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Golden Hearts	By : BetaBloodLust Category: HP Canon Characters paired with Original Characters > Slash - Male/Male Views: 3689 -:- Recommendations : 0 -:- Currently Reading : 0
Disclaimer: See Full Disclaimer Below--Any chapters containing explicit material will begin with warnings for the wary

Chapter List
- 15
- 16
- 17
Disclaimer: I do not own Harry Potter, nor do I own the characters within the Harry Potter series. J. K. Rowling owns the Harry Potter series and all original characters introduced within the series. I make no money from this story. All noncanonical characters are fictional fabrications. They belong to me. Any resemblances to real persons or groups of people are coincidence and should be summarily disregarded, and the doppelganger perpetrators should be shot for impersonating my creations. Have a nice day.

Golden Hearts: Chapter 16: Facing Fears

Arumus followed Severus through the hallways that led from his office to the corridor containing the entrance to the Slytherin common room. Severus stopped at the concealed door and turned to face Arumus.

"Have a pleasant evening, Severus," Arumus said, gazing up into Severus’ dark eyes and wishing that he could stay in his intriguing, yet soothing, presence.

"You as well, Arumus. Good night," Severus replied. Arumus turned away, but he thought Severus continued to watch him until the common room door closed silently behind him.

Arumus spoke the password and walked into the green light of the deserted Slytherin common room alone. He glanced toward a slight movement in a nearby chair and realized the room still had one inhabitant. Jordan stood and stretched, his copy of Intermediate Transfiguration falling out of his lap and onto the floor.

"I wondered where you were... You ran a little long, huh?" Jordan walked carelessly toward him, seeming puzzled by something.

Arumus nodded.

Jordan reached out, placing a finger under Arumus' chin and tilting his head up slightly. Suddenly his eyes flashed with mischief and Jordan bent, kissing his friend directly on the lips.

Arumus felt a surge of rage, and uncontrolled, his open palm caught Jordan across the cheek. "Never," He warned in a quiet, cold voice, "Do that again."

"Ah, of course not." Jordan laughed nervously, but something in his eyes was satisfied. "I just thought you needed to remember that you are Mr. Cool. You had a strange look in your eyes." He smiled wryly. "If I didn't know better..." But he didn't complete the thought at the piercing glare Arumus was throwing his way. Instead, Jordan threw up his hands defensively.

Arumus was unaware that his eyes had taken on that freezing, searching look. "If you didn't know better...?" He prompted.

Jordan's face lost a little color. "I was just going to say... If I didn't know better, I'd think you had a girl on your mind, but I know you don't have room in your head for that, what with all the books you read..." He laughed a little weakly.

"Ah. I see." Arumus paused, and then added in a kinder tone, "Thank you for being at least partially honest, Jordan."

"No problem." Jordan relaxed. "You know, Arumus, you can be a little scary sometimes." He chuckled.

Arumus arched a brow. "Really...?" His eyes lit up mischievously. "Are you frightened of me, Jordan?" He asked in a light, teasing voice.

"Terrified," Jordan replied sarcastically. He stretched again, then stooped to pick up his book. "Well, I'm off to bed. You coming?"

Arumus nodded, following Jordan into the boys' dormitory. He entered the first years' room quietly, listening to the light breaths of sleep as he placed his book bag beside his trunk, undressed, and climbed into his four-poster. He silently wondered why Jordan would think he had something as annoying as a girl on his mind as he drifted off to sleep.

A possible answer came to him when he awoke shortly after dawn. Maybe Jordan had noticed the pack of first and second year girls who liked to giggle at him anytime he said anything in their presence. He thought it should be pretty obvious that he had more important things on his mind. Like books, and lessons...

He dressed, careful not to wake anyone, and went to wait for his friends in the common room. He read another two chapters of Theory while he waited. Jordan and Percival came into the common room looking excited. They approached him, taking seats across the small table.

"Morning." Percival said.

"And what a pleasant morning it is!" Said Jordan.

