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"Why Me?"	By : SpeedyTomato Category: Harry Potter > Slash - Male/Male Views: 88151 -:- Recommendations : 4 -:- Currently Reading : 8
Disclaimer: I don't own Harry Potter and make no money off this work of extreme insanity.

Chapter List
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“Why Me?”

By Speedy Tomato

Disclaimer: I don't own Harry Potter and make no money off this work of extreme insanity.

Summary: Harry had realized long ago that he was never going to have a normal life. He accepted that, but this-- well, it's a little extreme, even for him! LM/HP/SB

Beta'd by the amazing Tenchi. Love you, woman, you're the best!

For update notices for this, or any of my works, you can follow me on Twitter or FaceBook, both links are on my profile. Or send an email to SpeedyTomato_updates@Live.com. Just mention the name of the story you want the notice on or you can request to be updated for all of them. Thanks to Rogue for running that for me!

Important A.N.! This is a multi-chapter crackfic. Complete and utter insanity will ensue from it. There is rampant OOCness and just downright strangeness. It's not meant to be taken seriously in any way, shape or form. All it's meant to be silly, stupid and funny, nothing more. Any complaints about OOCness and how the characters wouldn't do what I'm forcing them to will result in me letting B.W. flash fry then eat you. After all, there are no carbs in such food!

We are going to start out at the Department of Mysteries, with many events from Goblet of Fire on up not happening. That'll be explained as I press on. I'm just putting that note there to give you a base of where I'm kicking off, nothing more.

-That Tomato Person

Chapter 1:

What the fuck? No, seriously, what the fuck?

(Content warning: has something that may be perceived as dubious consent in this chapter)

I'm one card short of a full deck

I'm not quite the shilling

One wave short of a shipwreck

I'm not my usual top billing

I'm coming down with a fever

I'm really out to sea

This kettle is boiling over

I think I'm a banana tree

Oh dear

I'm going slightly mad

I'm going slightly mad

It finally happened - happened

It finally happened - uh huh

It finally happened

I'm slightly mad

Oh dear

-I'm Going Slightly Mad

-Queen

Standing in Umbridge's office with Neville, Luna, Hermione and Ron, Harry was glowering at not only her but Malfoy, who was standing with his two goons. Yet again, Malfoy had thought they were breathing wrong or something, then docked points before frog-marching the lot of them to the pink-loving toad's office at wand point.

Looking at the five of them, Umbridge smiled evilly then said to Draco, tone simpering as always, “Oh, you are so efficient! Wonderful job, Draco! Ten points to Slytherin for completing the mission so quickly! Now, if you'll excuse us, we have some things we need to discuss.”

“Of course, professor,” Draco said with a smirk, bowing. After shooting the five in the room a self-satisfied sneer, he strutted out, chin held high, Crabbe and Goyle trailing along after him.

Walking over to the group after grabbing a piece of parchment off the desk, Umbridge tutted, still grinning wickedly then said, “Such troublemakers, all of you! I think it's time you learned a lesson that my detentions haven't taught you. And, well, then the school will be rid of all of you! Less trash, shall we say.” Holding out the parchment, she waved her wand, saying, tone smug, “Grab on. You're going to take a little trip! I know just the place, too. As it's rather busy right now, I think you'll find it most enjoyable and entertaining!”

Gritting his teeth, Harry fought the compulsion that was pulling at him to grab the parchment. Looking around wildly, he spied Ginny poking her head around the edge of the door. Mouthing the words 'get help', he fought against grabbing the parchment. He wasn't sure what the hell was going on, all he knew was that this probably wasn't something good and wherever it was the thing was going to send them to was more than likely even worse. Seeing her nod then dash off, he hoped she would find someone that could assist then went back to fighting the spell with everything he had.

Giving an aggravated huff at Harry fighting the spell, Umbridge gave a wave of her wand and the young man quickly grabbed the parchment. Pleased, she gave a grin then tapped the Portkey with her wand. “Do send those there my regards,” she simpered before waggling her stubby fingers in a wave.

Feeling a familiar tug behind his navel, Harry gritted his teeth as the Portkey whisked them away.

Landing in a heap, the five of them groaned as they disentangled themselves. Looking around, Harry could see massive shelves with jars on them. As expected, he had no clue where they were. Disentangling himself, he stood up, gazing at the shelves then looked at the main area where he froze, eyes wide.

“Where are we?” Neville asked quietly, standing, brushing himself off.

