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10 Steps to Remus	By : SylverIce2 Category: Harry Potter > Slash - Male/Male > Remus/Sirius Views: 3007 -:- Recommendations : 0 -:- Currently Reading : 0
Disclaimer: I do not own Harry Potter, nor any of the characters from the books or movies. I do not make any money from the writing of this story.

Chapter List
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Remus Apparated into James and
Lily's yard, pausing for only a second to collect himself before he threw
himself forward, thin fingers wrapping around Sirius' wrist with a strength
that surprised both men. He could see
Sirius' mouth moving, but he couldn't quite hear over the noise of Hagrid
taking off with the flying motorbike.
As the sound faded into the darkness, he began to make out what his
friend was saying.

"What the bloody hell are you
doing here, Remus?" Silver-dark
eyes glared at him, and the other man jerked his wrist away.

"Dumbledore sent me. Sirius, I'm not the spy." Amber eyes blinked furiously, trying not to
cry. "Many in the Order thought
you were."

"WHAT!? James is my OLDEST FRIEND. HOW COULD YOU PEOPLE THINK THAT OF ME?"

"How could you think it of me?" The quiet whisper broke through the other
man's raging, and they stared at one another for a long moment.

"Bollocks." Sirius ran a hand through his thick hair,
disarraying it further. "We've
made a right mess of this."

"What-" Remus' voice
cracked, and he cleared his throat.
"What's happened?"

"James and Lily are dead. Hagrid just took Harry off to
Dumbledore. Peter was the spy."

"Peter Pettigrew? Our Peter?�
Remus� voice cracked, as he focused on the betrayal instead of the
loss. �Wormtail?"

"Yes, our Peter Pettigrew. He was...we traded him in as Secret Keeper,
when I realized that I would be the first person targeted to get to James and
Lily."

"You idiots. Why didn't any of you tell me?" Remus' mouth twisted into a bitter
smile. "Oh, right. I was the spy." Sirius grabbed his shoulders, shaking him a
little.

"We don't have time for
this. We have to go after Peter."

"No. No, we don't have to go after Peter." The werewolf's hands came up to grip Sirius'
arms. "That's why Dumbledore sent
me here - to stop you from doing anything ridiculously stupid. A team of Aurors has been dispatched. I didn't realize it was for Peter, because I
left too quickly, but they're already on his trail. Sirius...Padfoot...you have to let them do their job. Come with me?"

Sirius' eyes closed, and Remus could
see the rage tremble through him. His
voice was tight, controlled, when he finally spoke. "He betrayed us. We
were all friends, Remus, and he BETRAYED us.
James is DEAD! Lily is dead. Harry was nearly killed! And you want me to let that go?"

"No. I want you to be an adult and realize that you can do more good
going to Harry." The werewolf let
his voice rise, and his friend flinched.
"Don't you think that I want revenge? I loved James and Lily too, but I'm not going to become a
murderer to prove it."

Sirius glared, his silver eyes hot
with rage. Remus stared him down, amber
eyes steady. "Damnit,
Moony." Sirius blinked rapidly,
sighing. "I hate when you're right." He reached a hand out, clasped Remus'
shoulder. "Forgive me for being a
total and complete prat?"

"I suppose." They stood together awkwardly, neither sure
how to deal with the all-too-fresh grief.
Finally, Remus shook himself.
"We should go."

"Do you know where Dumbledore
took Harry?"

"Lily's sister's house. He...wants to leave him there." Remus flinched as Sirius grabbed his arm,
fingers digging into flesh.

"Lily's sister." The hiss held poison. "She hates our kind. She'll destroy the boy. We have to stop him." Remus sighed again at the fire in his
friend's eyes. Clearly, if he couldn't
fight Peter, Sirius was going to fight something.

"Fine. Follow me." He Apparated, appearing on Privet Drive just as Dumbledore set
the baby's basket on the doorstep of Number Four. Sirius appeared at his side a moment later with a soft pop,
immediately striding towards Dumbledore.

"Dumbledore. I'll take Harry now." He plucked the baby's basket off the step,
checking to make sure the baby was still asleep.

"It would be best to leave him
with his family." Dumbledore's
voice was calm, even, not deterred at all by the angry glare that Sirius was
shooting his way.

"I'll not leave him with anyone
who won't love him. James trusted him
to me. Lily trusted James'
choice above her own family. Why should
we ignore their wishes?"

"Because there is powerful
magic in blood. Powerful
protection. And Harry will need all the
protection we can give him." Dumbledore
shook his head, glancing at Remus for help.
The werewolf was silent.