"And what makes this anymore grand a morning than any other?" Arumus asked, marking his place with the signed piece of parchment Severus had given him the previous evening.

"We've figured out Draco's nasty little secret," Jordan said offhandedly.

"Really?"

"Yes," Percival replied. "There are two possibilities. Either he has a serious crush on you, or he's afraid of you! I will admit that we consider these things to be simultaneously possible..."

Arumus' eyes smiled. "What makes you think that?"

"Well, Jordan told me about making you angry last night..." Percival chuckled. "You are a gentleman. I think I would have punched him in the stomach." He winked at Jordan.

Jordan shrugged. "I think such a mild reaction only increased the fear-factor. Like you were holding back serious rage." He sounded impressed.

Arumus shook his head, muttering, "I was, you silly idiot."

Percival sighed. "I wish I had stayed up to wait so I could have witnessed someone actually reject Jordan. I've always said he's too good looking for it to be fair."

"You both are exceedingly twisted," Arumus said, feeling slightly used.

"We know that. So, you ready for breakfast?" Jordan asked.

"Yup," Arumus said.

They stood and made their way to the Great Hall. Arumus didn't feel very hungry, so he ate a piece of toast and pushed some scrambled eggs around his plate. He felt distracted, and he couldn't stop thinking about his conversation with Severus the previous evening. However, he pulled himself together and headed off to Transfiguration with Professor McGonagall.

He thought he was one of the few Slytherins who actually liked the stern house head of Gryffindor. Arumus naturally appreciated brilliance, and McGonagall was nothing if not a brilliant woman. Many despised her sternness and confused that emotion with the idea that they simply did not like her, but Arumus thought he might understand why she always insisted that there should be "No nonsense in my class, or you will leave and never come back." He thought she and Severus had more in common than they would readily admit.

He sat next to Jessica Rifley, one of the few first year girls, a Slytherin, who failed to giggle at him. She was generally untalkative, so Arumus spent the lesson in almost complete silence, only speaking when he performed incantations for McGonagall. She stopped halfway through the class and looked down at the button he had successfully transformed into a fat, green beetle. She had already seen his black beetle, and he had been bored, so he tinkered with the incantation a bit until he could choose the color himself.

"Arumus, your beetle is green." McGonagall glanced sharply into his eyes, speaking quietly.

"Yes, Professor, I believe it is green." Arumus said calmly.

"How did you alter the incantation?" She asked, her eyebrows lifting slightly.

"I changed two syllables in the incantation to get it to work, Professor." Arumus had never made the mistake of calling Professor McGonagall ma'am, though he had heard of others who had.

"Two syllables? Then I assume you can choose any color you desire?" She seemed slightly impressed.

"Yes, Professor."

Professor McGonagall regarded him for a moment in silence, and then she spoke. "Were you any other student, Arumus, I would not allow such experimentation in my class. However, I noticed your aptitude at once, and Severus has spoken to me about your particular circumstances. You've a talent for more than Transfiguration, it seems. Good work," she said, moving on. Arumus thought that was the closest thing to a compliment he had ever received from McGonagall. Perhaps it was a compliment.

After Transfiguration, Arumus sat through History of Magic. He often wondered why he was the only one of his classmates who seemed to take notes. He did think Professor Binns a bit dull, but history was not dull. It was, he thought, one of the most interesting subjects of all, though it was always admittedly dry coming from the old ghost. Arumus had read copious amounts of history books, however, so he never really got bored. Further, Binns knew his subject, and he often brought new and interesting insights and recommended further reading, though his tone of voice rarely changed.

Arumus left History of Magic and made his way to the Great Hall for lunch. He spotted Jordan and Percival. Jordan was talking to Draco. He casually caught Arumus' eye and winked. Arumus wondered what kind of mischief he was planning. Draco seemed to be rather angry, as his cheeks were flushed. Arumus walked up to them.

"Hello Draco," he said in a rather formal tone.

"Hello, Arumus," Draco replied, and from his tone, Arumus could tell that he was livid. "May I speak with you?"