“Hall of Prophecy from the looks of it,” Hermione said, gazing around. Then, quickly, she began to rattle off all the things she had read about it.

Backing up, eyes wide, Harry said, quietly, voice quivering slightly, wand clutched tightly in his hand, “I don't think the where matters right now. It's my thought that who else is here is the spanner in the works.”

“Mate? What do you mean?” Ron said, looking around. Spying what Harry did, he went pale, freckles standing out against his skin like splotches, he whispered, “Bloody hell.”

“Oh, my,” was all Luna had to say, staring at what the two boys were gawking at.

Looking in that direction, both Neville and Hermione let out what could only be termed a squeak.

Shaking his head, Harry stared at the scene. Umbridge had dropped them into what looked like Death Eater central. Even the great snake-faced git himself was present and accounted for. Though he hadn't encountered the great prat since the whole nightmare in the Chamber, nor had any visions from him, Harry was well aware who this was as his scar was setting off sparks of pain, not to mention he doubted anyone else had a face like that. Glancing around, he recognized a couple of the faces, but the three big ones he was worried about were Voldemort himself, Lucius Malfoy and Bella. Oh, bloody hell, they were in trouble now! Backing up slightly, he whispered, “I think we need to find a way out of here.”

Nodding vigorously, staying by Ron, clutching his arm almost convulsively, Hermione whispered, “Any idea what we should do?”

Keeping an eye on the group, who looked as stunned to see them as they were at being there, Harry kept backing up. Thinking quickly, he whispered, “I think running like hell is a real good idea right now. Let's split up and see if we can't find a way out of here then call for help!” Hearing Bella cackle then call out his name in that sing-song tone of hers, Harry felt a shiver dance down his spine then said, “On the count of three, let's split up.” Seeing Bella start to almost dance in their direction with a look of gleeful insanity on her face, he shouted, “Three!” Then, with a burst of speed, wand still clutched in his hand, he took off down one of the aisles, hoping the others did the same thing.

Running down a long corridor of doors, Harry kept glancing over his shoulder. Yup, the insane Bella was still behind him, though way back. Right now, all he wanted to do was find one that was open to hide in. He'd tried a few but all had been locked. As he really didn't have the time right now to try them all, he was just going to dash and wait for an open one. Either that or find a way out of this damned maze.

Rounding a corner, he put on a burst of speed and raced down it, trying to find an open door. Still nothing. Coming to a dead end with hallways leading off both sides, he hooked a left, praying his luck held out and she would take a right, then made a mad dash down it. Finally, near the end, he spied an open door. Without thinking, he ducked inside and slid behind the door, panting heavily.

Looking around at the contents, his eyes widened. Alright, this was odd. The only thing that seemed to be in it was a massive bed in the center with a deep red comforter on it and chairs surrounding it. On the wall was a chalkboard with the words amator, libido and coagmentatio written on it. Now, because of the spells they learned in school, he knew some Latin. So he was able to work out what they meant but what in the hell did love, lust and binding have to do with one another? Shaking his head, he decided to ignore that and work on trying to breathe again. Right now, he had a stitch in his side that was killing him.

Leaning over, he took deep breaths, trying to calm himself, palm pressed against his side to try to help the stitch. While doing that, he tried to think of a spell that might block the door in case Bella was still on his arse. Nothing was coming to mind though.

Following the hallway, Lucius was muttering swear words under his breath while seeing if he couldn't find out where Potter had taken himself to. He had finally caught up to Bella and sent her back to the Hall of Prophecy, per Tom's orders. Now he just had to find Potter then see if there wasn't a way to get the boy moving in the direction they needed him to, thus finding an exit before the Order decided something was off, and turning up as well.

Striding down the hallway, checking the doors with a spell and finding all of them locked by DOM employees, he huffed. So far, no luck. While doing that, he had to wonder why the hell the five brats were even here! That was something none of them knew. From the look on the faces of the teens when they Portkeyed in, none of them appeared to know what was going on either. Which meant someone, somewhere had another plan and they needed to figure out what it was.

Coming to the hall that branched off in either direction, Lucius looked down both but saw nothing, as he expected. Giving a huff of aggravation, he cast a spell to see if he couldn't trail Potter's magic. Though it was faint, it was there so he hooked a left and began to follow along, honing in on the very pale line the spell wove.