"I'll keep him safe. He needs me. I'm his godfather!"
There was a long moment of silence as the two men stared at one another,
neither willing to look away and admit defeat.

"What about a
compromise?" Two heads turned to
Remus, and he nearly stepped backwards at the combined intensity. Squaring his shoulders, he pressed on. "Leave Harry with Lily's sister until
he's five. That will give Sirius some
time to find a suitable home and cast protections, so that Harry will be
safe."

Sirius' glare began to turn into
more of a smile. Dumbledore nodded
slowly. "That would be
acceptable. On one condition." Sirius snorted, but didn't say anything
after he saw Remus glare at him.
"Remus must stay with you, help you with this. This is not up for negotiation. Between the two of you, you'll be powerful
enough."

Remus shrugged when the other man
sent an inquiring glance at him. Sirius
nodded curtly. "Fine."

"Leave Harry. Professor McGonagall will watch the house
until the boy is taken inside."
The Headmaster watched in silence as the baby basket was set gently on
the stoop. Sirius knelt and placed a
shaky kiss on the baby's forehead.
Remus crouched at his side, touching a finger to one tiny hand, tucking
the blanket more securely.

"Let's go, Sirius." Remus tugged on his arm a little, dragging
him away. They Apparated to Sirius'
London flat, neither noticing the Headmaster's small smile.

"Firewhiskey." Sirius crossed the living room to the
kitchen, pouring both of them large glasses of the potent liquor. He handed Remus a glass, and flopped onto
the couch. The werewolf took the large
armchair, and they drank in silence.

After the third glass, they were
both feeling the effect of the alcohol.
As he began his fourth glass, Sirius broke down completely. "Oh, merlin, Moony, this is all my
fault. If I hadn't insisted...made
James change to Peter...could have trusted you more...and maybe they'd be alive
now." He was mumbling, his face
covered with one hand, fighting back tears.

"Mights and maybes don't mean
anything at this point, Pads. Might be
that you'd have gotten killed keeping that Secret."

"Better me than
them." His voice was bitter, and
he swallowed the last of the alcohol in his glass in a giant gulp.

"If we're playing that game,
then it should have been me. I'm the
expendable one after all. I'm the
werewolf." Remus stared into his glass,
wondering vaguely where all the liquid had gone.

"You shouldn't say that."

"It's why you all thought I was
the spy."

"James and Lily never believed
that you were. They both argued with
me.� Sirius stared into his cup, his
silver eyes angry. �But I was foolish �
couldn�t possibly be wrong. No, I was
convinced that you�d turned, gone over, and that you weren�t around because you
were the spy. That you�d left us. All because I couldn�t admit that I was
lonely without you always nearby.�

�What made you think that I�d�done
that?� Remus felt twenty-two for the
first time ever. His mind noted, far in
the back, that normally feeling like a forty-year-old trapped in a younger
man�s body felt even stranger when one finally felt their real age.

�After we graduated�you pulled away
from us. I just � you didn�t act like
Moony anymore!� His fingers tightened
on the glass until the flesh whitened; his forehead was creased with
consternation. �It seemed so strange,
how you�d make excuses not to go out with us, or you�d always leave so
hurriedly.�

�I was looking for work. It�s not�it�s not easy to find someone who�s
willing to hire a werewolf, you know.
And it was always easier to leave, than to stay and be the fifth wheel.�

�You could have asked for help ��

�I don�t want charity.� Remus restrained himself from throwing his
own cup at his friend�s bowed head, leaping up to pace instead. �I don�t want to be a burden on anyone, and
I shouldn�t have to feel as though I can�t fend for myself.�

�It�s not charity or being a burden
for your friends to help you out once in a while.� Sirius gestured with the new bottle that he�d charmed from the
kitchen, and Remus dropped onto the couch beside him, letting him pour him
another glass.

�I dislike always being the
inconvenient one.�

�You�re the only person I have ever
known, Moony, who can use words with that many syblibl�sbybl�parts, when
sloshed. How are you that?�

�The rest of you come in
pairs.�

�I�m sorry, I�m definitely not a
pair with Peter.� Sirius shook a finger
in Remus� general direction, nearly spilling his firewhiskey in the extravagant
gesture.

�No, you dolt, but you usually come
with a date; and then there�s James and Lily, and Peter was dating that girl
for years. I was always the, the
seventh wheel!�

The AniMagus frowned, looking at his
friend out of the corner of his eye.
�How did you never have a date?
I mean, you�re not bad looking.�

�Thanks so much.�

�And you�re good at talking to
girls. They like all that poetry and
stuff you know about.�

�Maybe it isn�t girls that I chat
up.�

�Not gi � Are you telling me you�re
a shirtlifter, Moony?� Sirius� jaw
dropped in shock.

