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Witches for two	By : Mumka Category: Harry Potter > Het - Male/Female > Snape/Hermione Views: 1104 -:- Recommendations : 0 -:- Currently Reading : 0
Disclaimer: Mature; closed door potential four-some

Chapter List
- 1-Witches for Two
- 1
Salazar's Snake they were bored.
Severus Snape, headmaster of the greatest wizarding school and right hand to the Dark Lord, downed the last of his firewhiskey. Beside him, Lucius Malfoy, the richest wizard in all of magical Europe, a collector of rare artifacts and left-hand to the Dark Lord, also languidly swirled his olive in his martini glass.
They were dressed to the nines and wasting away in Knockturn Alley's oldest Pureblood dive bar. And tonight, on the second anniversary of their Dark Master's Death Day, there wasn't a single soul celebrating on the whole street. If they were, they'd be shunned from Knockturn Alley for life for condoning the passing of their beloved, magical Che Guevara.
"What we need are some witches," ol' Lucius finally conjured up, courtesy of the martini.
Where they were going to get witches at this time of night, when not a soul was out on these cobbled streets, Severus didn't yet know. Only that, this was an adequate idea that begged expansion. Both of them were bachelors and in their prime. And Merlin, they were ravenous.
"Witches prefer to take their drinks in Diagon Alley," Severus pondered aloud.
"Why yes, but those witches prefer a good wizard." Lucius raised his brows and said, "And last I checked, the both of us are never going to be on that list."
"How lucky for us, there are such prime paragons," Severus said, a sly expression gracing his poignant features. "How convenient that one of us was a Potions Master some years ago."
"Ah, I sense a naughty idea brewing in that brilliant mind of yours."
"No use wasting a perfectly terrible scheme. Come along," Severus beckoned.
And in a flash of thunder and magic, they found themselves in Severus' old stores, where the appropriate potion was found and consumed. The wizards looked at themselves in the mirror.
"Well, hello, Mr. Potter; ready for your detention?"
"Red hair, hand me down books; you must be Ronald Weasley."
They exchanged a knowing look and cackled. Their night was about to get ten times better.

-x-x-x-

This night was not going to get any better. Hermione Granger and Luna Lovegood rolled their eyes at the seedy old Aurors, eyeing them up and down. That's when Rosmerta swooped in like a post-owl and scooped them right out the back door of the Three Broomsticks Pub.
"Looks like there's two empty seats for two lucky wizards," the busty barmaid said with a wink and refilled the girls' Butterbeers on the house.
"Are you thinking what I'm thinking?" Luna asked.
"If it has anything to do with Hinkypuffs, then no," Hermione jested. "But I do wish our lads weren't working so late at the Auror meeting."
"If they only had more free time."
"Wish they could have come out to celebrate..."
And just like that, Ron and Harry walked through the door. The witches exchanged knowing looks and waved to them, and when the two doofuses didn't see them, they dragged them over to their table.
"Harry, oh, how good of you to come," Luna said softly, stroking Harry's arm. "We were just talking about you."
"Only good things, I presume, my dove?" Harry said, kissing her fingers and winking his eye.
"Y-yes," Luna said quickly. "And Ron?"
"What did you tell old Shacklebolt?" Hermione asked eagerly.
"Shacklebolt should not be concerned with my business, lest he wish to have himself swiftly put into place," Ron said, a touch too sternly.
"Ron, that's harsh."
"Very well," Ron said, shrugging his shoulders.
The witches sipped their butterbeers, engaging in small talk and light flirtation, and then excused themselves to the loo. They shut the door softly and turned up the water taps.
"Is it just me, or is something bloody wrong with our lads?" Hermione asked.
"They've grown more mature since we last saw them."
"Mature? They're acting like two old men! It's like they've been switched."
"But Hermione, haven't we always complained about how nice it would be to see our boys turn into grown wizards? Maybe this real-world job is giving them a nudge in the right direction."
"I guess you're right," Hermione said with a shrug. "We do complain talk about that."
"It could be a nice change from having them talk about themselves and make Quidditch jokes all night long."
Luna was right, as much as she hated to admit it. And hey, maybe they were going to like this mature new Harry and Ron!

