If Only, Just Once, Maybe

Title: If Only, Just Once, Maybe
Rating: R-NC17
Pairings: well, it’s in the H/D section, but there’s more to it than that
Warnings: not a happy ending. Well, it *can* have an alternate ending, I may post, but overall this is a one-shot. We’ll see what the reviewers want. Doesn’t follow HBP. Slight A/U, you’ll see why, so don’t be bothering me with the whole “oh, well that’s ooc” or something. Thanks ^_^

Disclaimer: Not my characters, etc. I do not make any money from this, I’m broke.

A/N: Oh geeze, okay, well I know I’ve still got quite a bit to go on my other story, but I’ve got life swallowing me up. I’m doing what I can and unfortunately, BR&B requires too much of my thought and so forth, heh. So I’m writing this. This is meant to be a little less detailed for me rather than the intricate plot I have for BR&B. Hence the slight A/U.


*******************************

I glared at him over the stack of cauldrons I was scrubbing only to see his piercing grey eyes looking right back at me. Our eyes met, and my eyes went wide from the sudden flood of emotion. His eyes were so intense it felt as if he was looking into my soul.

“Malfoy.” I said, trying to feign distaste. To cover the sudden urge to stop what I was doing and pounce on him.

“Harry.” He spoke with a smirk, that one word coming out like silk. Silk that seemed to wrap itself around me lightly, teasing me, tempting me. Oh how I hated it.

I scoffed at him and quickly buried myself into scrubbing another cauldron. I could hear him tsk soon after and looked up to him again.

He uncrossed his legs which lay atop Snape‘s desk and stood up. He started to slowly make his way to me. “Really, Harry, you should learn better manners.”

There was my name again! Why must it sound so good coming from him? Why must the fates tempt me?

He licked his lips, leaving a slight sheen to them, and looked me up and down. “Stand up, Harry.”

Oh sweet Merlin, why did he have to lick his lips? I stared at them for a while before tearing my gaze away. “I hate you.” I spoke before standing up.

“Yes, yes, I know…” He took hold of my arms and stepped closer, pressing his body against me. “But you can’t deny that you want me.” He let go of one arm and moved his hand to suddenly grasp my growing erection over the thin trousers.

I hissed out loud and squeezed my eyes shut. Oh, gods! Why did it have to feel so good?


Harry licked his dry lips and looked down at the muggle notebook. He took a couple breaths before closing his eyes and imagining what he would like to happen next. Soon after he found he couldn’t write any more and closed the notebook, sticking it under his pillow. He made sure the curtains were closed around his bed before pushing his trousers and pants all the way down and grasping his hard cock.

He closed his eyes for a moment. It felt so good, but so wrong at the same time. He couldn’t help it though, and soon thought of Draco Malfoy taking him, gently and rough at the same time. As his hand sped up, so did his breathing. He was getting close, oh so close. The pale skin, soft blond hair, intense grey eyes… he was so close.

“Oi! Harry! Time to wake up, mate.” Ron’s voice suddenly drifted into his mind and his eyes snapped open to see Ron yanking the curtains open.

Harry’s eyes widened and tried in haste to cover himself. However, that mixed with the surprise from being caught caused him to get tangled up in the blankets and fall off the bed.

“Ah, Harry.” Ron said, sounding disgusted. “Next time, spell the curtains shut, would you?”

Harry was blushing quite a bit by now and had his blankets in a death grip. He managed to get himself up after much struggling and no help at all. He glared at Ron for not helping him up, but eventually just let the glare go and nodded at Ron.

“Well, um… take a shower or something. We have 15 minutes to breakfast.”

Harry gave Ron a look for waiting until the last minute before he grabbed a towel and his school uniform, rushing into the bathroom. He took a quick shower, his little episode this morning washing away any aroused state.

Looking in the mirror, Harry frowned at himself. He gave one yank to his impossible hair before putting on his clothes and rushing down to breakfast with just a small wave to Hermione when he got there.

