while laughing along with Sirius and his impish demeanor, as Peter chased after them all the while, awestruck with Sirius and James and their wild, spirited nature. Remus would happily follow them all, living with the dark knowledge that he would one day lose everything, that one day all he would have would be the memories he had dared to create by taking the chance to live.

I want a perfect body

I want a perfect soul

But sometimes, when they talked about their futures, Remus found himself wishing with all of his heart that he did not have to carry such a painful burden on his fragile soul, that he could be normal and live out the ordinary life that everyone else had the chance to live. James often talked about wanting to become an Auror when he left Hogwarts, and about how he would get married someday and have two or three children to carry on his name, his family traditions. To which Sirius always replied that he would become a prominent Healer and fill his house with dozens of little Blacks, more than likely from several Witches, just to ensure his legacy was carried on far into the future, family traditions be damned. And quiet Peter always talked about wanting a good, strong position in the Ministry, stating that he would wait to have kids until he had established his career.
But Remus had nothing like that to look forward to. There would be no grand career, no loving wife, no house full of children, no matter how he desired it. The only thing that awaited him in his future was loneliness and darkness, along with his painful transformations that would one day kill him from the trauma while everyone else lived out long, healthy lives, never having to feel an ounce of the pain Remus went through day by day.

I want you to notice

When I'm not around

Remus often wondered if they would miss him, if they would ever notice his absence from the light, from their lives, if they would ever stop to wonder what happened to the boy they used to call friend. More than likely he would be forgotten, like the last assignment done before they were set free into the world, but how he hoped that his absence would be noticed, wished that he was loved enough that he would be missed, that the three of them would want him to be apart of their lives in the future, that Sirius and James would insist on keeping him near so that he would be close enough to visit when they wanted, that they would actually miss him enough to visit, especially James.
That he would be loved enough to be mourned after his death.

You're so fucking special

wish I was special

And so lost in his dark thoughts he didn�t hear the light footsteps in the moonlit room drawing closer to his bed, or the curtains that enclosed his bed being opened as someone slipped inside, muttering a silencing spell as they closed them again. He didn�t even feel the shift of the mattress as another body added its weight to it as the person moved to lay down beside him. The thing that captured Remus� full attention, that drew him out of his dark world was the scent of freshly dug earth, rich and clean, mixed in the aroma of lightning charging the heavens during a rainstorm with it�s powerful essence, the scent that was uniquely James Potter.
Remus� eyes flew open, and he turned his head, coming face to face with a solemn faced James, who was lying in his bed on his side, head pillowed on one of his hands, looking at Remus through hazel, crestfallen eyes. He watched, shocked and unable to move, as James raised his free hand, pale and strong, and gently ran it down the side of his face, sighing when his fingertips ran out of skin to caress and drawing it back towards his chest, holding it there for a moment before reaching up and removing his glasses, placing them on the side table.

�You left,� he whispered, searching Remus with his eyes. �Why did you leave?�

But I'm a creep

I'm a weirdo

�I was tired,� Remus lied, trying in vain to disguise his shock at James� beloved, but unexpected presence.
�Liar,� James reprimanded, pinning Remus with knowing golden eyes. �I hate it when you hide within yourself. Don�t you trust me, Remus? Can�t you be honest with me? Have I still not earned your trust?�
Remus swallowed hard, gazing into James� saddened eyes as his heart pounded wildly within his chest. �You looked like you wanted some time with Sirius, before you left to be alone,� he confessed half -heartedly. �So I left to give you that time.�
�Is that right?� James mused. �And yet you knew Peter had stayed behind even after you left.�
�Peter always stays,� Remus sighed, challenging James to say other wise when they both knew it was the absolute truth. �It doesn�t matter if you or Sirius need some time alone, because it never occurs to him that while he hates being by himself, that everyone else needs solitude sometimes.�
�Is that why you come up here to hide when you think no one else notices? You need solitude?� James countered, his hazel eyes burning with an unknown emotion as he moved closer to Remus. �Is that why you run away from us, from me, when the weight of the world, of your heart, becomes too hard for you to bear? Because I know you hurt, Remus, I can see it, I can feel it, and it hurts me that you can�t trust anyone, not even me, enough to help you through your pain.�
Remus, wondered and completely speechless, watched with wide eyes as James moved close enough to press his body against his side, burning Remus with his body heat as he leaned over him, a despairing look on his handsome face. �Don�t you know that you�re important to us, to me, that I care about you, about how you feel?� James murmured, repeating his earlier gesture and caressing Remus� face, looking at his shocked expression and searching Remus� amber eyes for some clue as to what he was feeling.
�Don�t you know that I love you?� James breathed, his golden eyes softening to glowing embers before slowly closing as James leaned down and lightly caressed Remus� lips with his own, licking his lips to savor the sampled, sweet, honey taste that was Remus, moaning as he moved in to capture Remus� lips in a more thorough kiss, to which Remus responded with passion.