-x-x-x-

"They won't suspect a thing," Lucius said to Severus, though really he was just talking to himself.
"Miss Lovegood might not, but Miss Granger is far too clever," Severus said soberly. "Perhaps we should have chosen different witches for our ruse."
"But Severus, these witches are quite pretty and young, and I think my witch likes me very much." Lucius fixed his round glasses. "And for Cauldron's sake, stop referring to them as 'Miss such and such'. You sound like an old man."
"I am an old man."
"Not if you want your Horcrux pounded through the Veil and back, you're not. Look. There they come. Act natural." Lucius began to sip his butterbeer slowly, then blotted his lip with the napkin around his neck. "Yoo Who! Young gals!"
"Yes, our same-age companions, do care to join us," Severus-Ronald said, pulling out Hermione's chair and a magic spell. "Would you like another cold refreshment?"
Luna and Hermione looked at each other. "I'm good, if you are?"
"Sure! We'll get the bill, Rosmerta, and I had the crisps."
"Please, be seated!" Lucius- Harry all but cried in a manner of looming disrepute. "I will settle for us."
"Harry, be serious. It is I who should be paying for our gracious company tonight," Severus-Ronald insisted.
"I will not have it!"
"I insist!"
The witches watched this kerfuffle with great amusement. They'd never had someone fight over the bill in their presence. And finally, after all but wands had been drawn, Ron paid for the four. YES. Ron "I left my wallet in the common rooms." Weasley, of all wizards!
Then the party headed outside, where the cool air and the full moon had raised their spirits and put them up for a sense of adventure.
"Ah, the night is still young," Lucius insisted. "Is there a particular place you would like to visit next? Honeydukes, perhaps, for a sweet treat, or Madam Malkins... I hear they have some pretty new things available for purchase."
The witches exchanged yet another look, as many were and will be this odd evening.
"Those are a bit childish suggestions, don't you think?" Hermione said, who felt she was with Hagrid purchasing supplies for her first year at Hogwarts rather than on a date with her boyfriend. "We'd like to go somewhere special tonight. Somewhere we'd never been before."
"Yes, it is such a different day," Luna agreed.
Ron and Harry also exchanged a look, one that was far more devious and subtle than they let on. "Ah, well, we know just the place."

-x-x-x-

If its different they wanted, its different they'd get. Lucius and Severus knew just the right place—an experience the witches have never had and, if properly executed, they'd never forget.
"How did you find out about this spot?" Luna asked, a light look of bemusement spreading over her delicately lit features.
The sign of the establishment said: Rookwood's Gentlewizard Club.
"Is this the very same Rookwood from the Hogsmeade ring of the 1890s?" Hermione recalled. "The dark leader of the last century?"
"Yes, the very one," Severus-Ronald replied.
"I've always wanted to see the artifacts inside. I've read about them in A History of Hogwarts. Oh Ron, how did you know!?" She cried, squeezing his arm and tugging up his sleeve at the wrist.
The four entered the gentleman's club and were immediately halted at the front desk.
"Mister Potter and Mister...WEASLEY? And two young sorceresses, no doubt Miss Granger and her companion?" The old goblin said. "I think you're on the wrong side of the tracks. Honeydukes is the other way."
"Would you excuse me for a moment, my dear?" said Harry, kissing Luna's hand and disappearing into the backroom with old Meegle with a snap.
Once there, he waved his hand and transfigured his face back to the blond expression of the Malfoy senior. "Now, do you still want to send me off to Honeydukes, you curr dog?!"
Meegle fell to his feet, kissing his toes. "Oh, Master Malfoy, beggin' your pardon! I was just trying to ward off unfriendly faces from your established establishment."
"Now you know that you were a fool in doing so... No, off my boots, Meegle. We spoke of this. There. That's a good boy. Now, listen carefully. We have special company tonight. I need you to clear the place of all guests and treat our witches as though honey dripped from their lips and gold came from their toes."
"Yes, yes, Master, yes!" Meegle stumbled out and carried out the master's instructions.
The two witches entered the very empty Gentleman's Club and settled on the lush sofa in the corner.
"I didn't know you could do that." Luna said softly, still holding Harry's arm.
"When you are the Chosen One of the wizarding world, my dearest, there are doors open for you that you hardly knew existed," Harry said, planting quick kisses up her arm and to her neck.
"This is certainly a surprise, Ron! Much better than what we did last year," Hermione said as she settled into the nook of Ron's arm that was spread over the back of the sofa.
"You will find that I am very observant with regards to previous data and aim to...place your satisfaction in the...upper quartile of the curve of my statistical analysis." Ron said, gazing down at her with such feral intent, that Hermione was certain he'd devour her if not for the tiny couch cushion between their bodies.
"Would you excuse us?" The witches said it almost simultaneously and hobbled off to the loo, woozy from such direct advances.
Once in, Hermione once again did the ‘tap and lock’ trick and turned to Luna. "I'm 99.9 percent sure that Ron is actually Severus Snape in disguise."
"The headmaster!?"
"It's the way he speaks. That intonation and choice of words. And did you see how he flinched when I lifted his shirt sleeve to see his?" She whispered, "Dark Mark."
"Oh no, I was too busy wondering why Harry kept kissing me. He's usually so reserved."
"I place my bets that he's a disguised Malfoy. And probably the elder. Who else owns half of Knockturn Alley and has the power to clear an entire club for us?”
"Lucius?! He does like blonde witches. Oh Hermione, I'm getting a deja vu of being trapped in the manor by Death Eaters again."
"I think so," Hermione said slyly. "I have a plan that just might even the odds.”

