Reviews for Slightly more perverted "Harry Potter" Reboot

BY : Artemis1990


  • From saxman66 on August 18, 2018

    Very much like this story with the twists from the original and character developments. Hope to see a lot more. :)  However do you mind a few questions please?

     

    a) I wonder why Snape was trying to sabotage Harry at the Quidditch game? Given that here he is actually a friend it does seem rather out of character and especially odd as it could even threaten Harry with harm. Possibly he thinks he's being watched and needs to play a role? Or its a carefully controlled action to prevent Harry having too high a profile but that does look unlikely?

     

    b) I'm not sure why Ron seems so convinced he and Ron would be good friends, especially considering their not meet before and are now in different houses?

     

    c) The compulsory ban on underwear seems a strange and counter-productive rule. Especially for the more developed girls its going to cause problems plus potentially for anyone engaged in sports or other physical activity.


     

    I hope your not going to have too much sexual activity too soon as I think the main characters are too young and also it would be out of character for both of them. Hermione's early adoption of the no underwear rule has given each of them an awkward moment which the other has noticed but their been too embarrassed to admits what was wrong fits in nicely with the story but too much more would seem too forced.



    Report Review


  • From Carolina on May 09, 2018

    Love this story so far! Keep up the good work and I hope to see more soon!



    Report Review


  • From Murky on May 02, 2018

    I first had my doubts about this story, but you are doing some really good work. I enjoy the new ideas like harry getting sorted into Hufflepuff. I do have a few questions. First question will luna show up earlier in the story?Second question I read earlier that there may be one other girl that likes harry will that be Ginny like it is in cannon? Finally the dress code is that a plot device for later chapters or is it there for "pervy fun?" That is all the questions I have for now.

                             /Murky



    Report Review


  • From Kevin_Thunder26 on September 08, 2017

    Why on Earth isn't Harry on the Quidditch Team!?!?!? 



    Report Review


  • From SavioDevil on August 24, 2017

    As a non native english speaker myself, I find your writing very good. Much better than I would surely do.

    The main points where you could improve is making your story telling speed more consistent and raising the quality of your plot by introducing more of your own elements to it. I like a slowly developing epic story line with many detailed multi-layered parallel plots with different actors, that have their own agenda.

    In the first chapters you seemed to recount some selected events with your variation applied to it. This is fine, but only for a very small amount of chapters, just until you establish your own plot line. For me you did that to long and I could not detect any reason as to why certain original plot elements are important in your story line. I got the impression that you are just summarising the original plot with some exchanged characters and different but similar results instead of developing your own story line.

    You seems to just jump forward in time to every original event instead of writing what happens between those events in your story. This is where your own plot should unfold. Dont skip over it.

    I started skimming over the last 4 chapters because your story was not engaging enough for me, but I still had hope that something completly unforseen and suprising happens. But as far as I can tell, it did not.

    You are a good writer, but at least for me a not so good story teller.

    Try to capture your readership more by risking something. Maybe more erotic elements (not necessarily sex, if you don't like the chacters having it at that point in time, just teasing, fighing unwanted arousal, lusting for each other, embarrasing situations, ...), maybe just more humor and cometic elements, maybe more deviation for the original story by inserting you own plot elements into it, maybe something completly crazy that breaks every rule in the fictional fan fiction rule book and was never written down before. Just own your story more. Give it some life.



    Report Review


  • From MrHawkeye on May 28, 2017

    Great story hope to see more soon



    Report Review


  • From doubledamn on May 01, 2017

    You've double posted chapter 14.



    Report Review


  • From 2CRsgt on April 21, 2017

    This is just a slow rewrite of JKR's work with minor changes. Not very origional. A better title would be 'A Slightly Different Harry Potter'. On AFF your present title is very misleading and the story is boring.



    Report Review


  • From Veraq on April 18, 2017

    So your writing is pretty much ok, but there were some things, I noticed, that maybe you could improve:

    You tend to mix up past tense and present tense.
    The 's' at the end of a verb is only for the 'he/she/it' form, so 'he/she/it seperates', but 'I/you/we/you/they seperate'.
    Also, as for things like 'you might want to keep that 1 hidden'; please don't. Writing "one" instead of "1" looks so much better, although the numbers aren't technically wrong. (I think)
    One of my pet peeves is time spans, things like "The headmaster pointed his wand in the direction of the stairs for a few minutes..." Just try and sit down for say three minutes and do nothing but point a pen at something without moving.