Following it to the room that was reserved for studying bondings, Lucius stepped into the open door. The second he did, a ward around it seemed to shimmer then the room lit up in a bright red color. Eyes widening, he felt the spell slip into place and tried to fight it. Eyes locking on the words written on the chalkboard, he shook his head then whispered, “No!” Gritting his teeth, he fought against it the best he could but his feet seemed to have a mind of their own because he found himself walking towards the bed.

Holding his breath when Malfoy stepped in, Harry's first thought was that he was in trouble. The second was to duck around then out the open door and make a break for it. He could hold his own when it came to defending himself, no doubt there, but against Malfoy? No, running was the better option.

Standing still, he planned to make a break for it at the first opportunity that presented itself. When he felt what seemed to be a spell slip into place then the red color, he was confused, not knowing what was going on. However, he was about to take his chance when Malfoy seemed to be walking towards the bed. That was put to rest when he, too, felt the compulsion from the spell and felt himself walking towards the bed, unable to stop himself no matter how hard he fought it. Panicking, he willed himself to move anywhere but over where Malfoy was but it wasn't working. Instead, he was walking right towards the man.

Struggling mightily against the compulsion of the powerful spell, Lucius was losing. When he was right by the bed, the turned to see Potter making his way in his direction. From the look of things, the boy was fighting the spell as hard as he was, and losing. Gritting his teeth, not sure exactly what spell was in place, but knowing it was a sexual one from what was written on the board, he kept trying to fight but knew it was a losing battle. Instead, he was standing there, waiting for Potter to get close.

When the young man was right in front of him, he, via the spell compulsion, reached out and drew him into a heated, passionate kiss. While that was appalling enough, while their lips were locked, he felt his flesh rise then began to throb madly when it was fully erect. The wrongness of this situation was beyond his comprehension but he had no way of fighting it off.

When their tongues started dancing after he pried Potter's mouth open, Lucius' hands, of their own accord, began to divest the young man of his clothes. When he finished with Potter's, he went to work on his own. Though his mind was screaming at him to stop, he couldn’t, the spell overriding what he was doing.

Horrified when Malfoy started to kiss him, then willing a hole to open below him so he could vanish when his clothes came off, Harry found himself unable to fight whatever spell was there and was kissing the posh prat back, lustfully no less. Moaning in mental pain and arousal, both, he wrapped his arms around the older man, pressing his body against Malfoy's, his own cock hard and throbbing.

Starting to grind against the Malfoy in wanton abandon, Harry was not only horrified, but confused as hell. He felt the spell slip into place, but didn't have the first clue about what one. Nor had he even heard of one that was sexual in nature like this. The only thing he knew about were love potions. Even those wouldn't do something like this! Mind skipping back to the words on the chalkboard, he tried to figure it out, but the longer the snogging session went on, the more that slipped away as he began to lose himself in the feelings, any 'bad' reaction to the whole thing dwindling. Instead, it seemed to be overriding his natural defenses, no matter how hard he fought it, and the pleasurable feelings were taking over, driving him forwards.

Holding on tightly to Potter when the younger man wrapped himself around him, Lucius gave up the fight. The higher the sensations went, the more he realized there was going to be no fighting this and went with it. Backing up slowly, until he felt his legs touch the bed, he then turned the two of them around and shoved Potter down onto the mattress. Quickly pushing the younger man back, situating him the way he favored, he climbed onto the bed himself, straddling Potter. Leaning down, he locked his mouth on Potter's then began to prepare him for what was coming.

Running down the hall, wand clutched tightly in his hand, Sirius was desperate to find Harry. Right now all they knew was that the five kids had been dropped into this place by Umbridge. What reason there was for that none of them knew, but it was apparently big. Showing up, they had seen a whole contingent of Death Eaters, including Voldemort himself. That meant that whatever plan was there was huge. Oh, yeah, this was bad! All Snape had said when he managed to contact them was that it was Umbridge that had Portkeyed the lot of them out, not knowing where she had sent them. Albus, somehow, had managed to track them to the Department of Mysteries. That's where they had gone and found themselves in the middle of chaos when they dropped in.

Already they had managed to round up Lovegood and Longbottom. The two were unhurt, though obviously frightened over what had happened, having no answers for them other than what they already knew. Remus was trying to find Ron. Tonks had headed in the direction Hermione had taken off. Now he was trying to find his godson. From what Neville had said, Harry had gone in this direction with Bella then Lucius hot on his heels. No, he didn't like this, not at all.

Following the variation of the Point-Me spell he was using, though it wasn't working well with all the protections down here, he was trailing along the direction he hoped like hell his godson had taken. So far, he's seen nothing amiss or anything like blood or gore so he prayed that Harry was fine.