What the hell am I doing here?

I don't belong here

Remus was in heaven. He wasn�t sure just what the hell was going on, but he knew what he was feeling, he had heard James� soft spoken words, words that had spread along every inch of his body, warming everywhere they touched. He felt the fire that had licked his lips, promising purification in it�s flames, and that was all that mattered.
Remus plunged his hands into James� soft ebony hair as he opened his mouth under James� assault, moaning when James� tongue invaded his mouth, hungrily tasting every inch of his mouth as his hands roamed over Remus� body, loosening his clothes as James continued to kiss him, his passion growing with every searing touch, and with every succulent taste.
And Remus freely returned every touch, every taste, his body trembling as James began to undress him with tender, experienced hands, crying out into James� mouth when he had finished unbuttoning his blue pajama top, his fingers touching his bare skin, branding him with his blazing heat. James sighed as he slowly released the kiss, pressing his head against Remus�, his breathing hard and labored.
�W-what was that?� Remus panted, as his arms unconsciously moved to encircle James� slender waist.
�That was a kiss, Moony,� James smiled, his hazel eyes bright and sincere as he nuzzled the side of Remus� face, �a very fine one I might add, and I�ve been wanting to do that for a long time now.�
Completely disarmed by James� sincere admission, Remus smiled despite the warning in his head, feeling his heart open and fill with the forbidden hope that he had been trained from boyhood to resist. Looking into James� captivating face, his bewitching, golden eyes that were gazing down at him, burning with adoration, Remus lost himself within his fruitless desires, and stepped into James� fire with open arms, capturing James� cherry lips in another hungry kiss.
He helped James remove his unbuttoned top, throwing it towards the end of his bed, before attacking the buttons on the white buttoned down shirt James was wearing, frustrated that he lacked the skillful talent James had, finally giving up ripping it apart, hearing the buttons clatter as they landed in various places as he slid the thin material down James� built arms.
He moaned when he came into contact with James� bare, heated, porcelain skin, loving the way its smooth, silky texture burned under his hands. He sighed happily when James began to shower his face with light kisses, slowly moving along his jaw line and down his neck, stopping to suckle at his pulse point as his hands continued to explore Remus� virtuous body.
Remus was panting by the time James� hands reached the waistband of his pajama bottoms, and out of nowhere, he wondered just how far James had gotten with Lily to have such expert hands, and it was enough to throw a bucket of ice cold water onto their growing passion, freezing his heart dead in his chest.