�I suppose I am, Padfoot.� He lifted his glass to the light, staring at
the amber liquid, then knocked it all back in a few long swallows. Sirius finished his own whiskey. �Never figured on having this particular
conversation with you.�

�Did you think that we�d hate you?�

�Not�no, it was more�It�s hard
enough to be a werewolf, without being a gay werewolf.� Who loves his friend too well� Remus ignored the tiny voice in his head,
keeping his gaze firmly away from Sirius and his drunkenly disheveled
state. �I was afraid you'd...not hate
me, but treat me differently.�

�I guess that does sound a big �
Sweet Hestia, I cannot believe you never told us. Do you enjoy secrets or something?�

�Sirius, you three were my first
friends. I desperately didn't want
anything to change the way you treated me.�
He swallowed more firewhiskey.
�Would you have been so comfortable crawling into my bed whenever you
were unhappy if you'd known?� Remus
oofed in surprise as Sirius flung himself down into his lap, whiskey sloshing
out of his glass.

Silver eyes glinted up at him. �Most of the time I was miserable because I
was fancying boys in addition to girls.�

A scar-crossed eyebrow rose. �The notorious womanizer Sirius Black is a
part-time ponce? I am shocked, shocked
to hear you say so!�

�You always made me feel
better. Still do.� He mumbled, the words muffled due to the
fact that his face was nearly buried in Remus' stomach. �Don't leave me, Moony. Everyone else left me.�

�I won't leave you.� Remus found himself stroking the other boy's
hair. �Dumbledore says I have to stay,
too.�

�Then nothing will take you
away. Not work, not, not girls,
not...nothing.� His words were slurred,
and he wrapped his arms around his friend's waist. �I don't want to be alone.�

As Sirius' breathing evened into
sleep, Remus stroked his hair. �You
never did want to. But, oh, how much
pain do I have to go through for you?
At your hands?�

They bought a house. Or rather, Sirius Black dragged Remus Lupin
to a hundred FOR SALE houses, until the more practical werewolf decided what
they would need.

As soon as the ink was dry on the
deed, they cast the very difficult spells to make it Unmappable, and wards to
prevent anyone from Apparating in. They
had an unlisted Floo hookup installed, and began layering protections into the
walls. Remus even called in a favor
from a Muggle cousin to have a traditional Muggle security system put into
place. Sirius booby-trapped the
windows, and the cellar bulkhead.

And then they realized that they had
another four years to fill.

�We can't just cast protective magic
until we get him back.� Sirius paced
the library. Remus ignored him, quill
scratching quietly away as he worked on a journal article. �I mean, we could, but it's soooooo boring!�

�You could try working?�

�I don't know what I want to do!�

�Then why don't you start
looking? And leave me a bit of peace to
finish this in?� Remus pulled a
different book closer and jotted notes out of it. Sirius dropped into the other chair, exhaling melodramatically.

�Moony!�

�No. I'm going to finish this today.
No. More. Interruptions.� Amber eyes glared, and Sirius sighed again, rising.

�Fine, fine. I'll just � just � go do something
ridiculously impractical then.� He
swept out of the room before any objections could be voiced.

It was dark by the time he
returned. Remus was keeping pasta warm
on the stove, and garlic bread in the oven.
He was sitting on the kitchen table, putting the final touches on his
article, when Sirius burst through the back door. �You are going to be thrilled!�

�I am?� He rolled the parchment up and tucked it into the desk in the
corner of the kitchen. Sirius was
grinning like a madman, clutching sheets of parchment in one hand.

�You, my dear Moony, are going to
die of happiness.�

�Whenever you say that, something
bad happens. We're not in school
anymore, so it won�t be administrators.
No, this will, quite likely, involve the Aurors, or the Muggle police.�

�Now, don't be like that. Not all of my ideas end in reprimands.�

�No, that's true, but then, some of
them end in flames or flooding. Or
both.�

�That was only once.� He pouted as Remus began sliding plates onto
the table. �I've bought a secondhand
bookstore.�

�You've what?� He spooned pasta and sauce out carefully, as
Sirius bounced to the icebox to fetch butterbeers.

�Bought a bookstore.� He grinned widely around a mouthful of
garlic bread.

�Merlin's Beard, Sirius, are you
mad?� Remus began eating automatically.