All through breakfast, he found his eyes continue to wander over to the blond that haunted his dreams and his thoughts. ‘If only,’ he had thought unconcluded. ‘If only’ had been in a lot of his thoughts these past 4 months. If only that curse had a cure… but it was a curse that was created, original, not used before and therefore wasn’t registered.

Harry closed his eyes for a moment and let out a breath.

“Harry?” Hermione’s concerned voice spoke up.

Harry just looked at Hermione and nodded at her to show that he would be okay before he got up and left breakfast early. He hardly nibbled on his toast, but he hadn’t been all that hungry since *the* night. He was a murderer, and everyone just turned and looked the other way because at least it wasn’t them. The evil was gone and they weren’t the ones stuck getting rid of it. That was all that mattered.

Harry felt he should have been punished. Even though everyone basically forced him into that situation, he still felt bad about it. Most people believed that the curse right after Voldemort’s death from one of his death eaters was enough punishment. That the 17 year old boy shouldn’t have to go through any more in his young life.

But Harry still felt that something was missing. He’d hate to think that he was just lonely. He didn’t deserve anyone. Not the killer that he became. It would also mean that Malfoy was a possibility to fill it. He didn’t even want to get into that. He wasn’t sure when he started to think of Malfoy that way, but over time, he got used to it, even though it was still a complicated thing to think about. There was nothing he could do about it, and he didn’t really want to.

Although there were some times when he would just think if he actually did do something, what would happen? As irrational as it may seem.

Harry stopped from his random path down the halls after he realized he was heading towards the dungeons. He turned around and went to go back up, but saw Malfoy walking slowly down the hall, heading towards the Slytherin common room. He glanced at Harry, but didn’t do anything, or say anything. Draco had not only lost his family, but most of his Slytherin classmates as well during the battle over the summer.

Harry watched him as the blond passed him up, and turned around the corner. He let out a breath and continued on his way back towards the Gryffindor tower.

***

I was on my knees in front of Draco. I put my fingers over the waistband of his trousers before looking up at him. “I want you.”

Draco was looking down at me, his hand in my hair. “Go on.” He spoke with a half smirk, half smile.

Looking back to my task, I unzipped his trousers and pulled both it and his pants down a bit, just enough to free his gorgeous cock. Licking my lips, I wrapped my mouth around the head of his cock, and sucked hard. I heard him moan and looked up at him.

He was looking down at me with lust filled eyes. “Come on, Harry…”

I moved my mouth down as far as it could go before sucking my way back to the tip.

“Faster than that.” He instructed me, and I obeyed.

“Mmm” I hummed to myself around his cock when I felt him getting closer. He tasted so good.

Suddenly I stopped myself and sat up on the table. I looked into his eyes. I could tell he was angry from me not finishing, but knew what I was about to say would change that. “Fuck me, Draco.”

Draco groaned and spread my legs apart, aiming himself to slowly enter me. Even though he went slowly, I could still feel the slight burn and pain from being penetrated with no stretching. I just closed my eyes though. I needed this. I needed to feel.

When he was fully inside of me, he stilled for about a minute. I just shifted uncomfortably before he started moving in me. It still hurt some when he went all the way in, but I just let it happen.

“Move.” Draco ordered and helped maneuver me onto all fours. He lifted my ass a bit more before pounding into me, and oh! This felt different. The discomfort was being over-ridden by pleasure, and I found myself moaning out loud.

“You like that?” Draco asked between his panting.

“Yesssss.” I hissed out, pushing back against him.

“Oh gods…” He let out, speeding up.

I just moaned louder and kept pressing back towards him. “Yes, Draco.” I spoke even though my panting was getting faster and harder. Oh, it felt so good! I reached down to touch myself, and it only took about three pulls on my erection before I was coming all over the desk.

I heard a loud moan from behind me and felt Draco come inside me soon after.