Coming to the place he had to turn, he took a left and followed where his wand was leading until he came to the open door. At first, he was sure the spell was off because all he heard were sexual noises of some kind, like moaning and the slap of flesh on flesh. No way Harry would be involved in something like that. However, to make sure, he stepped into the room and stopped, eyes bugging out of his head as he saw his godson on his knees on the bed, completely naked, with Lucius Malfoy behind him, fucking the ever loving shite out of him. Stammering, clutching his wand convulsively as his brain tried to process what was going on, he then felt the spell in the room activate, the red filling it. It was then the compulsion washed over him.

Stammering and stuttering as his traitorous legs walked him to the bed, Sirius looked around wildly, trying to figure out just what the fuck was going on. Eyes lighting on the chalkboard, seeing the words written there, his panic rose higher, then he let out a nervous, high pitched laugh. Oh, this was bad, very bad! He had no clue what spell might be on the fucking room but if it involved those three words, nothing good would come of it. Especially since his body was now following whatever compulsion was there and he couldn't figure out a way to stop it.

Stopping at the edge of the bed, he quickly stripped off his clothes then slid onto it in front of Harry. Putting a hand on his godson's head, though he fought it with everything he had, he pushed it down while thrusting his hips up slightly, his now completely hard cock, brushing against Harry's mouth. He gritted his teeth as he tried to fight off whatever was there, to no avail.

Harry had seen Sirius come into the room and there was a wave of hope that this nightmare was about to end. It wasn't that he didn't like the act that was taking place, he did. It was just the fact that he had no control over what was going on. Stroking his own hard cock, he was thrusting back onto Malfoy, trying to get the man's cock deeper into his ass as he moaned at the sensations. Despite the situation, it felt brilliant and he liked it! However, when Sirius stripped off his clothes, Harry realized his godfather was caught in whatever the hell this strangeness was and wasn't going to be able to fight it off any more than they had.

Seeing Sirius' cock in front of his face, Harry didn't even bother trying to fight anymore. It was worthless and the act was going to happen anyway so he might as well go with it. Leaning his head down slightly, he licked the head of Sirius' cock before lowering his mouth down on it. No, he hadn't done this before, ever, but he'd seen enough porn in the dorms to know the basic act and went with it. Sucking hard, he began to bob his head.

Head falling back, Sirius' eyes slid shut as he felt Harry's mouth on his cock, letting out a loud moan. Though completely horrified by the situation, he couldn't help himself and his hips thrust up slightly. Fingers entwining in Harry's tousled hair, Sirius groaned, unable to fight off anything that was happening and went with it. “Harry!” Was the only thing he managed to stammer out.

Watching what was going on with the other two on the bed, Lucius grunted softly as he continued to fuck the tight ass of the young man under him. He, too, had given up even attempting to fight off whatever was going on and was going for getting all the pleasure he could out of the act. Biting his bottom lip, he began to fuck Harry's ass harder and faster. Making certain he was braced firmly on one hand, he reached under the younger man and pushed Harry's hand off his cock then took it in hand and began to stroke it for him. Eyes locked on Harry's mouth around Black's cock, he couldn't help but moan at the erotic sight.

Bobbing his head, Harry moaned around Sirius' cock when Malfoy began to stroke his. Grinding back on Malfoy's cock, despite the fact that there was still some burning with the act, he grasped hold of Sirius' where his mouth wasn't and held on, sucking for all he was worth.

Biting his bottom lip, hard, Sirius did everything he could to keep from thrusting into Harry's mouth. Watching what he could see of Lucius fucking his godson, he felt his balls start to throb madly. Yeah, this was coming to an end real fast despite the fact that blowjobs never got him off. Well, he supposed it was the spell, whatever it was.

Hammering into Harry's ass, Lucius began to grunt, sweat pouring off of him. Hissing through clenched teeth, hand working faster on Harry's cock, Lucius could feel his end coming. “Come on, cum,” He hissed, pounding harder.

Bucking against the cock in his ass and trying to hump into the hand on his own cock more, Harry was moaning loudly on the one in his mouth. Fingers clenched tightly into the bedding below him, he felt that knot deep in his belly burst then pleasure flood his whole system. Slamming back onto Lucius, he came, hard, crying out around Sirius' cock.

Feeling Potter's formally virgin ass seizing around his own throbbing flesh, Lucius threw his head back, let out a loud moan and came, bucking into the younger man as he flooded his ass.