She's running out again

She's running out

Startled, he jerked away from James, pulling himself into a sitting position as he grabbed his pillow and hugged it in front of him, feeling his heart throb with anguished sorrow. What the hell was he thinking?! How could he have let things get so out of hand?
James had immediately reacted, pulling out his wand from God knows where and illuminating the darkened atmosphere with a quick, �Lumos,� causing Remus to hide behind his pillow to hide his shame filled face.
�What�s wrong, Remus? Are you all right? Did I hurt you?� James asked, his voice shaky with concern.
�Not yet,� Remus breathed, tightening his hold on the pillow. �What the hell are you doing, James? What about Lily?�
James became somber at the mention of Lily�s name. �We�ve decided to take a break, well actually she decided we needed to take a break from each other, just to make sure that we are what we both really want, what we both really need, that we�re right for each other in every way.�
�And just because of that you decided to what, experiment, James? And you decided to try your curiosities on good ol� Remus?� Remus hissed, feeling his heart drop heavily into his stomach. �Why? Because you knew I�m untouched, that I would more than likely remain untouched because of what I am? Did you think you would be doing me a favor while you satisfied your curiosities at the same time?�
�NO!� James cried as he grabbed the arms Remus had tight around the pillow. �That�s not it at all, Remus.�
�Then what is it, James? How can you play such a cruel game with my heart by coming up here and making a false claim like loving me?�
�It�s not a lie!� James exclaimed, as he attempted to pry Remus� arms away from the pillow. �I would never lie about something like that, Moony, and you know that.�
�Then what exactly do you feel for Lily?� Remus countered, relinquishing his hold on the pillow with a dejected sigh. �What is it you feel for her if you claim to love me?�
�I-I-I love her too, Remus, I love her very much,� James softly confessed, his hazel eyes sad and abashed as he moved to entwine his fingers with Remus� now free hands.
�If you love her so much then what the hell are you doing here with me?� Remus choked, tightening his fingers around James�, trying to hold back the tears that threatened to spill over in check.

She run, run, run run

Run

�Because I love you too, Remus, I love you very much. And she knows this. In fact that�s what we fought about earlier. I, uh, accidentally said your name when I was, um, making love to her, and she - freaked,� James began, holding onto Remus� hand with everything he had.
�She told me that she always knew that I was drawn to you in more than friendship, she said she could see it in my eyes when I looked at you. Then she slapped me and told me I needed to figure out what I wanted, what I needed, that she refused to be second best, the alternate choice, and I knew she was right, and that�s what I�m doing here Remus; I�m giving into my love for you, love that�s always been there. I need to know just how deep you are embedded in my heart, because I would hate to spend the rest of my life wondering if I let a great love pass me by.�

Whatever makes you happy

Whatever you want

The tears Remus had held back quietly spilled over, cascading down his face in silent agony. �And if you find that I�m not what you need, what you truly want?� Remus breathed, both dreading and needing to know.
�Then we go back to being friends, Moony, but that doesn�t mean that I�ll ever stop loving you. All it will mean is that I�ll know, we�ll both know, that we weren�t meant to be, that our true happiness lies out of each other�s arms. So what do you say, Remus? Do you care to take a chance and find out just what we could be together?�
Remus looked deep within James� eyes, eyes that were burning with sincerity and hope, eyes that Remus had fallen in love with the first time he had looked into them. He could feel the blazing heat that was James� aura, pulsing with his vibrant light, and he remembered the whispered promise of purification in James� kiss. Remus leaned forward to answer James with a kiss, a kiss that promised absolution no matter what the outcome, because it was James, and more than anything Remus wanted to touch the fire hidden within him, more than anything, Remus wanted to find the entrance into his heart, no matter what the price.

You're so fucking special

I wish I was special

And James accepted his answer, dropping his still lit wand and enveloping Remus within his wild fire, burning through the final layers of fear and doubt, consuming his crystal heart and his fragile soul, filling him with the love and passion that James had carried within his heart the moment he had seen the lost, delicate soul that was Remus Lupin through Remus� shy, amber eyes.
Slowly, James pushed Remus back on the bed, kissing him with renewed passion as he continued to acquaint himself with his scarred, slender body. He practically tore the pants off of Remus� body as he managed to shimmy out of his own pants, moaning when his hardened arousal came into contact with Remus� bare, smooth skin.
Remus moved his hands all over James� body, softly trailing a path down his hard, muscular chest towards his heated erection. They both gasped when Remus curled his fingers around James� arousal, stroking his weeping member with slow, even strokes. James only allowed a few heated strokes before he stilled Remus� hand by grabbing his wrist, bringing both hands up to his face and placing a kiss on both of his palms before pinning them above Remus� head as he moved down to take Remus into his mouth.

But I'm a creep

I'm a weirdo

What the hell am I doing here?