�Decidedly not. C'mon, think about it. We need something to keep us busy, and,
quite frankly, you'll go nuts not working.
And since you won't be sensible and just mooch off of my fortune, we
need a compromise. A bookstore!�

�How is a bookstore a compromise?�

�You'll be working, so the mooching
won't seem like it.� Sirius looked
entirely too pleased with himself.
Remus sighed.

�I don't have the strength to argue
you down on this, do I?�

�I doubt it.� He slurped pasta quickly, gesturing with his
fork while he chewed. �Besides, it's
all you'll let me do for you, and you don't even want it.�

�It's just...I want to be able to
pull my own weight.�

�Moony, we're going to be acquiring
a five-year-old. Both of us are going
to be pulling more weight than we can even imagine.�

Remus nodded slowly. �Fine, a bookstore it is.� He raised a finger in warning. �But you're going to listen to me about the
books, understood? I'm not going to let
you stock nothing but bad adventure novels.�
Sirius nodded and Remus looked pleased, and the conversation turned to
other things.

Remus sat on the roof, staring at
the waxing moon. His thoughts were
wandering aimlessly in circles, from the very nice bookstore that he'd spent
the day inventorying, to the man who'd bought the bookstore. Sirius. Who had spent the day gleefully digging through stacks of books,
sneezing every now and again when his exuberance kicked dust up.

The werewolf sighed. Five bloody years, I've spent half in
love with him. He thought back on the
few boyfriends he'd had � none of whom seemed to measure up. He closed his eyes, remembering the nights
in seventh year when Sirius would crawl into his bed to curl up next to him,
anxiety and stress causing a frown that no one else ever saw. I cannot believe that I lived with him
for seven years and never realized.

And while he sat on the roof
thinking, Sirius sat in the library, glass of firewhiskey in hand, cursing
himself, Remus, and his own cowardice.

Remus pushed his hair out of his
face and stretched. The last set of
shelves was finally organized, and he was ready for some tea. He turned around, rubbing his neck tiredly,
to find Sirius standing there with a cup of tea, staring at him.

He blushed, unsure what the look on
his friend's face meant. �Padfoot? Do I have dirt on my face or
something?� Sirius shook himself,
handed him the cup, and stepped closer.

�Just a bit of dust.� He carefully wiped the smudge off of Remus'
jaw, his fingers lingering a split second longer than he'd meant. They stared at one another, neither moving;
Sirius trying to find the courage to step forward, Remus looking for the
strength to step back.

The black-haired wizard couldn't
take his eyes off of who was standing before him. And when Remus licked his lips nervously, without thinking, he
leaned in and pressed a kiss on him.

The werewolf froze. There were warm lips kissing him, and strong
hands pulling him closer, and all his mind could come up with was a desperate
desire for it to not be a dream. His stomach
tightened as he stumbled backwards, pushing Sirius away.

The other boy was watching him
warily, his silver eyes glittering with desire.

�Wh � what -� His hand covered his mouth, shock written in
every line of his lean body.

�I'm not going to apologize.� Sirius looked like he was going to say more,
but he was cut off.

�That's fine, but you're also not
going to do that again.� The shorter
man's voice wasn't shaky anymore. �I�m
not going to be a, a pastime or a hobby for you.�

�It's not -�

�We're friends, Sirius. Leave it at that.� Remus turned and walked out of the shop, so that he could hide
the trembling in his hands.

Sirius watched him go, heart
sinking.

Remus began to spend his nights
walking until night fell. Most nights,
he'd just keep walking as the moon rose in the sky. Tonight, it was three-quarters full, and he was restless, itchy,
as the werewolf inside of him paced, waiting.

When he finally turned his steps to
the house, it was after midnight.

Sirius was waiting for him in the
living room as he always did, a bottle of firewhiskey resting half-empty on his
stomach as he slouched on the couch.

�Are you planning on drinking
yourself to sleep every night?� The
words were harsher than he'd meant, but Sirius just nodded. �Then do it in your room so that you don't
keep passing out on the couch!�

� 's too lonely.� He gulped straight from the bottle. �Don' wanna be lonely.�

Remus sat in his armchair, hands
dangling between his knees as he leaned forward. �Is that why you kissed me?
So that you didn't have to feel alone?�

Black hair fell into his eyes as he
looked up. A clumsy hand pushed it
aside. �Never feel alone when I'm with
you. Tha's why I always came to your
bed. But -� He trailed off, frowning.
�Not why I kissed you. Looked
cute.�

�You kissed me because you thought I
was cute? Bloody hell, Sirius, you're
insane.�

�Only cause I love you.� He closed his eyes and swallowed more
liquor.