    The tense problem has become better since you got a beta, but I also noticed it with "Guilty Pleasure".

    Overall your english is a bit clunky, but very readable. If you want to improve on that, I can recommend just reading some fiction, like LoTR, or just looking up some grammar sites on the net.

    There are also some minor logical slips, like that the corridor is more than wide enough to evade Dumbledore by simply standing flat agains the wall, if it is wide enough to end in double doors. Another example would be Fluffy's door making no sound when opened from the outside, or closed from the inside, but only when it's opened from the inside. Or Harry being a "recently turned twelve years old", when his birthday isn't for somthing like seven more months.
    There are also a few hickups with your characters, weird reactions that just don't fit, like Harry saying 'It's the thought that counts' after getting Hermione's christmas present, instead of just being happy about his first present ever, for example.

    But now, unto the important stuff.

    Canon is a bit of an interesting thing. You do a good job, to not just repeat the canon events, but on the other hand, I'm always a bit disappointed, when they just happen in some other form at the end. I think, you could do a great job, just staying less close to canon. After all, nothing bad happens, if Harry never gets involved with the Philosopher's stone and just has his own, completely different adventure. You could also just ignore some things, like Norbert for example. On the other hand, it's clear, that Dumbledore is manipulating Harry into eventually confronting Voldemort, but I'd love to see, what you'd do, if you decided not to reuse any canon scenes.

    The other thing is Snape. Since he is essentially a good guy, his actions don't really fit his person, in my opinion, and I think, he'd be much better, if you changed him slightly: A bit of a better teacher, since he doesn't hate everyone in this fic (maybe just have him correct people before they make mistakes; it doesn't have to be polite), tone down the point deductions, they (50 points for not chopping ingredients correctly) are way over the top, even for normal asshole Snape. (Harry, Ron, and Neville were hated by their house for weeks, because they lost 150p.) Get rid of Snape's obvious emotional tells, like trembeling hands, he is a master at covering his emotions.

    But overall, I really like this story, especially the small things, like someone FINALLY catching anyone, who drops off their broom, instead of just letting them fall down, like in every second HP book. But I like those scenes like Hermione masturbating on her broom, or Harry looking up her skirt even more. Their reactions and general behavior are very well written, and the former are quite funny, too.

    So in the end, I'm looking forward to new chapters for both of yours stories.

    Thanks for writing and uploading.

     



    Report Review


  • From MrHawkeye on March 19, 2017


    Just love it.Great story so far, Can't wait for the next update
     



    Report Review


  • From ANON - Andrea on January 07, 2017

    4 chapters in, your story is going well so far, a bit slow but thats ok. I found the entire first chapter to be a repeat of the books, which was dissapointing.

    whats really frustrating is that you are writing in present tense.

    "Harry picks up a book and begins reading" should be "Harry picked up a book and began reading"

    Past tense is just so much easier to read.

    Im not trying to be too critical, just trying to help you improve your story telling.  :)



    Report Review


  • From ANON - Kairou on November 21, 2016

    This is a great story, I hope you will start releasing more updates more often.



    Report Review


  • From Edward_Dorian_Grey on October 05, 2016

    Hi, just wanted to say that I really love your story so far. I am really looking forward to seeing the next chapter. 



    Report Review


  • From ANON - Pathos on September 27, 2016

    Oh this was simply fantastic to binge read. I guarrantee I'll be reading it along with each chapter if I can, even if it wasn't the thoughtless smut I originally thought, it's a really nice read honestly. And you were considering a beta not long ago I noticed, if it isn't too presumptuous, I might suggest myself for such a position if it isn't too much to ask, I feel like I'd be perfect for the job. ^w^ Either way, this is simply fantastic. Good job, and keep up the good work.



    Report Review


  • From ANON - 1stHorseman on September 14, 2016

    Awesome story. Great pacing as well as original ideas such as a Hufflepuff Harry. Hope to see more soon.



    Report Review