And in that luxurious bathroom, a counter-plot was born.

-x-x-x-

“What could they be bickering about in there?” Lucius asked dreamily.
"Perhaps about the fact that two aged dunderheads had dragged them into a Knockturn adult club.”
"Oh, Severus, I don’t think they noticed. Else, why would they still be here?”
Severus pondered, “You’re correct; however, I have a heavy suspicion that Miss Granger knows well enough what we are and is awaiting her turn to 'tat' my 'tit'.” The Devil himself knew that an interested woman and a swig of alcohol made a Snape lose his resolve.
The witches had finally emerged and settled back down in their laps, powdered and pep. Fruity drinks and snackies were ordered, and giggles were to be had over all the things the boyfriends were going to do with the girlfriends.
Finally, Hermione leaned right over Severus’ chest and sent a brave, toe-curling stroke up his robe buttons. “We’ve been keeping a cheeky secret from you.”
"As you do,” he said.
"Remember how last year, you promised me something extra special for our anniversary, and your extra special didn't ...stand the test?"
Here, even Severus held his tongue in an act of male solidarity for his unfortunate double.
"We know just the way you can make it up," Hermione said. "We've now heard of Rookwood's collection of debaucherous potions, straps, and things, correct?"
"Correct," Severus-Ronald replied, his assessment of the situation tethering between it going absolutely, deleriously well, or horribly wrong.
"And you could make any of our fantasies come true with their help."
"Indeed," Severus said, a low growl accentuating his baritone.
She leaned in close, speaking through her lashes. "There's someone I always wanted to find myself in bed with. Someone strong. Someone mysterious. Someone capable. Someone like..." she leaned in close to his ear and gave it a quick peck. "Severus Snape."
"That bloody headmaster?!" These words came from 'Harry''s lips as 'Ronald', at present, was battling the overwhelming urge to sink into something warm and fleshy (namely the soil beneath the cobblestones).
"What?" Hermione cooed, "He is handsome. With his sharp wit and his firm grasp, it's made me wonder how he could take a witch to bed."
"And you believe you can handle such a challenge?!" Harry cried.
"I intend to try," Hermione said softly. "I am very committed."
"That you are," Ronald finally managed to say.
"I also have a fantasy," Luna said. "I'd always imagined myself...the same way, but with Mr. Lucius."
Harry let out a short laugh. "Did he not hold you captive in his dungeons two years ago?"
Here, Hermione stepped in. "But that was not enough for her." She flashed Luna a warning of 'get it together or we're going to blow it' before continuing. "You see, there is something so arousing about the thought of a bad man who's good for only you. Who could tear you apart or ravish you with the same pair of hands?"
"Y-yeah," Luna said, "it's a perfectly n-normal fantasy."
"And it would please us so much if you could be the ones to grant it," Hermione said. "But we could also go with your plan to indulge your senses. I could transfigure into Narcissa Malfoy and Luna into..."
"Bellatrix."
Here, the wizards decided to take a page from their book and disappeared into the loo. Shutting the door, they silently screamed into the abyss of their own stupid decisions.
"Those cunning harridans," Severus said, rubbing his temples. "I knew engaging that Granger would be the end of it."
"Or the beginning of something so wonderful," Lucius reasoned. "Think of it. How much would we enjoy the romp if we took them in these practically prepubescent, boyish bodies, so unacoustomed to the sensual pleasures that a witch could give us? We would have to pretend like we are two inadequate imbeciles who don't know our heads from our arses. Not to mention, one touch of his secret wand, and I'm certain Potter's entire aggregate would explode before I could even enjoy myself."
"Granger would have long left had she been opposed," Severus reasoned. "No, she is waiting for us to seduce them. She wishes to toy with us, like we are two cowards, and laugh when our heels spark before the lamplight. But we will show them. We will show them."
Severus twinkled his fingers. After some deliberation, the counter-potion was administered, and courage was wished before the wizards returned with equal fervor to the battleground.