Unable to stop himself, Sirius thrust up into Harry's mouth with a loud groan as he felt the vibrations around his cock then came himself, gasping Harry's name as he did.

As the three came, the room seemed to crackle with energy then flashed with a brilliant golden light. Blinking a couple times, the light then seemed to sink into the men on the bed until it vanished completely. After another flash of the bright red, the room then throbbed a couple times before dead silence, other than the panting from the bed, fell.

Sitting on the bed afterwards, Harry was doing up the buttons on his shirt with shaking hands, wincing each time he shifted around. His arse seriously hurt right about now. Looking down, flushed with embarrassment over what had happened, he couldn't look at either of the other men in the room. Alright, he was horrified and just wanted out of here!

Though disgusted with himself over what had taken place, Sirius quickly tugged his clothes on then walked over to his godson. Putting his hands on Harry's head, he tilted it up and looked at his godson. Seeing the expression there, he said, softly, “I'm sorry. That--I'm sorry. I don't know what spell is on this room, but whatever it is drove what occurred. I swear it won't happen again, Harry.”

Giving a snort as he made sure his clothes were in place, Lucius said, dryly, “Don't make promises you can't keep, Black.”

Looking at Malfoy, Sirius glared, then snapped, “It won't.”

“It will,” Lucius told him coldly. “That last part, as we finished, was a binding spell. I'm clueless as to what spells were on this room or which binding was done, but it is sealed. So, until we figure out which one it is and if it's one that's breakable, something I doubt, we can expect repeat performances of this.” Stopping, Lucius looked at the two, dour expression on his face then said, tone short and clipped, “We are stuck together.”

Glaring at Lucius, Sirius felt his heart start to hammer then a sick feeling clench his stomach. Shaking his head, he said a soft 'no'. It couldn't be! Though he was certain Lucius was right, he wanted to stay in the land of denial as long as he could before he had to face the realism.

Turning green, eyes widening, Harry glanced between the two and whispered a horrified 'no'. Once he was sure he could shove aside and move on from, especially since it was a spell that brought it on. More than once? Oh, hell no! He couldn't handle that. Shaking his head, he said, voice decidedly squeaky, “No, no, no, nononono no! Oh, no. I can't. No way!”

Hugging his godson, Sirius stroked his back, feeling ill himself. Sighing, he shook his head then said, “If there's a way to break it, we'll find it, Harry. I promise!”

Wide eyed, full panic taking over to where it was now really hard to breathe, Harry managed to stammer out, “He's on the other side! You're an escaped convict! We're either going to get turned over or you’re going to get arrested then Kissed! No! This-- something has to be done!”

Snorting, Lucius looked decided sour then said, tone dry, “It won't happen. The binding won't let it. I would bet my wand on it. I think can prove it.” Lifting his wand, he casually cast the Killing Curse at Black. Though the two stiffened up and looked panicked when the end of his wand turned green, the spell didn't manifest. Quickly, he then tried the Crucio. Same thing happened. Going from there, he did everything he could think of that went down the ladder on the scale of powerful to a simple Bat-Bogey hex. None of them would manifest at the two. When he ran out of things, he pointed his wand at a chair then sent off one of the blasting hexes he had tried on the two. The chair immediately exploded into tiny bits. Looking back, he said, huffing, “I can't hurt you. Turning Black in would be considered that. I image that if I even tried to open my mouth to say it, it wouldn't come out. Nor would it work with other means of communication. We. Are. Stuck. Together. At least for the foreseeable future.”

Looking from the chair, or what remained of it anyway, to Sirius then to Lucius, Harry slumped a little in relief. Then he flopped back down on the bed and covered his eyes before moaning, “I'm hexing Umbridge within an inch of her bloody life when I get back to the school!”

Glancing at Lucius, then to the chair, Sirius, sat down on the bed. Putting his head in one hand, he put the other on Harry's leg and rubbed it softly before saying, “I doubt you're going back to school, Harry. If the bond is that strong, it won't allow us to separate. You'll be coming home with me.” Lifting his head, he looked at Lucius then said, tone aggravated, “Lucius will probably have to as well. I don't see any way around this.” Stopping, seeing Malfoy glare at him though there was no argument coming from that direction, he finally said, “Look, we need to find Dumbledore and get something worked out here. This is a fucking mess! Even without this bond, this was a fucking mess!”