Arumus frowned at Jordan, who merely grinned in reply. Arumus didn't really wish to be alone with Draco, but he couldn't see any way around it without being rude. "Of course, Draco."

Draco nodded and stalked out of the Great Hall, leading Arumus to a seemingly rarely used classroom and slamming the door. He rounded on Arumus. "What is going on between you and Jordan?"

Arumus was surprised by Draco's vehemence. "Nothing," he replied simply.

Draco seemed equally surprised by Arumus' answer. "But he said... well, he implied--"

Arumus waved a hand dismissively. "Jordan says many things, Draco. And don't believe a word he implies unless you know it is true." He shrugged. "He is rather devious, and he enjoys it when people do take his implications seriously."

Draco met his gaze, and Arumus realized that he was, once again, feeling the nearly uncontrollable desire to touch his cousin. He moved closer to Draco and touched his cheek, running his finger down his face and placing his palm against the side of his neck, feeling the pulse beneath flutter against his thumb.

He pulled Draco closer and kissed him quite thoroughly. Arumus pulled back ever so slightly and spoke softly. "Draco, you should not seek to be alone with me. You may regret it."

"Never," Draco replied, and Arumus saw the conviction in his cousin's eyes.

Arumus smiled his slight, small smile. "We shall see, Draco. We shall see..." Arumus kissed him once more, biting his lip not quite hard enough to draw blood, and then he stepped back, removing the temptation to do things he had so often done in his dreams. His heart was racing, and Draco must have sensed his weakness because he stepped forward, shrinking the space between them again to nearly nothing.

Arumus felt his rage building, and he had his wand in his hand and pressed against Draco's chest in the blink of an eye. He spoke, and his voice was cold with his fury. "Do not move, or you will regret it. That I promise..."

Draco just gazed at him, the silent, pleading expression so clear in those gray eyes. Arumus fought the desire that welled up so suddenly to unleash the intensity of his wrath upon Draco. Instead, he stepped back once more, and then again, feeling the door behind him. He felt for the handle and moved aside as it swung open. He left Draco standing alone in the unused classroom, silently watching him leave.

Arumus did not return to the Great Hall. He retreated to the quiet and calm of the library instead, hoping that the silence would sooth his anger, his desire, and calm the rapidity of his heartbeats. As he wandered among the isles, he began to relax. Finally, he buried himself in a history book recommended by Binns about the one of the numerous goblin rebellions. He spent his free hour in the library as well, finishing the book.

Shortly before Potions, Arumus gathered his things and left the library. He threw himself into the work as soon as Severus finished a brief lecture explaining the various ingredients of the Healing Draft, a potion that would cure various light wounds.

He avoided dinner, once more retreating to the library. He spent a good thirty minutes reading two more chapters of Theory of Magic. Then he left and made his way to Severus' office. He knocked upon the door, knowing he was early but not truly caring.

"Come in, Arumus," Severus said.

Arumus opened the door and walked into the dark room. "Severus, how did you know it was me?"

"Some people have a very specific knock," Severus said, his mouth twitching ever so slightly.

Arumus nodded. "Severus, I apologize if I disturbed you by arriving early."

"I expected it, Arumus. Do you wish to discuss something?"

"Yes." Arumus began pacing before the desk. "Severus, my control is slipping. The power of emotion and its use to understand others is at once a wonderful thing and a terrible thing." He paused, running fingers through his hair distractedly, and then he turned to meet Severus' gaze. "What if I do actually fail to control myself? What would happen now that I have been practicing magic for so long? Would I still harm others with the violence of my rage?"

Severus studied him silently for a few moments. Then, he walked around the desk and faced Arumus, placing a comforting hand upon his shoulder and meeting his gaze. He spoke quietly. "The precise consequences of any loss of control on your part are unknowable, Arumus. However, I do not think your barriers will fail you. They are strong, and your desire to refrain from doing lasting harm to others seems intact. I believe you are merely allowing yourself to experience life more fully, and this will undoubtedly lead to stronger, more poignant emotional responses."