-x-x-x-

"I don't think they're coming out," Luna sighed. "And I left my wallet at the Three Broomsticks."
"No, look, here they come."
And so they did: the Headmaster of Hogwarts and the richest man in wizarding England. They strode into the room and settled beside their witches, looping their arms around them like vines on a late-summer trelis.
"I hope my companion and I did not keep you waiting long, my doves," Harry-as-Lucius said, kissing Luna's neck.
"I made certain to take all details of the Headmaster's appearance into account," Ronald-as-Severus said, stroking Hermione's warm, round cheek.
"And so you did! You even sound like him," Hermione cooed. "You won't be too upset if we call you by their names as well."
"Upset? Who here is upset?" Harry-Lucius cried. "I, for one, enjoy the name Lucius. It has a certain ring to it."
"Severus. Why. It's like I was born to hold such a name," Ronald-Severus agreed.
And so Harry and Ronald became Lucius and Severus for the evening. With the initial wave of excitement still peaking, the wizards suggested they head up to view Rookwood's own chambers on the second floor.
They climbed up the winding, carpeted stairs that put them all in a daze and opened the old cherry-wood doors to a dimly lit chamber with a large, four-poster bed in the middle. And when they opened the closet to reveal Rookwood's 'torture' devices, Luna let out a squeal and clung onto Lucius' arm for dear life.
"Now, now, my cygnet. If a little whip and spike scare you, we could always move our 'extra special' anniversary plans to another place."
"Oh no," Hermione cried. "We'd love to be whipped. We dream of it all the time."
"And p-poked," Luna whispered. "With sharp things."
"Reaallly," 'Ronald' drawled, a tad too well for a one-night cosplay. "Show us."
He came to the bed and drew back the freshly laid-out sheets. "Strip yourselves and get under the covers, you naughty witches."
Luna and Hermione exchanged glances, then slowly made their way over to the bed.
What are we going to do? Luna mouthed as she slid her blouse from her chest and began to unbutton her skirt.
Go along with it, for now, Hermione said, clipping off her brassiere and tossing it on the bedsheets.

-x-x-x-

What are we going to do? Lucius mouthed to Severus as they stood before the wall of medieval sex- tools with a license to murder.
Follow along with it for now. Severus mouthed back and picked the most kosher item from the wall: a leather belt with a hard metal buckle. For Merlin's sake, they didn't want to slaughter the poor bitches with a bludgeon or rusty handcuffs with no key.
For Lucius, he selected a taut rod with a bow at the end. Innocent enough.
He whipped his belt against a nearby wall to soften the leather. Behind him, covers and sheets rustled.
"What's taking so long?"
"Quiet witches," Severus boomed in his 'fifty point deduction' voice, "or we will toss your clothing into the fire and send you home bare like baboons."
"Oh, that wasn't very nice." This was Luna's tearful hint to her admission.
Lucius held up his fist at his companion before adding. "I am sorry, my dove. He didn't mean it."
"Yes, we are coming out now." Severus said, a touch softer. "I hope we don't have to punish you for disobeying."
"No, no, we took everything off."
"You swear it."
"Come see for yourself."
With that, they reentered the room to see the witches hiding behind the flat sheet, shivering like bunnies. With one swift wave of the hand, Severus tossed the sheet aside and, with the other, turned up the fire in the pit.
The witches were indeed very pretty and seemed willing enough. Such smooth shoulders and perk kneecaps and well-positioned fingers.
"You say you have dreamed about being whipped?" Severus said it firmly.
"Y-yes."
"Yes sir." He flicked his finger. "Then turn around and let us spank you."
The witches did as they were told, spreading their creamy bottoms before them.
What do we do now? Lucius mouthed.
What we said we'd do, Severus muttered, resisting spanking Lucius bottom and Apparating home without dessert.
They stared at their whips. They stared at the bottoms. They really did not want to whip the bottoms. Their bottom-whipping days ended two years ago, this very day. But still, it was a momentous day, and rituals needed to be kept sacred, so with a quick resolve, Severus dealt the first strike.
Hermione made a sound somewhere between a satisfied gasp and a disgusted grunt. Whatever it was, it was clearly contagious enough for all the members involved.
Lucius dealt the second blow, and Luna's squeal had made it very clear to everyone in the room that this was going to make for a short night if they continued in this fashion.
"That's enough of the punishment for now. I'm sure those witches have learned their lesson," Lucius said.
"Oh, please, sir, don't stop there," Hermione continued. "We have both been very bad girls. Haven't we, Luna?"
"Yeah, bad indeed."
"How bad?" Severus questioned.
"We've stolen your potion ingredients, professor."
"Yeah, and we've not turned in our essays on time."
"And we've been sitting in our rooms all day and..."
"-touching our-"
"-selves."
"Yeah."
Lucius whispered to Severus, Am I also a Hogwarts professor in this scenario?
Severus rubbed the sweat off his forehead. "Indeed, witches, that is not so terrible that it deserves punishment."
"We refuse to punish you, my darlings," Lucius said, releasing his whip.
"Oh, but that is just the beginning," Hermione continued. "We were actually very bad." Here, she turned around, facing the two. "Do you remember the times you came home drunk from the Death Eater meetings and couldn't find the keys to your chambers? Well, Luna and I had changed the wards around so you wouldn't be able to enter and had to sleep in the staff room."
I bloody do remember that, Severus thought to himself.
"And the time that you found random objects in the manor cursed to explode when you touched them—rare artifacts? Well, Hermione and I had put on those curses," Luna said, in a brazen fit of courage. "We wanted you to lose all your precious artifacts."
Not my artifacts, Lucius thought darkly.
"Yes, we've been watching you and making sure your lives weren't so cushy."
"We wanted to make you pay."
"You conniving witches," Severus said slowly. "You've certainly kept busy."
"And what's more, all those nights you were out at the Auror—at work—we've been keeping ourselves busy...."
"With each other," Luna added quickly.
"Really?" A slow grin spread over Lucius' face. "We don't believe you."