Plopping into a chair in an undignified way, Lucius looked at the two on the bed, pondering the nightmare his life had just become then asked, tone level but with a curious bent to it, “What did happen anyway? Why are you even here? I know there were no plans to involve you in this in any way.”

After removing his hands form his face, Harry propped himself up on his elbows then gave them the rundown of what happened. Looking between the two, he said, “I don't know what her bloody plans were but she was right; something big was happening.” Though, normally, he wouldn't have said anything in front of Malfoy, the fact was he was curious about what the hell was going on with Umbridge.

Taking that in, Sirius then looked at Malfoy and asked, “Did she know? I mean, as far as I know she's not a Death Eater.”

Giving a snort that the toad of a woman would be a Death Eater, Lucius shook his head then said, dryly, “She's not. Nor would she even know plans that involved this. How she found out I don't know. And why she would drop students into the middle of it is beyond me. There were no plans to involve anyone from your side in this. All we planned to do was get in, get a prophecy and get out, nothing more.” Looking at the young man again, he asked, “She knew? Or seemed to?”

“From what she said, it sure sounds like it,” Harry confirmed, looking between the two. “Bloody hell, we didn't even know where we were being sent or where we were when we got here. It wasn't until I spied you lot that things went pear shaped even further.”

Scrubbing a hand over his face, Sirius shook his head, “Shite. Lots of shite here. No doubt there. Look, we need to find Dumbledore to get some fucking help.” Looking at Lucius, he waited for some kind of objection but heard nothing. Standing, he said, “Come on, let's do that much and see where it goes.” Helping Harry to his feet, he then put a hand on his godson's back and guided him to the door.

Glowering at the two as they walked out, Lucius huffed then stood and followed. Once he got outside the room, he cast a spell that sent a message, something neither of the two could see, then trailed along, wondering just how much chaos had come down on his head.

Following the corridors, Sirius kept a reassuring hand on Harry's shoulder while talking to his godson quietly, trying to keep him calm. While walking, he couldn't help but feel more guilty as he saw Harry almost duck-walking. He figured it was residual pain over what happened and was feeling mildly ill over that even if he wasn't the one that buggered his godson. No, as soon as they got to Albus, he would get Harry something for it.

While they went along, he kept glancing back at Lucius. As far as he could tell, the elder Malfoy had done nothing to get hold of his side of things nor was he even attempting it. The worst that seemed to be happening was that the other man was scowling angrily. That he could understand! This was a disaster.

Rounding another corner, certain that the Rotating Room wasn’t far off, Sirius then stopped cold, eyes widening. Shoving Harry behind him, he drew his wand, glaring as Voldemort himself was walking towards them.

Huffing, Lucius stepped in front of Black. “Put it away. You're in no danger.” Though he doubted the high-strung Black would do such a thing, Lucius stayed in front of them and waited.

Stepping up to the trio, stroking Nagini's head where it rested since the snake was draped over him, Voldemort looked at the two behind his chief lieutenant then asked, “What happened, Lucius? You went missing after you went looking for Bella.”

Looking at the Dark Lord, Lucius pinched the bridge of his nose. “It's a long and complex story,” he finally huffed. Hearing Black talking to Potter about getting out of there, Lucius then sighed and said, “Tom?”

Glancing at the two behind Lucius, Tom's focus was drawn back to his chief lieutenant when his name was said, “Yes, Lucius?”

“You're frightening them,” Lucius said pointedly. “The glamour--” he hinted.

“Ah, yes, sorry,” Tom said, shaking his head. “I did forget.” Concentrating, he let the glamour slip away, revealing his true face. Looking at the two behind Lucius, both of whom look shell-shocked and stunned, he asked, “Alright, Lucius, spill it. What in the name of Merlin's gaily colored undies is going on?”

Standing there at that moment, Harry was certain his brain had just exploded. Not only did Voldemort have a real face, an older version of the shade he had seen from the diary during that nightmare in the Chamber, his voice-- There was only one way to explain that voice; caricature of a flaming hairdresser, lisp included. He was certain whatever had happened in that room had driven him nuts because this was not right!

Huffing, Lucius said, “A nightmare is what happened. I'll explain.” Quickly, he gave a rundown of what happened.

When Lucius finished, Tom grinned from ear to ear then giggled. “Oh, this is so delicious! I love it!” Squealing excitedly, he beamed, looking first at Lucius then to the other two.

Looking at his godson, eyes wide, Sirius then looked back at Voldemort, stunned. Yeah, the world as he knew it had just come to an end and he was now in the land of insanity.

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"Why Me?"