***

“Harry, I’m sure there’s something you can do…”

[Hermione, we both know that the war has changed many people. Loved ones have died… that changes people.] Harry wrote his reply back to Hermione pointedly. Hermione had lost both her parents in the war, and since has mellowed down from the over studious girl she once was.

Hermione was silent for a good minute before she spoke again. “But you can’t honestly think that you deserve no one, do you? Everyone deserves love… even if it may come from people you least expect… without it, what makes us human?”

Harry didn’t do anything. Just sat there, looking at Hermione.

“Even if it ends up…” Hermione sighed, stopping that train of thought. “It doesn’t matter if you’re mute.” She said quietly. “He lost a lot too. Maybe he feels just as empty. You two had such a history, it doesn’t matter that it was in a bad way… maybe he needs you like I know you need him. Can’t you just give it a shot?”

Harry looked at her a bit more before shaking his head. He got up from the couch in the common room and went into his dorm. It was late and everyone was asleep already. He sat on the windowsill, looking out at the winter night sky. The moon shone on the ice of the lake, and the snow seemed less pure at night.

‘Just once…’ Harry thought, not finishing the thought before he fell asleep in the chair, silent tears streaking his cheeks.

*******

Harry got up before any of the other boys, plagued by dreams of the final battle, and the tension involving his thoughts about Malfoy. He decided for an early shower to freshen up and stretch out his cramped muscles from sitting in that chair all night. He took his time, letting the heat relax him, if only for a moment.

When he got out, he heard whispers coming from Ron’s bed. He looked over there to see Dean and Seamus talking with Ron. He didn’t know what it was about, and didn’t have time to find out as they stopped when they saw him. Ron got up and immediately deterred Harry, saying they had to go to breakfast so Hermione won’t worry.

In Potions, Harry was once again reminded of how much was lost in the war. There was no NEWT level class, as there were hardly any students to teach now. Hermione, Ron, Dean, Seamus and Harry were the only Gryffindors left. Draco was the only Slytherin. Hannah and Justin were the only Hufflepuffs, and three of the Ravenclaws were also gone.

Snape seemed a bit nicer, but with everyone in as mellow a mood they were, there was no need for the hostility from before. He had written a question on the board that involved creating an advanced potion for temporary mental stability. Since none existed yet, there were a few variables that needed to be thought out.

“Malfoy.” Snape spoke. “Would you come up to the board to figure this out?”

Harry’s eyes drifted once again to the blond. “Yes.” Malfoy spoke quietly; his voice sounding foreign to everyone, as he hardly spoke anymore. He got up and went up to the board, Harry watching his every move. Draco glanced back towards Harry before facing the board, and the question.

Ron nudged Harry. “You should tell him.” Ron whispered.

Harry just shook his head and read from the potions book while Draco worked on the problem.

***

I was silent for a moment, looking at him and gathering up the courage to ask him. I was a Gryffindor, I was supposed to be brave, but this was something else completely. If I could have him, for just sex, at least I had him in some way or another. It would be better than if he were to leave me completely.

“Harry, use that Gryffindor bravery and just ask me already.” Draco said, looking at me.

I sighed and closed my eyes, hoping I wasn’t making things bad. “I don’t want to be your fuck buddy.”

I heard nothing but silence after that. I cracked one eye open to see his face. He looked surprised and… was that hurt? I opened both my eyes and looked at him with worry. “Draco?”

“Why?” He asked.

I paused. “I… I want more than that… with you.”

Draco visibly relaxed and quickly took me in his arms. “Was that all this was about?” He asked rhetorically. “You already had it.” His arms rose to grab my head with his hands. He made me look at him before he kissed me.

I felt heat spread all throughout my body from my core. My body tingled, and I never wanted Draco more than I did now.

***

“Now listen here, Harry Potter, if you don’t owl this notebook to him yourself, I’ll do it.” Ron was talking while Dean and Seamus held Harry down from lunging at Ron to get his notebook back. “I don’t want to see you thinking you don’t deserve anyone, and if it’s Malfoy you want, I don’t care. Now if I give you back this notebook, swear to me you will owl this to him today. Do you swear?”

