The Pains of Becoming

BY : Audrey
Category: Harry Potter > Het - Male/Female
Dragon prints: 4926
Disclaimer: I do not own Harry Potter, nor any of the characters from the books or movies. I do not make any money from the writing of this story.

This is the first chapter of my first adult fan fiction. Hurray me! This chapter is only very short but the next ones will follow as soon as Sajahi has betaed them. -Thanks to her at this point for doing the job!

BTW this is set between book 4 and 5.

Chapter 1
An Enquiry

Kirsty Flame was being deliberately slow in packing away her potions supplies. She wanted to stay behind when the rest of the class had left the classroom. One by one the seventh years left and it grew increasingly quiet. Eventually it was only her and Professor Snape at his desk, he had already occupied himself with grading the essays the students had handed in as they left.
She got up and walked towards him, essay in hand. Her heart was pounding in her chest, this wasn’t about handing in her essay. It also wasn’t about the general fear, many students felt for Professor Snape, Kirsty had no reason to fear her head of house. He generally used students from houses other than his own, to relieve his frustrations on. It was true that Gryffindor students often complained, feeling Snape treated them worse than others. What they didn’t see was that Slytherins had it hard with Snape, too. He expected a lot from them and instead of humiliating them in public or taking house points, he would just give them detentions and apply pressure when there was no one else to see.
This didn’t concern Kirsty as much as other students. She was doing well in all subjects, maybe she was not at the top of any class but she was a stable average and therefore also never really got any attention. She was, in truth, average in all sorts of ways, never standing out from the crowd. She was also generally quiet. She wasn’t shy, no that wasn’t it, she just didn’t really bond with anyone, she couldn’t relate to the other students, it just seemed like they were different from her in so many ways and she rather chose to keep to herself.
And yet Professor Snape was someone she got nervous around every time he was near. She had had no negative experiences with him, but there was a potential threat constantly felt and maybe it was that she had never experienced one of his psychological attacks. It had become something that scared her, probably more than it scared those who where used to it.
Of course she would never do anything to deliberately provoke his anger, but now as she walked towards him, her essay in hand, she was frightened, because she was going to provoke something and she had no idea what the outcome would be. But she had thought long about it and she had decided she simply had to do it.
“Professor”, she said quietly and most embarrassingly, with clear fear in her voice. He looked up at her, waiting for her to put her essay on the pile that was already on the desk, but she hesitated and only looked at him. “What?”, he asked eventually.
“Can… can I… I… I need to speak with you.” She managed to force out.
He looked at her. He obviously took her seriously. He put down his quill and waited for her to speak again.
She didn’t know where to start. Her gaze fell on the inside of his forearm where his sleeve covered the DarkMark. He noticed her stare and pulled his arm slowly off the table. Out of her view.
“Miss Flame?”
“Sorry, I… the thing is…”, there was no safe way of putting what she wanted to ask him, she just had to get it out, “I have heard the Deatheaters are reforming themselves”, he only continued to look at her, “Do you know anything about it?”
“Don’t worry. You’re not in any danger here”, he said, assuming she was just scared over the rumours and he picked up his quill to resume his work.
“I’m not worried, Sir.” He looked back up at her, “ I just wondered… if you knew anything about it.” She finished somewhat lamely
“What is it you want? Precisely”, he asked edging towards irritation at her strange questions.
“Forgive me, Sir. Everyone knows, of course that you… you have some kind of connection…”
“I will not talk to you about such things!” he cut her off firmly.
“I was just thinking… I am interested… if you have a way of… I would like to know…I am interested…if you know what I mean.” She couldn’t get herself to speak it aloud, she was only barely clinging to the hope that Snape was still in with the deatheaters. There was nobody else she knew, who could help her to get in touch with them. She just didn’t know if he was still loyal or if he had truly turned. He guessed what she was trying to say.
He stood up slowly, towering over her with a very stern face. She was now eyelevel with the black fabric of his jacket and an unending line of small black buttons.
“Listen to me carefully, Miss Flame”, he said in a quiet, but deadly, voice one that gave her the shivers. She looked up reluctantly, “Whatever you are thinking you could gain from … going that way, get it out of your head here and now. I don’t care to repeat what exactly it is you are asking me, but believe me, I got the message. The legion of deatheaters is not a Quidditch team, something that you join to get some thrills out of life.” She opened her mouth to object but he didn’t let her, “And I certainly hope that you do not actually support their beliefs, or do you?”
“Do you?” she asked so quietly it was hardly audible, yet she immediately winced inwardly, how could she say that?! It had just slipped out.
He twitched briefly and his stern eyes had started to stare, intently at her.
“Don’t you dare”, he hissed through gritted teeth. Her heart was beating in her throat.
“I’m sorry”, she breathed.
“I should slap you for that.”
She looked down and repeated: “Sorry, Professor.”
He looked down on her for a moment, wondering what to do with her then he continued once more calm.
“I suppose that it is not exactly a secret that I used to be…. on The Dark Lord’s side… a long, very long time ago. Though I have no intention of discussing the old days with a student. However, as someone who’s been there, let me tell you, being a deatheater is certainly not the solution to your problems. DON’T - GO - THERE”, he repeated, every word clear and distinct, as though he tried to imprint it into her brain.
“You are a child, you can not know what it would mean, and what you’d have to give up, besides,” he paused and looked at her, cold and distant again, “It is simply not an option, do you hear me?”
She felt a knot in her throat now as she lowered her head. Was it as simple as that? Becoming a death eater was not an option? No, it wasn’t that simple, it was an option, theoretically. But Snape obviously wasn’t going to help her. How she hated rejection, because rejection was all she knew. Nobody ever wanted her for anything. Was there nothing about her that someone would find important? A tear rolled down her cheek. Snape sighed quietly; he was neither skilled, nor comfortable with crying teenage girls.
“Your essay, Miss Flame.” He stated dryly. She put it on the pile without looking up from the floor now. She needed to hide her face. She knew she had to leave now; he was not going to talk to her anymore. And somehow, she wished now that he had slapped her. At least he would have given her something, even if it was a stinging cheek, she would have left with something, as she turned away though, all she felt was painfully empty.


I know this is not much so far but the next 5 chapters are already on their way, I hope you come back for more and please review! THX

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