Remus gasped as his erection was enveloped within the wet heat of James� mouth, and he could do nothing but gasp and whimper, thrashing his head from side to side as James sucked him deep into the liquid fire in his mouth, caressing him with slow caresses from his velvet tongue, and Remus was so lost in his ecstasy of finally opening the door that led into the very heart of James Potter that he barely felt when James momentarily pulled away, grabbing his wand and muttering a cleansing and lubrication charm.
James moaned as he returned his attention to Remus� arousal, slipping a finger into his puckered entrance and carefully thrusting it into Remus� tight heat, his passion growing with every breathless gasp and moan that slipped through Remus� silky, parted lips. James� erection twitched every time he looked up to see Remus writhing wantonly beneath him, lost within his ascending desire, and he knew that he would always love the boy he had befriended so long ago, that no matter what their future held, he would always carry the vision before him within his heart.
Remus whimpered when James added another finger, thrusting them within his heated channel as James continued to lavish his wanting member with wet kisses, torturing him into an erotic frenzy every time his slender fingers brushed against the sensitive bundle within him. Soon there were three fingers carefully moving within him, stretching him in preparation for his purification, and then it was time, they were withdrawing, and Remus� heart pounded with anticipation as James slid back up his body, placing kisses on every inch of available skin along the way.

I don't belong here

James moaned, long and full of need, as he gently pushed his weeping member into Remus� puckered entrance, leaning down to capture his parted lips in a searing kiss as he slowly slid into him, inch by heated inch, never taking his eyes off of Remus� soft amber eyes, pupils dilated in his passion. Finally James was completely sheathed within him, and he fought the urge to move within his body and allowed Remus to adjust to his invasion, kissing away the tears that slipped past his eyes.
Remus sighed when James had finally filled him completely, burning him with his fire, scalding every layer of neglect and despair from him, forcing him to let it all go, to release his heart from the steel cage in which it had been imprisoned for so many years, and because it was James, who he had trusted and wanted for so long now, Remus released it without a second thought, taking a deep breath of heated air as he walked into James� fire, into his freedom.
And it hurt, and his heart bled, but he accepted the pain, he accepted the possible consequences that came with his new found freedom, and he cried from the pain of knowing that one day he might lose it all, that his heart might be forced back into it�s cold cage, that James would be gone back into Lily�s waiting arms.
And then he felt James moving, thrusting into his body with careful love as he looked down at him with his golden eyes glowing with adoration, and Remus cried from the sheer beauty of it, and he knew that even if he lost everything one day, if he would have to watch James walk away from him, that he would know that James loved him despite it all, that James would always be there for him, that he would always take care of him and it would be worth any pain he felt later as long as he had him now and for as long as he could.
Remus gasped as James wrapped his hand around his neglected arousal, pumping in time with his thrusts, and then he leaned down and captured Remus� lips, making love to his mouth with his tongue as he made love to his body with his desire, and then he gave one final thrust, tearing away from the kiss as he threw his head back, mouth open wide in silent ecstasy as his member pulsed within Remus� body, filling him with his essence. The look of pure nirvana on his face drove Remus into his own heart stopping orgasm as he spurted his seed all over James� hand, moaning from the overwhelming pleasure that filled every cell in his body, because he had done that to James, because James loved him and that was all that mattered in the world.
James collapsed into Remus� shaky arms, and they both lay there, breathless and completely sated, listening to the furious pounding of their hearts. After some time, James slowly pulled away, reaching for his wand and casting a cleaning charm before drawing Remus into his arms and giving him one last kiss before looking deep within his eyes and saying, �I do love you, Remus, don�t you ever forget that.�
Remus had lay awake in his arms long after James had gone to sleep, marveling at the innocent expression he wore in slumber. He felt his heart swell at the sight, and for a moment he allowed himself to dream, to believe, that having a future with James was a possibility. That maybe he wouldn�t be alone, maybe he would be able to have a happy home life, maybe he would be blessed with a family, and he sighed as he gently caressed James� handsome, sleeping face with his fingertips, every blossoming dream and desire wilting and dying, their dried ashes scattering into the four winds the moment he heard the whisper that slipped past James� sweet, addicting lips as he lovingly nuzzled Remus� hand.
�Lily.�

I don't belong here.
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Barren Desires