Harry just kept looking at Ron with narrowed eyes in annoyance.

“Okay, fine, lets see, I wonder how the entire school will react to this little section here. ‘He wrapped his arms around me, biting the back of my neck. The pain was just enough to feel good, I-’ ow, Harry! You didn’t have to kick me.”

Harry continued to look at Ron with narrowed eyes, holding his hand out.

“Okay, let’s try this again. Do you swear?” Ron asked again.

This time Harry nodded and yanked his notebook back when Ron handed it to him.

“If I see this laying around here again, I will make sure Malfoy sees it one way or the other. Got it?”

Harry just nodded, resigned. Why did his friends have to get involved in this? Couldn’t he just keep to his fantasy, surely it would be better than what reality would throw at him.

Regardless, he kept his promise and owled it off just before going to bed that night. Once again, he sat by the window, looking at the winter kissed grounds and watching Hedwig fly off. He didn’t know how she would get to the dungeons… perhaps it was an owl skill of some sort.

After she was out of sight, he stared absently at the grounds again, thinking of Draco. Of what his possible reactions could be, if there even was going to be one. Harry could only imagine it turning out bad, but maybe… ‘Maybe…’ Harry thought before he drifted off to sleep. This night he didn’t dream about the war. Everything was Draco.

*********

The next morning, Harry woke when the sun shone in his eyes through the window. He turned away from the bright sun, and felt something on his lap. His eyes opened and looked down to see his notebook sitting there. Confused, he picked it up and looked at the cover, as if to verify it was actually here.

He heard a yawn before Ron’s voice spoke up. “Oi, Harry, how did… why do you still have that?”

Harry looked at Ron standing a few feet away. He shrugged and pointed at Hedwig, who was perched on the sill, cleaning herself.

“Oh, so you did send it out last night?”

Harry nodded. He stood up and looked at Ron with a questioning look.

“I don’t know, mate. Maybe Hermione can figure it out?”

As if she heard her name, Hermione came rushing into the boys’ dorm and immediately hugged Harry tightly. “Oh, Harry, I’m so sorry.”

Harry’s eyes widened in worry and looked at Ron.

“Mione, what happened?” Ron asked her, walking up to the two of them.

“He… he…” Hermione took a deep breath and stepped back from Harry. She closed her eyes for a moment before looking at Harry. With her voice shaky, and tears threatening to spill, Hermione went on. “Draco committed suicide last night.”

Harry paled, and it felt like the air had been knocked out of him. Did Draco do this because of the notebook, or did he not get it at all? If he would have sent it out earlier, would it have been enough to stop Draco? Could he have…?

The thoughts jumbled all up until Harry couldn’t take it anymore and promptly passed out, his head hitting the windowsill hard on his way down. Hermione saw the blood and burst into tears, while Ron rushed forward and picked Harry up. “Hermione! We need to get him to Pomfrey.” Ron spoke, trying to get the girl out of her break down. “Come on, we have to hurry!”

Hermione caught enough to nod her head and follow, though she was still crying. They quickly took Harry to the infirmary.

After some emergency work, Harry lay cleaned in the infirmary bed, his head bandaged. Pomfrey had called in the Headmistress.

“I’m afraid he is in a coma. There is no way to tell when he will wake.” Madame Pomfrey said calmly. The war made her able to be more of a professional, and not show any emotions. Headmistress McGonagall and Harry’s friends just nodded while Hermione cried into Ron’s shoulder.

Pomfrey moved Harry’s hair off his face, the only sign of concern she felt for the boy before she spoke again. “Only he will be able to wake from it, though I fear he does not want to.”

“Oh, Harry…” Ron whispered, looking at his friend. The room went dead silent, each looking at the unconscious boy.

Would he ever wake?


*****************************

A/N: Well there it is. Let me know what you guys think, and stuff.