�Don't tease. Not about this.� Remus raked a hand through his hair, and reached out, stealing
the bottle of alcohol and taking three long swallows. �I am not drunk enough for this conversation.�

�Didn' think you liked boys. Thought -�
He took a deep, drunken breath.
�Thought you'd be disgusted at me.�

�You didn't hate me for being a
werewolf � nothing could have made me hate you.�

�James use� t� tease me about
you. 'Staring at Moony again, Padfoot?'
he'd say, an� I'd get embarrassed cause I was, you know, always watchin�
you.� Thinking was making him sober up,
so he stole the bottle back.

�I never noticed. Which is funny, because I was always
watching you.� He smiled
bitterly. �Though it wasn't James who
teased me; it was my boyfriend. He'd
get angry and demand to know why I wasn't with you, if I was going to do nothing
but moon over you.�

�You �ad a BOYFRIEND then? Great googly, Moony, y� led a double
life.� Sirius handed the bottle
back. �Oh, I say, did that mean you cheated
ev�ry time I slept wi� you?�

�The times you were Padfoot
definitely don't count.� Remus
shrugged, oddly graceful. �I suppose
the other times could.�

�If y� knew what I wuzz thinkin�
back then, they def�nit�ly would.� He
leered, wiggling his eyebrows.�

The other boy drank, letting the
buzz take over for him. �I used to lie
awake on those nights, so that I didn't miss any time with you.� Sirius choked on the mouthful he'd
taken. �That's what you get for
drinking more than your share.�

�Did you really, Moony?�

�Yes.�

�I�m a bloody idiot.� He groaned, falling back against the cushions.

�Tell me something that isn't common
knowledge, you half-wit.� He clapped a
hand over his mouth, then started laughing.
�Look at us, Padfoot � two drunken idiots confessing that we had crushes
on each other when we were at boarding school.
I think this makes us a stereotype.�

Sirius didn't laugh. �Who says �t�s a crush? Merlin, Moony, I've been starin� at your
arse for four an� a half years!
I b�came a bloody dog to make you happy! I would crawl inna your bed to sleep next
t�you, even when I tol� myself I w�sn't goin� to! I love you, you git.� He
threw himself towards Remus, landing hard on his knees and bumping his nose on
Remus' knee. �Ow.�

The werewolf's amber eyes watched
him warily. �Sirius 'I don't date, I
just grant audiences' Black thinks he's in love with me? That is utter rubbish. You've never loved anything past your own
nose or your stomach.�

�Y're no� lis�nin�, Moony. Din't you �va wonder why you were the only
one I'd lis�n to? Or why I spen� so
much time prankin� anyone who said anythin� �bout you? You never once wond�r�ed at all the shagging
jokes James made at us or how P-peter use ta tease us about our 'marri�d
bickering'?�

Remus stared in shock. �I just, I thought it was friendship,
ordinary teasing, nothing special.� He
pushed the drunken man on his ass, and began pacing.

�Moony, Remus, if I �ad known you
weren't straight, I'd have giv�n up ev�ry girl, ev�ry boy, and spent ev�ry
night in yer bed.� Sirius was sprawled
on the carpet, silver eyes gleaming in the lamplight. �I dunno �ow to love anyone else, but I know you.� The slurring couldn�t disguise the certainty
in the AniMagus� voice.

�Oh sweet merciful Merlin.� Remus stopped pacing. �This is a dream. I was knocked out by falling books and I�m going to wake up any
moment to discover this is all a trick of my subconscious.�

Sirius swept a leg out, knocking his
friend to the floor, and crawling on top of him. �'s not a bloody dream, you witless werewolf.� Warm breath tickled his ear, and Remus shivered,
even though he was covered in warm AniMagus.

�I think that's worse.� The whisper was desperate, his amber eyes
holding pain and fear.

�Why? You ev�n said � y� like me too!�

�But I never, there was no chance,
no � hope, I never even thought � I can't do this, Sirius. Everyone I've ever been with hasn't measured
up, and I don't know how to have what I want.�
He struggled to get the Animagus off of him, but Sirius refused to
budge.

�One day. Gimme one day atta time to conv�nce you that I c�n love, do love,
you.�

And Remus sighed, knowing that he'd
never before been able to deny Sirius anything. Sirius, on the other hand, smirked in victory, and then passed
out in a drunken stupor on top of the annoyed werewolf.
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10 Steps to Remus