Arumus felt Severus' fingers through the fabric of his shirt, and the touch was so very gentle, so comforting that Arumus suddenly wanted to bury his face in his hands and cry, something he had not done perhaps since he was a very small child. He raised his hand to his face, touching his temple and trying to banish the emotion, but his efforts did not seem to be strong enough. He blinked rapidly and placed his hand over his eyes as if experiencing pain.

"Severus," he said in a whisper, gazing at the inside of his palm, "I don't know if I can survive like this for long. It feels like everything is tearing off little pieces of me. Soon there will be nothing left."

"Arumus, look at me," Severus said, his fingers tightening slightly upon Arumus' shoulder and his voice intent. Arumus raised his eyes to meet Severus' gaze, and he was surprised to see worry in Severus' eyes. "You must learn how to center your psyche between the emotion and the intellect. No one can truly teach another how to do this, so use your powers of reason to discover how you can accomplish some kind of balance. Also, do not be afraid of losing control. Sometimes, that is the best method through which one can learn about balance."

Arumus nodded, wondering if he dared take Severus’ suggestion. He gazed into Severus’ eyes. “I am afraid for perhaps the first time in quite a while, Severus,” he admitted quietly.

“Fear is an obstacle with which we can deal.” Severus directed Arumus to sit with his hand still on his shoulder. He removed his hand and sat on the edge of his desk facing Arumus. "Fear is a natural emotional reaction, but it is the mind-killer. The best way to counter it is through the use of the intellect because failure to do so will allow fear to cross into and dominate your mind." Severus paused, leaning slightly forward. "Close your eyes, Arumus, and listen closely to what I say."

Arumus closed his eyes and listened to Severus' voice. The timbre and tone, the melodious flow of words, seemed to seep into him like a balm, calming his heartbeat and spreading relaxation through his shoulders and down his spine.

Severus continued. "Seat your conscious, rational mind in a place of dominance. Allow this part of your psyche to have control."

Arumus focused as he so often had when practicing Occlumency, allowing his the naturally superior part of his mind, the logical portion, have charge of his thoughts. He quieted everything else and held that portion ready.

"The emotional part of yourself should remain connected, so do not wall it off."

This feat was a struggle. As soon as Arumus even thought about his emotional state, it seemed as if he was bombarded with an insane gamut of emotional turbulence. After a few minutes, he was able to quiet his mind once more. He held his emotional self at bay only by using his will to dominate it, but he thought that he was successful in staying connected, though tenuously, to the irrational side of himself.

"Allow the fear to enter into the rational, merge them, and use logic to understand the reasons behind the fear."

Arumus allowed the flood of fear to surge into his rational mind, and he began to analyze the emotion as he experienced it. I fear losing control, but what do I control? Impulses? Desires? I try to control myself around Draco, but why? Such control will limit my ability to live, and fearing life will always bring regret... I do not wish to live in regret...

Severus continued. "Now you understand the reason behind the feeling, so you see through the fear to the deeper cause. Allow this understanding to assist as the fear passes through you, and you leave fear behind. Once it is behind, open your eyes."

The fear faded as it passed through him, and Arumus opened his eyes to meet Severus' dark, deep gaze. For a moment, they merely looked at each other.

Then, Severus spoke. "Do you feel better?"

Arumus smiled his rare, true smile. "Much better."

Severus nodded. "Good."

"What was that, Severus? It reminded me of Occlumency exercises, but instead of blocking emotion, I somehow surrendered to it without letting it completely take over my mind..."

"It is a mental exercise I cobbled together after years of reading. I am happy it worked for you, as I have always found the practice useful." Severus crossed his arms and regarded Arumus critically as he leaned back. "You are paler than usual, Arumus. I think you have been working over-hard. I suggest you head back to the common room and try to relax."

Arumus thought he would be much more relaxed if he could stay with Severus, but he nodded.

"Thank you, Severus," he said as he stood.

"Of course, Arumus. Have a good evening."

Arumus left Severus' office, hiding his reluctance.
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Golden Hearts