-x-x-x-

Hermione gave Luna a quick look. What the hell was she thinking, making a suggestion like that? Whatever it was, it had sparked attention away from the whips and towards something the two wizards seemed to enjoy more.
There was nothing more to do than to claim the better of two evils. Scooting over to Hermione, Luna pushed back her hair and gave her a quick peck on the lips.
"We can hardly expect any busy work at that rate," Severus said, settling on the edge of the bed.
Hermione looped her leg between Luna's thighs and settled on her lap. Pinning her down, she bit into her lips, moaning and letting the wet clumsy slobber trickle down their cheeks as she kissed her lips over and over again. Here, Luna grabbed Hermione's bottom and squeezed her cheeks, massaging them between her palms.
The wizards watched them, entranced by their performance and too stunned to speak.
"Well, are you satisfied now?" Hermione said. "We were very unfaithful pets."
"Unfaithful indeed," Severus said. "Come now; I am certain I can provide you with more satisfaction than your female companion."
Here, he pulled Hermione into his own lap and trailed his tongue into her mouth. She struggled for a second before succumbing to the embarassing realization that she was enjoying this so much.
Beside them, Lucius had taken up with Luna, trailing his fingers along her sides as she worked to unbutton and unzip his expensive robes.
"Or perhaps," Lucius said, "we can compromise. After all, it is an anniversary."

-x-x-x-

Harry and Ron, the real Harry and Ron walked into the Three Broomsticks, ready to meet with their girls. Instead, they were met with a 'back already' and 'without the girls this time?" from Rosmerta.
Well, what did she bloody mean by back and already? If they hadn't taken off with Hermione and Luna, who had?
"I feel something very bad has happened to our girls," Ron said, drawing his wand.
"Somehow, I feel like old Snivellus is at fault." He had not been present with the rest of the Auror lads at the boozer-err meeting in honor of Voldemort's death.

-x-x-x-

Somewhere in Knockturn Alley, the girls were 'just fine'. And by 'just fine', we mean 'politely railed against the headboard by two very capable wizards who had no trouble locating witches nor entertaining them.
As it seemed, the witches had not been too keen on keeping themselves hidden beneath the sheets forever and had decided to embrace the evening in full flavor, being stroked with the whips in all places and riding out their companions to the Veil and back. And with a final bated breath, they all collapsed into bed and fell fast asleep.
In the morning, it had been tactfully brought up as to why the wizards had not transfigured back into Ron and Harry. Well, the answer was simple: they had simply enjoyed their disguises so much that they decided to wear them for the rest of the day.
After breakfast in bed and another lap around the racetrack, the company set out into Diagon Alley, where the witches were now amenable to enjoy sweets at Honeydukes and buy new things at Madam Malkins (and even sneaking a peek into Flourish and Blotts was on the itinerary).
It was a perfect death day for four magical people, but not for two unfortunate Aurors.
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Witches for two