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Garden of Lilies	By : sappysappysappy Category: Harry Potter > Het - Male/Female > Snape/Lily Views: 7888 -:- Recommendations : 0 -:- Currently Reading : 0
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A Garden of Lilies
From the Journal of Severus Snape:

1st November, 1981
She is dead. Lily is dead.
It's midday. I've sat at my desk for hours now, doing nothing but stare at these six, short yet infinitely cruel words. Six words, and a seventh, hanging in the air, unwritten by my shaking quill. Lily. Why did she do it? Why? How could she sacrifice her chance at life for the sake of that mewling babe? James Potter's get is alive and kicking, while the light of my life lies cold and dead. It isn't fair. I hate her. She never even glanced at me. All she had eyes for were Voldemort (yes, Voldemort. I'll never name him 'My Lord' again!) and that accursed monster of hers in the crib. She's the one that's selfish, not me. She wouldn't have done this to me if she had a drop of compassion in her heart.
She'd always been the selfish one. Selfish, selfish, selfish!
I am nothing without her. The Bitch!
The empty page mocks me. What plans I had! Gone in flames and thunder; gone in a blaze of green. I wonder about the future, this empty future that threatens me, like a precipice of bleak, infinite desolation.
Who will come a calling on me now? Would it be my fellow Death Eaters, my dear fellows. How I'll welcome them. Maybe it will be sanctimonious Dumbledore. That selfish hypocrite.
And yet, reality intrudes on me with its mundane needs and routines. My stomach grumbles at me and my eyes flicker to the hearth and windows fearing Dumbledore or worse. What am I to do now? Dumbledore will expect me back at Hogwarts soon. He didn't seem to suspect my account; he was too gleeful about Voldemort's downfall and the scar over the babe's forehead to notice that I wasn't telling him everything. But what use was any of this now? It’s a comfort to know that James' corpse wouldn't get to hug her beneath the uncaring soil but she's still dead! I lost her; lost her to her foolish stubbornness and the Master's cruel wand. What good is having her like this? Her remains would never smile at me. Would never praise me or give me warmth. What good, to have her like this? What good?!
I went downstairs to look at her again. She's beautiful as ever. The Curse hadn't marred her visage at all. Maybe it even added a touch of mystery to it. Her glassy eyes and half smile seem to hint at secret truths that only she can know… I kissed her. After so long, how could I withstand those unresisting lips, that pert little nose and dimply chin and still blushful cheeks? I am vile. She was right to cast me away. No. It wasn't me. It was this night. She can't blame me for what happened.
I'm going mad here. I need to recenter myself.
What in hell and damnation happened? I still reel at the events of last night. I'll write it down here before I lose myself even more. I must unburden this heavy load crushing my aching heart. I must; otherwise... I'll crumble.
She's here because I took her. I must have lost my volition when that curse flew and went on acting according to 'the plan' like some damned automaton.
I never imagined it would come to this all those months ago. I was proud when I came up with The Plan. It was all going to work out my way for once, no matter how things went. Lilly would be safe… and grateful for that fact. If Dumbledore failed his promise I would be there for her, her only haven when Death came knocking on her door. She wouldn't be able to say no to me then. And so I went to my Lord and won my boon: he would spare her life when he snuffed the life of her damned baby. I spent every free moment I had devising and preparing the potion that would allow me to hoodwink Dumbledore and the rest. I never went anywhere without it after that, for fear that He might summon me on a moment's notice.
Dumbledore had to fail. Nobody could blame me for it when it happened. Didn't I give warning to Dumbledore what Voldemort was planning? And true enough, last night, it came to pass. Voldemort always gets his way in the end.
My mark burned. Crouch and Bella were already there when I appeared on the Potters' doorstep. Crouch, the little clown, rang the bell. It cost me much not to lift my wand when I heard James Potter asking who's there from the other side of the door. But I controlled myself and let my Master deal with him. Dead is dead, right? The sacrifices I made for you, Lilly.
Making the simulacrum of her body from her wedding ring finger and her sodding wedding ring after Bella ran off Gods know where was child's play with my variation of the Polyjuice Potion.
But all I got in the end is her body. I tried to revive her. I tried so hard. In the end all I could do was to charm and soak her in a Drought of Living Death but I cannot undo the Killing Curse. No one can. Even in death James still managed to snatch this last chance I had with her from me like he did everything else. Now I'm truly alone.
The walls of Spinner's End close down on me but I cannot escape.
Lily. Dead. Gone. Taken from me. I'm down here with her. Can I accept it? No, it cannot be, I cannot accept it and yet… I saw her lying there, pale and still, on the floor of Godric's Hollow. I saw the dread green light engulf her and heard my Master's death-laugh. Her eyes are now glassy, her dear chest silent, her soft skin clammy and cool. The sparkle is gone. It cannot be. It must not be! They promised me. They all promised, the Dark Lord, the Headmaster, even James and Sirius.
I knew Sirius' Word was rubbish but I thought James would keep his word, for her sake. No. It does not matter. What am I to do now?

2nd November, 1981
I've visited her again. She's so beautiful. She's so her. I cannot let go of her. I took her to my bed last night and cast a warming charm on her. I lay all night hugging her. I want her. I still want her. I almost started kissing her again. What is wrong with me?

5th November, 1981
I've decided. I cannot let her remain away from me. Not even death will prevent me from having her. I took her from James Potter. And now, now she's mine. I separated them, at last! Death will be nothing compared to that. I will bring her back somehow. I will. I promise it by my name and by my magic. She will be alive again and she will be mine.

6th November, 1981
To drag my Lily back from beyond the veil. To conquer death. These are not new ideas. Not by far. And who is to say they are wrong, who is to say they are impossible, unforgivable? Ignorant fools, the lot of them. As we lay together in my bed I poured in eager whispers our new plans into her adorable perfect ear. Oh, how glad we'll be, together at last! I know you'll give me the inspiration I need to accomplish this. You always brought out the very best of me.
I've ransacked my library for anything that might be useful and gathered it all in my basement. So much rubbish. So much fucking useless rubbish. What good are Inferi, those mindless reeking corpses, they are no better than repulsive Golems. Just weapons to spread terror and destruction. The rituals for summoning and binding spirits I found aren't much better either. None of them mention the possibility of restoring them to their old bodies. At most you can bind them to a stone or location. Anyway, Lily is not a ghost. She crossed to the other side, I'm sure of it, and I don't have a Resurrection Stone for Morgana's sake. All I have is my heart and apparently that's not enough. Rubbish. All rubbish. In my rage I burnt the lot of them.

7th November, 1981
I cried into her soft bosom for hours last night. I didn't sleep a wink. I won't give up. I can't! I swore I'd bring her back. On my name and very magic I swore it. I need to find a way. There must be an answer somewhere in the Dark Arts. There always is. Always.

Author's Notes: How do you like it so far? This story is going to go strange places. This will probably not be an Alternative Universe story, though what will happen behind closed doors is another story.
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Garden of Lilies